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1
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MEL BROOKS:
It's June 6th, 1944.
2
00:00:05,422 --> 00:00:07,007
[distant explosions]
D-Day.
3
00:00:07,007 --> 00:00:11,053
The Allied forces
storm the beaches of Normandy.
4
00:00:11,053 --> 00:00:13,680
[compass clicking]
[planes flying overhead, gunfire]
5
00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:17,351
Boys, we're gonna be storming
Omaha Beach in a couple minutes.
6
00:00:17,351 --> 00:00:18,435
Be steady.
7
00:00:18,435 --> 00:00:20,312
It's time to find out
what you're all made of.
8
00:00:20,312 --> 00:00:21,563
[loud explosion]
9
00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:22,773
Oh God.
10
00:00:22,773 --> 00:00:25,067
Oh. Just barfed in
the corner over here, sir!
11
00:00:25,067 --> 00:00:28,820
Well, just try and keep it out the boat, okay?
12
00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:32,448
Private Tully, get a grip on your nerves!
13
00:00:32,448 --> 00:00:34,493
It's not nerves, sir.
14
00:00:34,493 --> 00:00:35,744
I get seasick.
15
00:00:35,744 --> 00:00:38,247
Well, just keep your eyes
on the horizon. That goes for everyone.
16
00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:41,083
[retching]
17
00:00:41,083 --> 00:00:42,626
Don't tell me you're seasick too, Johnson.
18
00:00:42,626 --> 00:00:44,044
No, sir!
19
00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:47,172
I think I just went a little too hard
on the paté at dinner last night, sir.
20
00:00:47,172 --> 00:00:50,551
What? They didn't serve
paté in the mess.
21
00:00:50,551 --> 00:00:51,927
Did you go AWOL last night?
22
00:00:51,927 --> 00:00:53,637
Yeah. [groans]
23
00:00:53,637 --> 00:00:54,680
Did any of you join him?
24
00:00:57,808 --> 00:00:59,935
I did, sir! Ah.
25
00:00:59,935 --> 00:01:01,603
I had a lot of oysters,
26
00:01:01,603 --> 00:01:04,523
and now that I think about it,
they were pretty warm.
27
00:01:04,523 --> 00:01:06,692
Y'all defied orders
and went to a restaurant?
28
00:01:06,692 --> 00:01:08,151
Sir, we're in Europe,
29
00:01:08,151 --> 00:01:10,320
and we just thought if it
was gonna be our last meal,
30
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that it should be someplace special.
31
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We found this adorable little pub.
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[both retching]
Oh God!
33
00:01:17,911 --> 00:01:20,831
Private Martinez,
you go to this little dinner, too?
34
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No, sir, I wasn't invited, sir!
And to be honest,
35
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it's kinda hurtful to
find out in this manner.
36
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- Sorry, man.
- Then, why the hell are you yakking then?
37
00:01:28,005 --> 00:01:29,923
I have a hair-trigger gag reflex, sir.
38
00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:31,550
If I see somebody puke,
I'm puking right away.
39
00:01:31,550 --> 00:01:33,177
[retching]
40
00:01:33,177 --> 00:01:34,803
Private Bryant, report!
41
00:01:34,803 --> 00:01:36,805
- Share!
- I'm fine!
42
00:01:36,805 --> 00:01:39,600
- CAPTAIN HANKS: That's a direct order!
- I don't wanna talk about it!
43
00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:41,476
He's not fine, sir.
44
00:01:41,476 --> 00:01:43,437
He's been this way since basic.
45
00:01:43,437 --> 00:01:45,856
Always after meals, if you catch my drift.
46
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So what do I do here?
47
00:01:48,150 --> 00:01:50,485
I-I don't know.
Tell him he looks good in any size?
48
00:01:50,485 --> 00:01:52,654
Or maybe don't talk
about his body at all, sir.
49
00:01:53,989 --> 00:01:56,533
Private Cooper,
what is your major malfunction?
50
00:01:56,533 --> 00:01:59,494
Sorry, sir.
I'm just a straight-up coward.
51
00:02:00,996 --> 00:02:02,414
I'm afraid of sharks.
52
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Hair-trigger, sir.
[gun clicking]
53
00:02:04,374 --> 00:02:06,084
Enough!
54
00:02:06,084 --> 00:02:08,253
No more vomit!
55
00:02:08,253 --> 00:02:11,381
Now, we are about to embark
on the biggest military campaign
56
00:02:11,381 --> 00:02:13,675
in the history of the world part two!
57
00:02:13,675 --> 00:02:17,429
And I need you to just...
[growling]
58
00:02:17,429 --> 00:02:19,932
Captain, are you okay?
59
00:02:19,932 --> 00:02:21,475
No.
60
00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:23,727
- I just shit my dang pants.
- Oh, no.
61
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♪ epic music ♪
62
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SOLDIER:
Save it for the Nazis!
63
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♪ theme song playing ♪
64
00:02:41,286 --> 00:02:44,289
MEL:
History of the World, Part II!
65
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♪ biblical music ♪
66
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MEL:
The Story of Jesus.
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♪ angelic vocals ♪
68
00:03:01,723 --> 00:03:04,726
♪ Curb Your Enthusiasm theme ♪
69
00:03:08,689 --> 00:03:12,442
[insects chirping]
70
00:03:12,442 --> 00:03:14,695
Mm. [smacks lips] Mm.
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Mm. Delicious.
72
00:03:18,949 --> 00:03:21,368
Luke, there it is!
73
00:03:21,368 --> 00:03:23,787
- Judas, what's goin' down?
- How you doin', man?
74
00:03:23,787 --> 00:03:25,414
Man, I had to get me
something in my belly, man.
75
00:03:25,414 --> 00:03:26,915
You know that last supper wasn't shit.
76
00:03:26,915 --> 00:03:29,001
[sighs]
Didn't hit anything for me.
77
00:03:29,001 --> 00:03:30,544
Yeah. More like a Last Snack, right?
78
00:03:31,211 --> 00:03:33,881
Nothin' worse than
goin' somewhere for a meal,
79
00:03:33,881 --> 00:03:35,716
and you gotta
come the fuck home and eat again.
80
00:03:35,716 --> 00:03:37,759
It's like, what's the point?
I could've just stayed home.
81
00:03:37,759 --> 00:03:39,011
- What's the fuckin' point?
- I know.
82
00:03:39,011 --> 00:03:41,597
Jesus invites us over for dinner,
and then what?
83
00:03:41,597 --> 00:03:44,683
It's like a bunch of small medi plates?
One lamb meatball as an entrée?
84
00:03:44,683 --> 00:03:47,186
If you're gonna gimme one meatball,
it better be a big-ass meatball.
85
00:03:47,186 --> 00:03:49,563
If it's not bigger than my head,
I don't want it.
86
00:03:49,563 --> 00:03:51,982
- Look, I don't wanna complain.
- Can't hate on Jesus.
87
00:03:51,982 --> 00:03:54,359
I can't hate on Jesus.
I love being a disciple.
88
00:03:54,359 --> 00:03:56,570
But you go to one of these dinners,
89
00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:58,238
there's 11 other guys there
90
00:03:58,238 --> 00:04:00,699
who got plans that
they want you to attend.
91
00:04:00,699 --> 00:04:02,743
- Did Peter corner you?
- Of course, he did.
92
00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:04,203
[whiny voice]:
"You coming to my one-man show?"
93
00:04:04,203 --> 00:04:05,746
One-man fuckin' show, that's the worst!
94
00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:07,289
With a one-man show,
you don't get the chance
95
00:04:07,289 --> 00:04:08,790
to see other people,
other actors, and shit.
96
00:04:08,790 --> 00:04:10,584
You sitting there like,
"This motherfucka again?"
97
00:04:10,584 --> 00:04:12,044
- I know.
- This motherfucka again?
98
00:04:12,044 --> 00:04:13,128
- I know.
- Ain't never leave!
99
00:04:13,128 --> 00:04:14,755
So he's always gonna be
"this motherfucka again!"
100
00:04:14,755 --> 00:04:17,090
I know. I feel gross after that dinner.
Do you know why?
101
00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:19,051
- Why?
- All that feet washing.
102
00:04:19,051 --> 00:04:21,303
Why is everybody
washing feet all the time?
103
00:04:21,303 --> 00:04:23,514
Why is Jesus obsessed with washing feet?
104
00:04:23,514 --> 00:04:24,723
- I don't like it.
- It's unsanitary!
105
00:04:24,723 --> 00:04:26,850
- It's unsanitary. Thank you!
- That's what it is.
106
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Thank you. I just don't like feet.
107
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I don't wanna wash 'em.
I don't wanna look at 'em.
108
00:04:32,022 --> 00:04:33,398
I... don't like feet.
109
00:04:33,398 --> 00:04:34,900
- Oh, man.
- You like feet?
110
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- I make love to a fuckin' foot.
- Really?
111
00:04:36,777 --> 00:04:38,320
Oh, man. Well, two feet.
112
00:04:38,320 --> 00:04:40,280
- See, you're sitting in a yoga pose...
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
113
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,950
...you put both feet together,
so that you create this.
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00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:43,992
Oh, okay.
115
00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:45,536
Put a little lubricant
in that motherfucka,
116
00:04:45,536 --> 00:04:47,538
and break them feet off.
Break 'em off.
117
00:04:47,538 --> 00:04:49,331
Get the party started.
You break your way up.
118
00:04:49,331 --> 00:04:50,749
[knocking on door]
119
00:04:50,749 --> 00:04:52,876
What is this? Who knocks at this hour?
120
00:04:52,876 --> 00:04:56,129
That's why we put blood
on the door frame!
121
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:58,590
So you could pass over us!
122
00:04:58,590 --> 00:05:00,008
See? Pass over!
123
00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:01,927
♪ jaunty music ♪
124
00:05:01,927 --> 00:05:03,720
- Huh?
- Uh-oh. It's the Ro-Ro.
125
00:05:03,720 --> 00:05:05,138
[police siren]
JUDAS: Roman soldiers?
126
00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:07,224
What are they doing here at this hour?
127
00:05:07,224 --> 00:05:09,434
[police radio chatter]
128
00:05:09,893 --> 00:05:10,811
Judas Iscariot?
129
00:05:11,520 --> 00:05:14,106
- Nope, don't think he's, uh...
- Right here.
130
00:05:14,106 --> 00:05:15,440
The fuck are you doing, man?
131
00:05:15,440 --> 00:05:16,984
Not gonna stand here and get profiled.
132
00:05:16,984 --> 00:05:18,610
ROMAN:
I'm gonna cut straight to the chase.
133
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We've gotta arrest this Jesus character.
He is a danger to the community.
134
00:05:21,530 --> 00:05:24,741
Whoa, whoa, h-hold the fuck up,
Mr. Rooster Helmet.
135
00:05:24,741 --> 00:05:27,202
Cock-a-doodle-doo. I don't know what
the fuck you talking about right now,
136
00:05:27,202 --> 00:05:29,454
but Jesus is all about the peace.
137
00:05:29,454 --> 00:05:31,707
Peace and love.
He's all about peace and love.
138
00:05:31,707 --> 00:05:34,042
Judas, we know you
were at the Last Supper.
139
00:05:34,042 --> 00:05:36,336
Everyone knows you're
the most weaselly apostle.
140
00:05:36,336 --> 00:05:37,796
That feels antisemitic.
141
00:05:37,796 --> 00:05:40,007
What we don't know
is what this Jesus looks like.
142
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Now, you identify him for us,
143
00:05:41,758 --> 00:05:44,261
and you will be richly compensated.
144
00:05:44,261 --> 00:05:45,679
Richly compensated?
145
00:05:45,679 --> 00:05:46,972
♪ pensive music ♪
146
00:05:46,972 --> 00:05:47,973
Uh-huh.
147
00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:51,185
Hm...
148
00:05:51,185 --> 00:05:53,729
Eh? Mm-hmm?
149
00:05:55,647 --> 00:05:56,690
Hm.
150
00:05:58,317 --> 00:05:59,359
Eh?
151
00:06:00,402 --> 00:06:01,987
Okay, well...
152
00:06:01,987 --> 00:06:03,989
if I were to do it,
and I'm not saying I would--
153
00:06:03,989 --> 00:06:06,158
- LUKE: Hypothetically speaking, of course.
- Hypothetically speaking,
154
00:06:06,158 --> 00:06:07,743
if I were to do it...
155
00:06:08,785 --> 00:06:10,454
[slurred]:
I mean, what would be in it for me?
156
00:06:10,454 --> 00:06:12,372
Thirty pieces of silver.
[coins jangling]
157
00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:14,416
[normal voice]:
Thirty pieces of silver?
158
00:06:14,416 --> 00:06:15,834
Mm...
159
00:06:15,834 --> 00:06:17,085
[sighs]
160
00:06:17,085 --> 00:06:19,671
I mean,
I'm not gonna... I'm not gonna do it.
161
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Jesus is a good friend.
He's a good friend of ours.
162
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- PETER: Right.
- But, if I were to do it,
163
00:06:23,425 --> 00:06:25,093
how would I even identify him?
164
00:06:25,093 --> 00:06:26,637
You're the weasel. You tell me.
165
00:06:26,637 --> 00:06:29,014
Hey. Maybe slap him on the ass.
166
00:06:29,014 --> 00:06:30,682
- Slap him on the ass?
- Yeah!
167
00:06:30,682 --> 00:06:32,726
Why don't I just give him
a big fat kiss while I'm at it?
168
00:06:32,726 --> 00:06:34,353
ROMAN:
Oh! That could work, yeah.
169
00:06:34,353 --> 00:06:36,647
- JUDAS: What?
- Yeah. You give him a kiss,
170
00:06:36,647 --> 00:06:38,065
we swoop in--
Gimme your hand.
171
00:06:38,065 --> 00:06:39,816
We swoop in and arrest him.
172
00:06:39,816 --> 00:06:40,943
[coins clinking]
173
00:06:40,943 --> 00:06:42,903
Soldiers, march!
174
00:06:42,903 --> 00:06:45,405
Keep marching a hole in the left!
[police siren chirps]
175
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:46,740
Keep marching a hole in the right...
176
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:48,367
Know what you can do
with 30 pieces of silver?
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00:06:48,367 --> 00:06:49,368
What?
178
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Buy one big-ass meatball.
179
00:06:51,245 --> 00:06:52,412
♪
180
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- We would have a nice dinner,
wouldn't we?
- Fuckin' right.
181
00:06:54,998 --> 00:06:57,334
[coins jangling]
[laughing]
182
00:07:00,420 --> 00:07:01,421
♪
183
00:07:01,421 --> 00:07:03,173
MEL:
Shirley Chisholm.
184
00:07:03,173 --> 00:07:05,759
♪ funk music ♪
185
00:07:05,759 --> 00:07:08,554
In 1968, Shirley Chisholm
186
00:07:08,554 --> 00:07:10,514
became the first Black woman
187
00:07:10,514 --> 00:07:13,100
elected to the United States Congress,
188
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:16,812
serving Brooklyn,
the home of me, and Jay-Z.
189
00:07:16,812 --> 00:07:19,064
Brooklyn represent, represent!
190
00:07:19,064 --> 00:07:20,774
I don't know what that means.
191
00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:23,443
Anyway, four years later,
she ran for president,
192
00:07:23,443 --> 00:07:25,654
and this is that story.
193
00:07:25,654 --> 00:07:27,072
With a laugh track!
194
00:07:28,198 --> 00:07:29,449
♪ 70s sitcom music ♪
195
00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:32,744
♪ From Barbados to Brooklyn, then to DC ♪
196
00:07:32,744 --> 00:07:35,080
♪ She's the first Black congresswoman ♪
197
00:07:35,080 --> 00:07:37,583
♪ She's Shirley,
It's been a long, hard road ♪
198
00:07:37,583 --> 00:07:39,251
♪ But hope was never lost ♪
199
00:07:39,251 --> 00:07:43,172
♪ 'Cause that girl Shirley's
unbought and unbossed ♪
200
00:07:43,172 --> 00:07:45,841
♪ Ooo, ooo, "Shirley!" ♪
201
00:07:45,841 --> 00:07:48,010
[audience cheering]
202
00:07:48,010 --> 00:07:49,219
ANNOUNCER:
Shirley is brought to you
203
00:07:49,219 --> 00:07:52,055
by the actual presidential candidate,
Shirley Chisholm,
204
00:07:52,055 --> 00:07:55,350
and filmed in front of
a live Black audience.
205
00:07:55,350 --> 00:07:57,728
♪ upbeat music ♪
206
00:07:57,728 --> 00:08:01,190
[audience cheering]
207
00:08:01,190 --> 00:08:04,193
How's my favorite first
Black congresswoman?
208
00:08:04,193 --> 00:08:05,861
She's terrible.
209
00:08:05,861 --> 00:08:07,321
Nothing gets done in Congress,
210
00:08:07,321 --> 00:08:09,364
except for me getting screwed.
211
00:08:09,364 --> 00:08:12,034
[audience laughing]
212
00:08:12,034 --> 00:08:13,952
And speaking of getting screwed,
213
00:08:13,952 --> 00:08:16,038
how's my favorite dick?
214
00:08:16,038 --> 00:08:18,749
Did you solve the case of
the missing circus elephant?
215
00:08:18,749 --> 00:08:20,459
Heh, sure did. Turns out,
216
00:08:20,459 --> 00:08:23,170
it was the evil Ringling Brother,
Ding-A-Ling.
217
00:08:23,170 --> 00:08:25,714
[audience laughing]
218
00:08:25,714 --> 00:08:28,967
[audience cheering]
219
00:08:28,967 --> 00:08:30,719
I always thought of you as a clown.
220
00:08:30,719 --> 00:08:34,223
I guess now, my eyes
have caught up with my brain.
221
00:08:34,223 --> 00:08:37,768
[audience laughing]
222
00:08:37,768 --> 00:08:39,811
[audience cheering]
223
00:08:39,811 --> 00:08:41,480
Ha, ha!
224
00:08:41,480 --> 00:08:43,106
Florynce Kennedy,
225
00:08:43,106 --> 00:08:45,776
why do you insist on
coming through my window?
226
00:08:45,776 --> 00:08:47,486
Because you won't gimme a key.
227
00:08:47,486 --> 00:08:49,780
[audience laughing]
228
00:08:49,780 --> 00:08:51,240
So, what were y'all talking about?
229
00:08:51,240 --> 00:08:54,451
Oh, just how I'm fed up
with Congress is all.
230
00:08:54,451 --> 00:08:57,955
You know, I wanna work on the problems
of my constituents in Brooklyn.
231
00:08:57,955 --> 00:09:00,874
You know, healthcare, education,
232
00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:02,835
tickets to Marvin Gaye.
233
00:09:02,835 --> 00:09:04,628
FLORYNCE:
As your chief advisor,
234
00:09:04,628 --> 00:09:07,130
you got to take this
to the tippity-top!
235
00:09:08,340 --> 00:09:09,925
BOTH:
Harry Belafonte?
236
00:09:09,925 --> 00:09:11,927
[audience laughing]
237
00:09:11,927 --> 00:09:14,721
No. To the president.
238
00:09:14,721 --> 00:09:17,182
You want me to call President Nixon?
239
00:09:17,182 --> 00:09:19,601
Well, there are a few
things I'd like to call him,
240
00:09:19,601 --> 00:09:21,436
but they wouldn't clear
standards and practices.
241
00:09:21,436 --> 00:09:23,021
[audience laughing]
242
00:09:23,021 --> 00:09:25,023
You know what? Maybe I will.
243
00:09:27,359 --> 00:09:30,863
[dialing, dial tone]
244
00:09:30,863 --> 00:09:32,865
Hello, is this the White House?
245
00:09:32,865 --> 00:09:35,117
This is Congresswoman Shirley Chisholm,
246
00:09:35,117 --> 00:09:38,579
and I would like to speak
with President Nixon, please.
247
00:09:38,579 --> 00:09:40,747
Oh hello, Mr. President.
248
00:09:40,747 --> 00:09:44,209
I didn't realize that you
answered your own phone.
249
00:09:44,209 --> 00:09:46,795
How... very not paranoid of you, sir.
250
00:09:46,795 --> 00:09:49,840
[audience laughing]
251
00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:52,050
Yes. Uh-huh.
252
00:09:52,050 --> 00:09:53,719
Tonight?
253
00:09:53,719 --> 00:09:55,345
7:30?
254
00:09:55,345 --> 00:09:56,930
My place?
255
00:09:56,930 --> 00:09:58,682
Nothing too ethnic.
[audience laughing]
256
00:09:58,682 --> 00:10:01,310
Yes! I can do that.
257
00:10:01,310 --> 00:10:02,561
Thank you.
258
00:10:03,687 --> 00:10:04,980
[hangs up phone]
259
00:10:04,980 --> 00:10:07,065
Guess who's coming to dinner?
260
00:10:07,065 --> 00:10:08,775
Will you two
261
00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:10,819
stop playing around
and help me get dinner ready?
262
00:10:10,819 --> 00:10:12,863
[both yelling, grunting]
263
00:10:12,863 --> 00:10:15,532
[audience laughing]
264
00:10:15,532 --> 00:10:18,952
- [phone falls off hook]
- [stilted]: Help! Help! Help!
265
00:10:18,952 --> 00:10:20,579
[audience cheering, applauding]
266
00:10:20,579 --> 00:10:22,331
ANNOUNCER:
Shirley will be right back
267
00:10:22,331 --> 00:10:24,708
after these Black
hair product commercials.
268
00:10:26,668 --> 00:10:27,711
♪ military music ♪
269
00:10:27,711 --> 00:10:30,756
MEL:
Previously on The Civil War...
270
00:10:32,049 --> 00:10:35,177
No more alcohol until the war is over.
271
00:10:35,177 --> 00:10:36,386
[angry growl]
272
00:10:36,386 --> 00:10:37,930
RT, come over here.
273
00:10:37,930 --> 00:10:39,765
There's my big, strong boy.
274
00:10:39,765 --> 00:10:42,392
You are ready to join me
on a top-secret mission.
275
00:10:42,392 --> 00:10:44,853
I will follow you
to the gates of hell, sir.
276
00:10:44,853 --> 00:10:47,523
It's worse than that, son.
We're going to West Virginia.
277
00:10:47,523 --> 00:10:48,982
No!
278
00:10:51,818 --> 00:10:54,446
♪ Western-style music ♪
279
00:10:54,446 --> 00:10:56,949
RT [whispering]: West Virginia
is so much worse than I thought.
280
00:10:58,200 --> 00:11:00,077
Good call on losing the uniforms, sir.
281
00:11:00,077 --> 00:11:01,662
[whispers]: Yeah, I know. I'm a general.
282
00:11:01,662 --> 00:11:03,705
This isn't my first secret mission.
283
00:11:03,705 --> 00:11:06,041
RT:
What is the secret mission, by the way?
284
00:11:06,041 --> 00:11:08,085
We'll go to that saloon over there
and have a quick drink.
285
00:11:08,085 --> 00:11:09,586
Just try to blend in.
RT: Yes, sir.
286
00:11:09,586 --> 00:11:11,129
[Southern accent]:
Howdy!
287
00:11:11,129 --> 00:11:13,632
- RT: Howdy!
- H-- Say it with a Southern accent!
288
00:11:13,632 --> 00:11:15,300
RT [Southern]: Howdy!
GRANT [Southern]: Howdy!
289
00:11:15,300 --> 00:11:17,678
- [Irish accent]: Howdy-do? [laughs]
- Not Irish!
290
00:11:17,678 --> 00:11:19,680
[car lock beeping]
Alright. And don't futz with the settings,
291
00:11:19,680 --> 00:11:21,598
please, thank you. Yeah.
292
00:11:21,598 --> 00:11:23,475
Now listen, RT.
293
00:11:23,475 --> 00:11:26,937
We gotta keep a low profile, okay?
These people don't like our kind.
294
00:11:26,937 --> 00:11:28,230
Sagittarius?
295
00:11:29,064 --> 00:11:30,649
- Yankees!
- Right.
296
00:11:30,649 --> 00:11:31,775
Of course, you're a Sagittarius.
297
00:11:31,775 --> 00:11:33,610
With Mercury in retrograde,
it all makes sense.
298
00:11:33,610 --> 00:11:35,571
Just listen to me. Okay, be cool,
299
00:11:35,571 --> 00:11:38,574
and if anything's out of order,
just split up, and I'll find you, okay?
300
00:11:38,574 --> 00:11:40,325
RT: Yes, sir.
GRANT: [sighs] Shit.
301
00:11:40,325 --> 00:11:42,202
♪ old timey piano ♪
302
00:11:42,202 --> 00:11:44,621
[saloon chatter]
303
00:11:44,621 --> 00:11:45,789
[chatter stops]
304
00:11:45,789 --> 00:11:48,125
[straining]
305
00:11:48,125 --> 00:11:49,877
[doors creaking]
306
00:11:49,877 --> 00:11:51,253
[groaning]
307
00:11:51,253 --> 00:11:53,046
[grunts]
Oh! Jesus!
308
00:11:53,046 --> 00:11:55,090
[mutters]: What was that?
309
00:11:55,090 --> 00:11:56,800
- [mutters]: You said split up.
- Not literally!
310
00:11:58,719 --> 00:11:59,720
[sighs]
311
00:12:00,804 --> 00:12:03,599
- Howdy! [laughs]
- Howdy.
312
00:12:03,599 --> 00:12:04,975
[chatter resumes]
GRANT: Howdy to you.
313
00:12:04,975 --> 00:12:06,602
Howdy, just here for a drink.
314
00:12:06,602 --> 00:12:07,769
♪ piano restarts ♪
315
00:12:07,769 --> 00:12:09,897
[deep voice]:
Howdy. [clears throat]
316
00:12:09,897 --> 00:12:11,899
[clearing throat]
317
00:12:11,899 --> 00:12:13,442
Hello, sir. I'd like one whiskey.
318
00:12:13,442 --> 00:12:15,235
Sir? Please? Hello!
319
00:12:15,235 --> 00:12:17,196
Okay, he looked me right in the eye.
320
00:12:17,196 --> 00:12:19,406
[whispers]: Okay, sir. General.
321
00:12:19,406 --> 00:12:20,908
I have a strategy.
322
00:12:20,908 --> 00:12:22,659
- I think if we wanna properly blend in...
- Yes.
323
00:12:22,659 --> 00:12:24,661
...that we should be able
to adopt new characters.
324
00:12:24,661 --> 00:12:26,038
- Okay. Yeah.
- Okay? So,
325
00:12:26,038 --> 00:12:29,082
I think I should be
Byron De La Étouffée,
326
00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:30,918
- prosperous tobacco magnate.
- Okay.
327
00:12:30,918 --> 00:12:33,003
You can be Mint Julep De La Étouffée,
328
00:12:33,003 --> 00:12:34,254
my son.
[annoyed grunt]
329
00:12:34,254 --> 00:12:35,881
Why would I be your son?
330
00:12:35,881 --> 00:12:37,633
In what universe does that make sense?
331
00:12:37,633 --> 00:12:39,384
I'm 20 years older than you.
332
00:12:40,052 --> 00:12:41,428
- Just an idea.
- It's a bad idea.
333
00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:42,971
- Okay.
- Okay, j-j-j-just sit here
334
00:12:42,971 --> 00:12:44,556
- and watch my back.
- Yes, sir.
335
00:12:44,556 --> 00:12:45,933
Come to papa.
336
00:12:45,933 --> 00:12:47,601
- That's what I've been waiting for.
- Buck up.
337
00:12:47,601 --> 00:12:51,063
What? What!? What are you--
You are a psychopath, sir.
338
00:12:51,063 --> 00:12:54,107
God, that is so weird. That's weird!
[RT clears throat]
339
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:55,734
MAN:
Oh, you think that's weird, huh?
340
00:12:55,734 --> 00:12:57,486
[chatter, music stops]
341
00:12:57,486 --> 00:12:58,904
♪
342
00:12:58,904 --> 00:13:00,364
You think that's weird?
343
00:13:00,364 --> 00:13:02,658
WOMAN:
Hoo, hoo, hoo! Yeah!
344
00:13:02,658 --> 00:13:04,493
♪ dramatic banjo ♪
345
00:13:04,493 --> 00:13:06,495
Hoo... wee!
346
00:13:06,495 --> 00:13:07,996
Mm, mm, mmm.
347
00:13:09,248 --> 00:13:11,124
I think you're weird.
348
00:13:13,502 --> 00:13:15,379
Who are you boys?
[spits]
349
00:13:15,379 --> 00:13:17,172
[Southern accent]:
I am Byron De La Étouffée,
350
00:13:17,172 --> 00:13:19,174
- and this is my s--
- [Southern accent]: Friend!
351
00:13:19,174 --> 00:13:22,010
Uh, we stopped in here to wet our whistles
and talk about
352
00:13:22,010 --> 00:13:24,346
- how much we love... cotton.
- Yes.
353
00:13:24,346 --> 00:13:25,973
We love it.
354
00:13:25,973 --> 00:13:29,518
The touch, the feel,
it is truly the fabric of our lives.
355
00:13:29,518 --> 00:13:31,562
♪
356
00:13:31,562 --> 00:13:33,897
Where are you boys from?
357
00:13:33,897 --> 00:13:36,984
Little town by yonder way called...
358
00:13:37,776 --> 00:13:39,278
Slaveburg.
359
00:13:40,362 --> 00:13:41,864
Slaveburg?
360
00:13:41,864 --> 00:13:43,657
I ain't never heard of no Slaveburg.
361
00:13:43,657 --> 00:13:45,534
♪ tense music ♪
362
00:13:45,534 --> 00:13:46,869
It's in Mississippi.
363
00:13:47,244 --> 00:13:49,997
- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...
- That checks out.
364
00:13:49,997 --> 00:13:51,748
That checks out.
WOMAN: We been there, we been there.
365
00:13:51,748 --> 00:13:53,417
Well, you two rebels,
366
00:13:53,417 --> 00:13:55,669
you must be very familiar with
the game we play around here.
367
00:13:55,669 --> 00:13:59,006
A game that, uh, well... [laughing]
[puts down spitoon]
368
00:13:59,006 --> 00:14:01,175
It always ends up with somebody getting
369
00:14:01,175 --> 00:14:03,177
carried out those doors.
370
00:14:03,177 --> 00:14:04,428
[whip crack]
371
00:14:04,428 --> 00:14:06,680
"Never Have I Ever."
[hawk screech]
372
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:08,974
[saloon cheering]
373
00:14:08,974 --> 00:14:11,310
♪ upbeat piano ♪
374
00:14:11,310 --> 00:14:12,519
[man laughing]
375
00:14:12,519 --> 00:14:14,313
Oh hello, daddy.
376
00:14:14,313 --> 00:14:16,648
- Hey! First rule!
- Ow!
377
00:14:16,648 --> 00:14:18,942
No drinking till we start.
378
00:14:18,942 --> 00:14:20,485
[giggling]
379
00:14:20,485 --> 00:14:23,071
[groans] Okay. [spits]
380
00:14:23,071 --> 00:14:24,531
Second rule!
381
00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:26,283
You only drink if you've done the thing
382
00:14:26,283 --> 00:14:28,493
that the person whose turn it is
said they've never done.
383
00:14:28,493 --> 00:14:30,120
FRIEND:
That's right.
384
00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:32,706
Till the man whose
turn it is takes a drink.
385
00:14:32,706 --> 00:14:34,791
Well then, I will go first,
and I wanna say--
386
00:14:34,791 --> 00:14:37,252
- Ow!
- No, no, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn!
387
00:14:37,252 --> 00:14:40,297
They only drink if no one's done the thing
they said they'd never did.
388
00:14:40,297 --> 00:14:42,341
I thought if a person said
they've never did the thing,
389
00:14:42,341 --> 00:14:44,134
they were lying, and therefore must drink.
390
00:14:44,134 --> 00:14:45,844
I actually think Glenn is correct--
391
00:14:45,844 --> 00:14:47,471
No, shut the fuck up, De La Étouffée!
392
00:14:47,471 --> 00:14:48,847
How many times we gon' go through this?
393
00:14:48,847 --> 00:14:50,933
Well, maybe you're bad at explaining it.
394
00:14:50,933 --> 00:14:53,268
Oh, let me get this straight, mister.
You're trying to say
395
00:14:53,268 --> 00:14:55,395
I don't know the rules of
"Never Have I Ever"?
396
00:14:55,395 --> 00:14:57,189
Maybe I am. What of it?
397
00:14:57,189 --> 00:15:00,192
[mumbling]: This the same reason
why you're not on my charades team.
398
00:15:00,192 --> 00:15:02,152
GLENN: Maybe no one understands
how to play the game
399
00:15:02,152 --> 00:15:04,613
'cause they can't understand
what the fuck you're saying!
400
00:15:04,613 --> 00:15:06,615
[incoherent angry mumbling]
GRANT: Okay, enough of this shit.
401
00:15:06,615 --> 00:15:09,034
How about this? Whiskey for everybody!
402
00:15:09,034 --> 00:15:11,703
[everyone cheering]
[old timey music returns]
403
00:15:11,703 --> 00:15:13,455
Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
404
00:15:13,455 --> 00:15:15,165
What in blue blazes
405
00:15:15,165 --> 00:15:17,668
you doin' with a dirty Union greenback?
406
00:15:18,335 --> 00:15:20,712
Uh... [awkward laugh]
407
00:15:20,712 --> 00:15:23,590
Well, I am a proud rebel
408
00:15:23,590 --> 00:15:26,134
who killed a Union soldier
409
00:15:26,134 --> 00:15:28,595
and took his money.
[crowd gasps]
410
00:15:29,221 --> 00:15:30,556
Then, why's your face on it?
411
00:15:30,556 --> 00:15:32,057
[crowd gasps]
412
00:15:33,058 --> 00:15:36,270
That could be anybody.
All white men with beards look alike, huh?
413
00:15:36,270 --> 00:15:37,312
What are you, racist?
414
00:15:38,063 --> 00:15:41,525
Yeah. That's pretty much our whole deal.
415
00:15:41,525 --> 00:15:43,485
We hate everything.
416
00:15:43,485 --> 00:15:46,446
People who turn classic movies
into TV shows.
417
00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:48,115
Boat owners.
418
00:15:48,115 --> 00:15:49,867
Sound effects.
GLENN: Redheads.
419
00:15:49,867 --> 00:15:52,536
- Deadheads!
- For-profit universities.
420
00:15:52,536 --> 00:15:54,371
Novelty license plates.
421
00:15:54,371 --> 00:15:56,582
Picking people up from the airport!
422
00:15:56,582 --> 00:15:57,833
But most of all...
423
00:15:57,833 --> 00:16:00,419
- [guns cocking]
- Alright.
424
00:16:00,419 --> 00:16:02,129
...Yankees.
[menacing Ozark harp]
425
00:16:02,129 --> 00:16:03,672
[Boston accent]:
Fuck Jeter!
426
00:16:03,672 --> 00:16:07,634
And you know what?
Fuck Tom Brady and his fuckin' Tampa Bay
427
00:16:07,634 --> 00:16:09,720
fuckin' wherever he is now.
428
00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:11,513
Get that fuckin' thing outta here!
What are you--
429
00:16:11,513 --> 00:16:14,433
[no accent]: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey...
We gotta finish the scene, dude.
430
00:16:14,433 --> 00:16:16,935
Oh, you wanna finish the scene?
Oh, I'm sorry, Your Highness.
431
00:16:16,935 --> 00:16:18,854
- Hollyweird!
- Just don't engage. Don't engage.
432
00:16:18,854 --> 00:16:21,982
Why don't you get LeBron to finish it?
Oh! He's injured!
433
00:16:21,982 --> 00:16:24,026
Yankees.
RED SOX FAN: Get a real basketball player
434
00:16:24,026 --> 00:16:25,652
like Larry fuckin' Bird.
[guns cocking]
435
00:16:30,407 --> 00:16:32,910
MEL:
The Mongolian Empire.
436
00:16:32,910 --> 00:16:35,871
♪ mystical music ♪
437
00:16:35,871 --> 00:16:39,458
In 1270, Marco Polo of Venice
438
00:16:39,458 --> 00:16:41,668
- travels the Silk Road...
- Marco Polo!
439
00:16:41,668 --> 00:16:44,588
MEL: ...to meet the most feared
emperor in the world,
440
00:16:44,588 --> 00:16:47,007
[doors shut]
the great Kublai Khan.
441
00:16:47,007 --> 00:16:48,717
Get down.
442
00:16:48,717 --> 00:16:49,927
Go!
443
00:16:49,927 --> 00:16:51,929
On my knee... [laughs]
Good. Let's do this.
444
00:16:51,929 --> 00:16:53,805
MEL:
If it goes well,
445
00:16:53,805 --> 00:16:56,433
trade between the East
and the West will finally open.
446
00:16:56,433 --> 00:16:58,393
[grunting, nervous laugh]
447
00:16:58,393 --> 00:17:02,064
And if not, Polo could be "no-mo."
448
00:17:02,064 --> 00:17:03,148
You may rise.
449
00:17:03,148 --> 00:17:06,443
Oh, thank heavens.
This was a little bit humiliating.
450
00:17:07,152 --> 00:17:09,196
What an honor to be here. Thank you.
451
00:17:09,196 --> 00:17:12,199
I bring you gifts as a gesture
of our friendship.
452
00:17:12,741 --> 00:17:13,742
Swag!
453
00:17:13,742 --> 00:17:15,327
♪
454
00:17:15,327 --> 00:17:16,995
We call this shit silk.
455
00:17:17,371 --> 00:17:19,623
[excited laugh] This is nice!
456
00:17:19,623 --> 00:17:21,166
[laughing]
What do you call what I'm feeling?
457
00:17:21,166 --> 00:17:22,584
What's the word for this?
458
00:17:22,584 --> 00:17:24,753
Silky.
MARCO POLO: Oh, yes!
459
00:17:24,753 --> 00:17:26,922
You know what?
If you put that right here,
460
00:17:26,922 --> 00:17:28,507
on, like, a nice suit?
461
00:17:28,507 --> 00:17:29,842
You'd never wait
for a table again in your life.
462
00:17:29,842 --> 00:17:32,177
Alright, Kublai's turn!
463
00:17:32,970 --> 00:17:35,013
Okay, so what do you have for me?
464
00:17:36,515 --> 00:17:37,766
MARCO:
Okay.
465
00:17:37,766 --> 00:17:39,893
So keep in mind, I've been on the road
for four and a half years,
466
00:17:39,893 --> 00:17:41,854
so there's a little bit
of wear and tear, right? [laughs]
467
00:17:41,854 --> 00:17:44,231
Okay, I got something great,
you're gonna freak out.
468
00:17:44,731 --> 00:17:45,941
Put your hand out.
469
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:50,112
I call this "shaky red." Shaky red, sir.
470
00:17:50,112 --> 00:17:51,864
What is shaky red?
471
00:17:51,864 --> 00:17:55,075
Hot peppers! That have been crushed.
I'd be a little careful.
472
00:17:55,075 --> 00:17:57,327
There's a little bit of sand in there. The...
473
00:17:57,327 --> 00:17:59,621
The bottle broke in the desert.
What do you honestly think?
474
00:17:59,621 --> 00:18:01,665
This is more of a pitch stage of the--
475
00:18:01,665 --> 00:18:03,333
[shaky red scattering]
476
00:18:03,333 --> 00:18:05,878
Okay, well do you have anything else?
To be frank, that was kinda shitty.
477
00:18:05,878 --> 00:18:07,713
For you? Yes. I have a goat
478
00:18:07,713 --> 00:18:10,132
that was blessed by the Pope himself!
479
00:18:10,132 --> 00:18:12,217
- Oh, what? The Pope?
- [laughs] Yeah!
480
00:18:12,217 --> 00:18:13,844
- [laughing]
- Oh man, I heard all about that guy.
481
00:18:13,844 --> 00:18:15,971
The Pope Goat.
Would love to meet this goat, where is it?
482
00:18:18,056 --> 00:18:19,641
MARCO:
Shit.
483
00:18:19,641 --> 00:18:21,435
It's right here!
484
00:18:21,435 --> 00:18:23,896
We had to eat the actual goat
a year and a half ago
485
00:18:23,896 --> 00:18:25,981
because we were starving to death,
486
00:18:25,981 --> 00:18:27,482
of course.
487
00:18:27,941 --> 00:18:30,068
- That's still blessed by...
- So,
488
00:18:30,068 --> 00:18:32,863
they tell me you have, like,
these scrolls of knowledge?
489
00:18:32,863 --> 00:18:35,032
I had to burn them,
obviously, to cook the goat,
490
00:18:35,032 --> 00:18:36,408
so it was a catch-22.
491
00:18:36,408 --> 00:18:39,119
So, are you saying you brought nothing
492
00:18:39,119 --> 00:18:41,705
- for the Great Khan?
- You know what I do have for you?
493
00:18:41,705 --> 00:18:43,999
- It's a game.
- What is this game?
494
00:18:46,627 --> 00:18:48,420
It's "Marco Polo."
495
00:18:48,420 --> 00:18:50,464
And the way that you play
is somebody closes their eyes,
496
00:18:50,464 --> 00:18:52,257
and th-they're looking for the other guy,
497
00:18:52,257 --> 00:18:55,219
and th-they're running around,
they say "Marco!"
498
00:18:55,219 --> 00:18:57,304
And the other guy says "Polo!"
499
00:18:57,304 --> 00:19:00,057
It's a load of fun!
It's better in a pool.
500
00:19:00,057 --> 00:19:01,183
You know what? Fuck this!
501
00:19:01,183 --> 00:19:03,560
All you brought me was some spicy sand
502
00:19:03,560 --> 00:19:05,604
and a dumbass game that you just made up?
503
00:19:05,604 --> 00:19:08,357
Please. It has been a crazy journey.
504
00:19:08,357 --> 00:19:10,150
There've been a lot of bumps on the road.
505
00:19:10,150 --> 00:19:11,985
Listen, Koobs, Koobs, hear me out.
506
00:19:11,985 --> 00:19:13,487
- Take him!
- Koobs, Koobs!
507
00:19:13,487 --> 00:19:14,738
- Stop calling me Koobs!
- No, no, no.
508
00:19:14,738 --> 00:19:16,615
Please don't do this. No!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, please!
509
00:19:16,615 --> 00:19:18,408
Burn this motherfucker alive!
510
00:19:18,408 --> 00:19:20,327
No, no, please don't burn me alive!
Don't burn me alive!
511
00:19:20,327 --> 00:19:22,329
- I wanna hear his guts popping!
- I'll do anything! No, no, no!
512
00:19:22,329 --> 00:19:26,041
I'll suck my own dick!
513
00:19:26,041 --> 00:19:27,543
[gasps] Please.
514
00:19:28,168 --> 00:19:29,169
[gasps]
515
00:19:29,169 --> 00:19:31,004
[panting]
516
00:19:31,004 --> 00:19:33,507
[laughing]
517
00:19:33,507 --> 00:19:34,716
We pranked you!
518
00:19:34,716 --> 00:19:36,426
You got Khan'd, bro!
519
00:19:36,426 --> 00:19:40,013
♪ Punk'd -style music ♪
520
00:19:40,013 --> 00:19:42,182
- What do you mean it's a prank?
- It's a prank!
521
00:19:42,182 --> 00:19:43,934
We've been trying to think
for the last four years
522
00:19:43,934 --> 00:19:46,562
of some way to get you, and we got you!
[nervous laughing]
523
00:19:46,562 --> 00:19:48,063
Check it out, check it out.
524
00:19:48,063 --> 00:19:50,357
We got hidden charcoal artists everywhere.
Look, we got one over here.
525
00:19:50,357 --> 00:19:52,067
- Ah?
- Wonderful.
526
00:19:52,067 --> 00:19:54,027
And look, we got one over here!
527
00:19:54,027 --> 00:19:55,737
He's got your depiction here, too!
528
00:19:55,737 --> 00:19:58,031
I was genuinely terrified for my life.
529
00:19:58,031 --> 00:20:00,242
♪ music continues ♪
530
00:20:00,242 --> 00:20:01,618
I'll suck my own dick!
531
00:20:01,618 --> 00:20:02,619
♪ fades out ♪
532
00:20:03,453 --> 00:20:04,830
♪ funk music ♪
533
00:20:04,830 --> 00:20:06,832
MEL:
Shirley Chisholm.
534
00:20:08,625 --> 00:20:10,711
ANNOUNCER:
Previously on Shirley...
535
00:20:10,711 --> 00:20:11,795
[dialing]
536
00:20:11,795 --> 00:20:13,380
Oh hello, Mr. President.
537
00:20:13,380 --> 00:20:15,299
[audience laughter]
Guess who's coming to dinner?
538
00:20:15,299 --> 00:20:16,341
Mr. Nixon,
539
00:20:16,341 --> 00:20:19,428
what an immaculate honor
to have you into my home.
540
00:20:19,428 --> 00:20:22,931
I invited my most charismatic
and only friend,
541
00:20:22,931 --> 00:20:24,600
Secretary of State Henry Kissinger.
542
00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:26,643
- [audience booing]
- I brought a bundt cake.
543
00:20:26,643 --> 00:20:29,938
♪ Ooo, ooo, Shirley! ♪
544
00:20:29,938 --> 00:20:32,524
[audience applauding, cheering]
545
00:20:32,524 --> 00:20:35,277
- Uh, Mother, will you be joining us?
- Uh, let's see.
546
00:20:35,277 --> 00:20:38,739
Have dinner with two warmongering hogs,
547
00:20:38,739 --> 00:20:42,117
[scattered laughter]
or drink my martini by myself?
548
00:20:42,117 --> 00:20:44,203
[audience laughing]
549
00:20:44,203 --> 00:20:45,871
That woman is enchanting.
550
00:20:45,871 --> 00:20:48,040
[audience cheering]
551
00:20:48,040 --> 00:20:50,292
The reason I asked you here,
Mr. President,
552
00:20:50,292 --> 00:20:53,712
is because I feel like
I'm not getting anything done in Congress.
553
00:20:53,712 --> 00:20:56,131
Why, yes, Shirley.
You see, ahem,
554
00:20:56,131 --> 00:20:57,966
Congress has no power.
555
00:20:57,966 --> 00:20:59,760
The only person
who can get anything done
556
00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:01,845
is the President of the United States.
557
00:21:01,845 --> 00:21:04,139
The Commander-in-Chief.
558
00:21:04,139 --> 00:21:06,099
The King of the Free World.
559
00:21:06,099 --> 00:21:08,769
The Imperator of the Galaxy.
560
00:21:08,769 --> 00:21:11,480
Easy, Dick, don't let
the cat out of the bag.
561
00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:13,065
[audience laughing]
562
00:21:13,065 --> 00:21:15,400
So you're saying that
the only way I can get stuff done
563
00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,444
is if I'm president?
564
00:21:17,444 --> 00:21:20,197
That's right, Shirley.
But, let's face it.
565
00:21:20,197 --> 00:21:21,490
That's not happening anytime soon.
566
00:21:21,490 --> 00:21:24,201
I mean, you're Black,
Shirley, and a woman.
567
00:21:25,035 --> 00:21:28,247
Well, Mr. Nixon, you've inspired me.
568
00:21:28,247 --> 00:21:29,665
Well, great.
569
00:21:30,374 --> 00:21:32,292
To run for president!
570
00:21:32,292 --> 00:21:34,711
[audience cheering]
[laughing]
571
00:21:34,711 --> 00:21:37,464
Well, Henry, it finally happened,
I never thought it would.
572
00:21:37,464 --> 00:21:39,049
A lady made me laugh.
573
00:21:39,049 --> 00:21:42,010
- [scattered boos]
- Unlike you, I am no joke.
574
00:21:42,010 --> 00:21:44,763
I am unbought and unbossed!
575
00:21:44,763 --> 00:21:46,849
- [audience cheering]
- Well!
576
00:21:46,849 --> 00:21:50,352
Miss Chisholm, we'll just see.
Good day.
577
00:21:50,352 --> 00:21:53,021
Now, Henry, let's return
to the White House.
578
00:21:53,021 --> 00:21:54,898
Your mother reminds me of a woman
579
00:21:54,898 --> 00:21:57,401
I met in Transylvania in 1403.
580
00:21:57,401 --> 00:21:58,610
Please give her my number.
581
00:21:58,610 --> 00:22:01,280
666-6666.
582
00:22:01,280 --> 00:22:03,866
[audience laughing]
[door shuts]
583
00:22:03,866 --> 00:22:07,244
So, looks like
I'm running for president.
584
00:22:07,244 --> 00:22:08,328
- [audience cheering]
- Shirley,
585
00:22:08,328 --> 00:22:10,122
I wish you would've
talked to me about this.
586
00:22:10,122 --> 00:22:11,373
That's a big decision.
587
00:22:11,373 --> 00:22:13,333
Conrad, it's a TV show.
588
00:22:13,333 --> 00:22:16,503
We have to move the story along
at a faster pace than real life.
589
00:22:16,503 --> 00:22:18,088
- [laughter]
- Hm.
590
00:22:18,088 --> 00:22:20,132
Like a workout montage?
591
00:22:20,132 --> 00:22:20,883
♪
592
00:22:20,883 --> 00:22:24,761
♪ Ooo, ooo, Shirley! ♪
593
00:22:29,141 --> 00:22:30,559
♪
594
00:22:30,559 --> 00:22:32,561
MEL:
Jesus Christ.
595
00:22:34,813 --> 00:22:38,442
Meanwhile, back in Jerusalem...
[insects chirping]
596
00:22:38,442 --> 00:22:42,112
♪ whimsical music ♪
597
00:22:42,112 --> 00:22:43,572
[restaurant chatter]
598
00:22:43,572 --> 00:22:46,950
Hey, barkeep? Two hot wines, please.
BARKEEP: Coming right up, boss.
599
00:22:48,035 --> 00:22:51,163
- [Luke sighs]
- So? What did we think about the show?
600
00:22:51,163 --> 00:22:53,457
Worst shit I have ever seen in my life.
601
00:22:53,457 --> 00:22:56,335
Right? Did you notice when
he was in the "hospital scene,"
602
00:22:56,335 --> 00:22:57,878
- he's in the bed?
- Yeah.
603
00:22:57,878 --> 00:22:59,213
He fell asleep, right?
604
00:22:59,213 --> 00:23:01,340
Was that acting
or was he really fuckin' sleeping?
605
00:23:01,340 --> 00:23:03,133
I don't know, but it's contagious
606
00:23:03,133 --> 00:23:05,344
- 'cause then I fall asleep.
- You gotta have intermission.
607
00:23:05,344 --> 00:23:06,970
People gotta get up and stretch their legs
608
00:23:06,970 --> 00:23:09,139
a-and go out and stand in
front of the fuckin' theater
609
00:23:09,139 --> 00:23:11,475
a-and smoke a hookah
or some shit like that.
610
00:23:11,475 --> 00:23:13,435
Peter thinks it's good.
He thinks this show is good.
611
00:23:13,435 --> 00:23:16,605
He thinks he's gonna tape this
for a Netfish special!
612
00:23:16,605 --> 00:23:18,982
If this was on Netfish,
I would cancel my subscription.
613
00:23:18,982 --> 00:23:21,318
Fuck yeah. Hey, I just can't believe
614
00:23:21,318 --> 00:23:23,278
that you're gonna betray Jesus tonight.
615
00:23:23,278 --> 00:23:27,157
What? I'm not gonna betray Jesus.
What are you talking about?
616
00:23:27,157 --> 00:23:28,742
Fuck me, what am I talking about?
You took the money!
617
00:23:28,742 --> 00:23:32,162
I had to take the money.
Peter made us pay for this one-man show.
618
00:23:32,162 --> 00:23:34,122
We're his friends.
We should be comped.
619
00:23:34,122 --> 00:23:38,335
And that is what the fuck
you call a betrayal!
620
00:23:38,335 --> 00:23:39,711
- MAN: Betrayal?
- What?
621
00:23:39,711 --> 00:23:41,672
Betrayal? Who are you gonna betray?
[shushing]
622
00:23:41,672 --> 00:23:43,590
No, what are you guys talking about?
623
00:23:43,590 --> 00:23:45,676
- Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.
- Who's getting betrayed?
624
00:23:45,676 --> 00:23:47,761
No, no, no,
there's no betrayal happening.
625
00:23:47,761 --> 00:23:49,596
- It's fine.
- Okay. So, what'd you think of the play?
626
00:23:49,596 --> 00:23:52,015
LUKE:
You were up there trying really hard.
627
00:23:52,015 --> 00:23:55,102
And the details about your family.
H-how your dad was a-- was a Galilean,
628
00:23:55,102 --> 00:23:58,772
a-and your mom was a Moabite?
A-and the fact that you had therapy?
629
00:23:58,772 --> 00:24:00,107
- Fucked me up.
- Thank you, man.
630
00:24:00,107 --> 00:24:02,109
- You see me. You see me.
- I saw you.
631
00:24:02,109 --> 00:24:04,194
- What'd you think, Judas?
- I think
632
00:24:04,194 --> 00:24:07,281
I didn't like to have to pay for tickets
to my friend's one-man show.
633
00:24:07,281 --> 00:24:10,701
Well, I'm sorry I didn't get comps.
What am I, a money lender?
634
00:24:10,701 --> 00:24:12,411
So, what'd you think of the show?
635
00:24:12,411 --> 00:24:14,788
Eh... Not for me.
636
00:24:14,788 --> 00:24:17,583
Well, Jesus loved it.
JUDAS: Please.
637
00:24:17,583 --> 00:24:19,418
Jesus loves everything.
The guy can't stop saying,
638
00:24:19,418 --> 00:24:21,795
"Oh, I love this."
He's just looking for followers.
639
00:24:21,795 --> 00:24:24,214
[laughs] Look at Jesus over there.
Look at him.
640
00:24:24,214 --> 00:24:26,008
Absolutely woofing down
641
00:24:26,008 --> 00:24:27,384
that bacon cheeseburger.
642
00:24:27,384 --> 00:24:29,928
PETER: Oh, it looks so good.
JUDAS: Bacon cheeseburger?
643
00:24:29,928 --> 00:24:31,638
Hold on, that's not kosher.
644
00:24:31,638 --> 00:24:33,891
Wait, none of the food here is kosher.
645
00:24:33,891 --> 00:24:35,809
PETER:
Oh please, let him sin.
646
00:24:35,809 --> 00:24:38,604
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
hold the fuckin' phones.
647
00:24:38,604 --> 00:24:41,648
Wait a minute, I just ate a bacon-wrapped
scallop and baby back ribs.
648
00:24:41,648 --> 00:24:44,234
You mean to tell me
none of this shit is kosher?
649
00:24:44,234 --> 00:24:46,236
You know what, I'm fuckin' livid!
650
00:24:46,236 --> 00:24:49,156
As a Jew, I'm livid!
651
00:24:49,156 --> 00:24:50,699
You know what? I'm gonna plotz!
652
00:24:50,699 --> 00:24:52,409
I can understand why you're pissed
653
00:24:52,409 --> 00:24:54,536
because something
is going on with this Jesus guy.
654
00:24:54,536 --> 00:24:57,039
He's trying to phase out his Judaism.
655
00:24:57,748 --> 00:24:59,291
- Really?
- Yeah!
656
00:24:59,291 --> 00:25:00,792
LUKE:
Yeah, that fool's up to somethin'.
657
00:25:00,792 --> 00:25:02,753
Yeah, I bet he's gonna
grow back his foreskin, too.
658
00:25:02,753 --> 00:25:04,963
What? You can grow back your foreskin?
659
00:25:04,963 --> 00:25:06,798
Fuck yeah, you can do that.
My cousin did that.
660
00:25:06,798 --> 00:25:08,509
He put a clothespin
on the tip of that shit.
661
00:25:08,509 --> 00:25:09,927
Oh, that's impossible.
662
00:25:09,927 --> 00:25:11,845
No, you gotta tie a string onto the thing,
663
00:25:11,845 --> 00:25:13,972
and then-- and then,
you got a weight down there,
664
00:25:13,972 --> 00:25:15,682
and the weight is gonna
pull the string off,
665
00:25:15,682 --> 00:25:17,267
and you have to sleep standing up.
666
00:25:17,267 --> 00:25:19,186
- Uh-huh.
- Not for me, baby. Not for me.
667
00:25:19,186 --> 00:25:21,647
- Oh, really? Not for you?
- Nope.
668
00:25:21,647 --> 00:25:24,274
LUKE: Lotta detail for an innocent man.
JUDAS: Wait, he's going to the bathroom.
669
00:25:24,274 --> 00:25:25,359
Do I do a foreskin check?
670
00:25:25,359 --> 00:25:28,529
- Should I go and get cockfirmation?
- Yeah. Oh yeah.
671
00:25:28,529 --> 00:25:30,447
Go in there and peep that pecker.
PETER: And find out
672
00:25:30,447 --> 00:25:33,742
- how he avoids peeing on the weight.
- Yeah.
673
00:25:33,742 --> 00:25:35,953
- Yeah, I've heard that it happens--
- Oh, you've heard that?
674
00:25:35,953 --> 00:25:38,747
No, I've read it in some scrolls! Yes!
JUDAS: Oh, you've read it in some scrolls?
675
00:25:38,747 --> 00:25:40,374
Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.
[door opens]
676
00:25:41,333 --> 00:25:44,044
[sighs] There he is! JC!
677
00:25:44,044 --> 00:25:46,171
Judas, hey.
Hey, I could swear to my dad
678
00:25:46,171 --> 00:25:47,673
- I locked that door.
- Oh, yeah?
679
00:25:47,673 --> 00:25:49,925
So, what'd you think of
Peter's one-man show?
680
00:25:49,925 --> 00:25:51,385
- [urinating]
- Yeah, I liked it, yeah.
681
00:25:51,385 --> 00:25:53,178
I mean, what's not to like?
I got free tickets, right?
682
00:25:53,178 --> 00:25:55,264
- Free ticket? Free.
- Yeah.
683
00:25:55,264 --> 00:25:56,974
Comped.
684
00:25:56,974 --> 00:25:58,392
[over-enunciated]:
Comped.
685
00:25:58,392 --> 00:25:59,768
What does "comped" stand for?
686
00:25:59,768 --> 00:26:01,311
- Complimentary.
- Complimentary!
687
00:26:01,979 --> 00:26:04,815
I wish I could be more complimentary
of Peter's one-man show.
688
00:26:04,815 --> 00:26:07,609
- [laughs]
- Judas. Judge not, lest you be judged.
689
00:26:09,027 --> 00:26:10,696
Not bad. You just come up with that?
690
00:26:10,696 --> 00:26:12,030
Eh... Thanks.
691
00:26:13,365 --> 00:26:16,118
♪ casual pensive music ♪
692
00:26:16,118 --> 00:26:19,496
[urinating]
[sighs]
693
00:26:19,496 --> 00:26:22,291
Whoa! Hey! Hot piss!
Judas, you're pissing on my feet!
694
00:26:22,291 --> 00:26:25,002
- What? No! What? No!
- Yes! Yes!
695
00:26:25,002 --> 00:26:27,171
- I was just checking!
- Checking what?
696
00:26:27,171 --> 00:26:28,672
Just to get cockfirmation!
697
00:26:28,672 --> 00:26:30,883
Judas, you pissed on my feet!
698
00:26:30,883 --> 00:26:32,885
I gotta go back to the party.
699
00:26:32,885 --> 00:26:34,469
No, you don't-- What-- You--
700
00:26:34,469 --> 00:26:35,637
- Judas.
- Ah, ah, ah!
701
00:26:35,637 --> 00:26:36,930
I know you hear me.
702
00:26:36,930 --> 00:26:38,223
[inhales, blows]
703
00:26:38,223 --> 00:26:39,433
Oh, you just gonna let the blower...
704
00:26:39,433 --> 00:26:41,852
He's gonna blow your hands for 30 seconds.
You're just not gonna look at me?
705
00:26:41,852 --> 00:26:43,520
I know you hear me! I am in your head!
706
00:26:43,520 --> 00:26:46,106
Sorry, I only have
big pieces of silver. Ah.
707
00:26:46,106 --> 00:26:47,566
JESUS: Judas!
PETER: Okay, so,
708
00:26:47,566 --> 00:26:49,318
what did you think of my accents?
709
00:26:49,318 --> 00:26:51,486
You didn't take me anywhere.
You gotta take someone somewhere--
710
00:26:51,486 --> 00:26:53,113
Gotta go, gotta go,
gotta go, gotta go...
711
00:26:53,113 --> 00:26:54,781
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Fuck you mean we gotta go?
712
00:26:54,781 --> 00:26:56,909
Judas! What the fuck?
713
00:26:56,909 --> 00:26:58,285
♪ dramatic music ♪
714
00:26:58,285 --> 00:27:01,371
You peed on my son's feet?
[crowd gasps]
715
00:27:01,371 --> 00:27:03,624
Mother Mary, may I explain?
716
00:27:03,624 --> 00:27:04,666
No, you may not!
717
00:27:04,666 --> 00:27:06,627
I did not not have sex
718
00:27:06,627 --> 00:27:09,213
and give birth in a dirty-ass manger
719
00:27:09,213 --> 00:27:13,008
for you to urinate on the Son of God!
720
00:27:13,008 --> 00:27:15,093
She thinks her son's God?
The mother's definitely Jewish.
721
00:27:15,093 --> 00:27:17,304
[forced laugh] Okay!
722
00:27:17,304 --> 00:27:20,057
I want you to get on your knees
723
00:27:20,057 --> 00:27:21,600
and wash his feet.
724
00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:24,269
- Ooh.
- I don't know.
725
00:27:24,269 --> 00:27:26,772
[laughs] You raggedy bitch.
726
00:27:26,772 --> 00:27:29,316
You want me to wash
the pee-pee off of his feet?
727
00:27:29,316 --> 00:27:30,901
- Yes.
- That's what you would like?
728
00:27:30,901 --> 00:27:32,861
I just wanna confirm,
so we're on the same page here.
729
00:27:32,861 --> 00:27:35,322
- Yes!
- Luke, what do you think?
730
00:27:35,322 --> 00:27:37,699
[quietly]:
If someone pissed on my fuckin ' sandals,
731
00:27:37,699 --> 00:27:38,992
they wipin' that shit off.
732
00:27:38,992 --> 00:27:40,536
JUDAS:
Okay, well, that's a betrayal.
733
00:27:40,536 --> 00:27:43,163
I mean, the guy lays hands on lepers,
734
00:27:43,163 --> 00:27:45,457
and you're worried about
a little pee-pee on his feet?
735
00:27:45,457 --> 00:27:48,168
You're really...
You're gonna make me do this?
736
00:27:48,168 --> 00:27:51,547
MAN: Do it already!
Enough with the talking!
737
00:27:51,547 --> 00:27:55,008
♪ whimsical music ♪
738
00:27:55,008 --> 00:27:56,510
It's just feet, they're gross.
739
00:27:56,510 --> 00:27:58,178
Do you guys like--
Anybody here like feet?
740
00:27:58,178 --> 00:28:01,139
Whatever the opposite
of a foot fetish is what I have!
741
00:28:01,139 --> 00:28:02,474
Hey, Jesus...
742
00:28:02,474 --> 00:28:05,602
I've sinned... I'm a sinner...
JESUS: Mm-hmm.
743
00:28:05,602 --> 00:28:07,104
I'm repenting...
744
00:28:07,104 --> 00:28:09,565
I don't wanna wash your feet...
745
00:28:09,565 --> 00:28:11,608
- [gentle cry]
- Rise, my son.
746
00:28:11,608 --> 00:28:12,901
- What?
- I forgive you.
747
00:28:12,901 --> 00:28:15,779
- MARY: Uh-uh!
- It's okay, Mama. It's okay.
748
00:28:15,779 --> 00:28:17,406
Take back your dirty fuckin' rag.
749
00:28:17,406 --> 00:28:19,950
This is my guy!
750
00:28:19,950 --> 00:28:21,535
Jesus!
751
00:28:21,535 --> 00:28:24,955
This guy, he's not even a guy!
This guy's a God! Come here!
752
00:28:24,955 --> 00:28:28,041
[loud kiss, laugh]
ROMAN: The kiss is a signal!
753
00:28:28,041 --> 00:28:30,085
That's Jesus! Get him!
JUDAS: What?
754
00:28:30,085 --> 00:28:31,128
JESUS:
Wait, what? No!
755
00:28:31,128 --> 00:28:33,380
- You betrayed me? Mom! Mom!
- No!
756
00:28:33,380 --> 00:28:35,007
Oh!
JESUS: Tell my story!
757
00:28:35,007 --> 00:28:38,177
Oh, it was Jesus you were gonna betray!
758
00:28:38,177 --> 00:28:40,137
- [crowd booing]
- No, this wasn't a betrayal kiss!
759
00:28:40,137 --> 00:28:43,223
No! This was a thank you kiss,
not a betrayal kiss!
760
00:28:43,223 --> 00:28:44,433
Luke! Luke!
761
00:28:44,433 --> 00:28:46,226
You're in trouble!
762
00:28:46,226 --> 00:28:47,769
No! Look at all these feet!
763
00:28:47,769 --> 00:28:51,106
[ Curb theme song playing]
Judas Iscariot, forever unclean!
764
00:28:51,106 --> 00:28:52,649
This is too much!
[crowd yelling]
765
00:28:53,567 --> 00:28:56,570
♪ Curb Your Enthusiasm theme
continues playing ♪
766
00:30:06,598 --> 00:30:08,684
- Who is this?
- It's your mama.
767
00:30:08,684 --> 00:30:11,103
If you are my mother,
what is your last name?
768
00:30:11,687 --> 00:30:13,856
- WATSON: Bell.
- It's my mother. That confirms it.
769
00:30:13,856 --> 00:30:16,692
NARRATOR: Tomorrow night,
the landmark event continues.
770
00:30:16,692 --> 00:30:18,861
What are we gonna do about Lenin?
771
00:30:18,861 --> 00:30:22,030
I serve sandwiches to Vladimir Lenin
and all of his comrades.
772
00:30:22,030 --> 00:30:24,533
I am losing my damn mind.
773
00:30:24,533 --> 00:30:26,785
Jesus Christ!
[clucks]
774
00:30:26,785 --> 00:30:30,080
- I've done a really interesting drawing.
- Don't they look like penises?
775
00:30:30,080 --> 00:30:32,749
- Whoa, someone wants
to sleep with their father.
- What?
56018
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