Original subtitles

Is there anything better than Saturday-morning cartoons?

Watching them in silence?

Shh! I can't hear myself be lazy.

Uh, what's with the get up, Ma?

You're father and I are finally going to plant

that veggie garden we've been talking about.

Hey, Aunt Carolina, have you heard of this

great new thing called the grocery store?

(CHUCKLES) Oh, I'm going to miss

your black cloud nihilism

once your mom comes to pick you up.

(DOORBELL RINGING REPEATEDLY)

Overzealous ding donging. Must be Mom.

Hello, family!

Stacy!

BOTH: Aunt Stacy!

Hey, Mom.

Winifred. Get over here and join the cuddle puddle.

(CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

How was your tour?

Fourteen motivational talks, no sleep,

and the airline lost my baggage.

It was amazing.

Always so positive.

You know my motto.

Positivity brings positiveness.

Did I miss her? Did I miss her?

My favorite sister,

who's also my only sister! What's wrong?

Aren't you glad she's back?

Yeah. But you know my mom. She's all like, (EXCITEDLY) "Blah!"

And I'm all like (DRYLY) "Blegh!"

She just doesn't get me.

I saw this shirt in a mall in Tucson and thought,

"This is Winifred!"

Wow. Thanks.

Doesn't get me.

It's going to look so cute on you,

especially when you come

to my seminar today as my VIP guest.

Surprise! (AIR HORN BLARING)

This is why Dad always told us to carry an air horn.

Because you never know when an air horn can come in handy.

(AIR HORNS BLARING)

Uh, Mom, that sounds great,

but motivational seminars aren't really my thing.

(SCOFFS) What are you talking about?

Positiveness runs through your veins.

The only thing running through my veins

is cynicism and boba tea.

You've never been to one of my seminars before.

I'd really like it if you'd come.

I, uh...

I guess I'll go put on

my new abomination.

I mean, shirt.

Now that's something to celebrate.

(FEIGNS LAUGHTER)

(AIR HORNS BLARING)

Wow, there's a lot of people here.

I don't like people.

These seats are uncomfortable, right?

Not as uncomfortable as small talk.

Hi, I'm Charlie.

I'm a big Stacy Grant fan.

Positivity brings positiveness.

Just like redundancy brings redundantness.

I'm here because I almost gave up on my dreams.

But then I saw a flyer for this event.

Stacy Grant. Positivity brings positiveness.

And I knew this was the answer.

Wow. What a testament to the enduring power of print advertising.

ANNOUNCER: All right. Everybody get ready

to welcome the queen of positivity... (APPLAUDING)

...Stacy Grant.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ If you're stuck in negativity

♪ And you're looking for success

♪ Just remember

♪ Positivity brings positiveness

♪ It's a one-step program

♪ Positivity brings positiveness ♪

Oh!

MAN: Positivity brings positiveness is a registered trademark,

but only within this fictional universe.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(SIGHS) It's gonna be a long Saturday.

Before we get started,

we have a very important guest in the audience today.

Everybody, welcome my positively awesome daughter, Winifred.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Come on up, sweetie.

Say hi to the folks, honey.

This is the worst thing

that's ever happened to me.

Isn't she a hoot?

AUDIENCE: Aw!

Now, to kick things off,

we need a volunteer who's ready to embrace positiveness.

Me! Me, me, me! Pick me, pick me!

Wow! Looks like this gentleman

in the front is pumped.

Come on up.

Tell me, sir, why are you here?

Well, my name is Charlie,

and I have this dream.

I've worked on it for years,

but I'm afraid that people will laugh at me.

Charlie, fear shouldn't get in the way.

If you have a gift, use it.

Because what's the first rule of positiveness?

AUDIENCE: Positivity! Yes!

Are you ready to embrace your positivity? Yes!

Are you ready to spread your wings?

That's exactly it!

You so get me.

Then tell us your dream, Charlie.

Ever since the dawn of time,

man has yearned to fly.

And after years of experimenting with goose DNA,

I have reached the next phase of human evolution.

Anyone else sense a tone shift here?

Behold my true identity!

(AUDIENCE GASPING)

Father Goose!

(MAN READING)

Okay, this is unexpected,

but, um, at least he's putting himself out there,

which is something I can get behind.

Behind. Like where his wings are coming out.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Uh... But... (STAMMERING)

He said "but", and his wings

are coming out of his butt.

Why are you laughing?

This is not a joke!

Traffic jams could be a thing of the past.

We can all fly south for the winter.

Don't you see? Oh!

I can see you got wings coming out of your butt.

All right, that's it! Hear my mighty honk!

(SCREAMING)

(GEESE HONKING)

GRETEL: I just don't get gardening.

I wish this show had sound.

We can always add our own.

I'm an adult. I like dirt.

HAMSTER: I'm a goose. I want your dirt.

GRETEL: Ay, caramba, leave the dirt alone!

HAMSTER: Dirt is free, woman. Free!

(GEESE HONKING)

(SCREAMING)

My mighty honk has activated

the natural aggression of every goose

in the tri-state area!

Wait. You control geese?

No, I just rile them up.

What they do is their business.

(MAN READING)

I used to be embarrassed of my wings.

But now I am positive of their positiveness.

My geese and I will take over the world!

(GIBBERING)

Yes! It's beautiful!

The dirt is mine. The dirt is mine.

(CELL PHONE RINGING) Hey, what's up, Fred?

I'm in the middle of something.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Butt wings. Uh-huh.

Cool. All right. Be right there.

We have a situation. Let's go!

Gretel, let's go!

Ay, mi amor, I will fight off these geese.

Back, geese! Back!

Isn't this great?

Nobody's laughing now, huh?

Whoa! Mom!

Come, Stacy. Look at what we did together.

Actually, this is all you.

I had nothing to do with this.

Hey, butt wings, put my mom down, or I'll...

Fred, threats won't help in any situation.

Which is why we need your talents,

your brutal honesty and black cloud nihilism.

Oh, she does get me.

Hey, Charlie, let's chat.

Oh, there's too many geese.

We've got to clear our path

or we'll never get to Fred in time.

Okay, but how are we going to get rid of them?

I'm sure I can think of something,

but I just can't concentrate with all this noise.

Hey, stop! Don't you honk at me!

I can honk at you!

(CAR HORN HONKING) Honk, honk! Yeah!

How do you like it, huh?

Yeah, doesn't feel nice, does it?

This is why Dad always told us to carry an air horn.

You never know when an air horn can come in handy.

Hey, sis, let's go get some imaginary ice cream.

Whee!

Gretel, Hamster, we need an air horn.

A really loud horn. On it.

(GEESE SCREECHING)

Uh, we'll take the sunroof.

Chuck, I don't think

you've thought this through.

Maybe. But all I need is positivity

to realize my dream.

Let's be honest.

Not every dream needs to be realized.

I once dreamed I had snakes for fingers.

Should I have pursued that?

Uh... no.

No. Look at yourself.

You've got wings coming out of your butt

and a bunch of upset geese

who don't even respect you.

And they're geese. Geese, man.

This dream is dumb.

MAN: This dream is dumb is also a registered trademark,

but again, only in this fictional universe.

You sound just like my dad.

Actually, I'm more like my mom.

Hit it.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(DRYLY) ♪ If you've got an idea that's bad

♪ Don't do it ♪

You're right.

I've made a huge mistake.

I'm in way over my head.

I'll get them out of here.

Shoo, geese! Shoo!

Oh, no. I can rile them up,

but I can't rile them down.

I don't know what to do.

(HORN BLARING)

Yeah, that's what I'm talking about!

Thanks. It's much heavier than I thought.

Ah. That explains it.

We're here!

(SOBBING) I can't believe I put wings

on my butt for no reason.

It's not for no reason, Charlie.

You learned something today.

You learned

not to put wings on your butt,

and that's important.

But I think you've made positive progress today, Charlie.

Not everyone is gonna get you.

But as long as you get you,

and you don't declare war on humanity

with a grumpy goose army,

I'm sure you'll figure it out.

Or you won't. Whatever.

Can we get dinner?

Yeah, I could eat.

(SOBBING)

Well, our work here is done.

You really have a talent

for making grown men cry.

Hold on to that.

I guess you get me after all.

Why would you doubt that?

Um, this shirt?

(CHUCKLES) Fred, I know

you'd never in a million years buy a shirt like that.

I got it for you ironically.

Plus, when you put it under black light.

Brutal. I love it.

Do you mean that sarcastically

or do you actually love it?

I'll never tell.

Laser wing removal?

Why couldn't I have seen this first?

WOMAN: ♪ If you've got a dream that's bad

♪ Don't do it ♪

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Hamster and Gretel

♪ It's Hamster

♪ Hamster and Gretel ♪

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