Original subtitles

Hey, Brent.

Remember when you said if I need a place to stay, you'd put me up?

Yeah. But wasn't the phrase "last resort"

or "hell freezes over" in there somewhere?

There's a problem with the insulation at my place.

That stuff you got such a bargain on?

Yeah. I hate it when the government comes up with these arbitrary decisions.

You know, like now all of a sudden asbestos isn't safe.

I know. What's next, benzene?

Exactly. So can I crash at your place?

Are you sure I didn't use the phrase "hell freezes over"

or "moon collides with the earth"? What?

I need a place to stay for a few weeks.

Come on, Brent. Charity begins at home.

You're right, Mom.

Thanks for lettin' me stay here, Emma.

Just remember, my house, my rules.

Don't talk to our guest like that.

Besides, it's

* You can tell me that your dog ran away *

* Then tell me that it took three days *

* I've heard every joke, I've heard every one you say *

* You think there's not a lot goin' on *

* Look closer, Baby, you're so wrong *

* And that's why you can stay so long *

* Where there's not a lot goin' on **

What ya doin'?

I let some customer give me a hundred.

And you're worried if it's counterfeit?

Yeah. Oh.

What are you lookin' for?

I'm not sure. I saw a guy on TV do this.

Give it up.

You can't tell if it was a fake.

There are subtle signs.

Like is this guy supposed to have a moustache?

By that guy, do you mean Sir Robert Borden,

Prime Minister from 1911 to 1920?

I know who he is.

So is this Gordon guy supposed to have a moustache?

It was 1911. Everybody had a moustache.

I thought everybody had big sideburns.

Just the women.

Forget about the hundred. You're being paranoid.

So I can put this in with your pay?

Let me see that. Forget it.

Lacey, the town needs you.

What?

Well, not just the town,

the Greater Regional Rural Administrative Zone.

There's a new doctor coming to visit and we want you

to convince him to use Dog River as a home base.

What about Dr. Conway?

I got a pain in my chest and I'm totally blind in one eye.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Dr. Conway.

So is this a bad day for my checkup?

He'll be retiring soon.

And I think he's blind in one eye.

Anyway, the Committee to Convince a Young Doctor to Live in Dog River or...

The C.T.C.A.Y.D.T.L.I.D.R. for short.

That's short?

Don't make fun of our acronym.

We thought you'd be a good person to meet

the doctor and show off the town.

Not just the town, the Greater Regional...

Yeah, the G.R.R.A.Z.

You are our first choice.

No.

No.

No.

No.

No.

I do enough on the committee already.

Ask Lacey.

No.

Who are you?

My arm hurts.

Not now. I'm busy.

First choice?

You're not the bottom of the barrel in any way here, Lacey.

Top of the barrel, definitely.

Stop talking.

You know the real ones smell like pine?

Really?

Oh.

Hey, Brent, guess what?

Huh?

I'm working with the committee to make a doctor want to, uh...

Oh, the C.T.C.A.Y.D.T.L.I.D.R., or Citcayditidler.

Yeah. I won't be using either of those.

They save time.

Yeah, you're obviously pressed for time.

Oh. You know what?

All I have is a hundred dollar bill.

You know what? You can owe me for the coffee.

Oh, really?

Could I owe for some pie too?

I'm not sure I like this,

some weirdo livin' in my house takin' up space.

Welcome to my world.

Oscar and I are going outside to do some weeding.

Tending vegetables is what I do.

I'll do it. I like gardening.

You don't have to pretend to like the things that Emma does.

That's my job.

Emma, are your azaleas variegated?

Good pretending.

Aw, come on.

Sorry, Brent. You can't park here during peak hours.

It's not my policy. Blame the G.R.R.A.Z.

Oh, can't fight the Grraz.

Can I pay ya right away?

All I have is this hundred dollar bill.

What can you tell from that?

It's complicated.

I don't have any change.

Well, this is really all I have.

I'll tell ya what. I'm gonna let this one slide.

Thank you, Prime Minister Gordon.

Wow.

That looks great.

Oh, I didn't do much, just moved some things around.

We're in a Type 2 climate, so your maffiolas really

should be in direct sunlight.

Emma, I'm bored.

Well, why don't you go downstairs to the workshop

and show Hank your new project.

Just remember, my room, my rules.

Yeah, he understands, your rules.

Who moved the maffiolas?

Do you guys think I should flirt with this doctor guy?

I have this new blouse, it looks pretty good.

You know, I could entice him a bit.

It's either that or, uh, play up the good things about Dog River.

Better undo a couple a buttons.

I'm not gonna be slutty. I can flirt without being slutty.

Really?

Oh, yeah. You've seen me flirt.

Oh, yeah, sure.

And if you come across a little slutty, that's okay too.

This is like a magic hundred.

You wouldn't believe the stuff I've gotten out of buying.

Won't people will figure out you're trying to get stuff free?

But I'm not. I'm offering them legal tender.

That you think might be fake.

Yeah. But what do I know?

When you're right, you're right.

Hey.

How do I look?

Flimsy?

Flimsy?

Uh.

Fla-flakey.

I was going for flirty.

Yeah, a flimsy, flakey flirt.

Nice save, Cheevers.

This looks great, Oscar, really.

Yeah.

Hank helped.

You got it started.

You've been very helpful.

Having you around means that

Oscar and I will be able to spend a lot more time together.

Hank can't stay with us anymore.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm Chris Garner.

Oh!Dr. Chris Garner.

Hi. Hi.

Hi.

Nice blouse.

Oh.

So can I stay with you?

Of course you can, old buddy.

You've asked everyone else?

Yeah. It's just difficult in the middle of renovation season.

Renovation season?

Everyone in town's doin' renovations,

or at least everyone that I asked.

Yeah. Well, 'tis the season.

Fine, Hank, you can crash at my place.

Great.

Can you lend me 10 bucks?

Oh, actually, you know what?

All I have is this hundred, so I don't...

Yeah, I don't smell pine. You can owe me 10.

Later I'll take you to Main Street where the action is.

There are also several other streets.

It's all so overwhelming.

Overwhelming?

Well, right now I'm based in Campbellford,

88 people, 87 if I move.

Oh! Wow!

Well, welcome to the big city.

Does Dog River have a red light district.

No.

It's just that you're dressed kind of provocatively.

But not slutty, right?

But this is all I have.

Just take the cookies and I'll carry you for now.

Really?

Sweet!

Thank you, Gordon. I love you.

It's Borden.

Whatever. This is a great scam.

I could do this forever.

Yeah. A guy kissing his money, that's not suspicious.

I could get stuff for free as long as what I'm buying

is less than the hassle of makin' change.

Ah, the pain in the ass threshold.

Yeah, as long as I don't cross that line.

Well, you never crossed it before.

Hey!

Why do you call it The Ruby?

My Aunt Ruby owned it. Oh.

She passed away, so I took it over.

I used the tragedy to do something with my life.

My father died when I was younger.

My brother almost died too.

That's the day I chose to become a doctor.

We were both able to grow from tragedy.

Yes.

I used the tragedy in my life to dedicate myself

to healing others and you used yours to sell soup.

Well, it was just my aunt.

It wasn't my father or anything.

Hey, Lacey's talkin' to our new doctor.

Oh, yeah? What's he like?

He's a she.

What? Our new doctor's a transvestite?

No, Hank, she's a woman.

A woman transvestite?

How long are you gonna be stayin' at my place?

This is like that puzzle, where the father and son go on a fishing trip

and the father drowns and the son is rushed to the hospital

and the surgeon says, "I can't operate! This boy is my son!"

If the father's dead, how can he be there?

Think about it.

Oh, I get it.

The doctor's a ghost.

The surgeon is the mother.

Oh, of course.

I mean, yeah, Hank, get with the program.

You didn't get it either.

Well, just for clarification, explain why his ghost theory can't work.

Emma, this is Dr. Garner,

Dr. Christine Garner.

Hello.

It's nice to meet ya.

How do you like Dog River?

Well, it takes a bit of getting used to.

I'm accustomed to a slower pace.

There's a slower pace?

Right now Emma is putting up one of her son's friends.

That's the sort of thing we do for each other in Dog River.

I kicked him out.

Well, I'm sure you found somewhere else...

I don't know where he ended up. Maybe the coyotes got him.

She's just kidding.

Oh-ho, thanks!

I don't have a real urban sense of humour.

Thanks again, Buddy. Let me know if I'm in the way.

It's not a problem.

Friends have a high tolerance for each other.

Tolerance exceeded. I'll be at my folks'.

So you're at Brent's and he's at his folks.

How did that happen?

Ah! Hey, give me another puzzle.

I blew the father thing, but I-I'm good at these.

Okay. This one's a little easier.

All right.

There's a plane crash on the border of Alberta and Saskatchewan.

Is the pilot the mother?

No. Okay.

The plane crashes on the border of Alberta and Saskatchewan.

Where do you bury the survivors?

Whoo.

Right on the border, huh?

I guess you gotta try and figure out

which province has more of the plane.

The plane is equally divided between the two provinces.

Okay. All right. I see that.

I guess you flip a coin.

Where do you bury the

Oh, survivors!

One on each side.

Just remember, my house, my rules.

Isn't the phrase, my roof, my rules?

Under my roof I say my house, my rules.

In your house, you can say my roof, my rules.

But not under my roof. Got it?

Got any root beer?

Maybe you should pay for some groceries.

Well, I would, but all I have is this hundred dollar bill.

Ah, get outta here with your fake money.

Like a prime minister would have a moustache?

No, you-you can't bury survivors, Hank.

They're not dead.

But I thought you said the plane crashed.

Oh, I've got one. Don't start.

This has taken up my whole afternoon.

If a rooster lays an egg on the roof,

which side does it roll down?

The Alberta side. Heh?

No, wait! It's a trick? The roof is flat.

No, it's a slanted roof.

The egg is square.

No?

Where is Mom, anyway?

Ah, she's meeting with the stupid C.T.C.C.A.Y.T.L.I.D.R.

All this town needs is another quack doctor peddlin' mumbo jumbo.

Like what?

Oh, they make up all that voodoo bologna.

X - rays, vitamins.

Geriatric dementia.

Exactly. Half those drugs you take are sugar pills.

Maybe you should double your dosage.

Oh, you'd like that.

Well, I got news for you. Winners don't do drugs.

Yeah, you're obviously up on the latest in pharmacology?

All you do is argue against the old man.

I'm not the 30-something who has moved in with his parents.

Maybe I'll just figure out a way to live with Hank.

Yeah.

And take your funny money with ya.

I think she's gonna stay.

Really? Mm.

What?

That's good news, isn't it?

She doesn't exactly... Inspire confidence.

No. And this may be a little politically incorrect, but she's a...

hick.

Small town all right, a real hayseed.

I feel like I have to talk slower.

Okay.

So, just so I'm getting this straight, you,

the people of Dog River,

are saying she's too small town for you?

Now, you're gettin' it, Big City.

How soon can you make her leave?

You can't kick her out of town just because you don't like her.

You're the committee to make sure a young doctor moves to Dog River.

What do you got against acronyms, anyway?

Hey, Brent.

He had a rooster on a roof trying to see

what side it would lay an egg on.

I had to kick him out.

You kicked out the rooster?

No, Hank.

I wanted to keep the rooster. He's cleaner.

Well, on the plus side, your Hank tolerance is now higher.

Whatever doesn't kill me makes me stronger.

I can face anything now that I have Gordon.

I just wish you wouldn't keep kissing him all the time.

Ah, you're jealous, 'cause he could have been yours.

Brent, have you met Dr. Chris Garner?

No, not yet. Hi.

I'm just trying to show Chris

that we're pretty down to earth.

Right now Brent is bunking with a good friend. I heard.

I just had to kick him out.

Everything was goin' okay, but he wanted to bring animals Oh no. into it and...

Oh. Excuse me.

Well, where is Hank gonna stay now?

I appreciate this.

My pleasure.

Do you have to keep the door locked, though?

My roof, my rules.

So, your friend, Brent, he's pretty out in the open?

Oh, yeah.

Out in the Open Brent.

Hey, Guys. What's up?

Not much.

Oscar threw our son out of the house.

Did you get in a fight? Over drugs.

Where will he stay? He can live in the street.

Who, Hank? Not Hank, Brent.

Hank's in jail.

Jail?

I thought he was with Brent. Well, what about Gordon?

He was with Brent. Now he's with Davis.

Davis won't let him stay at the house because of the animal thing.

But Davis started the animal thing.

Really?

Yeah, I was kinda in on it too. Hank was on me all afternoon.

Excuse me.

What's Small Town's problem?

Lacey's right.

You're not getting a fair picture of our town.

I'll get this round.

Actually, all I have is this hundred dollar bill.

You only carry hundred dollar bills?

This must be an expensive place to live.

Not lately.

Gee! A hundred! You can get me for that... I'll break it.

Are you sure? That bill looks a little dicey

and it made my fingers brown.

Oh, great.

You can get me for those other rounds then, too.

Ah. And for the last four meals.

And this is for the Girl Guides.

And so ends a golden age.

Hey, Guys. Hey, let me squeeze in here.

What?

Please!

You guys think I don't know what's going on?

It's obvious the whole town has conspired

to convince me not to live here.

The weird sex capades of Brent and his friends,

people tossing their kids out, and the constant smothering

by this woman who dresses all slutty.

No, flirty.

If you didn't want me to live here, you shoulda just said so.

Hey, Lacey, great job.

Top of the barrel.

Chris, this is Hank. Hi.

He's gonna explain all of these misunderstandings

and why the confusion is mostly his fault.

Well, in a way it's actually kinda your fault.

My fault?

Yeah, because you're a woman doctor

and that led to that story about the father dying

and the son in hospital and then you gotta

figure out where all the dead bodies are buried.

I don't know how you can be so cruel,

using my family's tragedy against me!

No, no, no.

No, no, that was just a coincidence.

I hate this place!

So you're gonna stay?

Well, that's a bummer.

Should I go flirt with her?

Closed Captioning by

Vertical

www. verticalsync. com

* I don't know the same things you don't know *

* I don't know I just don't know *

* It's a great big place

* full of nothin' but space

* and it's my happy place

* I don't know Yes you do *

* You just won't admit it

* I don't know the same things you don't know *

Want to have a gas online? Visit us at cornergas. com

* I don't know

* I just don't know *