All language subtitles for Can t Hardly Wait 1998

Vicky just told me about
this huge party tonight.

-No way. Where?
-Dude, there's a huge party tonight.

-Cool, we crash it?
-No, man, we're just going.

-There's a huge party.
-I heard about this party tonight.

My God, did you hear
Mike totally dumped Amanda?

I just heard Mike Dexter
and Amanda Beckett broke up.

Did you hear? Chris Moore
is totally naked under his gown.

What? That was totally my idea.

-Tell me we'll never break up.
-There's this party.

If you're not going with anyone,
I'm not going with anyone....

You're there, I'm there...

-...everybody's there.
-We're there.

If you're not going with anyone
and if I'm not going with anyone....

I've had a library book out
since the 3rd grade.

I got caught.
I'm going to community college.

-My gown smells like blue cheese.
-Shut up.

-Whose party is it?
-That girl from our French class.

-That girl in our gym class.
-The one with the thighs?

-The one with the weird knees.
-You joined the Army?

-Serve my country.
-You know they shave your head?

What?

I just saw Chris Moore ass-naked.

-I feel so sorry for Amanda.
-You are so full of crap.

If you're not going with anyone
and if I'm not going with--

-No.
-Okay.

Hey, dude, did you hear?
I'm naked under my gown.

Yeah, I heard that.

How about that party?
It's gonna be huge.

I heard that too.

Then I guess you heard
about Mike dumping Amanda?

-Wait, what'd you say?
-Where have you been, man?

Mike Dexter broke up
with Amanda Beckett.

This is so perfect.
Amanda Beckett is single.

And on the night of this party.

A party I'll be attending,
a party she'll be attending.

It's all falling into place. It's like--
It's like it's fate.

I thought we weren't even going
to this party.

Don't you wanna keep your tassel?
For $5 you can keep your tassel.

Yeah, then I can press it in between
my yearbook with my prom corsage.

-What?
-Nothing.

I mean, nice to tell me
that you've changed your plans.

You're only leaving tomorrow
but, whatever.

Denise, Amanda and I have to finish
what we started four years ago.

You know what the problem is?
It's like you're afraid to move forward.

I mean, Preston,
we are so out of here.

Why do you wanna go to this party
and look back? Don't look back.

-You should never look back.
-Dudes, I actually graduated.

-Unless you're that guy.
-Freak.

I'm all right.

Look, all I'm saying is,
Amanda and I are connected.

We have been ever since
the first day she came to school.

-Oh, God, here we go.
-It was October, freshman year.

First time in history
that I'd ever missed the bus.

If I had arrived on time,
I never would have seen her.

But as it was, I was the first person
at Huntington Hills High...

...to set eyes on Amanda Beckett.

It was her first day of school.

Then, I'm sitting in class...

...enjoying a light breakfast
when suddenly...

...out of all the classrooms in
the entire school, she walks into mine.

And where does the teacher sit her?

Right next to me.

Now, up until now,
one could write this off to coincidence.

But then...

...she reached into her bag
and pulled out a strawberry Pop-Tart.

The very same breakfast pastry
that I was consuming at that moment.

What was I to do?
How was I to proceed?

Who would like to volunteer
to give Amanda a tour of the school?

I will.

Mike Dexter.

That's where I lost her.

I had a clear shot and I hesitated.

But fate's finally given me
a second chance.

Well, have fun tonight and be sure to
tell everyone how much I'll miss them.

You're not gonna go?

-I can't believe you're not gonna go.
-Why would I go?

What else are you gonna do tonight?

-I can't believe I'm going to this party.
-I can't believe he broke up with her.

I can't believe
you broke up with her, man.

Well, it's like I always say:

-But Amanda's so hot, man.
-So hot, man.

Yeah, I guess. For a high-school girl.

Guys, we're gonna be in college soon.
You know who's gonna be in college?

-Girls that used to be in high school.
-No, man.

Women, college women.

Women with no curfew,
women on the pill, and women....

Women, bro.
We're staring into the future here.

And the future...

...is women.

-Women.
-Women.

Hey.

Maybe we should break up
with our girlfriends too.

That would be sweet. We'd have the
whole summer to hang out together.

Party, and get with
every chick in sight, man.

Without our lame-ass
girlfriends around.

-Yeah, man. They suck. They suck.
-That's what I'm saying.

-That's what I'm saying.
-You're right, Dex, man.

Beth can kiss my ass.

-Yes, baby, yes!
-Yeah!

This is brilliant, man.
This is such a good idea.

-Mike Dexter's a god.
-Mike Dexter's a role model.

Mike Dexter is an asshole.

For the past decade,
he has made a hobby of my pain.

Witness Exhibit A:
My 8th grade science project.

A working rainforest that Mike
threw out a third-floor window.

It rains here no more.

Witness Exhibit B:

An eye patch I wore for a month...

...after Mike beaned me with a raisin
in Home Ec.

My parents took me
to a 3-D film festival.

I saw no third dimension.

And of course, how can I forget
the pudding incident?

I know no one else has.

Well, gentlemen, tonight
Mike Dexter will know humiliation.

Tonight, Mike Dexter
will know ridicule.

Tonight is the night we fight back.

Tonight is our independence night.

Hello? Get this off your head.
You're acting like a....

Look, maybe we should
go over the plan again.

All right, we will set up
behind the poolhouse. Right there.

This is me.

You are Grand Moff Tarkin
and you are Boba Fett.

-How come he gets to be Boba Fett?
-Really, it doesn't matter.

Fine, you're Boba Fett,
you're Grand Moff Tarkin.

I don't wanna be Grand Moff Tarkin.

You know what?
Fine, you're both Kiss dolls.

You set up here.

Now, I will lead Mike and
one of his random jock friends...

...behind the poolhouse to here and
here, where you two will be waiting.

You then jump down on them...

...rendering them unconscious with
the chloroform we mixed in Chem Lab.

Then we strip off
said jock's clothes...

...and take Polaroids of them
in a lurid, naked embrace.

Do you think there'll be
any girls there?

Are you kidding? People
may even be having sex.

Cool.

Yo, I gotta have sex tonight.

I mean, peep this. It say here
92 percent of honeys at UCLA...

...are sexually active. Ninety-two
percent of women in L.A. at UCLA...

...are walking around going,
"Class or sex? What shall I do?"

Ninety-two percent, yo.
You know what that means, don't you?

That means I got a 92-percent chance
of embarrassing myself.

I roll up on that shorty like,
"What's up, yo?"

She be like, "You don't know 20 ways
to make me call you Big Poppa."

-Because I don't, yo.
-Rest in peace.

Hey, what's up, man?

-Who'll be the lucky honey?
-I ain't decided yet.

I figure, all the bitches in the class
gonna be at this party.

I gots to give them all
an equal opportunity to Special K.

It took me all day but I narrowed it
down to a list of 10 very lucky finalists.

-Well, what's up, man?
-You wanna see?

-Yeah.
-Check this out.

Observe.

The love kit.

-Damn, man. Our boy is a fag, yo.
-Who's a fag?

Yo, both of y'all.

That is a "fragrance of love"
scented candle, bitch. Damn.

You think you're gonna hit this party
packing a pleasure chest...

-...and some girl just gonna give it up?
-Watch me, G.

-Wait.
-What?

I have the letter.

-You're not gonna give her the letter.
-Why wouldn't I give her the letter?

Because you haven't had the chance
to revise it for the 4 billionth time.

All great writers revise. What--?

"Dear Amanda:

Now that you're finally single, I can
finally give you this sappy love letter...

...that I never had the guts to give you
during all four years of high school."

-Listen to this.
-What?

-This is Barry Manilow.
-Yeah, I know.

Why do we have a radio station on
that plays Barry Manilow?

Just listen to the words, Denise.

Amanda. Mandy, Aman--
"Mandy" is short for Amanda.

That's it, that's my sign.

Preston...

...I hate to interrupt this alternate
universe you've wandered into here...

...but, like, I heard that song's
about his dog.

It's not about a dog.
It's about a woman named Amanda.

Who the hell names their dog
Amanda?

My cousin named her dog
Samantha.

Look, shut up about the dog, okay?

That's my sign.

That is totally my sign.

Consider me ready.

Hi. Oh, my God, you guys, come on in.
Don't let the dog out.

Susan, you look so cute.
The drinks are in the back, okay?

Oh, Preston, I'm so glad you came.

And you brought a friend. Hi.

No, it's okay. Just come on in.
Just, you know, drink and be happy.

Preston Meyers, not one step further
until you sign my yearbook.

I'm gonna be the first Huntington Hills
student to get all 522 seniors to sign.

My, how ambitious of you.

Don't think you're
getting away without signing.

I saved a special space for you
to sign in the back.

Why didn't you get
your senior portrait taken?

Specifically to avoid
moments like this one, actually.

Thanks, you two. Go, Huntington!

Hey, guys, wait up.
I almost fell out of my dress.

-Let's go, boys. Time is honey.
-Oh, yeah.

Cool, a key party, bro.
We don't drive home drunk.

You look so pretty. Christie, Jessica,
thank you for coming.

-Kenny. Come on in.
-What's up?

Hi. Wait, you guys.

No one can go
in the fancy room, okay?

Seriously, my parents
are coming home on Sunday.

-Kenny Fisher, sign my yearbook.
-No thanks. No time.

Come on. Where's your school spirit?
Go, Hot Dogs!

-Bitch, get a life.
-Oh, yeah.

We got mad talent up in this mother.

Yo. Shorties gonna be lining up
to get with me.

Yo, check it. Time to get busy.

You think he's gonna
hizzit the skizzins?

Yo, man,
that boy ain't got no skills, man.

Watch out, guys. All right?
Coming through here.

Yo, white boy.
You'd better check yourself, man.

This is our first show ever.
Don't screw it up.

Look, dude, I heard Carol Brauner
invited her cousin tonight.

The word is, his brother's roommate
knows a guy who knows a scout in L.A.

-Shut up.
-Yeah.

Thank God we got
these T-shirts printed, huh?

Check them out.

Okay, we are gonna rendezvous here
at 0030 hours, all right?

Wait, William, there's gonna be
drinking in there.

-Yeah, so?
-Well, so, what are you gonna do?

They're gonna kick you out
if you don't drink.

Well, I will be drinking.

-But, William, you could get drunk.
-You could get addicted.

No, no, no. It's okay, look.

I downloaded this little baby
off the Net.

I will know exactly how many spirits
I may imbibe...

...without affecting my judgment
or my behavior.

Wow, you've got
every angle covered.

You know, William, from this light...

...you somewhat resemble
David Duchovny.

William, trust no one.

"I am a sex machine."

-"Sex machine."
-Steve, make him say something else.

Okay, okay.
"Would you like to touch my penis?"

"Would you like to touch my--?"

Huntington Hills High, kiss my ass!

Mike, you have to sign my yearbook.

Which team has the winning play?
Huntington, Huntington, hey, hey, hey

There they are.

Come on.

I missed you so much.

Hi. I haven't seen my boyfriend
in six hours.

How you doing, girls?

Dudes, remember the game plan.

What game plan?

Right, exactly.

Look, Beth, we need to talk.

In fact, we all need to talk.
Right, guys?

Oh, my God.
I can't believe she came.

Guys?

Hey, you guys. There's Amanda.

There she is.

I think you made
a real connection there.

Oh, hey, guys.

-Hi.
-How are you?

Are you okay?

Mike.

-And now look what you've done.
-Maybe we should go talk to her.

-Totally. She looks destroyed.
-Suicidal.

All right.

Looks like someone's
auditioning for Soul Train.

-Do you have to rag on everybody?
-Oh, come on.

His wardrobe alone
leaves him open for public mockery.

I'm not the one that used to
spend the night at his house.

That was 4th grade. Wanna talk
about your friends in the 4th grade?

-Did you see her? Where'd she go?
-She's right there.

-God.
-What? She didn't see me.

-I can't believe you pointed at her.
-She didn't see me.

-Are you hyperventilating?
-No, I'm centering myself.

-I'm harnessing my chi.
-What?

I'm harnessing my chi.
Don't laugh at me.

Were you weird
when we went out?

Were you bitchy when we went out?
I'm trying to think.

Yeah, I was a bitchy 8th grader
for that whole week, actually.

-What's up?
-Hey.

I'm gonna do this.
I'm gonna go do it right now.

Are you gonna be okay?

Yeah, I'll get a ride home
from somebody else.

-You sure?
-Yeah.

-Okay.
-Go.

Seriously, guys. I'm over it. Really.

What?

Nothing. Sorry.

It's just, well, he is
the most dope guy in school.

Yeah, and school's over.

Anyway, I mean,
who does he think he is? Brad Pitt?

Seriously, and you're like Gwyneth.

Seriously, you know
he regrets breaking up with her.

That's really sweet,
but I think I'm gonna--

-No, we mean it. You are so Gwyneth.
-Totally Gwyneth, but prettier.

Totally prettier,
but with bigger boobs.

-Totally bigger boobs.
-Way bigger.

You know what? I think I'm gonna
go outside and get some fresh air.

But he's no Brad.

He's not even Brad
in Twelve Monkeys...

...when he had that weird eye
and he was all dirty.

Mike Dexter doesn't even deserve
to breathe the same air as Brad.

-No, he doesn't.
-Mike Dexter is an asshole.

-An asshole!
-Asshole!

-Asshole.
-Asshole.

You know what?
I don't really wanna talk about this.

Okay, I don't think
she's prettier than Gwyneth.

Not even.

All right, this is it. It is finally time
for Kenny Fisher to become the man.

I've done my laps, and all 10 finalists
are present and accounted for.

Ten lovely ladies, yo.
Each one at my disposal.

Ten willing-and-able tour guides
into the theme park of love.

But who will it be? Which of you
gorgeous 10 will be the lucky one?

Hey, yo. Corinne, baby, what's up?

Nine. Which of you gorgeous nine
will be the lucky one?

Excuse me. Sorry, my fault.
My fault, sorry.

Excuse me. Is this the beer?

What the hell does it look like,
ass-wipe?

Yeah. Sorry.

-Do you want one?
-Yes, of course.

It's terrible! Nobody drink the beer.

The beer has gone bad.

-It tastes like beer to me.
-Yeah, me too.

Mine's great.

-Yo, Ashley. Damn, you look beautiful.
-Thanks.

Check this, I was reminiscing today,
right?

I was thinking about that time
in 7th grade...

...we was all playing Spin the Bottle
at Lynn's house. Remember?

-I guess.
-Yeah.

You and me,
we never did get that kiss, right?

But I had this mad flashback
and you were staring at me all night...

...kind of giggling with your girlfriends.
You remember that?

Oh, I do remember that.
You were eating Cheetos.

And that orange stuff
was all stuck in your braces...

...and nobody wanted to tell you.
So you just kept on eating them.

Oh, my, God. Lynn and I
thought that was the funniest thing.

-Lynn! Come over here.
-What?

Oh, my God. I'm telling little Kenny how
we used to call him Chester Cheetah.

-What are you laughing at?
-Cheetah.

-Bye, Chester.
-Goodbye, Chester.

-Use me for my body, baby.
-Come on, baby. Give me some love.

What's up, ladies?

Yo, Jana, you wanna dance?

I'm allergic.

Allergic?

-To dancing?
-Yeah.

-Hey, I want you to have this.
-Oh, thank you.

I heard that Mike broke up
with her a year ago...

...and she's been paying him 50 bucks
a month to act like they're still together.

-Pathetic.
-It's so pathetic.

Yo, Preston? Preston Meyers, dude.
What's going on, man?

I am so glad I got a chance to see you.
I know you're leaving tomorrow.

-I'm gonna miss you, man.
-It's okay, man. Don't worry about it.

I was totally remembering that time
in the 7th grade...

...and when we mashed all our food
on our lunch trays...

...and you paid me a dollar to eat it.
And I did. That was the best!

-Yeah, good times.
-Hey, how you been?

And what about that time
during softball practice...

...when Ricky hit that line drive
and it hit you right in your nuts.

That was the funniest, man. I mean,
I just don't know what to say about it.

Okay. You remember the time
on the field trip when we went...

...to the meat-packing plant and
you threw up all in your book bag?

-That-- That wasn't me.
-Bull corn, remember?

You tried to leave the bag on the bus
so no one would see it.

Then Vice Principal Billard took it
to all the classes to see whose it was.

And I was like, "Wasn't that
your bag?" And you were like, "No."

And I was like, "I think it is, dude."
Then I said....

-Amanda, hey.
-Hi, Ron.

Hi. Are you okay?
I just heard you and Mike broke up.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

I just-- I can't believe
you didn't tell me.

I mean, you know,
after all, we're family.

Second cousins.

Well, you know, exactly.
We should be able to talk--

"You're never gonna get
that smell out of there."

-Remember?
-Hey, I got one for you.

Remember that time when I was about
to talk to that beautiful girl...

...and you started telling me all these
asinine stories? Remember that?

-No.
-Gee, that's funny.

Because it just happened!

You know, I'm never gonna forget this.
See if I contact you for the reunion.

Man, it's all about the memories, man.
All about the memories.

Hey, who wants to go
into the hot tub with us?

-Hey, yo, what's up?
-What's up? What's up?

Shouldn't you be getting
your freak on by now, man?

I'm just flossing while those two ho's
over there scratch it out...

...over who gets to knock the boots
with me, you know what I'm saying?

-What two ho's, man?
-I don't see no ho's, Kenny.

-Yo, is you calling me a liar?
-Why you shoving, cracker?

You'd better recognize, fool.

Why y'all gotta waste my flavor?
Damn!

Dude, can I talk to you for a second?

-Hey. Hey, Mike, what's up, man?
-What's going on? Did you do it?

-Come on.
-Mike, look, man. I don't know, man.

You see, Rachel's
parents are away, right?

She was kind of thinking that maybe
we can spend the night, you know?

What about the game plan, man?
You promised.

See, it's just that Rachel's parents...

...they have mirrors above the bed.

I'm gonna be like this, look.

All right, all right. I get the picture.
You know what?

I'm gonna go see
what the other guys are doing.

-Maybe they got some balls.
-Oh, Mike. Mi--

-Hey.
-Hey.

Weren't you in my Language Lab?

Yeah. Yeah, I was.

See, I told you guys
she went to our school. Pay up.

Anybody order a LoveBürger?
Well-done.

-One, two-- Whoa, what is that?
-It's one of our shirts, man.

I'm wearing it for publicity.

You don't wear the shirt
of the band you're in.

-I think it's cool. Throw me one.
-No, no. Don't throw him one.

Hey, if they get to wear the shirts,
maybe I should wear the hat.

You guys suck.

-What the hell is that?
-A hat.

-Put the music back on.
-Take off the hat.

-Take off the hat.
-No.

-Take if off. Take if off.
-No. No.

-You want me to take it off?
-No.

-Why don't you take the hat off?
-No.

You come in here looking like the
white Artist Formerly Known As Prince.

-Listen here, Hootie.
-"Hootie"? You look like Lestat.

Oh, my God! You guys, this is why
I said no smoking in the house.

Is that poop?

Does someone
have poop on their shoe?

Oh, my God.

Does someone have poop
on their shoe on my floor?

And then I heard
that he slept with some sophomore.

That pig!
Well, what are you gonna do?

Beat him at his own game.

I am going to hook up with someone
at this party...

...and hope that Jason finds out.

-Wait, with who?
-Who cares?

The next guy who hits on me.
No, hell, the next guy who talks to me.

Wipeout.

I must have died
and gone to heaven.

Because I see an angel
sitting right in front of me.

Are you crying?
Oh, no, baby, please.

You are far too fine to look so sad.

-Yeah, sure.
-Come on, don't be like that.

It breaks my heart
to see you this way.

You tell Special K what he can do
to make you feel better.

Come to the poolhouse with me?

Of course, I will.
Anything for you, baby.

Could--? Could you just--?
Just wait right here one--

I'll be right back, I promise.

He'll do.

All right, bathroom, pee,
underarm check, Breathe Asure.

Yo, hold up. Do I put on the jimmy hat
now and--? No, that ain't gonna work.

Damn.

Damn!

Yo, they're out of toilet paper.

Wait, wait, Jen. Wait for us.

-Oh, do you believe that?
-Oh, wait. Don't lock it.

-Let's go pee in the pool.
-All right.

What the hell is this?

Is there another bathroom upstairs?
The line is really long. I gotta go.

No one's allowed upstairs, okay?
Who did this?!

I think I saw that exchange student...

...walking around
with a black Magic Marker.

-That little foreign dick.
-Yeah.

Okay, okay, you can go upstairs.

-But just you. Okay? Okay.
-All right.

And don't close the door all the way,
okay, because it's sort of broken.

Damn, you're the man, Kenny.

Here we go.

Yo, this ain't gonna--

Yeah, I could do--

Damn, she's gonna think I got
that premature evacuation. Damn.

Damn!

Dude...

...these brownies suck.

I don't wanna waste this.

I'd better double-bag it.
I don't know where that girl been.

Shut that door!

-No, I mean, get out!
-Yeah, I'm trying to.

-Get out!
-I can't.

Move, woman!

-No!
-No!

Look what I got now. I got the--

Look, I am telling you,
that patch of sky right over there...

...above those power lines, is like
a superhighway of UFO activity.

I wonder how William's doing
at the party.

I hope he isn't having any trouble
blending in.

Isn't there something
I was supposed to do tonight?

Go, go, go!

I can't feel my legs.

I have no legs!

Can I talk to you for a second, man?

Well, did you do it, or what?

Man, we will. I promise.

But her dad got us all tickets
to see Pearl Jam.

So we're gonna do it
after the concert.

I thought Beth can kiss your ass.
Come on.

Mike, sometimes we say things
we don't mean.

Well, when's the concert?

-August.
-August?

You guys suck.

-But they're really good seats.
-We're gonna deal with it eventually.

If you ask me, I never really saw
you two together in the first place.

Yeah. Yeah, you and me both.

-What?
-Well...

...I mean, I know why
I started dating him.

I just don't know why
I did it for so long.

It's just-- God, at first
it was all so unbelievable.

I mean,
at my old junior high school...

...I was always just
this little, well, nobody.

And then I came to Huntington
freshman year...

...and Mike Dexter
wanted to date me.

And all of a sudden,
I was like Little Miss Popular.

I know it sounds lame but...

...it felt good.

It was the first time
I'd ever felt cool in my whole life.

Please, it was the first time
I'd ever had a boyfriend.

I don't-- I don't understand.
I mean, what--? What happened?

Nothing. Nothing.
See, that's the problem.

Because Mike is the same guy now
that he was then.

You know? Mooning the guy
at the drive-through window.

Giving the underclassmen wedgies.

Yeah, I've heard he does that.

So why didn't you just,
you know, break up with him?

Because I was...

...scared of being alone.

Mike and I went out for, like,
four years. That's, like, forever.

And if I'm not Mike's girlfriend,
you know, who am I?

Nobody knows me as anything else.

I don't think I know me
as anything else.

Look, I don't know about you...

...but I really believe...

...that there's one person out there
for everybody.

That's what this is about.

It's not just some sappy love letter...

...telling her how my heart stops
every time that I see her.

It's in there, but....

It's not just to tell her how I think she's
more than the homecoming queen...

...or Mike's girlfriend.

How there's this really
amazing person inside of her...

...that no one even bothers to see.

It's in there too, but....

What it's really about...

...is how she should
just give me a chance.

Just one chance.

Maybe we could find out
if there's a reason for all of this.

Why she's not with Mike tonight...

...and after four years,
I'm still here with this letter.

Maybe we could find out
what that reason is.

You know? It's time to find out.

I think I'm ready to do this.

Finally.

Any words of encouragement?

Would you like to touch my penis?

I am a sex machine. Sex machine.

No one can hear us.

-Are you satisfied?
-Woman, this is all your fault.

Barging in here
like a freaking moose, all:

Well, if I'd known you were gonna be in
here half-naked, pleasuring yourself...

...or whatever, you know, I definitely
would have gone elsewhere.

-I was getting my shit ready.
-Your "shit"?

Yeah. For your information there is
a super-mad honey downstairs...

...just wait--
She is dying to have sex with me.

Oh, Jason, I never should have
believed those rumors.

-Let's never fight again.
-Never, baby.

-Hey, Carl.
-Hey, Preston. What's up?

-How are you?
-All right.

-Have you seen Amanda Beckett?
-Yeah, I just saw her in there.

Did you hear that Mike Dexter
broke up with her?

I'm thinking about asking her out, boy.
It's time to get freaky!

Thanks for listening.

God, I got to be prom queen and now
I want people to feel sorry for me too?

-I should just shut up.
-No, no.

It's okay. I mean, you know,
you need someone to listen.

Thanks.

Amanda, I feel
really close to you now.

-What are you doing?
-I care about you.

-Oh, will you get off?
-Come on. It's okay, baby.

That is disgusting.

Come on, you were practically
begging me for it.

That is not what I was saying
and you're my cousin.

-Through marriage.
-Whatever, you're sick.

Shit. Oh, God. Amanda, you're not
gonna tell my parents, are you?

-You see the salt on this pretzel?
-Yes.

Look at the stars.

Now, some people,
they say the stars...

...are billions of billions
and tons of hot gas.

But I think, maybe....
Maybe it's just God's salt.

And God's just waiting to eat us.

-Have I got some news for you.
-Really? What's that?

That I recently became single.

And?

Well, I just remember
Jeff Gurner saying a little something...

...about you girls thinking
I was the hottest senior in school.

Yeah.

And I remember Jeff Gurner saying
that you told him we were skanky.

He told you that?

Okay, see you later.

Hey, isn't this the weekend...

...that you're supposed to meet
your girlfriend from the Internet?

Yeah, but she has some photo shoot
in Fiji for a catalog or something.

-Oh, man. That sucks.
-Yeah.

I guess that's just the price you pay
for dating Christy Turlington.

This song goes out to Hope
from her boyfriend Ken.

It's about love.

I can't believe somebody threw it out.

You don't throw away a yearbook!

-You're supposed to cherish it forever.
-Shut up.

Oh, thank God. Look at you.

Trisha, sign my yearbook.

-I stepped in gum.
-Come on, we're already late.

Yuck.

Watch out. Coming through.

Cuts to the left,
decks the crap out of the wing...

...and, boom, open net, scores!

Does that feel good?

Damn, woman. Why you gotta be
such a raging bitch?

Oh, please. Listen to you.
Look, there's a mirror right there.

Why don't you take a look, okay?
You're white.

What's that supposed to mean?

-I don't always talk like that.
-Oh, I guess you're okay, then.

What about you, huh?
What about you, Miss Antisocial?

Miss "I Think I'm So Much Better
Than Everybody Else."

I do not think
I am better than anybody.

Anyway, what do you care
what I think about you?

You pretty much haven't
spoken to me since 6th grade.

-Hey, you stopped speaking to me.
-Okay, whatever.

Damn, you got no id--

You have...

...no idea what you're talking about.

You don't even know me anymore.

Yes, I do.
I know exactly who you are.

You're Kenny Fisher,
who used to play--

We used to play Miami Vice
in my basement.

You used to sleep at my house,
you had to leave the hall light on.

You're Kenny Fisher who used to
buy me a card every Valentine's Day.

And a bag of those little hearts
with the words on them.

You're Kenny Fisher who got
too cool to hang out with me...

...when we hit junior high
because I was in all the smart classes.

And because my parents
didn't make a lot of money...

...and you desperately needed to sit
at the trendy table in the cafeteria.

What the hell happened?

She's not supposed to be
with somebody else.

She's supposed to be with me.

I mean, there was even that song
on the radio.

Wasn't that a sign?

Unless Denise was right.
Maybe that song was about a dog.

What was I supposed to do, then?
Go out and buy a dog?

No, no. It had to be a sign.

It's not like you hear "Mandy"
on the radio every day.

I haven't heard that song
in, like, 10 years.

And since today
is Barry Manilow's birthday...

...we'll be playing "Mandy" every hour
on the hour, here at Mellow 103.

Thank you very, very much.

And as a special treat for you,
we'll have the Manilow himself...

...to answer your questions
live on the phone...

...from his sold-out concert in Tokyo.

So if you've got a question
for the man who writes the songs...

...get to the phone and call in now.

Excuse me.

Are you gonna be long?
I just need to make one call.

-There's two other phones.
-Yeah, they're broken.

-I just put my money in.
-It's sort of an emergency.

Look, it won't take long.

My car broke down.
I just need to call...

-Wait.
-...a cab.

-Hello? Yeah, Mellow 103?
-Mellow 103. You're on the air.

Finally. Listen, I have a really important
question for Barry Manilow.

In that song "Mandy," was--?
Hello? Hello?

Why did you do that?

Wait a second. Lady, I was--

I was talking to somebody.

-No. You don't just hang up.
-Hello.

-Rapid Cabs.
-Hi, I need a cab, please.

-I'm at Johnie's, on the boulevard.
-What are you wearing?

-I'm an angel.
-I had some--

Okay, I'm done now.

You don't just hang up
on somebody's call like that.

I think my emergency was just
a little bit larger than yours, junior.

How the hell do you know?
You have no idea how long....

This is great. This is just great.

This is officially the worst night of
my entire life. Thank you very much.

Try having 40 drunk men
grabbing your ass...

...one groom-to-be
throwing up all over you...

...and then have
your car break down at 2 a.m.

And then you can talk to me
about having a bad night, okay?

-You're a stripper?
-I'm a dancer.

An angel stripper.

Oh, I'm the weirdo?

You're the one calling Barry Manilow
from a phone booth at 2 a.m.

You're right.

I'm a total loser.

No, wait. I'm sorry--

Great. Like I could feel any worse.

That's the most disgusting thing
I've ever seen.

What is wrong with you people?

Hi.

Do you know
who Preston Meyers is?

He only sat right next to you
in Freshman English.

But I guess
you wouldn't remember that.

I mean, why would Amanda Beckett
pay any attention...

...to a unique spirit like Preston.

Or even a unique spirit like me,
for instance.

Maybe it's because
she's just a little too busy...

...ordering around her
little conformist flock of sheep.

Sheep!

You are all sheep.

No!

Hey, Luke doesn't push Vader.

Well, he should of.
I mean, the guy cut his hand off.

Those were our only flashlights.

Oh, yeah.

Jeez.

-It's kind of dark up here.
-Yeah.

You know what?

This is just like that Scott Baio thing.

When I was 16, I had
the biggest thing for Scott Baio.

Listen, you don't have to sit here
and go through....

-Scott Baio?
-I said I was 16.

I mean, this went back to
the Happy Days years, you know?

Not to mention
Joanie Loves Chachi.

God, I hated her, Joanie.

You see, I always knew
that somehow I'd meet him.

You know? Like if I wanted it
bad enough, I could make it happen.

And it did.

Right after his first season of
Charles in Charge...

...he was doing this mall tour,
and he came here to our mall.

It was like everything was finally falling
into place, you know? Like it was....

-Fate.
-Yeah.

So I went, you know.

And I had this red bandanna.

Because you know how Chachi
always wore that red bandanna?

And I waited there outside.

And I was the first person
when he pulled up.

He got out of that car--

He was so beautiful.
And he looked right at me.

And I didn't know what to do.

I mean, I couldn't say anything,
I couldn't even move.

I never even talked to him
and he was right there.

I think I still have that red bandanna.

But the thing is, you never know,
you know?

Like, had I at least
maybe said something...

...you never know.

But anyway, the point is
I totally realized, you know?

Fate. There is fate.

But it only takes you so far...

...because once you're there,
it's up to you to make it happen.

-You are so definitely right.
-I know.

So, look, don't you make
the same mistake I did, okay?

Because if you really wanna
be with him...

...then you get back on that phone
and you call Barry Manilow...

...and you tell him how you feel.

No. Oh, no.
I didn't want him, I was--

It's okay. I don't think it's weird.

I mean, come on. Scott Baio.

We all have our things.

You are a no-talent,
posturing little Smurf.

Really? That's not what your
girlfriend said last night in your van.

You guys are such amateurs, okay?

I quit. All right.

Way to go. Why didn't you
just take off that T-shirt?

-Me?
-You.

We were fine until you pulled out
that stupid hat.

This hat is not stupid.
This hat is cool.

-Way to go, man.
-What the hell did I do?

-You suck.
-Get out of here.

I'll be the band, dudes.

Hey, I know this song.
I know this song.

I know this song. A guy I tutored
in math used to make me listen to it.

Wild Bill, rock 'n' roll!

-He is so cute.
-I know.

-Hey.
-Oh, my God!

Bill! Sign my yearbook.

Hey! Hey!

You know what?

My retainer kind of looks like
a Klingon warship.

Fire photons.

This is the greatest night
of my life.

Yeah! Yeah!

Bill! Bill! Bill!

-Get up.
-What?

-I gotta pee.
-You are not peeing in here.

-It's a bathroom!
-Yeah, I'm aware of that by now.

Are you gonna move or not?
Because I'm gonna go.

God, you are disgusting.

I cannot listen to this.

So, what, were you just, like,
saving up all that stuff to tell me?

Do you really wanna talk about this
while you're doing that?

I mean, jeez, if it had been
on your mind the last six years...

...you'd think you might have
mentioned something.

When? When you were
ignoring me in the halls?

When you were writing
"Denise Fleming's a tampon"...

...on my locker freshmen year?

I did not write
"Denise Fleming is a tampon."

Yeah, just like you didn't destroy
my Cabbage Patch Kid in 2nd grade?

Second grade?

-Besides, I admitted that right away.
-No, you didn't.

When I picked her up, her head
fell off and you started to cry.

-It kind of tipped me off.
-I did not cry...

...much.

Fine, I told John to write
"Denise Fleming is a tampon."

I swear, I felt really bad afterwards.

It's all right. I told...

...Diana Yellin
that you were a dendrophiliac.

What is that?

It's someone who has sex with trees.

That's not funny.

No way. He asked me
to hold his laser pointer.

Now, ladies, ladies, please.

Both of you can hold
my laser pointer anytime.

Come on.

Did those two girls just go in the
make-out room with William Lichter?

-Yeah.
-They're so lucky.

Hey, man. You want a beer?

-Trip McNeely.
-Trip McNeely.

No way, man.

-Trip McNeely.
-Trip McNeely.

Jeez.

You were a sexual icon.

You know, girls at Huntington
still talk about you.

Really?

Which ones?

You must be racking up at college.
College.

I wish, bro.
I can't even get digits as a freshman.

Shut up. Come on, you can tell me.

Seriously, man. I thought college
was gonna be a 24/7 orgy.

Hell, that's even why
I broke up with Janine before I left.

So, what happened?

College chicks
are totally different, bro.

They're all serious and shit.

They all talk about world issues
and economological crap.

They all wanna date older guys.

Yeah, but...

-...not all of them, right?
-The way it goes.

Hell, I even tried
crawling back to Janine.

She was all cozy with some senior.
He's a premed.

They all are.

Guys like us,
we are a dime a dozen.

Speaking of which,
are you still with that Amanda chick?

She was a prize piece
if I ever saw one.

Yeah. Me and Amanda. Definitely.

-Yup.
-You're lucky, bro.

-I sure am.
-Stay with her.

It's the best advice I can give you.

Oh, that and bring
rubber flip-flops to the shower.

I got warts all over my feet.

Take it easy, Trip.

Trip McNeely. All right.

Amanda?

-Have you seen Amanda Beckett?
-No.

Preston? I don't know.

Well, his hair is kind of--
I don't know.

-Brown.
-No, it's not really brown.

-Oh, he's tall.
-Yeah.

He's kind of-- Kind of tall.
Sort of tall.

And he's, like,
always wearing, like, T-shirts.

Yeah. Yeah.

Sometimes.

-So he's sort of tall.
-Kind of.

-With hair.
-Yeah.

And he wears T-shirts sometimes.

-Yeah.
-Yes.

-That's it?
-Yes.

Well, I mean, he's Preston.
He's Preston, you know?

Preston. I like that guy.

-Preston.
-Preston.

You know who else I like
who never got much play?

Is Velma from Scooby-Doo.
She-- Right. She was also a cool--

-She was a hip, hip lady.
-A hip chick.

Watch it. Hey!

Amanda. Amanda.

Amanda.

Oh, God. Mike, get off.

What? Can't I hug my girl if I want?

I am not your girl and
you're obviously drunk, so....

No. No, no, wait, wait, wait.

-We need to talk.
-About what?

-Us.
-There is no "us."

No, but there is, see.
Because...

...I've been thinking.
Doing a lot of thinking. And I think....

I think....

I think we should get back together.

Why?

-What?
-Why?

Give me one good reason why--
No, you know what? Screw that.

-No, Mike. My answer is no.
-"No"?

You mean you don't want me
to take you back?

Because I'm-- I'm serious about this.
You should really think about this.

Think about what, Mike?

That you're a childish,
self-centered asshole?

-Oh, my God.
-Okay.

Mike, take me back? Please.

Look, you're drunk, okay?
And we're over.

So why don't you just walk away now
and save yourself the embarrassment?

Oh, yeah? Yeah, well,
you're the one, "Aman-duh"...

-...who's gonna be embarrassed.
-Stop it.

Who's gonna want you now?

Somebody.

"Somebody."

More like nobody.

Gosh, Mike, you really got me there.

Fag!

Shut up!

Yes!

I'll kick everyone's ass in this room!

Amanda.

Now that Mike is completely
out of the picture...

...I was thinking maybe you'd like
to come to my van...

...and I could turn that frown
upside down.

Amanda, hey,
I just saw what happened and I....

Oh, God, you're a hottie.
Hey, can I see you naked?

Hey, Amanda, remember that time
you danced with me at the soph hop?

I never told you, but I had
the hugest boner and I thought...

-Oh, my God.
-...maybe we could work things out.

Let me get you out of that skirt, baby.
You look good.

Hey, Amanda,
do you want some watermelon?

Amanda.

Amanda, I love you.

Listen, I know that must sound really
strange, but I've always-- Excuse me.

I've always felt that there was this
unspoken connection between us.

Ever since the first time I saw you when
you were holding my favorite Pop-Tart.

And the truth is, I'm leaving tomorrow
and if we could go someplace--

Oh, you know what? That is enough.

That is enough.

God, I haven't even been single
for, like, five minutes...

...and already-- Already you think that
I am just gonna strip off my clothes...

...and do you right here because--
I don't know.

I don't know, you imagine that
we shared some intimate moment...

...that you have probably been
drooling over for the past four years.

God, you know, how sick
and deluded are you?

You know what?

Why don't you just go off and get
yourself a goddamn life, asshole?

Thanks, man. That was
the funniest thing I've seen all night.

Oh, man. I hope the guys are okay.

-Don't stick that probe there!
-Daddy.

Mike. Hey, buddy, hey.

Mike, you have to come outside
with me, man. Because we are go--

There is....

Oh, there's this chick out there.
There's two chicks out there.

They're triplets, man. You're not
gonna believe what they're doing.

Not because I made it up or anything
but because it is so unbelievable, man.

Come out to the poolhouse with me.

Because they told me that they want
you to-- To watch them, right?

They want you to watch them, so we're
gonna-- Let's go out to the poolhouse.

Come on. Come on.

Come on.

I'm a loser.

I broke up
with the hottest girl in school.

My friends all sold me out...

...and someone in there
called me a fag.

Why?

Mike?

-You loved the New Kids.
-Oh, the acid-washed jeans.

Yeah, with the built-in rips.
You had--

You were a fashion victim
from the womb.

Thank you, thank you.
I've gotten better since then.

Yeah, if you need to fit
a family of five in your pants.

Shut up. These are cool.

All right. But the goggles....

Everybody's wearing these.

All right.

-Okay. Okay, my turn.
-What?

-The shoes.
-What is wrong with my shoes?

-Those shoes.
-What? What?

Do they serve
an orthopedic function?

No. Fine.

-What about your shoes?
-What's wrong with them?

Is there a mission to the moon later?

Yeah.

-Your feet smell.
-Shut up, they do not.

I'm the king of beer.

Amanda.
You still didn't sign my yearbook.

Actually, I'm trying to get everyone
to sign by their own picture.

Oh, my God.

Oh, shit.

What is wrong with everybody?

These are memories
frozen in time, people!

Who needs her? Who needs her?

You know--? You know what they say
about women and trolley cars, right?

There's plenty of them in the sea.
Am I right, or am I right?

You are correct.

You're 110 percent right.

-Let me ask you something. Wait, no.
-What?

You remember the time that you had
to make that really stupid speech...

...and I kind of sort of tripped you and
everybody started laughing at you?

Okay, yeah, yeah.

I'm sorry.

Oh, man, hey.
Don't worry about it, man. Hey.

It's ancient history, right?
It's ancient history.

-It's ancient history.
-To ancient history.

-When was that anyway?
-That was this morning at graduation.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, you think I could I get a shirt?

You know, for nostalgia.

Here.

Hey, guys, what would you think
about a reunion?

Nothing big.
A few new songs, mostly old stuff.

I could be into that.

Sure, why not?

-I love you, man.
-I love you.

-How's my boys?
-What's up with my niggas, man?

-Cold floor, cold floor.
-I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

That's okay.

Have you ever done this before?

Yeah, yeah.

No. Why, have you?

Yeah. Once. It was this guy--

I don't wanna know.

You're right. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

-Are they gone?
-I think so, yeah.

I think they're gone, man.

But if they were still here,
I'd break them off like Kato.

-Yo, po-po.
-It's the cops.

Man, let's bail.

-This is it. I knew we could do it.
-One, two, three--

Everybody freeze!

Oh, my God!

Hey!

The cops!

No, the cops!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Bill. Bill, you never signed
my yearbook.

Hey!

Come on, we can hide
in the poolhouse, Willy.

What the--?

-Viva la poolhouse, right?
-Come on.

The poolhouse.
The poolhouse. Mike!

Back here, Billy.

Mike, wait.

It worked.
All right, take off their clothes.

Get the Polaroid.

Look at you,
Mr. "I'm a Big Football Jock."

How do you like me now,
buddy, huh?

Look, my flashlight.

Oh, no. It's William.

Oh, God. Let's get out of here.

Jesus cribs.

Let's load these sickos
into the wagon.

Well....

So....

You know...

...it gets better.

-What?
-Well...

...next time, you know...

...you won't be--
It can go for longer.

No, that's not what I meant.
I meant--

I meant that since
we'd never done it before...

...together, that....

Yeah? How do you know
it wasn't your fault?

-I-- I--
-I mean, you said yourself...

...you'd only done it, what,
like one time before.

I mean, what, does that make you
some kind of expert?

I never said I was an expert.

I mean, because my shit could have
been slamming with somebody else.

What?

Look, baby.

I mean, it ain't your fault
you lack the flavor.

You asshole.

-Who the hell is in here?
-Don't you even knock?

I don't have to knock.
This is my house!

Yeah, you should fix that door.

-Denise.
-Don't touch me. You make me sick.

-Get out!
-Denise!

-Get out!
-I'm trying to.

Well, let me help you. Now, get out!

-What is your problem?!
-My problem?

You wanna know what my problem is?
I'll tell you what my problem is!

Denise.

Come on. What,
are you just gonna walk home?

It's not that far.

Just.... Just....

Just stop, okay? Look,
just slow down a sec, would you?

I wanna explain.

-Don't bother.
-No, no. Come on, come on, just....

You-- We just--

Look, I'm.... I'm....

I'm....

I'm sorry.

You know?

Yeah.

I shouldn't have said-- You know.

I'm sorry too.

-So....
-So....

Lichter.

-William.
-What?

Let's go. Time to get up.

Your parents are here
to take you home.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.

My parents. My--
Have you seen them?

Are they really angry? Are they--?

Have you seen my father?
Does he have a weapon? Or a--?

Afraid not. Actually...

...they're more worried about you
than anything else.

You know,
because it's not your fault that:

"Mike Dexter beat you up
and forced you to drink alcohol...

-...until you passed out."
-He--

Wh--? What?

That's the statement we got
from the Dexter kid.

He made you drink,
took your clothes off and--

No, no, no. I-- It's what--
Yeah, you know.

It's just funny that he finally
came clean, you know?

Mike, always picking on me, yeah.

Oh, God.

Well, whatever.

Might be a good idea
to lay off that alcohol.

Your life's gonna go
right down the crapper.

-Unless that's what you're going for?
-No, no, no.

No, no, no. Thank you.

-Thank you, thank you.
-You're welcome.

-Attaboy.
-Thank you.

Easy now.

Thank you. Thank you.

To your right.

Get out. Are you kidding me?

Kenny Fisher?

-Are you guys a couple now?
-No. No.

I don't know.

Can I come to your wedding?

Oh, I really should have
taken this one to the grave. Okay.

Off of me, please, onto you.
Did you finally? Amanda?

You did? And?

Oh, Pres.

It's okay. I'm okay.

You know, I--

We weren't meant to be
which, you know, sucks.

But I know. It's over. It's done.

I don't know.

Maybe there isn't
such a thing as fate.

Maybe it's all bullshit.

I just-- I-- I feel like....

Maybe it was a hero's trial.

Something to make me
come out a better person.

I'm trying to make the best of it.

God.

You know, it would have been cool
to make out with her though.

Would you make out with me?

-Call me when you get there, okay?
-Definitely.

Take care.

Give me a hug.

Take care of yourself, okay?

Pres, just so you know....

Just judging from
my little experience last night...

...I do think
there's such a thing as fate.

It just works in really
fucked-up ways sometimes.

Especially in your case.

I'm sorry. You gave that to me.
I had to take it.

Peace out, G.

Nobody understands
the value of a yearbook.

-Memories are all we have.
-That's what I've been saying.

All I know is tonight I'm gonna be
at some bar with chicks all over me.

And you guys are gonna be at home
with your lame-ass girlfriends. Yeah.

-Maybe we should break up with them.
-That's what I'm saying.

Mike. Mike. Mike, I never
got a chance to thank you...

...for covering for me last night.

Thanks for telling the cops
all that stuff.

I don't think I'm gonna be drinking
like that for a while, but thank you.

Yo, no.

Who said you could
sit with us, geek?

Shouldn't you be home
playing with your computer?

Yeah, why don't you go home
and watch Star Trek, Urkel?

Urkel.

-Urkel.
-Urkel.

Urkel.

-Dude.
-Genius.

Yeah, you want some of this?

The Boston Bullet
now boarding at Track 28.

Will passengers
with tickets for the Boston Bullet...

...please board at Track 28?

Excuse me. I think you dropped this.

What are you doing here?

Well, I talked to your dad
and he told me that you'd be here...

...so I just thought that I would....

-That's my letter.
-I thought it was my letter.

Yeah, of course it's your letter.
I mean-- I just....

-Did you read it?
-Yeah.

Let me just say that I don't know
what I put in that letter...

-...because I wrote it so many times--
-Thank you.

Thank you.

I mean, you're welcome.

So...

...you're leaving now?

Oh, God.

-Yeah. It's just--
-Really bad timing?

Yeah.

I've got this workshop...

...with Kurt Vonnegut and--
He's my hero and--

Wow, that's great.

That's really great. Congratulations.

Thanks.

Well, you should--
You should probably go, then.

You know, maybe it's better this way.

Maybe I should just be single
for a while or something.

Sure.

Maybe it's like you said. You know,
all this happened for a reason.

I said that, didn't I?

Well....

Preston, good luck.

Yeah, you too.

I'll see you.

You know, there's probably
a later train I could take.

-I can't believe we jumped William.
-Yeah.

I can't believe
we didn't go into the party.

-It probably sucked anyway.
-Probably.

-Those people are totally boring.
-Yeah.

This town is so lame.

Tell me about it.

Nothing exciting ever happens here.

I'll kick everyone's ass in this room!