Original subtitles

Dear, oh, dear. Someone's been in the wars.

What's happened to you, matey?

Here, let me.

It's all right, Brian. We can manage.

Keep it elevated, no movement.

Painkillers every four hours.

He's been signed off for three weeks by the brewery.

I'm sorry, I've got to dash to my lessons now,

but I will be back first thing.

No need. We can manage.

Are you sure, love?

His nibs can be a very demanding patient.

I'm his wife.

This is my job.

All right.

But if you need anything - anything at all.

I'll call you.

My hero.

I fell in a pothole.

I think you've been brave.

I've been a pillock.

You haven't.

I want to be at work. And now you're stuck with me.

I don't mind.

I don't. Honestly.

I love looking after you.

# A clean-up woman is a woman who

# Gets all the love we girls leave behind

# The reason I know so much about her

# Is because she picked up a man of mine

# The clean-up woman will wipe his blues away

# She'll give him plenty lovin' 24 hours a day

# The clean-up woman, she'll sweep him off his feet

# She's the one who'll take him in when you dump him in the street

# So take a tip, you'd better get hip

# To the clean-up woman #.

Speed of service, 10.

Quality of service, 10.

Themed events and novelty items...

What?

I don't think you should do them fortune cookies again.

And I'm not sure the world was ready for Around the World in 80 Pasties.

Though the Galapagos ones were kind of special.

Why am I doing this anyway?

The lease is up on this place in a few months.

It's market research ahead of the new boss.

Ah, is that why you're looking so fabulous?

Oh, no. This is for Operation New Horizon.

What's Operation New Horizon?

So, by horizon you mean sex?

I mean true love, obviously.

I mean my soulmate, Danny. I'm not like you.

I can't just be all on my own. I just can't.

OK. Are these your matches? Yeah.

He's handsome.

Yeah, but cycle shorts. Why?

Hmm. OK.

Proud Dog Dad - he's got nice eyes.

I don't like Dobermans.

Troy looks fun.

There are two types of people in this world,

bum bag people and non-bum bag people.

The two can never mix romantically.

Just like double espresso people and non-double espresso people.

OK, well... Cycle Shorts Guy wins.

You should message Cycle Shorts Guy.

Yeah? OK.

Let's get you on an app, then we could do this together.

I'll, er, I'll pass, thanks.

Why not? It could be fun.

Mm...

Seriously, what are you so afraid of?

She's going to kill you.

But she's been dead on her feet all day.

Oh!

Why did you let me sleep?

Don't worry. I can check on Ralph.

No. You've finished work today.

It's fine.

No. I look after Ralph.

OK, you look after Ralph. But I'm seeing you home.

BABY CRIES

Oh, dear. Someone's busy.

Hello, Rosie. Where's your mum?

Rebecca's in London.

London? She went down last night for a hen weekend.

Muggins here volunteered to look after Rosie.

Only someone's replaced Rosie with the Babadook.

Hey, hey. What's wrong?

Not had a moment's rest or a wink of sleep.

I thought this would be easy and fun. But it's not easy or fun.

You need this more than I do. I've not touched it.

It's a double espresso. I bloody love a double espresso. Thanks.

You need to keep her moving.

That's what Rebecca said. But I've been round the park seven times.

With every lap, she gets more "angry pterodactyl".

Where's she going?

BABY IS SILENT

Oh, thank God.

You're magic, Katie.

And your house is magic.

It's an oasis of calm.

It's a great shirt that. I like the asymmetrical...

Carrot puree.

How can this be so hard?

All babies do is sleep, poo and eat. On rotation.

How can something so boring be so exhausting?

I've been feeling like a prisoner in my own home. Can you imagine?

DOORBELL RINGS

I've got it, I've got it, I've got it.

Arnica.

Hi. Hi, Brian.

For the patient.

It alleviates bruising and swelling.

Just apply a thin layer and massage into the skin.

I'll admit, I was a sceptic at first.

Thought it was all a bit hocus pocus, y'know?

But - oof! - it has done wonders on the aggressive gout

in my left big toe.

Er, that's erm...

That's really thoughtful. Thanks, Brian.

And you're aware, are you, there's a baby in the garden?

Yeah. It's all good, mate.

She's erm, she's having her afternoon nap, yeah.

Thanks, Brian. Bye.

What are you doing?

Every time I touch food, Rosie wakes up.

It's like she knows.

How are we going to tell Rebecca her baby's been demonically possessed?

How long's she been asleep for?

20 minutes maybe.

I reckon you'll be OK.

SPEAKER RINGS

This is a reminder.

Katie, it's time for you to get Ralph a beer.

I should never have taught him how to set that thing. sorry.

Go on - grab one, quick.

DOORBELL RINGS

We phoned the house this morning.

Danny told us about Ralph. We've come to lend a hand.

Hello, love.

I'm fine. I don't need a hand.

Sweetheart, you haven't replied to the family WhatsApp in four days.

That's a clear cry for help.

Afternoon, Ralph. Mustn't nap in the day.

It'll mess with your natural sleep cycles.

Mum, shush!

Let me get those cushions.

I'll tell you what you need. What?

Sandwiches.

Mum! Shush!

Katie, why do you keep shushing me?

BABY CRIES

Oh, no!

So, why precisely are we looking after a baby?

It's not my baby.

Well, whose baby, is it? Rosemary's baby.

It's Tom's baby?

It's Rebecca's baby.

I'm looking after her for the weekend. Oh.

Well, you need a new nappy, don't you?

Yes, you do. That's what you need.

SPEAKER RINGS

This is a reminder.

Katie, it's time to give Ralph a big, smoochy kiss.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Romantic?

I'll do it, Mrs Thorne. The nappy.

Clare, please. And don't worry, Tom.

You should rest. I'll take care of it.

Steve, clear the table. Katie, fetch me the Marigolds.

Nappy. Oh, it's everywhere.

Steve! Ugh! A clean nappy.

Oh, me back! Steve!

Families, eh?

My nan always says you can't choose your family,

but you can ignore their phone calls.

Smart woman.

I remember her picking you up from school in her red hat.

She seemed fun.

Yeah. Yeah, she's great.

She used to take me with her every time she got get her hair done.

Oh, my God! Trevor the hairdresser. What an icon.

And his parrot... Veronica!

God rest her soul. That parrot could sing Miss Saigon.

I really wanted a bright blue parrot. Me, too!

How's, er... How's Mike?

Who's Mike?

That...that guy from the Valentine's thing. Are you not?

You mean Mick. Mick! Sorry. Of course. Mick.

Yeah, Mick's really well, thanks.

Great. That's great.

What about you? You dating?

Er, no. I'm actually, er...

..taking time out to actively explore solitude.

Oh? Yeah.

Yeah, in Manchester I was always with someone.

You know?

Now that I'm here, I've decided to practise constructive celibacy.

That sounds great.

Yeah, it is great.

Really is.

Hmm.

Eh? Global warming for you, eh?

Ah! Yeah!

I'm Brian. The neighbour.

I'm Katie's dad, Steve.

Are you here about Moses in the bullrushes?

The unattended baby.

Oh, right.

I wasn't sure whether I ought to intervene.

It's not straightforward though, is it?

There's no rule book, is there?

Yeah. Well, thanks but you'll have to excuse me.

I'm holding a warm bag of shit. So...

You're not local, then?

Just a short drive away.

You must worry.

About her being here. You know?

Independent.

Without you.

I learned very early on, when Katie wants something,

best not to stand in her way.

So what about you, Brian?

Any kids? Grandkids?

Sorry, Steve. Baked potato on the go in there.

I'd better get back to it before it's a Fire Brigade job.

Why don't you go get your pyjamas on? Or run yourself a bath?

I don't want one.

How about a nice sit down in the bedroom?

Put your feet up. We can stay all evening if you like.

I'll make supper.

Please don't. There's no need.

DOORBELL RINGS

I'll get it.

Oh, hello.

We just popped round to give Katie a hand with Ralph.

Did you, now?

Hi, Mum.

Louise.

Thought you might need a break or want a bit of help.

But it seems you've got all the help you could possibly need.

No.

SPEAKER RINGS

This is a reminder.

Katie, it's time for you to give Ralph kinky sex.

I do need a break.

I need a break from all of you!

No, Clare. We need you here. To look after the baby.

Do you want to talk about it?

Does Mick want kids?

Are you trying to change the subject?

Well, if he does, I'm fucked.

Are you going to marry Mick?

I don't know.

He pronounces tissues "TISS-ues".

But, apart from that, you know, he's great.

Perfect.

I want to be a dad. I've always pictured it for myself.

I never imagined the biggest challenge is that

I'd be no bloody good at it.

I think you'd be a great dad.

You're just tired.

Feeling tired is not a reason to give up.

It's a reason to rest.

You need a rest.

Thank you, Doctor.

You're welcome.

You're very wise. Yes, I am!

She didn't invite you, did she?

No. But I knew she needed me.

My radar pinged.

Katie isn't like Ralph. She doesn't ask for help.

I have to intuit her emotional needs.

Last time I intuited one of Ralph's emotional needs,

turned out I just had gallstones.

My radar's been on the blink since the late '90s.

Give it here.

From the moment Katie was born,

I knew I was going to have to be a different kind of mum.

No idea what I was doing.

Just knew I had to do it differently. Yeah.

When Katie came out, she looked like she'd just been to a hair salon.

Her hair had these frosted tips.

Then I noticed none of the nurses would pick her up.

Then the doctor came into the ward one evening

and said, "Are you happy with this child?"

"Are you happy with the shape of her eyes?"

"She's quite floppy, isn't she?"

All this with the four other new mums on the ward listening in.

Charming.

I imagine it was the same for you.

With Ralph.

I don't want to feel alone.

That's why I helped set up the local support group.

And the phone line.

They were life-savers for me.

Oh, I never really went in for any of that sort of thing.

Really? Why?

I didn't understand why, just because two women

have babies with Down's syndrome, that means they automatically

have to be best friends.

Do you want to feed her or shall I?

How do you know if you're doing it right?

Doing what right?

Looking after someone. Being a wife.

Depends what you mean by right.

Everyone's got different versions of right.

I mean, your mum...

She does everything for everyone, doesn't she? Yes!

Never stops. Never asks for help.

Yes!

Takes over, even when no-one asks her to.

Yes!

Is that what you mean by "right"?

Because there is another way, you know.

Oh?

What's that?

Your way.

What's my way?

Wonderful.

Fuck the rest of 'em, darling.

In the end, you can only do it your way.

You do know you don't have to get everything right first time?

Yeah. But I like to.

Shall we head back to the oasis of calm?

Do we have to?

SQUEAKS

Where is everybody?

Did you murder them?

Buried them in the garden.

My hero.

Send you packing as well, did they?

I think I might have deserved it this time, Brian.

If you were on a date with a guy

and you realised you didn't fancy him,

what would you say to get out of it?

Sausage bap, please.

Look, here's my list...

Erm... Unforeseen food allergy, pet bereavement,

say he looks too much like my brother?

Hang on, how come you're on a date with a bloke you don't fancy?

Well, I'm not.

I don't know that I don't fancy him yet.

How about you just say, "I'm sorry, I've realised this isn't

"going to work out and I don't want to waste any more of

"your time or mine?"

It was much simpler in my day.

We didn't mess about with dates.

One minute you were snogging a pimply lad

at an Elvis Costello concert, the next, you were at the altar.

I still can't listen to Oliver's Army without getting

the distinct feeling I've been conned.

Must be strange, being out there again.

After all that time with Gary.

I haven't been on a first date since I was 15.

Oh, God, what if it's him who tries to find an excuse to leave?

Then just smile, wave him off and make sure

he pays for the drinks before he goes.

Just enjoy yourself. Take your time.

You'll find what you're looking for in the end.

Or maybe you won't, you'll end up divorced in your 30s, like me.

What about you, Brian, ever gone big on the dating scene?

Never.

Can I have more water for my teabag?

If you want a quick escape, you could always tell him

you're expecting a delivery of ericaceous compost.

That's a good one. Thanks.

Thank you.

How's Katie? Is she doing all right?

I'm sure she'll be just fine. Good luck.

I thought I might pop round to see Katie later.

I'll report back if you like.

I'd leave them for tonight, Brian.

Yeah.

Let's tuck you in here. There we go.

You're good at this. Oh, nobody's good at this. Not really.

You are. I'm just practised. Younger siblings.

Largely absent mum. I'm acclimatised to chaos.

Oh, before I forget...

I put some stain remover on it. It's too good to lose.

Are you going to be OK tonight?

Yeah. You were right. I was overthinking it.

I just need some sleep.

Mick's offered to come round later, thank God.

Great to see you guys.

Catch you later.

Yeah. Bye, mate.

Do you want me to go round to Mick's place and beat him up?

Right. Well, take it easy, guys.

Thank you for all your help today.

Pleasure, Treasure. It was nothing.

It was fun. See you.

Is that Emma?

Who is she with?

Are those cycle shorts?

TV PLAYS

I don't want to look after you the way that my mum looks after me.

I don't want that either.

Thank God for that.

SPEAKER RINGS

This is a reminder.

Ralph, now that you can walk, it's your turn to make the tea.

Taught myself.

Right. I'm going to unplug her. Don't you dare!

Tea.