Original subtitles

It's June 6th, 1944.

D-Day.

The Allied forces storm the beaches of Normandy.

Boys, we're gonna be storming Omaha Beach in a couple minutes.

Be steady. It's time to find out what you're all made of.

Oh god.

Just barfed in the corner over here, sir!

Well, just try and keep it out the boat, okay?

Private Tully, get a grip on your nerves!

It's not nerves, sir.

I get seasick.

Well, just keep your eyes on the horizon.

That goes for everyone.

Don't tell me you're seasick too, Johnson.

No, sir!

I think I just went a little too hard on the pâté

at dinner last night, sir.

What?

They didn't serve pâté in the mess.

Did you go AWOL last night?

Yeah.

Did any of you join him?

I did, sir!

I had a lot of oysters,

and now that I think about it, they were pretty warm.

Y'all defied orders and went to a restaurant?

Sir, we're in Europe,

and we just thought if it was gonna be our last meal,

that it should be someplace special.

We found this adorable little pub.

Oh god!

Private Martinez, you go to this little dinner, too?

No, sir, I wasn't invited, sir! And to be honest,

it's kinda hurtful to find out in this manner.

- Sorry, man. - Then, why the hell are you yakking then?

I have a hair trigger gag reflex, sir.

If I see somebody puke, I'm puking right away.

Private Bryant, report!

- Share! - I'm fine!

- That's a direct order! - I don't wanna talk about it!

He's not fine, sir.

He's been this way since basic.

Always after meals, if you catch my drift.

So, what do I do here?

I-I don't know. Tell him he looks good in any size?

Or maybe don't talk about his body at all, sir.

Private Cooper, what is your major malfunction!?

Sorry, sir. I'm just a straight-up coward.

I'm afraid of sharks.

Hair trigger, sir.

Enough!

No more vomit!

Now, we are about to embark on the biggest military campaign

in the history of the world, part two!

And I need you to just...

Captain, are you okay?

No.

- I just shit my dang pants. - Oh, no.

Save it for the Nazis!

History of the World, Part II!

The Story of Jesus.

Mm. (smack) Mm.

Mm. Delicious.

Luke, there it is!

- Judas, what's goin' down? - How you doin', man?

Man, I had to get me something in my belly, man.

You know that last supper wasn't shit.

Didn't hit anything for me.

Yeah. More like a Last Snack, right?

Nothin' worse than going somewhere for a meal,

and you gotta come the fuck home and eat again.

It's like, what's the point? I could've just stayed home.

- What's the fuckin' point? - I know.

Jesus invites us over for dinner, and then what?

It's like a bunch of small medi plates?

One lamb meatball as an entrée?

If you're gonna gimme one meatball, it better be a big-ass meatball.

If it's not bigger than my head,

I don't want it.

Look, I don't wanna complain.

Can't hate on Jesus.

I can't hate on Jesus.

I love being a disciple.

But, you go to one of these dinners,

there's 11 other guys there

who got plans that they want you to attend.

- Did Peter corner you? - Of course he did.

"You coming to my one-man show?"

One-man fuckin' show, that's the worst!

With a one-man show, you don't get the chance

to see other people, other actors, and shit.

You sitting there like, "this motherfucka again?"

- I know. I know. -"But this motherfucka again!

Ain't never leave!"

So, he's always gonna be "this motherfucka again!"

I know. I feel gross after that. Do you know why?

- Why? - All that feet washing.

Why is everybody washing feet all the time?

Why is Jesus obsessed with washing feet?

- I don't like it. - It's unsanitary!

It's unsanitary.

- Thank you. Thank you! - That's what it is.

I just don't like feet.

I don't wanna wash 'em.

I don't wanna look at 'em.

I... don't like feet.

- Oh, man. - You like feet?

- I made a love to a fuckin' foot. - Really?

Oh, man. Well, two feet.

- See, you're sitting in a yoga pose... - Yeah. Mm-hmm.

...you put both feet together,

- so that you create this. - Oh, okay.

Put a little lubricant

- in that motherfucka, - Right.

and break them feet off. Break 'em off.

Get the party started. You break your way up.

What is this? Who knocks at this hour?

That's why we put blood on the door frame!

So, you could pass over us!

See? Pass over!

- Huh? - Uh oh. It's the Ro-Ro.

Roman soldiers?

what are they doing here at this hour?

Judas Iscariot?

- Nope, don't think he's, uh... - Right here.

The fuck are you doing, man?

Not gonna stay here and get profiled.

I'm gonna cut straight to the chase.

We've gotta arrest this Jesus character.

He is a danger to the community.

Whoa, whoa, h-hold the fuck up, Mr. Rooster Helmet.

Cock-a-doodle-doo. I don't know what the fuck

you talking about right now, but Jesus is all about the peace.

Peace and love. He's all about peace and love.

Judas, we know you were at the Last Supper.

Everyone knows you're the most weaselly apostle.

That feels antisemitic.

What we don't know is what this Jesus looks like.

Now, you identify him for us,

and you will be richly compensated.

Richly compensated?

Uh-huh.

Hm...

Eh? Mm-hmm?

Hm.

Eh?

Okay, well...

if I were to do it, and I'm not saying I would--

- Hypothetically speaking, of course. - Hypothetically speaking,

if I were to do it...

I mean, what would be in it for me?

30 pieces of silver.

30 pieces of silver?

Mm...

I mean, I'm not gonna... I'm not gonna do it.

Jesus is a good friend. He's a good friend of ours.

- Right. - But, if I were to do it,

how would I even identify him?

You're the weasel. You tell me.

Hey. Maybe slap him on the ass.

- Slap him on the ass? - Yeah!

Why don't I just give him a big fat kiss while I'm at it?

Oh! That could work!.

- What? - Yeah. You give him a kiss,

we swoop in-- Gimme your hand.

We swoop in and arrest him.

Soldiers, march!

on the left!

on the right...

Know what you can do with 30 pieces of silver?

What?

Buy one big-ass meatball.

We would've a nice dinner, wouldn't we?

Fuckin' right.

Shirley Chisholm.

In 1968, Shirley Chisholm

became the first Black woman

elected to the United States Congress,

serving Brooklyn,

the home of me, and Jay-Z.

Brooklyn represent, represent!

I don't know what that means.

Anyway, four years later, she ran for president,

and this is that story. With a laugh track!

♪ From Barbados to Brooklyn, ♪

♪ then to DC ♪

♪ She's the first Black congresswoman ♪

♪ She's Shirley, It's been a long, hard road ♪

♪ But hope was never lost ♪

♪ 'Cause that girl Shirley's unbought and unbossed ♪

♪ Ooo, ooo, "Shirley!" ♪

Shirley is brought to you

by the actual presidential candidate,

Shirley Chisholm,

and filmed in front of a live

Black audience.

How's my favorite first Black congresswoman?

She's terrible.

Nothing gets done in Congress,

except for me getting screwed.

And speaking of getting screwed,

how's my favorite dick?

Did you solve the case of the missing circus elephant?

Heh, sure did. Turns out,

it was the evil Ringling Brother.

Ding-A-Ling.

I always thought of you as a clown.

I guess now, my eyes have caught up with my brain.

Ha ha!

Florynce Kennedy,

why do you insist on coming through my window?

Because you won't gimme a key.

So, what were y'all talking about?

Oh, just how I'm fed up with Congress is all.

You know, I wanna work on the problems

of my constituents in Brooklyn.

You know, healthcare, education,

tickets to Marvin Gaye.

As your chief advisor,

you got to take this to the tippity top!

Harry Belafonte?

No. To the president.

You want me to call President Nixon?

Well, there are a few things I'd like to call him,

but they wouldn't clear standards and practices.

You know what? Maybe I will.

Hello, is this the White House?

This is Congresswoman Shirley Chisholm,

and I would like to speak with President Nixon, please.

Oh hello, Mr. President.

I didn't realize that you answered your own phone.

How... very not paranoid of you, sir.

Yes. Uh huh.

Tonight?

7:30?

My place?

Nothing too ethnic.

Yes! I can do that.

Thank you.

Guess who's coming to dinner?

Will you two stop playing around

- and get ready? - Oh! Okay! All right.

Think it's stuck. Ooh, boy!

Help! Help! Help!

Shirley will be right back

after these Black hair product commercials.

Previously on The Civil War.

No more alcohol until the war is over.

RT, come over here.

There's my big, strong boy.

You are ready to join me on a top secret mission.

I will follow you to the gates of hell, sir.

It's worse then that son. We're going to West Virginia.

No!

West Virginia is so much

worse than I thought.

Good call on losing the uniforms, sir.

Yeah, I know. I'm a general.

This isn't my first secret mission.

What is the secret mission, by the way?

We'll go to that saloon over there and have a quick drink.

- Just try to blend in. - Yes, sir.

Howdy!

- Howdy! - H-- Say it with a Southern accent!

Howdy! Howdy!

- Howdy-do? - Not Irish!

And don't futz with the settings,

please, thank you. Yeah.

Now listen, RT.

We gotta keep a low profile, okay?

These people don't like our kind.

Sagittarius?

- Yankees! - Right.

Of course you're a Sagittarius.

With Mercury in retrograde, it all makes sense.

Just listen to me. Okay, be cool,

and if anything's out of order, just split up,

- and I'll find you, okay? - Yes, sir.

(sigh) Shit.

Oh! Jesus!

What was that?

- You said split up. - Not literally!

- Howdy! - Howdy.

Howdy to you.

Howdy, just here for a drink.

Howdy.

Hello, sir. I'd like one whiskey.

Sir? Please? Hello!

Okay, he looked me right in the eye.

Okay, sir. General.

I have a strategy.

- I think if we wanna properly blend in... - Yes.

...that we should be able to adopt new characters.

- Okay. Yeah. - Okay? So,

I think I should be Byron De La Étouffée,

- prosperous tobacco magnate. - Okay.

You can be Mint Julep De La Étouffée,

my son.

Why would I be your son?

In what universe does that make sense?

I'm 20 years older than you.

- Just an idea. - It's a bad idea.

- Okay. - Okay, j-j-j-just sit here

- and watch my back. - Yes, sir.

Come to papa.

That's what I've been waiting for. What, uh--

What? What!? What are you-- You are a psychopath, sir.

That is so weird. That's weird!

Oh, you think that's weird, huh?

You think that's weird?

Hoo, hoo, hoo! Yeah!

Hoo... wee!

Mm, mm, mmm.

I think you're weird.

Who are you boys?

I am Byron De La Étouffée,

- and this is my s-- - Friend!

Uh, we stopped in here

to wet our whistles and talk about

- how much we love... cotton. - Yes.

We love it.

The touch, the feel, it is truly the fabric of our lives.

Where are you boys from?

Little town by yonder way called...

Slaveburg.

Slaveburg?

I ain't never heard of no Slaveburg.

It's in Mississippi.

- Oh! Okay, yeah. - Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah.,

- We been there, we been there. - That checks out. That checks out.

Well, you two rebels,

you must be very familiar with the game we play around here.

A game that, uh, well...

It always ends up with somebody getting

carried out those doors.

Never Have I Ever.

Oh hello, daddy.

- Hey! - Ow!

First rule!

No drinking till we start.

Okay.

Second rule!

You only drink if you've done the thing

that the person whose turn it is said they've never done.

That's right.

So, the man whose turn it is takes a drink.

Well then, I will go first, and I wanna say--

- Ow! - No, no, Glenn!

Glenn, Glenn, Glenn!

They only drink if no one's done the thing

they said they'd never did.

I thought if a person said they've never did the thing,

they were lying, and therefore must drink.

I actually think Glenn is correct--

No, shut the fuck up, De La Étouffée!

How many times we gon' go through this?

Well, maybe you're bad at explaining it.

Oh, let me get this straight, mister.

You're trying to say I don't know the rules of

- Never Have I Ever? - Maybe I am. What of it?

This the same reason why you're not

on my charades team.

Maybe no understands how to play the game

'cause I can't understand what fuck you're saying!

Alright, enough of this shit.

How about this? Whiskey for everybody!

Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

What in blue blazes

you doin' with a dirty Union greenback?

Uh...

Well, I am a proud rebel

who killed a Union soldier

and took his money.

Then, why's your face on it?

That could be anybody.

All White men with beards lookalike, huh?

What are you, racist?

Yeah. That's pretty much our whole deal.

We hate everything.

People who turn classic movies into TV shows.

Boat owners.

- Sound effects. - Redheads.

- Deadheads! - For-profit universities.

Novelty license plates.

Picking people up from the airport!

But most of all...

Oh shit.

...Yankees.

Fuck Jeter!

And you know what?

Fuck Tom Brady and his fuckin' Tampa Bay,

fuckin' wherever he is now.

Get that fuckin' thing outta here! What are you--

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey...

We gotta finish the scene, dude.

Oh, you wanna finish the sc--

Oh, I'm sorry, Your Highness.

- Just don't engage. Don't engage. - Hollyweird!

Why don't you get LeBron to finish it?

Oh! He's injured!

- Yankees. - Get a real basketball player

like Larry fuckin' Bird.

The Mongolian Empire.

In 1270, Marco Polo of Venice

- travels the Silk Road... - Marco Polo!

...to meet the most feared emperor in the world,

the great Kublai Khan.

Get down.

Go!

On my knee... Good. Let's do this.

If it goes well,

trade between the East and the West will finally open.

And if not, Polo could be "no-mo."

You may rise.

Oh, thank heavens. This was a little bit humiliating.

What an honor to be here. Thank you.

I bring you gifts as a gesture of our friendship.

Swag!

We call this shit silk.

This is nice!

What do you call what I'm feeling?

What's the word for this?

- Silky. - Oh, yes!

You know what? If you put that right here,

on, like, a nice suit?

You'd never wait for a table again in your life.

Alright, Kublai's turn!

Okay, so what do you have for me?

Okay. So keep in mind, I've been on the road for four and a half years,

so there's a little bit

of wear and tear, right?

Okay, I got something great, you're gonna freak out.

Put your hand out.

I call this "shaky red." Shaky red, sir.

What is shaky red?

Hot peppers... that have been crushed.

I'd be a little careful.

There's a little bit of sand in there. The...

The bottle broke in the desert. What do you honestly think?

This is more of a pitch stage of the--

Okay, well do you have anything else?

To be frank, that was kinda shitty.

For you? Yes. I have a goat

that was blessed by the Pope himself!

- Oh, what? The Pope? - Yeah!

Oh man, I heard all about that guy.

The Pope Goat.

Would love to meet this goat, where is it?

Shit.

It's right here!

We had to eat the actual goat a year and a half ago

because we were starving to death,

of course.

- That's still blessed by... - So,

they tell me you have, like, these scrolls of knowledge?

I had to burn them, obviously, to cook the goat,

so it was a catch-22.

So, are you saying you brought nothing

- for the Great Khan? - You know what I do have for you?

- It's a game. - What is this game?

It's Marco Polo.

And the way that you play is somebody closes their eyes,

and th-they're looking for the other guy,

and th-they're running around, they say "Marco!"

And the other guy says "Polo!"

It's a load of fun! It's better in a pool.

You know what? Fuck this!

All you brought me was some spicy sand

and a dumbass game that you just made up?

Please. It has been a crazy journey.

There've been a lot of bumps on the road.

Listen, Koobs, Koobs, hear me out.

- Take him! - Koobs, Koobs!

- Stop calling me Koobs! - No, no, no.

Please don't do this. No! Whoa, whoa, whoa, please!

Burn this motherfucker alive!

No, no, please don't burn me alive! Don't burn me alive!

- I wanna hear his guts popping! - I'll do anything! No, no, no!

I'll suck my own dick!

Please.

We pranked you!

You got Khan'd, bro!

- What do you mean it's a prank? - It's a prank!

We've been trying to think for the last four years

of some way to get you, and we got you!

Check it out, check it out. We got hidden charcoal artists everywhere.

Look, we got one over here.

- Ah? - Wonderful.

And look, we got one over here!

He's got your depiction here, too!

I was genuinely terrified for my life.

I'll suck my own dick!

Shirley Chisholm.

Previously on Shirley.

Oh hello, Mr. President.

Guess who's coming to dinner?

Mr. Nixon,

what an immaculate honor

to have you into my home.

I invited my most charismatic and only friend,

Secretary of State Henry Kissinger.

I brought a bundt cake.

♪ Ooo, ooo, Shirley! ♪

- Mother, will you be joining us? - Uh, let's see.

Have dinner with two warmongering hogs,

or drink my martini by myself?

That woman is enchanting.

The reason I asked you here, Mr. President,

is because I feel like I'm not getting anything done in Congress.

Why yes, Shirley. You see (clears throat),

Congress has no power.

The only person who can get anything done

is the President of the United States.

The Commander-in-Chief.

The King of the Free World.

The Imperator of the Galaxy.

Easy, Dick, don't let the cat out of the bag.

So, you're saying that the only way I can get stuff done

is if I'm president?

That's right, Shirley. But, let's face it.

That's not happening anytime soon.

I mean, you're Black, Shirley, and a woman.

Well, Mr. Nixon, you've inspired me.

Well, great.

To run for president!

Well, Henry, it finally happened,

I never thought it would.

A lady made me laugh.

Unlike you, I am no joke.

I am unbought and unbossed!

Miss Chisholm, we'll just see. Good day.

Now, Henry, let's return to the White House.

Your mother reminds me of a woman I met in Transylvania

in 1403. Please give her my number.

666-6666.

So, looks like I'm running for president.

Shirley, I wish

you would've talked to me about this.

That's a big decision.

Conrad, it's a TV show.

We have to move the story along at a faster pace than real life.

Hm.

Like a workout montage?

♪ Ooo, ooo, Shirley! ♪

Jesus Christ!

Meanwhile, back in Jerusalem...

Hey, barkeep?

Two hot wines, please.

Coming right up, boss.

So? What did we think about the show?

Worst shit I have ever seen in my life.

Right? Did you notice when he was in the "hospital scene,"

- he's in the bed? - Yeah.

He fell asleep, right?

Was that acting or was he really fuckin' sleeping?

I don't know, but it's contagious

- 'cause then I fall asleep. - Oh.

You gotta have intermission. People gotta get up

and stretch their legs a-and go out

and stand in front of the fuckin' theater

a-and smoke a hookah or some shit like that.

Peter thinks it's good. He thinks this show is good.

He thinks he's gonna tape this for a Netfish special!

If this was on Netfish, I would cancel my subscription.

Fuck yeah. Hey, I just can't believe

that you're gonna betray Jesus tonight.

What? I'm not gonna betray Jesus.

What are you talking about?

Fuck am I talking about? You took the money!

I had to take the money.

Peter made us pay for this one-man show.

We're his friends. We should be comped.

And that is what the fuck you call a betrayal!

- Betrayal!? - What?

Betrayal? Who are you gonna betray?

No, what are you guys talking about?

- Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. - Who's getting betrayed?

No, no, no, there's no betrayal happening.

- It's fine. - Okay. So, what'd you think of the play?

You were up there trying really hard.

And the details about your family.

H-how your dad was a-- was a Galilean,

a-and your mom was a Moabite?

A-and the fact that you had therapy?

- Fucked me up. - Thank you, man.

- You see me. You see me. - I saw you.

- What'd you think, Judas? - I think I didn't like to have

to pay for tickets to my friend's one-man show.

Well, I'm sorry I didn't get comps!

What am I, a money lender?

So, what'd you think of the show?

Eh... Not for me.

- Well, Jesus loved it. - Please.

Jesus loves everything. The guy can't stop saying,

"Oh, I love this." He's just looking for followers.

Look at Jesus over there. Look at him.

Absolutely woofing down

that bacon cheeseburger.

Oh, it looks so good.

Bacon cheeseburger?

Hold on, that's not kosher.

Wait, none of the food here is kosher.

Oh please, let him sin.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold the fuckin' phones.

Wait a minute, I just ate a bacon-wrapped scallop

and baby back ribs.

You mean to tell me none

of this shit is kosher?

You know what, I'm fuckin' livid!

As a Jew, I'm livid!

You know what? I'm gonna plotz!

I can understand why you're pissed

because something is going on with this Jesus guy.

He's trying to phase out his Judaism.

- Really? - Yeah!

Yeah, that fool's up to somethin'.

Yeah, I bet he's gonna grow back his foreskin, too.

What? You can grow back your foreskin?

Fuck yeah, you can do that. My cousin did that.

He put a clothespin on the tip of that shit.

Oh, that's impossible.

No, you gotta tie a string onto the thing,

and then-- and then, you got a weight down there,

and the weight is gonna pull the string off,

and you have to sleep standing up.

- Uh huh. - Not for me, baby. Not for me.

- Oh, really? Not for you? - Nope.

Lotta detail for an innocent man.

Wait, he's going to the bathroom.

Do I do a foreskin check?

- Yeah. - Should I go and get cockfirmation?

Oh yeah.

Go in there and peep that pecker.

And find out how he avoids

- peeing on the weight. - Yeah.

- Yeah, I mean I've heard that it happen-- - Oh, you've heard that?

No, I've read it in some scrolls!

Oh, you've read it in some scrolls? - Yes.

Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.

There he is! JC!

Judas, hey. Hey, I can swear to my dad,

- I locked that door. - Oh, yeah?

So, what'd you think of Peter's one-man show?

Yeah, I liked it, yeah.

I mean, what's not to like? I got free tickets, right?

- Free ticket? Free. - Yeah.

Comped.

What does "comped" stand for?

- Complimentary. - Complimentary!

I wish I could be more complimentary

of Peter's one-man show.

Judas.

Judge not, lest you be judged.

Not bad. You just come up with that?

Eh... Thanks.

Whoa! Hey! Hot piss!

Judas, you're pissing on my feet!

- What? No! What? No! - Yes! Yes!

- I was just checking! - Checking what?

Just to get cockfirmation!

Judas, you pissed on my feet!

I gotta go back to the party.

No, you don't-- What-- You--

- Judas. - Ah, ah, ah!

I know you hear me.

Oh, you just gonna let the blower-- He's gonna blow

your hands for 30 seconds. You just not gonna look at me?

I know you hear me! I am in your head!

Sorry, I only have big pieces of silver. Ah.

- Judas! - Okay, so,

what did you think of my accents?

You didn't take me anywhere.

You gotta take someone somewhere--

Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Fuck you mean "we gotta go?"

Judas! What the fuck?

You peed on my son's feet?

Mother Mary, may I explain?

No, you may not!

I did not not have sex

and give birth in a dirty-ass manger

for you to urinate on the Son of God!

Thinks her son's God? The mother's definitely Jewish.

Okay!

I want you to get on your knees

and wash his feet.

- Ooh. - I don't know.

You raggedy bitch.

You want me to wash the pee-pee off of his feet?

- Yes. - That's what you would like?

I just wanna confirm, so we're on the same page here.

- Yes! - Luke, what do you think?

If someone pissed on my fuckin' sandals,

they wipin' that shit off.

Okay, well, that's a betrayal.

I mean, the guy lays hands on lepers,

and you're worried about a little pee-pee on his feet?

You're really... You're gonna make me do this?

- Do it already! - Uh--

Enough with the talking!

It's just feet, they're gross.

Do you guys like-- Anybody here like feet?

Whatever the opposite of a foot fetish is what I have!

Hey, Jesus...

- I've sinned. - Mm-hmm.

- I'm a sinner. - Mm-hmm.

I'm repenting.

I don't wanna wash your feet.

Rise, my son.

- What? - I forgive you.

- Uh-uh! - It's okay, Mama. It's okay.

Take back your dirty fuckin' rag.

This is my guy!

Jesus!

This guy, he's not even a guy! This guy's a God! Come here!

The kiss is a signal!

- That's Jesus! Get him! - What?

Wait, what? No!

- You betrayed me? - What?

- Mom! Mom! - No!

- Oh! - Tell my story!

Oh, it was Jesus you were gonna betray!

No, this wasn't a betrayal kiss!

No! This was a thank you kiss, not a betrayal kiss!

Luke! Luke!

- You're in trouble! - No! look at all these feet!

Judas Iscariot, forever unclean!

This is too much!

Captioned by Point.360