Original subtitles

(SEAGULLS SCREECHING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hello, dock-person.

I'm here for a barrel.

Lots of barrels here.

Yeah, er...

I'm here for some sort of special beer?

Oh, the special?

You're early.

It's this 'un.

All right.

I'll be taking it then.

-You know where you're going? -Yes!

(BRIAN GROANS)

You wanna take care of that.

Precious that is.

All right.

I'm here for the special.

BARBARA: "Congratulations on choosing

"Henderson's Predictive Tea Leaves."

"The Professional Choice."

"Invert cup onto saucer,"

"and read leaves."

(SLURPS)

HERMAN: Hey! Don't make a mess!

-It's my big re-launch. -Hmm.

I've put an advert in The Munty Gazette.

New look...

New drinks.

Brian's picking up a barrel of Screelish Special Beer!

(TEACUP CLINKS)

Ooh, interesting!

Something about a journey.

Bit vague, Barbara.

Hmm.

STEG: Greetings, Herman.

Barbara.

Ah. Ah.

Notice anything?

-You've had your hair done? -No!

It's my jacket!

Treated myself, pure Munchilla fur.

It's my Delivery Day!

HERMAN AND BARBARA: Happy Delivery Day!

What time's your song?

-3:00. -Ooh!

So, how about a drink?

That's very sweet.

I'll have two halves of beer, please.

Thank you, Steg!

HOWELL: Ladies and gentlemen,

I hold in my hands

the only known cure

-for Wood-pox! -(COINS JINGLING)

Nasty, vicious disease

currently sweeping through Munty.

You do not want to end up like Mr Cuttle over there.

For 20 sovs,

you will acquire a bottle

of this antidote.

Don't drink it all at once, sir.

Actually, do. Do drink it all at once.

You cannot drink enough of this stuff.

I'm afraid that is the last bottle.

-(MUFFLED GROANS) -But, fear not. I have another batch

brewing out the back as we speak.

Even more powerful,

and slightly more expensive.

Please vacate the premises.

I will put a sign in the window

-once stocks have been replenished. Thank you. -(DOORBELL JINGLES)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Huge bag of cash, half an hour to kill. Hmm.

(SQUEAKS)

(STRAINING) Nice one, Brian.

STEG: Know what day it is, Brian?

Come-as-a-rat Day?

It's my Delivery Day!

The anniversary of my arrival into this world.

And this...

(EXHALES) This is pure Munchilla fur.

So, it's your birthday.

Can you not just say "birthday"?

How difficult is that?

How about a drink for my Delivery Day?

I can't. I'm skint.

-HERMAN: Thanks for getting the barrel, Brian. -(COINS JINGLE)

-What was that, Barbara? -BARBARA: Mmm?

"Something about a journey"?

Oh, it's just a reading.

Well, I'm not going anywhere.

Back home, I used to go to loads of different countries.

Spain, France...

-Poundland? -Exactly.

(SHOUTS) Morning, Herman.

I'd like a drink, please.

Followed by another drink, and then another one,

one after that, followed by another one,

and then just keep them coming.

Quite a lot of angry customers outside yours today.

On the contrary, Brian.

-Business... -(COINS JINGLE)

...is flourishing.

I have created a guaranteed cure

for Munty's deadliest disease.

Wood-pox.

Because of me,

people are no longer turning into lumber

in their slumber.

Wood-pox? Is that even a thing?

I haven't seen a single case.

That is because I'm doing such a great job.

-Hey, Howell! -What?

-Guess what? -What?

It's Steg's Delivery Day!

-Yay! -When's your song?

ALL: 3:00.

I imagine you'll be wanting to buy me a drink, then.

That is the very least I can do.

Herman, two extremely large Rhubarb Seizures, please.

And a small beer for Steg.

You can have the first taste of Screelish Special.

-(SQUEAKS) -(HERMAN SNIFFS)

Weird. Nothing.

(EXHALES)

Oh, krunt!

I don't think this is my barrel.

(WOMAN BREATHING HEAVILY)

-Who are you? -WOMAN: Me?

I'm... I'm Lily. (BREATHING HEAVILY)

Where am I?

So, these men kidnapped me,

threatened me,

and then demanded a ransom from my family.

That's terrible.

STEG: There should be a law against that.

There is.

Yeah, I know.

That's what I'm saying. There should be...

(GROANS)

And you're covered in bruises.

BRIAN: Sorry about that. It was the...

Where are the kidnappers now?

(GASPS) They'll be looking for me.

(FRANTICALLY) They could be anywhere!

Herman, lock the doors.

But I'm expecting a rush.

What's more important, your pub or Lily's safety?

-Erm... -Lily's safety!

Yeah, I was gonna say that.

(STEG SIGHS)

Don't worry, you'll be safe with me. Us.

Yeah.

BARBARA: And you've got Howell,

and he's a highly-skilled wizard.

STEG: (SOFTLY) I just think that the best thing, is for her to leave here,

before anyone finds her and thinks that we,

you know, had anything to do with it.

Yeah. Can I unlock the door yet?

ALL: No!

Well, that advert was a waste of money.

Listen, Herman, I know what'll cheer you up.

Tickets to the hottest musical in town.

The Golden Pigeons Of Passion.

Delivery Day treat.

Anyway I happen to have a spare one,

if you wanna buy it?

-I'm not in the mood, Steg. -Hang about.

So we appear to be locked in a pub

with lots of lovely new drinks.

(COINS JINGLING)

Shall we say...

Alphabetical order?

Well certainly, sir.

The Avocado Cream Liqueur?

Oh, Asparagus Gin?

What about that green bottle on the end?

Ah. This cheeky little number,

that's the Aaaaaaaa brandy.

Oh!

Game on.

Ahhh!

Why did they kidnap you?

I don't know.

Maybe they thought I was someone important.

Royalty, or something.

(WHISPERS) It was horrible, Brian.

You're so brave.

Like a lion.

A kidnapped lion.

A lioness. Female.

But why weren't you hammering on the barrel

calling for help?

(CRYING) I was just so frightened.

-Yeah, but surely... -BRIAN: Barbara!

(QUIETLY) Can you not see that Lily

has gone through a traumatic experience?

-But why was the barrel in the... -Barbara, please!

Can you just give Lily some space?

-Go on. -(GROANS) Fine!

Sorry about that.

I just want you to know that I'm here to help you.

Thanks, Brian.

I know we've only just met,

but somehow I feel like

there's a real, deep connection between us.

Yeah? (STAMMERS) Yeah, well, I feel it too.

I have to get out of Munty.

That's what I want too!

And get back to my family in Vodkov.

-Vodkov? -You've never been?

Oh. It is the most beautiful place, Brian.

Blue skies,

endless green fields of cabbages,

long nights spent round an open fire,

eating cabbages, and drinking wine

made from cabbages.

I love cabbages.

You know, all the vegetables, really.

-But mainly cabbages. -(LAUGHS)

I'd love to show you Vodkov.

-And I'd love to see it. -(LAUGHS)

Nearby, is it, this place?

It's a long way, Brian.

Two weeks by ship.

Oh, well, that's nothing.

I once rowed an entire ocean.

Yeah. It was just me,

and my mate Ben Fogle.

It's quite an interesting story, actually.

I'd love to hear it.

We set sail from Tilbury...

The problem is, with the doors locked,

no one can come in.

And buy me a drink

for my Delivery Day.

(SIGHS)

Look at him.

What a try-hard.

Something about her story doesn't add up.

Do I detect a note of jealousy?

STEG AND BARBARA: No!

How was your Charcoal Liqueur, sir?

Delicious.

What's next?

Let's do D. (WHEEZING LAUGH)

Demon Water.

Complete with lava scorpion at the bottom.

(HOWELL LAUGHS)

-(GLASS SHATTERING) -(THUDS)

HERMAN: The Munty Gazette!

Oh! Here it is. (LAUGHING)

"The Jug and the Other Jug."

"Munty's most happening pub."

What's this?

"Hot and cod food?"

It's supposed to say "cold food."

"Beer, cider, pus wine."

Plus wine!

They've missed out all the Ls.

Oh, so what you've got hanging above the fireplace

is an enormous "clock"?

LILY: So, if I hide in the barrel,

you can get me back to the docks,

and by tonight we could be on a ship to Vodkov.

BRIAN: But isn't the docks

exactly where your kidnappers will be looking for you?

No! I'm sure they won't be there now.

Please, Brian. For me.

Us.

BARBARA: Sorry to interrupt.

Brian, can I have a word,

if it's not inconvenient?

Well, it is,

but, yeah. Sure.

-Can I get you another one? -That'd be lovely, thank you.

Another round please, Herman.

Barbara, what is it?

Can't you see that I'm trying to...

Help Lily.

BARBARA: It's the barrel.

It was sealed from the inside.

I knew something wasn't right.

Hmm. I think we both know what's going on here.

Great.

(SOFTLY) You're embarrassing yourself.

What?

-That is very, extremely... -(SHUSHES)

All right. Why don't you just...

Stick to your tea leaves, yeah.

Sorry about that.

Are you two a...

No! No, no way! No.

Barbara, as it's my Delivery Day,

I wondered if you wanted...

I don't want your stupid ticket.

(PANTING)

-You all right? -(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

I canth theel my tungth!

BARBARA: Oh, krunt!

(NERVOUSLY) I'm... Just going to the

toilet.

(SHUDDERS)

BRIAN: Okay, Herman,

-unlock the doors. -Finally!

Just in time for the rush.

Everyone, I'm taking Lily back to the docks.

I'm putting her on a boat to Vodkov,

back to her family,

and the cabbages.

Plus, big announcement,

I'm going with her.

-Brian... -It's like you said,

"Something about a journey."

Maybe that was about me leaving Munty.

-Brian, I don't think... -BRIAN: Barbara, listen.

I know you don't want to hear this, but me and Lily,

we have a deep connection.

SPRING LEAF: Attention! This is the Fairies.

We have the pub surrounded.

Gwendolen of Vodkov,

the crimes you are charged with,

is theft with violence,

burglary with violence,

stealing with violence,

and littering

with violence.

Who's "Gwendolen"?

Shut up, Brian.

Nobody move.

Next person to move...

Dies.

Typical.

Now, you, over by the wall.

(CHUCKLES) I don't think so, Gwendolily.

Not while I've got my...

This?

-(CLATTERS) -Krunt.

Now, you, over by the wall.

(WHIMPERS)

You, over by the wall.

-You, over... -Tell you what,

how 'bout we all go over by the wall?

Yeah, do it!

I thought we had a connection.

The cabbages...

Oh, Brian,

did you really think that someone like me

would be interested

in a wet fish like you?

-I'll go stand over by the wall. Yeah. -Over by the wall.

You're embarrassing yourself, Brian.

Down.

(ALL GROANING AND GRUNTING)

(CLEARS THROAT) How did you know?

I saw your face in The Munty Gazette.

I sent an arrow from the toilet.

Hmm. (CHUCKLES)

"Dangerous Revo-utionary."

"Threat to pubic safety."

Who told them?

It's missing all the Ls.

Yeah, I knew that.

What exactly have you done?

Just a bit of political fund-raising.

What, like sponsored swimming?

It means she stole stuff.

Yeah...

For the greater good.

And I'd be halfway to Vodkov by now,

if this idiot

hadn't got the wrong barrel.

Sounds like your quarrel is with Brian, so...

Sit down! And now...

I'm surrounded by fairies,

thanks to your arrow.

Well, sounds like your quarrel's with Barbara...

GWENDOLEN: (STERNLY) Sit down!

Great Delivery Day this is turning out to be.

Oh, fut.

BRAMBLE: Shall I go in?

What, and end it now?

Nah. Sieges are there to be savoured.

Like a fine sherry.

First, we cordon off the area,

then we get pies, then...

We eat the pies.

(SHOUTS) Correct, Spring Leaf.

Then, and only then,

do we go in,

and start hitting people.

ALL: Fun.

HERMAN: My big re-opening.

(WHISPERING) This is a disaster.

Tell me about it. Front row seats,

twenty sovs I paid for those.

I did try to warn you.

-(CLATTERING AND CLANGING) -What? "Something about a journey"?

No, about the lid.

So, this is all your fault.

That is very, extremely unkind!

If you hadn't fired that arrow,

she'd have left, and I'd still be drinking my way through the alphabet.

Brian brought her in here.

That was Herman's fault.

You should get your own beer.

I was busy with the new tablecloths.

(SHOUTS) Hey!

(IMITATING GWENDOLEN) "Oh, Brian rescue me,"

"and I'll show you my cabbages."

And what kind of wizard leaves his wand lying around?

And what about you, putting lethal weapons all over the wall?

What, they're decorative.

(BARBARA SIGHS)

Look, don't worry,

the fairies will save us.

(ALL LAUGHING LOUDLY)

BARBARA: You'll never win.

Why don't you just give yourself up?

I won't give up until Vodkov is a free state.

It is a free state, isn't it?

Vodkov will never truly be free

until the revolutionary flag is raised over the palace.

I thought they did raise the flag over the palace.

(SHOUTING) They didn't use my design!

My flag is brilliant.

Oh.

What do you think?

-I like the dog. -The what?

(NERVOUSLY) The dog?

It's a bear.

The bear of Vodkov

on a green cabbage.

(NERVOUSLY) Oh, I can see that.

It's definitely a bear.

I like the blue sky.

It's just blue!

It was the only colour they had.

On your side, sister.

It's obviously a bear, Brian.

On another note,

are you interested in musical theatre?

(SHOUTING) Gwendolen, time's up!

We're coming in!

Step away from the door!

Put your hands up!

(NERVOUSLY) I'm a hostage.

I, I've got a list of demands.

Okay, let's hear 'em.

SPRING LEAF: (SHOUTING) Hands up!

-Read the demands! -Well...

I'd sort of need to lower my hands.

Lower your hands!

Okay. Erm...

She wants a flying carpet,

a thousand sovs,

two days' worth of supplies,

and her flag design to be used henceforth

on all Vodkovian embassies.

No.

They are definitely interested.

They're just wondering whether you'd consider

downsizing a few of your demands.

You know, making a couple of compromises.

What did they say about the flag?

The flag?

Loved it. Loved, loved the flag.

I was telling them about the bear.

-(ALL AGREEING) -They couldn't get enough of it.

However, they are proposing

slightly less money,

and slightly less supplies.

What about the flying carpet?

Would you consider...

An ordinary carpet?

(DOOR OPENING)

-Hello! -Put your hands up!

Who are you?

I was literally just here.

What do you want?

Well, erm, Gwendolen says,

that she respects your position,

but there are just a few minor sticking points.

-Yeah? -I'm sure

that we can come to a peaceful agreement.

We can just push this over the line,

tie it all up,

no one needs to get hurt.

-Let's smash everything up! -Two minutes!

They said... "Yes."

To everything.

-Everything? -Yeah. Oh, yeah.

The flying carpet, money, the supplies.

And for your flag design

-to be adopted universally... -(ALL CHEERING)

...throughout the whole of Vodkov and everywhere.

-Victory. -BRIAN: All they want

is for the hostages, us,

to be released by you. You.

-Okay. -Sweet.

Yeah, you can go.

(ALL LAUGHING AND CHEERING)

Well, all except one.

What?

GWENDOLEN: Well, I need some insurance.

So, who's staying?

Not me, because it's not in the runes.

-And I should go. -(ALL CHATTERING)

Guys, guys.

My life hasn't amounted to much.

Disappointments, failures, rejection.

So, I...

(SIGHS)

I really should be allowed to leave.

Things are bound to pick up at some point.

Plus, I've got these tickets,

and I'm the youngest.

No. No, I'm the youngest!

Well, hang on, I'm the tallest. And it's my pub.

I need to look after my old mum.

You've never mentioned her before.

(SHOUTING) Well, I'm bloody mentioning her now!

It's my Delivery Day!

BARBARA: Oh, stop it!

Why don't we all stay?

-(STEG GROANS) -BRIAN: Shut up, Barbara.

I've just negotiated your release!

Enough!

-You, you're staying. -(BRIAN SIGHS)

The rest of you, out.

-(BARBARA SIGHS) -Yeah.

-We'll never forget this, Brian. -Sure.

-Thanks, Brian. -That's all right.

(DOOR OPENING)

Oi! Put your hands up!

She's got Wood-pox!

BRAMBLE: Ugh! She's infectious.

(SHOUTING) Get back inside the pub!

This pub is quarantined.

Spring Leaf, make sure no one goes in or out.

Bramble, get more pies.

I've got Wood-pox!

(ALL GASPING)

I've got it too.

-(YELPS) -HOWELL: Krunt!

(SHOUTING) Right! Everyone over there!

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

BRIAN: Please untie me. GWENDOLEN: Oh, stop fussing.

You're all gonna die for a noble cause.

An independent Vodkov

that uses my flag.

(GASPS) I've got Wood-pox!

(FRANTICALLY) Somebody help me!

-Ah! We're all gonna die here. -(ALL CHATTERING)

(SHOUTING) Stop panicking.

I'll just nip over to the shop,

and get a fresh batch of antidote.

-Yeah. -(BARBARA SIGHS)

SPRING LEAF: Kill him!

Right. Start panicking.

(ALL GROANING)

What's gonna happen to us?

That's a very good question, Brian.

We start off with Stage One,

swiftly followed by Stage Two,

and climaxing with Stage Three.

Yeah, I'm gonna need a bit more detail.

Stage One is the formation of bark.

We've all got that.

Stage Two, you're gonna be seeing some budding.

Presence of leaves, sap.

If you are destined to become a conifer,

little pine cones.

And then finally, Stage Three,

complete lignification.

We will all turn into trees, my friends.

Destined to spend the rest of eternity

(CRYING) paralysed in a horrific living death.

(BELL TOLLING)

♪ Happy Delivery Day

♪ The day you were brought into the world

♪ Girl or boy it's time for joy

♪ Happy Delivery Day ♪

-Thank you, I'd just like to say... -GWENDOLEN: Shut up!

Right, wizard, make the antidote.

Yeah, but that's impossible.

I need specialist ingredients.

I mean, where are we gonna find leaves from the Sapphire Forest?

Hey! I'm using them in my soothsaying.

Yeah, but we're never gonna get hold of a lava scorpion, are we?

Hang on.

Wasn't there one in that bottle of Demon Water?

Yeah, but,

that's all useless unless we've got a unicorn horn.

And finally, all we need

is a large clump of Mud Rat fur.

-Anyone? -HERMAN: (SOFTLY) Krunt!

No? We did our best.

BARBARA: What?

I thought that was Munchilla.

I couldn't afford it.

It's Mud Rat.

Let's make a potion.

(MUFFLED) And I said,

if you wanna do it, let's do it!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Come on, Howell, I've got a leaf.

I've got blossom.

Suits you, actually.

We're in Stage Two, now.

-Howell! -Ladies and gentlemen,

Howell's Patented Anti-Wood-pox Treatment

is now served.

(ALL CHEERING)

Now, unfortunately, there's not a great deal here, so I'm going to go first.

Oh, no, you don't.

ALL: (SHOUTING) No!

(CLANGS)

(LAUGHING LOUDLY)

(GASPS)

(GASPING)

(STRAINING) What's happening?

I must have accidentally given you a concentrated dose of Wood-pox.

-(GASPING) -HOWELL: Stage Three, folks.

-Complete lignification. -(CRUNCHING)

Luckily, I have just brewed a batch

of the genuine antidote,

and there's enough for everybody.

ALL: Yay!

(GROWLING) Never!

(IN SLOW MOTION) No!

(CLANGS)

(SHOUTS) Brian!

(GROANING)

(WHISPERING) Barbara.

(BREATHING HEAVILY) She got me.

-(WHIMPERING) Oh! -I just wanna say

that I will always...

-Yes? -(STRAINING) I will always...

That's odd.

It doesn't actually hurt.

No, but what were you going to say?

It hit my hand!

Well done, Brian.

Have a drink on me.

(STAMMERING) "You will always" what?

So, you were deliberately spreading Wood-pox

in order to sell a cure?

I'm not proud of myself, Brian,

but I did make a Munty mint.

I'm sorry it didn't work out with Gwendolen,

or Lily, or whoever she was.

It's probably me who should be apologising.

Anyway, I think I'm done with relationships for a while.

Well, that advert was a complete waste of money.

Herman, can you put another bit of Gwendolily on the fire, please.

(DOOR OPENING)

Right, quarantine's lifted.

-(STEG SIGHS) -Can't hang about.

We've got to investigate a fire on Fish Head Lane.

Some idiot left a cauldron boiling over.

Krunt! Excuse me.

Just to say, I happen to have two tickets...

Thanks very much.

(GROANS) Oh, fut.

BRIAN: Cheer up, Steg.

Let's go through the stuff that Gwendolen nicked.

(STEG GROANS)

-Here we go, there's a new tablecloth for you. -Yes.

Check this out.

(GASPS)

I don't believe it!

It's my amulet.

Barbara, you were right.

"Something about a journey."

I'm finally going home!

Brian! Don't!

-It doesn't work. -(ALL SIGH IN RELIEF)

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0