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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
1
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It's June 6th, 1944.
2
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D-Day.
3
00:00:06,942 --> 00:00:10,988
The Allied forces storm
the beaches of Normandy.
4
00:00:13,615 --> 00:00:17,286
Boys, we're gonna be storming
Omaha Beach in a couple minutes.
5
00:00:17,286 --> 00:00:18,370
Be steady.
6
00:00:18,370 --> 00:00:20,247
It's time to find out
what you're all made of.
7
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Oh God.
8
00:00:22,708 --> 00:00:25,002
Oh. Just barfed in the
corner over here, sir!
9
00:00:25,002 --> 00:00:28,755
Well, just try and keep
it out the boat, okay?
10
00:00:30,215 --> 00:00:32,383
Private Tully, get a
grip on your nerves!
11
00:00:32,383 --> 00:00:34,428
It's not nerves, sir.
12
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I get seasick.
13
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Well, just keep your eyes on the
horizon. That goes for everyone.
14
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Don't tell me you're
seasick too, Johnson.
15
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No, sir!
16
00:00:43,979 --> 00:00:45,357
I think I just went a little too hard
17
00:00:45,358 --> 00:00:47,107
on the paté at dinner last night, sir.
18
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What? They didn't
serve paté in the mess.
19
00:00:50,486 --> 00:00:51,862
Did you go AWOL last night?
20
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Yeah.
21
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Did any of you join him?
22
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I did, sir! Ah.
23
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I had a lot of oysters,
24
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and now that I think about
it, they were pretty warm.
25
00:01:04,458 --> 00:01:06,627
Y'all defied orders and
went to a restaurant?
26
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Sir, we're in Europe,
27
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and we just thought if it
was gonna be our last meal,
28
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that it should be someplace special.
29
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We found this adorable little pub.
30
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Oh God!
31
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Private Martinez, you go
to this little dinner, too?
32
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No, sir, I wasn't invited,
sir! And to be honest,
33
00:01:23,310 --> 00:01:25,270
it's kinda hurtful to
find out in this manner.
34
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- Sorry, man.
- Then, why the hell are you yakking then?
35
00:01:27,940 --> 00:01:29,858
I have a hair-trigger gag reflex, sir.
36
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If I see somebody puke,
I'm puking right away.
37
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Private Bryant, report!
38
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- Share!
- I'm fine!
39
00:01:36,740 --> 00:01:39,535
- That's a direct order!
- I don't wanna talk about it!
40
00:01:39,535 --> 00:01:41,411
He's not fine, sir.
41
00:01:41,411 --> 00:01:43,372
He's been this way since basic.
42
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Always after meals,
if you catch my drift.
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So what do I do here?
44
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I-I don't know. Tell him
he looks good in any size?
45
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Or maybe don't talk about
his body at all, sir.
46
00:01:53,924 --> 00:01:56,468
Private Cooper, what is
your major malfunction?
47
00:01:56,468 --> 00:01:59,429
Sorry, sir. I'm just
a straight-up coward.
48
00:02:00,931 --> 00:02:02,349
I'm afraid of sharks.
49
00:02:02,349 --> 00:02:04,309
Hair-trigger, sir.
50
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Enough!
51
00:02:06,019 --> 00:02:08,188
No more vomit!
52
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Now, we are about to embark on
the biggest military campaign
53
00:02:11,316 --> 00:02:13,610
in the history of the world part two!
54
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And I need you to just...
55
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Captain, are you okay?
56
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No.
57
00:02:21,410 --> 00:02:23,662
- I just shit my dang pants.
- Oh, no.
58
00:02:31,295 --> 00:02:33,005
Save it for the Nazis!
59
00:02:41,221 --> 00:02:44,224
History of the World, Part II!
60
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The Story of Jesus.
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Mm. Mm.
62
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Mm. Delicious.
63
00:03:18,884 --> 00:03:21,303
Luke, there it is!
64
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- Judas, what's goin' down?
- How you doin', man?
65
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Man, I had to get me
something in my belly, man.
66
00:03:25,349 --> 00:03:26,850
You know that last supper wasn't shit.
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Didn't hit anything for me.
68
00:03:28,936 --> 00:03:30,479
Yeah. More like a Last Snack, right?
69
00:03:31,146 --> 00:03:33,816
Nothin' worse than goin'
somewhere for a meal,
70
00:03:33,816 --> 00:03:35,651
and you gotta come the
fuck home and eat again.
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It's like, what's the point?
I could've just stayed home.
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- What's the fuckin' point?
- I know.
73
00:03:38,946 --> 00:03:41,532
Jesus invites us over
for dinner, and then what?
74
00:03:41,532 --> 00:03:44,618
It's like a bunch of small medi
plates? One lamb meatball as an entrée?
75
00:03:44,618 --> 00:03:47,121
If you're gonna gimme one meatball,
it better be a big-ass meatball.
76
00:03:47,121 --> 00:03:49,498
If it's not bigger than
my head, I don't want it.
77
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- Look, I don't wanna complain.
- Can't hate on Jesus.
78
00:03:51,917 --> 00:03:54,294
I can't hate on Jesus.
I love being a disciple.
79
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But you go to one of these dinners,
80
00:03:56,505 --> 00:03:58,173
there's 11 other guys there
81
00:03:58,173 --> 00:04:00,634
who got plans that
they want you to attend.
82
00:04:00,634 --> 00:04:02,678
- Did Peter corner you?
- Of course, he did.
83
00:04:02,678 --> 00:04:04,138
"You coming to my one-man show?"
84
00:04:04,138 --> 00:04:05,681
One-man fuckin' show, that's the worst!
85
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With a one-man show,
you don't get the chance
86
00:04:07,224 --> 00:04:08,725
to see other people,
other actors, and shit.
87
00:04:08,725 --> 00:04:10,519
You sitting there like,
"This motherfucka again?"
88
00:04:10,519 --> 00:04:11,979
- I know.
- This motherfucka again?
89
00:04:11,979 --> 00:04:13,063
- I know.
- Ain't never leave!
90
00:04:13,063 --> 00:04:14,690
So he's always gonna be
"this motherfucka again!"
91
00:04:14,690 --> 00:04:17,025
I know. I feel gross after
that dinner. Do you know why?
92
00:04:17,025 --> 00:04:18,986
- Why?
- All that feet washing.
93
00:04:18,986 --> 00:04:21,238
Why is everybody washing
feet all the time?
94
00:04:21,238 --> 00:04:23,449
Why is Jesus obsessed with washing feet?
95
00:04:23,449 --> 00:04:24,658
- I don't like it.
- It's unsanitary!
96
00:04:24,658 --> 00:04:26,785
- It's unsanitary. Thank you!
- That's what it is.
97
00:04:26,785 --> 00:04:29,121
Thank you. I just don't like feet.
98
00:04:29,121 --> 00:04:31,957
I don't wanna wash 'em.
I don't wanna look at 'em.
99
00:04:31,957 --> 00:04:33,333
I... don't like feet.
100
00:04:33,333 --> 00:04:34,835
- Oh, man.
- You like feet?
101
00:04:34,835 --> 00:04:36,712
- I make love to a fuckin' foot.
- Really?
102
00:04:36,712 --> 00:04:38,255
Oh, man. Well, two feet.
103
00:04:38,255 --> 00:04:40,215
- See, you're sitting in a yoga pose...
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.
104
00:04:40,215 --> 00:04:42,885
... you put both feet together,
so that you create this.
105
00:04:42,885 --> 00:04:43,927
Oh, okay.
106
00:04:43,927 --> 00:04:45,471
Put a little lubricant
in that motherfucka,
107
00:04:45,471 --> 00:04:47,473
and break them feet off. Break 'em off.
108
00:04:47,473 --> 00:04:49,266
Get the party started.
You break your way up.
109
00:04:50,684 --> 00:04:52,811
What is this? Who knocks at this hour?
110
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That's why we put
blood on the door frame!
111
00:04:56,064 --> 00:04:58,525
So you could pass over us!
112
00:04:58,525 --> 00:04:59,943
See? Pass over!
113
00:05:01,862 --> 00:05:03,655
- Huh?
- Uh-oh. It's the Ro-Ro.
114
00:05:03,655 --> 00:05:05,073
Roman soldiers?
115
00:05:05,073 --> 00:05:07,159
What are they doing here at this hour?
116
00:05:09,828 --> 00:05:10,828
Judas Iscariot?
117
00:05:11,455 --> 00:05:14,041
- Nope, don't think he's, uh...
- Right here.
118
00:05:14,041 --> 00:05:15,375
The fuck are you doing, man?
119
00:05:15,375 --> 00:05:16,919
Not gonna stand here and get profiled.
120
00:05:16,919 --> 00:05:18,545
I'm gonna cut straight to the chase.
121
00:05:18,545 --> 00:05:20,290
We've gotta arrest this Jesus character.
122
00:05:20,291 --> 00:05:21,465
He is a danger to the community.
123
00:05:21,465 --> 00:05:24,676
Whoa, whoa, h-hold the
fuck up, Mr. Rooster Helmet.
124
00:05:24,676 --> 00:05:25,676
Cock-a-doodle-doo.
125
00:05:25,677 --> 00:05:27,137
I don't know what the fuck
you talking about right now,
126
00:05:27,137 --> 00:05:29,389
but Jesus is all about the peace.
127
00:05:29,389 --> 00:05:31,642
Peace and love. He's
all about peace and love.
128
00:05:31,642 --> 00:05:33,977
Judas, we know you
were at the Last Supper.
129
00:05:33,977 --> 00:05:36,271
Everyone knows you're
the most weaselly apostle.
130
00:05:36,271 --> 00:05:37,731
That feels antisemitic.
131
00:05:37,731 --> 00:05:39,942
What we don't know is
what this Jesus looks like.
132
00:05:39,942 --> 00:05:41,693
Now, you identify him for us,
133
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and you will be richly compensated.
134
00:05:44,196 --> 00:05:45,614
Richly compensated?
135
00:05:46,907 --> 00:05:47,908
Uh-huh.
136
00:05:49,535 --> 00:05:51,120
Hm...
137
00:05:51,120 --> 00:05:53,664
Eh? Mm-hmm?
138
00:05:55,582 --> 00:05:56,625
Hm.
139
00:05:58,252 --> 00:05:59,294
Eh?
140
00:06:00,337 --> 00:06:01,922
Okay, well...
141
00:06:01,922 --> 00:06:03,924
if I were to do it, and
I'm not saying I would...
142
00:06:03,924 --> 00:06:06,093
- Hypothetically speaking, of course.
- Hypothetically speaking,
143
00:06:06,093 --> 00:06:07,678
if I were to do it...
144
00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:10,389
I mean, what would be in it for me?
145
00:06:10,389 --> 00:06:12,307
Thirty pieces of silver.
146
00:06:12,307 --> 00:06:14,351
Thirty pieces of silver?
147
00:06:14,351 --> 00:06:15,769
Mm...
148
00:06:17,020 --> 00:06:19,606
I mean, I'm not gonna...
I'm not gonna do it.
149
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Jesus is a good friend.
He's a good friend of ours.
150
00:06:21,275 --> 00:06:23,360
- Right.
- But, if I were to do it,
151
00:06:23,360 --> 00:06:25,028
how would I even identify him?
152
00:06:25,028 --> 00:06:26,572
You're the weasel. You tell me.
153
00:06:26,572 --> 00:06:28,949
Hey. Maybe slap him on the ass.
154
00:06:28,949 --> 00:06:30,617
- Slap him on the ass?
- Yeah!
155
00:06:30,617 --> 00:06:32,661
Why don't I just give him a
big fat kiss while I'm at it?
156
00:06:32,661 --> 00:06:34,288
Oh! That could work, yeah.
157
00:06:34,288 --> 00:06:36,582
- What?
- Yeah. You give him a kiss,
158
00:06:36,582 --> 00:06:38,000
we swoop in... Gimme your hand.
159
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:39,751
We swoop in and arrest him.
160
00:06:40,878 --> 00:06:42,838
Soldiers, march!
161
00:06:42,838 --> 00:06:45,340
Keep marching a hole in the left!
162
00:06:45,340 --> 00:06:46,675
Keep marching a hole in the right...
163
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Know what you can do
with 30 pieces of silver?
164
00:06:48,302 --> 00:06:49,303
What?
165
00:06:49,303 --> 00:06:51,180
Buy one big-ass meatball.
166
00:06:52,347 --> 00:06:54,933
- We would have a nice dinner, wouldn't we?
- Fuckin' right.
167
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Shirley Chisholm.
168
00:07:05,694 --> 00:07:08,489
In 1968, Shirley Chisholm
169
00:07:08,489 --> 00:07:10,449
became the first Black woman
170
00:07:10,449 --> 00:07:13,035
elected to the United States Congress,
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00:07:13,035 --> 00:07:16,747
serving Brooklyn, the
home of me, and Jay-Z.
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00:07:16,747 --> 00:07:18,999
Brooklyn represent, represent!
173
00:07:18,999 --> 00:07:20,709
I don't know what that means.
174
00:07:20,709 --> 00:07:23,378
Anyway, four years later,
she ran for president,
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00:07:23,378 --> 00:07:25,589
and this is that story.
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00:07:25,589 --> 00:07:27,007
With a laugh track!
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00:07:29,384 --> 00:07:32,679
♪ From Barbados to
Brooklyn, then to DC ♪
178
00:07:32,679 --> 00:07:35,015
♪ She's the first Black congresswoman ♪
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00:07:35,015 --> 00:07:37,518
♪ She's Shirley, it's
been a long, hard road ♪
180
00:07:37,518 --> 00:07:39,186
♪ But hope was never lost ♪
181
00:07:39,186 --> 00:07:43,107
♪ 'Cause that girl Shirley's
unbought and unbossed ♪
182
00:07:43,107 --> 00:07:45,776
♪ Ooo, ooo, "Shirley!" ♪
183
00:07:47,945 --> 00:07:49,154
Shirley is brought to you
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00:07:49,154 --> 00:07:51,990
by the actual presidential
candidate, Shirley Chisholm,
185
00:07:51,990 --> 00:07:55,285
and filmed in front of
a live Black audience.
186
00:08:01,125 --> 00:08:04,128
How's my favorite first
Black congresswoman?
187
00:08:04,128 --> 00:08:05,796
She's terrible.
188
00:08:05,796 --> 00:08:07,256
Nothing gets done in Congress,
189
00:08:07,256 --> 00:08:09,299
except for me getting screwed.
190
00:08:11,969 --> 00:08:13,887
And speaking of getting screwed,
191
00:08:13,887 --> 00:08:15,973
how's my favorite dick?
192
00:08:15,973 --> 00:08:18,684
Did you solve the case of
the missing circus elephant?
193
00:08:18,684 --> 00:08:20,394
Heh, sure did. Turns out,
194
00:08:20,394 --> 00:08:23,105
it was the evil Ringling
Brother, Ding-A-Ling.
195
00:08:28,902 --> 00:08:30,654
I always thought of you as a clown.
196
00:08:30,654 --> 00:08:34,158
I guess now, my eyes have
caught up with my brain.
197
00:08:39,746 --> 00:08:41,415
Ha, ha!
198
00:08:41,415 --> 00:08:43,041
Florynce Kennedy,
199
00:08:43,041 --> 00:08:45,711
why do you insist on
coming through my window?
200
00:08:45,711 --> 00:08:47,421
Because you won't gimme a key.
201
00:08:49,715 --> 00:08:51,175
So, what were y'all talking about?
202
00:08:51,175 --> 00:08:54,386
Oh, just how I'm fed
up with Congress is all.
203
00:08:54,386 --> 00:08:57,890
You know, I wanna work on the problems
of my constituents in Brooklyn.
204
00:08:57,890 --> 00:09:00,809
You know, healthcare, education,
205
00:09:00,809 --> 00:09:02,770
tickets to Marvin Gaye.
206
00:09:02,770 --> 00:09:04,563
As your chief advisor,
207
00:09:04,563 --> 00:09:07,065
you got to take this to the tippity-top!
208
00:09:08,275 --> 00:09:09,860
Harry Belafonte?
209
00:09:11,862 --> 00:09:14,656
No. To the president.
210
00:09:14,656 --> 00:09:17,117
You want me to call President Nixon?
211
00:09:17,117 --> 00:09:19,536
Well, there are a few
things I'd like to call him,
212
00:09:19,536 --> 00:09:21,371
but they wouldn't clear
standards and practices.
213
00:09:22,956 --> 00:09:24,958
You know what? Maybe I will.
214
00:09:30,798 --> 00:09:32,800
Hello, is this the White House?
215
00:09:32,800 --> 00:09:35,052
This is Congresswoman Shirley Chisholm,
216
00:09:35,052 --> 00:09:38,514
and I would like to speak
with President Nixon, please.
217
00:09:38,514 --> 00:09:40,682
Oh hello, Mr. President.
218
00:09:40,682 --> 00:09:44,144
I didn't realize that you
answered your own phone.
219
00:09:44,144 --> 00:09:46,730
How... very not paranoid of you, sir.
220
00:09:49,775 --> 00:09:51,985
Yes. Uh-huh.
221
00:09:51,985 --> 00:09:53,654
Tonight?
222
00:09:53,654 --> 00:09:55,280
7:30?
223
00:09:55,280 --> 00:09:56,865
My place?
224
00:09:56,865 --> 00:09:58,617
Nothing too ethnic.
225
00:09:58,617 --> 00:10:01,245
Yes! I can do that.
226
00:10:01,245 --> 00:10:02,496
Thank you.
227
00:10:04,915 --> 00:10:07,000
Guess who's coming to dinner?
228
00:10:07,000 --> 00:10:08,710
Will you two
229
00:10:08,710 --> 00:10:10,754
stop playing around and
help me get dinner ready?
230
00:10:15,467 --> 00:10:18,887
Help! Help! Help!
231
00:10:20,514 --> 00:10:22,266
Shirley will be right back
232
00:10:22,266 --> 00:10:24,643
after these Black hair
product commercials.
233
00:10:27,646 --> 00:10:30,691
Previously on The Civil War...
234
00:10:31,984 --> 00:10:35,112
No more alcohol until the war is over.
235
00:10:36,321 --> 00:10:37,865
RT, come over here.
236
00:10:37,865 --> 00:10:39,700
There's my big, strong boy.
237
00:10:39,700 --> 00:10:42,327
You are ready to join me
on a top-secret mission.
238
00:10:42,327 --> 00:10:44,788
I will follow you to
the gates of hell, sir.
239
00:10:44,788 --> 00:10:47,458
It's worse than that, son.
We're going to West Virginia.
240
00:10:47,458 --> 00:10:48,917
No!
241
00:10:54,381 --> 00:10:56,884
West Virginia is so much
worse than I thought.
242
00:10:58,135 --> 00:11:00,012
Good call on losing the uniforms, sir.
243
00:11:00,012 --> 00:11:01,597
Yeah, I know. I'm a general.
244
00:11:01,597 --> 00:11:03,640
This isn't my first secret mission.
245
00:11:03,640 --> 00:11:05,976
What is the secret mission, by the way?
246
00:11:05,976 --> 00:11:08,020
We'll go to that saloon over
there and have a quick drink.
247
00:11:08,020 --> 00:11:09,521
- Just try to blend in.
- Yes, sir.
248
00:11:09,521 --> 00:11:11,064
Howdy!
249
00:11:11,064 --> 00:11:13,567
- Howdy!
- H... Say it with a Southern accent!
250
00:11:13,567 --> 00:11:15,235
- Howdy!
- Howdy!
251
00:11:15,235 --> 00:11:17,613
Not Irish!
252
00:11:17,613 --> 00:11:19,615
All right. And don't
futz with the settings,
253
00:11:19,615 --> 00:11:21,533
please, thank you. Yeah.
254
00:11:21,533 --> 00:11:23,410
Now listen, RT.
255
00:11:23,410 --> 00:11:26,872
We gotta keep a low profile, okay?
These people don't like our kind.
256
00:11:26,872 --> 00:11:28,165
Sagittarius?
257
00:11:28,999 --> 00:11:30,584
- Yankees!
- Right.
258
00:11:30,584 --> 00:11:31,710
Of course, you're a Sagittarius.
259
00:11:31,710 --> 00:11:33,545
With Mercury in retrograde,
it all makes sense.
260
00:11:33,545 --> 00:11:35,506
Just listen to me. Okay, be cool,
261
00:11:35,506 --> 00:11:38,509
and if anything's out of order, just
split up, and I'll find you, okay?
262
00:11:38,509 --> 00:11:40,260
- Yes, sir.
- Shit.
263
00:11:51,188 --> 00:11:52,981
Oh! Jesus!
264
00:11:52,981 --> 00:11:55,025
What was that?
265
00:11:55,025 --> 00:11:56,735
- You said split up.
- Not literally!
266
00:12:00,739 --> 00:12:03,534
- Howdy!
- Howdy.
267
00:12:03,534 --> 00:12:04,910
Howdy to you.
268
00:12:04,910 --> 00:12:06,537
Howdy, just here for a drink.
269
00:12:11,834 --> 00:12:13,377
Hello, sir. I'd like one whiskey.
270
00:12:13,377 --> 00:12:15,170
Sir? Please? Hello!
271
00:12:15,170 --> 00:12:17,131
Okay, he looked me right in the eye.
272
00:12:17,131 --> 00:12:19,341
Okay, sir. General.
273
00:12:19,341 --> 00:12:20,843
I have a strategy.
274
00:12:20,843 --> 00:12:22,594
- I think if we wanna properly blend in...
- Yes.
275
00:12:22,594 --> 00:12:24,596
... that we should be able
to adopt new characters.
276
00:12:24,596 --> 00:12:25,973
- Okay. Yeah.
- Okay? So,
277
00:12:25,973 --> 00:12:29,017
I think I should be
Byron De La Étouffée,
278
00:12:29,017 --> 00:12:30,853
- prosperous tobacco magnate.
- Okay.
279
00:12:30,853 --> 00:12:32,938
You can be Mint Julep De La Étouffée,
280
00:12:32,938 --> 00:12:34,189
my son.
281
00:12:34,189 --> 00:12:35,816
Why would I be your son?
282
00:12:35,816 --> 00:12:37,568
In what universe does that make sense?
283
00:12:37,568 --> 00:12:39,319
I'm 20 years older than you.
284
00:12:39,987 --> 00:12:41,363
- Just an idea.
- It's a bad idea.
285
00:12:41,363 --> 00:12:42,906
- Okay.
- Okay, j-j-j-just sit here
286
00:12:42,906 --> 00:12:44,491
- and watch my back.
- Yes, sir.
287
00:12:44,491 --> 00:12:45,868
Come to papa.
288
00:12:45,868 --> 00:12:47,536
- That's what I've been waiting for.
- Buck up.
289
00:12:47,536 --> 00:12:50,998
What? What!? What are you...
You are a psychopath, sir.
290
00:12:50,998 --> 00:12:54,042
God, that is so weird. That's weird!
291
00:12:54,042 --> 00:12:55,669
Oh, you think that's weird, huh?
292
00:12:58,839 --> 00:13:00,299
You think that's weird?
293
00:13:00,299 --> 00:13:02,593
Hoo, hoo, hoo! Yeah!
294
00:13:04,428 --> 00:13:06,430
Hoo... wee!
295
00:13:06,430 --> 00:13:07,931
Mm, mm, mmm.
296
00:13:09,183 --> 00:13:11,059
I think you're weird.
297
00:13:13,437 --> 00:13:15,314
Who are you boys?
298
00:13:15,314 --> 00:13:17,107
I am Byron De La Étouffée,
299
00:13:17,107 --> 00:13:19,109
- and this is my s...
- Friend!
300
00:13:19,109 --> 00:13:21,945
Uh, we stopped in here to wet
our whistles and talk about
301
00:13:21,945 --> 00:13:24,281
- how much we love... cotton.
- Yes.
302
00:13:24,281 --> 00:13:25,908
We love it.
303
00:13:25,908 --> 00:13:29,453
The touch, the feel, it is
truly the fabric of our lives.
304
00:13:31,497 --> 00:13:33,832
Where are you boys from?
305
00:13:33,832 --> 00:13:36,919
Little town by yonder way called...
306
00:13:37,711 --> 00:13:39,213
Slaveburg.
307
00:13:40,297 --> 00:13:41,799
Slaveburg?
308
00:13:41,799 --> 00:13:43,592
I ain't never heard of no Slaveburg.
309
00:13:45,469 --> 00:13:46,804
It's in Mississippi.
310
00:13:47,179 --> 00:13:49,932
- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...
- That checks out.
311
00:13:49,932 --> 00:13:51,683
- That checks out.
- We been there, we been there.
312
00:13:51,683 --> 00:13:53,352
Well, you two rebels,
313
00:13:53,352 --> 00:13:55,604
you must be very familiar with
the game we play around here.
314
00:13:55,604 --> 00:13:58,941
A game that, uh, well...
315
00:13:58,941 --> 00:14:01,110
It always ends up with somebody getting
316
00:14:01,110 --> 00:14:03,112
carried out those doors.
317
00:14:04,363 --> 00:14:06,615
"Never Have I Ever."
318
00:14:12,454 --> 00:14:14,248
Oh hello, daddy.
319
00:14:14,248 --> 00:14:16,583
- Hey! First rule!
- Ow!
320
00:14:16,583 --> 00:14:18,877
No drinking till we start.
321
00:14:20,420 --> 00:14:23,006
Okay.
322
00:14:23,006 --> 00:14:24,466
Second rule!
323
00:14:24,466 --> 00:14:26,218
You only drink if you've done the thing
324
00:14:26,218 --> 00:14:28,428
that the person whose turn
it is said they've never done.
325
00:14:28,428 --> 00:14:30,055
That's right.
326
00:14:30,055 --> 00:14:32,641
Till the man whose turn
it is takes a drink.
327
00:14:32,641 --> 00:14:34,726
Well then, I will go
first, and I wanna say...
328
00:14:34,726 --> 00:14:37,187
- Ow!
- No, no, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn!
329
00:14:37,187 --> 00:14:40,232
They only drink if no one's done
the thing they said they'd never did.
330
00:14:40,232 --> 00:14:42,276
I thought if a person said
they've never did the thing,
331
00:14:42,276 --> 00:14:44,069
they were lying, and
therefore must drink.
332
00:14:44,069 --> 00:14:45,779
I actually think Glenn is correct...
333
00:14:45,779 --> 00:14:47,406
No, shut the fuck up, De La Étouffée!
334
00:14:47,406 --> 00:14:48,782
How many times we gon' go through this?
335
00:14:48,782 --> 00:14:50,868
Well, maybe you're bad at explaining it.
336
00:14:50,868 --> 00:14:53,203
Oh, let me get this straight,
mister. You're trying to say
337
00:14:53,203 --> 00:14:55,330
I don't know the rules
of "Never Have I Ever"?
338
00:14:55,330 --> 00:14:57,124
Maybe I am. What of it?
339
00:14:57,124 --> 00:15:00,127
This the same reason why
you're not on my charades team.
340
00:15:00,127 --> 00:15:02,087
Maybe no one understands
how to play the game
341
00:15:02,087 --> 00:15:04,548
'cause they can't understand
what the fuck you're saying!
342
00:15:04,548 --> 00:15:06,550
Okay, enough of this shit.
343
00:15:06,550 --> 00:15:08,969
How about this? Whiskey for everybody!
344
00:15:11,638 --> 00:15:13,390
Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
345
00:15:13,390 --> 00:15:15,100
What in blue blazes
346
00:15:15,100 --> 00:15:17,603
you doin' with a dirty Union greenback?
347
00:15:18,270 --> 00:15:20,647
Uh...
348
00:15:20,647 --> 00:15:23,525
Well, I am a proud rebel
349
00:15:23,525 --> 00:15:26,069
who killed a Union soldier
350
00:15:26,069 --> 00:15:28,530
and took his money.
351
00:15:29,156 --> 00:15:30,491
Then, why's your face on it?
352
00:15:32,993 --> 00:15:36,205
That could be anybody. All white
men with beards look alike, huh?
353
00:15:36,205 --> 00:15:37,247
What are you, racist?
354
00:15:37,998 --> 00:15:41,460
Yeah. That's pretty much our whole deal.
355
00:15:41,460 --> 00:15:43,420
We hate everything.
356
00:15:43,420 --> 00:15:46,381
People who turn classic
movies into TV shows.
357
00:15:46,381 --> 00:15:48,050
Boat owners.
358
00:15:48,050 --> 00:15:49,802
- Sound effects.
- Redheads.
359
00:15:49,802 --> 00:15:52,471
- Deadheads!
- For-profit universities.
360
00:15:52,471 --> 00:15:54,306
Novelty license plates.
361
00:15:54,306 --> 00:15:56,517
Picking people up from the airport!
362
00:15:56,517 --> 00:15:57,768
But most of all...
363
00:15:57,768 --> 00:16:00,354
All right.
364
00:16:00,354 --> 00:16:02,064
... Yankees.
365
00:16:02,064 --> 00:16:03,607
Fuck Jeter!
366
00:16:03,607 --> 00:16:07,569
And you know what? Fuck Tom
Brady and his fuckin' Tampa Bay
367
00:16:07,569 --> 00:16:09,655
fuckin' wherever he is now.
368
00:16:09,655 --> 00:16:11,448
Get that fuckin' thing
outta here! What are you...
369
00:16:11,448 --> 00:16:12,448
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey...
370
00:16:12,449 --> 00:16:14,368
We gotta finish the scene, dude.
371
00:16:14,368 --> 00:16:16,870
Oh, you wanna finish the scene?
Oh, I'm sorry, Your Highness.
372
00:16:16,870 --> 00:16:18,789
- Hollyweird!
- Just don't engage. Don't engage.
373
00:16:18,789 --> 00:16:21,917
Why don't you get LeBron to
finish it? Oh! He's injured!
374
00:16:21,917 --> 00:16:23,961
- Yankees.
- Get a real basketball player
375
00:16:23,961 --> 00:16:25,587
like Larry fuckin' Bird.
376
00:16:30,342 --> 00:16:32,845
The Mongolian Empire.
377
00:16:35,806 --> 00:16:39,393
In 1270, Marco Polo of Venice
378
00:16:39,393 --> 00:16:41,603
- travels the Silk Road...
- Marco Polo!
379
00:16:41,603 --> 00:16:44,523
... to meet the most
feared emperor in the world,
380
00:16:44,523 --> 00:16:46,942
the great Kublai Khan.
381
00:16:46,942 --> 00:16:48,652
Get down.
382
00:16:48,652 --> 00:16:49,862
Go!
383
00:16:49,862 --> 00:16:51,864
On my knee... Good. Let's do this.
384
00:16:51,864 --> 00:16:53,740
If it goes well,
385
00:16:53,740 --> 00:16:56,368
trade between the East and
the West will finally open.
386
00:16:58,328 --> 00:17:01,999
And if not, Polo could be "no-mo."
387
00:17:01,999 --> 00:17:03,083
You may rise.
388
00:17:03,083 --> 00:17:06,378
Oh, thank heavens. This was
a little bit humiliating.
389
00:17:07,087 --> 00:17:09,131
What an honor to be here. Thank you.
390
00:17:09,131 --> 00:17:12,134
I bring you gifts as a
gesture of our friendship.
391
00:17:12,676 --> 00:17:13,677
Swag!
392
00:17:15,262 --> 00:17:16,930
We call this shit silk.
393
00:17:17,306 --> 00:17:19,558
This is nice!
394
00:17:19,558 --> 00:17:21,101
What do you call what I'm feeling?
395
00:17:21,101 --> 00:17:22,519
What's the word for this?
396
00:17:22,519 --> 00:17:24,688
- Silky.
- Oh, yes!
397
00:17:24,688 --> 00:17:26,857
You know what? If you
put that right here,
398
00:17:26,857 --> 00:17:28,442
on, like, a nice suit?
399
00:17:28,442 --> 00:17:29,777
You'd never wait for a
table again in your life.
400
00:17:29,777 --> 00:17:32,112
All right, Kublai's turn!
401
00:17:32,905 --> 00:17:34,948
Okay, so what do you have for me?
402
00:17:36,450 --> 00:17:37,701
Okay.
403
00:17:37,701 --> 00:17:39,828
So keep in mind, I've been on the
road for four and a half years,
404
00:17:39,828 --> 00:17:41,789
so there's a little bit
of wear and tear, right?
405
00:17:41,789 --> 00:17:44,166
Okay, I got something great,
you're gonna freak out.
406
00:17:44,666 --> 00:17:45,876
Put your hand out.
407
00:17:46,335 --> 00:17:50,047
I call this "shaky red." Shaky red, sir.
408
00:17:50,047 --> 00:17:51,799
What is shaky red?
409
00:17:51,799 --> 00:17:55,010
Hot peppers! That have been
crushed. I'd be a little careful.
410
00:17:55,010 --> 00:17:57,262
There's a little bit
of sand in there. The...
411
00:17:57,262 --> 00:17:59,556
The bottle broke in the desert.
What do you honestly think?
412
00:17:59,556 --> 00:18:01,600
This is more of a pitch stage of the...
413
00:18:03,268 --> 00:18:04,502
Okay, well do you have anything else?
414
00:18:04,503 --> 00:18:05,813
To be frank, that was kinda shitty.
415
00:18:05,813 --> 00:18:07,648
For you? Yes. I have a goat
416
00:18:07,648 --> 00:18:10,067
that was blessed by the Pope himself!
417
00:18:10,067 --> 00:18:12,152
- Oh, what? The Pope?
- Yeah!
418
00:18:12,152 --> 00:18:13,779
Oh man, I heard all about that guy.
419
00:18:13,779 --> 00:18:15,906
The Pope Goat. Would love to
meet this goat, where is it?
420
00:18:17,991 --> 00:18:19,576
Shit.
421
00:18:19,576 --> 00:18:21,370
It's right here!
422
00:18:21,370 --> 00:18:23,831
We had to eat the actual
goat a year and a half ago
423
00:18:23,831 --> 00:18:25,916
because we were starving to death,
424
00:18:25,916 --> 00:18:27,417
of course.
425
00:18:27,876 --> 00:18:30,003
- That's still blessed by...
- So,
426
00:18:30,003 --> 00:18:32,798
they tell me you have, like,
these scrolls of knowledge?
427
00:18:32,798 --> 00:18:34,967
I had to burn them,
obviously, to cook the goat,
428
00:18:34,967 --> 00:18:36,343
so it was a catch-22.
429
00:18:36,343 --> 00:18:39,054
So, are you saying you brought nothing
430
00:18:39,054 --> 00:18:41,640
- for the Great Khan?
- You know what I do have for you?
431
00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:43,934
- It's a game.
- What is this game?
432
00:18:46,562 --> 00:18:48,355
It's "Marco Polo."
433
00:18:48,355 --> 00:18:50,399
And the way that you play is
somebody closes their eyes,
434
00:18:50,399 --> 00:18:52,192
and th-they're looking
for the other guy,
435
00:18:52,192 --> 00:18:55,154
and th-they're running
around, they say "Marco!"
436
00:18:55,154 --> 00:18:57,239
And the other guy says "Polo!"
437
00:18:57,239 --> 00:18:59,992
It's a load of fun!
It's better in a pool.
438
00:18:59,992 --> 00:19:01,118
You know what? Fuck this!
439
00:19:01,118 --> 00:19:03,495
All you brought me was some spicy sand
440
00:19:03,495 --> 00:19:05,539
and a dumbass game
that you just made up?
441
00:19:05,539 --> 00:19:08,292
Please. It has been a crazy journey.
442
00:19:08,292 --> 00:19:10,085
There've been a lot
of bumps on the road.
443
00:19:10,085 --> 00:19:11,920
Listen, Koobs, Koobs, hear me out.
444
00:19:11,920 --> 00:19:13,422
- Take him!
- Koobs, Koobs!
445
00:19:13,422 --> 00:19:14,673
- Stop calling me Koobs!
- No, no, no.
446
00:19:14,673 --> 00:19:16,550
Please don't do this. No!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, please!
447
00:19:16,550 --> 00:19:18,343
Burn this motherfucker alive!
448
00:19:18,343 --> 00:19:20,262
No, no, please don't burn me
alive! Don't burn me alive!
449
00:19:20,262 --> 00:19:22,264
- I wanna hear his guts popping!
- I'll do anything! No, no, no!
450
00:19:22,264 --> 00:19:25,976
I'll suck my own dick!
451
00:19:25,976 --> 00:19:27,478
Please.
452
00:19:33,442 --> 00:19:34,651
We pranked you!
453
00:19:34,651 --> 00:19:36,361
You got Khan'd, bro!
454
00:19:39,948 --> 00:19:42,117
- What do you mean it's a prank?
- It's a prank!
455
00:19:42,117 --> 00:19:43,869
We've been trying to think
for the last four years
456
00:19:43,869 --> 00:19:46,497
of some way to get you, and we got you!
457
00:19:46,497 --> 00:19:47,998
Check it out, check it out.
458
00:19:47,998 --> 00:19:50,292
We got hidden charcoal artists
everywhere. Look, we got one over here.
459
00:19:50,292 --> 00:19:52,002
- Ah?
- Wonderful.
460
00:19:52,002 --> 00:19:53,962
And look, we got one over here!
461
00:19:53,962 --> 00:19:55,672
He's got your depiction here, too!
462
00:19:55,672 --> 00:19:57,966
I was genuinely terrified for my life.
463
00:20:00,177 --> 00:20:01,553
I'll suck my own dick!
464
00:20:04,765 --> 00:20:06,767
Shirley Chisholm.
465
00:20:08,560 --> 00:20:10,646
Previously on Shirley...
466
00:20:11,730 --> 00:20:13,315
Oh hello, Mr. President.
467
00:20:13,315 --> 00:20:15,234
Guess who's coming to dinner?
468
00:20:15,234 --> 00:20:16,276
Mr. Nixon,
469
00:20:16,276 --> 00:20:19,363
what an immaculate honor
to have you into my home.
470
00:20:19,363 --> 00:20:22,866
I invited my most
charismatic and only friend,
471
00:20:22,866 --> 00:20:24,535
Secretary of State Henry Kissinger.
472
00:20:24,535 --> 00:20:26,578
I brought a bundt cake.
473
00:20:26,578 --> 00:20:29,873
♪ Ooo, ooo, Shirley! ♪
474
00:20:32,459 --> 00:20:35,212
- Uh, Mother, will you be joining us?
- Uh, let's see.
475
00:20:35,212 --> 00:20:38,674
Have dinner with two warmongering hogs,
476
00:20:38,674 --> 00:20:42,052
or drink my martini by myself?
477
00:20:44,138 --> 00:20:45,806
That woman is enchanting.
478
00:20:47,975 --> 00:20:50,227
The reason I asked you
here, Mr. President,
479
00:20:50,227 --> 00:20:53,647
is because I feel like I'm not
getting anything done in Congress.
480
00:20:53,647 --> 00:20:56,066
Why, yes, Shirley. You see, ahem,
481
00:20:56,066 --> 00:20:57,901
Congress has no power.
482
00:20:57,901 --> 00:20:59,695
The only person who
can get anything done
483
00:20:59,695 --> 00:21:01,780
is the President of the United States.
484
00:21:01,780 --> 00:21:04,074
The Commander-in-Chief.
485
00:21:04,074 --> 00:21:06,034
The King of the Free World.
486
00:21:06,034 --> 00:21:08,704
The Imperator of the Galaxy.
487
00:21:08,704 --> 00:21:11,415
Easy, Dick, don't let
the cat out of the bag.
488
00:21:13,000 --> 00:21:15,335
So you're saying that the
only way I can get stuff done
489
00:21:15,335 --> 00:21:17,379
is if I'm president?
490
00:21:17,379 --> 00:21:20,132
That's right, Shirley.
But, let's face it.
491
00:21:20,132 --> 00:21:21,425
That's not happening anytime soon.
492
00:21:21,425 --> 00:21:24,136
I mean, you're Black,
Shirley, and a woman.
493
00:21:24,970 --> 00:21:28,182
Well, Mr. Nixon, you've inspired me.
494
00:21:28,182 --> 00:21:29,600
Well, great.
495
00:21:30,309 --> 00:21:32,227
To run for president!
496
00:21:34,646 --> 00:21:37,399
Well, Henry, it finally happened,
I never thought it would.
497
00:21:37,399 --> 00:21:38,984
A lady made me laugh.
498
00:21:38,984 --> 00:21:41,945
Unlike you, I am no joke.
499
00:21:41,945 --> 00:21:44,698
I am unbought and unbossed!
500
00:21:44,698 --> 00:21:46,784
Well!
501
00:21:46,784 --> 00:21:50,287
Miss Chisholm, we'll just see. Good day.
502
00:21:50,287 --> 00:21:52,956
Now, Henry, let's return
to the White House.
503
00:21:52,956 --> 00:21:54,833
Your mother reminds me of a woman
504
00:21:54,833 --> 00:21:57,336
I met in Transylvania in 1403.
505
00:21:57,336 --> 00:21:58,545
Please give her my number.
506
00:21:58,545 --> 00:22:01,215
666-6666.
507
00:22:03,801 --> 00:22:07,179
So, looks like I'm
running for president.
508
00:22:07,179 --> 00:22:08,263
Shirley,
509
00:22:08,263 --> 00:22:10,057
I wish you would've
talked to me about this.
510
00:22:10,057 --> 00:22:11,308
That's a big decision.
511
00:22:11,308 --> 00:22:13,268
Conrad, it's a TV show.
512
00:22:13,268 --> 00:22:16,438
We have to move the story along
at a faster pace than real life.
513
00:22:16,438 --> 00:22:18,023
Hm.
514
00:22:18,023 --> 00:22:20,067
Like a workout montage?
515
00:22:20,818 --> 00:22:24,696
♪ Ooo, ooo, Shirley! ♪
516
00:22:30,494 --> 00:22:32,496
Jesus Christ.
517
00:22:34,748 --> 00:22:38,377
Meanwhile, back in Jerusalem...
518
00:22:43,507 --> 00:22:46,885
- Hey, barkeep? Two hot wines, please.
- Coming right up, boss.
519
00:22:47,970 --> 00:22:51,098
So? What did we think about the show?
520
00:22:51,098 --> 00:22:53,392
Worst shit I have ever seen in my life.
521
00:22:53,392 --> 00:22:56,270
Right? Did you notice when he
was in the "hospital scene,"
522
00:22:56,270 --> 00:22:57,813
- he's in the bed?
- Yeah.
523
00:22:57,813 --> 00:22:59,148
He fell asleep, right?
524
00:22:59,148 --> 00:23:01,275
Was that acting or was he
really fuckin' sleeping?
525
00:23:01,275 --> 00:23:03,068
I don't know, but it's contagious
526
00:23:03,068 --> 00:23:05,279
- 'cause then I fall asleep.
- You gotta have intermission.
527
00:23:05,279 --> 00:23:06,905
People gotta get up
and stretch their legs
528
00:23:06,905 --> 00:23:09,074
a-and go out and stand in
front of the fuckin' theater
529
00:23:09,074 --> 00:23:11,410
a-and smoke a hookah
or some shit like that.
530
00:23:11,410 --> 00:23:13,370
Peter thinks it's good. He
thinks this show is good.
531
00:23:13,370 --> 00:23:16,540
He thinks he's gonna tape
this for a Netfish special!
532
00:23:16,540 --> 00:23:18,917
If this was on Netfish, I
would cancel my subscription.
533
00:23:18,917 --> 00:23:21,253
Fuck yeah. Hey, I just can't believe
534
00:23:21,253 --> 00:23:23,213
that you're gonna betray Jesus tonight.
535
00:23:23,213 --> 00:23:27,092
What? I'm not gonna betray
Jesus. What are you talking about?
536
00:23:27,092 --> 00:23:28,677
Fuck me, what am I talking
about? You took the money!
537
00:23:28,677 --> 00:23:32,097
I had to take the money. Peter
made us pay for this one-man show.
538
00:23:32,097 --> 00:23:34,057
We're his friends. We should be comped.
539
00:23:34,057 --> 00:23:38,270
And that is what the
fuck you call a betrayal!
540
00:23:38,270 --> 00:23:39,646
- Betrayal?
- What?
541
00:23:39,646 --> 00:23:41,607
Betrayal? Who are you gonna betray?
542
00:23:41,607 --> 00:23:43,525
No, what are you guys talking about?
543
00:23:43,525 --> 00:23:45,611
- Nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing.
- Who's getting betrayed?
544
00:23:45,611 --> 00:23:47,696
No, no, no, there's
no betrayal happening.
545
00:23:47,696 --> 00:23:49,531
- It's fine.
- Okay. So, what'd you think of the play?
546
00:23:49,531 --> 00:23:51,950
You were up there trying really hard.
547
00:23:51,950 --> 00:23:52,950
And the details about your family.
548
00:23:52,951 --> 00:23:55,037
H-how your dad was a... was a Galilean,
549
00:23:55,037 --> 00:23:58,707
a-and your mom was a Moabite?
A-and the fact that you had therapy?
550
00:23:58,707 --> 00:24:00,042
- Fucked me up.
- Thank you, man.
551
00:24:00,042 --> 00:24:02,044
- You see me. You see me.
- I saw you.
552
00:24:02,044 --> 00:24:04,129
- What'd you think, Judas?
- I think
553
00:24:04,129 --> 00:24:07,216
I didn't like to have to pay for
tickets to my friend's one-man show.
554
00:24:07,216 --> 00:24:10,636
Well, I'm sorry I didn't get
comps. What am I, a money lender?
555
00:24:10,636 --> 00:24:12,346
So, what'd you think of the show?
556
00:24:12,346 --> 00:24:14,723
Eh... Not for me.
557
00:24:14,723 --> 00:24:17,518
- Well, Jesus loved it.
- Please.
558
00:24:17,518 --> 00:24:19,353
Jesus loves everything.
The guy can't stop saying,
559
00:24:19,353 --> 00:24:21,730
"Oh, I love this." He's
just looking for followers.
560
00:24:21,730 --> 00:24:24,149
Look at Jesus over there. Look at him.
561
00:24:24,149 --> 00:24:25,943
Absolutely woofing down
562
00:24:25,943 --> 00:24:27,319
that bacon cheeseburger.
563
00:24:27,319 --> 00:24:29,863
- Oh, it looks so good.
- Bacon cheeseburger?
564
00:24:29,863 --> 00:24:31,573
Hold on, that's not kosher.
565
00:24:31,573 --> 00:24:33,826
Wait, none of the food here is kosher.
566
00:24:33,826 --> 00:24:35,744
Oh please, let him sin.
567
00:24:35,744 --> 00:24:38,539
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
hold the fuckin' phones.
568
00:24:38,539 --> 00:24:41,583
Wait a minute, I just ate a
bacon-wrapped scallop and baby back ribs.
569
00:24:41,583 --> 00:24:44,169
You mean to tell me none
of this shit is kosher?
570
00:24:44,169 --> 00:24:46,171
You know what, I'm fuckin' livid!
571
00:24:46,171 --> 00:24:49,091
As a Jew, I'm livid!
572
00:24:49,091 --> 00:24:50,634
You know what? I'm gonna plotz!
573
00:24:50,634 --> 00:24:52,344
I can understand why you're pissed
574
00:24:52,344 --> 00:24:54,471
because something is going
on with this Jesus guy.
575
00:24:54,471 --> 00:24:56,974
He's trying to phase out his Judaism.
576
00:24:57,683 --> 00:24:59,226
- Really?
- Yeah!
577
00:24:59,226 --> 00:25:00,727
Yeah, that fool's up to somethin'.
578
00:25:00,727 --> 00:25:02,688
Yeah, I bet he's gonna
grow back his foreskin, too.
579
00:25:02,688 --> 00:25:04,898
What? You can grow back your foreskin?
580
00:25:04,898 --> 00:25:06,733
Fuck yeah, you can do
that. My cousin did that.
581
00:25:06,733 --> 00:25:08,444
He put a clothespin on
the tip of that shit.
582
00:25:08,444 --> 00:25:09,862
Oh, that's impossible.
583
00:25:09,862 --> 00:25:11,780
No, you gotta tie a
string onto the thing,
584
00:25:11,780 --> 00:25:13,907
and then... and then, you
got a weight down there,
585
00:25:13,907 --> 00:25:15,617
and the weight is gonna
pull the string off,
586
00:25:15,617 --> 00:25:17,202
and you have to sleep standing up.
587
00:25:17,202 --> 00:25:19,121
- Uh-huh.
- Not for me, baby. Not for me.
588
00:25:19,121 --> 00:25:21,582
- Oh, really? Not for you?
- Nope.
589
00:25:21,582 --> 00:25:24,209
- Lotta detail for an innocent man.
- Wait, he's going to the bathroom.
590
00:25:24,209 --> 00:25:25,294
Do I do a foreskin check?
591
00:25:25,294 --> 00:25:28,464
- Should I go and get cockfirmation?
- Yeah. Oh yeah.
592
00:25:28,464 --> 00:25:30,382
- Go in there and peep that pecker.
- And find out
593
00:25:30,382 --> 00:25:33,677
- how he avoids peeing on the weight.
- Yeah.
594
00:25:33,677 --> 00:25:35,888
- Yeah, I've heard that it happens...
- Oh, you've heard that?
595
00:25:35,888 --> 00:25:38,682
- No, I've read it in some scrolls! Yes!
- Oh, you've read it in some scrolls?
596
00:25:38,682 --> 00:25:40,309
Sure, sure, sure, sure, sure, sure.
597
00:25:41,268 --> 00:25:43,979
There he is! JC!
598
00:25:43,979 --> 00:25:46,106
Judas, hey. Hey, I could swear to my dad
599
00:25:46,106 --> 00:25:47,608
- I locked that door.
- Oh, yeah?
600
00:25:47,608 --> 00:25:49,860
So, what'd you think
of Peter's one-man show?
601
00:25:49,860 --> 00:25:51,320
Yeah, I liked it, yeah.
602
00:25:51,320 --> 00:25:53,113
I mean, what's not to like?
I got free tickets, right?
603
00:25:53,113 --> 00:25:55,199
- Free ticket? Free.
- Yeah.
604
00:25:55,199 --> 00:25:56,909
Comped.
605
00:25:56,909 --> 00:25:58,327
Comped.
606
00:25:58,327 --> 00:25:59,703
What does "comped" stand for?
607
00:25:59,703 --> 00:26:01,246
- Complimentary.
- Complimentary!
608
00:26:01,914 --> 00:26:04,750
I wish I could be more complimentary
of Peter's one-man show.
609
00:26:04,750 --> 00:26:07,544
Judas. Judge not, lest you be judged.
610
00:26:08,962 --> 00:26:10,631
Not bad. You just come up with that?
611
00:26:10,631 --> 00:26:11,965
Eh... Thanks.
612
00:26:19,431 --> 00:26:22,226
Whoa! Hey! Hot piss! Judas,
you're pissing on my feet!
613
00:26:22,226 --> 00:26:24,937
- What? No! What? No!
- Yes! Yes!
614
00:26:24,937 --> 00:26:27,106
- I was just checking!
- Checking what?
615
00:26:27,106 --> 00:26:28,607
Just to get cockfirmation!
616
00:26:28,607 --> 00:26:30,818
Judas, you pissed on my feet!
617
00:26:30,818 --> 00:26:32,820
I gotta go back to the party.
618
00:26:32,820 --> 00:26:34,404
No, you don't... What... You...
619
00:26:34,404 --> 00:26:35,572
- Judas.
- Ah, ah, ah!
620
00:26:35,572 --> 00:26:36,865
I know you hear me.
621
00:26:38,158 --> 00:26:39,368
Oh, you just gonna let the blower...
622
00:26:39,368 --> 00:26:40,826
He's gonna blow your
hands for 30 seconds.
623
00:26:40,827 --> 00:26:41,827
You're just not gonna look at me?
624
00:26:41,828 --> 00:26:43,455
I know you hear me! I am in your head!
625
00:26:43,455 --> 00:26:46,041
Sorry, I only have big
pieces of silver. Ah.
626
00:26:46,041 --> 00:26:47,501
- Judas!
- Okay, so,
627
00:26:47,501 --> 00:26:49,253
what did you think of my accents?
628
00:26:49,253 --> 00:26:51,421
You didn't take me anywhere. You
gotta take someone somewhere...
629
00:26:51,421 --> 00:26:53,048
Gotta go, gotta go,
gotta go, gotta go...
630
00:26:53,048 --> 00:26:54,716
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Fuck
you mean we gotta go?
631
00:26:54,716 --> 00:26:56,844
Judas! What the fuck?
632
00:26:58,220 --> 00:27:01,306
You peed on my son's feet?
633
00:27:01,306 --> 00:27:03,559
Mother Mary, may I explain?
634
00:27:03,559 --> 00:27:04,601
No, you may not!
635
00:27:04,601 --> 00:27:06,562
I did not not have sex
636
00:27:06,562 --> 00:27:09,148
and give birth in a dirty-ass manger
637
00:27:09,148 --> 00:27:12,943
for you to urinate on the Son of God!
638
00:27:12,943 --> 00:27:15,028
She thinks her son's God? The
mother's definitely Jewish.
639
00:27:15,028 --> 00:27:17,239
Okay!
640
00:27:17,239 --> 00:27:19,992
I want you to get on your knees
641
00:27:19,992 --> 00:27:21,535
and wash his feet.
642
00:27:21,535 --> 00:27:24,204
- Ooh.
- I don't know.
643
00:27:24,204 --> 00:27:26,707
You raggedy bitch.
644
00:27:26,707 --> 00:27:29,251
You want me to wash the
pee-pee off of his feet?
645
00:27:29,251 --> 00:27:30,836
- Yes.
- That's what you would like?
646
00:27:30,836 --> 00:27:32,796
I just wanna confirm, so
we're on the same page here.
647
00:27:32,796 --> 00:27:35,257
- Yes!
- Luke, what do you think?
648
00:27:35,257 --> 00:27:37,634
If someone pissed on
my fuckin ' sandals,
649
00:27:37,634 --> 00:27:38,927
they wipin' that shit off.
650
00:27:38,927 --> 00:27:40,471
Okay, well, that's a betrayal.
651
00:27:40,471 --> 00:27:43,098
I mean, the guy lays hands on lepers,
652
00:27:43,098 --> 00:27:45,392
and you're worried about a
little pee-pee on his feet?
653
00:27:45,392 --> 00:27:48,103
You're really... You're
gonna make me do this?
654
00:27:48,103 --> 00:27:51,482
Do it already! Enough with the talking!
655
00:27:54,943 --> 00:27:56,445
It's just feet, they're gross.
656
00:27:56,445 --> 00:27:58,113
Do you guys like...
Anybody here like feet?
657
00:27:58,113 --> 00:28:01,074
Whatever the opposite of a
foot fetish is what I have!
658
00:28:01,074 --> 00:28:02,409
Hey, Jesus...
659
00:28:02,409 --> 00:28:05,537
- I've sinned... I'm a sinner...
- Mm-hmm.
660
00:28:05,537 --> 00:28:07,039
I'm repenting...
661
00:28:07,039 --> 00:28:09,500
I don't wanna wash your feet...
662
00:28:09,500 --> 00:28:11,543
Rise, my son.
663
00:28:11,543 --> 00:28:12,836
- What?
- I forgive you.
664
00:28:12,836 --> 00:28:15,714
- Uh-uh!
- It's okay, Mama. It's okay.
665
00:28:15,714 --> 00:28:17,341
Take back your dirty fuckin' rag.
666
00:28:17,341 --> 00:28:19,885
This is my guy!
667
00:28:19,885 --> 00:28:21,470
Jesus!
668
00:28:21,470 --> 00:28:24,890
This guy, he's not even a guy!
This guy's a God! Come here!
669
00:28:24,890 --> 00:28:27,976
The kiss is a signal!
670
00:28:27,976 --> 00:28:30,020
- That's Jesus! Get him!
- What?
671
00:28:30,020 --> 00:28:31,063
Wait, what? No!
672
00:28:31,063 --> 00:28:33,315
- You betrayed me? Mom! Mom!
- No!
673
00:28:33,315 --> 00:28:34,942
- Oh!
- Tell my story!
674
00:28:34,942 --> 00:28:38,112
Oh, it was Jesus you were gonna betray!
675
00:28:38,112 --> 00:28:40,072
No, this wasn't a betrayal kiss!
676
00:28:40,072 --> 00:28:43,158
No! This was a thank you
kiss, not a betrayal kiss!
677
00:28:43,158 --> 00:28:44,368
Luke! Luke!
678
00:28:44,368 --> 00:28:46,161
You're in trouble!
679
00:28:46,161 --> 00:28:47,704
No! Look at all these feet!
680
00:28:47,704 --> 00:28:51,041
Judas Iscariot, forever unclean!
681
00:28:51,041 --> 00:28:52,584
This is too much!
682
00:30:06,533 --> 00:30:08,619
- Who is this?
- It's your mama.
683
00:30:08,619 --> 00:30:11,038
If you are my mother,
what is your last name?
684
00:30:11,622 --> 00:30:13,791
- Bell.
- It's my mother. That confirms it.
685
00:30:13,791 --> 00:30:16,627
Tomorrow night, the
landmark event continues.
686
00:30:16,627 --> 00:30:18,796
What are we gonna do about Lenin?
687
00:30:18,796 --> 00:30:21,965
I serve sandwiches to Vladimir
Lenin and all of his comrades.
688
00:30:21,965 --> 00:30:24,468
I am losing my damn mind.
689
00:30:24,468 --> 00:30:26,720
Jesus Christ!
690
00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:30,015
- I've done a really interesting drawing.
- Don't they look like penises?
691
00:30:30,015 --> 00:30:32,684
- Whoa, someone wants to sleep with their father.
- What?
692
00:30:32,685 --> 00:30:37,685
- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.MY-SUBS.com -
51629
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