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- Synced and corrected by actumaxime -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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00:00:01,683 --> 00:00:04,554
Alright, everybody, it's court o'clock,
3
00:00:04,579 --> 00:00:06,163
and you made it during Abby Hour.
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00:00:06,164 --> 00:00:08,623
All decisions half-price.
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00:00:08,624 --> 00:00:10,459
- Judge, are you limping?
- A bit.
6
00:00:10,460 --> 00:00:12,294
I got a little hit by a cab.
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00:00:12,295 --> 00:00:16,882
And somehow, the driver
got angrier than I did.
8
00:00:16,883 --> 00:00:19,009
So still getting the hang
of New York, huh?
9
00:00:19,010 --> 00:00:21,094
You know what they say...
You're not a real New Yorker
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00:00:21,095 --> 00:00:23,680
until you pay the guy
who just ran you over $45
11
00:00:23,681 --> 00:00:25,891
to drive you to the hospital.
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00:00:25,892 --> 00:00:27,392
No, you're not a real New Yorker
13
00:00:27,393 --> 00:00:29,811
until you buy a rattrap,
a hammer, and an egg sandwich
14
00:00:29,812 --> 00:00:32,522
from a bodega at 1:00 a.m.
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00:00:32,523 --> 00:00:34,816
First up, the People vs. Caroline Kratz.
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00:00:34,817 --> 00:00:36,985
The defendant is charged
with disorderly conduct
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00:00:36,986 --> 00:00:39,529
for bringing an uncontained
animal onto the subway.
18
00:00:39,530 --> 00:00:40,906
Your Honor, there's a very simple
19
00:00:40,907 --> 00:00:43,366
and extremely legal
explanation for this.
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00:00:43,367 --> 00:00:45,285
It was a service animal.
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00:00:45,286 --> 00:00:46,912
It was a horse.
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00:00:46,913 --> 00:00:50,582
A mini-horse. Nay, a
seeing-eye mini-horse.
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00:00:50,583 --> 00:00:52,793
And according to New York vs. Pongo,
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00:00:52,794 --> 00:00:55,378
mini-horses are allowed
on public transit.
25
00:00:55,379 --> 00:00:57,839
Obviously, I got to get a look
at this guy.
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00:00:57,840 --> 00:00:59,842
[HORSE WHINNIES]
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Upstate, I used to guess
horse sizes at the county fair.
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- And that one is a "big."
- [HORSE NEIGHS]
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Your Honor, um, I call for a mistrial.
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I've just learned that
the defendant and Ms. Moore
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have an existing relationship.
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00:01:18,277 --> 00:01:19,945
They share a daily commute...
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00:01:19,946 --> 00:01:23,990
the 5:42 downtown six train
at Hunter College Station.
34
00:01:23,991 --> 00:01:26,868
Slow down. I think we just blew
right past the big news here.
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That the allegedly blind
defendant just recognized me?
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00:01:29,831 --> 00:01:33,416
Oh, no, no, no.
She didn't recognize you.
37
00:01:33,417 --> 00:01:35,961
The horse did.
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00:01:35,962 --> 00:01:37,712
That's my daily commute, too.
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00:01:37,713 --> 00:01:39,464
Olivia, we're subway buddies.
40
00:01:39,465 --> 00:01:41,967
Really? Well, that's crazy.
41
00:01:41,968 --> 00:01:43,593
Can't believe we haven't
seen each other.
42
00:01:43,594 --> 00:01:46,847
I've seen both of you...
a bunch of times.
43
00:01:46,848 --> 00:01:48,723
Well, you're not helping.
44
00:01:48,724 --> 00:01:52,018
You know what? We just plead guilty.
45
00:01:52,019 --> 00:01:55,689
- How do you put up with her?
- [HORSE GRUNTS]
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00:01:55,690 --> 00:02:01,690
[♪]
47
00:02:10,788 --> 00:02:12,330
I just need a table for one.
48
00:02:12,331 --> 00:02:14,541
Can't you squeeze me in this weekend?
49
00:02:14,542 --> 00:02:16,918
Oh, wait, wait. Did I say
that my name is Dan Fielding?
50
00:02:16,919 --> 00:02:18,420
Uh, I meant, uh, it's
51
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[BRITISH ACCENT] Dame Judi Dench.
52
00:02:24,719 --> 00:02:26,261
Can't get a table at a restaurant?
53
00:02:26,262 --> 00:02:28,346
Ah, it's not just any restaurant.
54
00:02:28,347 --> 00:02:30,474
It's Chromosomme.
55
00:02:30,475 --> 00:02:32,767
Oh! I heard about that place.
56
00:02:32,768 --> 00:02:35,061
They use science to design
your perfect meal
57
00:02:35,062 --> 00:02:37,022
based on a cheek swab, a hair sample,
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00:02:37,023 --> 00:02:39,608
and a secret you swore
to take to the grave.
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00:02:39,609 --> 00:02:42,694
The only chance I have to get
in there is during the week,
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00:02:42,695 --> 00:02:44,112
but we're always leaving here late.
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00:02:44,113 --> 00:02:46,907
I'm all in favor of Abby's
empathetic justice,
62
00:02:46,908 --> 00:02:48,784
but not when it gets
between me and a risotto
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00:02:48,785 --> 00:02:52,621
that was genetically
engineered for my tongue.
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00:02:52,622 --> 00:02:53,872
Well, at least you're not gonna have her
65
00:02:53,873 --> 00:02:55,290
following you around on the subway,
66
00:02:55,291 --> 00:02:58,752
trying to make chitchat
with her big hick energy.
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00:02:58,753 --> 00:03:00,462
Yeah, the judge
isn't good on the subway.
68
00:03:00,463 --> 00:03:02,130
I rode with her once.
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00:03:02,131 --> 00:03:05,967
She held the pole and then
touched her face so many times.
70
00:03:05,968 --> 00:03:08,720
There's my twin sixter.
71
00:03:08,721 --> 00:03:10,972
'Cause we both take the six train.
72
00:03:10,973 --> 00:03:13,934
- She gets it.
- Yeah, we got it.
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00:03:13,935 --> 00:03:15,644
And I watched you stand outside
in the hall
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00:03:15,645 --> 00:03:17,395
till you thought of it.
75
00:03:17,396 --> 00:03:20,065
I'm so excited to spend
some more time together.
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00:03:20,066 --> 00:03:24,027
You could show me the ropes.
I'm still a "Newb Yorker."
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00:03:24,028 --> 00:03:25,612
Okay, that one I can't take credit for.
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00:03:25,613 --> 00:03:27,823
Someone screamed it in my face
when I said "bless you"
79
00:03:27,824 --> 00:03:30,325
after they sneezed on me.
80
00:03:30,326 --> 00:03:32,160
I think I'm gonna have to
take the earlier train.
81
00:03:32,161 --> 00:03:33,495
Yeah, sure. Or you know what?
82
00:03:33,496 --> 00:03:34,996
You could move to Denver.
83
00:03:34,997 --> 00:03:37,375
I bet you there are probably
lawyers there, too.
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00:03:40,419 --> 00:03:43,464
[P.A. BEEPS, INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT]
85
00:03:48,469 --> 00:03:52,430
Oh, sorry. People are animals.
86
00:03:52,431 --> 00:03:54,307
Olivia! Hi.
87
00:03:54,308 --> 00:03:57,894
Oh, good. You took the early train, too.
88
00:03:57,895 --> 00:03:59,354
I was worried we'd miss each other
89
00:03:59,355 --> 00:04:02,065
and our work and private lives
would stay separate.
90
00:04:02,066 --> 00:04:03,859
Well, apparently, my lease says my super
91
00:04:03,860 --> 00:04:05,861
gets to shower in my apartment
on Tuesday nights,
92
00:04:05,862 --> 00:04:08,114
so I like to give him his space.
93
00:04:09,407 --> 00:04:12,868
[LAUGHS] Classic.
94
00:04:12,869 --> 00:04:15,954
- So, are you, um...
- We probably shouldn't talk.
95
00:04:15,955 --> 00:04:17,873
There's a serial killer in the city
96
00:04:17,874 --> 00:04:19,749
who targets women who are friends.
97
00:04:19,750 --> 00:04:21,042
No, they caught that guy.
98
00:04:21,043 --> 00:04:24,129
I know 'cause he's my brother.
99
00:04:24,130 --> 00:04:26,006
Oh. I like your earrings.
100
00:04:26,007 --> 00:04:28,800
Keep it in your pants, perv.
101
00:04:28,801 --> 00:04:31,970
What are you doing?
Don't talk to people.
102
00:04:31,971 --> 00:04:33,722
Also, don't make eye contact.
103
00:04:33,723 --> 00:04:35,223
Or offer anyone candy.
104
00:04:35,224 --> 00:04:38,477
- Even on Halloween?
- You stay inside on Halloween!
105
00:04:38,478 --> 00:04:40,020
I love this.
106
00:04:40,021 --> 00:04:42,814
I'm getting an Olivia
master class on New York City.
107
00:04:42,815 --> 00:04:45,567
Promo code... fuhgettaboutit.
108
00:04:45,568 --> 00:04:48,987
- [BRAKES SQUEAL]
- Oh!
109
00:04:48,988 --> 00:04:51,281
We're having a minor technical issue.
110
00:04:51,282 --> 00:04:54,159
- Hang tight, everyone.
- [PASSENGERS GROAN]
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00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:57,497
Well, that's bonus subway buddy time.
112
00:04:59,373 --> 00:05:02,835
So there's really no chance
your brother's on this train?
113
00:05:07,226 --> 00:05:08,981
Okay, I talked to the driver,
114
00:05:09,006 --> 00:05:11,466
and there's no update
on the maintenance issue.
115
00:05:11,467 --> 00:05:13,802
Also no update on the air-conditioning.
116
00:05:13,803 --> 00:05:16,680
Here's a list of other things
there's no update on.
117
00:05:16,681 --> 00:05:18,265
Here's an update... You're not helpful,
118
00:05:18,266 --> 00:05:20,059
and everyone can see your nipples.
119
00:05:22,778 --> 00:05:24,322
Things are getting tense.
120
00:05:24,532 --> 00:05:26,616
Oh, you're not gonna freak out, are you?
121
00:05:26,617 --> 00:05:28,561
You should know, I do not hold hands.
122
00:05:28,562 --> 00:05:30,578
I'm okay. Everything's gonna be fine.
123
00:05:30,579 --> 00:05:32,747
Sure, we've been cut off
from the societal norms
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00:05:32,748 --> 00:05:34,207
that maintain order,
125
00:05:34,208 --> 00:05:36,251
but we're bonded together
by something even stronger...
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00:05:36,252 --> 00:05:37,460
innate human decency.
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00:05:37,461 --> 00:05:39,254
Stay back, you jackals.
128
00:05:39,255 --> 00:05:41,214
It's my job to deliver this food,
129
00:05:41,215 --> 00:05:42,715
and the restaurant's run by the mob.
130
00:05:42,716 --> 00:05:45,760
There's nothing you can do to me
that they won't do worse.
131
00:05:45,761 --> 00:05:48,805
Okay, when the rats come
for us... and they will...
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00:05:48,806 --> 00:05:52,600
I will sell out every last one of you.
133
00:05:52,601 --> 00:05:55,437
I'm sure the decency
will set in any minute now.
134
00:05:55,438 --> 00:05:57,480
Nope. We're screwed.
135
00:05:57,481 --> 00:05:58,982
Nothing's holding this together.
136
00:05:58,983 --> 00:06:01,985
The norms are gone.
It's subterranean law.
137
00:06:01,986 --> 00:06:04,487
Give me your bag.
138
00:06:04,488 --> 00:06:07,533
What? I can't make a shiv
out of any of this!
139
00:06:10,369 --> 00:06:11,828
Where's Olivia?
140
00:06:11,829 --> 00:06:14,748
I don't have the time or energy
to learn new names.
141
00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:18,168
You understand what I mean,
right, champ?
142
00:06:18,169 --> 00:06:19,711
The six train broke down.
143
00:06:19,712 --> 00:06:22,213
So Abby and Olivia might not make it.
144
00:06:22,214 --> 00:06:25,216
- We had to find some people to fill in.
- All rise.
145
00:06:25,217 --> 00:06:27,510
Manhattan Criminal Court Part 2
is now in session.
146
00:06:27,511 --> 00:06:30,848
The Honorable Murray Flobert presiding.
147
00:06:32,892 --> 00:06:34,559
Mmm-mmm-mmm!
148
00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:38,021
That is some good chicken noodle. Mmm!
149
00:06:38,022 --> 00:06:39,814
Is it just me or does this guy
have a real, like,
150
00:06:39,815 --> 00:06:40,940
substitute-teacher vibe?
151
00:06:40,941 --> 00:06:45,028
Uh, just an FYI, I have judge's elbow.
152
00:06:45,029 --> 00:06:50,033
So I'm gonna be making
the gavel sound with my mouth.
153
00:06:50,034 --> 00:06:53,036
You know, if we work together,
we might be able to get, uh,
154
00:06:53,037 --> 00:06:56,206
old Judge Chicken Noodle there
to do whatever we want.
155
00:06:56,207 --> 00:06:59,250
I may make it out in time
to go to Chromosomme after all.
156
00:06:59,251 --> 00:07:00,877
And I can go to the strip club at night,
157
00:07:00,878 --> 00:07:02,879
when it's like a strip club in a movie.
158
00:07:02,880 --> 00:07:04,923
Not during the day,
when it's like a strip club
159
00:07:04,924 --> 00:07:07,342
in a documentary.
160
00:07:07,343 --> 00:07:09,552
Uh, excuse me. What's the Wi-Fi here?
161
00:07:09,553 --> 00:07:11,513
I need it to look up case files.
162
00:07:11,514 --> 00:07:15,558
Also, does anyone have
a Netflix password I can borrow?
163
00:07:15,559 --> 00:07:18,686
Also for case stuff.
164
00:07:18,687 --> 00:07:21,231
Or we may not have to
do anything at all.
165
00:07:21,232 --> 00:07:25,235
I better call Russ and tell him
to get the champagne room ready.
166
00:07:25,236 --> 00:07:27,404
You see Russ, tell him I said hi.
167
00:07:28,989 --> 00:07:31,658
You do know I'm going
to a male strip club, right?
168
00:07:31,659 --> 00:07:33,786
Yeah, I had a job before this.
169
00:07:37,665 --> 00:07:39,499
Maybe you need something else
to focus on.
170
00:07:39,500 --> 00:07:41,751
I have this great game
called "Crab Attack."
171
00:07:41,752 --> 00:07:43,837
Oh, right, my phone's
been locked with ransomware
172
00:07:43,838 --> 00:07:46,548
ever since I downloaded "Crab Attack."
173
00:07:46,549 --> 00:07:47,966
Don't act like you're the calm one.
174
00:07:47,967 --> 00:07:50,593
I'm the calm one. I'm in control.
175
00:07:50,594 --> 00:07:52,637
Unless control is an illusion.
176
00:07:52,638 --> 00:07:54,931
I mean, I can't control
the subway breaking down
177
00:07:54,932 --> 00:07:56,599
or that the universe
is constantly expanding
178
00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:58,810
and I still can't afford
a one-bedroom in it!
179
00:07:58,811 --> 00:08:00,520
Hey! What do you think you're doing?
180
00:08:00,521 --> 00:08:02,188
- That was my seat.
- Your seat?
181
00:08:02,189 --> 00:08:05,108
I didn't realize I was on the
train with Princess Von Bench.
182
00:08:05,109 --> 00:08:08,445
Whoa! Let's just not forget
our innate human decency.
183
00:08:08,446 --> 00:08:09,737
Abby, stay out of this.
184
00:08:09,738 --> 00:08:11,197
Well, someone's got to do something.
185
00:08:11,198 --> 00:08:13,283
- This place is coming apart.
- This is not court.
186
00:08:13,284 --> 00:08:15,785
They don't have to listen to you.
187
00:08:15,786 --> 00:08:18,955
You're right. It's not court.
188
00:08:18,956 --> 00:08:21,458
But it could be. We should have a trial.
189
00:08:21,459 --> 00:08:23,334
I mean, this is just a simple dispute.
190
00:08:23,335 --> 00:08:24,961
We can figure this out together.
191
00:08:24,962 --> 00:08:27,130
It'll give us something else
to think about.
192
00:08:27,131 --> 00:08:28,882
You know, I'm actually a judge.
193
00:08:28,883 --> 00:08:31,801
Does anyone else
have any legal experience?
194
00:08:31,802 --> 00:08:33,803
I played a dead body on "Law & Order."
195
00:08:33,804 --> 00:08:37,265
We've all played a dead body
on "Law & Order."
196
00:08:37,266 --> 00:08:39,851
You know, "Law & Order"
is the longest-running show
197
00:08:39,852 --> 00:08:42,353
with an ampersand in the title.
198
00:08:42,354 --> 00:08:44,272
Okay, okay. You like saying things.
199
00:08:44,273 --> 00:08:45,607
You can be the clerk.
200
00:08:45,608 --> 00:08:47,066
And I'm getting some real bailiff vibes
201
00:08:47,067 --> 00:08:49,736
from the way you're guarding that pizza.
202
00:08:49,737 --> 00:08:52,280
Olivia, would you like
to be the counsel?
203
00:08:52,281 --> 00:08:54,657
You could think of it as work.
204
00:08:54,658 --> 00:08:57,577
Work is good. I can control work.
205
00:08:57,578 --> 00:08:58,828
Yeah, and you could go up against
206
00:08:58,829 --> 00:09:01,039
the greatest opponent of all.
207
00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:04,042
- The sun?
- No. Yourself.
208
00:09:04,043 --> 00:09:05,753
You could play both sides.
209
00:09:07,463 --> 00:09:08,838
I'm in.
210
00:09:08,839 --> 00:09:10,632
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] And so am I.
211
00:09:10,633 --> 00:09:12,635
[NORMAL VOICE] You know
I'm not gonna do a voice.
212
00:09:14,845 --> 00:09:17,263
Oh, yes! I got a reservation!
213
00:09:17,264 --> 00:09:18,807
I've only got one case left.
214
00:09:18,808 --> 00:09:20,266
I can get there early
and laugh at people
215
00:09:20,267 --> 00:09:22,728
who tested positive for salads.
216
00:09:24,063 --> 00:09:26,022
You'll never guess
who's in the courthouse.
217
00:09:26,023 --> 00:09:29,192
Olympic figure skaters
turned commentators
218
00:09:29,193 --> 00:09:31,111
turned maybe murderers.
219
00:09:31,112 --> 00:09:32,195
I don't know why they here.
220
00:09:32,196 --> 00:09:34,572
Johnny Weir and Tara Lipinski.
221
00:09:34,573 --> 00:09:36,074
They're witnesses in the last case.
222
00:09:36,075 --> 00:09:39,702
Apparently, a figure skater
hot-wired a Zamboni
223
00:09:39,703 --> 00:09:42,789
and tried to smush his competition.
224
00:09:42,790 --> 00:09:44,374
Abby would have loved meeting those two.
225
00:09:44,375 --> 00:09:46,126
She's a huge figure-skating fan.
226
00:09:46,127 --> 00:09:49,045
Oh! Maybe we can stall
until she gets here.
227
00:09:49,046 --> 00:09:51,339
Stall? Are you crazy?
I've got a dinner reservation.
228
00:09:51,340 --> 00:09:53,383
So your fancy dinner is more
important than your friend?
229
00:09:53,384 --> 00:09:54,801
This is not just a dinner.
230
00:09:54,802 --> 00:09:56,137
This is a meal that Scientific American
231
00:09:56,162 --> 00:09:59,665
called a "heinous waste of stem cells."
232
00:10:01,434 --> 00:10:02,725
Fine. I don't need you.
233
00:10:02,726 --> 00:10:04,519
I can slow this court down on my own.
234
00:10:04,520 --> 00:10:05,895
Careful, Gurgs,
you're messing with powers
235
00:10:05,896 --> 00:10:07,480
that you couldn't possibly understand.
236
00:10:07,481 --> 00:10:10,775
I have no idea what that means,
but I'll figure it out.
237
00:10:10,776 --> 00:10:12,402
So we doing this case or not?
238
00:10:12,403 --> 00:10:13,987
- Not if I can help it.
- Absolutely.
239
00:10:13,988 --> 00:10:16,073
Don't make me choose a side.
You're both my friends.
240
00:10:16,098 --> 00:10:18,517
- Not if I can help it.
- Absolutely.
241
00:10:21,642 --> 00:10:22,976
Are we ready to begin?
242
00:10:22,977 --> 00:10:24,394
Uh, yes, Your Honor, we are,
243
00:10:24,395 --> 00:10:27,480
and there's nothing
anybody can do to stop us.
244
00:10:27,481 --> 00:10:30,525
Uh-oh. This says my wife called.
245
00:10:30,526 --> 00:10:32,528
And it's an emergency.
246
00:10:32,553 --> 00:10:34,972
Well, it always is with that one.
247
00:10:37,074 --> 00:10:39,033
Anyway, let's start.
248
00:10:39,034 --> 00:10:41,202
Bang, bang!
249
00:10:41,203 --> 00:10:42,996
So that's your great
stalling move, Gurgs?
250
00:10:42,997 --> 00:10:45,373
You know, I expected more from you.
251
00:10:45,374 --> 00:10:47,250
What can I say, Dan?
I'm all out of moves.
252
00:10:47,251 --> 00:10:49,962
Okay, Clerk, call the last case.
253
00:10:51,088 --> 00:10:53,047
- Where's the clerk?
- Well, look at that.
254
00:10:53,048 --> 00:10:55,175
I had more moves.
255
00:10:55,176 --> 00:10:56,467
We don't need Neil.
256
00:10:56,468 --> 00:10:58,720
He's just a sentient clipboard anyway.
257
00:10:58,721 --> 00:11:00,013
I can call the case.
258
00:11:00,014 --> 00:11:01,556
I wish that were true, Your Honor,
259
00:11:01,557 --> 00:11:03,766
but it's like the regular judge says,
260
00:11:03,767 --> 00:11:07,062
"You can't work without a clerk."
261
00:11:07,095 --> 00:11:09,097
Well, that does rhyme.
262
00:11:10,566 --> 00:11:11,858
You might as well get comfortable, Dan.
263
00:11:11,859 --> 00:11:13,443
You're gonna be here a while,
264
00:11:13,444 --> 00:11:16,394
because I can assure you there's
no way you're finding Neil.
265
00:11:16,395 --> 00:11:19,023
Hello, Neil. [CHUCKLES]
266
00:11:19,209 --> 00:11:21,086
Hiding a clerk in women's holding...
267
00:11:21,111 --> 00:11:23,821
the oldest trick in the book.
268
00:11:23,822 --> 00:11:25,031
Don't call me Neil.
269
00:11:25,032 --> 00:11:27,074
Linda says my name is Sweets now.
270
00:11:27,075 --> 00:11:30,412
This man bothering you, Sweets?
271
00:11:30,437 --> 00:11:33,815
Would you please open
this door, let him out?
272
00:11:35,538 --> 00:11:37,672
Come on, Sweets.
273
00:11:38,613 --> 00:11:41,073
I can't. My legs are asleep.
274
00:11:41,098 --> 00:11:43,495
Man, this meal better be worth it.
275
00:11:43,496 --> 00:11:46,761
Get up, get up, get up. What... Hey!
276
00:11:46,762 --> 00:11:49,138
I'm sorry. Gurgs said if
I didn't help her,
277
00:11:49,139 --> 00:11:50,487
she'd tell everyone where I do stand-up.
278
00:11:50,488 --> 00:11:53,799
Well, that's more of a threat
to us than to you.
279
00:11:54,492 --> 00:11:56,159
Well, well, well.
280
00:11:56,160 --> 00:12:00,288
Looks like the Penn
has become the Teller.
281
00:12:00,289 --> 00:12:01,414
You have gone too far.
282
00:12:01,415 --> 00:12:04,459
You can't lock me in here
with Neil and...
283
00:12:04,460 --> 00:12:06,878
these charming ladies.
284
00:12:06,879 --> 00:12:10,256
Looks like it's Linda's lucky day.
285
00:12:10,257 --> 00:12:14,385
Sweets and Sour.
286
00:12:14,386 --> 00:12:17,222
- Uh, uh...
- [LAUGHS]
287
00:12:17,223 --> 00:12:19,882
Six Train Downtown Local
is now in session.
288
00:12:19,883 --> 00:12:22,468
The honorable judge This Lady presiding.
289
00:12:22,469 --> 00:12:25,929
Alright, let's "baguette" it on.
290
00:12:25,930 --> 00:12:29,224
Your Honor, the defendant
brazenly stole this woman's seat
291
00:12:29,225 --> 00:12:30,476
when she stood to stretch.
292
00:12:30,477 --> 00:12:32,227
And we all know the rule...
293
00:12:32,228 --> 00:12:35,898
If the butt's still near,
I'm a-sittin' here.
294
00:12:35,899 --> 00:12:39,151
Don't be fooled by the
prosecution's big-city rhymes.
295
00:12:39,152 --> 00:12:42,946
Yeah, I'll give it to her, she
is gorgeous and well-dressed.
296
00:12:42,947 --> 00:12:45,074
But the facts are on my side.
297
00:12:45,075 --> 00:12:46,478
I recall at the time of the event,
298
00:12:46,479 --> 00:12:48,438
I had a clear view
of the butt and the seat,
299
00:12:48,439 --> 00:12:49,615
and there was separation.
300
00:12:49,616 --> 00:12:52,067
But surely some amount
of separation is acceptable.
301
00:12:52,068 --> 00:12:55,362
Maybe some separation,
but it's six inches, tops.
302
00:12:55,363 --> 00:12:57,406
Ma'am, I'm gonna need to
commandeer your sandwich
303
00:12:57,407 --> 00:13:01,201
- in the name of justice.
- [TONE PLAYS]
304
00:13:01,202 --> 00:13:03,052
It's more than six inches.
305
00:13:03,053 --> 00:13:06,185
Objection! The sandwich
has a bite out of it.
306
00:13:06,640 --> 00:13:08,109
I'll allow it.
307
00:13:08,475 --> 00:13:10,936
- [TONE PLAYS]
- Look, I'm not unreasonable.
308
00:13:11,096 --> 00:13:13,432
I'd give up my seat to
an old lady or someone pregnant.
309
00:13:13,457 --> 00:13:14,832
Interesting you'd say that.
310
00:13:14,833 --> 00:13:18,836
- What if I told you Rita is pregnant?
- [ALL GASP]
311
00:13:18,837 --> 00:13:21,881
That's right. I do have sex.
312
00:13:21,882 --> 00:13:23,257
Let me ask you,
313
00:13:23,258 --> 00:13:24,800
- what's the due date?
- They're always wrong.
314
00:13:24,801 --> 00:13:26,218
- Gender?
- It's a post-gender society.
315
00:13:26,219 --> 00:13:27,345
What'd you have for lunch today?
316
00:13:27,346 --> 00:13:28,346
- Sushi and bologna.
- Gross!
317
00:13:28,347 --> 00:13:29,847
But also, gotcha.
318
00:13:29,848 --> 00:13:31,807
Pregnant women can't eat
either of those things.
319
00:13:31,808 --> 00:13:35,905
- [ALL GASP]
- Fine. I don't actually have sex.
320
00:13:35,906 --> 00:13:38,147
- Happy now?
- [TONE PLAYS]
321
00:13:38,148 --> 00:13:40,650
The jury has returned the verdict.
322
00:13:40,651 --> 00:13:43,361
And they have decided
that the pregnant one
323
00:13:43,362 --> 00:13:46,489
and nipples should kiss.
324
00:13:46,490 --> 00:13:48,115
You know what? I'll just rule.
325
00:13:48,116 --> 00:13:52,119
On the charge of subway seat
theft, I find the defendant...
326
00:13:52,120 --> 00:13:55,581
- [ALL GASP]
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
327
00:13:55,582 --> 00:13:58,751
No. Stop the train! Stop the...
328
00:13:58,752 --> 00:14:00,879
We haven't heard which one of me won!
329
00:14:02,745 --> 00:14:03,926
You're in luck, Judge.
330
00:14:03,927 --> 00:14:06,887
This court has the largest
active VHS collection
331
00:14:06,888 --> 00:14:08,973
in the continental United States.
332
00:14:08,974 --> 00:14:12,101
And once Alaska falls,
we'll stand alone.
333
00:14:12,102 --> 00:14:14,979
Oh, there are some good flicks in here.
334
00:14:14,980 --> 00:14:16,480
Now, where's the remote?
335
00:14:16,481 --> 00:14:19,108
'Cause I like to fast-forward
through the scary parts.
336
00:14:19,109 --> 00:14:22,319
- Looking for this?
- How did you get out?
337
00:14:22,320 --> 00:14:26,073
I jimmied the lock with
the underwire from Linda's bra.
338
00:14:26,074 --> 00:14:28,367
Well, I anticipated your escape,
339
00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:30,619
and that's why I scheduled
a tornado drill
340
00:14:30,620 --> 00:14:32,371
to start in 3, 2...
341
00:14:32,372 --> 00:14:34,165
One thing you've overlooked, Gurgs,
342
00:14:34,166 --> 00:14:37,251
is I have powerful friends
in the Tornado Marshal's office,
343
00:14:37,252 --> 00:14:40,463
and I rescheduled that drill
till your birthday,
344
00:14:40,464 --> 00:14:42,882
just as they wheel out the cake.
345
00:14:42,883 --> 00:14:44,508
Something you overlooked is, last year,
346
00:14:44,509 --> 00:14:46,719
I wished for no tornado drills
on my birthday.
347
00:14:46,720 --> 00:14:51,515
- But now you said the wish out loud.
- You monster.
348
00:14:51,516 --> 00:14:54,101
I'll give it to you, Gurgs.
You know how this place works.
349
00:14:54,102 --> 00:14:56,729
But nobody knows it better than me.
350
00:14:56,730 --> 00:15:00,149
Then you know there's
a water main behind that wall,
351
00:15:00,150 --> 00:15:03,861
and if it were to somehow break,
352
00:15:03,862 --> 00:15:06,841
the cleanup would be
quite time-consuming.
353
00:15:06,842 --> 00:15:08,176
Where's the remote?
354
00:15:08,177 --> 00:15:10,178
This is one of those scary parts.
355
00:15:10,179 --> 00:15:11,930
Gurgs, I'm not gonna try and stop you,
356
00:15:11,931 --> 00:15:15,183
because unlike the wife
of the man who built this place,
357
00:15:15,184 --> 00:15:19,939
you love this building too much
to put an ax in its chest.
358
00:15:22,066 --> 00:15:24,693
You win, Dan. Enjoy your dinner.
359
00:15:24,694 --> 00:15:26,945
I hope your scallops are saltier
than Abby's tears
360
00:15:26,946 --> 00:15:28,071
when she hears she missed a chance
361
00:15:28,072 --> 00:15:29,906
at meeting ice-skating royalty.
362
00:15:29,907 --> 00:15:31,908
There won't be any scallops.
363
00:15:31,909 --> 00:15:34,202
I already know that my personalized menu
364
00:15:34,203 --> 00:15:38,249
will rely heavily
on an endangered species.
365
00:15:39,584 --> 00:15:44,130
It's always been a dream of mine
to eat the last of something.
366
00:15:50,842 --> 00:15:52,635
Hi. Dan Fielding.
367
00:15:52,636 --> 00:15:55,054
I just want to say that
I have a great deal of respect
368
00:15:55,055 --> 00:15:56,681
for Olympics athletes.
369
00:15:56,682 --> 00:16:00,977
Your ability to work only once
every four years... incredible.
370
00:16:00,978 --> 00:16:03,980
Now, this is a man with presence.
371
00:16:03,981 --> 00:16:06,607
It's like a daring mix of stateliness
372
00:16:06,608 --> 00:16:07,984
and "I couldn't care less" energy
373
00:16:07,985 --> 00:16:11,195
that is just so exciting to watch.
374
00:16:11,196 --> 00:16:13,948
Well, he's known as the bad boy
of the courtroom
375
00:16:13,949 --> 00:16:15,324
- for a reason, T.
- Mm-hmm.
376
00:16:15,325 --> 00:16:18,828
The passion, the fire, the pageantry.
377
00:16:18,829 --> 00:16:22,164
- You know, we live for pageantry.
- For pageantry.
378
00:16:22,165 --> 00:16:23,833
Wow. Wonderful.
379
00:16:23,834 --> 00:16:26,669
So may I ask what you two were
talking to our bailiff about?
380
00:16:26,670 --> 00:16:28,421
She asked us to stick around
for her friend,
381
00:16:28,422 --> 00:16:30,298
but, I mean, if we stayed
every time a bailiff
382
00:16:30,299 --> 00:16:31,883
asked us to meet someone,
383
00:16:31,884 --> 00:16:34,343
we'd never have time to form
this remarkable friendship.
384
00:16:34,344 --> 00:16:36,679
Also, full disclosure,
we have an early breakfast
385
00:16:36,680 --> 00:16:38,306
with Michelle Kwan and Ewan McGregor.
386
00:16:38,307 --> 00:16:40,975
[GASPS] Have I said too much?
387
00:16:40,976 --> 00:16:42,226
Ah, don't... No, don't worry.
388
00:16:42,227 --> 00:16:43,477
We'll get you out of here so fast
389
00:16:43,478 --> 00:16:44,896
that you'll be accused of cheating.
390
00:16:44,897 --> 00:16:47,982
You know what I mean? Okay.
391
00:16:47,983 --> 00:16:52,695
Hey, Gurgs, listen, I am sorry
that Abby is gonna not be here.
392
00:16:52,696 --> 00:16:54,864
But, you know, meeting your
heroes isn't always great.
393
00:16:54,865 --> 00:16:58,534
When I was 10,
I met my favorite astronaut,
394
00:16:58,535 --> 00:17:00,995
and she screamed and bit my hand.
395
00:17:00,996 --> 00:17:06,542
But in the commander's defense,
she was a squirrel monkey.
396
00:17:06,543 --> 00:17:09,128
I get that meeting a celebrity
might not be a big deal
397
00:17:09,129 --> 00:17:13,883
for someone who's met some of
our nation's greatest monkeys.
398
00:17:13,884 --> 00:17:15,551
But it's hard being new in town.
399
00:17:15,552 --> 00:17:17,887
Your whole life, you hear about
how magical New York is,
400
00:17:17,888 --> 00:17:23,226
and when you get here, it's just
scaffolding and weird puddles.
401
00:17:23,227 --> 00:17:24,894
And when something magical
finally does happen,
402
00:17:24,895 --> 00:17:28,064
like Macho Man Randy Savage
coming to your courtroom,
403
00:17:28,065 --> 00:17:30,524
well, you miss it 'cause it's
the one day you took off work
404
00:17:30,525 --> 00:17:32,360
and no one even bothers to page you.
405
00:17:32,361 --> 00:17:34,487
Your hero is Macho Man Randy Savage?
406
00:17:34,488 --> 00:17:37,365
[AS RANDY SAVAGE] Oh, yeah!
407
00:17:37,366 --> 00:17:39,408
[NORMAL VOICE] I... I just wanted
to look out for Abby
408
00:17:39,409 --> 00:17:41,410
the way I wish someone
had looked out for me.
409
00:17:41,411 --> 00:17:44,747
Last case... People vs. Shawn Pierce.
410
00:17:44,748 --> 00:17:48,417
I see here the defendant
is pleading no contest
411
00:17:48,418 --> 00:17:50,169
to misdemeanor assault.
412
00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:51,796
Based on the witness statements
413
00:17:51,797 --> 00:17:55,841
provided by national treasures
Tara Lipinski and Johnny Weir...
414
00:17:55,842 --> 00:18:00,638
Hey! I will let the defendant
off with a $100 fine.
415
00:18:00,639 --> 00:18:02,306
- Case dis...
- Your Honor, the defense
416
00:18:02,307 --> 00:18:04,392
would like to call a time-out.
417
00:18:04,393 --> 00:18:07,937
But I was about to make my gavel noise.
418
00:18:07,938 --> 00:18:11,941
Whoa. Dan Fielding making
a bold and daring move.
419
00:18:11,942 --> 00:18:13,609
No one was expecting this.
420
00:18:13,610 --> 00:18:17,780
Let's listen in.
Will he stick this landing?
421
00:18:17,781 --> 00:18:21,284
We're gonna be amending
our plea to not guilty
422
00:18:21,285 --> 00:18:23,619
and calling a bunch of witnesses,
423
00:18:23,620 --> 00:18:28,207
so if anybody has a pre-paid and
pre-tipped dinner reservation,
424
00:18:28,208 --> 00:18:32,128
well, they can kiss that goodbye.
425
00:18:32,129 --> 00:18:35,131
So for our first witness,
we'd like to call
426
00:18:35,132 --> 00:18:37,634
man sucking milk out of the bag.
427
00:18:42,014 --> 00:18:44,390
For your first time
getting stuck on a subway,
428
00:18:44,391 --> 00:18:46,309
you handled it pretty well.
429
00:18:46,310 --> 00:18:47,727
Honestly, it wasn't that different
430
00:18:47,728 --> 00:18:49,604
from when I was trapped in a corn maze.
431
00:18:49,605 --> 00:18:52,357
That scarecrow and I
had some good times.
432
00:18:53,692 --> 00:18:55,109
Though I think, on some level,
433
00:18:55,110 --> 00:18:56,736
we both knew what we had was fleeting,
434
00:18:56,737 --> 00:18:59,906
and that's what made it so special.
435
00:18:59,907 --> 00:19:03,326
Well, you definitely kept it
from getting ugly in there.
436
00:19:03,327 --> 00:19:04,535
So you think this gets me closer
437
00:19:04,536 --> 00:19:05,995
to being a real New Yorker?
438
00:19:05,996 --> 00:19:07,788
Eh, who knows what
a real New Yorker even is?
439
00:19:07,789 --> 00:19:09,665
All I know is,
this is a city of weirdos,
440
00:19:09,666 --> 00:19:11,667
and your relentless positivity
441
00:19:11,668 --> 00:19:13,836
makes you one of the weirdest
people I ever met.
442
00:19:13,837 --> 00:19:15,672
Olivia, thank you.
443
00:19:17,257 --> 00:19:18,716
You're gonna be just fine.
444
00:19:18,717 --> 00:19:22,845
- Fine enough to be your subway buddy?
- No.
445
00:19:22,846 --> 00:19:24,931
You don't know the defendant at all,
446
00:19:24,932 --> 00:19:28,601
but your parents named you
Stefanie with an "F."
447
00:19:28,602 --> 00:19:30,853
Why don't you take us all down
that road for a second.
448
00:19:30,854 --> 00:19:32,730
I've heard enough. Defense rests.
449
00:19:32,731 --> 00:19:34,690
Hold on. I have a question.
450
00:19:34,691 --> 00:19:37,318
Johnny, Tara, do you think
it's too late for me
451
00:19:37,319 --> 00:19:38,904
to learn how to skate?
452
00:19:40,489 --> 00:19:42,240
Abby, look who's here.
453
00:19:42,241 --> 00:19:45,034
- Abby Stone?
- Tara, Johnny, hi!
454
00:19:45,035 --> 00:19:46,410
Flawless entrance.
455
00:19:46,411 --> 00:19:50,331
Nobody walks into a room
better than Abby Stone.
456
00:19:50,332 --> 00:19:52,041
Wait a minute. You know each other?
457
00:19:52,042 --> 00:19:54,502
Of course. I see them
every year at Freezing Man.
458
00:19:54,503 --> 00:19:56,420
It's like Burning Man
but for winter sports,
459
00:19:56,421 --> 00:19:59,966
and instead of drugs,
we're high on ice pageantry.
460
00:19:59,967 --> 00:20:01,217
So hold on a second.
461
00:20:01,218 --> 00:20:02,677
You made me miss the meal of a lifetime
462
00:20:02,678 --> 00:20:05,638
so that Abby could meet people
she's already met?
463
00:20:05,639 --> 00:20:08,266
For a conversation I overheard
her having with someone else,
464
00:20:08,267 --> 00:20:09,642
I got pretty close.
465
00:20:09,643 --> 00:20:12,186
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES]
- Oh, we've got to go.
466
00:20:12,187 --> 00:20:14,689
Some idiot gave up their
reservation at Chromosomme.
467
00:20:14,690 --> 00:20:16,983
Ooh! Would you like to join us
for dinner, Your Honor?
468
00:20:16,984 --> 00:20:18,568
Oh, hell yeah!
469
00:20:18,569 --> 00:20:20,778
Bang, bang! Court is adjourned.
470
00:20:20,779 --> 00:20:23,239
Here. You can have my chicken noodle.
471
00:20:23,240 --> 00:20:25,659
Let's go, let's go. Excuse me.
472
00:20:27,119 --> 00:20:28,995
I'm sorry you missed
your special dinner.
473
00:20:28,996 --> 00:20:34,000
But as a friend, I think I know
you better than science, so...
474
00:20:34,001 --> 00:20:36,002
Gurgs, hog's head cheese,
475
00:20:36,003 --> 00:20:38,880
stewed chicken feet, fried gizzards.
476
00:20:38,881 --> 00:20:43,593
Oh! It's a feast fit for a king.
477
00:20:43,594 --> 00:20:45,595
These are all the weird swamp delicacies
478
00:20:45,596 --> 00:20:47,096
you grew up on in Louisiana.
479
00:20:47,097 --> 00:20:48,806
You know what?
I'd call your description rude,
480
00:20:48,807 --> 00:20:50,349
but my favorite restaurant growing up
481
00:20:50,350 --> 00:20:53,060
was called Swamp Delicacies.
482
00:20:53,061 --> 00:20:55,021
Oh. It was very fancy.
483
00:20:55,022 --> 00:20:59,108
You could pick your own
live gator from a tank.
484
00:20:59,109 --> 00:21:01,527
Hey, guys, I just wanted
to say thank you so much
485
00:21:01,528 --> 00:21:02,737
for stalling court for me.
486
00:21:02,738 --> 00:21:05,114
It was... Yo, are those gizzards?
487
00:21:05,115 --> 00:21:06,157
- Yes!
- Let me in there!
488
00:21:06,158 --> 00:21:07,325
Come on, sit down.
489
00:21:07,326 --> 00:21:10,286
Feet for everybody. Ha-ha!
490
00:21:10,287 --> 00:21:12,246
- Come on.
- Mnh-mnh.
491
00:21:12,247 --> 00:21:13,957
I ain't... Ugh!
492
00:21:15,250 --> 00:21:16,877
- City folk.
- City folk.
493
00:21:19,128 --> 00:21:24,128
- Synced and corrected by actumaxime -
- www.addic7ed.com -
38304
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