Original subtitles

One thing I realised, after all these years,

is you get what's coming to you.

Let's start at the beginning.

London, the early 80s it was rough out there, the worst recession since the war.

Thatcher had pulled the working class's pants down,

but in the same breath filed down our

conscience and replaced it with naked greed.'

You will find in the new Conservative Government

a remorseless and implacable opponent.

They called this little pocket of east London the Bermuda Triangle

because what went in was never seen again.'

♪ Peeling the skin back from my eyes... ♪

We were all just surviving back then, trying not to drown.'

OK, so we've got, er, one double bubble,

double, er, double,

double bubble... One double bubble, double egg and beans. Yeah. Sorry.

Albert Fantoni, a sweet man, an honourable man,

just a bit of a soft touch, bless him.'

Oh, you all right, Joe? Erm...

What's that doing there?

Erm, that was it,

er, Tash was just saying I should ask, er, just, erm,

i-if you c-could s-square up what you owe us?

Oh, yeah, yeah, we'll pay what we owe.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. But we'll pay it in salmon.

Salmon? Yeah, salmon. We lifted a lorry load. Fuck

all we can do with it, so you can have the lot.

No, no, that's really kind of you, but it's just that, erm,

I dunno really what we could...

Oh!

You had me there! I thought you were gonna shit yourself!

I wouldn't do that here!

I was like, "What are we gonna do with salmon?"

We are paying you in salmon, though.

Mick Neville was Albert's cousin. He tells like he could've been a contender

but we knew the truth he was soppy as a

Sunday and bullshit just poured out of him.'

About two year ago, I'm called out to fight a man by the name of George Foreman.

Eight men before me he's knocked sparko.

They call me into the ring,

my old Aristotle's going like a rabbit's nose,

I step in, I get my dukes up, he comes at me,

"Ping! Ping! Oh!"

Have you ever been kicked by a horse, Eric? It felt like that.

Hello, Alberto's. Tash, it's the Captain. Is Mick there?

No-one calls you that, Phil. You can't just give yourself a nickname.

Whatever. Just tell Mick that I'm outside,

and make sure you get this bit right,

I'm on a car phone.

Mick, Phil's outside. He's on a car phone.

A car phone? Fuck off!

He says fuck off. "I can if I want."

I can make calls anywhere. Well, as long as I can get to it in the car.

He's on a car ph... He's on a phone in his car!

Is he on that car phone again?

You know the phone you're on now? It's exactly like that,

but it's installed in a car.

Move it!

Modern tech... Tell him it's modern technology.

Oi. Yep?

Are you daft? Sorry. What did I tell ya?

Ah, Phil Pocket... Bowled about like a big-time gangster

but he didn't really have the apples to be anything but a gofer

for the likes of Joey and Crazy Clive Cornell,

the real faces, the real deal.'

You're the driver! It's not your car!

The girls are ready, babe, so I'm gonna take them to school, all right? OK.

All right, girls? Daddy loves you this much. How much do you love Daddy?

All right, soppy bollocks!

Did you get paid? Oh, yeah, erm... I need to get the girls' pressies. Yeah, no.

Er, I was actually, erm, going to talk to you about that.

Yeah, all sorted. Erm...

Yeah, and he's paying us in salmon, so...

Salmon?

Yeah. Well, smoked salmon.

Right, so, we, erm, we're gonna give the girls lumps of fish for Christmas?

Yeah, I mean... OK, no, you're right. I'll sort it.

I'll speak to Joey.

Er, kissy?

Not in front of the customers. Oh, OK, then. Yeah.

See ya.

L-Love you!

Love only gets you so far when you're down and broke.

It's not a currency and it don't pay the bills.

Everyone round here was just trying to make ends meet,

just existing, like bit-parts in someone else's story.'

What's on the agenda today, then, Joe? What we up to?

Shut up!

We were looking for any way to change our luck,

any way to get out, to get a bit more than we had,

but as my old mum used to say, you've got to be careful what you wish for.'

This Club Tropicana place is as real as they come. Yeah?

And it's a good time and the drinks are free for everyone.

That's what George Michael insisted. I saw the video.

As someone in the catering sector, I doubt the drinks would be free

but I'm sure they're making it back off the entrance fee or something like that.

George isn't paying an entrance fee. He's a celebrity.

Maybe not George, but you know what I mean.

I bet he gets so much crumpet. Oh, God, yeah! Swimming in it! Yeah.

He's a good-looking boy, that's for sure.

Lovely eyes. Cheekbones on the kid! Whoa!

He's the centrefold in this month's Just Seventeen magazine.

Why are you reading Just Seventeen? You're 45.

Here he is! Thanks for coming. Hello, Sid. How you feeling?

Are you well, Sid? All right, boy? You're probably

wondering where I've been the last few months.

Well, er, Tash did tell us about, er, Sue sleeping with her boss.

I'm really sorry to hear about that. Who told

you? Did you have a breakdown or something?

My sister's a blabbermouth.

No, that's not what this is about. I've got myself a new job.

Congratulations, then, Sidney, mate. Well done. Very

nice! Well done, Sid. Got your life back together.

Good stuff. That's not why I'm here.

I'm here because I've got a proposition for you. Oh, yeah?

I've got myself a job down in Newham. Oh, yeah?

This little warehouse.

I say little. It's big. The place is like an Aladdin's cave.

Cash, shipments, coming in and out.

Up to 50 grand. I'm in! I'm all over it.

Hold on. Slow down, mate.

He's just explaining about his new job. Yeah, let him finish, Mick. Go on.

Well, the security there is just me and a couple of wheezy old-timers.

They pretty much just let you in the back door.

How did we get here? Are you talking about a robbery?

It's not a robbery as such.

I just, er, open the door

and turn my back. That's still a robbery.

I'll have a word with Crazy Clive. Clive Cornell. Good friend of mine.

He's hardly your friend. You work for him, mate.

He is my friend. And he's a fucking lunatic.

Yeah, I think we should agree not to involve anyone called Crazy.

Sidney, can we do it tomorrow?

I'm around all day tomorrow. All day long.

Nothing in the diary.

Not tomorrow. Yeah, yeah, not tomorrow, mate.

My time is extremely valuable.

Do you understand that?

So you tell me when is the best time to do this.

That's a good question.

Erm, I haven't...

I haven't exactly... That'll be the next...

That'll be the next part of the plan that I'd have

to start thinking about and that's what I would do.

So... I'm not being funny, but he doesn't know what he's talking about.

He's just got off the back of a breakdown.

No offence. Technically, it was a breakdown.

Albert, it's 50 grand. We could all do with

a drop of that. I could do with a drop of it.

50,000 grand. I'm on the bones of my very arse as I'm talking.

You'd be the first to get caught. Look at

the size of ya. Albert's talking some common!

I've got too much to lose. I'm out!

No, Mick, you've got fuck all to lose, mate.

You're entitled to a bit of cream, boy.

I'm entitled to some cream, I never had no cream.

Big Mick's back in. Ah, fucking hell!

So...

we have a decision.

Mick's in.

Sidney, how about you?

Well, yeah, it's my job. So, you're in?

Well, yeah. I invented it. Good. Good.

Albert? Are you in?

Of course I'm not in! It's a stupid idea. Why would I be in?

To the robbery! Yeah!

Let's not say that too loudly.

50 grand between the four of you.'

That's like... 12, nearly 13 bags each, babe.

It could be a million grand for all I care, it's just way too risky.

I'm not doing it, never.

Remember when I was, like, 14 and I used to

go up west knocking out that dodgy aftershave?

Oh, yeah!

This old boy comes up to me once

and asked whether I wanna join this girl group he's putting together.

He ain't even heard me sing!

So I tell him to do one.

But every now and again I think,

"What if he was real? I could've been in Bananarama!"

Yeah. Or he could've been a nonce.

Yeah, he probably was just a nonce. Yeah.

The point is, we'll never know, will we?

I know, but he sounds quite noncey.

What are Phil and Mick saying?

They're idiots, so obviously they're up for it.

They'd need someone strong to pull it off, though, mind.

Yeah, I know, that's the problem.

A leader like...

Oh... Someone to take control.

We could clear all our debts.

Maybe get a new car. Yeah.

A holiday,

Breville sandwich maker...

I mean, yeah, Breville have been stepping it up a notch recently.

Mm-hm.

They say life is a series of decisions

and all we can do is make em.

But sometimes, one decision can change everything.'

really buff-looking fella. Really strong, mate.

Big arms. All right, boys?

Here he is. Oh, my word, look at this!

You look very dapper, mate. Do you like it?

Very dapper. Well, they always do say,

"If you wanna be the part, you gotta look the part."

"Good fortune always follows a pretty dress." Yes.

May I say I'm over the moon that you are coming on this caper with us.

Well, I just felt like, er, you really needed a

strong leader, someone to really take control.

Well, no, I'm gonna be taking control of the meeting

because it's my job and my... I'm the mastermind.

I'm not being funny, Sidney, mate, but I'm the leader, OK?

And if you've got a problem with that, then, speak to Tash.

On your toes, boys. The Firm's here.

All right, Phil? All right?

I didn't know anyone else was joining us.

Jesus Christ!

I didn't know John Travolta was joining us!

Yeah, I was...

OK, Firm, meet the boys. Boys, meet the Firm,

which I'm now part of.

He knows me all right! Clive, mate, how you doing?

Handsome Mick Neville!

I used to see you down the Ford. You know Tina.

Don't ya?

Little Tina?

OK, so if we do this thing, we do it properly,

this thing of ours. It's technically a thing of mine,

erm, but, yeah, a few more people have been added to the equation.

So we thought we'd map it out on the snooker

table because it doesn't leave a paper trail.

It's sort of like a metaphor, in a way.

So "D"... "D" for Depot, easy to remember. Sid!

Over here's your loading bay. That's where they load stuff.

OK, the triangle's the getaway van

and then the different-coloured snooker balls are us. Does that make sense?

I'm the black ball. No, you're gonna let us in.

I'm gonna let... I'll be letting everyone in.

What's the chalk?

The chalk?

W-We could think of something... Yeah.

And the table pockets? BOTH: Erm...

What about the ashtray, then? The ashtray...

Sid?

What about the fag there? Is that you?

N-No. So that's the depot,

loading bay and, er, this is us.

So... Tell him about the...

Oh, yeah. So I thought we could all wear different-coloured balaclavas,

like snooker balls. To differentiate...

Have you finished?

Er, yeah. This is Sidney. He works as security in the depot.

Does he?

You...

You haven't said anything.

N-No, I-I was, erm...

Sorry, erm...

just thinking that, er,

I dunno if I'm really up for all this,

but, erm, I was just popping my head in anyway, just to see i-if everyone was,

you know, what it would look like but not...

I'm probably... Yeah, I'm just gonna shoot

and then happy to just hear about how it all goes. OK.

See ya.

What's going on? Nah, nah, nah, nah.

You're not going anywhere, Night Fever.

You now know we're involved, so that means you are.

Well, I wasn't going to tell anyone.

Oh, he wants to be involved very much.

Actually, what he said, Clive... Don't. He wants to be leader.

I didn't say I wanted to... That's what you said.

He wore his special suit. As you can see, he looks nice. I've worn it before.

He runs a cafe, you know, so he's got experience with leading people.

Enough!

I don't like his face. Me? The ugly ape.

Well, that's horrible. Make him turn around.

Him and the coward. You two, turn around. Yeah.

I wanna... I'll miss out. Just turn around!

You,

is this a fair representation of the premises in which you work?

Well, it's not a snooker table,

but there's a green carpet in the office.

How much do you hold there? 50 grand sometimes.

You deal with me from now on. No-one else.

We'll be in contact when the job's a goer.

Yeah. We'll be in touch.

You stay! I'll stay. Keep an eye on these lot.

That was utterly humiliating, us stood there like a pair of plonkers

while all the fun happened over here.

What are you doing? What?

Great. Now we've got a crazy person involved.

♪ Lost my shape

♪ Trying to act casual

♪ Can't stop... ♪ The trouble with being

involved with someone like Crazy Clive Cornell

is you lose all control.

Days turned into weeks and no-one knew what was going on.

To be honest, they secretly hoped it had all gone away.'

Merry Christmas!

Ah, merry Christmas, lads. Cheers, mate, yeah. Nice one.

What's been new, then? Me and the big man have applied for Bullseye.

We've been getting down the Red Lion on a Thursday, have a little practice.

Yeah. Whoa, when was this decided? Because I'm much

better at general knowledge than either of you two!

It wasn't an easy decision to make.

I'm the arrows, Mick's the knowledge. Mm.

Mick does the knowledge? Yeah.

You don't even know what day of the week it is. How dare you? Hold your tongue.

D-Do a question on me. Go on. OK, in terms

of height, what is the largest breed of dog?

Great Dane! Great Dane.

What you doing? You're not quick enough. Do it again.

Do me a question now if you wanna be the quizmaster. OK.

What shoe size is Elton John?

I imagine he's about a size five. Size nine.

Nine? He has a massive feet for a man of his size. That's... Yeah.

Why are you all on your own, you weirdo? I'm not a weirdo!

Clive said I have to keep my distance from everyone, so I'm just...

Why did you come to this pub, then? You could've gone to any other pub.

Yeah, well, why should I be pushed out of my own local?

It's getting out of hand, sis, to be honest.

You said this was gonna be an easy plan. Keep your voice down, Sidney!

It was not just me that came up with this idea, it was both of us, remember?

You're the... mastermind.

I've been thinking about that. Maybe I could mastermind an escape.

What about that? Just go off-grid for a bit.

I've got my tent and my, you know, my bag.

I could just... Ahem! ..just do my press-ups.

Can you do press-ups? Yes, I can do press-ups!

I do 50 a week. Joey's here.

Don't act weird. I'm not acting weird. You are.

Hold it. Hold it.

Oh! You all right, mate? All right, Joe. Good to see ya.

We were doing a little weird quiz thing.

What, you're not gonna offer me a drink, then, Albert? Oh!

I didn't know you were coming. What would you like, mate?

Fuck off!

Listen up, we're on tomorrow. 5.00am. Nice.

We're going fishing.

Joey? Er, Mick.

Er, just a quick question. By "fishing",

are you alluding to the breaking in of Sidney's security depot?

Yes. Yes.

Yeah, in his defense,

we hadn't spoken about any sort of slang or whatever,

but I knew to roll with it, man,

and, er...

Sorry! What's wrong with you? Nothing.

The van keys. It's outside. Oh.

5.00am. 5.00am.

Oh!

Ow! Cheers, Joey, mate.

He's late.

Yeah. To be fair, he can be quite unreliable, so, er,

what's the protocol with all this, then?

Do we just pull it and call it a day?

Turn around. No-one's pulling anything.

We wait.

Anyone fancy a little game of I Spy at all? Anyone?

No, no-one wants to play I Spy.

Come on. I'll let you go first.

Go first. You go first. Show everyone how good you are.

I spy with my little eye something beginning with M.

Mick? Yeah. You know how I know? Go on.

You gave a little look out of the side of your eye,

you side-eyed me, I know straight away "That's Mick!"

I've got to be very, very, like... Mick, I know how to play the game.

Disguised in your look. You have to move your eyes but not your head.

You're just a bad loser. You're a terrible loser. Stop!

That's him. Is it?

I-I can't really tell. I dunno if it

definitely is him. No, it's definitely Sidney.

OK, well, I don't think he's ready, maybe.

I dunno. Let's go.

Let's go. Bring the coward with ya. Why can't you bring Phil?

Clive, please!

Half Pint and Ugly Ape, stay in the van.

Sorry, this ugly ape thing, that's not gonna become a thing, is it?

Shut up! There's a shooter.

I don't even know how to hold it! You put your finger through the little hole there.

Let's go!

"Christmas Wrapping" by The Waitresses

Morning, chaps! Sorry I'm late.

I had a, er, delay just with the... my car.

It was, erm,

the thing had fallen off inside into the... in the engine.

You know what cars are like when they get the thing in there!

I was... I was going, "What's that rattling sound? That's not how it normally sounds."

And then I... and then next thing, there's all smoke coming out.

Anyway, erm, I'm gonna go and strain the cabbage,

just cos I've been obviously holding it in the whole time cos of the...

my car broke down, so, yeah, I'll be back in a sec.

Ah, well, that was completely uneventful.

Just a regular, you know...

Everyone, get down on your knees or you will die!

Get the fuck down!

What? I was not expecting this.

Shut up!

Ow!

Open the shutters! Move it!

I've never done this before. Really sorry.

Open em!

Open it.

Move it!

Fucking hell!

Fucking...

Where's the fucking money?

Is that all you've got?

Where's the rest of the money?

That's everything, I swear!

Waste of my fucking time!

Big apologies for this and just...

have a lovely week. I mean... Sorry.

Bunch of fucking cowboys!

Sorry, everyone! Cowboys!

Have a nice evening.

No-one believes it now,

but they stumbled upon it on the way out.

By accident. They could so easily have missed it.'

Boxes and boxes of solid gold bars.

7,000 gold bars, to be exact.

That's a lot of sandwich makers.'

Boys...

Come on, move, we're running out of time.

I remember as a kid at school, we learnt about Howard Carter

and that group of explorers who stumbled across the tomb of Tutankhamun.'

Let's go! The men left with treasures beyond their wildest dreams,

but it was said that every man who'd taken from the tomb

was cursed with death.

So, why am I telling you all this?

Well, it turns out the gold we stole had a curse of its own.'

And I'm the only one that lives to tell the tale.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media

♪ You know you can't get away

♪ You know you can't get away

♪ You know you can't get away ♪ You know you can't get away

♪ No, you can't get away ♪ No, you can't get away

♪ No, you can't get away ♪ No, you can't get away

♪ From here

♪ No! ♪