Original subtitles

Here's Howell's appraisal.

Hope you're feeling better.

(IN DEMONIC VOICE) Howell.

(THUDDING)

HOWELL: Down a bit. Down a bit.

That'll bring 'em in.

All the action from the fighting pits.

Live from the comforts of my pub!

Through a mirror!

Hey, it is all legal, though, isn't it?

Oh, absolutely.

(WHISPERING) But probably best not to tell anyone.

BRIAN: Here we go.

The perfect snack for big-screen action.

What is it?

Popcorn.

It's corn...

that's been popped.

-Hmm. -Try some.

(CRUNCHING)

Oh, it's lovely. Dry.

It's like eating wood shavings.

That is fantastic.

-I reckon you could sell that. -Do you think?

If you sell that, I'll eat my boots.

Which, by the way, would taste nicer.

HOWELL: Here we go.

(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING) -Whoo-hoo!

(GROANS) Oh, krunt. It's the dancing.

Why do they bother with the opening dance?

Nobody likes it.

(SHUSHES) This is my favourite bit.

Oh, look! There's Sadie!

-Isn't that your new client? -Only client.

Oh, she's a brilliant dancer.

And she loves me.

I'm practically full-time. I've never had so much work.

Hey, here we go, the first fight!

I'll just turn the volume up.

(VOLUME INCREASES)

-Here we go, -ANNOUNCER: It's time...

It's time for fight number one.

It's three-time champion,

Des "The Destroyer" Troyer.

-Go on, Des! (HOWELL AND HERMAN BOOING)

ANNOUNCER: And, in the other corner,

three flamingos.

-Go on, the flamingos! (STEG BOOING)

Why is he fighting three flamingos?

Because the other one's injured.

My money's on the flamingos.

The beaks, lethal.

(BELL DINGS)

(ALL CHEERING)

(THUDDING) (ALL EXCLAIMING)

(SQUAWKING) (HOWELL LAUGHS)

ANNOUNCER: And the winner is... Des Troyer!

(BELL DINGING) (ALL BOOING)

It's brutal.

Yeah, that's the thing about flamingos.

The knees are a weak point.

But for a thin bird,

they don't half pack a lot of blood, eh?

Fantastic. What's next?

ANNOUNCER: Please welcome back, The Munty Clack Dancers.

-Krunt. More dancing. (FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)

BARBARA: The Sands of Time are ready.

Okay. So, tell me again,

how famous am I going to be?

I can see you standing in front of someone very powerful.

Who is it? Tell me.

No, don't! No, tell me! No, don't!

Look. The sands can be very deceptive.

What else can you see?

Will I ever dance lead Clack

in the City of a Thousand Towers?

Ooh! And how beautiful will my hair be?

Oh! Your hair always looks lovely, Sadie.

Okay, people. Rehearsal time.

Excuse me, Fenton, I'm actually quite busy here.

Quickly. Tell me about that bitch Fenella Sykes.

Will I be more successful?

Erm, I'll have a look.

Fine! We will start without you.

I have been working on our...

And... I'm ready.

(CLEARS THROAT) We'll start with a nonny.

Hot cakes! Hot cakes! Selling fast!

Pears! Get yer pears.

Munty Greens, Baffin's Juicers, Screelish Fighting Pears.

(HESITATINGLY) Er, popcorn?

Anyone want some popcorn?

Free sample.

(CRUNCHING) Mmm! Yeah, lovely. I'll have some.

It's one sov a scoop. Great!

Mmm. I'll take two!

Brilliant!

-Oh! (COINS JINGLE)

Popcorn! Get your popcorn!

With sugar or salt!

With free buttery grease.

(ALL EXCLAIMING) (MOUTHING)

There you go. Thank you.

FENTON: (SOFTLY) One, two, three and clack.

Hold it. (WHOOPING)

Whoo-hoo!

Problem, Sadie? Too challenging?

Just seems a bit...tired.

It is cutting edge!

It feels like it's missing something.

Maybe a reverse caper?

Barbara, what do you think?

(STAMMERING) Erm, well, I don't know.

Well, have a look.

That's not the sort of thing that you can see in the sands.

I am paying you.

Ah. Er...

The sands do seem to show a caper.

-Is it a reverse? -It is. Yes.

Oh, there it is,

the old reverse caper.

It's just there.

Right.

Well, if that's what Barbara says,

then that's what we'd better do, isn't it?

Everybody, from the top.

Clack sticks at the ready.

(FENTON CLEARS THROAT)

Slasher, how may I serve?

Don't smile.

I find myself in need of a powerful truth drug.

MAN: (MUFFLED) I won't tell you anything!

So can you do it? A truth drug?

(INHALES) Can of worms.

What?

That's one of the ingredients.

So, can you do it?

Absolutely.

Be ready for you in a couple of days.

-Today. -Tomorrow.

Today.

-This evening. -Lunchtime.

Done.

-Don't smile. -Hmm.

(FLUTTERING)

You!

We've had a report that someone has an illegal device

for watching the fighting pits.

-You know anything about that? -No.

Willow, over here. Have a look at this.

It's just a mirror.

Mirr-or?

In that case, who are they?

Well, that's you, and your colleague.

Clever. Very clever.

We'll be keeping an eye on this place.

(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)

No, no, no, Sadie,

it was an inverted clack.

You are meant to counter-clack. It's completely wrong.

-What do you think, Barbara? (GROANS)

SADIE: What do the runes say?

Was I "completely wrong",

or did I do my absolute best

with a muddled set of instructions from a washed-up old has-been?

Well, as I said, you can't always tell...

(NERVOUSLY) Erm... But, well, the runes say,

and this is the runes speaking,

they say that...

That it was good.

-Thank you, Barbara. -Yeah.

Do you have any dance experience, Barbara?

Well, actually, erm...

I have always wanted to be a dancer.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, you wanted to be a dancer?

I'm sorry.

I thought it was me

who had performed and choreographed

53 fight night...

Barbara's right.

And her runes say that your pathetic career is finished.

Erm, actually that's not...

Yeah, they do.

How dare you!

I have never been so...

I'm leaving.

Don't try to talk me out of it.

I am going out of that door,

and when I have gone,

I won't come back.

What?

So, who should lead the group?

Barbara, what do the tarot say?

Oh. Erm...

Well, it's not quite clear.

Barbara, you are so talented.

I'd be lost without you.

Is it me,

or is it one of the less good dancers?

(ALL MUTTERING)

(NERVOUSLY) Erm... It's, it's you.

Cor, what a morning!

Sold the lot.

Even the little black bits at the bottom.

Tell you what,

I could probably do with a hand on the stall

if you're interested, Steg?

What, selling snacks in the market?

My ambitions aim a little bit higher than that, Brian.

(CLICKS TONGUE) It's your loss, mate.

You know what you wanna do?

Sell it at the Wisdom Giving.

(GROANS) Oh, God.

Not another stupid festival.

What is it this time?

Everyone dances round a giant rock

that looks like a penguin?

-That's Penguin Rock Day. -That's next month.

No, in this one,

The Protector comes right through the town square,

dispensing these amazing words of wisdom.

I'm gonna be selling my fish pie.

The town will be heaving.

It certainly will be, Herman.

Is it all right if I make some more popcorn in the kitchen?

-Completely deluded. -Yeah.

HOWELL: Who's a thirsty boy then?

(IN HIGH-PITCHED SQUAWK) Who's a thirsty boy then? (CHUCKLES)

(DOOR BELL DINGS)

Afternoon, Howell.

(SQUAWKING) Afternoon, Howell.

Parrot Flower.

I'm just looking after it until the owner...

Well, notices it's gone.

Do you want to buy it? 20 sovs.

No. Truth drug.

Oh, yes.

Shellburn's Elixir of Veracity.

-Does it work? -Oh, yes.

For a limited period,

the imbiber is compelled to tell the truth,

the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

Unbelievably effective.

So you've tested it?

Well... Not, as such.

Hmm.

Ugh.

So, Howell.

Tell me, does this glass urn

really contain an Invisible Sprite?

(CHUCKLES) No. It's just an empty jam jar.

Complete rip-off.

(CHOUGHS) Krunt!

Was it you who caused the explosion at the beak pickling warehouse?

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. Insurance scam.

Overdid it with the levelling powder.

(MUFFLED SHOUTING) -Well done, Howell.

Forgive me for doubting you.

Your hair looks stupid.

I told you.

Well, it appears our business here is done.

(SNAPS FINGERS)

(DOOR BELL DINGS)

I love you!

(MUFFLED SHOUTING)

What did you say?

(MUFFLED SHOUTING)

BARNEY: Munty Gazette!

"Munty Goes Popcorn Crazy!"

You have a lovely day.

Afternoon edition.

Popcorn mania continues!

Special evening edition.

Free popcorn with every copy.

Brian Weaver,

King of Popcorn!

Tell you what, it was mental out there,

and this is just the start.

I'm going to open up stalls all over the Western Marches.

Yeah, I'll put this place on the map.

Get myself a big, fancy office.

Have a load of lackeys hanging on my every word.

"We've made another million!"

"That's good, but we can do better."

"Someone's found a beak in their popcorn."

"Tell them it's a free gift."

"They're suing you." "Have them taken out."

And how about a theme park

where everyone rides giant pieces of popcorn

while eating popcorn.

From bowls made of popcorn.

Actually, I was thinking, I probably could help you out.

You know, for a job, like.

For money.

Hmm. (CLICKS TONGUE) Well...

I could do with

someone to sweep up.

What am I, your skivvy?

Whoa, whoa.

Don't get your little knickers in a twist, all right?

It's just business, Steg.

It's nothing personal.

Anyway, I think you're probably a little bit under-qualified.

-No one disses the Steg! -Oh. Whoa, dear boy.

That's my popcorn-scooping arm.

-Uh-huh. -All right?

-Yeah. Popcorn. -Yeah? Hey, you watch it.

-Come on, guys! No fighting. -You watch it.

You two are my best customers.

Apart from Howell.

Actually, where is Howell?

Oh.

Pull yourself together.

(DOOR BELL DINGS) -Well, he's done it this time.

(DOOR SLAMS) -Me! His oldest friend!

Looked me in the eye, and stabbed me in the back.

Not literally.

I mean, the first one was literally,

the second one's not really literally.

(SIGHS) Can you believe it?

I'm sorry, Steg.

What is it you want?

I need a spell.

Something that when somebody sneezes,

blood comes out of their eyes.

Or spots! Boils!

No... Buboes! Yeah.

Big, huge, pus-y buboes.

(EXHALES) It's for a friend.

I've got to be honest.

Now's not the best time, actually, Steg.

So, perhaps you could come back a little bit later on.

(DOOR BELL DINGS)

(NERVOUSLY) Yeah. I'll have that, erm...

Thing, sorted for you tomorrow, customer.

Just running my business.

Totally ordinary day

in Howell's Emporium.

(STAIRS CREAKING)

Thank you, Howell.

I enjoyed that.

(MUMBLING) -Are you...

-Selling food? -Yes.

-Ah. -HOWELL: Yeah.

Eggs and, erm,

-and toast. -Ah.

Are they...

Not having breakfast?

-No. No. -STEG: No. Oh.

(INHALES) Hmm.

Can I have breakfast?

-Yeah. -Ah.

-Is it upstairs? -Er, yes. Yes.

-So... 'Course. -Sorry? What?

-See you around. No. -No.

Thank you for the...

-Truth drug? -Exactly.

No problem. It's fine.

(SNAPS FINGERS)

Bye, Margaret...

Slasher! Sorry.

(SQUAWKING) Oh, yeah. Right there!

Harder! Harder!

(SCREAMING) Oh! Ooh!

(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)

Ha-hey!

(SQUEALS) Yay!

-Well? -I absolutely loved it.

What are you doing watching?

You're not on holiday.

Look at the runes. That's what you're here for.

BARBARA: Oh!

Now, should we keep this bit,

or should I do a longer solo?

Well, I think...

I'm not interested in what you think.

Tell me what the runes say.

(SIGHS) Erm...

Yeah. Longer solo.

-What you said. Yeah. Definitely. (THUDS)

SADIE: Barbara, could you get that?

If it's Fenton, tell him I'm not interested.

Okay.

Ooh!

It's from The Protector!

He wants you to dance

at tomorrow's Wisdom Giving.

(GASPS)

This is it.

My big break!

Quick, Barbara, get the runes.

And the Sands. And the tarot.

Okay, now this is important.

Tell me...

How will my hair look?

(GASPS) Oh!

There's a big crowd!

I can see The Protector.

(SQUEALS) He's smiling.

He's thanking me personally.

What have you got to do with it?

What about my hair?

The hair...

Oh, the hair! The hair is wonderful.

(EXCLAIMS) Yes!

(BELL DINGING IN STREET)

(CLOCK TICKING)

(GROANS)

Bet this takes a bit of putting up.

Ah, Brian.

Thank you for offering to drop by.

Now, are you the owner of this popcorn business?

I certainly am.

(CACKLING)

Nice try, Brian.

Have another guess.

Is it you?

Yes, it is,

but I am prepared to employ you

to run it for me.

How does 50 sovs a day sound?

Yeah, that sounds great!

You bring me the 50 at the end of every day.

Right. Right. And, erm,

(CLICKS TONGUE) if I can't find the money,

-will you? -Yes.

-And will it be... -Yes.

-I don't suppose there's any chance you could... -No.

-Are we still talking about... -Yes.

(LOUD CLANG)

BRAMBLE: This is it.

He says it's a "mirr-or".

When I look at him,

he looks back at me.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Hawthorn, he's laughing at you.

-What? Him? -He's pointing at you.

Yeah. I'll show him!

Careful, he's pulled a weapon!

No one does that to me!

-Get him! -You want some?

-Hit him! -No, wait!

(SCREAMING) (GLASS SHATTERING)

Where's he gone?

There's some little bits of him down there, look.

Popcorn! Get your lovely popcorn here!

One sov a scoop.

Thank you very much. Don't be shy.

Get your fresh, delicious...

STEG: Stegcorn!

Get your lovely Stegcorn!

Two scoops, one sov.

No, hang on.

-Steg! -Brian.

What are you doing?

Selling popcorn.

Half the price, twice the quality.

Once you pop, you just can't...

(HALTINGLY) Help finishing eating it all.

I mean, why are you selling popcorn?

To make money. Thank you.

I invented popcorn, buddy!

-You're on my patch. -WILLOW: I'll take two.

STEG: Ah, lovely. One sov.

Thank you very much.

(EXHALES) Nothing personal, Brian.

Just business.

There you go.

Thank you, one sov.

Thank you!

BRIAN: Forty-five, forty-six,

Forty-seven...

Plus some free popcorn, and...

This party hat.

SLASHER: You can pay me the rest...

plus interest.

So, tomorrow,

is Wisdom Giving.

The Protector will be coming through the square,

and straight past the stall.

If we can get his official seal of approval,

then we will both make a lot of money.

And when I say "we"

I mean "I".

But if you don't,

we'll both be in a lot of trouble.

And when I say "we",

I mean "you".

Seen Howell recently?

-No, why? -No reason.

HERMAN: Disaster.

The fairies smashed the mirror right before Gala Fight Night.

What? Oh, sorry, Herman.

I've got bigger problems.

What's up, Howell?

Well, there's this woman,

and I really like her.

And I think she likes me,

but I don't know whether she likes me in the same way that I like her.

I mean, she's beautiful, and sensitive,

cuddly, violent.

-Who is it? -You don't know her.

I tell you what women like.

They like to be impressed.

Yeah, but, the thing is, Herman,

I'm not very impressive.

Come on, Howell.

You are a successful wizard.

(LOUDLY) I am a successful wizard!

(LAUGHS) Give us a drink!

-You got any money? (GROANS) No, I'm skint.

Howell!

I need your help.

(GROANS) I don't think I'm your man, Brian.

Listen, I've got to do something for Slasher.

It's really important.

-Slasher? -Yeah.

She was asking after you, by the way.

Was she? What did she say?

What were her exact words?

-"Have you seen Howell?" (HOWELL GASPS)

"Have you seen Howell?"

"Have you seen Howell?"

-How exactly did she say it? -I don't know.

All I know is I've got to keep her happy, otherwise I'm dead.

-You are gonna be just fine, Brian. -How come?

Because I am gonna help you come up with something really impressive.

All we need is a wand,

and a bewildering amount of strong alcohol.

-BRIAN: You want me to get it? -Yes.

MAN: Happy Wisdom Giving!

(BELL RINGING) -Fish pie! Fish pie!

Lovely and ripe.

Freshly made this year.

Stegcorn!

Celebrate Wisdom Giving with some lovely Stegcorn!

There you go.

Megacorn, freshly made Megacorn!

Supersized, multi-flavoured,

rainbow-coloured Megacorn!

Here you go, sir. Try that.

Special Wisdom Giving offer today

One sov a cone.

Thank you. There we go.

Don't be shy. There's plenty to go around.

It's just business, Steeeg.

(TRUMPETS SOUND)

Prepare to welcome

the suckler of all humankind.

Bow your heads

before the Lord Protector!

Greetings, people of Munty,

and welcome to the Wisdom Giving.

I shall now dispense

my words of wisdom.

Some farmers.

"Why waste money on a fork,"

"when a spoon will hold all the gravy?"

(ALL MURMURING)

Man with moustache from Pear Stall.

"Width is just height"

"lying down."

(ALL MURMURING) -SADIE: There he is.

The Protector himself!

(BREATHING HEAVILY) Oh! Keep calm, Sadie.

Keep calm.

(EXHALES) How's my hair?

Don't touch it!

Right. I need a reading.

-What? Another one? -Yes!

Ah, okay.

Do you want the divining rods?

A palm reading?

Ooh! Or the crystal ball?

Yes, the crystal ball!

Quickly! Quickly!

Come on, come on. I need to know what happens!

It's quite complicated.

(FRANTICALLY) I need to know now! (SCREAMING) Ow!

(GROANING LOUDLY)

I'm so sorry.

(SCREAMING) My foot is broken!

Why didn't you see this coming?

You're jealous of my talent,

and my fabulous hair.

Well, I don't need you anymore.

(SHOUTS) You're fired!

(THUDS) (SCREAMING) Ow!

-Whoops! -Low-level snack merchants, my Lord.

"A carrot is orange,"

"but an orange is not a carrot."

(ALL EXCLAIMING) -Nice one!

STEG: My Lord,

would you like to try my Stegcorn?

BRIAN: Or you could try some of my giant Megacorn.

It's like Stegcorn, only better. Yeah.

See, we only use the finest quality ingredients.

And just a little sprinkling of magic, your Hatship.

Oh, delicious.

Quite delicious.

In fact,

I declare that from now on,

Megacorn shall become

the official snack of Munty!

(GROANS) Phutt!

Be impressed!

(ALL CHEERING)

Munty Clack Dancers.

I'm sorry, I've been injured.

The whole dance will have to be cancelled.

Not so fast!

Let's dance.

(FOLK MUSIC PLAYING)

Go on, Barbara.

DANCERS: Prepare!

Nailed it!

(BELLS JINGLING)

I'm doing it!

I'm actually doing it!

(SQUEALS) I'm a real dancer!

Go on, Barbara!

(BARBARA SQUEALS)

Howell, I'm impressed.

(SOFTLY) It was all my idea, Slasher.

There's plenty more where that came from.

(CHOKING)

(MUFFLED SHOUTING)

(GROANING)

(GROANING)

(COUGHS)

(GULPS) That was a bit soggy.

(GROANING)

I want popcorn banned!

(ALL EXCLAIMING) -Wisdom Giving is over!

It's been ruined.

Smash up the popcorn stalls.

-Oh, what? -Now!

It was all Brian's idea.

THE PROTECTOR: People of Munty!

Today we shall see a lot of animals get hurt,

and some fish.

Enjoy!

(ALL CHEERING AND APPLAUDING)

I can't believe we get to sit in The Protector's box.

-For Gala Fight Night! (BARBARA GIGGLES)

I would personally like to thank you

for saving my life.

And I hope that you and your friends

will enjoy the fight.

Thank you, your Protectorness.

Who's up first?

It is a lion versus a shark.

My money's on the shark.

On dry land?

Yeah, but they're very clever.

Start the fight!

Now!

(HUMMING)

I thought later on, maybe you and me could...

Listen, Howell. I think we both know that the other night was a terrible mistake.

(WHIMPERS)

It must never, ever happen again.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

We go again in 10.

(HOWELL CRYING)

No!

(BEEPS)

(ELECTRICITY BUZZING)

(IN DEMONIC VOICE) Howell.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0