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MEL BROOKS:
Mesoamerica.
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♪
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[grunting]
4
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Look, guys. Listen, listen, listen.
5
00:00:15,599 --> 00:00:18,268
I know the Sun God is waging
an eternal battle against darkness
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and in order
for the sun to come up every day,
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we have to sacrifice a virgin.
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I get it, we've all been there.
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But... I'm not a virgin.
10
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[laughing]
11
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Why are you laughing?
I'm being serious.
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I've had so much sex.
13
00:00:33,242 --> 00:00:35,118
This is actually the first time
I haven't had sex all day.
14
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I'm usually having sex all the time.
15
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I'm one of the most disgusting people
you'll ever meet.
16
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I pork, I smash, I crush,
17
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I slurp, I pancake, I waffle, I brunch.
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[scoffs] Wow.
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WOMAN:
You know, if I'm a virgin,
20
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then why do I know so much about butts?
21
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I'm honestly looking out for you guys
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'cause if you sacrifice the wrong person,
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guess whose ass is on the line?
24
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[both scoff]
25
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You know what, fine,
if you guys don't believe me,
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sacrifice me, see what happens.
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[both scream]
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♪
29
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[gasps]
Did you guys see that?
30
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[men whimpering]
Holy shit!
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The gods know, the gods know I fuck.
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♪ theme music playing ♪
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♪
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MEL:
History of the World, Part II.
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♪
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♪ Russian folk music playing ♪
37
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Previously on
The Russian Revolution...
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What are we gonna do about Lenin?
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I serve sandwiches to Vladimir Lenin
40
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and all of his comrades every day
41
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where they remain completely unguarded.
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[singsongy]
Bagel and schmear for Vladimir.
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I think we have our in.
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♪ Russian folk music plays ♪
45
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[wind whistling]
46
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♪
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JOSEPH STALIN:
Uh, Comrade Lenin, sorry to bug,
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can I get a backstage pass
for one of your speeches
49
00:02:01,330 --> 00:02:02,873
for my good friend Commissioner?
50
00:02:02,873 --> 00:02:04,541
He lives in Georgia and if--
51
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- Shh.
- Okay, I'm sorry.
52
00:02:06,627 --> 00:02:07,586
[sighs]
53
00:02:07,586 --> 00:02:09,421
Okay, who's next now?
54
00:02:09,421 --> 00:02:12,716
Oh, Comrade Trotsky, you had presentation.
55
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Yes, thank you, Comrade Lenin.
56
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So I have built the Red Army as we know,
57
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and I thought it could be
kind of interesting
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if our soldiers march like this.
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Music.
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♪ fast-paced march music plays ♪
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That's the wrong song, hold on.
Play track two.
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LEON TROTSKY [over speaker]:
Trotsky movie idea,
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two close friends crash weddings
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- and make love to beautiful women.
- That--
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That's a voice memo,
please skip to the next one.
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♪ electronic dance music playing ♪
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That's the one,
that's the one, that's the one.
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Start to feel it. Are we feelin' it?
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Here it is, right here.
And one, two, three.
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♪
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And a kick.
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And a kick.
73
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And a kick.
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Then we back it up,
75
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and then we back it up.
76
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And a hip twist. Whoo!
[music ends]
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Yes, I, uh--
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What are we thinking?
Are we liking? Is it--
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Well, I love the kick.
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TROTSKY:
Kick. Kick, good.
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00:03:03,475 --> 00:03:05,352
But, uh, the backing up I don't like.
82
00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:09,481
But the backing up shows that we,
we go both directions.
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I don't know, it's weird.
84
00:03:10,399 --> 00:03:11,525
It's like retreating.
85
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- TROTSKY: No, no, no. It's not retreat.
- I don't like it.
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If it was retreat, I would do a kick
87
00:03:14,278 --> 00:03:16,238
and then I fuckin' run away like that.
88
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It's not, it's letting them
know we're here.
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We're here, we're not going anywhere.
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00:03:20,534 --> 00:03:21,994
I also don't like
that you're saying things
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00:03:21,994 --> 00:03:22,995
as you're doing them.
92
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It's a little bougie.
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Very convenient now.
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His idea to back up.
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[laughs]
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I had nothing to do with this.
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- Yeah, I don't like it.
- Yeah, it's bad.
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Why don't you go fuck yourself, motherfucker?
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Huh?
TROTSKY: Say it again.
100
00:03:34,047 --> 00:03:35,007
- Say it to my face.
- I'm-I'm sorry.
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- I'm right here now!
- Nothing.
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[babbling]
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I'm-- I'm sorry.
[Trotsky babbles]
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TROTSKY: [mockingly]
I'm sorry.
105
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What the fuck?
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♪ tense music plays ♪
107
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I kill you someday.
108
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Enough!
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I think we are all
a little hangry, hmm, yeah?
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Where is the Schmuck, huh?
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SCHMUCK:
Uh-oh.
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00:03:53,525 --> 00:03:54,943
[bell ringing]
My ears are itching.
113
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Did somebody say my name?
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Oh, hello, boys.
I brought you some lovely treats.
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Tell me you brought
black and white cookies.
116
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Notski for Trotsky.
117
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Due to an icing error of my own making,
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I do not have black and white cookies,
119
00:04:06,705 --> 00:04:09,666
but only gray cookies today, gray cookies.
120
00:04:09,666 --> 00:04:13,045
But I do have a special treat
for my dear Comrade Lenin.
121
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[gun cocks]
[Stalin yelps]
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A bullet in your kishke!
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Fanny, what are you doing?
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FANNY:
I'm here to kill this man
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who's ruining the soul of the revolution!
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00:04:21,720 --> 00:04:23,222
That wasn't me, that was Stalin.
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00:04:23,222 --> 00:04:24,431
FANNY:
Stalin?
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Yes, it was me.
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00:04:25,557 --> 00:04:27,309
Fellas, I swear on Marx,
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I had no idea she was gonna do this!
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Fanny, as your husband,
I demand, nay, humbly ask
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that you don't shoot
the leader of our country
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and also my best customer.
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00:04:37,319 --> 00:04:40,864
And furthermore,
you're standing in my coleslaw.
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00:04:40,864 --> 00:04:43,158
Schmuck, you are such a coward.
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00:04:43,158 --> 00:04:45,994
Move outta the way
or I will shoot him right through you.
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00:04:45,994 --> 00:04:47,162
You wouldn't dare!
[gun cocks]
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SCHMUCK: [gasps]
Oh!
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My kishke.
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SCHMUCK: Oh!
[gun cocks]
141
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Okay, so she dared.
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[screams]
TROTSKY: Oh, no!
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00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:55,462
SCHMUCK:
She double dared!
144
00:04:55,462 --> 00:04:57,047
I have to three.
145
00:04:57,047 --> 00:04:58,799
Triple threat. That's why I married her.
146
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FANNY:
The revolution has been saved
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from demagoguery.
148
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Nothing can go wrong in Russia now!
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00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:05,806
- Let's go.
- Okay.
150
00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:06,974
FANNY:
Now we're going.
151
00:05:06,974 --> 00:05:09,268
Fellas, I'm so sorry.
I didn't know she was gonna do this.
152
00:05:09,268 --> 00:05:12,437
Also, gratuity is not included,
but encouraged.
153
00:05:12,437 --> 00:05:14,565
Thank you so much.
Gonna leave that right there.
154
00:05:14,565 --> 00:05:15,858
Ooh, I got 'em good.
155
00:05:15,858 --> 00:05:18,694
Also, a five-star on Putz Mates
would be really helpful.
156
00:05:18,694 --> 00:05:19,778
Thank you.
157
00:05:19,778 --> 00:05:23,532
Don't worry, I know CCCPR.
158
00:05:23,532 --> 00:05:25,033
I think I'm going to be fine.
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No, no, no, no, no, CCCPR.
[Lenin groaning]
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VLADIMIR LENIN:
Help! Well, you're doing it wrong!
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Uh-oh, we're losing him!
162
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[Lenin groans]
163
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I gotta do mouth-to-mouth!
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I'd rather die.
165
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[inhales sharply]
166
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You're so noisy when you breathe.
167
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Ooh-ooh-ooh.
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♪
169
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MEL: And now,
The Story of Jesus & Mary Magdalene.
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♪ gentle piano music playing ♪
171
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GRANDMA:
Alright, sweetheart,
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let's grab up the decorations
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and get back downstairs.
174
00:05:55,189 --> 00:05:56,815
Are they in this box, Grandma?
175
00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:59,359
Oh, no, that's just
some of my old stuff.
176
00:06:00,110 --> 00:06:01,445
You went to New York City?
177
00:06:01,445 --> 00:06:02,946
Oh, yeah.
178
00:06:03,530 --> 00:06:05,782
I used to live above a coffee shop
179
00:06:05,782 --> 00:06:09,203
where Rachel, Ross,
and a whole bunch of other white friends
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00:06:09,203 --> 00:06:11,747
would drink coffee from soup bowls.
181
00:06:12,623 --> 00:06:13,540
What's this?
182
00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:17,586
[chuckles] That's something
I used to write in a long time ago.
183
00:06:17,586 --> 00:06:18,670
Is it an old iPad?
184
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,381
Are you serious?
185
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:23,258
It's a notebook.
186
00:06:23,258 --> 00:06:25,844
♪
187
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You wanna hear how I got it?
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Uh, not really.
189
00:06:29,014 --> 00:06:30,599
Too bad, too bad, sit down.
190
00:06:31,099 --> 00:06:32,059
You're gonna listen.
191
00:06:32,518 --> 00:06:34,937
So it all started at a fair.
192
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♪
193
00:06:35,812 --> 00:06:38,857
Step right up, step right up,
194
00:06:38,857 --> 00:06:40,234
and I will guess your age.
195
00:06:41,527 --> 00:06:42,945
I'm gonna say you're 25.
196
00:06:42,945 --> 00:06:44,238
That's right.
197
00:06:44,238 --> 00:06:46,823
This was 25 back then.
198
00:06:46,823 --> 00:06:49,826
Eggs, eggs for sale.
199
00:06:49,826 --> 00:06:52,412
Hey, beat the heat
with a nice room-temperature egg.
200
00:06:52,412 --> 00:06:54,122
No, chill about the eggs.
201
00:06:54,122 --> 00:06:56,625
I just want matzah on a stick.
202
00:06:56,625 --> 00:06:59,670
Listen, Mary, we came to the carnival
to make money, not to have fun.
203
00:06:59,670 --> 00:07:01,171
Can't we just take one day off?
204
00:07:01,171 --> 00:07:02,464
♪
205
00:07:02,464 --> 00:07:04,758
The Magdalene sisters
do not take days off,
206
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:06,927
the Magdalene sisters sell eggs.
207
00:07:07,386 --> 00:07:11,682
Eggs, nice, white, oval,
plain eggs for sale.
208
00:07:12,182 --> 00:07:13,183
Solid stuff.
209
00:07:13,725 --> 00:07:15,310
I told you several times,
210
00:07:15,310 --> 00:07:18,021
nobody want them white-ass chicken eggs.
211
00:07:18,021 --> 00:07:21,567
You think that if I didn't have
like a colorful batch of eggs
212
00:07:21,567 --> 00:07:23,485
that I wouldn't sell them, huh, Luke?
213
00:07:23,485 --> 00:07:25,612
You need some kinda magical creature
214
00:07:25,612 --> 00:07:27,990
that lays colorful eggs
to catch people's attention.
215
00:07:27,990 --> 00:07:30,450
Listen to me, listen to me,
I don't have time for your pitches today.
216
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:32,536
Hey, you need my boy Jesus.
Jesus!
217
00:07:32,536 --> 00:07:34,663
♪ celestial music playing ♪
218
00:07:34,663 --> 00:07:36,623
♪
219
00:07:37,082 --> 00:07:38,166
Excuse me, miss.
220
00:07:39,418 --> 00:07:40,919
You look like you need saving.
221
00:07:40,919 --> 00:07:43,755
I'm sorry, who are you?
222
00:07:43,755 --> 00:07:45,132
I'm Jesus of Nazareth.
223
00:07:45,757 --> 00:07:47,467
Some call me Jesus Christ, Son of God.
224
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:49,052
Ooh. Some call him broke and corny.
225
00:07:49,052 --> 00:07:51,722
- Hey, watch it now.
- Oh, yeah, I-- I've heard of you before.
226
00:07:51,722 --> 00:07:53,098
You're a carpenter, right?
227
00:07:53,098 --> 00:07:55,267
I am, and I perform miracles.
228
00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:59,146
What, like finishing a project on time
and being under budget?
229
00:07:59,146 --> 00:08:00,856
What? No.
I mean, the supply chain,
230
00:08:00,856 --> 00:08:02,482
the cost of lumber, inflation.
MARY: Oh!
231
00:08:02,482 --> 00:08:03,609
- JESUS: Girl, what are you talking about?
- Okay. Bye.
232
00:08:03,609 --> 00:08:06,570
No. Wait, wait.
Hey, hey, I mean, perform real miracles.
233
00:08:07,112 --> 00:08:07,946
[Martha scoffs]
234
00:08:07,946 --> 00:08:09,740
[buzzer buzzes]
[man gasps]
235
00:08:09,740 --> 00:08:13,160
If you can dunk me, I'll leave you alone.
236
00:08:13,160 --> 00:08:16,997
♪
237
00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:18,123
Mary. Mary!
238
00:08:18,123 --> 00:08:20,667
♪
239
00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:22,336
You ready?
JESUS: I'm ready.
240
00:08:22,336 --> 00:08:23,921
Come on, dunk me.
MAN: Go, JC.
241
00:08:23,921 --> 00:08:25,506
[spits]
MARTHA: Ew.
242
00:08:26,381 --> 00:08:29,426
[grunting]
243
00:08:29,426 --> 00:08:30,761
[buzzer buzzes]
244
00:08:30,761 --> 00:08:31,595
CROWD:
Oh!
245
00:08:31,595 --> 00:08:33,430
♪ angelic music playing ♪
246
00:08:33,430 --> 00:08:34,890
I call this walkin' on water.
247
00:08:35,474 --> 00:08:36,892
Jesus Christ!
248
00:08:37,392 --> 00:08:39,228
- And you owe me a date.
- Okay.
249
00:08:39,228 --> 00:08:40,354
♪ romantic music playing ♪
250
00:08:40,354 --> 00:08:42,606
GRANDMA:
Jesus knew his time was short,
251
00:08:42,606 --> 00:08:44,942
so he put the moves on her right away.
252
00:08:44,942 --> 00:08:46,318
I'm 25.
253
00:08:46,318 --> 00:08:48,737
GRANDDAUGHTER:
Ugh, Grandma, this is getting romantic.
254
00:08:48,737 --> 00:08:50,405
GRANDMA:
That's because it's a parody
255
00:08:50,405 --> 00:08:52,115
of a romantic movie.
256
00:08:52,115 --> 00:08:55,786
Sorry it's not that zombie, vampire,
whatever shit you watch.
257
00:08:55,786 --> 00:08:59,331
Camel or a notebook, hmm?
258
00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:01,083
Notebook.
259
00:09:01,083 --> 00:09:03,502
♪
260
00:09:03,502 --> 00:09:06,463
I feel like you've been
walking with me my whole life.
261
00:09:06,964 --> 00:09:09,341
Ah, I mean, I'm always walkin' with you,
262
00:09:10,008 --> 00:09:10,968
even when I'm not here.
263
00:09:10,968 --> 00:09:12,594
Honestly, I don't even know
if I would want you
264
00:09:12,594 --> 00:09:16,181
following me around everywhere
'cause some stuff is private.
265
00:09:16,181 --> 00:09:20,435
♪
266
00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:23,146
Jesus?
JESUS: I'm here.
267
00:09:23,146 --> 00:09:24,106
Oh, my God!
268
00:09:24,731 --> 00:09:26,108
JESUS:
Check out the footprints.
269
00:09:27,150 --> 00:09:29,611
- Cool, right?
- [gasps] Is that you?
270
00:09:30,529 --> 00:09:33,532
Oh, my God, your feet are huge.
271
00:09:34,283 --> 00:09:36,368
- Oh! Oh!
- Oh, come on!
272
00:09:36,368 --> 00:09:38,537
Oh! I stepped in camel shit.
[winces]
273
00:09:38,537 --> 00:09:40,789
Oh, it's all in the grooves.
Can you believe that?
274
00:09:40,789 --> 00:09:43,166
Do you have like a stick,
or a coffee stirrer or something?
275
00:09:43,166 --> 00:09:46,545
Um, maybe, I don't know,
you could rinse it off or--
276
00:09:47,629 --> 00:09:48,672
You wanna see something cool?
277
00:09:48,672 --> 00:09:50,340
[Mary giggles]
Close your eyes.
278
00:09:51,592 --> 00:09:53,468
- And get ready.
- [exhales] Okay.
279
00:09:53,468 --> 00:09:55,179
♪ uplifting music playing ♪
280
00:09:55,179 --> 00:09:57,806
♪
281
00:09:57,806 --> 00:09:59,141
Oh, my God.
282
00:09:59,141 --> 00:10:00,100
[gasps]
283
00:10:02,227 --> 00:10:03,812
Make it snow now!
284
00:10:03,812 --> 00:10:05,480
No, we still in the desert,
I can't do that.
285
00:10:05,480 --> 00:10:09,651
Oh, okay, this is a true miracle!
286
00:10:09,651 --> 00:10:11,320
[gasps, laughs]
287
00:10:11,320 --> 00:10:13,697
♪
288
00:10:13,697 --> 00:10:14,823
Are you ready to be saved?
289
00:10:15,490 --> 00:10:17,826
I am. I wanna be saved.
290
00:10:17,826 --> 00:10:23,624
♪
291
00:10:26,043 --> 00:10:30,088
Yes! Jesus Christ is my boyfriend!
292
00:10:30,088 --> 00:10:32,716
GRANDMA:
Jesus and Mary were in love,
293
00:10:32,716 --> 00:10:35,511
but much like your grandfather in bed,
it didn't last long.
294
00:10:35,511 --> 00:10:36,428
GRANDDAUGHTER:
Grandma!
295
00:10:36,428 --> 00:10:38,096
GRANDMA:
Oh, don't be such a prude.
296
00:10:38,096 --> 00:10:41,725
I'll tell you how it ended
after some unrelated sketches.
297
00:10:41,725 --> 00:10:43,185
♪
298
00:10:44,228 --> 00:10:47,481
♪ guitar music plays ♪
299
00:10:47,481 --> 00:10:49,733
Hi, my name is Rasputin,
300
00:10:49,733 --> 00:10:51,860
and this is getting my dick cut off.
301
00:10:51,860 --> 00:10:55,280
Oh, yeah, right in the kuskus.
302
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:58,909
Oh!
303
00:10:59,159 --> 00:11:00,744
Oh!
304
00:11:00,744 --> 00:11:02,746
Ho-ho-ho-ho!
305
00:11:02,746 --> 00:11:03,580
[laughing]
306
00:11:03,580 --> 00:11:05,207
Oh! Ho-ho!
307
00:11:05,207 --> 00:11:08,335
Oh! Ow! My baby! My baby!
308
00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:10,087
♪
309
00:11:10,087 --> 00:11:11,547
[Lance retching]
310
00:11:11,547 --> 00:11:14,383
Take your finger off your tuchus
and put it under Lance's nose.
311
00:11:14,383 --> 00:11:15,509
[retching]
312
00:11:15,509 --> 00:11:16,635
Get him, get him!
313
00:11:16,635 --> 00:11:17,886
[retches]
314
00:11:17,886 --> 00:11:20,556
Oh! [laughing]
315
00:11:21,473 --> 00:11:23,517
Oh, man.
316
00:11:23,517 --> 00:11:25,352
♪
317
00:11:28,730 --> 00:11:30,148
♪ drumbeats ♪
318
00:11:30,148 --> 00:11:31,525
MEL:
The Pyramids.
319
00:11:31,525 --> 00:11:33,735
♪
320
00:11:33,735 --> 00:11:35,404
[indistinct chatter]
321
00:11:35,404 --> 00:11:36,738
♪
322
00:11:36,738 --> 00:11:39,992
[gasps]
Ahmed, look, a basket.
323
00:11:39,992 --> 00:11:41,410
AHMED:
Sonora, we don't have extra gold.
324
00:11:41,410 --> 00:11:42,244
SONORA:
Ugh.
325
00:11:42,244 --> 00:11:44,788
GLORP:
Did I hear someone say extra gold?
326
00:11:45,247 --> 00:11:46,081
Yes.
327
00:11:46,081 --> 00:11:49,585
True or true, you'd like some more gold?
328
00:11:49,585 --> 00:11:50,752
True and true.
329
00:11:50,752 --> 00:11:52,504
- How did he know that?
- I don't know.
330
00:11:52,504 --> 00:11:54,381
- Hi, I'm Glorp.
- Glorp?
331
00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:56,508
Did you know that building pyramids
332
00:11:56,508 --> 00:11:58,844
is the fastest-growing industry in Egypt?
333
00:11:58,844 --> 00:12:01,555
All the best pharaohs are buried in them
334
00:12:01,555 --> 00:12:03,348
with their cats and their slaves.
335
00:12:03,348 --> 00:12:05,392
But they're for rich people.
GLORP: That's right.
336
00:12:05,392 --> 00:12:07,978
Don't you think you deserve
to get in on that action?
337
00:12:07,978 --> 00:12:09,605
Well, yeah, but, I mean--
338
00:12:09,605 --> 00:12:13,358
Well, it just so happens
that I can get you in on the ground floor,
339
00:12:13,358 --> 00:12:16,486
and when it comes to building pyramids,
that's limestone.
340
00:12:16,486 --> 00:12:18,238
[chuckles] Laugh out laugh.
341
00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:19,448
[Sonora chuckles awkwardly]
342
00:12:19,448 --> 00:12:21,241
Yeah, it sounds
a little too good to be true.
343
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:22,451
There's gotta be a catch, right?
344
00:12:22,451 --> 00:12:24,453
I appreciate your skepticism
345
00:12:24,453 --> 00:12:26,330
and I love all your questions.
346
00:12:26,914 --> 00:12:27,873
This is how it works.
347
00:12:27,873 --> 00:12:31,126
You get two friends to build a pyramid.
348
00:12:31,126 --> 00:12:32,544
Okay, I know two friends.
349
00:12:32,544 --> 00:12:35,214
And then you sell them the materials.
350
00:12:35,214 --> 00:12:36,048
Uh-huh. Okay.
351
00:12:36,048 --> 00:12:37,174
GLORP:
Then, they get two friends
352
00:12:37,174 --> 00:12:38,175
to build pyramids,
353
00:12:38,175 --> 00:12:40,302
and so on, and so on.
354
00:12:40,302 --> 00:12:41,637
Okay, sounds like a pyramid scheme.
355
00:12:41,637 --> 00:12:42,971
It's not a pyramid scheme,
356
00:12:42,971 --> 00:12:44,765
it's a pyramid opportunity.
357
00:12:44,765 --> 00:12:46,725
That's the beauty of AfterALife.
358
00:12:46,725 --> 00:12:48,602
This sounds just like
that herbal supplement thing
359
00:12:48,602 --> 00:12:49,520
that you got really into
360
00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:51,355
and you went to that scary dark place.
[shushes]
361
00:12:51,355 --> 00:12:52,898
AHMED:
Don't embarrass me in front of Glorp.
362
00:12:52,898 --> 00:12:55,943
I'll even give you a new cart
to transport your materials.
363
00:12:55,943 --> 00:12:56,860
[bell rings]
364
00:12:57,903 --> 00:12:59,530
Okay, but when do we
start seeing a return?
365
00:12:59,530 --> 00:13:01,073
Oh, we've got a thinker here.
366
00:13:01,073 --> 00:13:03,367
I can see who wears
the skirt in this relationship.
367
00:13:05,369 --> 00:13:07,246
You can begin whenever you want.
368
00:13:07,246 --> 00:13:10,374
With the pyramid project,
you are your own pharaoh.
369
00:13:10,374 --> 00:13:14,545
Hello, jerk!
Hey, you, I want my gold back!
370
00:13:14,545 --> 00:13:15,838
Oh, hi, Zakhor.
371
00:13:15,838 --> 00:13:17,089
Another satisfied customer.
372
00:13:17,089 --> 00:13:19,967
Did you guys know
that you gotta build six pyramids
373
00:13:19,967 --> 00:13:21,176
to get that pink cart?
374
00:13:21,176 --> 00:13:22,886
I don't think we were there
in the scam yet.
375
00:13:22,886 --> 00:13:25,055
I can explain.
If you factor in...
376
00:13:25,055 --> 00:13:27,140
[communicator chimes]
...requesting immediate teleportation,
377
00:13:27,140 --> 00:13:28,392
please, to Machu Picchu.
378
00:13:28,392 --> 00:13:29,643
Machu Picchu, please.
379
00:13:29,643 --> 00:13:31,311
- Who are you talking to?
- Customer service, hold on.
380
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:32,312
What?
381
00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:34,648
Mexico City, Machu Picchu,
anywhere will do.
382
00:13:34,648 --> 00:13:36,108
I'm gonna kick your fuckin' ass.
383
00:13:36,108 --> 00:13:37,526
Quickly, quickly.
384
00:13:37,526 --> 00:13:38,402
[Zakhor yelps]
385
00:13:40,279 --> 00:13:41,113
Where'd he go?
386
00:13:41,113 --> 00:13:42,364
[thunder rumbles]
387
00:13:42,364 --> 00:13:44,366
Ugh, looks like it's about to rain.
388
00:13:44,366 --> 00:13:46,869
[frogs croaking]
389
00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:48,787
Ah, it's just a drizzle.
390
00:13:48,787 --> 00:13:50,747
♪
391
00:13:51,373 --> 00:13:55,002
MEL:
And now the conclusion of Jesus & Mary.
392
00:13:55,002 --> 00:13:56,086
♪
393
00:13:56,086 --> 00:13:59,173
GRANDMA:
Mary's heart belonged to Jesus,
394
00:13:59,173 --> 00:14:01,341
and she wrote about it in her notebook
395
00:14:01,341 --> 00:14:03,677
just like in the 2004 film.
396
00:14:03,677 --> 00:14:05,345
JESUS:
Mary? Mary?
397
00:14:05,345 --> 00:14:06,221
Jesus?
398
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:07,848
Mary!
399
00:14:07,848 --> 00:14:09,600
Jesus.
[sighs deeply]
400
00:14:10,809 --> 00:14:12,269
I was thinking about you all day.
401
00:14:12,269 --> 00:14:14,438
♪
402
00:14:14,438 --> 00:14:15,480
What's wrong?
403
00:14:15,480 --> 00:14:16,607
Do you have to use the bathroom?
404
00:14:17,065 --> 00:14:18,192
I mean, ours is clogged.
405
00:14:18,942 --> 00:14:19,860
It wasn't me.
406
00:14:20,485 --> 00:14:21,778
[sighs] I, uh--
407
00:14:23,947 --> 00:14:25,365
I-I came to say goodbye.
408
00:14:26,491 --> 00:14:27,701
[laughs]
409
00:14:27,701 --> 00:14:30,162
Oh, that's how it is.
410
00:14:30,162 --> 00:14:33,081
So you baptize a girl,
find out she takes huge dumps,
411
00:14:33,081 --> 00:14:34,666
and then you just dip out?
412
00:14:34,666 --> 00:14:36,752
No! It's not you.
413
00:14:36,752 --> 00:14:38,128
[clicks tongue, sighs]
414
00:14:38,128 --> 00:14:40,631
I don't know,
my dad is back on his bullshit.
415
00:14:41,173 --> 00:14:43,258
I can't believe
I'm never gonna see you again.
416
00:14:44,551 --> 00:14:47,095
You know, actually,
I think I'm back in like three days?
417
00:14:47,095 --> 00:14:47,930
Really?
418
00:14:47,930 --> 00:14:49,306
Yeah, it's like a long weekend.
419
00:14:49,306 --> 00:14:51,517
Guys, we did it! We did it!
420
00:14:51,517 --> 00:14:55,229
Oh, my God, we got a chicken
to fuck a bunny rabbit!
421
00:14:55,229 --> 00:14:57,940
Yeah, yeah, and the rabbit
laid these colorful eggs.
422
00:14:57,940 --> 00:14:58,815
It's fucked up.
423
00:14:58,815 --> 00:15:01,109
And the good thing is
those eggs are chocolate.
424
00:15:01,109 --> 00:15:03,445
- MARTHA: Yeah.
- And when those eggs hatch?
425
00:15:04,112 --> 00:15:05,531
The chicks are marshmallows!
426
00:15:05,531 --> 00:15:07,366
Marshmallows.
It's fucked up, but it's delicious.
427
00:15:07,366 --> 00:15:08,867
It's fucked up!
[laughter]
428
00:15:08,867 --> 00:15:10,536
Now we just need
like some kind of holiday
429
00:15:10,536 --> 00:15:12,412
where people wanna buy
this kinda weird shit.
430
00:15:12,412 --> 00:15:13,956
How about this Sunday?
431
00:15:15,123 --> 00:15:17,376
I couldn't think of a better way
for you to honor me.
432
00:15:18,085 --> 00:15:20,879
Do this in memory of me.
433
00:15:20,879 --> 00:15:21,922
Okay.
434
00:15:22,673 --> 00:15:24,132
Bye, Jesus.
435
00:15:24,132 --> 00:15:26,176
♪
436
00:15:26,176 --> 00:15:27,094
Goodbye, Mary.
437
00:15:27,094 --> 00:15:28,595
♪
438
00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:29,513
My little lamb.
439
00:15:29,513 --> 00:15:32,474
Spread my message to your flock,
440
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:35,477
my message of love and...
441
00:15:35,477 --> 00:15:36,395
Honk.
442
00:15:37,104 --> 00:15:39,898
Oh, if the Romans come, I was never here.
443
00:15:41,900 --> 00:15:43,318
LUKE:
I got a holiday.
444
00:15:43,318 --> 00:15:45,779
We get some graham crackers
and call that shit S'mores Day.
445
00:15:45,779 --> 00:15:48,115
Just call it Easter, guys.
446
00:15:48,115 --> 00:15:49,658
Oh, thank you for finally helping!
447
00:15:49,658 --> 00:15:50,784
Yes. [chuckles]
448
00:15:50,784 --> 00:15:52,619
Come on.
[Luke laughs]
449
00:15:52,619 --> 00:15:54,162
LUKE:
Hey, you two getting frisky again?
450
00:15:54,663 --> 00:15:56,623
GRANDDAUGHTER:
So this story is about the Easter bunny?
451
00:15:56,623 --> 00:15:59,501
No, that's just a B-story.
452
00:15:59,501 --> 00:16:01,253
Uh, where's my phone?
453
00:16:01,253 --> 00:16:03,922
No attention span TikTok-ass.
454
00:16:03,922 --> 00:16:05,424
♪
455
00:16:07,134 --> 00:16:08,719
JESUS [whispers]:
It was us.
456
00:16:08,719 --> 00:16:10,637
♪
457
00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:13,348
I am losing my damn mind.
458
00:16:17,978 --> 00:16:18,896
♪
459
00:16:18,896 --> 00:16:21,440
MEL:
Meanwhile, back in Moscow.
460
00:16:21,440 --> 00:16:23,567
FANNY: Schmuck, move faster!
SCHMUCK: Oh, please, Fanny,
461
00:16:23,567 --> 00:16:25,444
I got a terrible review on Putz Mates.
462
00:16:25,444 --> 00:16:27,696
I'm gonna have to work for Schlubhub now.
463
00:16:27,696 --> 00:16:28,697
[grunts]
464
00:16:28,697 --> 00:16:30,908
I can't believe you shot Lenin.
465
00:16:30,908 --> 00:16:32,659
He was my best customer!
466
00:16:32,659 --> 00:16:33,869
I shot him three times
467
00:16:33,869 --> 00:16:36,079
and didn't even kill him, the cockroach.
468
00:16:36,079 --> 00:16:37,539
What is he, Rasputin?
469
00:16:37,539 --> 00:16:38,749
What is happening to this family?
470
00:16:38,749 --> 00:16:40,375
How could it get any worse?
471
00:16:40,375 --> 00:16:41,668
JOSH:
Mom, Dad,
472
00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:44,838
I want you to meet
Princess Anastasia Romanov.
473
00:16:44,838 --> 00:16:47,341
The sole surviving heir
to the Russian throne?
474
00:16:47,341 --> 00:16:48,634
Get her outta here, Joshy!
475
00:16:48,634 --> 00:16:49,968
And she's my fiancée.
476
00:16:50,552 --> 00:16:53,889
[gasps] My baby's getting married!
[Schmuck groans]
477
00:16:54,515 --> 00:16:56,350
Since your whole family is dead,
478
00:16:56,350 --> 00:16:58,435
how many people do I get
to invite to the wedding?
479
00:16:58,435 --> 00:16:59,937
Think about it. [kisses]
SCHMUCK: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
480
00:16:59,937 --> 00:17:01,146
When did you get engaged?
481
00:17:01,146 --> 00:17:02,731
During the commercial break.
482
00:17:02,731 --> 00:17:04,942
What? But what about
the people with Hulu Plus?
483
00:17:04,942 --> 00:17:06,860
They're living in a commercial-free world.
484
00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:08,862
They're completely in the dark, as are we!
485
00:17:08,862 --> 00:17:10,572
They chose their own ad experience.
486
00:17:10,572 --> 00:17:11,615
They're capitalist sheep.
[Schmuck groans]
487
00:17:11,615 --> 00:17:13,617
Aw, I love sheep.
488
00:17:13,617 --> 00:17:15,661
Oh, I always assumed
I'd have Jewish grandchildren,
489
00:17:15,661 --> 00:17:18,872
with, with hip dysplasia
and bipolar disorder!
490
00:17:18,872 --> 00:17:20,749
[groans, shudders]
491
00:17:20,749 --> 00:17:23,710
Schmuck, stop moaning,
we need to think of a plan!
492
00:17:23,710 --> 00:17:24,878
You're gonna shoot me!
493
00:17:24,878 --> 00:17:27,130
- You're gonna shoot me!
- I'm not gonna shoot you!
494
00:17:27,130 --> 00:17:29,758
You're gonna jump on me!
495
00:17:29,758 --> 00:17:31,009
Don't jump on me!
496
00:17:31,009 --> 00:17:32,678
[screaming]
497
00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:36,807
I'm hysterical! I'm hysterical!
498
00:17:36,807 --> 00:17:38,350
[shuddering stops]
I--
499
00:17:38,851 --> 00:17:40,310
I'm in pain.
500
00:17:40,310 --> 00:17:42,396
I'm in pain and I'm still hysterical!
501
00:17:42,396 --> 00:17:43,355
[babbling]
502
00:17:43,355 --> 00:17:45,315
Schmuck, Schmuck,
we've been through this.
503
00:17:45,315 --> 00:17:47,568
Come on, breathe, you know what to do.
504
00:17:47,568 --> 00:17:48,986
[snorting, exhales]
505
00:17:48,986 --> 00:17:49,903
Yes.
506
00:17:49,903 --> 00:17:51,655
[snorting, exhales]
Yes.
507
00:17:51,655 --> 00:17:53,824
Anyway, these are my parents.
[Anastasia giggles]
508
00:17:53,824 --> 00:17:54,700
SCHMUCK:
Alright, we need to get outta here.
509
00:17:54,700 --> 00:17:57,870
We need to f-f-flee to, flee to America!
510
00:17:57,870 --> 00:18:00,038
Yeah, how the hell are we
gonna do that with no money?
511
00:18:00,038 --> 00:18:01,540
Oh, is this money?
512
00:18:03,542 --> 00:18:04,376
[Schmuck gasps]
513
00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:06,712
- She's paying for the wedding.
- Okay.
514
00:18:07,337 --> 00:18:08,672
- Alright.
- That's money.
515
00:18:08,672 --> 00:18:09,840
[train horn blows]
516
00:18:09,840 --> 00:18:11,758
ANNOUNCER: Last train
out of Mother Russia boarding now.
517
00:18:11,758 --> 00:18:13,427
I hope there's extra leg room
on this train.
518
00:18:13,427 --> 00:18:15,012
My ticket is economy minus.
519
00:18:15,554 --> 00:18:16,847
ANASTASIA:
This isn't gonna work.
520
00:18:16,847 --> 00:18:18,140
We're never gonna get outta Moscow.
521
00:18:18,140 --> 00:18:20,184
SCHMUCK:
We just need to get on that train
522
00:18:20,184 --> 00:18:21,894
and nobody's gonna mess with a golem.
523
00:18:22,352 --> 00:18:23,395
What's a golem?
524
00:18:23,896 --> 00:18:25,105
We're a golem.
525
00:18:25,105 --> 00:18:26,940
Joshy, I'm not so sure
about this shiksa.
526
00:18:26,940 --> 00:18:27,858
JOSH:
She's really cool, Ma.
527
00:18:27,858 --> 00:18:30,527
She was teaching me all about
something called a Christmas tree.
528
00:18:30,527 --> 00:18:32,154
Jesus.
529
00:18:32,154 --> 00:18:33,989
Why am I on the bottom?
530
00:18:33,989 --> 00:18:36,408
Because my spine is cursed.
531
00:18:37,367 --> 00:18:39,036
What's up? I'm talking to you guys.
532
00:18:39,036 --> 00:18:41,038
And not talking
to the people inside of my coat.
533
00:18:41,038 --> 00:18:42,247
FANNY:
What's going on out there?
534
00:18:42,247 --> 00:18:43,498
What's happening?
535
00:18:43,498 --> 00:18:46,335
We're coming up
on some soldiers, so be cool.
536
00:18:48,045 --> 00:18:49,963
Thank you, gentlemen.
Thank you for your service.
537
00:18:49,963 --> 00:18:52,299
I would've served myself,
but I had shin splints,
538
00:18:52,299 --> 00:18:53,550
so, thank you, though.
539
00:18:53,550 --> 00:18:55,636
To Russia with love.
540
00:18:56,136 --> 00:18:58,305
You know who has four feet
and loves train rides?
541
00:18:58,305 --> 00:18:59,848
This guy, a golem.
542
00:18:59,848 --> 00:19:00,724
Oh, hello?
543
00:19:00,724 --> 00:19:01,558
FANNY: Shush, Schmuck!
[Schmuck's stomach rumbles]
544
00:19:01,558 --> 00:19:03,060
SCHMUCK:
Ooh, got a demon in my stomach.
545
00:19:03,060 --> 00:19:04,061
Hello.
FANNY: Schmuck.
546
00:19:04,061 --> 00:19:06,438
Calm down. Don't give us away.
547
00:19:06,438 --> 00:19:08,732
Okay, we're just 20 yards
from the train car.
548
00:19:08,732 --> 00:19:10,484
- [Schmuck farts]
- What is that?
549
00:19:10,484 --> 00:19:11,652
SCHMUCK: Cry-me-a River.
FANNY: Oh, no.
550
00:19:11,652 --> 00:19:12,778
SCHMUCK:
Okay, that's funny.
551
00:19:12,778 --> 00:19:14,112
- FANNY: What is it?
- What is that smell?
552
00:19:14,112 --> 00:19:15,197
Calm down. Shh!
553
00:19:15,197 --> 00:19:17,157
It smells like a rat died or something.
554
00:19:17,157 --> 00:19:19,493
Oh, honey, I get a little sour stomach
555
00:19:19,493 --> 00:19:21,078
whenever I'm fleeing a country.
556
00:19:21,078 --> 00:19:22,371
[farting]
It happens, sorry.
557
00:19:22,371 --> 00:19:23,455
I'm gonna go blind.
558
00:19:23,872 --> 00:19:25,582
I'm gonna go blind. I'm panicking.
559
00:19:25,582 --> 00:19:26,875
What are you complaining about?
560
00:19:26,875 --> 00:19:28,418
It's the stuntman doing all the work.
561
00:19:28,418 --> 00:19:30,420
ANASTASIA: I'm freaking out!
I can't be in here right now, you guys.
562
00:19:30,420 --> 00:19:31,547
I'm being serious.
[Schmuck farting]
563
00:19:31,547 --> 00:19:32,381
FANNY:
Get it together.
564
00:19:32,381 --> 00:19:35,092
Just an everyday golem
boarding a train, nothing to see.
565
00:19:35,092 --> 00:19:37,636
[chuckles] Okay, there's the car,
we're almost there.
566
00:19:37,636 --> 00:19:39,429
ANASTASIA:
I'm panicking! I can't be in here!
567
00:19:39,429 --> 00:19:40,514
- FANNY: Schmuck.
- Oh, my God.
568
00:19:40,514 --> 00:19:41,390
[Schmuck farting]
Oh, God!
569
00:19:41,390 --> 00:19:43,100
Oh, oh, oh!
570
00:19:43,100 --> 00:19:44,184
[farting]
571
00:19:44,184 --> 00:19:45,853
♪
572
00:19:45,853 --> 00:19:46,728
Go, go, go, go, go!
573
00:19:46,728 --> 00:19:50,399
ANNOUNCER: Last train
out of Mother Russia leaving now.
574
00:19:50,941 --> 00:19:53,110
Stop! Stop that train!
575
00:19:53,110 --> 00:19:55,612
Fanny, come on, what are you doing?
The train's about to leave!
576
00:19:55,612 --> 00:19:58,615
I'm gonna stay here
and fight for the revolution!
577
00:19:58,615 --> 00:20:00,617
What? But what about our son?
578
00:20:00,617 --> 00:20:01,451
[scoffs]
579
00:20:01,451 --> 00:20:03,328
Josh is so clearly not your son.
580
00:20:03,328 --> 00:20:05,664
- SCHMUCK: Uh-huh.
- Look at him, he's beautiful.
581
00:20:05,664 --> 00:20:08,000
But I'm telling you this
because I need you to know.
582
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:09,918
- Uh-huh.
- I never loved you.
583
00:20:10,878 --> 00:20:12,838
Fanny, what are you saying?
584
00:20:13,338 --> 00:20:14,882
- Oy vey.
- Huh?
585
00:20:14,882 --> 00:20:16,550
ANNOUNCER:
All aboard!
586
00:20:16,550 --> 00:20:17,801
Goodbye, Schmuck.
587
00:20:17,801 --> 00:20:18,802
[train whistle blows]
588
00:20:18,802 --> 00:20:21,054
Goodbye forever, my sour pickle!
589
00:20:21,889 --> 00:20:23,640
I'm flying in for the wedding.
590
00:20:23,640 --> 00:20:26,185
Great, we'll sit next to each other
and share an entrée!
591
00:20:26,185 --> 00:20:28,687
I'm bringing a date,
I don't wanna talk about it.
592
00:20:28,687 --> 00:20:31,273
Oh, Fanny, it's water under the bridge!
593
00:20:31,815 --> 00:20:33,400
Tell Josh right away!
594
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,194
SCHMUCK:
I'll tell him when we get to America,
595
00:20:35,194 --> 00:20:36,278
which might not be for a while
596
00:20:36,278 --> 00:20:38,614
because I don't think
this train is moving!
597
00:20:39,281 --> 00:20:41,575
No, tell him right away.
Rip the Band-Aid.
598
00:20:41,575 --> 00:20:44,161
Oh, I'll tell him someday, Fanny.
599
00:20:44,161 --> 00:20:49,917
♪ Someday maybe tomorrow ♪
600
00:20:51,251 --> 00:20:54,046
And so, this story
has come to its natural conclusion.
601
00:20:54,046 --> 00:20:55,088
[farts]
[train horn honks]
602
00:20:55,088 --> 00:20:55,923
♪ Hey ♪
603
00:20:55,923 --> 00:20:57,841
♪ All my girls bossy, ride with me,
I'm a savage ♪
604
00:20:57,841 --> 00:20:59,927
♪ All my girls bossy,
if they want it they can have it ♪
605
00:20:59,927 --> 00:21:01,595
♪ I ain't leaving till I get the bag B ♪
606
00:21:01,595 --> 00:21:03,680
♪ Ride with me, all my girls,
all my girls with me ♪
607
00:21:03,680 --> 00:21:05,516
♪ All my girls bossy, ride with me,
I'm a savage ♪
608
00:21:05,516 --> 00:21:07,684
♪ All my girls bossy,
if they want it they can have it ♪
609
00:21:07,684 --> 00:21:10,103
♪ I ain't leaving till I get the bag B,
ride with me ♪
610
00:21:10,103 --> 00:21:11,480
♪ All my girls, all my girls with me ♪
611
00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:17,069
♪
612
00:21:17,069 --> 00:21:19,238
♪ Ride with me,
all my girls, all my girls with me ♪
613
00:21:19,238 --> 00:21:24,743
♪
614
00:21:33,460 --> 00:21:34,336
♪ Hey ♪
615
00:21:34,336 --> 00:21:36,255
♪ All my girls bossy, ride with me,
I'm a savage ♪
616
00:21:36,255 --> 00:21:38,423
♪ All my girls bossy,
if they want it they can have it ♪
617
00:21:38,423 --> 00:21:39,967
♪ I ain't leaving till I get the bag B ♪
618
00:21:39,967 --> 00:21:42,094
♪ Ride with me,
all my girls, all my girls with me ♪
619
00:21:42,094 --> 00:21:43,929
♪ All my girls bossy, ride with me,
I'm a savage ♪
620
00:21:43,929 --> 00:21:45,848
♪ All my girls bossy,
if they want it they can have it ♪
621
00:21:45,848 --> 00:21:47,558
♪ I ain't leaving till I get the bag B ♪
622
00:21:47,558 --> 00:21:49,810
♪ Ride with me,
all my girls, all my girls with me ♪
623
00:21:49,810 --> 00:21:55,440
♪
624
00:21:55,440 --> 00:21:57,484
♪ Ride with me,
all my girls, all my girls with me ♪
625
00:21:58,986 --> 00:22:01,989
♪ fanfare plays ♪
626
00:22:08,996 --> 00:22:12,958
Here in the South,
we afford people common courtesy.
627
00:22:12,958 --> 00:22:13,959
Not all people.
628
00:22:13,959 --> 00:22:15,711
- Hm...
- Hm!
629
00:22:15,711 --> 00:22:18,380
NARRATOR: Tomorrow night,
the landmark event continues.
630
00:22:18,380 --> 00:22:20,257
- We do we do?
- We celebrate.
631
00:22:20,257 --> 00:22:21,758
I'm making a Manhattan.
632
00:22:21,758 --> 00:22:23,594
I wrote the chorus for "Let it Baa."
633
00:22:23,594 --> 00:22:25,429
JUDAS:
I mean, I thought we were the Fab 12
634
00:22:25,429 --> 00:22:27,806
but I guess it turns out we're the Fab 13.
635
00:22:27,806 --> 00:22:29,558
Khan!
[screaming]
636
00:22:29,558 --> 00:22:32,269
Okay, I think we got it!
Thank you guys so much!
It was so much fun!
637
00:22:32,269 --> 00:22:35,105
And please, demilitarize Berlin.
638
00:22:35,105 --> 00:22:36,565
They need to work on their club scene.
43009
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