Original subtitles

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

♪ Watch the trees grow in the forest

♪ Chop them down and sell the wood

♪ Watch the trees grow in the forest

♪ And chop them down as well ♪

(LEAVES RUSTLING)

Oh, hello. You all right?

Something wrong with the eyes?

What is it? What do you want?

(SLASH)

(GRUNTS)

Wine. In a box! It's mind-blowing.

Oi, magic man!

How can I help you, sir? Jar of wing wax?

I've got a bit of a problem, down in the old forest.

-Oh, hair removal products. -No!

-The forest outside Munty. -Oh!

Something's lurking out there,

attacked a woodcutter.

My fairies, they're getting twitchy.

Need something to give them a bit of zhoosh.

-"Zhoosh"? -Yeah, you know, zhoosh.

Oh, zhoosh.

-Yeah. -You mean some sort of bravery potion.

But that's fairy magic, sir. It's very tricky.

I don't think I can do it... I mean, I can definitely help. Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

Good. Now tell me a bit more about this hair remover.

Why won't it work?

-I reckon it's broken. -Thanks for that, Herman.

(EXHALES) If I could just fix it, I could get home.

I just don't think that's going to happen.

-Why don't you ask Howell? (SCOFFS)

Let's just say that I'm exploring other options.

-Like what? -Like asking anyone but Howell.

So, when do we get to meet your mum?

Hopefully never.

(SIGHS) She'll be too busy telling me how extremely rubbish I look,

nagging me to join the Seers Guild,

and she'll be banging on about marriage number six.

Or is it seven?

Still, only for a few days, eh?

Just like marriage number three.

What's this? (EXHALES)

Moisturiser? Oh. Nice.

Ah, very smoothing.

Steg, that's expensive.

Yeah, well, I've got very dry skin, Barbara!

Says here, "Not suitable for dwarves..."

-I'm half dwarf. -"...or giants."

I'm half giant. And that is racist.

(BELL TOLLS) -Oh, Krunt. Oh, I'm late!

-Right, wish me luck! -Yeah!

Thanks.

Ah!

Ah, my skin is so velvety...

Oh, actually... Actually that's starting to sting a bit.

Oh. Oh!

Yeah, actually, I think I'm going to take it off.

(GROANING)

(CONTINUES TO GROAN)

(SCREAMS)

So, when are you going to see Howell?

Not until I've explored every single other...

Howell? I need your help.

Making fairies brave... I just don't have the recipes.

Sorry, Brian, I'm in the middle of something.

Well, I think you'll find this of interest.

Remember Gwendolen?

-Who? -Held us hostage in the pub.

Oh, yeah. How is she?

Still dead. Anyway, I went through her stuff and I found...

(GASPS) -...this.

Oh, Brian! It's my amulet!

Well, my amulet.

You need to give it to me, I need to look after it, Brian.

It needs to be kept very, very carefully inside...

Lead-lined box? Yeah.

Anyway, it doesn't work. Look.

No!

See? It's broken.

-Oh -I was thinking, maybe you could fix it.

There must be something in one of these books.

There's nothing here, really, but...

HAWTHORN: Need something to give them a bit of zhoosh.

Oh, but there is one book, Brian.

In the Munty Library.

Munty's got a library?

I'm not allowed in because of a previous misunderstanding.

That's all right, I'll go.

Will you? I'll write the name down.

That's it.

Shelbourne's Fairypaedia?

And that'll show us how to reboot the amulet?

Yeah! Trust me.

Brilliant.

Howell? It's not in the box, mate.

Hello, Mum.

Hey, Mum. Hey.

(GRIMACING)

Bar-Bar, darling!

Oh, let me have a look at you!

(GASPS) Far too much make-up.

That's why you're still single.

It's nice to see you, too, Mum.

Are you in the Seers Guild yet?

No! I don't even want to be. I've given up trying.

Yes, well, never say never.

Oh, that's a lot of luggage for two days.

Little announcement. (IMITATES FANFARE)

I might be staying a little longer.

Ronnie and I have split up.

Oh, that's a shame, it's just 24 and a half years

short of your silver anniversary.

Poor man was utterly hopeless.

He tried to buy me off with this.

It smacks of desperation.

-So? -Shall we get a cup of tea?

We can do something a little stronger. Come on!

STEG: Krunt!

Try using the plunger!

Look at me!

You've gone all green.

I look like a goblin.

'Cause of the green?

It's that moisturiser Barbara made me use.

Nik nak nikky-nak nik nak nok!

Herman, that is racist!

But that's how they talk!

Nik nak nikky-nak nik nak nok!

You can't say that any more.

(CLICKS TONGUE) You'd better see Howell.

I can't go out looking like this.

You got a hat?

Not that one.

Thank you.

(IMITATES GOBLIN) Mind how you go.

Not now, Herman.

(LAUGHS)

(DOOR CREAKS)

Hello. I'd like to join the library, please.

Of course. Name?

Brian Weaver.

"Brian Wee-aver".

Do you agree to the Terms and Conditions?

Yeah, sure, whatever. Is that it then?

Just a sample of hair for security.

Ow!

Membership accepted.

Great. Do you know where I could find Shelbourne's Fairypaedia?

On the bookshelves.

(CHUCKLES)

Thank... Thank you.

Oi, oi! Looks like we've got ourselves a goblin!

I'm not a goblin!

Not that there's anything wrong with them.

I'll tell you what's wrong, cabbage face,

you and your sort.

(GROANS)

Oi, you, potatoes!

Get out of here! (GROWLS)

-You all right? -My nose.

-That was close. -Anything to help out a fellow goblin.

Right. Yeah.

Bloody humans. I hate them, I hate them,

I hate them!

I'm Nik Nak, by the way.

I'm Steg... Nak.

-Look, I'd better be off. -No, no, no.

There's a lot of anti-goblin feeling around here.

You're coming with me.

-Am I? -You're coming with me!

So anyway, he turns round,

he puts the tray down, and what's on it?

Only her own pet silver pig!

Oh, that's hilarious! You are funny, Herman.

Good one, that, innit?

Right, come on, Mum. We should get going,

'cause I was thinking that we could go and look at the Munty Stick Museum.

Oh, you're busy, Bar-Bar. Herman will show me around.

Well, I haven't got anything on.

In that case, could you mind the pub?

-Well, I was planning to... -Well, that's settled then, Bar-Bar.

Herman, I'm all yours.

(BOTH GIGGLE)

Hey! No free drinks for Howell.

(GROANS)

Yeah, I'd like to take this out and...

Sorry. Can you please stop doing that?

It's making me really jumpy.

You are aware of the penalties for late return?

Sure. Actually, remind me?

(SIGHS)

Right, it's just... Okay, um...

-Does that say, "spices"? -"Spikes."

The book has to be returned by nightfall.

And when is that exactly?

Is it as it gets dark or when it is dark?

It's when night falls.

(SIGHS) Ten o'clock.

10:00. Right, thank you.

Yeah.

-Nik. -Nak.

-Nok! Nook! -You were dead.

Hey, party people! This is Steg Nak.

-Hi. -Hello.

This is my wife, Nook Nak.

-Hello. -Her brother, Dik Nik.

-Dik Nik. -And his wife, Sik Nik.

Lovely to meet you all. All the Niks. And the Naks.

He was attacked by some bigots.

ALL: Oh!

I hate humans!

Yeah!

-So do I! -Yeah!

If I ever got a hold of those humans,

I'd grab them by the nut-naks and squeeze, and they'd explode!

ALL: Yeah!

-So would I. -ALL: Yeah!

Have a seat, Steg Nak.

-Let me take your hat and scarf. -No!

No, I... I... I'm feeling cold.

(SHIVERING)

Strange. Not like a goblin to feel the cold.

He's in shock.

He's had a traumatic experience...

-Dik Nik, make up the spare bed. -Mmm.

Oh, fut.

NIK NAK: Cold.

-And that was the Throck sanctuary. -Oh. (CHUCKLES)

And this is the town square.

And that's about it. This is Munty.

That was a lovely 10 minutes, and you have so many interesting stories.

I've got a cracking one about the time

the whole Mountain Unit went down with trench foot.

(GIGGLES)

Maybe you could tell me over dinner?

You, me, some candles, no one to interrupt us.

My pub! I've got a new fish pie in.

(LAUGHS) Oh, you're so funny.

-Eh? -Let's go somewhere else,

somewhere where we can get to know each other a little better.

And you can tell me some more of your marvellous stories.

(GIGGLES) -Did I ever tell you about the time

-I got my foot stuck in a pig? -Oh, you couldn't tell me

where the Seers Guild is?

-Yep, just through here. -Oh.

You see, Herman asked me to do a bit of stocktaking.

Howell! Herman said no free drinks.

Barbara! You don't realise,

me and Herman, we play this silly little game.

He said no.

Today is Opposite Day.

-Oh... -So, I'd like a really, really, really little drink

for a lot of money.

(WHISPERS) Which means a massive drink for free, in the game.

-Okay. -Really?

No. I'm playing the opposite game.

I don't need it anyway. I've got wine.

In a box!

You can't drink your own drinks in here, Howell.

Well, the library is weird. Why am I surprised?

Did you get it?

Yeah. It's hardly The Da Vinci Code.

-Oh, is that the book you wrote in two days? -Yes.

Well done, Brian. This is exactly what I need.

We'll have that amulet charged up in no time.

What? Oh, yeah, yeah, good idea, yeah. Nice one, yeah.

It's just the book does need to be back by nightfall, whenever that is.

-It's 10:00 p.m., nightfall. -10:00 p.m, yeah.

I wouldn't drink here if I were you, Brian.

The service is shocking.

Oh, that must mean it's great.

Game's over!

-No Herman, then? -No. He's gone out with my mum.

I don't want to talk about it. Do you want a free drink?

(IMITATING HOWELL) I'll have a large Rhubarb Seizure, please, Herman.

Heavy on the mustard.

(IMITATING HERMAN) And I'll tell you a long, boring warrior story.

(IMITATING BARBARA) And I'm gonna sit here all day long staring at Brian.

-Who was that? -Erm, Steg.

Oh! Um...

Skreelish sparkling wine?

-Don't mind if I do. (GIGGLES)

-As long as we don't get drunk... -No.

Very, extremely drunk.

I feel all right, actually.

Maybe we should tidy up a bit,

and then no one will know.

Yeah, that's probably a good idea.

(GROANS)

Brian, I know you have the amulet now,

and you're desperate to go home.

But, well, I think that you would be making a big mistake.

Because, well, from the moment that I first saw you

I knew that there was something special between us,

and, well, I just...

(SNORING)

Oh.

(BELL RINGING)

(GOBLINS SNORING)

Oh.

It is nightfall. One book is now overdue.

Shelbourne's Fairypaedia. Borrowed by...

Brian Weaver.

Shall I prepare the spices?

-Spikes. -Even better!

(SCOFFS)

(BELL RINGING)

(DOOR OPENS)

(TANKARD RATTLES)

Oh, no!

-Beer? -For breakfast?

Of course, you're our guest.

What's ours is yours.

Right, yeah, all goblins together!

-I'll have a beer! -All right!

ALL: Yay!

STEG: Whoa! (GASPING)

(EXCLAIMS) Nice. Strong.

-Sausages! -ALL: Yay!

Gran Nak's traditional recipe. Take as many as you want.

What's wrong? Not spicy enough?

ALL: Yay!

No, it's absolutely fine.

Love these sausages.

Have another one.

Fut.

ALL: Yay!

Yeah!

Howell! Where's that library book?

I need to take it back!

All in hand, Brian. It's all in hand.

You gotta listen to me. I need to get this book back to the library now.

Those librarians will kill me.

I need it for a little bit longer...

-There's no time. -Stop it!

"Stir twice and allow to brew."

Yeah. All done, thanks, Brian.

Herman? Have you seen my mum?

She didn't come home last night.

Hello, darling.

You look an absolute mess.

Uh, what's going on?

I'm just brightening the place up a bit.

It's very "I'm a warrior."

Cassie, where shall I put these?

Ugh! What? Herman?

What... What are you wearing?

You look...

Ten years younger.

I know. Just pop them on the bar, Herman.

They are so sweet.

(KISSES)

Look, Mum,

why didn't you tell me that you weren't going to come home last night?

Darling, I'm single and I'm on my holibobs.

Just chill.

Hang on. Did she... Did you two...

(GAGS)

Good news, Bar-Bar. I've gone to rather a lot of trouble

to get you an interview at the Seers Guild.

This afternoon.

No. No, I don't want to go to the Seers Guild!

Now listen here, young lady.

Your mother and I have had a chat,

and we think it's time for a few changes around here.

What the fut?

-What have you done? -HOWELL: What have you done?

It's all right, Brian. This stuff is magic.

Pull a bit, tear it off. Pull a bit, tear it off.

Pull a bit, tear it off. Pull a bit, tear it off.

Stop that, will you? Fix the book with real magic.

Have you gone twang-twang, Brian?

You cannot fix a magic book with magic, son.

You'll blow the place sky-high!

You're gonna be fine. Trust me on this.

Just as long as you didn't give them a lock of hair.

Oh, God.

Hang on.

The amulet!

I can just put it on and go home.

You finished the potion, right?

Um, yeah.

All right, Howell. Reactivate it!

Yeah, about that, Brian.

-You didn't do it, did you? -I got distracted.

Oh, I'm dead, aren't I?

Brian. Just think. What would Linda from Accounts say?

"Brian, did you eat my yoghurt from the fridge?"

No. She'd say, "Everything looks much better"

"after a nice cup of tea."

It's quite nice actually. What is it, peppermint?

It's got a hint of that in there, yeah.

How do you feel?

-Ah, better. -Yeah?

Well, much better, actually.

I've just given you some bravery potion.

What did you do that for? I don't need bravery potion.

I'm not afraid of anything!

Of course you're not. So, you'll take the book back, then?

Absolutely!

I'm not afraid of a few librarians.

What are they going to do, shush me to death?

-Ha! -I'm on it.

HOWELL: Good boy.

Now that is a cracking piece of potion-making.

(DOOR SLAMS)

I'm not angry, I'm disappointed.

It's a big day for you,

and you need to buck your ideas up

if you want to get into that Seers Guild.

-Which I don't! -Barbara,

I'd have loved the opportunities you've had.

Are you listening to us?

Oh, just stop going on at me.

It's so unfair.

You don't even care about me.

You just care about yourselves and having a good time!

Now you apologise to your mother!

Don't tell me what to say.

And anyway, you're not even my dad! (GRUNTS)

Don't you walk away, young lady!

-And don't slam the... (DOOR SLAMS)

And you look ridiculous!

(DOOR SLAMS)

-Reminds me of the time... -Not now, Herman.

-Here's your book. (BOOK SLAMS)

(GASPS) -I'll tell you now, it's knackered.

You have broken the Terms and Conditions.

(SARCASTICALLY) Oh, Terms and Conditions? Nerd.

Yeah, I've broken the Terms and Conditions.

Well, who cares? It's just a stupid book.

Assistant Librarian, open the book of punishment.

With pleasure.

Ha! I'm not afraid of your words!

Well, that looks absolutely lethal.

Bring it on!

(LAUGHING)

Right, who's up for a sing-song?

ALL: Yay!

♪ Nik nak nikkity nak

♪ Nak nak nak

♪ Nok nok nok

♪ Nak nak nak ♪

Come on, everybody, let's dance!

♪ Nik nak nikkity nak

♪ Nak nak nak

♪ Nok nok nok

♪ Nak nak nak

♪ Nik nak nikkity nak ♪

Human. Human!

(SHUSHING)

I can explain.

Get him!

There he is!

Yes, how can I help you?

I'm here to get a book for my Seers Guild interview,

which I actually don't even want to do.

Hello, Barbara!

Brian, what's going on?

Oh, it's nothing.

I'm being punished for spoiling one of their stupid books.

But are you all right?

Luckily, Howell gave me a bravery potion.

Ow! That hurt. I'm fine.

Don't worry, Brian. I'll get you out of here.

Oh, there's really no need, Barbara.

You see, they're going to close this book,

and those massive spikes will penetrate all my major organs...

Plus my genitals.

-Oh. -It's almost certainly curtains for me, Barbara,

but it's nothing I can't handle.

-Oh, I'll get help! -Up to you.

(WHIPPING) -Oh-ho.

Is that all you got?

-Yeah! -Give it to me!

There's something different about you today, Herman.

And I just can't place it.

New shirt.

You all right?

I'm meeting Cassandra at the Harbour Cafe.

I don't know what's happened to me.

I'm sweating, I feel dizzy, my stomach's churning.

Oh, I know what this is.

You've got dysentery.

It's love! And I'm gonna pop the question.

Just need to calm my nerves first.

In that case, Herman, I do happen to have a bottle

of artificial bravery on my person.

You can have a little sip if you want.

Huh? Pop the question.

Might just have a little sip.

Howell! I've just been to the library.

Well done, Barbara. All set for the Seers Guild?

-Oh, shut up, wiggy! -That's it!

Yeah! (LAUGHS)

They've got Brian, and it's your fault.

-The thing is, Barbara... -No, Howell, I am not in the mood!

My mum is ruining my life, I've got a stupid interview,

I've got a stinking hangover, and Brian is in big trouble.

And you are going to get him out of it.

That sounds scary.

I think you need a little artificial bravery.

Drink it!

Are you going to rescue Brian?

Of course I am. It'll be easy.

I'm going down to the library right now.

Let's go, friends!

-NIK NAK: After him! -NOOK NAK: Get him! Get him!

Right, I'll go and get Brian,

then we meet at the Harbour Cafe

to celebrate Herman's engagement to your mother.

-What? -Yes! (LAUGHS)

Let's crack on!

Phyllis! Good to see you and your crazy hairdo.

Howell? I'm afraid you're still banned for another...

Six hundred years.

Good! Hey, Bri, panic over.

It's the H-bomb!

BRIAN: Don't worry about me! I can handle this.

Release him now,

or I will create a whirling vortex of destruction

that will send your index card classification system

into chaos, sister!

BRIAN: You can take 'em out easily.

You don't even need magic.

That's right, Bri, I'm unstoppable!

In fact...

I probably shouldn't have done that.

Apples, get your apples.

-Barbara. -Steg?

Get him! Get him!

Mum, you can't marry Herman!

Thanks for that, Barbara.

But I'm just going to plough on.

-Right. -Cassandra,

will you do me the honour of becoming the second Mrs Herman?

Oh, Herman, that's so sweet of you.

But, no. It's not going to work.

I'm devastated.

I'm going to go back to Crefton.

I'm going to give it another go with Ronnie.

He clearly has something that I can't offer.

Possibly hair.

Now, let's all run off without paying.

For glory!

Cup of tea, Bar-Bar?

I can't, Mum. I've got an appointment.

At the Seers Guild.

NIK NAK: Don't let him get away!

NOOK NAK: Where did he go? Where did he go?

(PANTING)

I think we've had enough excitement for one day, Howell.

Actually, madam, I think there's time for a little bit more.

Give me that.

One step closer, and I eat the book!

(GASPS)

HOWELL: Mmm. Page one is yummy, yummy in my tummy.

STEG: "Rashes and Warts."

(GROANS)

Assistant Librarian, the crossbow.

(GRUNTS)

Looks like we've reached the final chapter.

(STRAINING)

(WOOD CREAKING)

(THUDDING)

-All right? -Brilliant, Steg!

You're a hero!

-Have you got everything, Mum? -I think so, darling.

BRIAN: Blimey, that's heavy!

Feels like a sack of horseshoes.

That's right, you can't get them in Crefton.

Thank you, Brian. Not him.

-Here's your knick-knacks. -Racist.

Barbara's mum, I got you something for seasickness.

Oh, thank you.

There's nothing in it.

Yeah, you puke up in it. Ten sovs.

By the way, Barbara, this came for you.

It's from the Seers Guild.

I got in!

-ALL: Yay! -There we go.

See what you can do with the right attitude?

I knew you would. You're very, extremely amazing.

-HERMAN: Aw. -Mum, what happened to your pearls?

I don't know what all the fuss is about!

There's nothing lurking out here.

-Nothing! -And even if there was,

we'd definitely be able to handle it.

-Because we are so brave. -Yeah!

(BOTH SCREAM)

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