Original subtitles

These recommendations have been submitted by some of our residents

and we're going to give them a try.

So we're cleaning hooses now?

It's mainly elderly people, who will pay a premium

and then you're going to perform trivial tasks to help them out.

What are these, em... tasks?

Mainly cleaning windows, emptying bins,

things of that nature.

We've barely got enough time for our workload as it is.

McShane, if this world is too difficult for you

why don't you crawl back up inside your mother?

My mum's dead.

No she's no.

Questions. No? Good. OK.

"Gross, man... Eugh!"

What're these new missions we've to do?

You're gonna be giving lonely old men rubdowns,

if you know what I mean.

Is that why you look so happy, aye?

Naw.

Tomorrow I'm away to Las Vegas on a stag.

Know what they say, what happens in Vegas...

stays in Vegas?

No McShane son, what happens in Vegas is great. You tell everybody.

You're thinking of your maw and da's house.

Cos what happens in your maw and da's house should stay there.

Like that time you shagged your sister?

She was my half sister.

It was your maw I shagged....

Morning everyone.

Hi Rhona.

How are you Kaitlin?

Ah, good thanks.

Your smile's contagious.

Don't let any man take that away.

Here are your new missions.

And no skullduggery, we're in enough trouble with the council already.

Why are you saying that to us?

Well, a man is dead

and thanks to this cleaning company half of Glasgow reeks of pish.

No biggie though

I meant why are you no saying that to Kaitlin? She's with us.

When it comes to skullduggery it's always the men, Robert.

Have a nice day everyone.

Bye Rhona.

Bye Rhona.

Oh, Jock?

Your missions.

You OK?

Em... Yeah. Yeah. I...I'm fine.

You remind me of my little pinky toe.

Pin...pinky toe?

Cos I just know I'm gonna

bang you against every piece of furniture in my house.

Fag break?

Already?

What, are you looking for employee of the month?

You know, I heard smack's supposed to be easier to quit.

What're you saying, I should take up smack?

No, I'm just saying, if you're trying to quit...

What, take smack to quit smoking fags?

- Well, when you put it like that... - It was you put it like that.

I'm just saying, it's what I heard.

God, will you shut up?

'Och, come away in.'

Aye, well the only things

that are needing cleaned really are the windaes.

Mm-hm.

Right y'are!

Oh, what's The Day Today saying?

Oh, I couldnae tell you. I broke my reading glasses.

Which is awfully frustrating

cos I do like to read the paper wi' a wee cup of tea.

Oh...

Listen to this.

It says here the city's population's gonna double

by the year 2050.

Phew. Do you believe that?

Well!

What do you think?

I'll need to get a move on.

Thanks for the tea.

Aye, well...

No problem.

Oh, and, eh, thanks for reading me the papers.

All part of the service, Mrs Wallace. All part of the service.

Yous two have got a house call on this landing.

Joe Hegarty.

Heraghty.

Haggarty. And he's bogging. And he's a right creep and all.

The other day he asked me if I farted cos I blew him away.

Blew him away. Class.

Look, just... Oh, where have you been?

I'm knackered. Mrs Wallace's windaes were boggin'.

It took me ages...

Simmer down Craw. Simmer.

Look, the sooner you start the sooner you'll be finished, eh?

Fine.

Haggarty.

Hag-garty.

Joe?

How's Kaitlin been since she moved in wi' you?

Oh, the aroma in the bathroom's so much nicer...

I meant how has she been?

Since she had to leave her cheating boyfriend

and move in wi' you you daft old bastard.

Ho, I'm not that old, Jock.

Kaitlin, you alright?

It wasnae me that screamed, ya tit.

Ya bastard.

Is he deid?

There's no pulse.

God's sake...

Radio it in.

Pulse is in the wrist, ya tit. Look, there.

He's got a winning scratch card in his hand.

Wha...?

How much for?

A hunner thousand.

Pounds?

No, francs What do you think?

- What's the exchange rate for that? - The polis are coming.

This is officially a crime scene so naebody touch nothing!

"It's 25 grand each."

It's stealing Jock.

Stealing fae who?

I mean, if he had any family there'd be some photos around here somewhere.

The polis'll be here any minute.

This is oor ticket oot of cleaning stairs.

I mean, when do people like us get a chance like this?

Eh?

Are we in?

Baw deep?

Baw deep.

Baw deep.

Baw deep.

They're in there, inspector.

# OMINOUS MUSIC

You lot found the body, yeah?

You, why do you look so dubious?

Uh, cos of the smoke?

Achoo.. I mean

Quiet.

This is a private residence. Why were you lot in here?

We were working.

I thought you were just a bunch of close cleaners.

No, we offer a support service to some of our elderly customers.

So you have a work order then.

Did any of you touch the body?

Naw.

Didn't check for a pulse?

Well yeah, I did.

Oh, so you did touch him?

Why're you grilling us?

You think this is grilling?

It does seem as if you're trying to intimidate us.

If I was trying to grill, intimidate or interrogate,

you would know.

Do you not think it's a bit disrespectful, smoking in here?

Disrespectful to who?

The man is dead. Now go.

Oh, one more thing.

I want the four of you down at the station at 4pm

for an official statement.

And make sure you bring that work order.

And who do we ask for?

DCI Houle.

Inspector. There's thousands of them.

Ils nous prennent vraiment pour des cons.

Aye.

- Why've I to collect the winnings? - Cos you blend in.

Wi' who?

A' the tramps that hang aboot that bookies.

Oh... But I'm not a good liar.

It's no lying Crawford, it's a winning ticket.

Exactly.

Come on.

Baw deep.

Baw deep.

Baw deep, Crawford.

What are you doing here?

Eh, em...

Placing a bet on a sporting event.

- Oh. - Sorry.

Why are you not at work?

Trauma. We...we got the rest of the day off.

Is that why you look like you have something to hide?

I...I wouldnae know.

What're you doin' here? Do you happen to have a tip for me?

Investigating.

I'm considering the suspicious circumstances of Mr Heraghty's death.

- Haggarty. - Hegarty.

Suspicious, why's that?

That's confidential at the moment.

Mm.

What're you looking at?

Nothing! Nothing.

One more thing.

Do you buy scratch cards?

On occasion I have had a punt, yeah.

Do you have any on your person?

No, none, none. Check my pockets.

No need for that.

I'll see you at the station, at 4pm.

Cheerie bye!

You threw it in the bin?

Craw, think carefully. Where did the cleaner take the bin bag?

She put it in her wee trolley, took it through the back.

Oh, she put it in her wee trolley...

Hey hey hey, calm doon.

That must mean there's a skip roond the back of the bookies.

Pull it!

What're you lot up tae?

Eh... We're concerned citizens.

I'm sure you're aware of the toxic waste

that companies are dumping round about here.

Aye. Toxic waste, aye? Fae the bookies?

Beat it afore I phone the polis.

Got yous on camera.

Beat it.

I cannae believe you threw 100 grand in the bin, like it was nothing.

He's the only one at the counter.

If we can distract him,

get him away from the counter so he cannae see the CCTV,

we can steal back the bin bags and then get our ticket.

So who's gonna distract him?

Oh, no. No way.

You are the only one he's no seen.

You're the only one that can...distract him.

Come on, it's 25 grand each, Kaitlin.

Baw deep.

Alright?

Eh...what can I do for you?

Oh! What can you do me for?

It's a really good question if you... know what I mean?

You gonna answer it?

Oh, would you like me to...

..answer it?

That would be helpful.

I was wondering if you could, em...

..give me the odds for somethin'?

And what is that something?

What are the odds of you...

..slipping in me like a sleeping bag?

What?

'A sleeping bag?!'

Did you want him to go in you feet first?

You tellt me to flirt. What was I meant to say?

"How d'you like your sausage in the morning, smoked or blown?"

"You look like a hard worker, I've got an opening you can fill."

"I don't need a spoonful of sugar to swallow you."

Look, I've only had the one boyfriend.

We were together since school, unlike the tramps you go with.

What about Jessica?

No way.

I'm not doing that.

How no?

Because I have standards, principles and morals.

We'll give you five grand.

So how's it been living with Crawford?

It's alright.

Last night we'd a couple of drinks

and then we played a game of film parade.

Film parade?

Aye, it's like charades

only you dress up like a character from a film and act out a scene.

You come to my house on the day of my daughter's wedding

and you don't show no respect.

Here's Johnny!

Welcome to the party pal!

Robo-polis!

Sounds like a laugh.

Aye, it was at first.

And then things steered in a disturbing direction.

Oh! Hi sweetie!

That's nothing compared to what happened at breakfast this morning.

He microwaves his pants?!

Says microwaving them keeps it toasty on a cold morning.

And his bawsack looks like a goblin's purse.

Mornin'.

It's ruined walnut whips for me, man.

The beaver's...

Alright there?

Oh, yous are a bit edgy.

God dammit Crawford!

What's wrong with you?

Jessica's in position.

Aye, she said it was absolutely massive.

Aye, you'd have been so proud.

I need to call you back Gran, right? Love you.

Hiya.

Ah, my grandad's not feeling well

and he asked me to put a bet on for him.

Aye sweetie. Eh...

I had written down the horses he wanted but I've lost it.

Do you know what race it's at?

North...

Och, North...

Hampton?

Northampton, yes! If I saw it I would know it.

Can you help me?

# JAZZ FUNK

Let me just get the sheets.

So what do you do, Jessica?

Mm, trying to figure that out.

I recently moved here for a fresh start.

Ah right. That's...inspiring.

I think I know what you mean, like taking control your own life,

not answering to others.

I'm only in here till my music career takes off.

You couldnae hold your water, never mind a tune

you soppy wee shite.

Now get behind the counter and put this on for me.

Could yous go any slower?

Put it in!

How long have we got left?!

Don't know. I was just saying that for intensity.

Find out what you were looking for?

And then some.

Good luck.

Eh, Logan! Logan!

I was wondering, what kind of music do you make?

The only kind I'm qualified in. L-O-V-E.

Here, Tina Turnaff,

cash this afore one of us is sick.

Hurry up!

So...

Now you know how to place a bet, you think you'll be back?

Is that your way of asking to see me again?

I guess it is, aye.

I just got out of a relationship,

but if this bet comes through I'll take it to be a sign.

Could write a song about it.

Em, I could eat a tin of alphabetti spaghetti

and shite oot better lyrics than him.

Bye.

This is why folk call you Mick the dick, Da.

Fiver each way ya wee fanny.

We need a simple but effective process.

Rip the bags open on the couch,

any scratch cards we'll put on the table

and then gather up the rubbish and put them in bin bags.

I've no got any bin bags.

What? How no?

Kaitlin used the last one doing... what was it again?

I was a dementor fae The Prisoner Of Azkaban.

You're demented if you think that was a good film parade.

If I'm demented it's because of the last film parade you did.

# SOFT PIANO

It's American Beauty!

If I'd had real rose petals, I'd have used them!

It wouldnae have made it any less disturbing!

Would yous two just stop?

Jessica, just leave the rubbish on the couch,

the scratch cards on the table,

and I'll bring bin bags back wi' me.

I'm not raiding through these bins.

It's only fair that we cut her in evenly, and if it wasnae for Jessica

we wouldnae have got it back.

I mean, it's only an extra 15 grand

To you.

Fine.

Let's go.

Oh, and Crawford?

I'm telling Legend you've been stealing ketchup.

Aw, don't!

We're here to see DCI Hole.

Well, if it isn't the eager beavers.

That's your work order.

So we can make these statements and get up the road.

What's the rush?

# TENSE MUSIC

'What is it you want, officer?'

Inspector Hole.

Don't mind if I do.

Heule!

Were you friends with Mr Heraghty?

- Hegarty. - Haggarty!

- Heraghty. - Haggarty?

No.

So his death didn't affect you?

Aye, course it did.

I mean he smelled the same in death as he did in life.

'There he was. All deid.'

So he was dead when you found him?

Oh, aye.

I just went straight to the kitchen, rifled through the cupboards

and grabbed myself a couple of biscuits,

as you do in a situation like that.

What kind of biscuit?

It was a custard creme.

Oh! Oh!

'One thing I did notice about the body.'

For whatever reason it stuck in my head.

He'd on a cracking pair of walking socks.

Eugh!

T'as un clope?

You can't smoke in here... because of the smoke alarm.

Merci beaucoup.

Cup of tea. Yeah.

'You're sweating.'

Do you know what that tells me?

That I've got a healthy immune system?

Carrying a burden.

'Kaitlin, why are you doing this job?'

What?

Why? It's disgusting.

I know.

You ever thought about joining the pigs?

'Secrets can be a heavy thing.'

They certainly can.

Now tell me what it is.

One.

I promise you will feel much better.

Much much better.

Two.

Much, much, much...

That's enough.

Three.

I've got...

..non-motile sperm.

Agh!

Stupid...!

Unless I'm under arrest or you've got any charges I'd like to go.

I mean, I'm still hungry.

Get in there with the rest of them.

He must know something.

After Jock we're home free.

Was all of that really necessary?

No.

You're free to go.

Inspector Hule.

Heule.

This man would like to speak to you regarding Joe Heraghty's death.

Haggarty.

Did he have a winning scratch card when he was found?

Why?

He was always buying they stupid scratch cards.

I had a fake winning ticket made and switched it in the boozer.

There was no such scratch card..

Thank God.

You got him a fake winning scratch card?

I thought I'd caused him to have a heart attack. It was only a joke!

Bastard!

'Fake!'

This ticket is fake!

Look.

We stood by each other. We risked a lot.

And we did it together, for each other.

And that is the definition of real friendship, eh?

Mm. Mm, mm.

That literally means nothing to me.

Legend, whisky.

Lunch break is over. Three hours ago.

Rrgh!

Can't believe I seduced some innocent guy, raided through bins,

threw away my morals, my dignity, just for money.

You never actually got any money.

Bookies guy was cute though.

Just don't ask him to slip in you like a sleeping bag.

You're such a dick.

What's this?

Invoice. For the tomato sauce sachets you've been stealing.

I hope you've learned your lesson Crawford.

Living the life of a criminal will always ketchup wi' you.

Ketchup...

Never mind.

What're you watching?

The music channel.

That'd be better if you turned it up...

No, don't!

That no the wee guy that used to work in the bookies'?

Logan Rossi, YouTube sensation turned international music superstar.

Overnight.

He asked you out, didn't he?

Imagine if you'd said aye.

You could be there with him now, touring Europe.

But instead, you're here wi' me.

Oh well, never mind. Plenty more fish in the sea, pebbles on the beach.

Cookies in the...

Thanks, legend

Now while you're here, that reminds me,

you're workin' Saturday,

cos my wife has got me tickets to go and see that wee prick.