Original subtitles

Man: Haven Point, Haven Point, Haven Point, this is trawler Sea Harvester.

Position five nautical miles west of Erin Island.

Responding to unknown distress flare. Over.

- That was no flare. - Sea Harvester,

this is Haven Point Coastguard.

Can you see the vessel in distress?

Roy! You seeing anything?

No!

Wait!

Oh, Jesus!

Roy!

- Radio a Mayday. - Sea Harvester Echo Whiskey niner eight five.

Man overboard. Man overboard. Man overboard.

Roy!

Jesus.

Jesus! Skipper!

Dad!

Sea Harvester, emergency rescue team dispatched.

Please respond. Over.

Shit.

Oh!

Hi. Erm, O'Shea, isn't it? Ciarán?

My name is Lisa Nolan. Garda Lisa Nolan.

- You're not serious? - What?

- You getting in or what? - I have a bag.

Put it in the boot.

Would you like a mint?

Hmm?

No, thanks. They give me heartburn.

- Garda Nolan. - Hi.

- It is lovely to have you. - Lovely to be here.

- Lovely to have you. - Oh, coffee.

Oh, that'd be great, thank you.

Here you go.

So, what do you think of the place?

- It's gorgeous, isn't it? - It is indeed. It is indeed.

- Quiet as shite. Milk? - Er, yeah. What kind?

Cow's.

I'll just take it black, thanks.

So, you can have my desk while I'm gone.

O'Shea here will tell you with half the island leaving for the show on Dungary,

- it'll be dead this weekend. - I'm sure I'll find something to do.

I'm sure you will.

- O'Shea: There you go, now. - Thanks.

- Is she really necessary? - You tell me, boy.

You're only gone two weeks. I can handle two weeks.

You could. But you wouldn't.

Tadhg, take a look at this.

- He's a big 'un. - That's not a lobster.

Then what is it?

Agh! You bastard, you, Paddy!

You knew it was going to do that.

- I didn't, on me life. - Ugh, the smell!

- What is it? - 'Tis no feckin' lobster.

Er, I had some holiday saved that needed to be taken,

and this posting came up and I just thought, you know, what harm, why not?

Can't, er... Can't hurt with the review board, you know?

- Ah, the old review board. - Yeah.

- Where are you stationed? - Dublin Central.

- How's that working out for you? - It's great.

We've got our drugs, muggings, murders and rapes. Always on the go.

Oh, It's exciting. You can relax. There's none of that here.

You never know. It's always the quiet places where the mad shit happens.

Just open a paper.

Gleeson: In all my years, I've never seen anything like it.

O'Shea: Lisa Nolan, Jim Gleeson, local doctor.

- Hello, love. How are you? - Grand, thanks.

Wouldn't have any aspirin on you, would you, Jim?

Gleeson: I've a couple of wine gums.

- Would you like a wine gum? - You're all right.

Gleeson: Ah, look who's here.

I'd prefer it if you'd introduce me as Garda Nolan.

- Nobody minds. - I do.

- O'Shea: What happened? - Yeah, one second.

- Smith. - Lisa.

- Hi. - Hi.

Smith's a marine psychologist or something. Did I get that right?

No. It's marine ecology. Could you hold this a second?

- So how long are you here for? - I'm here two weeks.

Oh, wonderful. Wonderful. Whereabouts are you staying?

So, erm, they're, er, dead?

Dead? Oh, no, no.

No, they're... they're just sleeping.

Ow.

- So what happened? - Smith: Well...

They're, er... They're pilot whales.

It, erm... It happens with them from time to time.

- But no one, no one really knows why. - What are all these deep cuts?

Smith: Possible wounds from the rocks while being washed up here.

- They didn't beach themselves? - Oh, no, no.

No, they... they died at sea.

All of them? At once?

Yeah. Yeah, it's a strange one, all right.

- Yeah. - Squeamish?

Nolan: No. Smith: No?

- No. - Good to know.

OK, let's get on with this.

O'Shea: What's that?

- Nolan: What is "that"? - That.

It's a hand in a claw position.

It's a dead one of those.

That's good, that, isn't it?

- I don't get it. - You don't get it?

- No. - What's not to get?

- What's that? - It's a dead one of those.

No.

Don't get it.

You there, what's your name?

Tomislaw Wlodzimierz Wojciechowski.

Carry on.

Hey, Daly. Where's Cooney?

Put that cigarette out

or I'll go down and use the top of your knob as an ashtray.

O'Shea: You busy? Cooney: Not at all.

Just stripping down an oil tank.

- Where's the sarge? - Oh, he's away on his holiday.

- Leaving me up shit creek. - Why? What's up with you?

Do you remember that favour you owe me?

Well, I'm looking for some boys to help move a few things

off the beach there.

It's an hour's work tops.

What sort of things?

Let's get out of here.

Whale sandwiches forever, huh?

Daly! The shovels.

What?

Don't be leaving things behind you.

- Right you are. - Gobshite.

Brilliant.

Daly?

Where are you, you gobshite?

Daly!

...last night, but by the time the coastguard

arrived at the scene, the men were no longer on board.

With bad weather set to hamper tomorrow's search,

the hope of finding the missing fishermen alive

has grown bleaker by the hour.

Officials believe the crew of the Sea Harvester were washed overboard...

Hi. I'm just looking for an iron.

- Yeah, I'll just go and hoke it out, yeah? - Great. Thanks.

Hiya.

Hi.

Now, that's you.

- Thanks. - That gets very hot,

- so just keep it moving, yeah? - OK, thank you.

See you tomorrow.

As a woman to a man, now, I tell you, O'Shea,

there's a twinkle in the eye there for you.

- What? - He'll be up in a minute.

Do you like her?

She's all right. Bit uptight.

You should talk to her.

I do talk to her.

I mean talk to her.

- Leave him off, Una. - Do you listen to him?

Eight years I was waiting for him to go down on his knee.

Have you ever heard the like of it?

My family thought I was mad wasting my time on him.

Ah, feck them.

Ah, feck you, Brian.

Same again?

Go on.

What is it, Paddy?

Wouldn't you like to know?

Not really, no.

- You would, though. - No.

- Not really. - Paddy: You would.

If you were to know what I know, you'd want to know.

All right, tell us, then.

Right, so, between you and me,

I caught meself a sea monster today.

Swear to God, may he strike me down.

You don't believe me?

- Not a bit. - I am no liar.

- Feck off, you! - All right. Where is it?

- In me bathtub. - In your bathtub?

Having a bath.

Good night, Paddy.

Ignorant bollix.

- What? - Huh?

- What did you say? - Nothing. Didn't say a word.

He called you a bollix.

Listen, you, if this wasn't the only feckin' pub on this shittin' island,

I'd piss in it sooner than come in here.

Fine. You're barred.

Ah, I'm joking. Come on, now. Another one here now.

They're coming to get you, Barbara.

They're coming for you.

Stop it. You're acting like a child.

They're coming for you, Barbara.

Look. There comes one of them now.

Barbara: He'll hear you. Johnny: Here he comes now.

Irene!

- Irene! - What?

- Someone's at the door. - You... I'm not dressed.

All right, all right.

That better not be Paddy and his stinking lobster.

It's that bloody Declan Cooney, and he's pissed as a fart.

Don't give that cowboy any money. He'll piss it up against the wall.

Cooney, you look like death.

What are you doing?

What does he want?

To dance?

Jesus, Cooney! Are you all right, mate?

Cooney?

Tadhg! Tadhg! Tadhg!

Tadhg!

Tadhg! Oh, Tadhg!

Tadhg! Tadhg!

OK. OK. OK.

OK.

Jesus Christ. OK. Oh, God.

OK, OK. This is easy.

OK, OK, OK, I can do this.

- Hi. - Come on down for a drink.

No. I have work tomorrow.

You know, that doesn't matter.

Nobody's checking up on you. It doesn't matter out here.

- You're drunk. - No, I'm not, no.

- Is that right? - Look...

Say the alphabet backwards for me.

Erm...

Zed...

Et cetera.

Well, I hope you're not driving.

I'm taking Johnny's horse.

Yah!

You're gonna ride a horse while intoxicated?

Yeah, so. The horse is sober.

- Well, that's just brilliant. - It's great.

It's great that you're in charge here.

Erm, listen...

I think... I think we got off on the wrong foot.

It's OK.

I'm fine.

Erm...

It's nothing.

Sorry.

Last drink's gone straight to me head.

- Do you get this drunk every night? - Well, you know.

Just, er, high days and holidays.

Well, let's get you to bed.

Now you're talking.

Mmm.

Paddy: Brian. Urgh. Brian.

Urgh.

Urgh!

Oh. Oh, you little feck...

- Lisa herself. - Erm, do I have something to sign?

Oh, yes, the big one.

Thanks.

- Looks like it should be nice out. - Oh, there's a storm coming.

Really? Are the gulls flying low or something?

No. It was on the telly.

- You're not married, Lisa, are you? - No.

Like O'Shea. Well, widowed.

- Widowed? - He wouldn't tell you. No.

He's very a private fella. With a few drinks and a nod,

it might come out, but not normally, no.

There's no need for him to be here, really. I think it's a bit of a sabbatical.

Now, if you need at any stage a bigger bed, I've a lovely room,

the honeymoon suite, usually we call it, up the back of the hotel.

- It's very quiet. - No, thank you.

We have much bigger beds if there's two instead of one, you know, yourself.

- Because next week we've... - OK.

A huge stag party from Dublin,

so if you want a bigger room, now's to book it.

- OK. Thank you. Goodbye. - All right, Lisa. Have a great day.

Thank you.

Morning!

Nice place you got here. Close to the beach, all mod cons.

What happened?

Section 4.1 of the Public Order Act.

It is an offence for any person to be present in any public place

while intoxicated to such an extent

as would give rise to a reasonable apprehension...

- You arrested me. - Erm...

You passed out before I could find your house.

Garda Nolan.

But I get a reward for discovering it? A finder's fee?

We'll discuss it later.

But I get something, right?

Ah. Huh?

- O'Shea: Eurgh. - Oh. Is that your professional opinion?

A grabber.

- A what? - I've told you, Paddy,

I'm not calling it that. It needs a name that defines its genus.

I discovered it. I get to name it.

- Right. Hi. - Hi.

Hi.

Hello.

- What is that thing? - I haven't a clue.

I've never seen anything like it before. It's a completely foreign species.

I can't even begin to originate or class it.

A grabber.

Paddy.

- This attacked you? - Stuck on the ceiling, it was.

Nearly ripped me throat out.

- It's dead, right? - I'm... I'm not sure.

You're not what?

Basic tests I've done so far have shown up nothing usual or normal.

It is beyond mystifying.

I mean, really, I can't be sure without opening it up.

Ah. 'Tis dead.

Would you stop doing that? Is it any wonder it bit you?

What's that in its mouth?

That is its tongue.

Check it out.

Paddy: It spits like a frog, and strangles you.

Whippet fast and sharp.

I'm guessing this creature bleeds its prey like a leech,

consuming the blood like some sort of Vampyroteuthis.

Vampyro what?

Vampyroteuthis. It's a...

It's a... It's a rare deep-sea squid. But, no, this is not that, no.

No, this is something totally different.

Something... Something alien.

You know, in that it's undocumented, not from...

- It's gotta be worth a fortune. - But, er... But, er... But here's the thing.

When I tried to, er, clean some dirt off it...

- I stood on it a few times. - Yes.

This happened.

What does that mean?

All this thing needs to survive

is blood and water.

Could you put it on the eBay, do you think?

You're... You're not putting this on eBay.

You are so lucky she didn't kill you.

- She? - Yeah, it's a... Sorry.

Excuse me.

Yeah, it's a, er... It's a female, from what I can tell.

How can you tell?

How can I tell? Well, it's got no testicles.

- And... - It takes a scientist to realise that.

Indeed, O'Shea.

She was pregnant.

Christ.

- That's disgusting. - A small fly in the ointment there, Smith.

How did that big egg come out of that?

Mother Nature's a mysterious woman, isn't she?

Incredibly beautiful.

Are you related?

O'Shea: Do you think that grabber thing

could have anything to do with those dead whales?

- Nolan: What makes you say that? - It's just a hunch, you know.

- Nolan: You get hunches now? - Well, I watch a lot of Columbo.

- Why have we stopped? - That's Declan Cooney's car.

Cooney!

Nolan: Where could he be?

O'Shea: Nowhere without his keys.

Hmm.

Do you believe in coincidences?

- Not really. - Neither do I.

Come on.

All the lights are on.

So how come you're not in uniform?

- It's Sunday. - Ah.

And neither are you.

Suits you. You look nice.

- Smith's a nice fella, isn't he? - Oh...

Positively smashing.

He's a proper gentleman. And such polite company.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's like you. Married to his job.

I'm not... I take pride in my work.

- Unlike you. - Shhh. I'm working.

You're looking in the wrong place, Columbo.

OK, hold it steady.

You're something else, you know that?

Should have joined the army, not the guards.

Stop talking to yourself. It's very distracting.

I'm not talking to meself. I'm talking to you.

Uh-huh.

Great.

There's something up here.

Could you, er, be a bit more specific?

Oh! It stinks like that thing.

It's stuck on something.

Jesus!

Jesus! God, me nose!

It's a head!

Are you OK? O'Shea!

- What killed him, Jim? - The fact that he's just a head.

You bring me someone with a head cold or a headache

and I could do something.

But you bring me just a head and you're taking the piss.

Jesus, they could bury him in a shoe box.

Doctor, we need to know.

He was mauled in some way by some animal or... something,

I don't know.

- A tiger? - A tiger?

We can't put that in a report.

But I'm a country doctor, for God's sake.

Where am I going to run across stuff like this every day of the week?

Christ. Wait till I tell you.

Jesus, Paddy. What is it?

Paddy: How am I supposed to wash meself?

O'Shea: OK.

Here's where Cooney's car was abandoned,

here's Tadhg and Irene Murphy's house,

here's where the whales washed up and we're here.

I was hoping it would show some sort of pattern.

It's the letter. The letter zed.

Did you show that thing to anyone else before we saw it?

Well, Tadhg Murphy got a look of it before I brought it down.

It gawked on him.

Why?

We think there might be another one of those things.

At least one, anyway.

- Are you serious? - Yeah.

That thing you caught couldn't have fertilised that egg by itself.

Which would mean there's a male out there,

big enough and strong enough to knock a hole in your bathroom wall.

Smith said it needs water, right?

- Says a lot of things. - Mostly bollocks.

Whatever. But if it needs water to survive,

how could it be moving about on dry land?

It was raining.

When it's raining, there's no such thing as dry land.

There's a storm due tonight.

It'll piss it down.

OK, all of this, this area,

must be its territory, which... which would mean

it's got to be somewhere with access to the waters

- around the West Beach. - Black Rock Caves.

I caught the female just beyond there.

You know what's to blame for all this?

Global warming.

You got your icebergs melting, and your thingamajigs flooding.

The whole world is drowning and we don't have the gills for it.

What?

- I didn't say anything. - You gave me that look.

- What look? - The "I feel sorry for you" look.

- No, I didn't. - Yeah, you did.

No. I gave you the "I feel embarrassed for you" look.

Big difference.

So that's worse.

Listen, I know I'm no dandy fop PhD Smith type.

What's Smith got to do with your raging alcoholism?

I'm not a raging alcoho...

You're some character, you know that? A real character.

- I'm a social drinker. - Mm-hm, I'm sure you are.

Paddy: Now, look, the tide's coming in,

so another hour, and this place will be under water.

Brendy McGuire drowned in there, so be careful now.

Wait here.

You can be sure of that.

O'Shea: Wow.

Are we missing some fishermen?

What?

Oh, my God!

- Hello! - Jesus, my heart!

- What are you doing? - Just checking.

Well, do you know of a better way? Hmm?

Hello!

What are you expecting, "Hello, it's only me"?

- Run! - Move!

Move!

Quickly!

- Lisa, hurry, hurry. - I'm trying.

- Would you move your arse! - Get your hands off my arse.

Go!

Come on, get up!

- You OK? - Look at the size of it.

It's OK.

It can't get through that gap.

Oh, Jesus!

Leg it!

OK, go, go!

Paddy, run! Run, man!

Come on!

Regan: Haven Point Garda Station.

- Please hold. - O'Shea: No, Regan, wait, no.

We've got an emergency, a real one, a huge one.

Regan: Did you run out of whiskey, O'Shea?

Nolan: Give me that phone. We need the ERU now.

Regan: Look, love, there's a storm coming. Coastguard's called all boats back to port.

Now, whatever it is, it's gonna have to wait until the morning, all right?

Smith: Oh, good, you're back. Listen, I have a theory.

Those whales were killed as a food source for their spawn.

The eggs are buried at the beach.

- Yes, exactly. - Nolan: Yeah, we know.

- Smith: Oh. - Well done.

- What are you doing? - Everywhere this has been,

the other one's followed.

You found another one?

- Where? - It tried to eat us.

And it's huge! And it's looking for her.

Are... Are you mad? Don't do that.

- Smith, it's for the best. - No, no, no, no.

If he lights that in here, he'll...

Get it wet.

- You really are Irish. - O'Shea: Shit!

Can you shut it off?

I'll, er, see youse later, lads.

- Right... - O'Shea...

- No, it's that one here. - No, it's not.

No, it's not that one. That's just going to...

That's the wrong pipe.

Is it dead?

I think it's just resting its little...

No!

Nolan: O'Shea! Oh, my God!

It's trying to fuck me face!

Nolan: Stand up!

Get off!

Vicious little fuck.

Oh.

There goes the scientific discovery of our time.

Imagine all that we could have learnt.

Oh. It's still moving.

We're gonna need to get help from the mainland.

Oh, they'll never get across the water.

But if those eggs hatch with no whales to eat...

Yes, they will head inland to feed.

Finishing each other's sentences now?

- What? - Nothing.

Paddy: I would have helped, but I've a bad back.

Gives me shocking pain, you know yourself.

- How are you still alive? - Diet and exercise.

Took three of us to get that thing off of me.

I was always lucky.

Yeah, it mustn't have liked your blood much.

What have you been eating?

I had a bit of a banana, a bag of chips yesterday and...

You were drunk.

They're like leeches, right? They feed off the blood.

Well, when one of them bit Paddy, it almost died. Why, though?

Because Paddy was so intoxicated, his blood alcohol level was toxic.

Exactly. If we taint our blood with booze, we're poisonous to eat.

Er, yeah, in theory.

Who told me to cut back?

Tomorrow we'll be sorted, we'll get off the island,

they'll nuke the beaches or whatever they do.

All we have to worry about is tonight.

It's simple. We have a lock-in.

We stay out of the rain and we drink.

- What? - Listen, it's a hostile migratory...

- Grabbers. - For God's sake.

- Are you for real? - Show him.

That?

- You should have killed that with a hammer. - No, no, no, no.

That's just the tip

- of the bloodsucking iceberg. - Grabbers?

OK, I give up. Yes, it's a grabber. Well done.

But if it's allergic to alcohol,

couldn't we just hose it down with vodka or some shit?

How d'you know? Give it a go.

Alcohol is a poison, yes, but it needs to be ingested to have an effect.

Could we not just spray some whiskey in his mouth?

Feck that. Waste of whiskey.

If you wanna get that close to it, good luck.

- What's going on here, then? - Just discussing something.

- Looks like you're plotting something. - No, no, no, no, no.

Erm, it's more like, erm, planning, yeah.

Oh, carry on.

Great. It's her birthday next week.

Now she thinks this is something for her.

O'Shea: The only people that know about this are us.

It's gotta stay that way or we'll have a panic on our hands.

So how drunk are we talking here?

- Paddy levels of drunkenness. - You've gone off your game, boy.

No offence, but I don't think my body can handle Paddy levels.

Takes years of practice.

And with everyone hammered, there's no one in a fit state

- to call the shots. - I'll keep order.

I won't be drinking.

You? We'll both do it.

Well, that... that... that would put you both at risk.

I suggest it's just O'Shea.

Thanks. Only one of us need risk it.

And I know these people, this island, better than you.

- Should be me. - Come on.

I see what you're doing here,

but, erm, have you forgotten you're a dependent alcoholic

organising a piss-up in a brewery?

I'll do it. It'll be easier.

Lisa, I'm good to no one when I drink.

I know that. So do you.

I can do this.

- OK. - Yeah.

But just so you know, I don't drink.

I've never even been drunk. I don't know if I can.

Course you can.

And you'll be the best drunken guard this country's ever seen.

- You'll probably get promoted. - Stop.

Right, OK, well, if we're going to do this, we'll need a blood test from a healthy subject.

Lisa, you are the fittest person here.

Oh, you charmer. It's true, though.

Brian, I want a table of everything Paddy had last night.

- What night was last night? - Saturday.

- Oh, you've gotta be joking me. - Coming up.

Mmm... Mm!

He never liked me as much as her.

She was always the talented one.

Daddy's little girl.

Bitch! But...

I do have you guys, and I love you all.

Even you.

She's langered.

For the size of her, she's able to take it.

There, that's the lot.

Hmm. It's extraordinary.

Well done, you.

- Thank you. - I also had a snifter of...

- What's that? - It's a home brew.

- You bring potcheen into my bar? - A bird never flew on one wing.

- When this is over, we need to talk. - Paddy: Ah, come off it.

This could save all our lives yet.

- I'll take that. - Paddy: Careful. You will in me shit.

Paddy!

- Careful. - Ooh!

- O'Shea: Up you get. - Nice and easy.

Guys. Jim, let's get ready to do the blood test.

You're OK.

So, if you're right, this'll kill it.

Bottoms up. OK.

Eurgh!

Gleeson: It must be a teetotaller.

Smith: Bingo.

OK.

That's good.

- Point two! - Holy Christ.

You unnatural eejit. You're what'll kill us. Point two?

You're looking at 10 pints each, depending on height and weight.

We'll have to do shots. Properly tear the arse out of it.

So let's do it.

The Mass has ended. Go in peace to love and serve the Lord.

- Amen. - Thanks be to God.

Father, would you mind if I say a few words? Hi, folks. How are you?

- Go mad. - Thanks. Erm...

Just a quick announcement.

At Maher's Tavern tonight, we've having a bit of a shindig,

and you're all coming to join us

for what'll be a great night's craic.

So, tell everybody. Tell your friends, tell your families.

- Everybody's welcome. - You're throwing a party?

- Yeah. - Why?

Who needs a reason to have a laugh?

It's a welcome party for me.

Welcome party? But you're leaving in a fortnight.

- It's a goodbye party. Whatever. - You only just got here.

- What's her problem? - Erm... What we mean to say is that...

Hey, bucko, where are you going? This party's for your benefit.

- And all you are gonna be there, too. - Shh! Come on.

It's the law. And I swear to God, I'll arrest anyone here who isn't.

- You, sit down. - What...

What Garda Nolan means is that

we'd love your company.

There's no point going home to a cold, empty house,

when there'll be music and company and the craic!

- And a free bar. - A free bar?

- Oh, you're on, boy. - That's the spirit.

Now come on, it's a party, and the drinks are on us.

How are you, Bridget?

- How are you, Pascal? - How are you, love?

Eamon! How are you, love?

♪ And his money he was counting I first produced my pistol ♪

They're singing our song and playing our tune, Father!

- We're having the next dance. - No, no...

♪ Musha rain dum-a-do-dum-a-da

♪ Whack for my daddy-o

♪ Whack for my daddy-o There's whiskey in the jar-o ♪

Right, weapons. What have we got?

Crap.

I have a nail gun and a board with a nail in it.

Well, I've got a Hurley and a pellet gun.

What are we going to do with a pellet gun?

Shoot pellets. But I don't have any pellets.

Oh, right. Well, you can just wiggle it at them, then.

- All right, what have you got? - I've got a flare gun.

I dibs the flare gun.

CPS 4100 pump-action twin-jet Super Soaker.

Shoots 20 feet. The nephew's.

Brian, it's a... it's a water pistol. This thing loves the water.

It's a water pistol if you use water.

Fill it with petrol, you've got a flame thrower.

- Oh... - Dibs the water pistol.

O'Shea: Right. Look sharp, folks.

You know your stations. Guard each exit and don't let anyone out.

- Bottoms up. - Tequila!

Brian: Sláinte.

One, two, three!

- Mamie! - Two shandies, Brian, pet.

Two shandies for Mamie.

- How's the heart, Mamie? - Tiptop.

Thank Christ for that. Next!

Perfect.

- Come here, come here. - Mm-hm.

- Listen... - OK, I'm here.

At the end of the day, you know...

I don't know.

- How much have you had? - Not enough to fancy you.

Well, then, keep drinking.

Paul, take these!

♪ ...fourth of July, 1806

♪ We set sail from the sweet cove of Cork

♪ We were sailing away with a cargo of bricks

♪ For the grand city hall in New York

♪ 'Twas a wonderful craft, She was rigged fore and aft ♪

Blow.

That's it, is it?

You think I think I fancy you?

No more for you.

Well, I do.

So what do you wanna do about it?

Arrest me?

As... As... As flattering as it is to...

hear a beautiful drunk

slurring her feelings for me,

now's not the time.

Control to base. Control to base. Come in. Over.

Reading you loud and clear.

O'Shea: How you doing in there?

Ignorance is bliss.

I have to go.

- You all right? - I'm a bit bloated.

You haven't touched your pint. Are you gonna finish it?

- Hold it for me, will you? - Oh, yeah, right.

Is there some fella in there doing his make-up or something?

- Ah, they can't hold their drink. - Feck this.

Paddy: Wait. You've only had two pints. That's not...

Why do you drink so much, Ciarán?

- For the craic. - Yeah, right.

And I work every day cos I'm driven.

Always chasing them goals, you know?

Always chasing, always running.

You're too hard on yourself.

I feel like I've known you for years, you know?

Don't know why.

I'm sorry about your wife, O'Shea.

- My what? - Una told me how she died.

Of all the stories.

Nobody died.

We just... We didn't work out, that's all.

Oh. Shit, I'm sorry.

No, you're grand.

Did you split because...

Because of your alcoholic-issness?

No.

I didn't drink back then.

She met someone else.

It happens.

Feck her, O'Shea. If you want,

I'll find her and I'll sort her out for you.

What?

A toast, from an alcoholic to a workaholic.

Get it off me!

- Help me! Help! - O'Shea: Jim!

Jim! OK, keep still. Keep still, Jim.

Free drinks for everybody in the house!

Yeah!

Are you OK? Jim? Jesus, man.

Are you OK, Jim? What were you doing?

I needed a pee.

No, Jim!

No, no, Jim!

You big, ugly bastard!

Fuck that!

O'Shea: Come on, quickly! Quickly!

Oh, Jesus, Mary, Mother of God.

- Quickly, that's it, start the car. - I'm trying!

Start the car. Come on! What are you doing?

- Quickly, drive the car! - Stop it! Stop it!

We're gonna die! We're gonna die!

I'm arresting you for the murder of Dr Gleeson.

You are not obliged to say anything unless you wish to do so.

What are you doing? You can't arrest a grabber!

Brian: Base to patrol. We're dry on four taps, the kegs are outside.

We're out of spirits and wine as well.

Brian, Brian, get the door. Open the door now.

That's it, quickly. Come on.

Merciful shit.

Brian, close the fucking door!

Pull out the table!

- Smith! - I can't feel my face.

Smith! The lighter!

- God damn it, this thing's heavy. - O'Shea: Focus.

Push. Push the table toward me.

Er... Your floor... Your floor is broken.

Brian, forget that! Help us barricade the door!

- Smith! - Smith: Your floor is broken.

- Light me! - O'Shea: Come on, Lisa, push.

Lisa, push it. Focus. Look at me. Push.

You've blown it out.

Don't climb on the table. Get off the table, Lisa.

- I can't do it. - O'Shea: Brian, man, forget that.

Come and help us do this.

- Brian! What are you doing? - Smith: You did it, Brian.

- O'Shea: Put that down. - Brian did it.

No. Don't be a hero.

Great ugly bastard, have some of this shit!

Die!

Oh, Christ.

Get up, man.

What's going on?

Erm... Nothing.

- Who's that at the door? - Nobody. It's nobody.

Come on, everybody, now, into the bar. I'm gonna check the booze situation.

Smith, come on. Come on, now. Smith, come on.

We're dry.

Unless someone goes outside to change the kegs,

- we're done drinking for the night. - Ah, no, no, no, no, no.

I was just getting a taste for it.

Lisa, could you stop the music?

Folks, folks, can I have your attention, please?

Listen carefully. We're moving this party upstairs.

And what kind of a party's this?

It's... It's... It's just a precaution.

- A precaution to what? - Erm...

- I'm going home. - O'Shea: No.

- I'm pissed. - No, because nobody can. You can't.

- Why? - It's... It's raining.

This party isn't for me, Brian, is it? You lied to me.

You see, you? This is your fault!

- You brought this thing to the island! - Relax.

You'll give yourself angina.

I'll give you angina! Outside now! I claim ya!

- You can't go outside. - Because of the rain.

All right, put 'em up. Come on.

Right, I've had enough of your bollocks.

Paddy! Brian! It's not the time for this.

OK, everyone, don't worry. It's grand. We've got it all under control.

- There's nothing trying to kill you. - What?

We need more alcohol!

No! No! Stay back.

Smith, what are you doing? Smith!

Smith! Smith, listen to me. Listen to me.

It's bigger than you think. Get back inside now, please.

I'm begging you.

I need a photograph with it for National Geographic.

- And Facebook. - Paddy: Feck your photos.

- Change the kegs. - Paddy.

What? He's flutered. Sure, he'll be fine.

Go on, Smith, fine fella you are.

Smith! Listen to me, I'm begging you.

O'Shea: Get back inside, Smith. Come on.

Smith, listen to me!

Shush. You'll scare it.

You are beautiful.

Oh, wow.

Steady.

You don't want to eat me.

You see? I told you!

It's just an animal.

It doesn't want to hurt...

Oh, oh. OK, OK.

Jesus.

Everybody, upstairs now!

What the feck is that?

Brian: Come on. Keep moving.

OK, all right.

Everybody, stay calm.

Right.

What in the name of fuck were those things?

Everybody OK? Yeah?

Everyone, stay calm. Stay calm.

Has anybody been bitten?

Has anybody been bitten? Look at me. Has anybody been bitten?

No... O'Shea: No? Good.

You haven't been bitten cos of the alcohol you've been drinking.

This might sound crazy, but...

they're allergic to drunk people.

So there's no need to panic. We're safe up here.

And let's stay away from the windows. I think it's best.

We're gonna be fine.

It's swinging one of Tommy Riordan's sheep at the door.

My cat does that and then leaves it on the doorstep as a present.

Paddy: It's the bitch. A mating ritual.

The female. It's following her scent. Sure, didn't she slime you in the lab?

Well, what does that mean?

It'll try to mount you somehow.

Failing that, it'll rip you limb from limb in frustration.

Grand. Ah, sure. What can you do?

- What's your reading? - Too drunk to drive a car

but not drunk enough. We're sobering up.

What if we threw a bomb at it?

- Have you got Semtex on you? - Not on me, no.

How about if we, like, push it off a cliff or something?

Paddy: I say we feed it Father Potts.

Unless it eats shit, it'll choke to death.

- I beg your pardon? - Oh, feck.

It was a joke, Father. I apologise.

OK.

We know it does two things. It drinks blood,

and it needs water.

We took away one. We can take away the other.

- What do you mean? - We need to keep it away from the water.

- Dry it out somehow. - Paddy: Look outside.

O'Shea: There's got to be some way we can stop it. Fight fire with fire.

- Nolan: The thing. - What?

The fecking thing at Cooney's site. What's it called?

- The grabber. - Yeah, exactly.

With that thing, you could grab it, and you could just lift it up

and you could just hoist it up and leave it there and trap it,

and it'd be stuck in the air and then the sun will...

And then the sun will come up and it'll be dry and that'll dry it out.

Brian, have you got the keys to your truck?

- No, they'd be on the kitchen table. - I need them.

You're sober. You can't be going down there. Those things will rip the head off you.

- Yeah, she's right. - You mightn't get past them.

But I know someone who could.

You're talking about the drunkenest person we've got.

Absolutely not, no.

- Paddy, you go. - Feck off, you.

Brian. Brian should go.

Yeah... Yeah... Yeah, thanks. Thanks for that. Um...

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, I... Yeah, I suppose I could, yeah.

Your arse you're going. You're pickled.

- You fucking go. - Just come on.

- I'm gonna go. - No. No, it's too dangerous.

No, it's not. I'm gonna go because I'm the best drunken guard

that this country's ever seen, you said it.

Didn't you say it?

I'm just gonna get the keys.

I'm just not gonna take it lightly. I'm just gonna go, gonna get the keys.

It's gonna be grand. I'm your shining knight in silver Armour.

Strange.

Right, if you get in trouble, pull the trigger.

Oh-ho, savage.

- Oh, careful. - Brian: You missed.

- Brian, would you ever... Feck off. - Paddy.

- Just get the keys. I'll do the rest. - Got it. Just the keys.

I'll be all right.

Jesus Christ.

It's OK. I'm all right.

O'Shea: Shush. Keep your voice down.

She's a goner.

How are you gonna get to the truck?

- I run very fast. - Well, you're not that fast.

- No, you'll need a decoy. - I've got it.

If it's you it wants, we'll give it what it wants.

We'll make a dummy of you, dress it up as bait and confuse the shite clean out of it.

- How do we make a dummy? - Improvise.

Focus.

Eurgh.

Get off!

♪ Bop-a-Lena, Bop-a-Lena

♪ She's my girl

♪ Bop-a-Lena, Bop-a-Lena ♪

I love this song.

Hurry.

Everybody, stay calm.

Fire. Fire!

Do you smell smoke?

Lisa! Lisa!

Is there another way down?

Una, it's lovely.

- I don't think it's scary enough. - Stop faffing about

and bring it over to the window.

It's not a bleedin' beauty contest, Una, it's a scarecrow.

Oh, Jesus!

Lisa! Lisa!

Come on, for fuck's sake!

Go, Lisa, go!

O'Shea. O'Shea, do you read me?

We're evacuating. You did it, boy. You did it!

Stop now. Lisa, stop anywhere. OK, you can stop now.

Lisa! Lisa, stop now! Stop!

- We're here. - Jesus, you're dangerous.

Come on, quickly. Hey, it's not raining.

How long do you think it'll take it to dry out?

I don't know. A couple of hours.

Bollocks. Where's the crane?

- Shit! - Nolan: What are we gonna do now?

OK, I'm thinking that if I can get it over there...

- Wait! We're not ready! - Run, run, run!

- Give me the keys. - What keys?

- Cooney's keys. - There, go, run!

Come on, you langer. Just a little closer.

What are you waiting for?

Come on! Come and get me!

Come on, you smelly bastard.

Ahhh!

God!

Get away from him, you cunt!

Yahoo!

I think this calls for a celebration.

No!

Nolan: No!

No!

Sláinte.

Are you OK? Are you OK?

He couldn't handle his drink.

What are you doing?

Ah, shut your hole.

That was fun, wasn't it?

- Tell that to Una. - Ah, she'll be grand.

Would you like a drink?

I wouldn't say no.

- Here, I thought you had run out of drink. - Brian: Have you potcheen in your house?

Paddy: Is the Pope a Catholic?

Here.

I shouldn't have done that.

I'm just kidding. I should.

I think I'll take some time off.

- Yeah? - Mm-hm.

You know, if you lived here, you'd be home already.

- Home of the Erin Island grabbers. - Uh-huh.

It's gonna get mental around here.

I'm gonna need all the help I can get.

Wanna get some breakfast?

Yum! Yes, I do.

I think we should go and pick up Jim's dog.

Nolan: Oh, Dr Gleeson's dog? O'Shea: Yeah.

- Yeah, she'll be missing her dad. - Nolan: Aw.

I've always wanted a dog.