Original subtitles

Is there a statue of a recently deposed dictator

dominating the discourse of your downtown square?

Got a monument to a wicked White racist

that you want gone by yesterday?

Has an iron and/or marble effigy to a shameful past

fallen on one of your friends,

smashing them to absolute smithereens?

Oh, no!

Ooh!

Then you need to call me, Steven Santelmo,

from Steven Santelmo Statue Removal and Supply.

Me and my adult children will come to wherever you are

to remove the eyesore that you saw before you called me.

We've got the toppling tools

you need to get a fresh start.

Next card.

While you're at, I shouldn't...

All right or me?

You probably...

So come on down to our showroom,

which is near my family's home.

The home that I have been in a lengthy legal battle

with my siblings over for years.

Let's just say there's no statue of my brother Barry there.

Yeah, right. Barry couldn't even pay

the fucking property taxes where I live.

He's a dud.

His kid's a dud, his wife's a dud,

even his fucking dog's a dud.

That's why you gotta call me.

And even though my rat brother

is no longer involved in the company,

this is still a family business.

Come on, come here.

Give Daddy a hug.

There we go.

Hey, can you smile?

Jesus fucking Christ,

you're on a commercial with me.

History of The World, Part Two.

The Story of Jesus.

No, no, just the one.

I got about nine of them here.

Anybody need a cable?

In 33 AD, Jesus and his apostles

were the hottest group in Jerusalem.

But with the Romans looking to arrest Jesus,

the group got together to record

what would be his final sermon.

Here we go!

These are The Last Supper Sessions.

Go baby.

Here we go, here we are.

Hello, hello, hello.

It's another Peace and love.

Another beautiful morning.

Another camera morning.

Peace be with you, lads.

Ooh, we had a rough one last night.

- Mm. - Little bit too much of the myrrh.

You can overdo it on the myrrh.

- Hello, lads. Hello. - Judas!

- How are you? - You guys remember Harry?

Hello, Harry.

Luke. Good to see you, mate.

- Mark. - Did you, change your hair there, friend?

Oh yeah, I'm just trying this new thing.

What do you think? Uh, can I get away with it?

I don't play that White dread shit,

- but, you do you. - Mm-mm.

Yeah. Hey Peter, could you get me some milk for my cup of tea?

Judas, that's not what I do around here.

I'm a sound engineer.

I will say it is, uh, half past sand.

Someone's late again.

He thinks he's bigger than Jesus Christ.

Well, he is Jesus Christ.

- Point taken. - Right, he is, he is.

Point taken, Luke.

Oh, speak of the devil.

- Jesus! - There he is.

Aah. Sorry, we're late, lads.

We had a little problem with rolling stone.

We almost got run over by a boulder.

Almost smooshed us like a lakka.

Well, now that we got the whole band here,

just wondering if we thought about

where we were gonna play the concert, you know?

It's a big concert film.

So, you know, one thought that I had was Rome.

You know, we could play in Rome.

Got a lot of friends in Rome.

Meh, I-I don't, I don't know, man.

Nobody likes Judas' idea?

No, it's not that.

It's a tough crowd.

I'd love to do the Apollo Temple.

- Oh, Apollo. - Mm.

Apollo's very nice.

Oh, acoustics are good there.

- Sure. - You know, we could always

go to the top of Masada.

You know?

The kids up there are, uh...

They're little too horny, maybe.

Kids from Long Island, they're feeling each other up.

Hate to be cliche, but what would Jesus do?

What would he do?

What would you do?

Certain people want to know.

Lads, I would just focus on the music.

Oh.

Just write the psalms, you know?

Our message will bring people in.

Well, it's easy to say when you control all the publishing,

some of us only make money off the live gigs.

That's so materialistic.

We should just play in our souls.

- We should. - Don't you think?

All right.

Can somebody, uh, just tell me,

when exactly did Mary join the band?

Oh.

I mean, I thought we were the fab 12,

but I guess it turns out we're the fab 13.

That's an unlucky number, isn't it?

I mean, she's one of us, isn't she mate?

I wrote the chorus for Let It Baa.

Hmm, don't remember that Psalm.

- ♪ Let it ♪ - ♪ Baa ♪

Hey, lovely Peter milky maid,

you wanna get me that cup of tea and toast?

- Ooh. - Unleavened please.

Thank you, Peter.

Now it's time to make some hit psalms.

And figure out where we're gonna perform!

Previously, on The Civil War.

Ulysses Grant and Honest Abe Lincoln's son.

We are three union soldiers on a rescue mission.

- Hang 'em! - Shit.

- You nervous about dying? - Nope.

Need a drink.

What's going on?

We're escaping, that's what.

Thought they was gonna save Grant

without my help. (scoffs) Dumb asses.

General Lee, I, again, apologize.

General Grant should be here, momentarily.

It's just here in the South,

we afford people common courtesy.

Not all people.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Robert E. Lee is not gonna surrender

to a man in his goddamn skinnies.

Well, I think you look great, sir.

Todd, I've put on 20 pounds since Gettysburg.

I need a uniform.

You, Private!

Strip down!

Okay, Daddy.

I need to end this war so I can get a drink.

Come on, come on!

Why would you let me take that guy's uniform.

You said to never correct you ever again, sir.

Not all the time!

Have you been watching anything good recently?

Oh, I've been binging Campfires.

- Hmm. - You?

I tried watching Rivers, but I just couldn't get into 'em.

Ooh, stay with it.

Aah!

Sorry I'm late but I'm here now in my uniform.

Why don't we sign this treaty and end this war?

All right, here we go.

Right here.

Ah, ah, ah.

Bobby, you're up.

This is truly the most difficult thing

- I have ever been called on to do. - Uh, yeah.

- Just go ahead and sign it. - I pray that this never happens again.

Right next to where I put mine.

As a boy, my father taught me to,

- you fight. - Oh, what'd he tell you?

You fight. You fight for the sign to end the war.

Huzzah!

Who wants a drink?

- I do. - You want a drink?

You want a drink?

- I'm buying. I'm buying you a drink. - My God!

This place was impossible to find.

I had to parallel park my own horse.

Who are you?

Who am I?

Who am I?

Who am I?

Ah yes, I am Maurice Cheeks.

Notary Public. I am the official that makes anything

you wanna make official, officially officialized.

- Oh! - I also perform the occasional bris.

Sir, we've already signed the treaty.

You what?

You signed the treaty?

Who told you you can sign?

You can't sign without the notary public present!

Tell you what, you signed nothing!

- This treaty is useless. - Whoa.

- It's garbage I tell you! - No!

Garbage!

The civil war is still on!

- Ah! - On!

Jesus Christ, why didn't somebody tell me

my ass was this big?

Sir, this is important.

What if I said, "pretty please"?

With sugar on top?

- Please? - Well, I do have a sweet tooth.

- Alright. - Alright but next time

you two follow directions, get it?

- Yes, sir. - Alright.

- We need a new treaty. - New treaty!

- New treaty. - New treaty. On the table, alright,

now you in the oversized uniform, you sign right there.

Yes, sir. Right there.

Nicely done, and you hot Santa,

right over there you sign.

Sorry, boys.

Alright, let's make this official.

Goddammit, I brought my mohel bag.

Useless, unless anybody wants to take a little off the top.

No thanks.

Alright, we'll improvise.

Improvising. There it is, official!

The civil war is over.

And now we triple kiss.

Mwah!

Who am I?

I just wanna know, why am I the way I am?

Why do I like the things that I like?

I have a hard time eating dairy,

and I always wondered why that is.

I love riding horses. What is that about?

I'll tell you what it's about. I'm Kublai Khan,

and I had sex with all these people's ancestors.

And you can find out if you are my progeny as well,

by signing up for khancestry.com.

When I first heard of khancestry.com,

I thought, $600 is a lot of money,

but I've learned so much about myself.

I knew my mom's second cousin was Flip Wilson's wife,

but this is way cooler.

I've always had this overwhelming urge

to conquer and unify Eurasia.

So you might be asking yourself,

what's all this shit about?

Genghis Khan, AKA my grandpa Genghi,

started the biggest empire the world's ever seen.

And I took that shit to the next level

by creating trade routes to the west,

establishing currency, and balling my brains out.

My empire even extended into Russia.

That makes sense though, because see, my ma is Russian.

My dad's Italian, though.

Hey, oh.

All right, so a few years ago

I started growing out my ponytail

and my coworker started making fun of me.

They asked me if I worked at Guitar Center,

and then I realized that I was related to Kublai Khan,

who also had a ponytail.

So fuck you, Corey!

I cheated on my wife for years, but I never knew why.

It's literally in my DNA to spread my seed

as far and as wide as possible.

So I told this to my wife, Gloria, and she said,

"Nah, that's bullshit."

You know, I'm related to Kublai too,

but, I didn't fuck the babysitter.

First of all, it's not like a teenage babysitter.

This woman is 48.

And second of all, she's a nice lady.

She's going through a rough time.

I'm just trying to help her get on her feet.

Yeah, 'cause she spending a lot of time on her back,

with you on top of her, like a big ol' fucking manatee.

After I got my khancestry.com results,

I took dairy out of my diet

and the rash on my back cleared up within weeks.

Oh yeah, I can't do dairy, also cashews.

So that means no almond milk?

No, no tree nuts of any kind.

Let me tell you something

about little miss perfect over here.

She tells everyone that she was in The Rockettes.

She was not in The Rockettes!

You don't listen, Barry.

The Rockettes are a group of my girlfriends

who are fans of the Rocky movies. That's all.

I walk around the street and I'm like,

"Are you the spawn of Khan? Are you the spawn of Khan?

"I'm the spawn of Khan."

Everyone thinks I'm insane.

With the right leader, we could unify the tribes.

The Golden Hoard is coming for you.

- Khan! - Khan!

Khan!

Go to khancestry.com and get a testing kit today.

Find out who you are,

so you can be the best you, you can be.

- Which is me. - Which is me.

And now, back to The Last Supper Sessions.

Oh!

- Yep. - Wow-ee.

Come on down to the carnival.

It's the carnival.

You know, last night Yoko, was, um--

- I'm sorry who? - Mary. I said, Mary.

You said Yoko, mate.

She's so clearly Yoko.

It's not one-to-one, but she's clearly Yoko.

Right, but it's not, just not one to one. So, don't, don't try to make

- direct comparisons. We're not-- - Lads, you're distracted

from the point, mate.

Like last night she was doing her body art

- on me - Mm.

and shrieking in my ear,

and I-I just had this divine inspiration, right?

And it was a lyric.

"Lovely Lucy, lovely".

♪ Lovely Lucy ♪

♪ Lovely Lucy was a pharaoh's daughter ♪

♪ Pushing camels through a needles eye ♪

- ♪ Woo ♪ - Ooh. What if lovely Lucy

was a little bird,

and she flies down,

and she's wearing little wellies 'cause it's raining out

and she's splashing in little puddles?

And it's, it kind of, like, rainbows start kind of--

- Yeah. Yeah. - You see little rainbows

in their eyes, you know.

- I think keep going, mate. - Anything for the chorus?

Do you have anything, anything for the chorus?

What if we, what if we try, uh...

♪ Give back ♪

♪ Can't you just take it with ya ♪

♪ Gotta give back ♪

Woo, you're beating around the bush too much.

- You're talking about giving back. - Uh-huh.

You just gotta say cash.

You change the verse.

♪ Give cash ♪

♪ Or you can go to Hell and burn the fuck up ♪

See what I'm saying?

You're the best marketer I've ever met,

but I just want to bring people in, in it.

It's about peace and love.

Peace and love, mate.

Peace and love.

Yeah, I get you.

♪ Lovely Lucy was a pharaoh's daughter ♪

♪ Pushing camels through a needles eye ♪

♪ She said, give back, give back ♪

♪ If you wanna get to Heaven, gotta give back ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

- ♪ Woo ♪ - ♪ Woo ♪

That was a nice one there.

- Yes! - Oh, lads. Lads, I'm sorry.

I recorded nothing.

The shells, they were all turned the wrong way.

- Nothing? - I'm sorry.

Are you fucking kidding me, Peter?

Oh God.

Peter, this is the third time

you've garbed up the shells, mate.

I'm sorry, Jesus.

I didn't mean to betray you.

Oh the fucking shofar is broken, Peter.

Statues, statues, statues.

Steven Santelmo,

from Steven Santelmo Statue Removal and Supply.

Maybe you love statues.

Well, we are the number one reseller of statues

in the tri-state area.

We have thousands, and thousands,

and thousands of used statues.

When we take 'em down, everybody dances around,

then they go home.

And with, these statues just sitting around, I'm like,

"Alright, I'm gonna take these statues", you know?

We got Vladimir Lenin.

We got Robert E. Lee.

We got Nikolai Tchachesku, we got a wax Putin,

and we got the mother of old deposed dictators.

That's right ladies and gentlemen,

we've got him, Saddam Hussein.

They couldn't find weapons of mass destruction,

but I found his fucking statues, not my brother Barry,

who couldn't find his own thumb if it was wedged up his ass,

which it is half the time.

Hey Barry, you're not allowed in the commercials.

I don't care what dad said before he died.

We got more horses.

I can't even tell you how many horses statues.

And you know, fun fact about horse statues,

if one leg is up, I don't know what it means.

It's, but someone told me once and I could never remember.

Anyways, come on down to

Steven Santelmo Statue Removal and Supply

for the deal of your dreams.

Amelia Earhart.

Untouched beauty.

Private beaches.

Wild birds.

The Bermuda Triangle.

Join me, Amelia Earhart, in this goddamn paradise

where we are fully open...

Bar. Open bar.

The triangle is a gift to women like me.

Just ask my roommate, Bessie Coleman.

It's a pilot's paradise.

Bessie, when did you know that you were a pilot?

I felt my first longing for the air

when I was in sixth grade,

but I didn't realize I was a pilot until high school.

And now you're a gold star pilot.

That's right.

And this place is swarming with other pilots.

Traveling here is a breeze.

All you gotta do is get your father's permission

to go to aviation school.

Take a three day exam to get your license.

Overcome your crippling fear of heights.

Get your hands on a bargain barrel plane

that your friends and family will beg you not to fly.

Then fly it anyway.

Crash land it in the scariest part of the ocean,

thereby faking your own death.

So no one will find you.

Including your husband.

Not an easy journey, but worth it.

The Bermuda Triangle,

where no man dares to go.

And if one makes it here, we kill him.

I love the Triangle.

You hit some turbulence there, Cap?

Nope, I am a pilot in the '30s and I wanna dance.

Let's cut a rug.

- Wow! - Yeah.

- You see this? - Uh-huh.

All the girls in New York City

- are doing this. - It's, it's like an illusion.

It's just a short flight to Wonderland.

Now boarding.

And now, back to The Last Supper Sessions.

You and your friends

are here at the studio every day.

May I ask why?

Um, I like to hang around here

and just to see if I can catch any of the apostles?

Um, I'm totally a Judas girl.

He's just like a bad boy, and I like that.

We'll go under water and have fun with my magic sea horse.

♪ We'll go underwater and have fun with my magic seahorse ♪

She dropped it right in the fucking toast.

Mate, I, I don't think the

under the sea theme is working, mate.

Judas, what do you got?

Okay, I've got an idea. Okay, how about this?

It goes, I've got a feeling.

♪ I've got a feeling ♪

That White guys can have dreads.

♪ I don't agree with that ♪

You know, it's not that much of a big deal,

but if my ideas aren't going to be listened to,

then I think I'm just gonna leave.

- Hmm? - Judas?

I'm leaving the band now.

Just, just like that?

Just walked out.

Mate, who did his hair, mate?

- It's a mess. - And just to be crystal clear,

I'm leaving this band.

Okay?

Leaves me a lot more time with all my side projects.

Mm.

But I still wanna know where the show's gonna be.

Sorry, I've forgot my keys.

Does anyone know where my keys are?

Steven Santelmo Statue Removal and Supply

is going out of business and I'm selling everything.

People that got canceled.

Hillary "Pizza-gate" Clinton, I got her.

Christopher Columbus. Nobody's touching one of those statues.

This guy founded America, and I'll never forget.

Everything must go.

Now you might be wondering why a profitable business

would be going out of business.

And the answer is simple, because of this fucking turd.

Him, his wicked wife, and his dud daughter

sued me for libel and defamation,

because of my previous commercials.

Look at him. I couldn't believe I was related

to this piece of human shawarma.

So then I pissed into a Snapple bottle

and sent it to khancestry.com.

When I got my results,

I realized that I too was related to Kublai Khan,

just like Barry Santelmo,

which means that we were actually brothers.

And nothing is, (voice breaking) is more important than family.

Come on, guys. Come on out.

- Don't remember what we're doing. - Hey bro, how you doing?

What the fuck?

Finding out that we are both related to Kublai Khan

has brought us closer together as brothers.

And the good news for you is that we are teaming up

to offer you the best Mongolian statues in the...

- So and the good news for-- - Stop. Take your time,

- Okay-- Don't tell me how to do this. - No, no, no.

I've been doing these commercials for years.

- I know, I know. - Alright?

We are teaming up as a family

to offer you the best Mongolian statues we can find.

We got 'em all!

Genghis Khan.

Kublai Khan.

Scott Khan.

Madeline Khan.

We also have a statue of Sylvester Stallone.

Not for sale.

That's my sister-in-law.

She's supposed to be doing the books,

but now she's on camera.

I told you I was gonna be on camera.

- I told you. - I was with her

when she told you Uncle Steven.

Oh, thanks, Raven.

Please, her Christian name's Samantha.

I don't know when she changed her name. Why she--

At least, our daughter didn't get busted at junior prom

for selling ketamine.

- Hello? Your daughter. - Okay.

It was in the paper. It was in The Ledger, Steven.

Okay, first of all, excuse me. It was molly.

And second of all, it's senior prom.

So, get your fucking facts straight,

- all right? - Oh, oh, okay.

First of all, uh, d-d-don't talk to my wife that way.

What? And w-who are you texting, Barry?

No, it was a, it was a spam caller.

Oh, oh, what? Is that, is that your new girlfriend's name now?

- Spam? - Oh, hey!

- Huh? - It's in my DNA!

Ah, yeah, your DNA is in every whore in town, Barry!

- Oh! - Okay.

Hey, you say that in front of our little girl. Where were you?

Bottom line is Santelmo's Statue Removal and Supplies

is now Santelmo Mongolian Statue Depot.

We got the best deal for you because you're family,

'cause you're likely related to Kublai Khan as well.

We never would Kub-lie to you.

Our prices is Khan't be beat.

Let me just do the last line myself.

Leave me something.

And now, the grand finale of The Civil War.

In conclusion, I pray that I will still be remembered

as a man of great honor and dignity.

Alright, wrap it up and get on your horse.

- You're almost there. - Ye--

Don't come back now.

If I may be so bold. I know the war is over,

but I would love to continue working with you.

- Is that so, young man? - Yes, sir.

If I could just assist you in any way, I'll do it.

Well, if you really wanna help me,

- there's one thing you could do right now. - Yes, sir.

Get on the floor and fucking dance.

Yes, sir.

♪ One more time ♪

Oh, whoa. Oh, gimme, gimme. Ooh, thank you.

Woo!

Woo!

♪ One more time, we're gonna celebrate ♪

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Yeah!

Fucking love you, dawg.

Wow, this party's fantastic.

Well, the war is over, fellas. We can get back to our lives.

Yeah.

I gotta say, last 12 hours with you guys

have been the most fun I've ever had,

and I'm sorry, our show was hot fire.

Yeah, we really pulled it together in like three minutes.

I mean we cut so many bits.

We have enough for a season two.

Well, we'll always have those memories.

What if we kept doing it?

Have memories? Yeah, okay.

No. Performing, singing, comedy.

- Oh, my God, I am so in. - Let's leave right now!

But where do we go?

I've been reading about this place called, uh,

uh, California.

I think it'd be perfect for some guys like us.

Oh, I like this.

A career in showbiz would be healthy

for an introvert like me.

I only have one question.

Which way to California?

Left, until we hit the ocean.

This is insane, it's 2:00 p.m. on a Tuesday.

Does anyone here have a job?

Fuck, I'm gonna miss my audition.

What's it for?

Some Mel Brooks show.

- Oh. - Oh.

Captioned by Point.360