Original subtitles

Good morning, my jagged little imaginary best friend.

Oh, good. We're up.

Well, I barely slept

because today is the first...

Sisters Day for me and Honeybee.

Oh, yes, I love girls-only events.

When I went to Lilith Fair I got so high

off the female energy that I jumped off the scaffolding.

Luckily, Sarah McLachlan caught me.

Talk about the arms of an angel.

Yeah, this house and, uh, frankly,

all of the gorgeous state of Alaska, can be a bit

of a frankfurter fiesta, so Honeybee and I decided

to just get out on our own one Saturday a month.

We'll be like, uh, ye women of olde who probably,

you know, like, churned butter together?

You got Honeybee to agree to churn butter?

I modernized it a bit.

For our first Sisters Day activity,

I selected the annual

Phoenix Phlying Feminist Retreat.

I can't believe we got tickets.

They are very hard to come by because

Phoenix, the leader and legend,

does her famous care stare.

Uh, care stare?

Yep, Phoenix comes out on stage,

and then she stares at each

participant one by one and you feel truly seen.

- And she just stares? Huh. - Uh-huh.

The treats are deep in the Alaskan woods.

Moon tried to give me a wilderness survival kit,

but I told him, "No way, man.

"If we need anything out there, we'll just help each other.

Like Alaskan sisters have always done."

I just know Phoenix is really gonna

help Honeybee and I solidify our bond.

But you guys already have a great bond, right?

Uh, I don't know. Honeybee's so much older than me and, like,

a million times cooler, and we haven't spent

that much time together, just the two of us.

I think of her like a sister but I don't know

if she feels that way about me.

But if she doesn't, I'm sure this amazing retreat

will seal the deal.

We're gonna be like the Hemsworth brothers,

but as sisters. I'm Liam with a Chris rising.

Oh. Alanis, stop talking, okay, all right? Okay!

Ugh! I'm gonna be late.

Welp, I dropped Judy and Honeybee off

at the bus and now it's just us guys.

What do we want to do for our Man's Day?

Ooh, we could sharpen the blender blades.

This morning's smoothie was a little coarse.

Or we can visit Whipple's Pickles.

- Oh, hell yeah! - Yes! - Pickle me interested.

We could ride on the pickle carousel

and take our picture in the big pickle jar.

Plus, my Dillon the Dill doll lost his eye

so I got to take him there to get repaired.

And I'm gonna eat the samples till I throw up.

Just like I always do.

I'll grab a bunch of plastic bags for you, son.

It's brine time, my freaks.

It's sweet and sour power hour.

I'm about to bring the thunder on some cucumbers.

Pickle march, fall in.

Whipples! Pickles! Whipples!

Pickles!

Pickle march, at ease.

Is anyone expecting someone?

Beef, honey!

I'm home!

Um. Hello.

Sorry, can we... help you?

Beef, it's me. Zelda Blop, from high school.

Zelda? Oh. Zelda.

Right.

Uh, what brings you here?

Are you coming from your wedding?

Uh, no, I'm going to my wedding.

Remember? We're getting married.

- Us? - Oh, and these must be my stepsons.

Oh, gosh, you're big.

Boys, me and your dad did a pact in high school

that if we weren't married by 40,

we were gonna marry each other.

And guess who turns 40 today?

- Happy birthday, Mother. - Moon.

And thanks to public records, I know you're divorced, Beef.

So, since we're both single...

Great.

Uh, boys, if you would please follow me

to the attic to help me find something?

Is it a ring? Wait, don't tell me.

I'm just gonna get familiar with our kitchen

while you're gone. Aah!

Are you okay?

Yep. This happens all the time.

You go on, you go.

Dad, I know you and Miss Blop just got engaged,

but have you given any thought to your wedding cake?

Aw, Dad, you got to take her name.

Imagine being named Beef Blop.

And we'll be the Blop Boys!

Yep, here she is.

Zelda Blop.

Now I remember her. She was always a bit...

- Bonkers in the tonkers? - Indeed.

And I did take her out in an effort

to make your mom jealous. And I probably

did agree to marry her when we were 40.

I had a tendency to say yes to almost anything girls asked me

at the time, which is how I wound up a dad at 19.

- A rad dad. - With a rad son.

And then two more rad sons

- and a rad daughter. - The Blop Boys.

And Judy.

J-Blop-a-doody.

Well, how bonkers were this lady's tonkers?

Well, she ate a volleyball in gym class

because she thought it was a giant marshmallow.

But I did make a promise,

so I suppose I should marry her.

Dad, no. We'll just go downstairs,

you gently decline the marriage, and we send her on her way.

Mm. Simple. I like it.

Pickle march resuming in T-Minus five minutes.

Cell phones please. They're taking our phones?

But what if there's a celebrity break-up?

Mm, outside distractions

prevent you from achieving the total

Phoenix Phlying experience.

All right, if J-Lo and Ben break up again,

I think I'll feel it in my bones anyway.

When she surprise-dropped her new song

"I'm Having Wine Tonight,"

I woke up from a dead sleep.

I'm just so excited.

- Are you so excited? - I mean, I'm kind of mad

they took my phone, but I'm sure we'll have some fun.

Oh, I just thought you'd be super jazzed

about the sisterhood and all that.

Do you... not like this activity I picked?

Oh, uh, it's just... um...

I went to a lot of events like this

for female entrepreneurs back in Fresno.

From my experience, they're sometimes more

about helping themselves than helping the sisterhood.

Plus, if there's a musical performance,

there's always some white woman getting on another

white woman's shoulders, swaying around and blocking your view.

Well, I think Phoenix is too amazing to be materialistic.

And if there's a musical performance I'll put you

on my shoulders and we'll block some random white woman's view.

Now we're talking. You know I love revenge.

Okay, so do any of these activities here interest you?

There's the Sisterhood of the Bedazzling pants booth

or the Thelma and Louise go-kart track?

Uh, the patriarchy pi�ata?

You know what, Judy? Let's do 'em all.

There you are. Boys, I'd like you

to meet your new stepbrothers, Alphonso and Ned.

But don't worry, you won't have to share your rooms.

They've been drafted into the army,

and they're leaving soon to fight the aliens.

Oh. Cool.

Dad, did you want to say something?

Right.

Zelda, I'm very sorry, but I'm afraid

that, simply put: I cannot marry you.

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

And I spent so much money on this dress.

I got a reverse mortgage for this.

And I sold an organ.

- What? - My mother's organ.

She played in the church for years before she died.

- Oh, God. - Yes.

Dyed her hair bright blonde

and became a real floozy, so the church kicked her out.

Maybe you can save the dress

till you do find someone to marry?

But Beef, I've tried.

Ugh. I know Alaska is up

to its moose teats in men, but you know what

The odds are good, but the goods are odd.

I dated this total gold digger,

and he dug up my yard looking for gold.

And then I dated a knife salesman who chopped

everything I own into little cubes.

Oh, God, what am I gonna do, what am I gonna do?

You don't like me, I'm bad.

Please, uh, stand up.

Oh, no, I can't.

When I get upset, my bones stop working.

I won't be able to get up till I feel better.

Well, uh, I am sure you will feel better

if I tell you I do like you, a lot.

But I actually... just got remarried.

To another woman.

- Dad... - And her name is... Shandor.

Oh, where is she?

She's here.

No. Nope, she's out.

She's a volunteer pet paramedic.

And a cat nearby had a heart attack.

Ugh, sounds like your wife is an angel, Beef.

You know, meeting her is probably the only thing

that would make me feel better about this whole fiasco

and help me start the healing process.

Okay, yes. I'll introduce you.

- Dad. - Okay, I'll just lay here

and wait for her to get home.

I need a break before making the nine-hour drive

back to Chickaloon anyway.

Oh, Shandor also from Chickaloon.

You're gonna have so much to talk about.

- Dad, no more. - Yep. Got it.

Mmm, these empowerment empanadas are delicious.

So, the food, the fun...

Today's pretty great, right?

I got to say, this place is legit.

And not nearly the money grab

- I thought it was gonna be. - Ooh, look.

The sharing tent. Uh, should we check that out?

Sure, but FYI, even if I have to share my feelings,

I'm not sharing any of my her-chata.

I don't care who's in there.

- You guys first-timers, too? - Yep. I'm Judy.

And this is my sister-in-law, Honeybee.

Hey. We're sisters, too.

I'm Paula, and this is Bev.

We own the pawn shop over in Death Cliff,

We Like Your Junk. We're hoping getting stared at

by Phoenix will free our minds up

to take our business to the next level.

We're aiming big. We want to pawn the Hope Diamond.

Hello, everyone. Welcome to the She Said Sharing Shed.

Our prompt today is "a woman who lifts you up."

I will now pass along the communication feather.

Well, I'd say the woman who lifts me up

is my sister Paula right here.

She'd go through fire for me. And she has.

I got stuck in a ring of fire when I got lost

at the circus and she walked right through.

Pulled me out and threw me into that little pool

of water that the high diver dives into.

And Bev held my hand when I gave birth to my twins,

and then again 20 years later when they robbed us.

Wow, I would also say the person who lifts me up

is my sister, Honeybee.

Well, my sister-in-law, but she is my sister.

It's right there, in the name... by law.

I'm just... I jo...

I'm sorry, I just love her so much.

And now she's probably gonna say,

like, something really amazing back to me.

- So... Okay... - Oh, thanks Judy.

Wow. As Patrick Swayze says in Ghost, "ditto."

- Okay, here you go. - Oh. Cool.

The gathering gong.

It's time for the staring.

All right, let's go get looked at by some lady.

Yeah. Yeah. Here I come.

I don't want to be a Forlorn Franklin,

but it really seems like Zelda isn't gonna get up off the floor

until she meets the stepmom Dad invented.

So she's never leaving and we're never getting

- to Whipple's Pickles. - Not necessarily.

All we need is someone who'll pretend

to be married to Dad, meet Zelda,

and then we send her on her way, no harm done.

Oh! We could call Alyson.

Yeah. Okay, how about you guys

get back in there and help Dad not be...

like Dad, and I'll make the call.

Four weddings and a fudgesicle.

Voice mail.

Hey, Alyson, it's Wolf.

And that was the second time I got arrested

at the governor's mansion.

Dad, may we see you in the kitchen?

We have some questions about, uh...

Money and sex.

Hey, don't we all.

Don't. We. All.

Dad, Wolf is trying to find a fake wife for you.

He's calling Alyson.

- Okay, good plan. - What's the plan?

- Aah! - Aah! - Aah! How did you get over here?

I slid.

What kind of plan are you talking about?

Oh. A plan for my wife.

She likes plans, hates surprises.

She startles very easily.

Like a-a bear.

Uh, because she is a bear...

uh, researcher.

Uh, as well as a pet para-demic...

pa... para-paramedic.

Which is why

she's in our room, hibernating like a bear.

Dad, why?

Oh! She came home?

Yeah, sure. Okay, yeah.

Like Dad is saying, she did come home...

But she went right to her room. Dad's room. Their room.

She didn't want to come in and say hi to you guys?

Oh, I'm sure she wanted to, but...

Well, as a bear...

- Oh, my God. - researcher, she lives like a bear...

- And, oh, my God. - For much of the year.

Like I said, it's hibernation time.

Oh, yeah. I-I forgot, because... I'm drunk.

Well, I'll just pop in and take a peek, very quietly.

My bones are feeling a little bit better.

No, don't go now.

She has to prepare for her night job.

As a long-distance chef...

in Japan.

Wow, a long-distance chef?

I don't believe I know what that is.

Have you seen Pacific Rim?

It's like that, but with robot arms

at a restaurant in Tokyo.

Everything you say about this woman makes it clearer

and clearer how my Beef fell for her.

I simply have to get a look.

Oh, just, uh, give me

and my, uh, little brothers a minute

to, uh, you know, ease Mom into the fact that, uh,

she's about to meet the woman who almost married Dad.

And, uh, you and Dad, uh, just hang here.

So, um...

do you keep in touch with anyone else from school?

I heard Joey died. Do you ever talk to him?

So, Judy, you excited?

This is what you've been waiting for.

You ready for this gal to, uh,

get a creepy peepy of you?

- Uh-huh. Yeah. - Judy, is something wrong?

Oh, no. I mean, sort of.

- Please take one. - Hold on, what's this?

Phoenix will reveal all. Just take the cup and drink.

Judy, uh-uh, don't drink that.

Ladies, prepare to take flight.

Please welcome to the stage the one and only

Phoenix!

Wait.

- Phoenix isn't a... - Huh, I...

Hello, welcome.

If you are a first-timer,

you might be surprised to find out that, yes,

I'm a cis hetero man,

but, more importantly,

a cis hetero woke man.

- Dude, where's my shero? - Om...

Now before we get started today, I wanted to share

A wellness elixir so amazing,

it's like a care stare in your cup.

And I can't wait for you to have a little me inside you.

- Mm-mmm. No sir. - It's such a great product

you're gonna want to sell it, too.

And the supply you purchase will fly off the shelf as you work

your way up the sales charts from Mother's Little Helper

to Level Six Creamy Dreamer.

Yep, there it is. It's a multi-level marketing scheme.

Oh, great choice of activity for Sister's Day, Judy.

Oh, my God. No, no, no.

Are those supposed to be...

Boobs. They're boobs.

Though I am a straight, cisgendered man,

my soul is deeply maternal,

and it craves the most beautiful part

of a female experience.

Tonight, I serve you all my milk in the way it was intended.

From these bountiful sacks!

Oh, hell no. This went from being a feminist retreat

to multi-level marketing scheme to some kind of

weird, booby-based cult real quick.

We're getting out of here. Run, run!

Uh, no running. Ladies, return to the milking stage.

Damn it. Attention all staff, we've got flee-nixes.

Honeybee, I'm so sorry. This was my idea.

And now we have no car

and the bus doesn't return for hours.

Look, there's the lady who collected the phones.

Yep, we got eyes on 'em. Going in.

Hi, hi, hello.

Loving the day, having so much fun.

But could we grab our phones real quick?

Uh, we can't release devices until our husband

is done with the staring ceremony.

Now, why don't we get you two back over to it.

That's okay, bye.

Ooh, darn it, now they got away.

Should we chase them?

I don't know. It's awfully muddy

and I didn't bring extra pants.

All right, let's just walk very slowly after them.

- Ooh, I like that. - And here we go.

A one, two...

Ladies?

Okay, we're just gonna have to lay low

until the bus comes back.

- Wait, is that a phone? - Moon, you Lil Prepper genius.

He must have put the emergency phone in my bag after all.

I love that kid.

And... dada-doop, boom.

Lone Moose's lone Uber is on its way.

- In 45 minutes. - Uh-oh, this is bad.

We're gonna get very wet and very cold.

But that's okay. I don't need all my toes.

As long as I can keep Janet and Ronald, I'll be all right.

Um, I've got an idea to keep us dry,

but you're not going to like it.

I know that because I also don't like it.

Okay, since Zelda

thinks fake stepmom is in the house,

we got to get someone in that room, stat.

So I've called in reinforcements.

Hi!

And that's why they took all my emus away.

Dad, Zelda, so nice to see you again.

Some news. My brothers and I have arranged

for Mom to be ready to see Zelda.

Wonderful. Let's, uh, go meet Mrs. Tobin.

Oh, it's, uh, kind of wobbly, huh?

But at least it's warm in here.

And I-I guess it's good that we can, um,

stand up here and not-not be in the,

the pee that's all over the floor.

Judy, sweetie, what's going on?

I don't like the porta-potty, either,

but we'll only be here another half hour.

It's not... it's not that.

It's me.

Where is this coming from?

I just, just...

I said all that dumb stuff in the circle about how you were,

like, my sister and I loved you,

and you just... you just said, "Ditto."

I wanted today to be important and special

for us as sisters, but I guess if you just want

to be more like co-workers...

Maybe we weren't meant to, uh, churn butter together,

or whatever Alaskan women did back in the day.

Okay, Judy, Judy, Judy, slow down, all right?

First of all, in the sharing circle, I said, "Ditto."

You know, like Patrick Swayze did in Ghost.

I've never seen it.

Oh, Judy, no.

Well, we got to watch that movie

and the rest of the Swayze collection.

But his character, Sam, says "ditto" to his wife

because his feelings for her are so big,

he can't put them into words.

Do you...

think of me as a sister?

Of course I do, Judy.

And today was important and special

because we were together.

- It was? - It was.

Thanks, Honeybee.

And, honestly, those boobs...

They really did make today unforgettable.

That was so weird. But, I mean,

the website made Phoenix Phlying Festival sound so great,

but it was all just a trick.

Is feminism bad?

No way. It's just that feminism used to be, like,

three British ladies trying to get the vote or something,

and now it's huge. And that's a good thing.

But, also, now that it's this big, it's grown to include

scam artists and weird white guys.

They find their way into everything.

Eventually, you'll figure out how to gravitate

toward the good version of feminism and avoid the grifters.

- I believe in you. - Thanks, Honeybee.

Wait, no, we're tipping! Aah!

- Aah! Huh? - Aah! What?

Everyone okay in there?

We saw you guys go in here.

Come on, come on, get out.

This thing's heavy. Let's go!

Thank you for saving us.

No problem. It's like they say:

there's a special place in hell

for women who let other women tip over in porta-potties.

Okay, here they come. Everybody ready?

- Mm-hmm. - Oh, perfect voice, Jer.

You sound just like a stepmom.

Entrez.

Hi, Shandor! I'm Zelda.

Oh, you're in your bear suit.

Yes, I'm hibernating.

Well, you better go.

I'm very tired because of my Japanese robot cooking work.

Yeah, we ought to wrap this up and let Mom get back to, uh...

Oh, you simply must remove your bear mask.

No!

Uh, she can't, 'cause, uh,

she was in a horrible accident.

Yeah, she was mauled by one of her bear colleagues.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, I can handle it.

I was actually a nurse for years.

Well, I was pretending to be a nurse, to steal medicine.

Oh, the doorbell. The doorbell is ringing.

We have to answer it immediately.

Uh, here we go, everyone.

Let's go. Bye, Shandor.

Yep. Everybody out. Bye, Mom.

Okay, everybody out, everybody out.

Oh, hello.

I'm Beef's wife, Alyson.

I'm sorry, you're Beef's wife?

Oh, I can... I can explain. Uh...

- Uh-oh. This is bad. - Beef,

I'm also your wife.

I'm ready for sex now.

What do you know. Me too.

But just the wife part, not the sex.

Mm, probably shouldn't have left so many voicemails.

Beef, what in the world?

I guess the jig is up.

It most certainly is.

You have a beautiful wife inside,

a good-hearted international chef who still finds time

to do valuable research on bears.

Yet here you are,

clearly cheating on her with all these other secret wives?

Well, you caught me.

Aw. I am a very bad man whom you should not want to marry.

Shame on you, Dad.

I'm sorry, Beef, but I'm leaving.

And I'm taking my microwave back.

Don't try to stop me.

Who was that? She seems great.

Looks like it's just us again, my beautiful sons.

Well, have a safe drive back to Chickaloon.

I am sincerely sorry that you came all this way for nothing.

It's not a total loss.

I mean, Shandor is amazing.

I'm gonna look her up on Facebook.

And, hey, if all your wives divorce you

by the time we're 50,

let's give this marriage pact thing another try.

Yes. Perfect. Great.

No! No, no, no.

Well,

big news, boys...

In nine years and 364 days,

we're moving to Florida.

Whew, thanks for getting us out of that porta-potty.

Yeah, I was feeling bummed out about feminism

and then you ladies showed up to literally support us.

Happy to do it. You guys want your phones back?

We saw where they stashed 'em earlier, so we grabbed 'em.

Two fewer to sell at the pawn shop.

But we like you guys so it's okay.

Ooh, looks like our Uber is only a minute away.

Do you guys want a ride?

Nah. Bev's ferret-sitter was happy to come swoop us up.

- Smell you guys later. - Bye.

Well, I'm definitely adding them to my Christmas card list.

Oh, yeah. I loved them.

I do feel like that ferret

should have been wearing a helmet, though.

All right, boys, let's head out.

I'm hurtin' for some gherkins.

I'm gonna get my cornichon on.

Let's cuke till we puke.

I would like to try one of those pickle rhymes.

Go for it, Dad.

I would kill for a dill.

Good one.

Hey, is that Judy and Honeybee?

They weren't supposed to be back for hours.

Hey, guys. How was Sisters Day?

Oh, boy. Well, there was a multilevel marketing scheme

and a huge perv

and big old boobs that came down from the sky,

and we almost fell over in a porta-potty.

It was perfect.

Wait, were you guys going somewhere?

Whipple's Pickles. You two want to join?

Uh, yes. Let's get some bread and butter in these mothers.

Oh, boy, I sure hope their Nickelback cover band,

Picklesnack, is playing today.

Pickles.

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