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1
00:00:02,728 --> 00:00:04,837
♪ ♪
2
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(school bell rings)
3
00:00:09,193 --> 00:00:10,417
"Then Papa Bear said,
4
00:00:10,511 --> 00:00:13,086
'Someone's been sleeping
in my bed.'"
5
00:00:13,239 --> 00:00:15,255
This book is so unrealistic.
6
00:00:15,407 --> 00:00:19,243
Dads sleep on the weight bench
in the garage, right?
7
00:00:19,245 --> 00:00:21,595
Okay, Riley, ready to do this?
8
00:00:22,598 --> 00:00:25,173
Tell you what,
you just hang out in there
9
00:00:25,192 --> 00:00:27,251
while I read, okay?
10
00:00:27,269 --> 00:00:29,511
Oh, this dumb book.
11
00:00:29,605 --> 00:00:33,607
"Every day, the milkman brings
fresh milk to your milk box."
12
00:00:34,760 --> 00:00:38,353
But... the milkman
has to be real careful,
13
00:00:38,447 --> 00:00:41,098
because hiding inside
every milk box is...
14
00:00:41,191 --> 00:00:43,767
a fart monster!
15
00:00:43,786 --> 00:00:45,693
(mimics flatulence)
16
00:00:45,713 --> 00:00:47,212
Does it really say that?
17
00:00:47,364 --> 00:00:51,050
Sit back, kid, and I'll tell you
where milk really comes from.
18
00:00:52,111 --> 00:00:54,795
On the farm,
cows eat pig boogers...
19
00:00:54,889 --> 00:00:56,204
Moo!
20
00:00:56,223 --> 00:00:58,465
BART:
...which their butts
turn into milk.
21
00:00:58,617 --> 00:01:01,952
Then the cows
are loaded onto farm rockets.
22
00:01:01,970 --> 00:01:03,878
(mooing)
23
00:01:03,898 --> 00:01:06,565
(cackles)
24
00:01:06,792 --> 00:01:08,292
BART:
But space goats
and astro donkeys
25
00:01:08,310 --> 00:01:10,811
headbutt the beef shuttle!
26
00:01:10,963 --> 00:01:14,364
And that
is where milk comes from.
27
00:01:16,468 --> 00:01:18,135
(laughing)
28
00:01:18,228 --> 00:01:20,654
I thought drawing in books
wasn't allowed.
29
00:01:20,748 --> 00:01:22,414
Hey, who's the big kid here?
30
00:01:22,566 --> 00:01:24,249
You are.
31
00:01:31,500 --> 00:01:32,649
(gulps)
32
00:01:32,668 --> 00:01:34,576
Thanks to your little prank,
33
00:01:34,595 --> 00:01:37,912
-25 library books were ruined.
-(sighs)
34
00:01:37,932 --> 00:01:41,007
Haven't we told you
that books are precious?
35
00:01:41,102 --> 00:01:43,827
I'm afraid to count
how many times I've said that.
36
00:01:43,846 --> 00:01:44,937
No, you weren't even there.
37
00:01:45,106 --> 00:01:47,164
I was just trying
to make it fun for the kid.
38
00:01:47,182 --> 00:01:48,590
You never take my side.
39
00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:51,944
Side? Get a load of this kid
with a side.
40
00:01:52,095 --> 00:01:53,946
How dare you defend yourself?
41
00:01:54,097 --> 00:01:56,006
You are the destroyer!
42
00:01:56,024 --> 00:01:57,432
Yes, that's it.
43
00:01:57,526 --> 00:01:58,692
The destroyer.
44
00:01:58,786 --> 00:01:59,860
You ruin everything,
45
00:01:59,954 --> 00:02:02,195
even our holiday picture.
46
00:02:02,289 --> 00:02:05,940
HOMER:
There's no such thing
as Christmas fangs!
47
00:02:06,034 --> 00:02:09,536
I had to wear a scarf
to midnight mass.
48
00:02:09,630 --> 00:02:11,797
I don't have a moment
when I'm not worried
49
00:02:11,948 --> 00:02:13,540
about what you'll do next.
50
00:02:13,692 --> 00:02:15,375
I can't... I ju...
51
00:02:15,469 --> 00:02:16,693
(panting)
52
00:02:16,786 --> 00:02:17,711
I can't...
53
00:02:17,863 --> 00:02:19,363
Babe, babe, tag me in.
54
00:02:19,365 --> 00:02:21,531
I can take him.
Destroyer.
55
00:02:21,625 --> 00:02:24,551
Our house is filled
with unexploded pranks.
56
00:02:24,703 --> 00:02:28,463
Any toilet seat
could be covered in superglue.
57
00:02:28,557 --> 00:02:30,131
Bart put hot dog water
in the ice maker.
58
00:02:30,151 --> 00:02:31,984
He's the destroyer!
59
00:02:32,135 --> 00:02:33,710
I just told him that.
60
00:02:33,803 --> 00:02:35,195
Good.
61
00:02:36,657 --> 00:02:39,065
Ten years as your father
has left me empty.
62
00:02:39,218 --> 00:02:41,476
Like an orange soda bottle
at a picnic--
63
00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:44,646
sticky and covered
with dying bees!
64
00:02:44,665 --> 00:02:45,813
I'm just...
65
00:02:45,833 --> 00:02:47,891
I c... I can't...
66
00:02:47,910 --> 00:02:49,168
Babe, babe.
67
00:02:49,395 --> 00:02:50,335
Okay, punishments.
68
00:02:50,487 --> 00:02:52,153
What's your
least favorite vegetable?
69
00:02:52,173 --> 00:02:53,321
Swiss chard.
(gasps)
70
00:02:53,415 --> 00:02:55,565
You're looking at a whole lot
71
00:02:55,584 --> 00:02:58,159
of swiss chard
sandwiches, buster.
72
00:02:58,179 --> 00:03:01,388
And you're never allowed
to read a book again!
73
00:03:02,499 --> 00:03:05,091
Okay, first off,
we're on your side.
74
00:03:05,244 --> 00:03:07,911
What Bart did was inexcusable.
75
00:03:07,930 --> 00:03:09,855
He's a bad kid.
Straight up.
76
00:03:10,006 --> 00:03:12,173
You're lucky you only
have him for one year.
77
00:03:12,267 --> 00:03:13,675
Well, it might be two,
78
00:03:13,769 --> 00:03:15,510
but that's another meeting.
79
00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:17,103
But don't you worry.
80
00:03:17,198 --> 00:03:20,348
The unholy parade of punishments
we've cooked up for Bart
81
00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:22,201
is both cruel and unusual.
82
00:03:22,352 --> 00:03:24,277
When he opens his eyes
every morning,
83
00:03:24,430 --> 00:03:26,096
his first thought will be,
84
00:03:26,265 --> 00:03:28,189
"Oh, no, another day."
85
00:03:28,283 --> 00:03:31,192
Before we explore
the punishment space,
86
00:03:31,212 --> 00:03:33,212
let me show you something.
87
00:03:35,198 --> 00:03:37,090
I love books now.
88
00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:40,052
(excited chatter)
89
00:03:40,203 --> 00:03:42,112
Oh, the kids haven't been
this excited to read
90
00:03:42,130 --> 00:03:45,873
since we accidentally stocked
Matthew Perry's autobiography.
91
00:03:45,893 --> 00:03:47,226
All thanks to your son.
92
00:03:47,453 --> 00:03:50,303
Bart was just trying
to help his younger peers
93
00:03:50,456 --> 00:03:52,714
engage with their
reading interactively--
94
00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:54,291
"make it fun."
95
00:03:54,309 --> 00:03:55,976
Well, he said that to us, too,
96
00:03:56,128 --> 00:03:58,128
but we didn't believe him.
97
00:03:58,146 --> 00:04:00,072
We've sort of learned
never to believe him.
98
00:04:00,241 --> 00:04:01,907
"One evening, Ralph decided
99
00:04:02,134 --> 00:04:04,559
to go for a walk
in the moonlight."
100
00:04:04,578 --> 00:04:08,154
This is the first book he hasn't
tried to kiss or wear as a hat.
101
00:04:08,249 --> 00:04:11,899
Oh, Bart is such
a wonderful, amazing son.
102
00:04:12,068 --> 00:04:14,068
That's always been our feeling.
103
00:04:14,088 --> 00:04:17,572
May I hug the people
who created Bart?
104
00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:19,758
Mmm, mmm, ooh.
105
00:04:19,985 --> 00:04:22,594
What just happened in there?
106
00:04:22,763 --> 00:04:24,263
Bart? Good?
107
00:04:24,490 --> 00:04:26,581
Nothing makes sense anymore.
108
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:30,060
I-I don't-I don't think
this is our car.
109
00:04:31,013 --> 00:04:32,996
What color is our car, Marge?
110
00:04:33,015 --> 00:04:34,106
Black? Uh...
111
00:04:34,257 --> 00:04:36,516
No, no, no,
that's-that's not it.
112
00:04:36,668 --> 00:04:39,352
How is it everyone else
saw the best in Bart
113
00:04:39,521 --> 00:04:40,687
and we didn't?
114
00:04:40,839 --> 00:04:43,765
Are we horrible parents?
115
00:04:43,842 --> 00:04:47,027
I don't know. I-I mean,
we love Bart, don't we?
116
00:04:47,195 --> 00:04:49,437
Oh, so much.
117
00:04:49,531 --> 00:04:50,697
So much.
118
00:04:50,849 --> 00:04:54,668
But what if we don't
like him?
119
00:04:59,875 --> 00:05:02,208
We don't like our own son!
120
00:05:02,361 --> 00:05:04,528
We're horrible parents.
121
00:05:04,621 --> 00:05:05,787
It's not our fault.
122
00:05:05,806 --> 00:05:07,622
He just wears you down.
123
00:05:07,716 --> 00:05:09,049
I can't take it.
124
00:05:09,201 --> 00:05:11,568
And I'm the strongest person
I know.
125
00:05:11,628 --> 00:05:15,055
We weren't planning on starting
a family when we had him.
126
00:05:15,207 --> 00:05:16,631
What if, deep down,
127
00:05:16,725 --> 00:05:19,526
we blame Bart for throwing
our lives out of whack?
128
00:05:19,636 --> 00:05:21,878
That's the thing
no one ever tells you:
129
00:05:21,897 --> 00:05:24,881
having kids changes your life.
130
00:05:24,900 --> 00:05:27,067
I just wish so much
131
00:05:27,161 --> 00:05:29,386
that we could see him
like other people do,
132
00:05:29,404 --> 00:05:33,648
without all the emotional gunk
of ten years of parenting him.
133
00:05:33,742 --> 00:05:35,483
He deserves that much.
134
00:05:35,502 --> 00:05:38,912
Maybe.
But that's not how life works.
135
00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:40,714
(thunder rumbles)
136
00:05:41,900 --> 00:05:44,134
It just doesn't.
137
00:05:49,074 --> 00:05:51,725
-(yawns)
-Mm...
138
00:05:52,911 --> 00:05:55,670
Another beautiful day.
139
00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:57,247
Should we go wake the kids?
140
00:05:57,340 --> 00:05:58,023
Sure.
141
00:05:58,174 --> 00:06:01,026
Why don't we each take one?
142
00:06:01,177 --> 00:06:03,010
Two parents, two kids--
143
00:06:03,030 --> 00:06:04,938
the perfect family.
144
00:06:05,090 --> 00:06:07,366
♪ ♪
145
00:06:13,207 --> 00:06:15,332
("Morgenblätter, Op. 279"
by Strauss playing)
146
00:06:37,547 --> 00:06:40,399
♪ ♪
147
00:06:56,250 --> 00:06:58,250
♪ ♪
148
00:07:02,481 --> 00:07:04,363
So what are we looking at today?
149
00:07:04,516 --> 00:07:07,317
Well, I heard Dr. Vargas
is cheating on Dr. Chen
150
00:07:07,335 --> 00:07:09,243
with that gorgeous new resident.
151
00:07:09,337 --> 00:07:11,579
Great.
Now, what about our patients?
152
00:07:11,598 --> 00:07:14,766
I have no idea. But I made
a chart showing who on staff
153
00:07:14,918 --> 00:07:16,009
is hooking up with who.
154
00:07:16,103 --> 00:07:17,936
What is it
about big-city hospitals
155
00:07:18,087 --> 00:07:19,846
that attracts
the most melodramatic,
156
00:07:19,940 --> 00:07:22,499
sex-obsessed health workers
on Earth?
157
00:07:22,517 --> 00:07:24,526
(indistinct chatter)
158
00:07:31,768 --> 00:07:34,936
Dr. Simpson. They need you
in Room 6. Code Blue!
159
00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:36,938
-What's the crisis?
-Dr. Kern fell in love
160
00:07:37,073 --> 00:07:38,123
with his wife's sister's wife,
161
00:07:38,200 --> 00:07:40,333
and now he's questioning
everything.
162
00:07:41,444 --> 00:07:42,777
(groans)
163
00:07:42,871 --> 00:07:44,037
(beeping)
164
00:07:44,189 --> 00:07:45,188
Break's over.
165
00:07:45,323 --> 00:07:47,207
("Charge" fanfare plays)
166
00:07:47,359 --> 00:07:49,092
CROWD: Charge!
167
00:07:49,970 --> 00:07:52,712
HOMER:
I love my job.
168
00:07:52,864 --> 00:07:55,031
Okay, Homer,
bottom of the ninth.
169
00:07:55,050 --> 00:07:57,884
Let's get this stadium rocking.
170
00:07:58,036 --> 00:08:00,103
(grunting gently)
171
00:08:02,390 --> 00:08:04,191
♪ ♪
172
00:08:05,043 --> 00:08:06,651
(crowd cheering)
173
00:08:06,803 --> 00:08:07,727
HOMER:
Fifty?
174
00:08:07,879 --> 00:08:09,321
You can do better than that.
175
00:08:10,716 --> 00:08:12,365
(exclaims)
176
00:08:15,662 --> 00:08:17,570
We're almost at maximum noise.
177
00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:19,055
Maybe today's the day.
178
00:08:19,074 --> 00:08:20,999
Release the rally ferret!
179
00:08:22,193 --> 00:08:24,077
♪ Insane in the membrane ♪
180
00:08:24,229 --> 00:08:26,296
♪ Insane in the brain ♪
181
00:08:31,586 --> 00:08:32,736
(sighs)
182
00:08:32,829 --> 00:08:33,903
Maybe, in the end,
183
00:08:33,922 --> 00:08:37,224
mankind wasn't meant
to be 100 loud.
184
00:08:38,093 --> 00:08:40,018
Ah.
Well, that's my daily
185
00:08:40,169 --> 00:08:41,578
eight ounces of light beer.
186
00:08:41,596 --> 00:08:44,581
Thirst quenched,
I'll head directly home.
187
00:08:44,599 --> 00:08:47,767
Just once, I'd like to see
Homer Simpson get drunk.
188
00:08:47,861 --> 00:08:48,843
Ah, well.
189
00:08:48,862 --> 00:08:50,195
(vuvuzela blares)
190
00:08:52,107 --> 00:08:54,090
Uh-oh, better tap a new keg
191
00:08:54,109 --> 00:08:56,368
for the happiest man
in Springfield.
192
00:08:56,595 --> 00:08:58,928
Yeah, what's your secret,
Skin-man?
193
00:08:58,989 --> 00:09:00,780
Eh, a stimulating job
at a school
194
00:09:00,874 --> 00:09:02,098
full of obedient children,
195
00:09:02,191 --> 00:09:04,284
with not one
troublemaker in the bunch.
196
00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:06,770
Not a one.
197
00:09:06,788 --> 00:09:09,789
I'm all the trouble he needs.
198
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:11,049
Well, I'm off.
199
00:09:11,200 --> 00:09:13,301
See you later, wild man.
200
00:09:15,447 --> 00:09:16,721
("Lido Shuffle" by Boz Scaggs
starts playing)
201
00:09:16,873 --> 00:09:18,431
♪ Lido ♪
202
00:09:19,709 --> 00:09:21,726
♪ Whoa... ♪
203
00:09:24,790 --> 00:09:26,047
You guys are so sweet,
204
00:09:26,215 --> 00:09:28,808
surprising me with
ice cream after work.
205
00:09:28,960 --> 00:09:30,627
It was Lisa's idea.
206
00:09:30,720 --> 00:09:34,314
Well, Ice Cream Parlor
Malibu Stacy wanted some, too.
207
00:09:34,390 --> 00:09:37,450
(whoops) Ice cream party!
208
00:09:38,245 --> 00:09:40,561
Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.
209
00:09:40,581 --> 00:09:42,414
Oh, no.
210
00:09:42,641 --> 00:09:44,541
(gasping)
211
00:09:45,644 --> 00:09:47,502
Oh, no!
212
00:09:49,572 --> 00:09:50,980
MARGE:
It's a child.
213
00:09:50,999 --> 00:09:52,482
(groans)
214
00:09:52,575 --> 00:09:54,092
Homer, he's alive.
215
00:09:56,988 --> 00:09:58,655
Who are you, little boy?
216
00:09:58,657 --> 00:10:01,507
Where are your parents?
What's your name?
217
00:10:01,602 --> 00:10:03,827
I'm Bart... um, something.
218
00:10:03,920 --> 00:10:05,186
Who the hell are you?
219
00:10:06,832 --> 00:10:08,940
Now, you can't remember anything
220
00:10:09,109 --> 00:10:10,591
before the accident?
221
00:10:10,611 --> 00:10:11,926
Sorry, I got nothing.
222
00:10:12,095 --> 00:10:13,837
Well, have you ever
had amnesia before?
223
00:10:13,930 --> 00:10:15,596
No way I'd forget
something like that.
224
00:10:15,765 --> 00:10:18,174
Well, until we figure out
who this kid is,
225
00:10:18,193 --> 00:10:19,859
I'm gonna have to keep him
down at the station.
226
00:10:20,011 --> 00:10:22,345
Hey, uh, are you
a true crime buff?
227
00:10:22,364 --> 00:10:25,198
Hope so, 'cause you're sleeping
one cell over from this guy
228
00:10:25,350 --> 00:10:27,942
who is gonna be huge
on Dateline.
229
00:10:27,961 --> 00:10:29,777
No, don't take him to jail.
230
00:10:29,796 --> 00:10:31,871
He can stay at our house.
231
00:10:32,023 --> 00:10:34,782
The poor thing.
He must be so scared.
232
00:10:34,876 --> 00:10:37,636
X-ray of my butt for you.
One for you.
233
00:10:37,787 --> 00:10:39,763
Two for the lady.
234
00:10:40,974 --> 00:10:43,216
Aw, nice pile of bricks
you got here.
235
00:10:43,368 --> 00:10:45,034
So, what's your deal?
I thought rich people
236
00:10:45,128 --> 00:10:47,036
were supposed to be skinny.
237
00:10:47,130 --> 00:10:48,388
We're not rich.
238
00:10:48,464 --> 00:10:49,814
It's just that Marge and I both
239
00:10:49,966 --> 00:10:51,557
have great jobs that we love.
240
00:10:51,710 --> 00:10:53,393
(yawns)
241
00:10:53,487 --> 00:10:57,213
Everything you see here
is a result of careful planning.
242
00:10:57,232 --> 00:10:59,324
(imitates snoring)
243
00:11:01,219 --> 00:11:04,812
Is he fake-snoring so as
to imply that we're boring?
244
00:11:04,831 --> 00:11:06,331
I think he is.
245
00:11:06,558 --> 00:11:09,501
Well, let's see how he likes
a taste of his own medicine.
246
00:11:09,728 --> 00:11:11,461
(imitates snoring)
247
00:11:12,731 --> 00:11:14,414
(snoring)
248
00:11:14,508 --> 00:11:15,674
Ah, my medicine.
249
00:11:17,827 --> 00:11:19,344
Can we both admit I won this?
250
00:11:19,495 --> 00:11:22,830
(sighs)
I'll take you to your room.
251
00:11:22,924 --> 00:11:23,907
What are you waiting for?
252
00:11:23,925 --> 00:11:26,101
This ain't over anytime soon.
253
00:11:27,762 --> 00:11:30,930
Aw, the cheap bed in my room
broke for some reason.
254
00:11:31,082 --> 00:11:32,506
What you got going on in here?
255
00:11:32,526 --> 00:11:35,694
Malibu Stacy is going on
a shopping trip to the mall.
256
00:11:35,921 --> 00:11:37,178
So fun.
257
00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:39,030
Why don't you take them
out of their boxes?
258
00:11:39,182 --> 00:11:40,924
Then you can
smash them with a rock,
259
00:11:40,942 --> 00:11:42,442
light their hair on fire.
260
00:11:42,536 --> 00:11:43,426
Lot of good options.
261
00:11:43,445 --> 00:11:45,094
If I take them out of the box,
262
00:11:45,096 --> 00:11:46,779
they won't be perfect anymore.
263
00:11:46,915 --> 00:11:49,741
Uh, I might have a little OCD.
264
00:11:49,893 --> 00:11:52,293
ADHD.
Nice to meet you.
265
00:11:55,364 --> 00:11:58,007
("Morgenblätter, Op. 279"
by Strauss playing)
266
00:12:09,563 --> 00:12:12,147
♪ ♪
267
00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:17,977
-♪ Lido... ♪
-Mmm, nothing like
a morning drive
268
00:12:18,129 --> 00:12:21,406
with the top down.
Got Boz Scaggs on the radio.
269
00:12:21,557 --> 00:12:23,316
Life is tight.
270
00:12:23,392 --> 00:12:24,968
(gasps)
271
00:12:25,061 --> 00:12:26,986
-(squish)
-(tires screech)
-(crash)
272
00:12:27,063 --> 00:12:28,580
My cool-- it's gone!
273
00:12:28,807 --> 00:12:31,249
MISS SPRINGFIELD:
Goodbye, Seymour.
274
00:12:33,328 --> 00:12:34,735
(humming)
275
00:12:34,755 --> 00:12:36,588
(giggling)
276
00:12:37,832 --> 00:12:40,675
No, Maggie.
Bubble boy bad.
277
00:12:42,003 --> 00:12:44,262
Where's Mom?
I have to make my own sandwich
278
00:12:44,372 --> 00:12:46,598
and write my own
sweet note to myself
279
00:12:46,825 --> 00:12:48,749
on my lunch bag?
I mean, co...
280
00:12:48,843 --> 00:12:50,343
Ugh.
All right, um...
281
00:12:50,495 --> 00:12:54,180
"The world will be great today
because you are."
282
00:12:54,332 --> 00:12:56,090
Aw, that's sweet.
283
00:12:56,184 --> 00:12:59,444
And here's an inspirational
quote from Uncle Bart.
284
00:13:01,597 --> 00:13:03,006
"Eat my shorts."
285
00:13:03,099 --> 00:13:04,507
Oh, very clever.
286
00:13:04,600 --> 00:13:06,526
If someone actually
ate your shorts,
287
00:13:06,620 --> 00:13:07,860
what would it mean?
288
00:13:08,013 --> 00:13:09,695
I don't know, just
something you say so people
289
00:13:09,848 --> 00:13:11,438
don't mess with you,
because you're the boss
290
00:13:11,458 --> 00:13:14,441
and if they don't like it,
they can eat your shorts.
291
00:13:14,536 --> 00:13:17,537
So, did you remember
where home is yet,
292
00:13:17,631 --> 00:13:19,872
low-maintenance guest?
293
00:13:19,966 --> 00:13:21,782
Sorry, guys,
I know as much about me
294
00:13:21,876 --> 00:13:23,209
as you know about me,
295
00:13:23,378 --> 00:13:24,385
which is...
296
00:13:25,288 --> 00:13:27,955
-(belching): I rule.
-(barks)
297
00:13:27,974 --> 00:13:29,808
Aw, we're all breathing that.
298
00:13:29,976 --> 00:13:32,101
(belching)
299
00:13:33,204 --> 00:13:35,146
I know he's just
a stray kid in need,
300
00:13:35,298 --> 00:13:37,223
but I don't like him.
301
00:13:37,375 --> 00:13:39,609
I'm gonna play
a little pickleball.
302
00:13:41,804 --> 00:13:44,805
-(grunting)
-I bet his parents
don't even like him.
303
00:13:44,825 --> 00:13:46,741
I mean, who could?
304
00:13:47,661 --> 00:13:50,078
-(gasps)
-(growls)
305
00:13:54,742 --> 00:13:56,150
-♪ ♪
-(crowd cheering)
306
00:13:56,244 --> 00:13:57,836
For a guy who sweats
when he thinks,
307
00:13:57,987 --> 00:13:59,320
you've got a pretty sweet gig.
308
00:13:59,339 --> 00:14:01,506
Listen up, Memento Junior,
309
00:14:01,657 --> 00:14:03,675
just because I don't
want you alone in my home
310
00:14:03,826 --> 00:14:05,176
doesn't mean I want you here.
311
00:14:05,369 --> 00:14:08,680
Wow, thousands of drunk dads
and their bored kids
312
00:14:08,831 --> 00:14:10,073
under your total control.
313
00:14:10,241 --> 00:14:11,757
You can make them
do anything you want.
314
00:14:11,852 --> 00:14:13,167
Well, not anything.
315
00:14:13,186 --> 00:14:15,595
Actually, there are pretty
strict rules about...
316
00:14:15,689 --> 00:14:17,063
Hey, stop that!
317
00:14:21,027 --> 00:14:22,768
What have you done?
318
00:14:22,863 --> 00:14:24,571
(cheering)
319
00:14:28,443 --> 00:14:31,944
(gasps)
95? What have you done?
320
00:14:32,097 --> 00:14:33,997
And by all means, do more.
321
00:14:50,115 --> 00:14:51,948
Oh, my God.
322
00:14:52,117 --> 00:14:53,641
Can this be happening?
323
00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:00,881
A hundred!
I finally got 100!
324
00:15:00,901 --> 00:15:03,401
It's the most noise
there can ever be.
325
00:15:03,552 --> 00:15:05,719
(crowd cheering)
326
00:15:05,739 --> 00:15:08,222
Kid, I don't know who you are
or where you came from,
327
00:15:08,241 --> 00:15:10,074
but you made magic today.
328
00:15:10,226 --> 00:15:11,910
You showed this
set-in-his-ways
329
00:15:12,061 --> 00:15:13,970
old Jumbotron operator
330
00:15:14,063 --> 00:15:16,139
that there's a beautiful chaos
in this job
331
00:15:16,157 --> 00:15:18,399
I never dreamed existed.
332
00:15:18,567 --> 00:15:20,251
You're all right.
333
00:15:20,478 --> 00:15:22,420
And you're easily won over.
334
00:15:22,571 --> 00:15:25,924
(The Simpsons theme
plays on organ)
335
00:15:27,284 --> 00:15:30,336
Kid turns our house
upside down in one night.
336
00:15:30,430 --> 00:15:31,654
Who the hell am I?
337
00:15:31,673 --> 00:15:33,005
Who the hell are you?
338
00:15:33,099 --> 00:15:34,098
Oh, my God, have you heard?
339
00:15:34,250 --> 00:15:35,916
The man we
thought was Dr. Taylor
340
00:15:36,010 --> 00:15:38,344
was actually his murderous twin.
341
00:15:38,496 --> 00:15:40,680
And last night, he proposed!
342
00:15:40,774 --> 00:15:42,665
Not today, Tracey.
343
00:15:42,834 --> 00:15:44,392
(barking, meowing)
344
00:15:45,428 --> 00:15:47,428
Why are we not
treating any patients?
345
00:15:47,447 --> 00:15:48,929
Where's my staff?
346
00:15:48,949 --> 00:15:50,114
Who's ready to find out
347
00:15:50,341 --> 00:15:52,266
which of my
three co-worker lovers
348
00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:54,343
is the father of my child?
349
00:15:54,362 --> 00:15:56,454
(whooping)
350
00:15:56,605 --> 00:15:58,439
Enough!
351
00:15:58,959 --> 00:16:01,275
No more romance.
No more intrigue.
352
00:16:01,369 --> 00:16:03,369
The next person who does
anything dramatic is fired.
353
00:16:03,521 --> 00:16:05,463
And if you don't
like it, you can
354
00:16:05,690 --> 00:16:07,614
eat my shorts!
355
00:16:07,634 --> 00:16:08,949
(all gasp)
356
00:16:08,969 --> 00:16:10,635
We'll be much more
professional, ma'am.
357
00:16:10,786 --> 00:16:12,862
Maybe the sex closet
358
00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:14,380
could be a supply closet?
359
00:16:14,532 --> 00:16:17,033
And the sex-mobile
could be an ambulance.
360
00:16:17,051 --> 00:16:18,701
"Eat my shorts."
361
00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:22,563
Still don't know what it means,
but it really works.
362
00:16:24,467 --> 00:16:25,966
Hey, Jitters.
What you working on?
363
00:16:26,060 --> 00:16:27,376
I'm doing a diorama
364
00:16:27,395 --> 00:16:29,562
on the history of homework.
365
00:16:29,656 --> 00:16:32,215
Did you know that
in ancient Assyria,
366
00:16:32,308 --> 00:16:34,141
novice scribes had to get...
367
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:36,402
Oh, it's Friday, nerd.
368
00:16:36,554 --> 00:16:38,571
Put down the tweezers
and live a little.
369
00:16:38,647 --> 00:16:40,314
W-wait, let me just
finish the detailing
370
00:16:40,333 --> 00:16:42,391
on this Trapper Keeper
because then I...
371
00:16:42,485 --> 00:16:44,168
When I need to relax,
I like to watch
372
00:16:44,395 --> 00:16:45,745
a little Itchy and Scratchy.
373
00:16:45,839 --> 00:16:47,413
Yeah, I've seen the lunch boxes.
374
00:16:47,565 --> 00:16:48,414
It's not for me.
375
00:16:48,566 --> 00:16:49,674
You'll love it.
376
00:16:49,751 --> 00:16:50,733
It's about a cat and a mouse
377
00:16:50,752 --> 00:16:51,901
trying to kill each other.
378
00:16:51,994 --> 00:16:54,328
You know-- the human experience.
379
00:16:54,405 --> 00:16:57,432
♪ The Itchy and Scratchy Show. ♪
380
00:17:23,025 --> 00:17:25,043
♪ ♪
381
00:17:46,566 --> 00:17:49,734
Have you ever heard
Lisa make that sound?
382
00:17:49,885 --> 00:17:51,402
I've heard her laugh before,
383
00:17:51,629 --> 00:17:53,796
but it's always been ironic.
Or sarcastic.
384
00:17:53,815 --> 00:17:57,108
Or dubiously polite and
just a little bit put-upon.
385
00:17:57,260 --> 00:17:59,726
(laughing continuing)
386
00:17:59,746 --> 00:18:01,728
But never that.
387
00:18:01,806 --> 00:18:02,938
-Aw.
-Aw.
388
00:18:02,990 --> 00:18:06,325
Once again, cartoon violence
and mental health
389
00:18:06,477 --> 00:18:08,377
go hand in hand.
390
00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:11,814
So, how late
did you two crazy kids
391
00:18:11,907 --> 00:18:13,407
stay up watching cartoons?
392
00:18:13,501 --> 00:18:15,985
I don't know,
but all the ads on TV
393
00:18:16,078 --> 00:18:17,320
were about calling women
394
00:18:17,322 --> 00:18:20,581
who couldn't wait
to talk to us right now.
395
00:18:20,600 --> 00:18:22,433
I'm glad you had fun.
396
00:18:23,603 --> 00:18:24,827
Well, that's odd.
397
00:18:24,920 --> 00:18:26,829
Maggie never
liked that book before.
398
00:18:26,922 --> 00:18:28,314
I zazzed it up for her.
399
00:18:32,445 --> 00:18:35,504
Oh, you wrote Maggie
into the story.
400
00:18:35,598 --> 00:18:38,357
What a special
little guy you are.
401
00:18:38,509 --> 00:18:41,410
Eh, no way.
I just wanted to deface a book.
402
00:18:42,697 --> 00:18:44,330
Sure you did.
403
00:18:46,534 --> 00:18:47,625
Morning, folks.
404
00:18:47,776 --> 00:18:49,610
Why'd you break down our door?
405
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:51,537
Oh, we do that for everyone now.
406
00:18:51,631 --> 00:18:52,779
So, good news.
407
00:18:52,799 --> 00:18:55,541
I'm taking Bart away forever.
(chuckles)
408
00:18:55,693 --> 00:18:58,377
Oh. So you figured
out where he's from?
409
00:18:58,529 --> 00:19:00,696
No, but I went
to the courthouse,
410
00:19:00,715 --> 00:19:02,198
and one of those, uh, uh,
411
00:19:02,200 --> 00:19:04,566
robe-and-gavel guys
said to dump him
412
00:19:04,702 --> 00:19:07,311
at the Springfield
Maximum Security Orphanage.
413
00:19:07,463 --> 00:19:09,872
Uh, it used to be a prison,
but don't worry.
414
00:19:09,965 --> 00:19:12,541
None of the old guards
lost their jobs.
415
00:19:12,635 --> 00:19:15,544
You know, we could hang on
to Bart for a little while,
416
00:19:15,563 --> 00:19:17,804
if you want to
keep working on his case.
417
00:19:17,824 --> 00:19:19,031
No, thank you.
418
00:19:20,067 --> 00:19:22,827
Oh, hey, don't worry about it.
419
00:19:22,978 --> 00:19:24,645
I knew this was
a short-term gig,
420
00:19:24,664 --> 00:19:27,498
and I'll always have
something to remember you by.
421
00:19:28,651 --> 00:19:30,585
Why you little....
422
00:19:31,654 --> 00:19:34,321
Adios, losers.
423
00:19:34,340 --> 00:19:36,081
Next time you see
a mouse kill a cat
424
00:19:36,234 --> 00:19:38,509
in a way you never thought
possible, think of me.
425
00:19:38,661 --> 00:19:40,219
I will.
426
00:19:46,594 --> 00:19:49,220
Bart! Come back!
427
00:19:49,355 --> 00:19:52,172
We like you.
God help us, we like you.
428
00:19:52,266 --> 00:19:54,692
We like you so much.
429
00:19:55,695 --> 00:19:57,102
Stop!
430
00:19:57,255 --> 00:19:58,696
Don't take him!
431
00:20:11,936 --> 00:20:12,859
You're still here.
432
00:20:13,028 --> 00:20:14,770
My beautiful, wonderful boy
433
00:20:14,789 --> 00:20:16,714
is still here.
434
00:20:17,884 --> 00:20:19,199
(grunts)
Ow.
435
00:20:19,277 --> 00:20:20,793
What the hell?
Get off.
436
00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:22,278
I'm sorry, son.
437
00:20:22,296 --> 00:20:25,556
We just couldn't wait
to tell you something.
438
00:20:25,783 --> 00:20:27,541
We like you.
439
00:20:27,560 --> 00:20:29,785
We like our son so much.
440
00:20:29,804 --> 00:20:31,712
We just realized.
441
00:20:31,731 --> 00:20:33,064
Mm, I like you guys, too.
442
00:20:34,067 --> 00:20:37,384
Wait. What do you mean,
you just realized?
443
00:20:37,403 --> 00:20:39,237
Captioning sponsored by
20th CENTURY FOX TELEVISION
444
00:20:39,388 --> 00:20:41,130
and FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
445
00:20:41,148 --> 00:20:42,798
and TOYOTA.
446
00:20:42,817 --> 00:20:44,617
Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH
access.wgbh.org
447
00:20:49,323 --> 00:20:50,990
Come back down the staircase,
Ralphie, school's over.
448
00:20:51,142 --> 00:20:52,308
It's time to go home.
449
00:20:52,326 --> 00:20:54,810
Willie's locking up in five,
you know.
450
00:20:54,979 --> 00:20:56,662
Yeah, I heard you
the first ten times.
451
00:20:56,814 --> 00:20:58,739
Just put down the purple crayon.
452
00:20:58,833 --> 00:21:00,574
No... Ah-ah, don't draw a boat.
453
00:21:00,593 --> 00:21:02,001
Ra... No boat, Ralph...
454
00:21:02,153 --> 00:21:04,095
Don't... Don...
Well, don't get in the boat.
455
00:21:04,246 --> 00:21:05,746
You don't know where
the river goes to.
456
00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:07,932
-Ralphie. Ralphie!
-RALPH: Whee!
457
00:21:08,083 --> 00:21:10,059
♪ Lido ♪
458
00:21:11,086 --> 00:21:14,063
♪ Whoa ♪
459
00:21:15,799 --> 00:21:17,441
♪ One more job ♪
460
00:21:17,668 --> 00:21:19,259
♪ Ought to get it ♪
461
00:21:19,279 --> 00:21:22,613
♪ One last shot and we quit it ♪
462
00:21:22,765 --> 00:21:24,765
♪ One more for ♪
463
00:21:24,859 --> 00:21:27,601
♪ The road. ♪
464
00:21:27,620 --> 00:21:29,704
Shh.
33354
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