All language subtitles for Chris.Rock.Selective.Outrage.2023.REPACK.1080p.WEB.H264-NAISU

[slow instrumental music playing]

[funk drums playing]

[indistinct chatter]

[man] Let's go!

- [hip-hop music playing]
- [audience cheering]

[Chris Rock] She said,
"$300, I'll do anything you want."

I said, "Bitch, paint my house."

We don't need the death penalty!

We got the tossed salad man!

'Cause if a bullet costs $5,000,
there'll be no more innocent bystanders.

I ain't scared of Al-Qaeda.

I'm scared of Al-Cracker.

You cannot lend money
to people you're fucking.

'Cause they think that sex is a payback.

We just got a few bad apples
that like to crash into mountains.

[audience laughing]

[audience cheering]

[hip-hop music playing]

[female announcer] Ladies and gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen.

Chris Rock!

[audience cheering]

[audience continue cheering]

[Chris Rock] What's up, Baltimore?

[audience cheers loudly]

Yes!

Yes, yes.

Thank you!

Thank you so much!

Thank you so much
to coming to my Netflix special.

- Thank you.
- [audience cheering]

That's right. That's right!

Okay.

- I'mma try to do a show.
- [man shouting unintelligibly]

I'mma try... Nigga, sit down!

I'mma try to do a show tonight
without offending nobody, okay?

I'mma try my best.

You know why? 'Cause you never know
who might get triggered.

That's right. You say the wrong thing...

motherfuckers get scared.

You gotta watch out.

You know what people say.
They always say, uh, "words hurt."

That's what they say.
You gotta watch what you say.

'Cause words hurt.

You know anybody that says words hurt

has never been punched in the face.

[audience laughing]

Okay?

Yeah, words hurt
when you write them on a brick, okay?

You gotta watch out.

Everybody's scared.

Everybody scared.

If you a certain age and you go to work,
you are fucking scared.

In the old days,
if somebody wanted your job,

they just worked harder than you.

Now, somebody wants your job,

they just wait for you
to say some dumb shit.

Yeah.

Try to get you
with one of them woke traps.

Say, "Hey, we going
to a gay wedding tomorrow."

"How do you feel about that?"
Oh, ho, ho, ho!

"It's good. It's good."

Don't fall into the woke trap at all now.

I have no problem with the wokeness.

I have no problem with it at all.

I'm all for social justice.

I'm all for, for marginalized people
getting their rights.

The thing I have a problem with
is the selective outrage.

- [audience applauding]
- That's right, selective outrage.

Everybody, you know what
I'm talking about?

One person does something,

they get cancelled.

Somebody else does the exact same thing...

No.

You know what I'm talking about.

You know, like the kind of people
that play Michael Jackson songs,

but won't play R. Kelly.

[audience laughing and applauding]

[imperceptible]

Same crime.

One of them just got better songs.

[chuckling] That's right.

Well, I'll play "Startin' Somethin',"
it's a party.

I play "Bump n' Grind,"
now you are activists.

So, everybody's scared.

Everybody full of shit, you know?

I'm in my old neighborhood the other day.
I bumped into my, my good friend, Fred.

Hadn't seen him in years.

Hadn't seen him in years.

Fred got a new job at AT&T, okay?

So, I'm like, "Hey, Fred, how's the job?"

And Fred's like, "Oh, I love the job."

"It's a safe space."

"I feel seen, I feel heard."

"There's a lot of diversity."

And I'm looking at him. I'm like...

"Nigga, it's me."

What, you think I'm wearing
a wire or some shit?

What the fuck you talking about,
safe space?

Nigga, you did eight years
for manslaughter.

Nobody's safe around you.

Everybody's full of shit.

Motherfuckers typing out woke ass tweets
on a, on a phone made by child slaves.

You need to cut it out, man.

Not only is everybody full of shit,

not only is everybody full of shit,
every business is full of shit.

- [man whooping]
- Everybody you do business,

they don't even tell you
about the product no more.

They just tell you
how much charity they do.

They say, "We give back."

"We like to give back."

"We don't even like the money."

"We just give back."

I'm in the mall the other day.

I went by that store.

What's this thing? A Lululemon.

Lululemon, I walk by and in the window

of every Lululemon,
there's a sign that says,

"We don't support racism,
sexism, discrimination, or hate."

And I'm like, "Who gives a fuck?"

You're just selling yoga pants.

I don't need your yoga pants politics.

Tell me how you work on ball sweat.

The fuck you talking about, man?

And then, I'm watching
the game the other night.

There was a--
There was a commercial for Subaru.

Commercial for Subaru, and it said, uh,
"For every Subaru we sell,

we'll donate $250
to your favorite charity."

And I'm like, "Who gives a fuck?"

I'm like, "Subaru,
you want to help me out?"

"Why don't you just
sell me the car for $250 less?"

[audience laughing]

Shit, I'm my favorite charity.

Shit. You know what Elon Musk does?

Every time he sells a Tesla,
he gets his dick sucked.

That's why he looks so weird.

'Cause his body has negative cum.

He's the richest man on Earth.

No one has lower cum levels
than Elon Musk, okay?

Women are sucking out the cum
before it's even formed.

There's a six-month waiting list
for Elon Musk's cum.

[chuckles] He's flying bitches
to the moon.

Who could compete with that shit?

No one has less sperm than Elon Musk.

Only Jason Momoa comes close.

To having less spunk than Elon Musk.

Fucking Lululemon.

"We don't support racism,
sexism, discrimination, or hate."

They sell $100 yoga pants.

$100 yoga pants.

They hate somebody.

[laughs]

They hate the poor.

[sputters] $100 yoga pants?

No, no, no. Correction.

They don't sell $100 yoga pants.

They sell $100 non-racist yoga pants.

I think I speak
for the entire audience tonight

when I say most people in this crowd

would prefer a pair
of $20 racist yoga pants.

[audience cheer in agreement]

That's right. Like, yoga pants
that whistled "nigga" as you walk.

"Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga. Nigga."

"Are my pants whistling, 'Nigga'?"

"Can't wear these to Cherry Hill."

Yeah, we live in Baltimore tonight, baby.

- We are motherfucking live.
- [audience cheering]

Okay?

Homework, that's right.

Whenever I do a show, I do my homework.

First thing I do when I get to town,
I'll go, "Where should I not go?"

And then I say, "Where can I buy coke?"

And they're usually the same place.

[chuckles]

Now, America's...
America's got problems right now.

They say we're addicted to opioids.

They say we're addicted
to opioids and we are.

I like a good opioid
when I could get my hand on it. [chuckles]

There's, like, no pharmacist
has ever paid to come to my show.

[laughs]

"I think we can get him in there, yeah."

That's right, man.

They say we're addicted to opioids,

but opioids are not
the biggest addiction in America.

No. Not even close, man.

The biggest addiction
in America is attention.

That's right.

We are addicted to attention.

Can't get enough attention.

Feening for likes.

Just feening. We used to want love.

Now, we just want likes.

Posting up pathetic pictures.

[high-pitch voice]
"This is me eating sushi. Like me."

[chuckling] "This is me, 25 years ago,
when I was hot. Like me."

[normal voice] Oh, it's fucking sad, man.

Just feening for attention.

Addicted to attention.

And how do you get attention?

Four easy ways to get attention.

Number one easiest way to get attention,

show your ass.

Show your ass!

You will get attention,
even if you don't got ass!

That's the world we live in.

It's why Blac Chyna
has more followers than Gayle King.

'Cause Chyna is showing that ass.

That's right.
So number one, show your ass.

Number two easiest way to get attention

is to be infamous.

Yeah. Do some fucked up shit.
Shoot up a school.

Try to stab Dave Chappelle at a show.

That's right, infamy.
You will get attention.

Number three easiest way to get attention,

that's right, to be excellent.

That's right. Like Serena Williams,

greatest tennis player
to ever play the game.

[audience cheering]

Absolutely excellent!

Being excellent will get you attention,
but it's hard being excellent.

You gotta get up in the morning.

[laughs] You gotta work out.
You gotta practice.

It is much easier to show your ass.

That's right. That's right.

And the number four
easiest way to get attention, number four,

is to be a victim.

[audience] Ooh.

- It's like "Where he going with this?"
- [audience laughs]

Don't get me wrong,
there's no victim-shaming going on.

No. No, no, no, no.
There are real victims in this world.

There are people that have
gone through unspeakable trauma,

and they need your love,
your support, and they need your care.

But if everybody claims to be a victim

when the real victims need help,

ain't nobody gonna be there
to help them, okay?

And right now, we live in a world

where the emergency room is filled up
with motherfuckers with paper cuts.

Okay?

- [audience cheering and whistling]
- That's right.

Everybody's trying to be a victim.

People that know
good and goddamn well they ain't victims.

Like white men.

When did white men become victims?

White men actually think
they're losing the country.

To who?

It ain't us.

When's the last time
you got on a Black cruise ship?

Or flew on a Black airline?

Get the fuck out of here.
We don't got no money!

We got some vodkas
and a couple of record companies.

White men actually think
they're losing the country!

Can you believe--
Did you see the Capitol riots?

White men trying to overthrow
the government that they run!

[audience laughing]

The fuck?

They're like,
"We gotta get them out of office."

Who? "Us."

[laughs]

Did you see the Capitol riots?

Like, what kind of white
Planet of the Apes shit was that?

These motherfuckers are climbing up walls

and taking a shit on Pelosi's desk.

What the fuck?

What would make white men think
they're losing the country? What?

What? What?

What, 'cause there's no more
white couples in commercials?

There's no Black couples either.

Every commercial has
a mixed race couple. Everything!

Shit, I saw a commercial the other day,

saw a Japanese woman
married to a caterpillar.

[chuckles]

Their kids were squirrels!

By the way, speaking of commercials,

when did Snoop Dogg become Morgan Freeman?

[audience laughing and applauding]

This nigga's selling everything.

Beer, wine, tampons...

I saw a commercial the other day,
Snoop was selling reverse mortgages.

Called them, "Dogg-ages."

What the fuck's a "Dogg-age"?

I love Snoop. I love Snoop Okay, so just...

I'm not dissing Snoop, all right?

Last thing I need
is another mad rapper, right?

[audience laughing]

Nope. Nope, nope.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Back to the show.
Everybody is trying to be a victim.

Like, what's this girl Meghan Markle?

[groans] Seemed like a nice lady.

Just complaining. I was like, "Didn't she
hit the light-skinned lottery?"

Hit the fucking light-skinned lottery,
and still going on complaining.

Acting all dumb,
like she don't know nothing.

Going on Oprah,
[voice breaking] "I didn't know.

I had no idea how racist they were."

[normal voice] It's the royal family.

You didn't google these motherfuckers?

[chuckles] What the fuck
is she talking about, "she didn't know"?

The fuck? It's the royal family!

They're the original racists!

They invented colonialism!

They're the OGs of racism.

They're the Sugarhill Gang of racism.

Like, "The hip-hop, the hippie,

the hippie-dippie hip hip-hop
and you don't stop" of racism.

The fuck is she talking about,
"I didn't know"?

That's like marrying
into the Budweiser family

and going, "They drink a lot!"

The fuck is she talking about?

These motherfuckers invested in slavery
like it was Shark Tank.

[laughs]

The fuck? She said, "They're so racist.
They're so racist."

Some of that shit
she went through was not racism!

It was just some in-law shit.

And sometimes it's just some in-law shit!

'Cause she's complaining, and I'm like,
"What the fuck is she talking about?"

[voice breaking]
"Oprah, they're so racist!"

"They wanted to know
how brown the baby was gonna be."

"They're so racist. They wanted to know
how brown the baby's gonna be."

[normal voice]
I'm like, "That's not racist!"

'Cause even Black people wanna know...

[audience laughing and applauding]

how brown the baby gonna be!
Shit, we check behind them ears.

That's a scientific test. [chuckles]

'Cause you gotta see
what kind of Black child you're gonna get.

Is this a Steph Curry baby?

Or a Draymond Green baby?

That Draymond baby gonna have a hard life.

Draymond Black, baby. That nigga dark.

He's "sneak-up-on-you" Black.

Where you at, Draymond? "Right here." Hey!

Hey!

Put a bell on, nigga! Put a bell!

I know what she going through.
I know what Meghan Markle's going through.

I-I know her dilemma.

Black girl trying to be accepted
by her white in-laws. Oh, it's hard.

Black girl trying to be accepted
by her white in-laws. It's so hard.

It's very hard!

But it ain't as hard

as a white girl trying to be
accepted by her Black in-laws.

Now, that shit is really hard.

Shit, you bring a white girl
home for Thanksgiving,

your momma gonna say something.

Your momma's like, "Why is there
a social worker at the table?"

Like, "Momma, that's Jackie!"

"We've been married nine years!"

"You got three grandchildren!
Stop being so mean!"

"You know I'm playing, right, Jackie?
Just give me time."

Nah, nah, nah.

Meghan Markle, I know the dilemma.

Black girl trying to be accepted
by her white in-laws.

Black girl trying to be accepted
by her white in-laws.

I'm like, "Hey! If you're Black,

and you wanna be accepted
by your white in-laws,

then you need to marry a Kardashian."

'Cause they accept everybody.

So, like, Kris Jenner
is like the Statue of Liberty.

"Give me your tired,
your poor, your huddled masses..."

Kris Jenner lets everybody in.

That's right. She's like a Black grandma.

She just wants to fix you up a plate,
that Kris Jenner.

She don't give a fuck.
She lets everybody in.

She's like, "Bipolar rapper?
Bring your ass in here."

"Come in here, you genius,
bipolar motherfucker."

"Crackhead basketball player?
Bring your ass here."

"Let me fix you up a plate,
you old crackhead."

"Daddy got titties? Bring your ass here."

"Help me with these plates."

[laughs] The Kardashians are inclusive!

And they love Black people
more than Black people love Black people.

Shit, the father freed O.J.

[audience laughing]

Oh, you forgot that little nugget
of Black history?

He was a, he was a valuable member
of the Dream Team.

That's right. He wasn't Johnnie Cochran.
He was the Klay Thompson of that team.

That's right. That's right.

Robert Kardashian helped
to free O.J. Simpson,

a Black, football playing murderer!

Whoo! O.J. Simpson killed two white people
and got away with it.

That's another kind of Black excellence.

That's way before Wakanda.

Ah, ha, ha!

Yes. Robert Kardashian helped
to free O.J. Simpson.

That's right. And from that day on,

from the day that he helped
to free O.J. Simpson,

from the time
O.J. Simpson left that court...

From that day on,
Robert Kardashian was cursed.

That's right.

The judge said, "Not guilty."

O.J. left the court,
got in his Bronco, drove away.

And soon as O.J. drove away,

God appeared.

And God walked up to Robert Kardashian

and God said,

"Robert Kardashian!"

"For the sin of helping
to free O.J. Simpson,

a Black, football-playing murderer,

from this day forth,

for the rest of eternity,

till the end of time,

your daughters will fuck
nothing but niggas!"

[audience laughing]

"And not just any niggas,

crazy niggas."

"The craziest niggas to ever live."

[laughs]

Yeah, we going in tonight.

You can't tell none
of these jokes at work, motherfucker.

No!

I love the Kardashians.
I love the Kardashians.

They're a very tight-knit family.

I-- You know what I love
about the Kardashians?

I love how quickly

they accepted Caitlyn.

I thought that was beautiful.
I thought it was beautiful.

That's right.
"No muss, no fuss, she's with us."

I thought it was beautiful.
I would love to believe

that if my father became a woman,

that we would accept the situation

as fast as the Kardashians.

And I'm sure we would. I'm sure we would.

It wouldn't be the first season.

[chuckling] You know,
we need a few episodes

to make this shit happen--
No, no, no. No, no.

Honestly, here's the deal.
If my father became a woman,

I would accept it right away.
I would accept it right away.

You know why? 'Cause I'm an artist.

And I've worked with all sorts,
got nothing against anybody.

Trans, I'm sure there's trans people here.

I got no beef with anybody.

- I'm gonna accept everyone, right?
- [man whoops]

That's right. If my father became a woman,
I'd accept it.

I mean, to be perfectly honest...

To be perfectly honest,

in some situations

I actually prefer trans women

to original recipe.

Like, when you're watching a game

they could read defenses.

"That's a Cover 2."
"Ooh, thanks, Peaches."

No! [guffaws]

No, no, no. Again,
if my father became a woman,

I would accept it

'cause I'm an artist
and I would accept it immediately.

Now, my brothers drive trucks.

So, their reaction might be
a little different than mine.

Especially my older brother, Andre.

He, you know,
drives an 18-wheeler, is a Raiders fan.

He's one of them "argh" niggas, you know?

If my father became a woman,
Andre would have a problem with it.

That would be a very testy Christmas

to say the least.

My brother Andre would be like,
"Man, fuck that shit, man!"

"The fuck, you got the heels on?"

"The fuck you doing? You don't gotta
wear a motherfucking heel."

"Why the wig?
What that got to do with nothin'?"

"What the hair got to do with nothin'?"

"Nah, I ain't shaking your hand."

"I don't want none
of that trans to rub off on me."

"My kids here, nigga, my kids!"

And then, I would have to step in
and be the voice of reason.

I would have to check my brother.

I would have to walk up
to him going, "Hey! Hey!"

"Hey, nigga!"

"She's your daddy!"

[laughs]

We gotta love everybody, man.
We gotta love all.

America, America's in bad shape
right now, man.

America's in horrible shape.
We got it worse than Ukraine.

Yeah, I said it.

You know why? 'Cause Ukraine is united

and America is clearly divided.

Okay? We are clearly divided.

Our shit is so screwed up right now,
if the Russians came here right now,

half the country would go,

"Let's hear 'em out."

We in a bad place, man.

Republicans lie.

Republicans lie.

Biggest liars in the world.
Republicans lie,

and Democrats leave out
key pieces of the truth...

[audience cheering and whistling]

that would lead to
a more nuanced argument.

The whole country is fucked up.

School shootings every week.

Fucking opioid epidemic.

Abortion is illegal
in most of the country.

In most of the country,
abortion's illegal.

A lot of people say, "Chris,
you shouldn't talk about abortion."

"It's a women's issue."

Say, "Chris!
You shouldn't talk about abortion."

"It's a women's issue."

And I'm like, "Hey."

"I've paid for more abortions
than any woman in this room."

Shit, when I go to the clinic, I say,

"Gimme the usual."

When I go in there,
they give me a punch card. "Here you go."

Two more and I get a free smoothie.

"Mango."

That's right, pro-life, pro-choice.

Pro-life, pro-choice,
what are you, what are you?

I have two beautiful daughters.
I have two beautiful daughters, right?

And...

So, there's a part of me...

There's a part of me

that's pro-life, okay?

'Cause I'm definitely pro their lives.

Okay? So, there's
a part of me that's pro-life.

But since I love
my daughters unconditionally--

I love them not just as little girls,
I love them as grown women.

I want my daughters to live in a world

where they have
complete control of their bodies, okay?

- [audience cheering]
- Okay?

And because of that,

I am pro-choice.

I am absolutely pro-choice, okay?

I believe women
should have the right to kill babies.

[scattered laughs]

That's right. I'm on your side.

I believe you should have the right
to kill as many babies as you want.

Kill 'em all, I don't give a fuck.

But let's not get it twisted,
it is killing a baby.

'Cause whenever I pay for an abortion,

I request a dead baby.

Sometimes, I call up
the doctor like a hit man.

"Is it done?"

[laughs]

And people argue
first trimester, second trimester.

First trimester, second trimester.

I think women should have the right
to kill a baby until it's four years old.

That's right, fuck trimester. Semester.

I think you should be able to kill a baby
till you get that first report card.

[exclaims]
"He ain't never getting a scholarship."

"Okay, you can finish
watching Stranger Things,

but when it's over,
we going to the clinic."

"Hurry up, I'm trying to get a smoothie."

That's right. Pro-life, pro-choice.
I'm pro-choice. I'm pro-choice.

I'm pro right choice. I'm pro good choice.
I'm pro practical choice.

Like, ladies...

Ladies, listen to me.

If you have to pay

for your own abortion,

you should get an abortion.

Stop letting broke dicks
cum inside of you.

This has been
a public service announcement.

I'm on your side!

I'm on your side.

Everybody cares about abortion,
trying to save these bad-ass kids.

You know, whenever some kid
goes crazy at a school,

they always say,
"No child... No child is born is racist."

"No child is born hating."

"You have to teach a child to hate.
All children are good."

"All children are born pure."

You know, only people without kids
say dumb shit like that.

Kids are the meanest motherfuckers
on the face of the earth.

They're the most racist,
sexist, homophobic, fat-a-phobic,

will-say-anything-to-your-face
motherfuckers on Earth, okay?

You realize human beings,
we have the worst offspring of any animal.

We're the only animal
in the whole animal kingdom

that has to raise its kids for 18 years.

Eighteen years. Every other animal's
like two or three days.

Like, birds are like,

"I hope you can fly."

[chuckles] Eighteen years!
And they still bad!

And they still fuck up.

"No, kids are born good."
Shut the fuck up, man.

My oldest daughter, Lola,
used to bite kids.

Bite 'em.

That's right.
You'd be at a birthday party.

"Happy birthday to..." [yelps in pain]

You look around, Lola done bit somebody.

Now, let me ask you something.
Do you think me and her mother

taught her to bite?

Do you think me and her mother
sharpened her teeth?

Do you think we bought her
mannequins to practice on?

No, that's just who the fuck she is.

That's just her nature.

She came out the womb like Wolverine.

I love my kids. I love my kids,
but I don't like them.

I don't like my kids.

You know one reason I don't like my kids?
'Cause my kids are rich.

My kids are rich and spoiled.

I know some people are like,
"Chris, you're rich."

Yeah, I'm rich.

But I identify as poor.

[audience laughing and applauding]

[man] Whoo!

That's right, my pronoun is broke.

That's right, man.

And my kids are spoiled.

My kids are fucking spoiled and I did it.

Me and their mother, but I fucking did it.

A lot, a lot of Black people
get a little money, and they're like,

"I want my kids to know
how it is in the hood." Not me.

I want the exact opposite.

I want my kids
to know shit about the hood.

I want them to be lost
every time they're in a hood, okay?

My kids went
to the best schools on Earth, okay?

My kids speak multiple languages, okay?

Sometimes they curse me out,
I don't even know what they talkin' about.

My kids ski, they ride horses, they fence.

I've got fencing Black girls,

with afro puffs,

talking about, "Touché, nigga."

That's right. You can't fuck with
the Rock girls, boy.

Them Rock girls are fucking spoiled.

I remember my youngest, Zahra,

when she was in kindergarten,
one day, the teacher said,

"Today, we're gonna learn
about the four seasons."

And Zahra said,
"That's my favorite hotel."

[laughs]

Yeah, you ain't never seen
Black girls like this.

My kids are fucking spoiled.

That's right. And I did it, man.

When they were little kids,
I used to take them to Disney a lot.

Used to take them to Disney
all the time, right?

But I ain't take them
like normal people, no.

That's right. We went
on the Illuminati package.

We weren't out there
waiting to meet the characters,

like everybody else.

We were backstage
chilling with the characters.

That's right. I smoked a joint with Goofy.

Fucking Minnie gave me a lap dance.

Rubbed that big rat ass on me.

Ha, ha, ha, ha!

That's right, man.

My kids had it good.
Had it much better than me.

'Cause when I was a kid,
we went to Disney.

That's right.
Me, my mother, and my brothers,

we went to Disney as poor people.

On a church trip.

[chuckling] Sad already, ain't it?

On a church trip.

New York to Orlando, in August,

on a bus with no AC.

It was so hot, I thought
we were going to see the Devil.

Took us two days to get there,

'cause the driver was selling
weed on the way.

And when we finally got there,
we weren't really there,

'cause Disney's in Orlando,
and our hotel was in Alabama.

And we're staying in some nasty motel.

It had a bed that vibrates
if you put a quarter in it.

We're little kids. We don't know
this is a nasty, cummed-up mattress.

And we're begging my mother,
"Mommy, can you put another quarter in?"

And my mother's like, "I'm gonna put
a quarter in, but this counts as a ride."

[chuckling] God damn.

Best time of my life.

Now, my kids, my kids,
yes, they're spoiled.

Yes, they are spoiled,

but they get in trouble
just like any other kids.

So about three years ago,

my oldest, Lola,
was a senior in high school, right?

And they went on a class trip.
It was time for a class trip.

Now, a fancy school has a fancy trip.

So their class trip was to Portugal.

Ain't that some shit? Portugal.

When I was a kid,
we went to the Bronx Zoo.

Watched a gorilla jerk off.

And then had to write a report about it.

"He held it tightly."

So Lola goes on the class trip,

and she's in Portugal,
doing whatever Portuguese shit they do.

And one day, Lola,
and four of her little white girl friends

decide that they're bored
and they're gonna leave the class.

They're gonna sneak away,
go to a bar, and get drunk.

And then they tried to sneak back in.

But of course, they got busted.
Of course, they got busted.

Now, these crazy, rich, white schools,

they don't play that shit.

You get busted sneaking out drinking,
they're like, "You are kicked out."

But...

But, this school, of course,

these crazy white schools
got rich-ass white parents.

And rich-ass white parents do not let
their kids get kicked out of school.

So all these rich-ass parents,
they've all got lawyers.

Even the ones
that were lawyers, got lawyers.

Okay? And they got them good lawyers.

They got those NFL rape lawyers.

Like, I'm not advocating rape.

But if you're ever on trial,
that's who you want, okay?

Either that, or Robert Kardashian, right?

And they got the good lawyers, right?

I didn't want a lawyer at first.

I didn't want to get a lawyer
because I was mad at my child.

I was mad. I was like,
"Lola, what the fuck is going on?"

"First, you're biting. Now, this shit?"

And I tried to talk to my ex-wife.

I was like, "Let's wait
before we get a lawyer."

"Let's see how this turns out.
Let's see how it unfolds."

My ex-wife's like, "No, fuck that."

"We're getting a lawyer,
and we're gonna sue this school."

"We're gonna sue this dean.
We're gonna sue these teachers."

"I can't even believe
they let her out of their sight."

"We are suing these people."

And I started to argue with her,

but the last time I argued
with my ex-wife about a lawyer,

I lost my house.

So we got a lawyer. We got a lawyer.

And I'm talking to the lawyer,

and the lawyer's like,
"Okay, okay, I talked to some people."

"And if you give me ten days,

I should be able
to get her back in the school."

So Lola's home for ten days.

One day, I come home from work
and I see Lola outside just laughing

with, like, three of her little
white girl friends, just laughing.

You ever just want
to choke your child for smiling?

Like, motherfucker,
what are you smiling about right now?

So I walk over to Lola.
I'm like, "Lola, what's so funny?"

"What is so funny?"

And Lola's like, "Daddy, stop it!"

"You're so serious.
I'll be back in school in no time."

And I'm like,
"Look at this smug motherfucker."

And at that moment, I kind of snapped.

And I got back in the car.

I got back in the fucking car
and I drove to the school.

I drove to the school and found the dean.

I was like, "Hey, we need to talk."

"I know
you're going through it right now."

"I know you've got
a lot of parents trying to sue you,

and trying to sue the school,
and trying to get you fired,

but I need a favor."

"I need you to kick
my daughter out of this school."

"I need you to kick
her Black ass out of this school."

"I need my Black child
to learn her lesson right now,

before she ends up
on OnlyFans or some shit."

"Please kick my child
out of fucking school."

And they kicked her out.

They kicked them all out,
but they kicked my child out first,

okay? 'Cause I'm a celebrity.

And I went home,

act like I didn't know
what was about to happen.

The phone rang. I was like,
"Lola, you should get that."

I act like I didn't know shit.

And Lola got the phone
and they gave her the news.

And then Lola comes in all sad.

[crying] "Daddy,
they kicked me out of school."

And I was like, "I told you
them crackers are mean, Lola."

"I told you about them crackers."

And to this day,

Lola has no idea
I had anything to do with that shit.

And her mother has no idea
I had anything to do with that shit.

And the lawyer has no idea.

And they won't find out
till they see this shit on Netflix.

[audience cheering]

Here's the amazing thing.

Here's a beautiful thing that happened.
Here's a beautiful thing...

It worked.

The whole thing humbled Lola, my God,

'cause Lola got kicked
out of school for real.

So she had to apply
to another high school,

and she had to write essays
explaining why she got kicked out,

and why it would never happen again.

And when it was time
for her to apply for college,

she had to write why she got kicked out,
and why it would never happen again.

And now, three years later,

my daughter, Lola, is one
of the coolest people I have ever met.

- She is so amazing.
- [audience applauding]

Lola Rock is amazing.

My daughter, Lola,
goes to culinary school in Paris.

Yeah.

Culinary school. Touché, nigga, touché.

Culinary school in Paris.

That's right.
My greatest achievement, man.

I mean, let's just think about it.
Let's just think about it for a second.

My mother was born in 1945.

My mother was born
in 1945, in a little town

called Georgetown, South Carolina, right?

And my mother told me

when she was a little girl,
it was against the law

for a Black person
to go to a white dentist.

Against the law for a Black person
to go to a white dentist, right?

And if you were a little child
and you needed your teeth taken out,

like all children do,

if you're a little Black child

and you needed your teeth taken out,
and you couldn't find a Black dentist,

you had to go to a vet.

Yeah, motherfucker. A vet in America.

I'm talking about my mother.
I'm not talking about Harriet Tubman.

I'm talking about my mother.
Shit, she's sitting over there, okay?

- [audience cheering]
- My mother went to a vet, okay?

Went to a vet.

And think about it.

The same woman that had to go through

the indignity of getting
her teeth taken out by a fucking vet,

the same woman now, twice a year,

gets on a plane, flies to Paris,
and has coffee with her granddaughter,

who is going to culinary school.

Touché, nigga, touché.

Okay?

And Lola, and my mother,

my mother sits her down
and tells her about her life,

and then Lola bites her.

Yes.

Touché, nigga, touché.

Oh, my life is good.

I cannot complain, man. Cannot complain.

You know, I got some bullshit going on,
but it's going good.

I'm single.

I'm single.

Have been single a long time.

I was married for a long time,

you know,
I was dating somebody for a while.

Now I'm single and here's the crazy thing.

You don't even realize

all the amazing little things
a woman does for you

'til you don't have one.

You don't even realize 'em.

Women do so many things
that you don't even realize.

Like the other night,
I'm trying to get some sleep

trying to sleep, couldn't sleep,
trying to sleep, couldn't sleep.

And suddenly it dawned on me, I was like,

"This pillowcase is filthy."

"Are we supposed to change these?"

I flipped it over it was black and greasy.

I was like, "Did Draymond Green
sleep on this part of the bed?"

- That shit was black, man.
- Yeah.

Try to date.

Trying to fucking date is hard.

'Cause on one hand, you know,
I'm loving, I want a real relationship.

"I want a Sunday kind of love."

And the other time,
on the other hand, I'm just a ho.

I'm just bad.
I'm like, "Ah, fuck all this shit."

Like I'm all fucked up, we all got that.

Like, ladies, I will lick your ass

and never call you again.

But if we hold hands, you my girl.

Why is that?

Why is holding hands
more intimate than licking ass?

That don't make no sense.

I'm doing the Netflix special tonight,
I'm making a ton of money,

I might lick somebody's ass tonight.

But I know, I ain't holding nobody's hand.

I know that shit. [laughs]

I can't tell you every woman I fucked,
but I know every hand I ever held.

I'm trying to date, trying to date.

Trying to date women my age,

which is 10 to 15 years younger than me.

Don't hate the player, hate the game.

You're right.

I didn't get rich and stay in shape
to talk about Anita Baker.

[laughs]

I'm trying to fuck Doja Cat.

[guffaws]

Yeah, nigga, yeah.

No, man, a lot of people think

men date younger women
'cause they're younger.

No, not at all.

Men do not date younger women
'cause they're younger.

Men date younger women

'cause they're less expensive to date.

That is what it all boils down to.

See, you go out with a 25-year-old,
she just wants a pair of shoes.

[imitating a woman] "I saw these shoes.
Can I get these shoes?"

"I saw these shoes.
Can I get these shoes?"

"I really like these shoes.
Can I get these shoes?"

"Can I send you the link?"

"Can I send you the link?"

"I want to get these shoes.
Can I get these shoes?"

"You can Venmo me."

"That's the app
I put on your phone three weeks ago."

"Can I get these shoes?"

[normal voice] And if you're lucky,

your 25-year-old
will model those shoes for you.

That's right.
You go, "Fuck it. Get your shoes."

And if you're lucky,
she will model them for you naked.

She's like, "You like your shoes, Daddy?"
"You like your shoes?"

[imitating a woman] "You like your shoes,
Daddy?" "You like your shoes?"

[normal voice] And everybody's happy

for the price of a pair of shoes.

That's what it's like
to date a 25 year old.

You go out with a 45, 50?

They want more than shoes.

[chuckles] You go out
with a 45, 50-year-old, she's like,

"Can you help me fix my roof?"

[audience laughs]

Goddamn.

That ain't sexy at all.

What, I got to get estimates
for this pussy?

I got to see contractors
for this pussy, goddamn. [laughs]

You go out with a 45, 50-year-old,
they got a house that's falling apart.

They're like,
"You know anybody with a snake?"

A snake?

You don't want my dick to ever get hard.

You go out with a 45, 50-year-old,

they always got a car
that's falling apart.

Car's a piece of shit.

They always got
the worst version of a good car.

The car got a good name,

but they got the worst version
they ever made.

Like a Mercedes 308.

What the fuck's a 308?

Four-cylinder
and you roll the window down?

Who sold you this shit?

They got a Tesla that takes gas.

You're like, "Who sold you this shit?"

What the fuck?

God, man, but the pussy good.

The pussy,
that 45, 50-year-old pussy, it's good.

That's right, it simmered longer.

It's been on the pot a little longer.

That's right, that 45, 50-year-old pussy
is like spaghetti.

It's better the next day.

It really is, really is. Whoo!

It really fucking is.

And they always got a fucked up car
then you get that good pussy.

You get that good 45, 50-year-old pussy

you think you leaving the house,
"Okay, see you later."

And then she's like,
"No, no, no, no, no. I need a favor."

"Can you come with me to the mechanic
to pick up my car?"

"I need you to come 'cause if I go alone
they're gonna take advantage."

So now you gotta go with her
to pick up her car.

You don't even know
what's wrong with the car.

But you gotta go.

And you just standing there
like some sort of sexual scarecrow.

- [chuckling]
- [man whoops]

And the mechanic's like, "That's $500,"
and you're like... [screeches]

And then the mechanic says, "Okay, $450."

And then she goes, "I only got $35."

Bitch, you fucking played me!

I just got your roof fixed.

They say women have all,
they say men have all the power.

They say men have all the power.

But we don't. We don't have all the power.

Women have the power.

- You got all the fucking power.
- [scattered applause]

That's right.

'Cause there's nothing more powerful
than female beauty.

Nothing more powerful, that's right.

A beautiful woman can stop traffic.

There is nothing about a man
that can stop traffic.

Now, that's right.

You could be a dead man on a highway
with your dick out

and they will drive around your dead ass.

There's nothing [chuckling]

more powerful than female beauty.

You call it female beauty,
you can call it pussy.

Call it whatever you want, man.

Shit, I've been working,

I've been working
since I was seven years old.

Been working for almost 50 years.

Seven years old!
I used to sweep up at a supermarket.

I've been working
since I was seven years old.

And I have made millions of dollars, okay?

And every dime I have ever made

I have spent it on pussy.

Every fucking cent!

Either pussy or pussy adjacent.

Every fucking dime.

Getting the pussy hair done,

getting the pussy taxes done,

getting the pussy's son into camp,

getting the pussy's tooth fixed,

getting the pussy's driveway done,

getting the pussy's mama
some life insurance,

getting the pussy bunion surgery.

I've paid more college loans off
than Joe Biden.

Motherfucker.

Spent all my money on pussy.

And if I had a chance to do it again
I'd spend it on pussy again.

They say men have all the advantages.
No, we don't.

That's right, man.
Women you got all the advantages.

You ever notice how you can tell
what kind of neighborhood you in?

Just by who's not working?

Think about it for one sec, you can tell
what kind of neighborhood you in

just by who's not working.

If you're in any neighborhood in America,

at 12:15 in the afternoon on a Wednesday,

and you see women with sweatpants on
coming out the gym,

pushing babies, riding bikes.

That's right, having brunch,
going to SoulCycle.

Chances are you're in a nice neighborhood.

There's probably a Whole Foods nearby.

That's right, wherever women ain't working
is an amazing place to live.

That's where I want to live.

I want to live in a place
where women are voluntarily not working.

That is where I want to live.
Now, let's switch it up.

If you're in any neighborhood in America,

at 12:15 in the afternoon on a Wednesday,

and you see men

in sweatpants,

smoking cigarettes,

hanging with their boys,

lifting weights in the yard,

riding children's bicycles,

as their actual transportation,

then you are in danger.

Wherever men don't work
is fucking dangerous, that's right.

That's right, that's right,
women have all the power, shit.

My ex-wife is the smartest woman I know.

She got just as much money as me

ain't funny at all.

- [man whoops]
- [Chris Rock laughs]

God bless her. God bless her.

Nothing more powerful
than female beauty. Nothing.

Just look at Beyoncé.

Whoo! Can't wait for that tour.

That's right, man, Beyoncé.
Now I know she talented.

She is so talented, man.
She's extremely talented.

But even with all that talent

ain't nothing more powerful
than the beauty.

Beyoncé is one of the finest motherfuckers

I have ever seen.

Beyoncé is fine, motherfucker. Shit.

Beyoncé is so fine

that if she worked at Burger King

she could still marry Jay-Z.

[chuckling] That's how fine she is.

She could still get her

a billionaire, great, rapping,
fucking businessman.

She is so fine that if she worked
at Burger King,

she could still marry Jay-Z.

Now if Jay-Z worked at Burger King...

[audience laughs]

No, no, no, women got the power.

By the way, that is not a Jay-Z diss.

I do not need another rapper
mad at me, okay?

I don't need it.

I don't need that smoke. [chuckles]

I'm, like, The Rock. The Rock.

I do not need the smoke.
Y'all know what happened to me.

Getting smacked by Suge Smith.

Everybody knows.

Everybody fucking knows.

Yes! It happened.
I got smacked like a year ago,

fucking last week, I got smacked

at the fucking Oscars
by this motherfucker.

And people like, "Did it hurt?"

It still hurts.

I got "Summertime" ringing in my ear.

Fucking drums, please.

But I'm not a victim, baby.

You will never see me
on Oprah or Gayle crying.

You will never see it.

Never gonna happen.

[whimpering] I couldn't believe it
and I love Men in Black.

[normal voice] No.

It's never gonna happen. No.

Fuck that shit. I took that hit
like Pacquiao, motherfucker.

[audience cheering]

I took it
like motherfucking Pacquiao, okay?

Shit, man.

Did it hurt?

Yeah, it motherfucking hurt.

People are all, "You guys
are fighting all the time."

We're not fighting. First of all,
I know you can't tell on camera.

Will Smith is
significantly bigger than me.

We're not the same size, okay?

We're not.

This guy mostly does movies
with his shirt off.

You've never seen me
do a movie with my shirt off.

If I'm in a movie
getting open heart surgery,

I got on a sweater.

Will Smith played Muhammad Ali in a movie.

You think I auditioned for that part?

He played Muhammad Ali.
I played Pookie in New Jack City.

[audience cheering]

Pookie, motherfucker.

I played a piece of corn in Pootie Tang.

Shit, even in animation,
this motherfucker is bigger.

I am zebra. He's a shark.

What the fuck, man?

But... But,

Will Smith practices selective outrage.

Practices selective outrage.

'Cause everybody knows
what the fuck happened.

Everybody that really knows

knows that I had nothing to do
with that shit.

I didn't have any entanglement.

[audience cheering]

I didn't.

I did not have any entanglement.

For people that don't know
what everybody knows.

Will Smith, his wife was fucking
her son's friend, okay?

Now, I normally
would not talk about this shit.

But for some reason, these niggas put
that shit on the Internet.

I have no idea why two talented people
would do something that fucking low down.

What the fuck?

We all been cheated on.

Everybody in here had been cheated on.

None of us have ever been interviewed

by the person
that cheated on us on television.

None of us.

It's like, "Hey, I was sucking
somebody else's dick."

"How did that make you feel?"

Why the fuck would you do that shit?

She hurt him way more
than he hurt me. Okay?

Okay?

And by the way, he does that shit,

everybody in the world called him a bitch.

I tried to call the motherfucker
and give him my condolences.

He ain't pick up for me.

Everybody called that man a bitch.

Fucking Charlamagne called him a bitch.

The Breakfast Club called him a bitch.

And The View and The Talk
and every rapper and the Drink Champs

called him a fucking bitch.

Everybody called him a bitch
and called his wife a predator.

Everybody called him a bitch.

Everybody!

Everybody!

And who does he hit? Me.

A nigga he know he could beat.
That is some bitch-ass shit.

[audience cheering]

That's what the fuck happened, okay?

Get the fuck out of here, man.

What the fuck?
I do nothing to this motherfucker, okay?

Whatever. Years ago, his wife
said I should quit the Oscars.

I shouldn't host.

She fucking said, "He should quit 'cause
Will didn't get nominated for Concussion."

What the fuck?

What the fuck? So then I do
some jokes about her. Who gives a fuck?

That's how it is. She started it.
I finished it. Okay?

That's what the fuck happened.

Nobody was picking on this bitch.

She started this shit.

Nobody was picking on her.

Nobody was picking on her.

She said, me, a fucking grown-ass man
should quit his job

'cause her husband
didn't get nominated for Concussion.

And then this nigga gives me
a fucking concussion, okay?

What the fuck, man?

I love Will Smith.
My whole life, I love this nigga.

I saw him opened up for Run-DMC
at the Nassau Coliseum.

These niggas made brand-new funk.

I love this nigga.
He made some great movies.

I've rooted for Will Smith my whole life.

I root for this motherfucker, okay?

And now, I watch Emancipation
just to see him get whooped.

It got me rooting for Massa, okay?

Hit him again, Massa.

Hit him again!

You missed a spot, Massa.

You missed a spot.

A lot of people go, "Chris, how come
you didn't do nothing back."

"How come you didn't do
nothing back that night?"

'Cause I got parents. That's why.

'Cause I was raised, okay?

I've got parents.

You know what my parents taught me.

Don't fight in front of white people.

[slams mic]

- [audience cheering and applauding]
- [hip-hop music playing]

[audience continue cheering]

["Nigga in Paris" playing]