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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
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Hands up where I can see 'em!
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Good gravy, it's Harriet Tubman!
3
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The inventor of the... tub?
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How did these dumb asses enslave us?
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Roll it!
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- I'm Kublai Khan.
- Amelia Earhart.
7
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The Romanovs!
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I am Sigmund Freud.
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Join me for my Masturbate.
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Masterclass. What?
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- Who are you?
- Some call me Jesus Christ, son of God.
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Some call him broke and corny.
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Oh, hello!
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Okay, that's actually crazy.
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Mwah!
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Noah, you were supposed
to get two of every animal.
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I got two Chihuahuas. Two pugs.
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I got three pugs. Don't tell God.
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Hello. I'm American treasure Mel Brooks.
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To some of you, I'm a hero.
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To others, merely a legend.
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Over 40 years ago, I wrote and directed
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History of the World, Part I,
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a sketch comedy movie that showed
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the real side of history.
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I also starred in it. Maybe a mistake.
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So when I was approached
by somebody named Hulu
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to make a sequel, I had two conditions.
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One, they had to make me look
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exactly how I did in 1981.
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And here I am. Exactly
what I looked like.
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Who knew there were muscles here?
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Anyway, my other stipulation
was all original material.
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Nothing from Part I, no repeats.
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So, without further ado,
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I present to you...
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History of the World, Part II!
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Hey, guys! Look at me! I'm swole.
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History of the World, Part II!
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The Civil War.
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The Civil War was in its final days.
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We're talking about
the one in the 1860s,
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not the one coming up in 2024.
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The South was on its last legs
as the Union Army closed in,
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and at the head of that army was
the lushly bearded Ulysses S. Grant.
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Who was also a bit of a lush.
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- General Grant.
- Hi, Pam, how are ya?
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Big win out there.
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What is going through
your mind right now?
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Well, we lost 4,000 men
out there. They're dead.
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But we did kill 6,000 of their guys,
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but a lot of their guys
were related to our guys,
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so it's a lot of mixed
emotions right now, Pam.
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They say the war is almost over.
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If the North wins, will
you go to Disneyland?
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Well, that depends,
do they have a bar? JK.
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I'll hang you both if
you dump that on me.
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Great to see you, Pam. Take care.
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Please don't take my
arm, sir. I'm a drummer.
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Can I get a dull saw?
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Tell me, Doc, will it hurt?
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When we amputate your head? Yeah.
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Play Devil Went Down to Georgia!
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- We don't have the rights!
- Just do a sound alike!
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Hold on, everyone. Daddy's comin'.
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Daddy's home. Come to Papa.
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- Sir!
- What is it?!
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President Lincoln is
in your quarters, sir!
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I know! Dismissed.
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Fuck!
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- Mr. President.
- Oh, there he is!
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H... h-hey... Oh!
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Stephen Douglas' dick hole!
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Are you okay, sir?
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Yes, I'm fine.
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- Have a seat, Ulysses, have a seat.
- All right.
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Oh.
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Mr. President, you look exhausted.
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This war has taken a toll on you, sir.
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It's not the war. It's my height.
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I mean, look at me!
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They don't make things
for a big boy like me!
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I mean...
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Look at these pants, Ulysses.
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Look at that! They're basically capris.
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I'm a big boy! I need big boy pants!
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I will say they look kind of fun,
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somethin' you could wear
at a summer party, maybe.
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Look, anyways.
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I have heard some grumblings
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and that your imbibing has
gotten a bit out of control.
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- My imbibing? Who told you that?
- Mm-hmm.
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Was it Sheridan? Because
he's addicted to laudanum.
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Look, I don't drink a lot, you know?
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Like, maybe, like, a little bit,
like, on a holiday or some...
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I believe today is what the
Hebrews call Pesach, sir.
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No more alcohol until the war is over!
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Do you understand me, Ulysses?
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Yeah, sure, fine. I don't need a drink.
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Good.
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All right, there is one more thing
that I need to talk to you about.
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It's about my son, Robert Todd.
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Your son.
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He has been begging me to
enlist, and now that the war
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is nearly over, I feel like this
is the perfect time to just...
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- get him in there.
- Once all the regular fighters have...
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- Yes, yes, abs...
- ... given their lives
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and bled and lost their legs,
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now you wanna sneak in
your little Harvard boy
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for a couple days on the course.
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Yes! No, you understand!
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- Gotcha, gotcha, okay.
- Absolutely. He's a good boy.
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You know, I want you to look after him.
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Mr. President, I want you to know,
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I won't let the boy out of my sight.
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Oh, good, good, good. Robert Todd!
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- Oh, Jesus! Good lord!
- Goddammit!
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I have legs for arms!
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That was a gift from my wife.
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Ow! Goddammit!
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RT!
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General Grant, sir!
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It is an honor, sir!
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I have been a huge fan my entire life!
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- And how long is that, young man?
- One score and two years.
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That means 22 in our secret language.
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- Come on over here! Come over here.
- Right.
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There's my big, strong boy. Watch this.
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I trained him well. Look at this.
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What do I have? You've trained for this.
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- What do I have?
- My nose.
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Yes! Can you get it?
Can you reattach it?
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First try. Good job, son.
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Seems like a great kid.
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He's in good hands, Mr. President.
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All right.
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The Union state is in
your hands, Ulysses.
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End this war.
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Yes, Mr. President.
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And I have every soldier in
the entire state of Virginia
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on orders to deny you
alcohol. Is that understood?
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- Yes, sir.
- Good.
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Goddammit!
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That is gonna be the worst thing
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that's gonna happen to my head all year.
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- Thanks for comin' by, sir.
- Good to see you.
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General Grant, sir.
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Would you do me the honor of regaling me
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with your most horrifying war stories?
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I mean, I really wanna know what
it's like to see the-the light
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drain out of a man's
eye by your own hand.
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General, no!
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Ah! Damn it!
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Who drank all my gun whiskey?!
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Okay.
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Think, Ulysses, think.
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I have decided
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that you are ready to join
me on a top-secret mission,
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00:07:08,849 --> 00:07:10,392
but I'm warning you right now.
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It's gonna be very, very whiskey.
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Risky. Are you in?
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I will follow you to
the gates of Hell, sir.
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It's worse than that, son.
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We're goin' to West Virginia.
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No... No...
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No!
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The Kama Sutra.
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Thank you for having me to,
uh, pitch my new book idea.
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00:07:37,795 --> 00:07:39,630
- Well, thank you for coming. We're big fans.
- Ah.
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00:07:39,630 --> 00:07:41,340
I'm a simple guy.
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I like eating soup. I like having sex.
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If I'm not going "slurp, slurp, slurp,"
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I'm eating soup.
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I like that.
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And so, this really brings
my two passions together.
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I have created hundreds
of tasty soup recipes
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and paired them with the perfect
corresponding sexual position.
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I call it Kama Souptra,
From Soup to Nuts!
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From soup to nuts!
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Oh, okay. Well, that's very clever.
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All right, here we go. First one.
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Lamb stew, you know, paired
with the simple missionary.
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It's warm. It's comforting.
Everyone likes it.
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Now we're getting a little more fun.
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Leek soup. For obvious reasons,
you're gonna need a tarp for this one.
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Ooh! Love this one.
187
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Summer gazpacho. That's when you
and your lover share a chilled soup
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while fucking on a cold tile counter.
189
00:08:28,679 --> 00:08:30,764
Wait, that looks so much like your wife.
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00:08:30,764 --> 00:08:33,517
That is my wife! And
that's my neighbor Prakash.
191
00:08:33,517 --> 00:08:34,560
- Oh.
- Moving on.
192
00:08:35,102 --> 00:08:37,771
Let me guess. That's chowder.
193
00:08:37,771 --> 00:08:39,940
That's exactly right.
And before you ask,
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00:08:39,940 --> 00:08:43,277
this position pairs just as well
with New England or Manhattan chowder.
195
00:08:44,820 --> 00:08:46,572
Spinach artichoke. It's vegan,
196
00:08:46,572 --> 00:08:48,323
pairs well with a nice light choking.
197
00:08:48,323 --> 00:08:50,909
See, I've always been a
little reluctant to go there.
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00:08:50,909 --> 00:08:53,078
Oh yeah, people are afraid to go
vegan, but it's very satisfying.
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00:08:53,787 --> 00:08:56,075
Ooh! Uh, this is a slow-cook recipe
200
00:08:56,076 --> 00:08:58,375
for a tantric mushroom and barley soup.
201
00:08:58,375 --> 00:09:01,420
For when you wanna
take 12 hours to climax.
202
00:09:01,420 --> 00:09:04,256
- Oh. What does that taste like?
- Who does that?
203
00:09:04,256 --> 00:09:06,508
It tastes like your wife
fucking the neighbor.
204
00:09:07,050 --> 00:09:08,886
- Oh, Prakash.
- Prakash.
205
00:09:08,886 --> 00:09:10,804
Yeah, Prakash sucks. Anyways,
206
00:09:10,804 --> 00:09:13,682
since we don't want this
to be a tantric meeting,
207
00:09:13,682 --> 00:09:15,058
should I just fly
through a bunch of 'em?
208
00:09:15,058 --> 00:09:16,310
Keep it moving?
209
00:09:16,310 --> 00:09:17,311
Here we go.
210
00:09:17,853 --> 00:09:20,773
Egg drop soup. No muss, no fuss,
for when you wanna make a baby.
211
00:09:20,773 --> 00:09:22,983
This is a simple recipe for tortellini,
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00:09:22,983 --> 00:09:24,818
the butthole of pastas. It's fun,
213
00:09:24,818 --> 00:09:27,863
but you're gonna need some
oil and good communication.
214
00:09:28,405 --> 00:09:30,616
Italian wedding. That's
when fuck your aunt
215
00:09:30,616 --> 00:09:32,993
while she yells at your
cousin for not becoming a cop.
216
00:09:33,744 --> 00:09:34,745
Butternut squash!
217
00:09:34,745 --> 00:09:36,830
That's when she butters
your nuts till you squash.
218
00:09:37,498 --> 00:09:40,083
I have many more.
Should I keep going or...
219
00:09:40,667 --> 00:09:42,628
I don't think that's gonna be necessary.
220
00:09:44,296 --> 00:09:46,590
Because we love it!
221
00:09:46,590 --> 00:09:48,258
- You do?
- We just have one little note.
222
00:09:48,258 --> 00:09:49,593
- Yes.
- Okay,
223
00:09:49,593 --> 00:09:52,054
we don't want the soup. We
just want the sex positions.
224
00:09:52,554 --> 00:09:54,681
Okay, that's actually crazy
225
00:09:54,681 --> 00:09:56,433
because the soup is
what's gonna make this book
226
00:09:56,433 --> 00:09:58,560
- a best seller for a thousand years.
- Mm...
227
00:09:58,560 --> 00:10:00,521
You know what? I am not a pornographer.
228
00:10:00,521 --> 00:10:02,648
I do not make art to get people off.
229
00:10:02,648 --> 00:10:05,025
I make art to get people
off and fill their bellies
230
00:10:05,025 --> 00:10:07,903
with a nice bowl of soup,
stew, chowder, or bisque.
231
00:10:07,903 --> 00:10:10,239
If you don't get that, maybe
this is not the place for me.
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00:10:10,239 --> 00:10:11,907
Oh, oh...
233
00:10:11,907 --> 00:10:14,576
- So we're just gonna steal the idea, right?
- Absolutely.
234
00:10:19,915 --> 00:10:22,292
The Russian Revolution.
235
00:10:24,169 --> 00:10:26,171
Russia, 1918.
236
00:10:26,171 --> 00:10:28,841
The Romanov family clings to power
237
00:10:28,841 --> 00:10:31,385
as Vlad Lenin and the Bolsheviks
238
00:10:31,385 --> 00:10:33,303
lead the communist revolution.
239
00:10:33,303 --> 00:10:35,180
Meanwhile, in the countryside,
240
00:10:35,180 --> 00:10:38,183
my people did what they
had done for centuries.
241
00:10:38,183 --> 00:10:40,144
Be poor Jews.
242
00:10:40,144 --> 00:10:43,439
- Real estate! Real estate!
- Get your dream hut...
243
00:10:43,439 --> 00:10:46,400
From Property Brothers Karamazov!
244
00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:48,652
Bot seeds! Bot seeds!
245
00:10:48,652 --> 00:10:51,905
You can't have a Russian
bot farm without bot seeds!
246
00:10:51,905 --> 00:10:53,490
Serf-boards!
247
00:10:53,490 --> 00:10:55,659
Put your serf on a board!
248
00:10:55,659 --> 00:10:59,037
Mud pies! Get your mud pies!
249
00:10:59,037 --> 00:11:02,332
Get your mud pies from
me, Schmuck Mudman!
250
00:11:02,332 --> 00:11:04,543
Made with the abject suffering
251
00:11:04,543 --> 00:11:07,296
and eczema of the Jewish diaspora.
252
00:11:07,296 --> 00:11:10,883
All you need to do is add war-der.
253
00:11:12,426 --> 00:11:14,344
Joshy, my sweet son, come, come help me
254
00:11:14,344 --> 00:11:17,181
with the family business!
255
00:11:17,181 --> 00:11:20,267
I don't care about the
family business, Dad!
256
00:11:20,267 --> 00:11:22,478
All I care about is falling in love,
257
00:11:22,478 --> 00:11:24,855
and I'll never meet
the girl of my dreams
258
00:11:24,855 --> 00:11:27,274
if I'm selling... mud pies.
259
00:11:27,274 --> 00:11:29,735
That's not true. I met your
mother selling mud pies!
260
00:11:30,444 --> 00:11:31,862
Her father came in, bought one,
261
00:11:31,862 --> 00:11:35,365
got absolutely horrible food
poisoning, and, as punishment,
262
00:11:35,365 --> 00:11:37,826
he made me marry his
most difficult daur-der.
263
00:11:37,826 --> 00:11:39,495
I don't want an arranged marriage.
264
00:11:39,495 --> 00:11:40,621
I can arrange that.
265
00:11:41,079 --> 00:11:43,582
Joshy, don't you see
that when you submit
266
00:11:43,582 --> 00:11:46,960
to a higher force,
good things can happen?
267
00:11:46,960 --> 00:11:48,879
It's all about submission.
268
00:11:51,632 --> 00:11:55,302
♪ Submission, submission! ♪
269
00:11:55,302 --> 00:11:56,970
♪ When you yield to a superior force ♪
270
00:11:56,970 --> 00:11:58,555
Hey, shut up! Sha!
271
00:11:58,555 --> 00:12:00,808
Sha! Stop the song. We need to talk.
272
00:12:00,808 --> 00:12:02,392
Go inside now.
273
00:12:02,392 --> 00:12:05,145
And so, the song has come
to its natural conclusion.
274
00:12:05,145 --> 00:12:08,065
Right behind you, my sour pickle.
275
00:12:08,690 --> 00:12:10,359
Bert, watch my mud pies.
276
00:12:10,359 --> 00:12:11,860
- Sure.
- Thank you.
277
00:12:13,654 --> 00:12:14,947
- Look!
- Oh no!
278
00:12:14,947 --> 00:12:17,366
- Mets continue slump?
- No!
279
00:12:17,366 --> 00:12:20,869
The idiot Tsar and his parasitic
family have been executed.
280
00:12:26,750 --> 00:12:29,086
Ugh. This is, like, really
when I miss my servants.
281
00:12:29,086 --> 00:12:30,087
Okay.
282
00:12:30,087 --> 00:12:33,090
Hey, you guys! It's me, your
girl, Princess Anastasia.
283
00:12:33,090 --> 00:12:35,676
For today's tutorial, I feel like
I've been seeing a lot of comments
284
00:12:35,676 --> 00:12:38,429
that you guys are like pretty
downtrodden and like poor or whatever.
285
00:12:38,429 --> 00:12:40,055
So, I figured I would show you
286
00:12:40,055 --> 00:12:41,640
how to de-contour your cheeks
287
00:12:41,640 --> 00:12:43,725
so that your face can
look like it has like food
288
00:12:43,725 --> 00:12:45,436
or like, I don't know, shelter.
289
00:12:45,436 --> 00:12:48,105
- Anastasia, your lunch is here!
- You guys!
290
00:12:48,105 --> 00:12:49,982
You're being so loud right now!
291
00:12:49,982 --> 00:12:51,900
I'm recording!
292
00:12:51,900 --> 00:12:53,235
Ah, kids!
293
00:12:53,235 --> 00:12:54,778
Why the long faces?
294
00:12:54,778 --> 00:12:57,781
We are not inbred like the Hapsburgs.
295
00:12:57,781 --> 00:12:59,491
We are the Romanovs!
296
00:12:59,491 --> 00:13:02,161
We only sleep with beautiful relatives!
297
00:13:02,161 --> 00:13:04,288
Ew, Dad, boundaries.
298
00:13:04,288 --> 00:13:07,082
How long is this revolution gonna last?
299
00:13:07,082 --> 00:13:09,042
I wanna go back to the Winter Palace.
300
00:13:09,042 --> 00:13:12,045
This merchant's house is so last season.
301
00:13:12,045 --> 00:13:15,549
It'll just be a matter of
time before we are reinstated
302
00:13:15,549 --> 00:13:17,843
as the rightful rulers of Russia!
303
00:13:17,843 --> 00:13:20,512
The people love us,
and what's not to love?
304
00:13:20,512 --> 00:13:22,931
With our leaky blood and weak bones?
305
00:13:25,100 --> 00:13:27,853
Oh lord, the Prince is getting sicker.
306
00:13:27,853 --> 00:13:29,271
What else are we gonna do?
307
00:13:29,271 --> 00:13:33,025
We wrapped his scrotum in garlic bulbs,
308
00:13:33,025 --> 00:13:35,444
like our family doctor prescribed.
309
00:13:35,444 --> 00:13:38,197
Speaking of, where the devil is he?
310
00:13:38,197 --> 00:13:41,074
Did someone say "the Devil"?
311
00:13:43,243 --> 00:13:44,828
Who farted?
312
00:13:44,828 --> 00:13:46,955
- Oh!
- Yes...
313
00:13:46,955 --> 00:13:49,333
My dear Rasputin.
314
00:13:49,333 --> 00:13:51,350
The only mystic in Russia that I trust
315
00:13:51,351 --> 00:13:53,629
with my medical and political advice.
316
00:13:53,629 --> 00:13:55,297
Ah, Rasputin!
317
00:13:55,297 --> 00:13:57,132
I heard some noble stabbed you!
318
00:13:57,132 --> 00:13:58,342
A mere tickle.
319
00:13:58,342 --> 00:13:59,426
Rasputin.
320
00:13:59,426 --> 00:14:02,221
Our son Alexi's health declines,
321
00:14:02,221 --> 00:14:04,973
and we're in desperate need of your...
322
00:14:04,973 --> 00:14:06,433
healing powers.
323
00:14:06,433 --> 00:14:07,726
Huh.
324
00:14:07,726 --> 00:14:09,978
Okay, up.
325
00:14:12,523 --> 00:14:13,523
Follow my hand.
326
00:14:20,739 --> 00:14:23,283
Okay. So, my diagnosis
327
00:14:23,283 --> 00:14:25,327
is that your son's body
328
00:14:25,327 --> 00:14:27,871
is being haunted by Moldovan demons.
329
00:14:27,871 --> 00:14:29,581
Fucking Moldovan.
330
00:14:30,624 --> 00:14:31,750
Anything else?
331
00:14:31,750 --> 00:14:33,085
That about covers it.
332
00:14:33,085 --> 00:14:34,628
I'm off!
333
00:14:34,628 --> 00:14:37,673
Long live the Romanovs!
334
00:14:37,673 --> 00:14:40,592
Ew! Ras-P-U-tin!
335
00:14:40,592 --> 00:14:42,719
Who'da known he'd be my favorite Putin.
336
00:14:42,719 --> 00:14:44,346
Ah!
337
00:14:44,346 --> 00:14:46,390
The White Army.
338
00:14:46,390 --> 00:14:48,142
It's about time.
339
00:14:48,142 --> 00:14:50,310
You've come to escort
us to the Winter Palace?
340
00:14:51,228 --> 00:14:53,021
Eeeee!
341
00:14:53,021 --> 00:14:55,649
Just, like, really load it up.
342
00:14:55,649 --> 00:14:58,360
Go all along the natural...
343
00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:02,239
Guys! Can you please
stop shooting out there?
344
00:15:02,239 --> 00:15:05,909
We're shooting in here.-
345
00:15:05,909 --> 00:15:07,536
Oh, my God, you guys!
346
00:15:07,536 --> 00:15:09,705
You know what, one second.
347
00:15:09,705 --> 00:15:11,165
Oh, my God.
348
00:15:11,165 --> 00:15:14,168
Okay, you guys, I'm like
literally dead right now
349
00:15:14,168 --> 00:15:16,587
because my whole family is
literally dead right now.
350
00:15:16,587 --> 00:15:18,505
I feel like I have to go into hiding.
351
00:15:18,505 --> 00:15:21,175
So, um... Watch this space and
follow along with my journey.
352
00:15:21,175 --> 00:15:22,176
Hashtag Last Romanov.
353
00:15:22,176 --> 00:15:24,636
But most importantly, before
I go, please do not forget
354
00:15:24,636 --> 00:15:27,806
to use my code "Anastasia" for
10% off your next Putzmates order,
355
00:15:27,806 --> 00:15:29,767
you guys, okay? It's really
important. Okay, I love you.
356
00:15:29,767 --> 00:15:31,477
War and Peace, bye!
357
00:15:34,938 --> 00:15:37,941
The Discovery of Fire.
358
00:16:26,824 --> 00:16:28,200
Stephanie!
359
00:17:00,190 --> 00:17:02,651
Wait, now that I'm
looking at that painting,
360
00:17:02,651 --> 00:17:04,319
I, like, really get it.
361
00:17:04,319 --> 00:17:06,196
Wait, can I just say something?
362
00:17:06,196 --> 00:17:08,532
It is so funny they call us cave people.
363
00:17:08,532 --> 00:17:10,951
- I've never been in a cave.
- Oh, me neither! Yeah, same!
364
00:17:10,951 --> 00:17:13,036
I don't even know where there is one!
365
00:17:13,036 --> 00:17:16,165
Hey, do you guys ever feel
like... like your life is a movie?
366
00:17:16,165 --> 00:17:18,041
More like a TV show.
367
00:17:18,041 --> 00:17:19,877
Oh, yeah.
368
00:17:19,877 --> 00:17:21,545
Look, there's a whole crew right there.
369
00:17:21,545 --> 00:17:23,088
You can see it in the
reflection of my glasses.
370
00:17:28,177 --> 00:17:30,679
William Shakespeare.
371
00:17:32,598 --> 00:17:35,142
It's just dirty, murky trough
water with a little bit of lemon.
372
00:17:35,142 --> 00:17:37,686
And then I don't eat till...
my first meal is lunch.
373
00:17:39,146 --> 00:17:40,898
Hey, uh, is this the
writer's room for Shakespeare?
374
00:17:40,898 --> 00:17:42,357
Uh, yeah. You the new guy?
375
00:17:42,357 --> 00:17:43,984
Yes, I am.
376
00:17:43,984 --> 00:17:46,278
I'm a man, as evidenced by my low voice.
377
00:17:47,529 --> 00:17:50,115
Sorry I'm late. Sorry
I'm late, everyone.
378
00:17:50,115 --> 00:17:51,158
Nanny called in sick.
379
00:17:51,158 --> 00:17:52,826
She's got the plague.
380
00:17:52,826 --> 00:17:56,705
So, read the latest draft of Hamlet.
381
00:17:56,705 --> 00:17:59,333
Some good stuff, some good stuff.
382
00:17:59,333 --> 00:18:01,627
Does Shakespeare like it?
383
00:18:01,627 --> 00:18:03,045
Yeah...
384
00:18:03,045 --> 00:18:05,297
Is Shakespeare in love?
385
00:18:05,297 --> 00:18:06,590
No. No, not yet.
386
00:18:06,590 --> 00:18:07,841
Keep pushing.
387
00:18:08,842 --> 00:18:11,720
Yes... Oh, hello. Who
are you? Have we met?
388
00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:14,890
Oh, um, I'm a writer
from the Oxford Lampoon.
389
00:18:14,890 --> 00:18:15,933
I'm a man.
390
00:18:17,559 --> 00:18:18,602
My penis itches.
391
00:18:18,602 --> 00:18:20,687
Mm. I was skeptical until he said that.
392
00:18:20,687 --> 00:18:23,774
Okay, so here's what I'd like to do.
393
00:18:23,774 --> 00:18:26,151
I would like to gray sky for a bit.
394
00:18:26,151 --> 00:18:28,529
Just throw some ideas around.
395
00:18:28,529 --> 00:18:31,490
See what sticks. No judgments.
396
00:18:31,490 --> 00:18:33,492
Francis Bacon, take us on our journey.
397
00:18:33,492 --> 00:18:35,828
Oh. Okay. Uh, it's pretty crazy,
398
00:18:35,828 --> 00:18:37,913
but, um, what if we do a play,
399
00:18:37,913 --> 00:18:41,500
okay, but it's got music and singing?
400
00:18:41,500 --> 00:18:44,795
So what you're suggesting,
if I'm hearing it right,
401
00:18:44,795 --> 00:18:46,880
is that people stop,
402
00:18:46,880 --> 00:18:49,341
in the middle of a
show, and start singing
403
00:18:49,341 --> 00:18:50,801
something to the equivalent of...
404
00:18:51,343 --> 00:18:53,595
♪ I'm so sad ♪
405
00:18:53,595 --> 00:18:57,683
♪ Because my uncle killed my dad ♪
406
00:18:57,683 --> 00:18:58,934
♪ Hamlet! ♪
407
00:18:58,934 --> 00:19:00,144
That's fucking awful.
408
00:19:00,144 --> 00:19:01,770
Okay, anyone else have a pitch?
409
00:19:01,770 --> 00:19:04,523
Maybe a good idea, perchance?
410
00:19:04,523 --> 00:19:07,317
What about an interracial love story?
411
00:19:07,317 --> 00:19:09,236
An English lady and a Black guy,
412
00:19:09,236 --> 00:19:11,113
but it's not about race,
413
00:19:11,113 --> 00:19:14,408
and we called it, uh,
I don't know, Othello.
414
00:19:14,408 --> 00:19:16,201
Oh, let me start off by saying this.
415
00:19:16,201 --> 00:19:18,078
I am an ally,
416
00:19:18,078 --> 00:19:19,955
but I don't think it's my story to tell.
417
00:19:19,955 --> 00:19:23,292
So, if you wanna develop it, I
would absolutely support that,
418
00:19:23,292 --> 00:19:24,668
but just remember,
419
00:19:24,668 --> 00:19:27,629
it was conceived in this room,
420
00:19:27,629 --> 00:19:30,424
was it not? Yes, t'was.
421
00:19:30,424 --> 00:19:32,468
So, technically, I own
it. It's a Shakespeare!
422
00:19:32,468 --> 00:19:33,886
This motherfucker.
423
00:19:33,886 --> 00:19:35,804
- Anything else?
- Um,
424
00:19:35,804 --> 00:19:38,390
I have a love story. It's
about two white people.
425
00:19:38,390 --> 00:19:39,683
See? Now, that's relatable.
426
00:19:39,683 --> 00:19:41,226
So, they're star-crossed lovers,
427
00:19:41,226 --> 00:19:43,687
and they're in a small
town, like Verona.
428
00:19:43,687 --> 00:19:46,023
Ooh, Italy is hot right now.
429
00:19:46,023 --> 00:19:49,026
And their houses hate each other,
but they fall in love anyway.
430
00:19:49,026 --> 00:19:51,236
And then they die tragically in the end.
431
00:19:52,446 --> 00:19:54,615
Okay, that's not quite
working for me yet,
432
00:19:54,615 --> 00:19:58,869
but let me just spitball
on it for a second.
433
00:19:58,869 --> 00:20:00,037
Okay...
434
00:20:00,037 --> 00:20:03,874
What if they're ill-fated paramours
435
00:20:04,792 --> 00:20:08,253
from two different families...
436
00:20:08,253 --> 00:20:11,215
and they come from, I want to say...
437
00:20:12,174 --> 00:20:13,967
Verona, maybe?
438
00:20:13,967 --> 00:20:15,219
Right?
439
00:20:15,219 --> 00:20:19,056
And they die in a sad way.
440
00:20:19,056 --> 00:20:20,182
And we shall call it
441
00:20:20,724 --> 00:20:23,227
Friends with Benefits.
442
00:20:23,227 --> 00:20:24,937
- I love that.
- Thank you.
443
00:20:24,937 --> 00:20:26,563
- Dynamite idea, boss.
- Thank you.
444
00:20:26,563 --> 00:20:29,775
- But, isn't that what I just pitched?
- No. You pitched me a lump of coal,
445
00:20:29,775 --> 00:20:31,652
and I, out of the kindness of my heart,
446
00:20:31,652 --> 00:20:33,695
took it and made it into a diamond.
447
00:20:34,113 --> 00:20:36,406
Okay, what you actually did was,
448
00:20:36,406 --> 00:20:39,243
I said an idea, then you repeated
it as if it was your own idea...
449
00:20:45,499 --> 00:20:48,377
You don't understand!
450
00:20:48,377 --> 00:20:50,045
The pressure I'm under!
451
00:20:50,045 --> 00:20:52,673
I have to produce!
452
00:20:52,673 --> 00:20:56,802
I have to make sure the
costumes are hot! And heavy!
453
00:20:56,802 --> 00:20:59,888
I have to cast men
454
00:20:59,888 --> 00:21:03,100
that look like pretty little women!
455
00:21:03,100 --> 00:21:05,102
Ooh, little women.
That could be something.
456
00:21:05,102 --> 00:21:08,063
That could be something awful!
457
00:21:12,568 --> 00:21:14,611
You know what? I'm sorry.
458
00:21:14,611 --> 00:21:15,946
I'm just...
459
00:21:15,946 --> 00:21:17,948
I'm rife with hunger.
460
00:21:17,948 --> 00:21:19,533
What are we doing for lunch?
461
00:21:19,533 --> 00:21:21,201
Uh... we ordered Chipotle.
462
00:21:21,201 --> 00:21:23,036
Goddammit.
463
00:21:24,705 --> 00:21:26,331
Alas, poor Yorick!
464
00:21:26,331 --> 00:21:28,167
It's fine. I-I barely knew him anyway.
465
00:21:33,046 --> 00:21:34,548
Rasputin.
466
00:21:36,467 --> 00:21:38,552
The mystical Russian priest
467
00:21:38,552 --> 00:21:42,598
who had a powerful mental
hold on the Romanov family.
468
00:21:42,598 --> 00:21:45,017
This didn't sit well
with some of the nobles,
469
00:21:45,017 --> 00:21:47,728
so they decided to kill him.
470
00:21:47,728 --> 00:21:50,397
Which, by the way, wasn't so easy.
471
00:21:52,900 --> 00:21:56,153
I'm Rasputin, and this is
getting stabbed in the back
472
00:21:56,153 --> 00:21:58,071
and thrown in the River Neva.
473
00:21:59,573 --> 00:22:03,118
Oh! Ow! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
474
00:22:05,370 --> 00:22:06,622
Throw him in!
475
00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:20,302
The Russian Revolution.
476
00:22:22,554 --> 00:22:24,098
Now, back in the shtetl...
477
00:22:24,098 --> 00:22:27,017
Isn't it great? Those
Romanov pigs are dead!
478
00:22:27,017 --> 00:22:28,977
The proletariat rules Russia.
479
00:22:28,977 --> 00:22:32,481
We must go to Moscow
and join the revolution!
480
00:22:32,481 --> 00:22:34,858
My beautiful, absolutely faithful wife,
481
00:22:34,858 --> 00:22:37,069
have you lost your mind?
482
00:22:37,069 --> 00:22:39,655
How could we leave all of this behind?
483
00:22:39,655 --> 00:22:42,366
Nice. Dad just rhymed.
Here comes another song.
484
00:22:42,366 --> 00:22:45,702
♪ We'll pack our bag and
move off to the city ♪
485
00:22:45,702 --> 00:22:48,872
♪ Where a dream life in
the ghetto waits for you ♪
486
00:22:48,872 --> 00:22:50,916
♪ Let the goyim have this
rural life so shitty ♪
487
00:22:50,916 --> 00:22:52,251
What?
488
00:22:52,251 --> 00:22:54,044
♪ This shtetl stinks, it's no place ♪
489
00:22:54,044 --> 00:22:55,337
♪ For a Jew ♪
490
00:22:56,880 --> 00:23:00,467
♪ I rather like the easy
lifestyle of the shtetl ♪
491
00:23:00,467 --> 00:23:03,762
♪ Where every murderous
Cossack knows your name ♪
492
00:23:03,762 --> 00:23:05,264
♪ Why seek out that thing fear? ♪
493
00:23:05,264 --> 00:23:07,391
♪ We've got plenty of it here ♪
494
00:23:07,391 --> 00:23:09,351
♪ My dear, the city's
no place for a Jew ♪
495
00:23:09,351 --> 00:23:12,146
- There's no place for you.
- Well, that could be.
496
00:23:12,146 --> 00:23:15,023
♪ Schmuck, you're a
schmendrik, you're a putz ♪
497
00:23:15,023 --> 00:23:18,527
♪ You've got more mud
than brains or guts ♪
498
00:23:18,527 --> 00:23:22,114
♪ Better a living shtetl schmendrik ♪
499
00:23:22,114 --> 00:23:24,741
♪ Than a dead big city Bolshevik ♪
500
00:23:24,741 --> 00:23:26,201
Bullshit!
501
00:23:26,201 --> 00:23:28,203
- Fanny, language!
- Sorry.
502
00:23:32,458 --> 00:23:33,917
♪ See, this is what I'm saying ♪
503
00:23:33,917 --> 00:23:35,377
♪ This Cossack wants us dead ♪
504
00:23:35,377 --> 00:23:37,629
♪ This Cossack has a
name, his name is Fred ♪
505
00:23:37,629 --> 00:23:39,089
- Hi, Fred.
- Hi.
506
00:23:39,089 --> 00:23:41,717
♪ I've known this anti-Semite
for most of my whole life ♪
507
00:23:41,717 --> 00:23:43,260
♪ He's the one who
stabbed your father! ♪
508
00:23:43,260 --> 00:23:44,887
♪ I stabbed him with my knife ♪
509
00:23:44,887 --> 00:23:46,638
♪ Stabbed him with his knife ♪
510
00:23:47,890 --> 00:23:49,308
♪ This Cossack's not a killer ♪
511
00:23:49,308 --> 00:23:50,976
♪ Just peckish, the poor goy ♪
512
00:23:50,976 --> 00:23:53,604
♪ Keep your hands off me,
you filthy stinking Jew ♪
513
00:23:53,604 --> 00:23:55,147
See?
514
00:23:55,147 --> 00:23:57,524
♪ But I've got just the ticket,
the delicious Mudman pie ♪
515
00:23:57,524 --> 00:24:01,737
♪ A little nosh to brighten
up your genocidal mood ♪
516
00:24:08,994 --> 00:24:10,412
Oh, uh, charades!
517
00:24:10,412 --> 00:24:12,706
He wants to do charades! Okay.
518
00:24:12,706 --> 00:24:15,125
Okay.
519
00:24:15,125 --> 00:24:17,294
First word.
520
00:24:17,294 --> 00:24:19,630
- I!
- I! Joshy, you're so smart!
521
00:24:19,630 --> 00:24:21,882
- And don't get me started on that body.
- Good.
522
00:24:21,882 --> 00:24:22,925
Second word.
523
00:24:22,925 --> 00:24:24,009
Uh... Oh!
524
00:24:24,009 --> 00:24:27,596
- Kill! Kill! Kill, kill, kill.
- Good job, Joshy.
525
00:24:27,596 --> 00:24:30,015
Uh, third word. Uh...
526
00:24:30,015 --> 00:24:31,642
Oh. A sheep?
527
00:24:31,642 --> 00:24:33,185
Yes, oh! But, a female sheep.
528
00:24:34,436 --> 00:24:36,230
- Yes... A ewe!
- Ewe?
529
00:24:36,230 --> 00:24:38,232
"I kill you!"
530
00:24:38,232 --> 00:24:39,399
Fourth word.
531
00:24:39,400 --> 00:24:40,943
- Shoe.
- Shoe?
532
00:24:40,943 --> 00:24:42,319
"I kill you shoes."
533
00:24:42,319 --> 00:24:43,737
- He hates shoes!
- I kill you, shoes.
534
00:24:43,737 --> 00:24:44,905
Oh, oh, oh!
535
00:24:44,905 --> 00:24:46,698
"I kill you, Jews!"
536
00:24:46,698 --> 00:24:48,117
- There it is.
- I told you, see?
537
00:24:48,117 --> 00:24:50,786
Yeah, you were right, okay.
538
00:24:50,786 --> 00:24:52,162
And...
539
00:24:54,623 --> 00:24:56,834
All right.
540
00:24:58,293 --> 00:24:59,670
Oh.
541
00:25:01,046 --> 00:25:03,340
Well, let's pack our one bag.
542
00:25:03,340 --> 00:25:06,218
♪ The city is the right place ♪
543
00:25:06,218 --> 00:25:10,180
♪ For these Jews! ♪
544
00:25:14,059 --> 00:25:16,895
But honestly, we should get going
if we wanna beat traffic. Let's go.
545
00:25:16,895 --> 00:25:19,148
I'm so happy.
546
00:25:23,235 --> 00:25:25,904
Hitler on Ice!
547
00:25:25,904 --> 00:25:28,157
Hey, didn't I say no repeats?
548
00:25:30,033 --> 00:25:32,119
And Adolf Hitler,
549
00:25:32,119 --> 00:25:34,955
not giving the performance
he had hoped for tonight.
550
00:25:34,955 --> 00:25:38,083
Mm. The master race isn't
lookin' so masterful.
551
00:25:38,083 --> 00:25:39,835
Very hard to perform at a high level
552
00:25:39,835 --> 00:25:42,463
when you are losing a two-front war.
553
00:25:42,463 --> 00:25:45,048
- Oh! Wow...
- Oh, no...
554
00:25:45,048 --> 00:25:47,426
You know, it really hurts when
you fall on the ice like that.
555
00:25:47,426 --> 00:25:49,219
- Absolutely, Trish.
- It does.
556
00:25:49,219 --> 00:25:51,096
And that's gonna wrap
it up for Adolf Hitler.
557
00:25:51,096 --> 00:25:53,474
Let's go to the floor
and see some scores.
558
00:25:53,474 --> 00:25:56,226
And we're gonna follow him
into the kiss and cry booth.
559
00:25:56,226 --> 00:25:58,020
And here he is with his longtime coach,
560
00:25:58,020 --> 00:26:00,397
Joseph Goebbels, and
his new bride, Eva Braun,
561
00:26:00,397 --> 00:26:02,785
and they are throwing things
at him in the audience.
562
00:26:02,786 --> 00:26:04,030
They are throwing dead flowers.
563
00:26:04,031 --> 00:26:05,694
And he's waiting for the
scores. Here they are.
564
00:26:06,820 --> 00:26:09,323
Wow. Wow! Wow. Wow.
565
00:26:09,323 --> 00:26:12,785
As expected, it's a festival of zeros...
566
00:26:12,785 --> 00:26:15,454
except for the French who gave him a 10,
567
00:26:15,454 --> 00:26:18,290
- those Vichy cowards.
- Wow.
568
00:26:18,290 --> 00:26:20,751
He got a straight-up
"fuck you" from Poland.
569
00:26:20,751 --> 00:26:22,669
I've said it before, I'll say it again,
570
00:26:22,669 --> 00:26:25,380
if you put concentration
camps in people's countries,
571
00:26:25,380 --> 00:26:27,549
you better be flawless on the ice.
572
00:26:27,549 --> 00:26:30,010
- Look at how hysterical he is.
- Wow.
573
00:26:30,010 --> 00:26:31,887
See? This is what happens
when men are in charge.
574
00:26:31,887 --> 00:26:33,347
I don't know about you guys.
575
00:26:33,347 --> 00:26:35,390
I think this is gonna turn
into one of those Hitler memes.
576
00:26:35,390 --> 00:26:36,683
- Have you guys seen those?
- Mm-hmm.
577
00:26:36,683 --> 00:26:38,769
- And, oh.
- I see a Luger.
578
00:26:38,769 --> 00:26:40,896
- I see a Luger. Wow.
- There's the Luger.
579
00:26:40,896 --> 00:26:44,316
Uh-oh, looks like he's heading
back to the bunker with Eva Braun
580
00:26:44,316 --> 00:26:47,861
to blow his psychopathic brains
right out of his shit head.
581
00:26:47,861 --> 00:26:51,448
Yeah, I have to imagine that
this is his last competition,
582
00:26:51,448 --> 00:26:53,784
and I, for one, am glad about it.
583
00:26:53,784 --> 00:26:55,536
He's a thug and bad for the sport.
584
00:26:55,536 --> 00:26:56,954
And humanity.
585
00:26:56,954 --> 00:26:58,622
The greasy-head motherfucker.
586
00:26:58,622 --> 00:27:01,542
Ho-ho! We're gonna get
some letters about that one,
587
00:27:01,542 --> 00:27:03,502
but hashtag "I stand with Trish."
588
00:27:03,502 --> 00:27:05,170
Hashtag "me too."
589
00:27:05,170 --> 00:27:06,296
I don't know about that one.
590
00:27:06,296 --> 00:27:07,714
Absolutely!
591
00:27:07,714 --> 00:27:09,842
And coming up next,
we've got men's downhill
592
00:27:09,842 --> 00:27:11,552
with Benito Mussolini.
593
00:27:11,552 --> 00:27:13,345
He can make the trains run on time,
594
00:27:13,345 --> 00:27:16,598
but can he beat his
own time on the slopes?
595
00:27:16,598 --> 00:27:19,601
Let's hope he falls down and
breaks both of his fuckin' legs.
596
00:27:21,603 --> 00:27:26,603
- Synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.MY-SUBS.com -
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