Original subtitles

[ragtime piano music]

- [Voiceover] [mumbles], good evening, madam!

May I kiss your hand, madam?

- Have you a lovely time this evening.

[mumbles]!

Hold it, hold it, who's this one over here?!

Are you ready?

One, two, three!

Up up, there you go!

[rapid drumming]

[applause]

- Thank you.

Thank you!

Barnum's the name.

PT Barnum.

And I want to tell you that tonight on this stage

I'm going to show you every sight and wonder

that name stands for.

Including Jumbo, the largest elephant in the world.

The amazing great white whale from Labrador.

General Tom Thumb, only 25 inches from toe to crown.

Joyce Heth, oldest woman alive.

And the rarest and most beautiful bird in captivity,

the Swedish nightingale.

Plus a cast of hundreds.

No, thousands, including marching bands,

standing bands, tumbling bands, flying bands,

bands of every size, shape and description.

And here they are.

[grand music]

[applause]

Ah, no, no, no, no, no.

I know what you're thinking.

You don't see any nightingales or flying bands,

or 25 inch men.

But like I told ya, Barnum's the name

and humbug's my game.

Wait a minute, where you going?

- Home.

- Home?

- But I have a point of view to expound,

defending the noble art of humbug.

- Which I happen to be in disagreement with

as it's no more than a shoddy defense of flimflam.

So it doesn't behoove me to stick around.

- Respect for the speaker madam requires

that you listen while he sets forth his convictions.

- And respect for my own convictions requires me

to set forth, which I am doing.

- All right, then go, go.

Isolated dissent can hardly deter me.

One small voice can quiet easily be ignored.

- Good day Mr. Barnum.

- Of course it doesn't help any if that one small

voice happens to belong to his wife.

[laughing]

Charity Barnum, I'll have a kiss before you leave.

- With pleasure, Mr. Barnum.

[applause]

You may not make much sense, but you're beautiful.

[whistle blows]

- Ladies and gentlemen, in the main ring

the fight to the finish struggle of humbug versus truth.

Flimflam versus fact.

Mr. Phineas Taylor Barnum versus his good wife Charity.

An American pageant featuring stirring music,

thrilling spectacle, hilarious clowns

and savage jungle beasts.

[applause]

But first presenting Mr. Barnum himself

in an opening bit of philosophical falderal!

Mr. Barnum!

- Well the fact is my wife is a

perfect example of what I'm talking about.

You give her a mess of hard facts,

she's happy as a clam.

Serve her up a little fancy, she turns up

her nose like it was yesterday's fish.

I'll bet she's not the only one here tonight,

but whether you end up thinking that

humbug is a blessing or a curse,

you're still gonna buy it.

Why?

Because every 60 seconds in this world

a delightful phenomenon takes place

which absolutely guarantees it.

Right!

♪ There is a sucker born every minute

♪ Each time that second hand sweeps to the top

♪ Like dandelions up they pop

♪ Their ears so big, their eyes so wide

♪ And though I feed 'em bonafide baloney

♪ With no truth in it

♪ Why you can bet I'll find some rube to buy my corn

♪ 'Cause there's a sure-as-shooting sucker born a minute

♪ And I'm referring to the minute you was born

- Aha, sir!

♪ Each blessed hour brings 60 of 'em

♪ Each time the wooden cuckoo shows his face

♪ Another sucker takes his place

♪ And plunks his quarter on the line

♪ To buy my brand of genuine malarkey

♪ God bless and love 'em

♪ But don't feel sad or hopping made or cause a scene

♪ 'Cause there's a sure-as-shooting sucker born a minute

♪ But man, you might've been the minute in between

♪ If I allow that right here in my hands

♪ The smallest living human man

♪ The sight of that is surely worth a dime

♪ If I present an educated pooch

♪ Who's trained to dance the hoochie cooch

♪ What better way to waste a bit of time

♪ If I import at monumental cost

♪ A lady fair whose head was lost

♪ While crossing railroad tracks to pick some zinnias

♪ Who has no ears or eyes or nose

♪ And wears pink tights instead of clothes

♪ If that ain't worth a buck my name ain't Phineas

♪ Aw you say that's hot wash, well who cares

♪ You'll buy my hog wash long as

♪ There's a sucker born every minute

♪ Each time that second hand sweeps to the top

♪ Like dandelions up they pop

♪ Ears so big, their eyes so wide

♪ And though my tale is bonafide baloney

♪ Just let me spin it

♪ There ain't no man who can resist me wait and see

♪ 'Cause there's a sure-as-shooting sucker born a minute

♪ And friends the biggest one excluding none

♪ Is me

- Yeah!

[applause]

- Here it is in Mr. Webster's Dictionary Taylor.

Humbug, something designed to deceive or mislead.

- See, that's what comes in marrying

a schoolteacher, they go right to the books.

Chairy, I'm talking about the kind

of humbug them pilgrim fathers sold

themselves when they set sail on The Mayflower.

The belief in rosy possibilities, the dream, Chairy.

- Just one thing, Taylor.

This lady with no nose, how does she smell?

- Awful.

[laughing]

- Mr. Webster also gives a nice

synonym for humbug, lies.

- Aw Chairy.

- But don't give up Taylor, the evening's young.

You've still got some rosy possibilities.

[whistle blows]

- Rosy possibilities.

- [Horace] In the far ring, humble beginnings.

PT Barnum in his first appearance

in the main tent turns oil into gold

quicker than you can say George Washington!

[upbeat trumpet music]

- I'm telling you, they came by

the thousands in Philadelphia, Mr. Barnum.

- Uh huh.

- Now here's all the papers you'll need.

Birth certificate, bill of sale,

and writs and testimony proving

beyond the shadow of a doubt that on

June 15th, Joice Heth will be 160 years old.

- Yeah, well she'd better be, Mr. Lyman,

it's taken every last cent I've

got to buy this contract, but from now

on P.T. Barnum presents Joice Heth,

the oldest woman in the world!

- She'll make you a fortune, Mr. Barnum!

Just remember, Philadelphia!

- All right, Joice, we'd better get

to work if we're gonna eat tonight.

All right, step right up and see her, folks!

Joice Heth, the oldest woman in the world!

There she is, lady!

Now 25 cents is your place at the

front of the line here.

All right, come on now, who's gonna be

the first customer of the day?

Lady, lady!

Hey, you're not as young as you used to be?

This lady here, she'll make you

feel like a spring chicken

is what we do. - How dare you?!

[laughing]

- You're flat, Joice, you're flat.

[laughs] Sir, sir, all alone, nowhere to go?

You're flat, woman, you're flat!

Up a bit, up a bit!

Oh sit down, sit down!

Sir, sir, you like older women?

[laughing]

Come on, this act can't last forever.

We could be gone next week.

[loud thud]

Joice!

I don't understand it, they came by

the thousands in Philadelphia.

- And walked by by the thousands.

You've been had, Mr. Barnum.

- Oooh!

- Anyway, what's so special about an old lady?

A young lady, now well that's different.

If you'd a' had me up here 140 years ago,

they would've come all right.

- What did you say?

- I said what's so special about an old lady.

- No no no, you said 140 years ago?

George Washington!

- Mr. Barnum, what you looking at honey?

- I'm looking at a nanny, a nanny a

long time ago, she's got a little

baby boy bouncing on her knee.

George Washington!

- But I don't know no people named Washington.

- George Washington, the father of our country?

- But I never tended George Washington--

- Joice!

That sidewalk looks a might hard

for us to sleep on tonight, and I would

say there was the strongest possibility

of rain, maybe even hail.

- What'd you say that boy's name was?

- George Washington.

- Oh, you means little Georgie.

[laughing]

Why Mr. Barnum, I pretty near raised that boy!

- All right Joice, let's do it!

Step right up and see her folks,

Joice, that's George's Washington's nanny!

♪ When you see the shape the world is in

♪ When the way it is ain't what it's been

♪ When folks just care for gold

♪ Thank God I'm old

♪ When you take a gander at the news

♪ When you hear the language people use

♪ When no sweet songs are sung

♪ I don't wanna be young

- Liven it up, Joice!

♪ Daddy time he doesn't fret me

♪ Should he spy me, that don't upset me

♪ Let him eye me, come and get me

♪ That's fine by me, age don't worry me

♪ When you see the way folks misbehave

♪ When it's only good times that they crave

♪ When kids are much too bold

♪ Thank God, I'm old

♪ When there ain't no He-Men left alive

♪ When they tell you three men out of five

♪ End up locked up or hung

♪ I don't wanna be young

- All right, dance Joice.

- But I can't dance, I'm 160 years old.

- Rain, hail, maybe a blizzard!

- I'll dance.

- Let's do it.

Wind up slow now.

That's it, come back here.

Now sell it.

Sell it!

Sell it!

Start at the top of the hill, I'll give you a push.

Here she goes.

Hang onto my arm.

Stand up straight!

Start with the left, that one.

[cheering]

That a girl, back!

I'm sorry!

- Let me tell you about the

day Georgie discovered America.

- That was Christopher Columbus!

- I tended him too.

- No you didn'!

One more!

Now we're going home!

Hang onto my arm.

There she goes, everyone!

♪ Gonna get me dressed and powdered down

♪ Call myself a hack and go to town

- All the way!

♪ See every shady street

♪ These feet once strolled

♪ Then I'm gonna slip back on the shelf

♪ Have a little nip and tell myself

♪ Though my back buckles and bends

♪ My hair got silvery ends

♪ When I see all of my friends

♪ Laid out and cold

♪ Thank God, I'm old

[applause]

- That is great, Joice!

Great!

All right, back on the truck.

That's it, good girl.

That's it, you relax.

Take her two blocks down!

And give her some resuscitation!

All right, maybe I mislead them a bit,

but most of those folks went home

thinking that they shook the hand

that held the rosy bottom of

the father of our country.

That is what is known as a patriotic humbug,

and there's none finer.

Well now that Joice was a success,

I started signing up new attractions,

but of course I had to find some place to put them.

- That's right, Mr. Barnum.

I'm selling you a full partnership

in the American Museum, but I'm warning you,

my rock bottom price is $15,000.

- And worth every penny of it, Mr. Scudder.

The full amount will be paid out

of the first year's profits, and should I

fall behind I will forfeit all my

attractions to your good self.

- Very well, Mr. Barnum, but I don't

wanna turn the museum into no sideshow.

- I couldn't agree with you more, sir.

That's why I intend rebuilding

the entire museum and filling all

five floors with the most

educational attractions imaginable

including three galleries of art,

a lecture hall sitting 2,000 people,

and in the rotunda, a glass tank

containing a living, breathing,

spouting great white whale from Lavador.

Just to help you make up your mind, sir,

may I present you with one courtesy

ticket entitling you and a friend

to free admissions upon payment

of half the normal price on any

Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday

between the hours of 12 noon and 1PM.

Is that a deal, sir?

- [Charity] Taylor Barnum!

Did you or did you not invite me

all the way from Bridgeport to

have lunch with you at one o'clock sharp?!

It is not past 2:15!

[whistle blows]

- In the center ring, ladies and gentlemen,

PT Barnum faces that most ferocious of all

jungle beasts, the female of the species

who was being kept waiting over

one hour and 15 minutes!

Mr. Barnum will now face this most dangerous creature.

[drum rolling]

[laughing]

And arm!

- Mr. Scudder, did I not ask you

to tell me when it was one o'clock?

- One o'clock?

- Now please sir, no excuses,

run along, I'll see you at the

museum at 2:45 with the builders

and please be prompt.

Chairy, I don't know I ever took

him on as a partner, he's so unreliable!

Now that is what is known as a matrimonial humbug.

The only trouble is, with my wife, it never works.

- Hogwash, Taylor, I believe you

forgot that appointment all by yourself.

Now I have some pamphlets to collect

at the Women's Emancipation Society,

they have a lovely tea room, I think we'll lunch there.

- Oh no no, I can't eat there!

McNalley's Saloon is right around the corner.

- Nonsense, Taylor, you don't need a drink,

you need some good decent food inside you.

- Not liver and prunes, please!

- Very well then Taylor, I suggest we

leave it up to the Fates.

Heads, the Women's Emancipation Society,

tails McNalley's Saloon.

- All right!

I'll toss it if you don't mind.

- Go right ahead, Taylor, I trust you 100%.

[laughing]

- Liver and prunes.

[orchestral music]

[applause]

- Hey!

[applause]

[applause]

- Hello, Mrs. Barnum.

- Our new pamphlet's all about

the Stanton Act, now thanks to

Elizabeth Katie Stanton, the state of

New York now guarantees a woman the right

to make all her own business and legal decisions.

- What do you think of that, Mr. Barnum?

- Oh I'm all for it 100%.

Long as she asks her husband first.

[laughing] Now could we have half a dozen

oysters here and two large ales please.

- I'm sorry, Mr. Barnum, liver's the special today.

Plus fresh boiled parsnips and a kompot of prunes.

- Sounds delicious, we'll have two.

- I shall be up for days.

[laughing]

- Now Taylor, you can tell me about

this new partner of yours.

- Chairy, Amos Scudder and I are

gonna rebuild the American Museum.

- With what, we haven't $100 to our name.

- With brass and a bit of humbug,

you'd be surprised too often is

just as good as silver or gold.

- Schemes again, Taylor, schemes and dreams!

- But that's my nature, Chairy,

I told you I was a dreamer the first night I met you.

- Taylor Barnum, when a girl meets

a man in the middle of the worst

thunderstorm of the summer with bolts

of lightning jumping off every tree

and barn in sight, a thunder so loud

it nearly scares you out of your wits,

she don't pay much mind when a man

happens to mention he's a dreamer.

I'm not saying you shouldn't have dreams,

Taylor, just let them be sensible ones we can reach.

- But I want to excite people, I want to

give them a glimpse of the miracle!

- Miracle's a pretty fancy word for humbug, Taylor.

- Oh that's not fair!

I may put a high polish on the facts--

- I don't mind you using the imagination

the good Lord gave you, but with two

daughters to bring up you oughta

be using it for more sensible things.

Now I happen to know that they're

looking for a new partner at the

Bridgeport Clock Factory, I could be

part of it, Taylor.

- No, Chairy, no, I can't do that!

Tick, tock, tick from 10 to 6 every day?

With only an occasional bong to break the monotony?

Of 10,000 cuckoos looking out of 10,000 little holes?

Every man's got a tympanum, Mrs. Barnum.

Mine is just not suited to tick, tock, cuckoo, and bong!

- I'm sorry Taylor, I shouldn't have brought it up.

- Of course you should, Chairy, of course you should.

That's half a wife's job, bringing up things

a husband doesn't wanna hear.

No, it's just that the clockworks,

it isn't the right color for me.

Say the words, Bridgeport Clockworks,

what do you see?

Grays and browns.

But you step inside any sideshow,

you've got fire engine red, kelly green, butter yellow!

It's like being inside a giant pinwheel!

Oh and it's not for my own selfish reasons

I need all them colors, Chairy.

Grrr, I wanna splash them out for

everybody in the whole world to see!

♪ The colors of my life

♪ Are bountiful and bold

♪ The purple glow of indigo

♪ The gleam of green and gold

♪ The splendor of a sunrise

♪ The dazzle of a flame

♪ The glory of a rainbow

♪ I'd put 'em all to shame

♪ No quiet browns and grays

♪ I'll take my days instead

♪ And fill them 'till they overflow

♪ With rose and cherry red

♪ And should this sunlit world

♪ Grow dark one day

♪ The colors of my life

♪ Will leave a shining light

♪ To show the way

- That's well and good, Mr. Barnum,

but your greens and reds aren't

gonna be must help if you don't

get those builders started.

- Chairy!

Chairy!

I'll be back in five minutes!

Well 15 at the most!

And a half hour at the outside!

Chairy, if I'm not back by six,

why don't you come down to the museum,

you can't miss it, it's on the

corner of Anne Street and Broadway,

it's got a big purple sign with

gold letters and red trimming that

says Barnum's America Museum!

♪ The splendor of a sunrise

♪ The dazzle of a flame

♪ The glory of a rainbow

♪ I'd put 'em all to shame

- I'm gonna do this, just hang on there

[applause]

- It's your own fault, Charity Barnum.

If you had asked a few logical questions

before you married him, you would've had

a healthy distance between yourself

and a fellow who wants to give

the whole world a paint job.

Which I'm not so sure it needs.

♪ The colors of my life

♪ Are softer than a breeze

♪ The silver gray of eiderdown

♪ The dappled green of trees

♪ The amber of a wheat field

♪ The hazel of a seed

♪ The crystal of a raindrop

♪ Are all I'll ever need

♪ Your reds are much too bold

♪ In gold I find no worth

♪ I'll fill my days with sage and brown

♪ The colors of the earth

♪ And if from by my side

♪ My love should roam

♪ The colors of my life

♪ Will shine a quiet light

♪ To lead him home

[applause]

[whistle blows]

- Come, children of all ages!

[mumbles], a caravan, a cornucopia,

a cavalcade of cataclysmically comical clowns!

- Go get in the other side of the front of the entrance!

That's it, put those down there in a pile.

[goofy carnival music]

That's a pile.

I know it's a bicycle!

Get those other bricks!

Come back here with that bicycle!

Stop!

Get outta here!

Stop!

Oh Chairy, I've bitten off more than I can chew.

- Nonsense.

- Have you forgotten we got an

opening Monday morning at nine?

- We'll be ready!

- You intend rebuilding an entire museum in two days?

- I do, my treasure.

- But how?

- Slowly.

- Look at this mess!

♪ The Lord gave each and everyone

♪ The spunk to do what can't be done

♪ The brawn, the brain, the courage and the heart

♪ The strength to bend the strongest bar

♪ The will to reach the farthest star

♪ It's just a case of learning how to start

♪ To build a tower up so high to a cloud you'll anchor

♪ Build it one tiny brick at a time

♪ Bucks multiply 'till a bum's a banker

♪ Just begin with a thin silver dime

♪ That empty field, it can yield

♪ Miles and miles of flowers

♪ You don't need no magic powers

♪ Just a seed and showers

♪ From the floor to the sky

♪ You can soar if you're wise enough to climb

♪ One brick at a time

- Come on, you guys, let's try it!

Bring me a [mumbles]!

♪ To build a ship that's built to last

♪ You lay the keel then raise the mast

♪ An ode begins with just a simple rhyme

♪ An oak that roots a mile beneath

♪ Becomes a stick to pick your teeth

♪ Just sharpen up your knife and take your time

♪ One stalwart chap with a cup and a bunch of hours

♪ He can scoop all the salt from the sea

♪ Buds open up turning boughs to bowers

♪ All begun by just one bumble bee

♪ To write with ease symphonies

♪ Or at least condati

♪ Filled with trills and obbifatti

♪ Start with fa, so-la-ti

♪ Leave the rest in the dust

♪ Be the best, if you're just content to climb

♪ One brick at a time

♪ Just take a brick and place it on the ground

♪ To make it stick pour mortar all around

♪ A cup of lime then stir it 'till it's hard

♪ And up she'll climb by inch, by foot, by yard

♪ A still, a door, a ledge, a window pane

♪ Then drill some more, raise up the weather vane

♪ A roof, the proof that go in slow like this

♪ A splendid edifice can climb

♪ To build a tower so high to a cloud you'll anchor

♪ Build it one tiny brick at a time

♪ Bucks multiply 'till a bum's a banker

♪ Just begin with a thin silver dime

♪ That empty field it can yield

♪ Miles and miles of flowers

♪ You don't need no magic powers

♪ Just a seed and showers

♪ From the floor to the sky

♪ You can sore if you're wise enough to climb

♪ A splendid edifice can climb

♪ One brick at a

♪ One brick at a time

♪ One single solitary brick

♪ One brick at a time

♪ One single solitary brick

♪ One brick at a time

♪ One single solitary brick

♪ Oooooh

♪ Oooooh

♪ Oooooh

♪ Oooooh

♪ One brick at a time

[applause]

- Everything about my museum was spectacular.

Including the price.

$1.

Now that may seem a lot, but it was worth it.

After all, look at what I gave them.

♪ Quite a lotta, Roman terra cotta

♪ Livin' lava from the flanks of Etna

♪ Statuary, ride a dromedary

♪ See the temple tumble and the Red Sea part

♪ McNamara's band, the fattest lady in the land

♪ A pickled prehistoric hand

♪ A strand of Pocohontas' hair

♪ Crow and Sioux who're going to

♪ Be showing you some rowing through

♪ A model of the rapids on the Delaware

♪ Armadillas, clever caterpillars

♪ Reproductions of the Cyclops' retina

♪ Crystal blowing, automatic sewing

♪ Venus on a shell and other works of art

♪ Educated fleas, a tribe of Abrogines

♪ Two ladies joined across the knees

♪ A Mona Lisa made of ice

♪ Hottentots, we've gotten in

♪ Forgotten spots, a cotton gin

♪ A night with Lot in Sodom

♪ Better see that twice

♪ One iguana, snakes and other fauna

♪ Got no bearded lady, but we're get'na

♪ When you duck out, you take another buck out

♪ Run around the block and see a

♪ Run around the block and see a

♪ Run around the block and see a

♪ New show start

- Just a dollar folks!

That's it!

Thank you, sir thank you, sir,

thank you, ladies, thank you Phillip,

thank you, lady, enjoy yourself!

- Mr. Barnum, Mr. Barnum, 5,000 admissions in one day!

- 5,000?!

- Only everybody's going downstairs to see the whales.

- Right.

- And then they're going upstairs to

see the injuns and mermaid in [mumbles].

- Right right right right right.

- And then they're going back downstairs

to start all over again.

- So?

- Nobody's going out, Mr. Barnum!

There's a whole line of people waiting

to get in, so what are we gonna do?

- You put that sign I had printed outside the back door.

To the egress!

- [Amos] To the egress?

- Don't panic, it's just a fancy word for exit.

- But no one will know what it means!

- Oh they will when they get outside!

[laughing]

♪ Quite a lotta, Roman terra cotta

♪ Living lava from the flanks of Etna

♪ Statuary, ride a dromedary

♪ See the temple tumble and the Red Sea part

♪ McNamara's band, the fattest lady in the land

♪ A pickled prehistoric hand

♪ A strand of Pocahontas' hair

♪ Crow and Sioux who're going to be showing you

♪ Some rowing through a model

♪ Of the rapids on the Delaware

♪ Armadillas, clever caterpillars

♪ Reproductions of the cyclops' retina

♪ Crystal blowing, automatic sewing

♪ Venus on a shell and other works of art

♪ Educated fleas, a tribe of Aborigines

♪ Two ladies joined across the knees

♪ A Mona Lisa made of ice

♪ Hottentots we've gotten in

♪ Forgotten spots, a cotton gin

♪ A night with Lot in Sodom

♪ Better see that twice

♪ One iguana, snakes and other fauna

♪ Got no bearded lady, but we're get'na

♪ When you duck out, take another buck out

♪ Run run run run run run run run

♪ Run around the block and see a

♪ Run around the block and see a

♪ New show start

♪ Run around the block and see a new show start ♪

[applause]

- Right, rake up those dollars!

Good good, see you back here next week!

You again!

[mumbles]!

All right, don't turn around 'till I tell you.

[whistle blows]

- [Horace] PT Barnum,

grand master of the highwire,

tries for a triple somersault!

[screaming]

And falls, which gets him plenty burned up!

[trumpets blare]

- All right, now!

- Good Lord, they're real.

What's the man done?

- A foolish thing, Chairy, married a hardheaded,

cold-eye, tough talking Connecticut Yankee.

Whose kept my crazy world from

going up in smoke these past 14 years.

Happy Anniversary.

- I might have been foolish enough to marry you,

Taylor, but that doesn't mean I can't count.

Our anniversary isn't for six months.

- Not ours, the museum's!

Ooooh!

Have you forgotten exactly one year ago

today we opened our doors to the public?

So I want you to go put on your

best silks and satins, woman, because tonight I'm

gonna take you, me, and those pearls

to celebrate at the 5th Avenue

restaurant in New York City!

- Oh I'm sorry Mr. Barnum,

but I'm not going to any 5th Avenue restaurant.

The food's too rich, the people too fancy,

and I don't even wanna discuss the prices.

I'm staying right here!

- Marital humbug number two.

This one never fails.

[laughing]

Chairy Barnum, I'm married to the

prettiest woman in the state of Connecticut!

It's my God given right to take her

out and show her off if I want to.

Now either you go and put on your

best dress at once or certain very

costly anniversary gifts are gonna

have to be returned!

[laughing]

Well it almost never fails.

Charity Barnum, what am I gonna do with you?

- Put up with me, Taylor.

The same as I do with you.

♪ We're out of step

♪ We disagree

♪ What's right for you is wrong for me

♪ Together we're apart a country mile

♪ But I like your style

♪ I like your style

♪ We're out of step

♪ We disagree

♪ What's right for you is wrong for me

♪ When I proposed, then you protest

♪ What's my delight, you just detest

♪ Too sweet a fight to ever reconcile

♪ Too sweet a fight to ever reconcile

♪ But I like your style

♪ I like your style

♪ No shouts or quarrels

♪ No blows or tears

♪ One simple fuss to dissect and discuss

♪ For the next 100 years

- Sit down here!

Don't do that!

♪ Each blessed day

♪ Each blessed day

♪ We sweetly fill

♪ We sweetly fill

♪ With no you won't

♪ And yes I will

♪ You wonder how we made it down the aisle

♪ You wonder how we made it down the aisle

♪ Well I like your style

♪ Well I like your style

♪ I like your style

- Whoa!

- Hey, come and dance, woman!

["I Like Your Style" instrumental]

[Irish jig music]

- No no no!

Left, right, left, right, step step, slap slap!

Young man, get down off that washing line!

How many times do I tell you?!

The childrens' clothes have to go on!

Look at the color of that.

Don't you have any respect for

other people's property?!

[violin instrumental music]

Wow, you're gonna fly!

Ow, ow!

That's my best leg!

I may never dance again.

Not that one, the other one.

♪ Each blessed day

♪ Each blessed day

♪ We sweetly fill

♪ We sweetly fill

♪ With no you won't

♪ With no you won't

♪ And yes I will

♪ And yes I will

♪ You wonder how we made it down the aisle

♪ You wonder how we made it down the aisle

♪ Well I like your style

♪ I like your style

♪ I like your style

♪ I like your style

♪ I like your style

♪ I like your style

♪ Style

♪ Style

[applause]

- All right then, Taylor, I'll change my dress.

But it isn't to show off these

pearls to your fancy New York friends,

it's because I'm still in love

with you, you great fool!

And I want one of your damn

martial humbugs to succeed!

- Charity Barnum, I have never humbugged you!

Why I'm surprised that you even suggested such a thing!

- Mr. Barnum.

- Not now, Mr. Scudder, can't you see I'm lying to my wife?

[laughing]

Mr. Scudder!

What on Earth brings you all the way out here

from New York City this time of night, sir?

Mr. Scudder?

Is something wrong, sir?

- A fire, Mr. Barnum.

At the museum.

- What?!

- It's no use.

There's nothing left.

I'm sorry, Mr. Barnum.

- Mr. Scudder, I hope I'm being humbugged, sir.

- Alas, Mr. Barnum, you never taught me how.

- Now Taylor, I tell you right now

I don't intend dancing any gallops,

I haven't had time to change my petticoat

and it's the same old [mumbles] one,

but since the only dance you know

is the Waltz, I don't anticipate any...

Problems.

- The evening's off, Chairy.

No use celebrating a museum that's burned down.

Oh you were right.

It was nothing but a darn sideshow anyhow.

- Taylor Barnum!

That museum was absolutely splendid!

For what it was, I'll not listen

to anything to the contrary!

New York's not the only place to making a living you know.

There are lots of other places.

There's a whole country out there!

Why right here is the Bridgeport Clock Factory!

- Darn it, Charity Barnum if you

haven't come up with a solution!

There is a whole country out there!

Here I am piddling my life away

on the corner of Anne Street and Broadway,

there've gotta be what, two dozen states

never even heard of PT Barnum!

I'll build a new museum, I'll put it on wheels!

- Oh no, Taylor, I wasn't thinking

about any two dozen states,

the Bridgeport Clock Factory is--

- I'll bring a load of red and gold

to the entire country!

I can start with a three month

swing around the East, all I need

is some capital and a headline attraction!

And because it was your idea!

- What?!

- Because it was your idea, I'm gonna put

a top line on every ad:

Entire tour under the personal

supervision of Mr. And Mrs. PT Barnum!

- Ooh!

- [Taylor] Chairy?

You are with me on this, aren't you?

- Well Taylor, I am not sure that I am 100% in accord.

- Then everything's all right!

We're quarreling again.

[laughing]

['I Like Your Style' instrumental]

- I hope I'm not interrupting, Mr. Barnum.

- You are, Mr. Stratton.

- But our appointment was for two o'clock.

- I'm busy right now, sir.

- [Stratton] Then why don't we forget it?

My wife and I have a few moral

qualms about your offer anyway.

- Monday morning at nine, Mr. Stratton.

- Good day, Mr. Barnum.

- All right, damn it!

Chairy, I gotta see him.

He's got that headline attraction

I told you about, now you go on dancing.

I'll be back in two shakes.

["I Like Your Style" flute instrumental]

- [Horace] And now a deliciously droll divertism as

PT Barnum juggles three slippery Strattons in the air!

- All right, Mr. Stratton,

now what's this about moral qualms?

- Let me begin by telling you that

my wife and I have the highest regard for you.

- But to permit you to exploit

our son Charles' oddities for

such a small sum of money is an

offense to the Christian conscience.

- Now the key word in that speech isn't Christian.

It's small, as in sum of money.

Exactly what do you mean when you

refer to oddities, Mrs. Stratton?

- Any boy only 25 inches tall from

head to toe is a freak of nature.

- Joice Heth is 160 years old.

Madam Josepe has a 10 inch beard,

Anne Swan is eight and a half feet tall.

That doesn't make them freaks, Mrs. Stratton.

It makes them special.

What you call an aberration of nature,

I call a gift from God to lift them above the crowd.

Now since the young man is old

enough to make up his own mind,

why don't we ask him.

Well, Charlie, I want you to come

with me and join my show.

But I'm not gonna fool you.

I mean 10s, thousands, maybe millions

of people are gonna come and see you.

Some to stare, maybe even a few to laugh,

but most, most are gonna cheer and

they're gonna tell their children

and grandchildren for generations

to come that they once saw the

smallest man in the world.

And we'll find a special name to

go with the miracle of your size.

Course you mustn't forget the other benefits,

there's gonna be senators, presidents, bishops

all knocking at your door wanting to talk to you.

Or you can stay safe and snug in

that chair for the rest of your life.

Never moving from one day to the next.

It's up to you, Charlie.

Now what do you say?

That's it!

That's the name!

Thumb!

Tom Thumb!

- [Horace] Ladies and gentlemen

of the great city of Philadelphia!

For the first time anywhere,

the world's smallest man, General Tom Thumb!

[drum rolling]

♪ I'm General Thumb, just come to town

♪ A Yankee doodle dandy

♪ I've ate your scrap, will wash it down

♪ With just a nip of brandy

♪ The Mayor made me presence rare

♪ The ladies did salute me

♪ First rate I am, they all declare

♪ And all my poses suit me

♪ My success should open up your eyes

♪ Don't judge nothing just by shape or size

♪ Bigger isn't better, taller isn't braver

♪ Stronger isn't always wise

♪ Smaller isn't necessarily the lesser

♪ Guts can come in any size

♪ Lady luck can favor just a little shaver

♪ Over one who's six foot three

♪ Brains in any tussle, mops the floor with muscle

♪ Bet your life I'm glad I'm me

- [Horace] Ladies and gentlemen,

General Tom Thumb's engagement

has been cancelled this evening due to his

command performance at Buckingham Palace!

[applause]

♪ Bigger isn't keener, larger isn't bolder

♪ Higher might be low inside

♪ When you need to lean upon a friendly shoulder

♪ Narrow's just as good as wide

♪ See the mighty lion sitting there and crying

♪ Bitten by a tiny flea

♪ Mammoth was colossal, what's he now, a fossil

♪ Bet your life I'm glad I'm me

♪ What strong and bulk they lag along

♪ In brains and heart

♪ That handsome hunk might be

♪ A Lilliputian medley, proven consequently

♪ Though he shows his shoulders twice as big as boulders

♪ If the brain's a tiny pea

♪ When you're in a pickle, he ain't worth a nickel

♪ Be your life I'm glad I'm

♪ Be your life I'm glad I'm me

[flute instrumental]

[applause]

- Ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present,

together for the first time anywhere,

my two star attractions!

General Tom Thumb and direct from

the Royal Zoological Society of London,

the king of all pachyderms, Jumbo!

[applause]

[tuba solo]

♪ Giants look so awesome

♪ Folks are scared to cross 'em

♪ None the less I guarantee

♪ Small as Yankee Doodle, if he's in the moodle

♪ Beat the whole caboodle using just his noodle

♪ Bet your life I'm glad I'm me ♪

[applause]

[whistle blows]

- Once again in the center ring,

PT Barnum versus the female of the species!

- Stop your nonsense, Taylor.

Tom Thumb may be the smallest man on Earth,

but you've managed to tell some

pretty tall tales about him.

- Oh woman!

- You know what this tour needs

is at least one respectable attraction.

- Now don't start that again,

we're gonna miss the Chicago train!

- Very well then, the children are

with their suitcases in the waiting room,

you collect them and I'll meet you on the platform.

- Chairy, Chairy, collecting children is what you do.

- Right now Mr. Barnum I have other fish to fry.

The Women's Emancipation Society!

- What, are they following me around the country?

The liver and prunes club.

What is this?

- One of those feminist get togethers, Mr. Barnum.

You can't go into the street without

stumbling over 'em.

- I'm sorry?

- Goldschmidt, Julius Goldschmidt.

We met in New York last autumn

when you saw my tour with [mumbles].

- Of course, Mr. Goldschmidt.

So what do these ladies want now?

- Power to the homemaker or some such nonsense.

What the poor creatures don't realize

is they got all the power in the

world if they'd learn how to use it.

- I don't follow you, sir.

- Well what does a wife want the

vote for when she can have her husband's?

- Oooh ho ho ho.

- I'll give you an example of the

kind of woman I'm talking about.

A little lady I'm going over to

England next month to sign up,

Miss Jenny Lind.

- Lind?

- She just finished her second

command performance for Queen Victoria.

- Lind, Lind, of course!

The India rubber lady who can tie

a knot in her right arm!

- Jenny Lind is an opera singer, Mr. Barnum.

And she ties men in knots.

♪ A cheek as fair as falling snow

♪ Two eyes that hold a special glow

♪ A sigh as soft as summer wind

♪ A trembling smile, Miss Jenny Lind ♪

- New York train's almost here.

I must be on my way, Mr. Barnum.

- Mr. Goldschmidt.

- Taylor, just wait until you read

what's in this pamphlet!

Votes for women, rights of ownership,

even letting a woman hold a man's

job if she's qualified.

- Chairy, you want a man's job?

How would you like to run the

rest of the tour by yourself?

- What would you be doing?

- Taking a boat ride, now you're always

on about me getting a respectable attraction,

well I just got wind of one.

A miss Jenny Lind.

- The opera singer?

[laughing] - Right.

The only thing is I gotta get to

English right away to beat out

the competition, now what do you say?

- Well it's not the same as running

something solid like the Bridgeport Clock Factory,

but it's a challenge and I accept!

Well you'd better get a move on, Taylor,

it's only four minutes to train time

and you'd better hurry if you wanna

board on the next train to New York.

- Now wait a minute, wait a minute!

Are you sure we're doing the right thing?

I know we're not satisfied with the

status quo, but at least we're used to it.

- Very well then Taylor, we'll leave it up to the Fates.

Tails we'll continue the tour together,

heads you go to England.

Bon Voyage, Mr. Barnum.

- It's uncharted territory, Mrs. Barnum.

- I'm equal to it, Taylor, and so are you.

[trumpets blare]

- Well I wasn't too late.

I could've missed that train,

followed Chairy West, but I didn't.

I made the train, I made the boat,

and I made the deal with Miss Lind's representatives.

But just who humbugged who that time?

I have yet to find out.

Two questions remain unanswered.

How was PT Barnum gonna sell an

opera singer to the American public?

And...

Who the hell was Jenny Lind?

[laughing]

Like that fella Shakespeare said,

what's in a name anyhow?

It's titles the public wants, so I shall call her

the Scintillating Songbird from Scandinavia!

[laughing]

Well it's not that bad.

[laughing]

The Songbird who Scintillates from Sweden!

I know that one's bad.

All right, I got it!

I got it!

The Singing Swede!

You like that?

I like that too.

Unfortunately, Chairy had already

had the handbills printed, so we were

stuck with calling her The Swedish Nightingale!

[laughing]

- Ladies and gentlemen, for the first

time on these blessed shores,

the world renowned Swedish Nightingale.

Due to the extremely respectable

nature of this attraction, Mr. Barnum's

promotional campaign will refrain

from any sensational claims and

rely on the plain unvarnished truth!

[upbeat carnival music]

[soft violin music]

- PT Barnum, Miss Lind,

welcoming you on behalf of over

1,233,00 American citizens to...

[laughing]

To New York City.

[laughing]

Did you have a nice crossing?

[speaking Swedish]

[laughing]

- Come again?

[laughing]

[speaking Swedish]

- She can't speak a word of English.

Did you know she couldn't speak a word of English?!

Miss Lind, Miss Lind, this here,

this here is the United States of America!

Here we try and speak English!

[speaking Swedish]

We're in serious trouble!

Horace, prepare that stage.

Miss Lind, Miss Lind, you have to

give a concert on this stage.

[speaking Swedish]

No, in English, Miss Lind, in English!

- I no want to learn English.

- Well you have no choice!

- Choose?

- No, choice!

- Choose!

- Choice!

- Choice.

- Good.

[laughing]

- Gide.

- Good!

- Gide!

- Good!

- Good.

- That's good.

- No good!

- Good evening.

- Eveningk.

- Evening!

- Evening!

- Ladies!

- Lettuce!

- Not lettuce!

Lettuce you eat!

It's ladies!

- Ladies.

- And.

- Und.

- And!

- And!

- Gentlemen!

- Yentlamen.

- Gentlemen!

- Yentlamen.

- Yentlamen!

- Good!

- Just smile, Miss Lind, just smile.

No American can resist the smile

of a beautiful woman.

No American man anyhow.

Right, now I am going out to the

front of the theater, I hope you

have a pleasant concert.

I hope I have a pleasant concert.

Quiet!

That's the best they've played all week.

[speaking Swedish]

In English, Miss Lind, in English!

[trumpets blare]

[operatic singing]

- Good evening, ladies and...

Gentlemen.

[operatic singing]

[applause]

- Bravo!

Bravo, Miss Lind!

Wonderful, well played, sir!

- Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Lind

thanks you for your kind reception

of her programs and asks if she

might sing one last song.

A song she performed at her

first concert in Sweden and dedicates

tonight to a new American friend.

[gentle violin music]

[singing operatic Swedish]

♪ Love knows no rules, love has no time

♪ Love laughs at rhyme and reason

♪ Sweeping the stage, mad or sublime

♪ Knowing no age or season

♪ Wise men and fools playing love's game

♪ Bend to the same sweet treason

♪ Love's silver song, swift as a flame

♪ Breaches the strongest wall

♪ Love knows no rules

♪ Love has no time

♪ Love makes such fools of us all ♪

[applause]

- [Taylor] Beautiful, Miss Lind, quite beautiful!

- Mr. Barnum, I am a confusion.

Many gentlemen ask go with me to

the reception tonight and I not

know which one to choose.

- Well my day lady, you pick whoever takes your fancy.

- Very well.

I choose...

A scholastic person.

My English teacher.

- Well now my dear lady, I...

Am a confusion.

- Congratulations, Miss Lind.

Taylor, the carriage is waiting.

- I'll be right there, Chairy.

- It's not important.

The mayor of the city also ask go with me.

- Well he's a fine gentleman.

- Taylor, please hurry, I want to

freshen up at the hotel before the reception.

- Of course.

- Ah well, perhaps another time.

- Chairy.

Chairy, I got me a problem.

The receipts have gotta be counted again.

The darn bookkeeper messed up.

Why don't you take the carriage

and I'll see you later.

- Very well then, Taylor.

I'll see you when I see you.

It was a great success tonight.

I'm very proud of you.

Goodnight, my darling.

Goodnight, Miss Lind.

- Chairy!

Miss Lind!

Damn it, why shouldn't I take another reception?!

Hell, it's just for a few hours!

All my life I spent selling the

green to everyone else in the world,

isn't it time that I got a look at it myself?

I'm a man, I got the price of admission!

I wanna see what's going on inside the tent!

♪ Staying home, living day by day

♪ May be safe, but it can't be duller

♪ Seeing things only black and gray

♪ When the world is alive with color

♪ Doing just as your neighbors do

♪ May be wise, but it ain't so clever

♪ Every man has a dream or two

♪ Let 'em go and they're gone forever

♪ Out there somewhere just out of sight

♪ There's a world that's blazing with light

♪ Ain't each man alive got the right

♪ To stray just a mite from the straight and narrow

♪ Shoot through the night like a flaming arrow

♪ Turning back should the highway bend

♪ Turning down every chance you're given

♪ Takes the risk out of life, but friend

♪ How the hell can you call that living

♪ Staying put in a pumpkin shell

♪ Is a bleak and depressing habit

♪ There's a ring on the carousel

♪ And it's your if you'll only grab it

♪ Out there somewhere just down the line

♪ There's a world of glory and shine

♪ One square foot there's gotta be mine

♪ Once in his life when a man decides

♪ Once when he stands where the road divides

♪ Once on a hill as the morning grows

♪ Once if he will can see those

♪ Fires glow, flags streaming

♪ Spires grow, towers gleaming

♪ In a land where the dawn is clear

♪ In a sky where the sun's forever

♪ On a plain where it's spring all year

♪ And the dark of the night comes never

♪ Somewhere out there just out of sight

♪ There's a world that's shining with light

♪ Ain't each man alive got the right

- Come on, come on!

[drum roll]

Yeah!

[applause]

♪ Once in his life to forget the past

- [Horace] In the main ring, ladies and gentlemen,

the latest international sensation,

the rarest, most beautiful bird in captivity,

The Swedish Nightingale!

♪ Once in his life to behold at last

- And Mr. Phineas Taylor Barnum

and their amazing ascension act!

With gorgeous pyrotechnic display!

♪ With his own two eyes what

♪ Lies out there

[applause]

- Out of the main ring and onto the fairgrounds!

A musical salute celebrating Miss Jenny Lind's

50th concert in the United States.

Featuring the good citizens of Washington

and the American Marching band!

[whistle blows]

[tuba music]

[trumpet accompaniment]

- All right now!

Come on!

Hurry up, let's go, let's go!

♪ Come follow the band wherever it's at

♪ Let both of your feat time to the drum

♪ And let your heart go rat-a-tat-tat

♪ A flag in your hand, a plume in your hat

♪ Battalions of brass pass and catch the light

♪ Is there a sight that's sweeter than that

♪ See the pretty lady toss that baton high

♪ Ain't she cute as a daisy

♪ Watch the fella with the big base drum go by

♪ Ain't you glad that you stayed

♪ Hear the tuba play that oom pah pah

♪ Oh my, ain't it driving you crazy

♪ Don't you be so darn lazy

♪ Better hurry and join that big parade

♪ Up outta your seat, down off the stand

♪ Step out to the sweet, beat the bugle plays

♪ A sound that you'll remember all your days

♪ And when you see that leader proudly raise his hand

♪ Just follow the band

♪ Hear the trumpet blast, hear the cornet blare

♪ Hear the boom of the bass and the rattle of the snare

♪ With the sweetest burst of melody I know

♪ Goes the piccolo

♪ Hear the silver tone of the xylophone

♪ Hear the glide and the bellow of the slide trombone

♪ Then a burst of crystal, listen to it peel

♪ It's the glockenspiel

♪ With the most majestic manner

♪ You'll remember all your life

♪ Comes mellophone, comes saxophone

♪ Comes sousaphone, comes fife

♪ Then the brass sings out, the woodwinds sigh

♪ The trumpets shout and the drums reply

♪ With a crash and a bang as the whole shebang goes by

[ragtime piano instrumental]

♪ See the pretty lady toss that baton high

♪ Ain't she cute as a daisy

♪ Watch the fella with the big base drum go by

♪ Ain't you glad that you stayed

♪ Hear the tuba play that oom pah pah

♪ Oh my, ain't it driving you crazy

♪ Don't you be so darn lazy

♪ Better hurry and join that big parade

♪ Just follow the band wherever it's at

♪ Let both of your feet beat time to the drum

♪ And let your heart go rat-a-tat-tat

♪ A flag in your hand, a plume in your hat

♪ Battalions of brass pass and catch the light

♪ Is there a sight that's sweeter than that

- Ladies and gentlemen, and esteemed members

of the American Marching Band society,

president and Mrs. Filmore respectfully

invite you to join them on the lawns

of the White House this evening

where Miss Jenny Lind will give

her first concert in our nation's capitol!

♪ Up outta your seat, down off the stand

♪ Step out to the sweet, beat the bugle plays

♪ A sound that you'll remember all your days

♪ And when you see that leader proudly raise his hand

♪ Just follow the band

[applause]

- Thank you.

- Sir, Mr. Barnum, sir, it's nearly 6:15

and Miss Lind asked me to remind you

that the reception's at 7:00 sharp.

And she says since President Filmore's

a stickler for punctuality--

- Damn it Wilton, don't I get one evening off a week?

All six months of this tour has

been nothing but tea with the President,

supper with the Senator, reception with the Chief Justice.

When do they find time to run the country?

I tell you I'd give the whole thing

up tomorrow just to get away from them.

- Oh you don't mean that, Mr. Barnum.

- Oh yes I do.

Mr. Goldschmidt's been after me to buy Miss Lind's contract.

I have a damn good mind to sell it to him.

I humbugged myself into thinking

I needed a respectable attraction,

I humbugged myself into thinking

I needed some color in my life.

Now look at me.

It's a miserable state of affairs if you ask me.

I should be being respectable to someone I love.

Wilton, I want you to send a wire to Mr. Goldschmidt

telling him I'll see him in New York day after tomorrow.

And another to Mrs. Barnum telling her

if that coin comes up heads, I might just

be in Bridgeport end of next week.

Well none of my female of the species

humbugs ever seem to pan out, but I'm too

old a dog not to try.

It's a disgrace if you ask me.

Complete and utter disgrace.

- Can hears you muttering.

- Me muttering?

I never mutter.

Height of impoliteness, muttering.

- Then I'll just ignore it.

- If I got something to utter, I utter it.

I never mutter.

I might sputter, but I never mutter.

I used to mutter, I used to have a mutter.

[laughing]

How many times do I tell ya,

keep your hands out my pants!

[laughing]

- I think I know what this is about.

The way the French ambassador smiled at me last night.

- Wrong, what do I care if some

weaselly looking Frenchie smiles at you?

It's the way you smile at him.

One of those number two special trembling ones.

- Phineas, I'm a soprano and we flirt.

- No, the left foot goes on the left foot

and the right foot goes on the right foot.

[laughing]

- [mumbles].

Anyway, what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

- What are you talking about?

- The letters.

- [Taylor] What letters?

- Long ones, very, to a lady in Bridgeport, Connecticut.

Now if you were willing to give up

these letters, I might be willing

to give my trembling smiles.

[violin music]

- Jenny.

Jenny, I want you to know I'll never forget you.

- It has been a lovely six months.

[speaking Swedish]

I want for you what you want for yourself.

- That's a very kind wish, Jenny.

Now all I gotta do is figure out

exactly what it is I do want.

- Well at least we know what it isn't.

♪ This game of love amuses

♪ Unless of course one loses

- When do you think you'll be leaving?

- Well tonight's as good a time as any.

Will you be all right?

- I think so.

I have a dinner engagement.

With the French ambassador.

♪ Wish men and fools playing love's game

♪ Bend to the same sweet reason

- Have you seen the figures for

St. Louis, Mr. Goldschmidt?

Sold out two months before she even hits town.

I tell you, sir, I'm selling you

a songbird that lays golden eyes.

- I know that, Mr. Barnum.

In fact you might say that I knew that before you did.

- Well that's why I'm making you

such a generous deal, sir.

Just one proviso.

If Miss Lind ever plays Bridgeport,

you better not sell me any tickets.

Done?

- Done.

♪ Love makes such fools of us

♪ All

- Why Charity Barnum, what are you doing here?

- It came up heads.

And I still think you're beautiful.

My way this time, Taylor.

- Your way.

[whistle blows]

- Out of the main tent, away from the fairground,

without the benefit of kelly green!

[gunshot]

Buttercup yellow!

[gunshot]

Or cherry red!

[gunshot]

The Bridgeport Grand Opera and Pageant Society

presents PT Barnum as he lives his life in...

♪ Black and white

♪ The future's rosy living black and white

♪ Keep both feet on the ground

♪ Don't let those daydreams spin you around

♪ See things the way they are

♪ You're gonna tumble if you fly too far

♪ Stay low and hold on tight

♪ Living black and white

♪ May the 7th, 1851

♪ Day of days for Bridgeport's favorite son

♪ Living whales he sent to Hades

♪ Likewise Swedish singing ladies

♪ And the local clockworks he will run

[cuckoo clock noises]

[laughing]

- What is this?!

Come on!

Oof!

Ow!

[rhythmic drumming]

[laughing]

[applause]

♪ He could run the clockworks Barnum found

♪ In two months he'd run it in the ground

♪ Purchased then 500 shovels

♪ Said men mustn't live in huddles

♪ And a new utopia I will found

♪ Planned a very modern model town

♪ Elevated roads to stroll around

♪ Grew so high it makes you groggy

♪ Built on land a trifle soggy

♪ So as it rose up it started down

♪ Down, down, down

♪ Black and white

♪ He built a city that was black and white

♪ The tower scrapped the sky

♪ The church was seven stories high

♪ He tricked [mumbles]

- Hello, everybody!

♪ And only one of them was slightly crass

♪ Alas his luck would run

♪ Toward the bottom rung

♪ His luck was [mumbles]

- What are you saying?

- Shhh! - Shhh!

- Hey!

- Shhh! - Shhh!

- No, it's not gonna stay there.

It's not gonna stay there, Chairy!

♪ Bye bye black and white

♪ Oh yeah

- Hey!

[applause]

♪ Barnum City fell down, what a fix

♪ Nothing but a pile of broken bricks

♪ Not to worry, not to care sir

♪ With your talent for an answer

♪ What you oughta be's in politics

♪ You could be an alder man

- No wait!

♪ No wait

♪ Congressman I mean US

- Not state!

♪ Not state

- Mayor!

♪ Oh that's easy pickings

- Senator, oh what the dickens!

♪ Why not hang a presidential slate

♪ Black and white

♪ He's playing politics in black and white

♪ Here's my stance on women's right, I'm for 'em

♪ Slavery in any form's a nay

♪ Taxes have to be increased

♪ To get to those who have the least

♪ Tobacco I would ban [mumbles]

- You hear what I'm saying?

Do you hear me, I'm talking to you!

People, are you listening to me?

Chairy, I'm losing them!

Unless you let me bring some color

into this campaign they're gonna beat me.

You gotta release me from my promise!

- Very well then, Taylor.

Go ahead!

[whistle blows]

[upbeat orchestral instrumental]

♪ Black and white

♪ He's had his fill of living black and white

♪ So long, ta ta, goodnight

♪ Bye bye bye black and white

[applause]

[gentle piano music]

♪ Black and white

♪ He's had his fill of living black and white

♪ So long, ta ta, goodnight

♪ Bye bye black and

♪ White

- Outside the tent.

After the show.

Behind the scenes.

Beneath the makeup.

- See way up there, top of the hill?

- Oh Taylor, wait a minute.

- Chairy?

What's the matter, you all right?

- Yes, I just need to rest a moment.

- It's that damn campaign, you're worn out.

Come, let's sit down here.

- On the steps of the city hall, that's illegal!

- Well I'll make that my first job as mayor.

That all elected officials with beautiful

wives are allowed to sit on the steps of

the city hall as long as I'm in office.

[chuckling]

Take it easy now.

Is that better?

- Thank you very much, Mayor Barnum.

- You're very very welcome, Mrs. Barnum.

Isn't that an impressive place?

- It's the most respectable looking

building I've ever seen.

And it belongs to you now.

- Aw Chairy, you know sitting here

looking at that smiling face

reminds me of the very first night

I met you in that thunderstorm.

I know you were frightened, but I just

kept wishing there'd be more lightning

so I could get another look at your face.

- I shut my eyes every time the lightning flashed,

so I never did get a good look at

you until we were standing at the alter,

and by then it was too late. [laughing]

- What are you saying to me? - Oh Taylor, folks are gonna

think we're foolish, two old people

sitting on these steps in the middle

of the night holding hands.

- Who says we're old?

I may have a few laugh lines.

One or two gray hairs.

But you don't a day older than the day I met you.

- I thought you were through with humbug.

- 22 or three at the most.

That is the least humbugging thing

I've ever said in my life.

- Taylor, you're gonna be wonderful at politics.

[laughing]

Course I don't expect you to be

mayor for more than one term,

I've already got my eye on a senate seat.

Not the state senate either.

- You're talking about Washington?

- Heads say you can do it, Taylor.

- Oh come on now, you don't tossing a

coin on whether you run for the US Senate!

That takes pondering, contemplating, considering!

And how come in 25 years of tossing that coin

it never once came up tails, may I ask?

- I guess fate is just on my side, Taylor.

That and the fact that this quarter

just happens to have two heads.

[laughing]

- What are you saying to me?

You stacked the deck on me, Charity Barnum?

- I haven't been watching you for

25 years for nothing, Taylor.

- All right!

All right, I'll run for your damn

senate for you 'cause I love ya

and I'd do anything in this world

to make you happy, but I am most

displeased, Mrs. Barnum, most displeased.

Look at that, both sides.

Your own husband!

Why are you smiling?

- Everything's gonna be all right.

We're quarreling again.

♪ The colors of my life

♪ The colors of my life

♪ Are softer than a breeze

♪ Are bountiful and bold

♪ The purple glow of indigo

♪ The silver gray of eiderdown

♪ The gleam of green and gold

♪ The dappled green of trees

♪ The splendor of a sunrise

♪ The amber of a wheat field

♪ The dazzle of a flame

♪ The hazel of a seed

♪ The glory of a rainbow

♪ The crystal of a raindrop

♪ I'd put 'em all to shame

♪ Are all I'll ever need

♪ No quiet browns and grays

♪ Your reds are much too bold

♪ I'll takes my days instead

♪ In gold I find no worth

♪ And fill them 'till they overflow

♪ I'll fill my days with sage and brown

♪ With rose and cherry red

♪ The colors of the earth

♪ And if from by my side

♪ My love should roam

♪ The colors of my life

♪ Will shine a quiet light

♪ To lead him

♪ Home

- Chairy!

Chairy!

Chairy!

- On behalf of the party, Mr. Barnum,

may I say how sorry we are.

- She was standing beside me for so long.

And right when we're on the threshold.

I don't want you boys to worry none.

'Cause during this campaign I'm

gonna be stronger than ever.

We worked a long time for this nomination.

It's an election I don't plan on losing.

- Mr. Barnum, I'm afraid there's been

a slight postponement on your nomination.

- What?

- What Mr. Templeton is trying to say

is that the party's position has changed.

We're giving the nomination to Alexander Whitaker.

- What are you talking about?

What are you talking about, I've been barnstorming

this past six months on the strength

of the promise of this nomination.

- The decision is out of our hands, Mr. Barnum,

but in four years you'll be a prime candidate.

- I don't want the nomination in four years,

I promised somebody I'd be in Washington in January,

if I can't be there then, I don't wanna be there at all!

Good day, gentlemen!

- But Mr. Barnum--

- [Taylor] Good day, gentlemen!

They took me, Chairy, they took me!

Six months of making speeches and they

take that nomination away from me

with a lie worst than any humbug I've pulled

on anyone in 35 years of fooling people!

I thought I got it out my life, but I haven't.

'Cause it looks like if I don't

humbug them, they're gonna do worse to me.

And tell me, Chairy, is humbugging so bad after all?

Look at...

Look at Abraham Lincoln!

Back in '61, he was humbug with a vision

of a whole society of free and equal people.

And that dream was strong enough to win him a war!

Well not that I'm comparing four headed frogs

and live mermaids with The Gettysburg Address, but...

You gotta admit that somewhere way

down deep there's gotta be a connection.

[laughing]

How do you like that?

Two minutes up here on a soapbox,

already I'm convinced I'm second

cousins with Abraham Lincoln.

Aw darn it, Chairy, don't that prove it?!

At humbugging, I'm the best there is!

♪ The Prince of humbug

♪ Balderdash

♪ Fiddle faddle, drivel, tosh

♪ Twiddle, twaddle, blather, bosh

♪ Bilge and dodge and double-dutch

♪ And flim-flam I am

♪ The king of hogwash

♪ Tommyrot

♪ Jibber-jabber, blabber, bluff

♪ Hocus-pocus, gabble, guff

♪ Scam and sham and just a touch

♪ Of white lie am I

♪ Duke of tripe and idle chat

♪ Earl of oil, Lord of blat

♪ Emperor of rigmarole

♪ That I am, bless my soul

♪ The Prince of humbug

♪ Poppycock

♪ Piffle waffle, panner junk

♪ Hokum, hooey, chatter, bunk

♪ Wild and guile and trumpery

♪ That's me

- Don't worry, Chairy, I'm not gonna

go back into the exhibition business.

What I was thinking was maybe I

go on a lecture tour, tell the whole

country about the noble art of humbug.

After all, it's what I'm best at.

It's what God gave me the gift for.

It's given me everything I ever had, Chairy.

Even you.

♪ In a world of sting and shock

♪ This moment we spend

♪ Down a road of ridge and rot

♪ Toward Lord knows what end

♪ Through a night as dark as space and cold as the sea

♪ Someone's got to make it right

♪ Shoot a rocket, shine a light

♪ Tell you who that someone's gonna be

♪ The Prince of humbug

♪ Tongue-in-cheek

♪ Shilly, shally, pull the wool

♪ Blarney, bogus, cock and bull

♪ Hoax, prank, hanky-pank

♪ And some skulduggery

♪ I am

♪ And damn, I'll always be

♪ Yeah

[applause]

[whistle blows]

- [Horace] The main event!

The greatest contest of them all.

PT Barnum, unarmed, without a net,

and alone in a fight to the finish

struggle with destiny!

- Bailey is the name, Mr. Barnum,

and I'm here for my 3:30 appointment.

- Well Mr. Bailey, I've given the

matter a great deal of thought, sir.

I'm afraid the answer is no.

- But I sent you the plans and

the photographs last week.

Didn't you get a chance to look at them?

- I saw the pictures, yes,

and your manajerie looks very good.

But I've been out of the exhibition

business for years now, sir.

I've been doing lecture tours.

Course if you wouldn't mind a little advice.

- No, I would welcome it.

- Well you've gotta hook your attractions

to the mood of the nation, sir.

Now it's 1880, right?

And with Grant in the White House,

we're widening our horizons, broadening our outlooks.

See your circus looks good, but it's too small.

You need, well what, 10 elephants!

20 clowns, acrobats, bareback riders,

fat ladies, a whole family of jugglers,

six up on the highwire!

- Impossible, you can't get all

those acts into one ring.

- Then you put two more rings on either side!

You have a band of 40 pieces,

whole separate tent for sideshows!

Not to mention grandstands that you

can put up and take down to seat 5,000 people!

You have a train with two locomotives, 60 cars,

and enough canvas that you can put the

entire Crystal Palace inside and still

have room left over to fly a kite!

- Crystal Palace?

Mr. Barnum, I hope I'm not being humbugged.

- Mr. Bailey, whatever gave you that idea?

[laughing]

- Well it does sound good the way you tell it,

but I need your help.

- Sorry sir, my answer's no.

- But I need you, and the circus needs you!

♪ When the pill the doctor gave you

♪ Turns your cold to the grip

♪ When a stitch to save nine others comes apart with a rip

♪ When the rats invade your attic

♪ And start leaving you ship

♪ Follow my tip, come away on a trip

♪ Join the circus like you wanted to when you were a kid

♪ Climb aboard before it moves on

♪ And you'll thank your lucky stars you did

♪ Go to bed in Minneapolis, wake up in PA

♪ Pack your roll, your brush and your comb again

♪ Ready to roam again, ready to stray

♪ Bless your soul, you'll never go home again

♪ When the circus comes your way

- Get that [mumbles] please.

- Mr. Barnum, sir--

- Why don't you try the Sales Brothers

they're always looking to help people.

♪ When you've patches in your trousers

♪ And a hole in you purse

♪ When your nine to five is boring

♪ And your five to nine's worse

♪ When you sneeze instead of bless you

♪ You get jeers and a curse

♪ Don't call a hearse, while you still got a cherce

♪ Just join the circus like you wanted to

♪ When you were so high

♪ Pitch your troubles under a tent

♪ And you're bound to loose 'em by and by

♪ Say so long to fair Schenectady, greet sweet Santa Fe

♪ Toss your hat and cane in a sack again

♪ Shoulder your pack and then hitch up the shay

♪ Kiss the cat and never look back again

♪ When the circus comes your way

- Mr. Bailey, I'm too old for all this,

I'm going out West, I'm retiring, the answer's still no!

♪ When the lady you've been courting

♪ Weds your brother instead

♪ When his honor gives you thirty days on water and bread

♪ When your bank accounts a million, but its all in the red

♪ Don't loose your head, pin this note to the bed

♪ I've joined the circus like I wanted to when I was a kid

♪ Climbed aboard before it moved on

♪ And you bet your life I'm glad I did

♪ Went to bed in Minneapolis, woke up in PA

♪ Packed my roll, my brush and my comb again

♪ Ready to roam again, ready to stray

♪ Bless my soul, I'll never go home again

♪ When the circus comes my way

♪ See that tent pole slowly start to rise

♪ Circus, circus

♪ Just to say the word electrifies

♪ Circus, circus

♪ Watch that tiger shaking hands like a pup there

♪ That lady dancing on a wire a million miles up there

♪ That string of painted cars down Railroad Avenue

♪ Circus, circus

♪ Two pink paste boards say you're going to

♪ Circus, circus

♪ Share the glad times and the woe with us

♪ Pack your trunk and join the show with us

♪ Roll from Maine to Kokomo with us

♪ Mister Barnum say you'll go with us

- All right, damn it, let's leave it up to the Fates!

Heads is yes and tails is no!

[laughing]

Mr. Bailey, you got yourself a partner!

[cheering]

- To the biggest show in the country!

- To the greatest show on Earth!

♪ When the circus comes your way

[trumpet instrumental]

♪ One

♪ Two

♪ Three

[whistle blows]

♪ I've joined the circus like I wanted to when I was a kid

♪ Climbed aboard before it moved on

♪ And you bet your life I'm glad I did

♪ Went to bed in Minneapolis, woke up in PA

♪ Packed my roll, my brush and my comb again

♪ Ready to roam again, ready to stray

♪ Bless my soul, I'll never go home again

♪ From the day I joined the circus

♪ Be proud to say you joined the circus

♪ Step right this way and join the circus

♪ Just stick a banner in your heart

♪ And join the circus like you wanted to

♪ Like you always wanted to

♪ Run away

[applause]

- Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

Everybody!

♪ Join the circus like you wanted to when you were a kid

♪ Climb aboard before it moves on

♪ And you'll thank your lucky stars you did ♪

- Ladies and gentlemen, we present Madam

[mumbles] and her famous Arabian prancing ponies!

In the ring to your left, Lady Francesca

will swallow a flaming torch while walking

through a wall of fire!

To my right, [mumbles] the amazing human cannonball!

The king of the jungle and the entire

[mumbles] raw African lions!

The most daring, the most beautiful!

Sisters of the highwire, the wondrous,

the lovely Lisa and Lily!

And in the center ring, the main attraction,

the Barnum and Bailey elephant parade!

[applause]

- [Horace] In the center ring,

a princely final attraction.

Mr. Phineas Taylor Barnum himself!

[gentle saxophone music]

- Of course that was a long time ago.

And Joice Heth is gone and forgotten.

So is the American Museum.

The great white whale.

Dear Jenny Lind.

And my poor Tom Thumb.

George Washington's just a memory.

And them pilgrim fathers that came over

on The Mayflower, they've all gone to dust.

And my kind of humbug has disappeared.

Pity.

Pity.

♪ There was a sucker

♪ Born every minute

♪ Each time that second hand swept to the top

♪ Like dandelions, up they pop

♪ Their ears so big, their eyes ♪

[orchestral music]

[applause]

[whistle blows]

[cheering]

["Join the Circus" instrumental]