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- Synced and corrected by actumaxime -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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Your Honor, the defendant was caught
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with the stolen items in her purse.
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You Honor, my client, Mrs. Jasser...
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It's Ms. Jasser.
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Noted. Ms. Jasser...
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You can call me Helen.
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The defendant had no idea that...
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- My husband's in a coma.
- Oh.
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Objection, Your Honor.
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Th... The defendant is
groping her attorney.
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Counsel, approach the bench.
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Oh, I got nothing.
14
00:00:28,971 --> 00:00:31,292
I just thought you could use a break.
15
00:00:31,335 --> 00:00:33,337
Am I crazy, or has someone been getting
16
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a lotof lady attention lately?
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Connie from probate
won't stop talking about
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00:00:37,559 --> 00:00:39,778
the dashing new defense
attorney with the thick hair
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and tush worth a push.
20
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Connie's a big ol' freak.
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It's actually really annoying.
22
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I'm tired of women asking me
if I've got any inside info
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00:00:49,658 --> 00:00:51,790
on the silver fox I work with.
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Carol in the cafeteria,
Carol at records,
25
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Carol who's always
wearing the cat blouse.
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Oh! Go for cat blouse.
27
00:00:59,668 --> 00:01:02,671
I mean, I just thought that
maybe she could be your chance
28
00:01:02,714 --> 00:01:05,630
at sharing your hopes
and dreams with someone.
29
00:01:05,674 --> 00:01:08,807
And she could also share
where to get that cat blouse.
30
00:01:08,851 --> 00:01:10,505
Well, I hate to spoil all your fun,
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but my dating days are behind me.
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Of course, there was a
time I would have killed
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for this kind of attention
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and almost did.
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Not a human, a chicken.
36
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A voodoo doctor back in
Plaquimines Parish, Louisiana,
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told me that an animal sacrifice
would make me irresistible
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to the fairer sex.
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Anyway, let's get back to these weirdos.
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[♪]
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[♪]
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Which one of these pet fish
looks like the most fun?
43
00:01:54,201 --> 00:01:56,768
This one has kind eyes and
seems like a good listener,
44
00:01:56,812 --> 00:01:59,509
but this one's name is Zazzle.
45
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Unless you're a seal, getting a fish
46
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is a desperate cry for help.
47
00:02:03,862 --> 00:02:05,429
Well, my fiancé, Rand, and I
48
00:02:05,473 --> 00:02:07,170
have been doing the
long-distance thing for a while,
49
00:02:07,214 --> 00:02:08,866
and I've been feeling a little lonely,
50
00:02:08,911 --> 00:02:10,521
so thought I'd get a pet.
51
00:02:10,565 --> 00:02:12,567
But it has to be one
that you can't dress up
52
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because otherwise I'll
never leave the apartment.
53
00:02:15,700 --> 00:02:17,659
Well, stud, you got me into handcuffs.
54
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What now? [LAUGHS]
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I mean, seriously,
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00:02:22,272 --> 00:02:24,100
is there no poetry left in flirting?
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Earlier today, a woman yelled,
"I'd like to climb that!"
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- [LAUGHTER]
- [CELLPHONE VIBRATES]
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00:02:31,542 --> 00:02:34,719
Ooh, I gotta get this.
It's the fish people.
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00:02:34,763 --> 00:02:36,199
Excuse me, could you help me...
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Oh, please. Yes, can I help you...
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what, would you like to
bang my gavel [GRUMBLES]
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or some other tortured double entendre?
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00:02:43,250 --> 00:02:44,381
Let me tell you something.
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I dress like this to please myself,
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not to be ogled and debased
by deviants like you.
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I just wanted to know
where the records room is.
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- Down the hall to the left, first right.
- Ah.
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00:02:56,741 --> 00:02:58,829
Uh, excuse me.
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00:02:58,874 --> 00:03:00,484
I'd like to apologize. I'm very sorry.
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I... I had a long day.
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Oh, I mean, I can't begin
to appreciate the indignities
73
00:03:06,447 --> 00:03:09,667
you must suffer as an
upper-middle-class white man.
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00:03:10,973 --> 00:03:13,889
I deserve that. Can I make it up to you
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00:03:13,932 --> 00:03:16,892
by buying your... real-life newspaper?
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00:03:16,935 --> 00:03:18,763
Oh, I actually get this delivered.
77
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Yeah, call me old
fashioned, but I like knowing
78
00:03:21,984 --> 00:03:24,943
there was someone right outside
my door while I was asleep.
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[CHUCKLES]
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Ah, I thought I was one of
the last people to read those.
81
00:03:29,034 --> 00:03:30,688
Matter fact, I start
every day by doing...
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- The Jumble.
- ... the Jumble.
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00:03:32,908 --> 00:03:34,083
Uh, I'm Dan.
84
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- Oh. Julianne.
- Hi.
85
00:03:35,650 --> 00:03:37,739
Well, thanks for the directions,
86
00:03:37,781 --> 00:03:40,437
and good luck fending off the deviants.
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Ha! [CHUCKLES]
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Ah, screw it. Look, I did
come over to you
89
00:03:46,356 --> 00:03:47,923
because I thought you were handsome,
90
00:03:47,966 --> 00:03:50,839
and my therapist told me that
I should take more chances.
91
00:03:50,882 --> 00:03:52,884
Well, here's my number.
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00:03:52,928 --> 00:03:55,713
Maybe we can Jumble together sometime.
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- Oooh!
- Dan met a lady!
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My heart is closed for business.
95
00:04:05,897 --> 00:04:07,725
I've had the great romance of my life.
96
00:04:07,769 --> 00:04:10,337
That's more than most people get.
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00:04:10,380 --> 00:04:12,469
I know you don't believe that.
98
00:04:12,513 --> 00:04:15,124
I mean, just tonight you
said that we're all entitled
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00:04:15,167 --> 00:04:17,082
to more than one great love.
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00:04:17,125 --> 00:04:19,302
Sure, you were defending
a polygamist cult leader,
101
00:04:19,346 --> 00:04:23,045
but I could tell it was from the heart.
102
00:04:24,133 --> 00:04:27,571
Ugh, romance. Even those
movies are depressing.
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They're all about some woman
who abandons a presentation
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to catch some guy at the airport.
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It's like, finish the presentation.
106
00:04:34,230 --> 00:04:37,015
The head of the company is there!
107
00:04:37,058 --> 00:04:40,149
Well, y'all know me... I always
got a boo and a back-up boo.
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00:04:40,192 --> 00:04:41,890
You will not catch me on the kiss cam
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with no one to kiss,
bumming out a whole stadium.
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00:04:44,022 --> 00:04:46,895
It's just not fair to the fans.
111
00:04:46,938 --> 00:04:48,462
All right, let's give Dan a break.
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00:04:48,505 --> 00:04:50,638
If he doesn't want to date, that's okay.
113
00:04:50,681 --> 00:04:52,335
I mean, he doesn't
need a special someone
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when he's got us.
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00:04:53,815 --> 00:04:56,296
We are all the emotional
connection he needs.
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00:04:56,339 --> 00:04:58,558
I'm just gonna go
ahead and text Julianne.
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00:04:58,602 --> 00:05:02,563
- [LAUGHTER]
- I'm an assistant district attorney
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00:05:02,606 --> 00:05:03,912
in the city of New York,
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00:05:03,955 --> 00:05:07,611
- and you will treat me with respect!
- [BANGING]
120
00:05:07,655 --> 00:05:10,005
Okay, well, your client
should have thought about that
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00:05:10,048 --> 00:05:13,574
before took a bath in
Richard Kind's apartment.
122
00:05:13,617 --> 00:05:16,620
Oh, okay. I'll see youin court.
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00:05:19,971 --> 00:05:21,973
[COIN SPLASHES]
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00:05:24,193 --> 00:05:26,238
You got any mints?
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00:05:27,675 --> 00:05:29,241
This is a nightmare.
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00:05:29,285 --> 00:05:31,243
I'm trying to find somewhere
I can work that's quiet,
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00:05:31,287 --> 00:05:33,028
but this just... this is not worth it.
128
00:05:33,071 --> 00:05:35,378
Well, isn't there an office
all the DAs work out of?
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00:05:35,422 --> 00:05:37,685
Ugh! No one will leave
me alone in there.
130
00:05:37,728 --> 00:05:39,251
Okay, you know what?
It's fine. It's fine.
131
00:05:39,295 --> 00:05:41,123
I'm... I'm just gonna go
and work in the morgue.
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00:05:41,166 --> 00:05:44,126
The vibe is lousy, but at least
there are plenty of drawers.
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00:05:44,169 --> 00:05:46,389
Well, hang on. I bet if
we put our heads together,
134
00:05:46,433 --> 00:05:47,999
we can find you a quiet place to work.
135
00:05:48,043 --> 00:05:49,610
Oh, I don't know.
I've looked everywhere.
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00:05:49,653 --> 00:05:51,655
Every office and most
of the closets are...
137
00:05:51,699 --> 00:05:54,092
What... What's... What are you doing?
138
00:05:54,136 --> 00:05:56,834
Uh, you keep blueprints
in the bathroom vent?
139
00:05:56,878 --> 00:05:58,401
I keep blueprints in every vent.
140
00:05:58,445 --> 00:05:59,707
You never know when
you might find yourself
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00:05:59,750 --> 00:06:01,361
in a "Die Hard" situation.
142
00:06:03,450 --> 00:06:04,668
"Die Hard."
143
00:06:04,712 --> 00:06:07,584
- Uh...
- Nakatomi Plaza?
144
00:06:07,628 --> 00:06:10,282
We open on a plane.
145
00:06:10,326 --> 00:06:12,546
A young Die Hard hates to fly.
146
00:06:12,589 --> 00:06:14,286
Don't have time to hear
a movie right now, Gurgs.
147
00:06:14,330 --> 00:06:15,940
Right. One emergency at a time.
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00:06:15,984 --> 00:06:17,377
All buildings like this have a lot
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00:06:17,420 --> 00:06:18,943
of unused nooks and crannies.
150
00:06:18,987 --> 00:06:21,032
Okay, well, looks like
our best bet gonna be
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00:06:21,076 --> 00:06:22,686
right here in the east wing.
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00:06:24,601 --> 00:06:27,169
[LAUGHTER]
153
00:06:29,301 --> 00:06:30,564
Thanks for expediting the docket
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00:06:30,607 --> 00:06:32,522
so Dan could leave early for his date.
155
00:06:32,566 --> 00:06:34,611
Any big plans for all
this extra night we've got?
156
00:06:34,655 --> 00:06:36,396
Yeah, so many.
157
00:06:36,439 --> 00:06:38,746
Me and my boy... Jaston, the...
158
00:06:38,789 --> 00:06:41,531
- It's okay to say nothing.
- Nothing.
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00:06:41,575 --> 00:06:43,054
You?
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00:06:43,098 --> 00:06:44,926
Mondays used to be pizza
night for me and Rand,
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00:06:44,969 --> 00:06:48,058
but now we're 300 miles apart, so...
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00:06:48,103 --> 00:06:50,975
At least Dan's having fun.
163
00:06:51,019 --> 00:06:52,977
First dates are so magical.
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00:06:53,021 --> 00:06:54,979
The anticipation, the jitters,
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the excitement when the car pulls up
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00:06:56,590 --> 00:06:58,461
and you get that first whiff of garlic.
167
00:06:58,505 --> 00:07:00,985
Now I'm talking about pizza again.
168
00:07:01,029 --> 00:07:03,423
Plus, Dan picked a
great first-date spot.
169
00:07:03,466 --> 00:07:05,816
De Bello's minestrone is to die for.
170
00:07:05,860 --> 00:07:07,427
And they'll give you a cup for half off
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00:07:07,470 --> 00:07:10,821
if you show them the text
when your date cancels.
172
00:07:10,865 --> 00:07:14,129
You don't think Julianne would
cancel on Dan, though, right?
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00:07:14,172 --> 00:07:16,653
I hate the idea of him
sitting alone, rejected,
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00:07:16,697 --> 00:07:19,134
crying into a bowl of sad soup.
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00:07:19,177 --> 00:07:20,744
They won't upgrade you to a bowl,
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00:07:20,788 --> 00:07:22,790
no matter how much you're crying.
177
00:07:22,832 --> 00:07:24,139
I pushed him into this.
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00:07:24,182 --> 00:07:25,793
I'm gonna feel terrible if he gets hurt.
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00:07:25,836 --> 00:07:27,838
Like the time I snuck my
cousin on a roller coaster
180
00:07:27,882 --> 00:07:30,188
and realized you have to
be this tall for a reason.
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00:07:30,232 --> 00:07:33,670
- [LAUGHTER]
- Don't worry, there was a loop,
182
00:07:33,714 --> 00:07:36,368
so she landed right back in her seat.
183
00:07:36,412 --> 00:07:39,459
But the guy said that
almost never happens.
184
00:07:39,502 --> 00:07:43,593
Okay, what if I just popped into
the restaurant for a quick peek
185
00:07:43,637 --> 00:07:45,943
just to make sure it's all going okay?
186
00:07:45,987 --> 00:07:47,336
That wouldn't be too crazy, right?
187
00:07:47,379 --> 00:07:50,034
No. I'll come, too. Moral support.
188
00:07:50,078 --> 00:07:53,777
- Plus, I can tell people I was on a date.
- [LAUGHTER]
189
00:07:56,084 --> 00:07:57,868
Okay, I just real quick
want to get eyes on him,
190
00:07:57,912 --> 00:07:59,479
and then we'll be on our way.
191
00:07:59,522 --> 00:08:01,524
Hey, hey, Mr. Neil!
192
00:08:01,568 --> 00:08:04,701
Well, she showed up this
time. Congratulations.
193
00:08:04,745 --> 00:08:06,834
Oh, no, she's my boss.
194
00:08:06,877 --> 00:08:10,315
Ah, that makes more sense.
I'll go get your soup.
195
00:08:10,359 --> 00:08:13,362
Oh! There he is.
196
00:08:13,405 --> 00:08:16,060
Oh, no. He's alone. He got stood up.
197
00:08:16,104 --> 00:08:20,630
- Okay, this was a bad idea. We should go.
- [DISHES CLATTERING]
198
00:08:21,849 --> 00:08:23,894
Oh! Dan's here!
199
00:08:23,938 --> 00:08:27,245
- Hi, Dan.
- [LAUGHTER]
200
00:08:30,858 --> 00:08:33,513
- What are you doing here?
- It's a funny story.
201
00:08:33,556 --> 00:08:35,775
So, uh, Neil wanted soup,
202
00:08:35,818 --> 00:08:37,472
and then we knocked over that tray,
203
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:42,130
and now you're mad at us. I'm so sorry.
204
00:08:42,173 --> 00:08:45,786
- Julianne stood you up, didn't she?
- Yes, she did.
205
00:08:45,829 --> 00:08:49,529
Turns out she never liked
me, I guess, and... oh.
206
00:08:49,572 --> 00:08:51,226
Ugh. Too much work.
207
00:08:51,269 --> 00:08:52,749
I never sent her a text.
208
00:08:52,793 --> 00:08:54,359
What the nuts, Dan?
You didn't have to lie.
209
00:08:54,403 --> 00:08:56,013
It's fine if you didn't like her.
210
00:08:56,057 --> 00:08:57,493
No, it's not that I didn't like her.
211
00:08:57,537 --> 00:09:00,191
I actually found her rather captivating.
212
00:09:00,235 --> 00:09:02,019
All right, look, if you must know,
213
00:09:02,063 --> 00:09:03,804
I actually did write her a text
inviting her here to dinner.
214
00:09:03,847 --> 00:09:07,068
I just never got to the send part.
215
00:09:07,111 --> 00:09:09,636
That's how these things start...
with send, and then dinner,
216
00:09:09,679 --> 00:09:11,159
then a second dinner,
217
00:09:11,202 --> 00:09:12,595
and then all of a
sudden it's Thanksgiving
218
00:09:12,639 --> 00:09:13,944
and you find yourself duking it out
219
00:09:13,988 --> 00:09:15,293
with her half-Turkish brother-in-law
220
00:09:15,337 --> 00:09:17,121
over American policy in the Balkans,
221
00:09:17,165 --> 00:09:18,819
and why in that particular scenario
222
00:09:18,862 --> 00:09:20,342
I have such strong opinions about that,
223
00:09:20,385 --> 00:09:22,605
I don't know, but I do.
224
00:09:22,649 --> 00:09:25,042
The point is,
225
00:09:25,086 --> 00:09:26,870
I understand that this could be scary,
226
00:09:26,914 --> 00:09:28,480
but if you don't at least try,
227
00:09:28,524 --> 00:09:30,874
you could be missing out
on something really special.
228
00:09:30,918 --> 00:09:34,965
- You could take it as slow as you want.
- [TEXT MESSAGE WHOOSHES]
229
00:09:35,009 --> 00:09:38,142
I'm sorry. I sent the text.
230
00:09:38,186 --> 00:09:39,622
What Abby said got to me.
231
00:09:39,665 --> 00:09:43,844
- I can't watch you be alone anymore, Dan.
- [LAUGHTER]
232
00:09:43,887 --> 00:09:46,498
Don't worry, it's not like
she's gonna run on over here.
233
00:09:46,542 --> 00:09:50,372
- [CELLPHONE CHIMES]
- Says she'll be here in five minutes.
234
00:09:50,415 --> 00:09:52,026
[LAUGHTER]
235
00:09:54,028 --> 00:09:55,638
Ah! I can't believe this has been
236
00:09:55,682 --> 00:09:57,509
hidden here this whole time.
237
00:09:57,553 --> 00:09:59,076
Why do you think it was boarded up?
238
00:09:59,120 --> 00:10:00,643
Well, my guess is this
is where they used to
239
00:10:00,687 --> 00:10:02,645
prosecute all those witches.
240
00:10:02,689 --> 00:10:04,821
You know, New York City
in the '70s was crazy.
241
00:10:04,865 --> 00:10:08,346
- [CHUCKLES]
- This is perfect.
242
00:10:08,390 --> 00:10:10,131
No one's gonna bother me here.
243
00:10:10,174 --> 00:10:13,656
You know, I have to share an
office with nine other bailiffs.
244
00:10:13,700 --> 00:10:17,399
Sure would be nice to
have a place like this.
245
00:10:17,442 --> 00:10:20,489
Um, seeing as you found it,
246
00:10:20,532 --> 00:10:22,186
I... I... I guess we could share.
247
00:10:22,230 --> 00:10:24,667
- Oh! I could never...
- Right?
248
00:10:24,711 --> 00:10:27,365
... say no to an offer like
that, so absolutely yes!
249
00:10:29,063 --> 00:10:31,413
Good. That's what I wanted,
250
00:10:31,456 --> 00:10:34,068
yeah, and therefore why I asked.
251
00:10:34,111 --> 00:10:35,765
We're gonna be office buddies.
252
00:10:35,809 --> 00:10:37,854
We can finally get to
know each other better.
253
00:10:37,898 --> 00:10:39,726
First thing to know about me...
254
00:10:39,769 --> 00:10:42,554
I love a Crockpot, because you
can just set it and forget it.
255
00:10:42,598 --> 00:10:46,733
- Oh, no! My stew!
- [LAUGHTER]
256
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:50,084
Hey, do you want us to stay?
257
00:10:50,127 --> 00:10:52,695
It might keep things
from being uncomfortable.
258
00:10:52,739 --> 00:10:55,611
It'll just be really, really weird.
259
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:56,917
No, it's okay.
260
00:10:56,960 --> 00:10:59,397
You guys can leave, um...
261
00:10:59,441 --> 00:11:01,617
Sure, it's been 27 years
since I was on a date,
262
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:03,401
but it's just dinner.
263
00:11:03,445 --> 00:11:05,534
One thing hasn't changed...
I am Dan Fielding,
264
00:11:05,577 --> 00:11:08,624
a man renowned for his
charm and grace and...
265
00:11:08,668 --> 00:11:10,191
oh, my God, she's here.
266
00:11:10,234 --> 00:11:11,627
Ohh! She's wearing a scarf.
267
00:11:11,671 --> 00:11:12,976
Oh, you're staying. Get down.
268
00:11:13,020 --> 00:11:16,588
Get down. Get down. You're staying.
269
00:11:16,632 --> 00:11:21,332
- Don't I know you from somewhere?
- Hello, sailor.
270
00:11:22,507 --> 00:11:24,988
Uh, hi. I'm Abby.
271
00:11:25,032 --> 00:11:27,077
- Oh, hello.
- Hi. And this is Neil.
272
00:11:27,121 --> 00:11:28,557
- Hi.
- Hi.
273
00:11:28,600 --> 00:11:29,906
The three of us were
having a group hang,
274
00:11:29,950 --> 00:11:31,734
and Dan had the great idea
275
00:11:31,778 --> 00:11:34,258
to invite the charming
woman he met the other day.
276
00:11:34,302 --> 00:11:36,608
Well, I'm glad she couldn't
make it and you asked me.
277
00:11:36,652 --> 00:11:38,698
No, no, we mean you.
278
00:11:38,741 --> 00:11:41,091
She means you. Why did
you say it like that?
279
00:11:42,789 --> 00:11:45,705
- Why don't you have a seat?
- All right.
280
00:11:45,748 --> 00:11:50,622
- Oh, yes.
- Ah, I love this place.
281
00:11:50,665 --> 00:11:53,669
You know, the minestrone
here is incredible.
282
00:11:53,713 --> 00:11:56,585
- [WHISPERING LOUDLY]
- This one's a keeper.
283
00:11:56,628 --> 00:11:59,196
I've never been a fan of soup.
284
00:11:59,240 --> 00:12:03,679
- It's sort of like hot juice.
- [LAUGHTER]
285
00:12:05,550 --> 00:12:08,031
So, Julianne, where are you from?
286
00:12:08,075 --> 00:12:09,859
Uh, well, I... I grew up
on Staten Island,
287
00:12:09,903 --> 00:12:12,993
but when I was 12, my
parents... Oop! Trivia!
288
00:12:13,036 --> 00:12:16,213
Do you know that New York and
New Jersey had a boat race...
289
00:12:16,257 --> 00:12:17,389
[MIMICS MOTOR]
290
00:12:17,390 --> 00:12:20,783
... to decide who would
incorporate Staten Island?
291
00:12:20,827 --> 00:12:23,743
Really? Huh. You know, I never
heard that.
292
00:12:23,786 --> 00:12:25,788
- You calling me a liar?
- What?
293
00:12:25,832 --> 00:12:28,486
- Ha, ha! This guy!
- Whoa!
294
00:12:28,530 --> 00:12:30,227
Dan, I'm sorry. I'm so clumsy.
295
00:12:30,271 --> 00:12:31,751
Why don't you go to the
bathroom and dry off?
296
00:12:31,794 --> 00:12:33,274
- What the?
- And Neil, go with him.
297
00:12:33,317 --> 00:12:35,102
- Calm him down.
- Okay, but I'm also gonna pee
298
00:12:35,145 --> 00:12:38,105
- while I'm in there.
- Why would you tell me that?
299
00:12:39,933 --> 00:12:41,630
I'm sorry about Dan.
300
00:12:41,673 --> 00:12:44,938
I promise he's usually more
grumpy than he is insane.
301
00:12:44,981 --> 00:12:47,157
He's just nervous because
he really likes you.
302
00:12:47,201 --> 00:12:49,072
He's got nothing to be nervous about.
303
00:12:49,116 --> 00:12:51,118
You know, it's not like I'm
looking for something serious.
304
00:12:51,161 --> 00:12:52,902
I just want to have a little fun.
305
00:12:52,946 --> 00:12:56,950
Ah, fun. Fun like someone
to go bowling with?
306
00:12:56,993 --> 00:13:00,649
- No, like a fling.
- Right, a fling.
307
00:13:00,692 --> 00:13:02,825
Like an emotional
fling where you support
308
00:13:02,869 --> 00:13:05,480
the other's inner life and
embrace each other spiritually?
309
00:13:05,523 --> 00:13:10,224
- Like sex, Abby. I'm talking about sex.
- Sex like...
310
00:13:10,267 --> 00:13:13,183
Nope, no way to intentionally
misinterpret that.
311
00:13:13,227 --> 00:13:15,882
Sex it is!
312
00:13:18,623 --> 00:13:19,842
- Oh.
- Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan.
313
00:13:19,886 --> 00:13:21,539
Oh, yes, I know, it's going terribly,
314
00:13:21,583 --> 00:13:23,846
but you didn't have to send
Neil to the bathroom with me.
315
00:13:23,890 --> 00:13:27,894
He's still in there moving the
part in his hair back and forth.
316
00:13:27,937 --> 00:13:29,460
I gotta tell you
something about Julianne.
317
00:13:29,504 --> 00:13:31,854
Don't bother. You know what?
I'm going home.
318
00:13:31,898 --> 00:13:34,944
I was clearly not ready
for a date with a person.
319
00:13:34,988 --> 00:13:37,120
Calling it a night is
probably a good idea.
320
00:13:37,164 --> 00:13:38,774
Julianne doesn't want to go slow.
321
00:13:38,818 --> 00:13:40,558
She wants to go fast. Sex fast.
322
00:13:40,602 --> 00:13:41,864
Let's just get out of here.
323
00:13:41,908 --> 00:13:43,257
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on there.
324
00:13:43,300 --> 00:13:46,173
Just give me a minute to process this.
325
00:13:46,216 --> 00:13:47,478
What is there to process?
326
00:13:47,522 --> 00:13:49,089
I don't think you're ready for this.
327
00:13:49,132 --> 00:13:51,265
What are you gonna do... go
home, turn down the lights,
328
00:13:51,308 --> 00:13:54,529
light some candles, and
yell boat facts at her?
329
00:13:54,572 --> 00:13:56,400
I... I don't think I've
ever told a woman
330
00:13:56,444 --> 00:13:57,793
I don't want to have sex.
331
00:13:57,837 --> 00:13:59,490
I don't even know how that would sound.
332
00:13:59,534 --> 00:14:01,101
Hi, my name is Dan. I
don't want to see you naked.
333
00:14:01,144 --> 00:14:03,581
Ooh, that sounds wrong.
334
00:14:04,147 --> 00:14:06,236
Before you jump into
anything, just take a minute.
335
00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:08,021
Consider if an empty, meaningless fling
336
00:14:08,064 --> 00:14:11,415
is really what you want.
337
00:14:11,459 --> 00:14:12,939
You're right.
338
00:14:12,982 --> 00:14:14,244
Do you want to get out of here?
339
00:14:14,288 --> 00:14:17,465
- Absolutely. Let me get my things.
- [LAUGHTER]
340
00:14:18,118 --> 00:14:20,772
Oh, we're gonna have
so much fun in here.
341
00:14:20,816 --> 00:14:22,383
Okay, check it out...
342
00:14:22,426 --> 00:14:26,343
it's my Hot Mug Shot Guy
of the Month calendar.
343
00:14:26,387 --> 00:14:30,130
Who are you more excited
for, Cinco de Marco,
344
00:14:30,173 --> 00:14:33,046
or [CHUCKLES]
345
00:14:33,089 --> 00:14:36,614
Eight Nights of Shawnukkah?
346
00:14:36,658 --> 00:14:38,790
Gurgs, some of those
guys are legit murderers.
347
00:14:38,834 --> 00:14:40,749
Well, I'm not picturing
myself on a beach in Aruba
348
00:14:40,792 --> 00:14:43,795
with their rap sheets.
349
00:14:43,839 --> 00:14:45,885
Besides, it's got all our
important dates on it...
350
00:14:45,928 --> 00:14:48,278
our birthdays, our officeiversary,
351
00:14:48,322 --> 00:14:49,714
which is today,
352
00:14:49,758 --> 00:14:53,109
our holiday [WHISPERS] Christmas party.
353
00:14:53,153 --> 00:14:54,545
How about we just, you know,
354
00:14:54,589 --> 00:14:56,373
hold off on the calendar talk for now
355
00:14:56,417 --> 00:14:58,767
and maybe focus on
getting a little work done?
356
00:14:58,810 --> 00:15:00,421
We couldn't be more on the same page.
357
00:15:00,464 --> 00:15:02,031
I'm all about work, too.
358
00:15:02,075 --> 00:15:04,686
Actually, can I get your
opinion on something?
359
00:15:04,729 --> 00:15:06,949
Imagine you're in the courtroom,
360
00:15:06,993 --> 00:15:08,690
people are milling about,
361
00:15:08,733 --> 00:15:11,432
and then I hit you with, "All rise!"
362
00:15:12,824 --> 00:15:14,522
It's too much bass?
363
00:15:14,565 --> 00:15:17,003
Would you prefer something more of a,
364
00:15:17,046 --> 00:15:21,007
- [SENSUOUSLY] "All rise"?
- [LAUGHTER]
365
00:15:22,225 --> 00:15:25,098
Well, I'm very sorry that
we had to stop at the bodega
366
00:15:25,141 --> 00:15:26,751
for the wine, but,
you know, I understand
367
00:15:26,795 --> 00:15:29,972
that this vintage of...
Kangaroo Fields Table Red
368
00:15:30,016 --> 00:15:32,975
is a very good year.
369
00:15:33,019 --> 00:15:35,978
[CHUCKLES] Oh, I'm not
here for the wine, Dan.
370
00:15:36,022 --> 00:15:39,764
Oh, well, uhhhhh, how 'bout a snack?
371
00:15:39,808 --> 00:15:42,680
You know, I bet that wine
would pair well with a...
372
00:15:42,724 --> 00:15:46,119
a Cheeto, uh, or Frito, of Dorito,
373
00:15:46,162 --> 00:15:48,773
any of the 'to snacks. Tostito!
374
00:15:48,817 --> 00:15:53,213
- Ah, that has "to" on both ends.
- [LAUGHTER]
375
00:15:53,256 --> 00:15:57,652
- Uh, uh, do you like rain sticks?
- [RAIN STICK RATTLING]
376
00:15:58,696 --> 00:16:02,265
- [LAUGHTER]
- How 'bout we move to a different room
377
00:16:02,309 --> 00:16:03,701
with a different stick?
378
00:16:03,745 --> 00:16:06,878
Well, um, oh, you know, I got this
379
00:16:06,922 --> 00:16:09,011
with my late wife, um, Sarah.
380
00:16:09,055 --> 00:16:10,230
It was on our first trip together.
381
00:16:10,273 --> 00:16:11,709
She wanted to, uh...
382
00:16:11,753 --> 00:16:14,190
She wanted to go
zip-lining in Costa Rica,
383
00:16:14,234 --> 00:16:16,540
but I didn't want to go to Costa Rica.
384
00:16:16,584 --> 00:16:17,628
I mean, I didn't want to go anywhere
385
00:16:17,672 --> 00:16:19,413
where I had to get a vaccination
386
00:16:19,456 --> 00:16:22,242
for something called Turtle Fever.
387
00:16:22,285 --> 00:16:25,201
But I wanted to make her happy.
388
00:16:25,245 --> 00:16:27,987
Before Sarah, I
couldn't... couldn't imagine
389
00:16:28,030 --> 00:16:30,467
putting anyone's needs ahead of mine,
390
00:16:30,511 --> 00:16:32,948
but she changed me.
391
00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:35,646
I mean, uh, the old me would
have been very much into this,
392
00:16:35,690 --> 00:16:38,345
but, uh, I'm a different man now.
393
00:16:38,388 --> 00:16:39,607
I realize there's more to life...
394
00:16:39,650 --> 00:16:41,826
Oh, my God!
395
00:16:41,870 --> 00:16:44,003
Please stop talking.
396
00:16:45,787 --> 00:16:47,832
Oh, you really know how to take the fun
397
00:16:47,876 --> 00:16:50,226
out of a revenge plot.
398
00:16:50,270 --> 00:16:52,924
I'm sorry, wait, wait. Revenge plot?
399
00:16:52,968 --> 00:16:55,884
Of course, you don't remember me.
400
00:16:55,927 --> 00:16:57,755
You had the judge throw the book at me
401
00:16:57,799 --> 00:17:02,325
for a little thing like setting
my ex-boyfriend's house on fire.
402
00:17:02,369 --> 00:17:03,674
Sorry, wait a minute.
403
00:17:03,718 --> 00:17:04,980
This whole thing was
just to get back at me
404
00:17:05,023 --> 00:17:06,763
for a case that happened 30 years ago?
405
00:17:06,808 --> 00:17:09,463
That's right. Now, I
have a whole revenge list.
406
00:17:09,506 --> 00:17:11,334
You're between my ex-mother-in-law
407
00:17:11,377 --> 00:17:13,162
and Boost Mobile.
408
00:17:15,121 --> 00:17:16,773
You know, I thought I'd never find you.
409
00:17:16,818 --> 00:17:19,907
But then I saw your name
when I was back in court...
410
00:17:19,951 --> 00:17:22,824
uh, different boyfriend, different fire.
411
00:17:22,867 --> 00:17:24,913
Sure. If it ain't broke...
412
00:17:24,955 --> 00:17:26,567
I was gonna steal your identity
413
00:17:26,609 --> 00:17:28,656
and leave you a shell of a man,
414
00:17:28,699 --> 00:17:30,962
but you can't burn a house down twice.
415
00:17:31,006 --> 00:17:34,140
Believe me, I've tried.
416
00:17:34,183 --> 00:17:35,663
Here's your wallet.
417
00:17:35,706 --> 00:17:38,622
And, uh, some advice...
418
00:17:38,666 --> 00:17:41,669
use that money for a shrink
or a pint of ice cream
419
00:17:41,712 --> 00:17:44,367
or something, because youneed help.
420
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:48,850
And that's coming from
someone who has been diagnosed
421
00:17:48,893 --> 00:17:53,028
as criminally insane.
[LAUGHS AND SNORTS]
422
00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:54,769
[LAUGHTER]
423
00:17:56,597 --> 00:17:58,599
This isn't my wallet.
424
00:18:04,866 --> 00:18:08,043
Gurgs, close the tarp. We need to talk.
425
00:18:08,087 --> 00:18:10,219
Oh, no. Are you moving out?
426
00:18:10,263 --> 00:18:14,136
Yeah, I realize I'm not
really the office-sharing type.
427
00:18:14,180 --> 00:18:15,833
You can have this place.
428
00:18:15,877 --> 00:18:18,140
I'm gonna head down to the
solitary-confinement cell.
429
00:18:18,184 --> 00:18:21,056
Could probably get a lot of work
done before the madness sets in.
430
00:18:22,318 --> 00:18:24,364
No, you don't have to do
that. This is my fault.
431
00:18:24,407 --> 00:18:26,801
I came on too strong. I
should be the one to go.
432
00:18:26,844 --> 00:18:28,846
Yeah, it's not you. It's me, really.
433
00:18:28,890 --> 00:18:31,893
I'm just uncomfortable around people.
434
00:18:31,936 --> 00:18:33,851
Makes it hard to get to know you.
435
00:18:33,895 --> 00:18:35,288
Why would you want to get to know me?
436
00:18:35,331 --> 00:18:37,116
'Cause I like you.
437
00:18:37,159 --> 00:18:39,814
I thought this office would
be a chance to bring us closer.
438
00:18:39,857 --> 00:18:41,424
But nothing was working.
439
00:18:41,468 --> 00:18:43,513
I got in my head, and
my heart was pounding.
440
00:18:43,557 --> 00:18:45,080
And your mouth was doing things
441
00:18:45,124 --> 00:18:46,199
even though your brain
kept yelling, "Stop!"
442
00:18:46,212 --> 00:18:48,039
Yes! I thought I was gonna die.
443
00:18:48,083 --> 00:18:49,998
That's how I feel around
everyone all of the time!
444
00:18:50,041 --> 00:18:51,739
Oh! We're bonding.
445
00:18:51,782 --> 00:18:54,176
Are we work wives now?
446
00:18:54,220 --> 00:18:58,267
Look at us, like two weird
ingredients in the perfect stew.
447
00:18:58,311 --> 00:18:59,703
Oh, no! My other stew!
448
00:18:59,747 --> 00:19:01,836
No, no, no, it's okay.
449
00:19:01,879 --> 00:19:03,490
I turned it off for you.
450
00:19:05,709 --> 00:19:07,624
[LAUGHTER]
451
00:19:09,235 --> 00:19:11,062
So what do you say?
452
00:19:11,106 --> 00:19:12,412
Give this another chance?
453
00:19:12,455 --> 00:19:14,196
On one condition.
454
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:16,242
You explain to me
what Nakatomi Plaza is.
455
00:19:16,285 --> 00:19:19,201
[GASPS] I thought you'd never ask.
456
00:19:19,245 --> 00:19:22,030
When last we left our young Die Hard,
457
00:19:22,073 --> 00:19:25,120
- he was on a plane.
- [LAUGHTER]
458
00:19:27,078 --> 00:19:29,211
How'd it go? Nope, not gonna ask.
459
00:19:29,255 --> 00:19:30,604
It's not my business
so I don't wanna know...
460
00:19:30,647 --> 00:19:32,083
Nothing happened.
461
00:19:32,127 --> 00:19:34,477
Thank you so much. It was killing me.
462
00:19:34,521 --> 00:19:36,392
Well, nothing in the
way that you're thinking,
463
00:19:36,436 --> 00:19:40,004
but very much in the way
that I had a minor breakdown
464
00:19:40,048 --> 00:19:41,528
and he tried to rob me.
465
00:19:41,571 --> 00:19:46,141
But I foiled her devious
plan by being too sad.
466
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:48,535
So, you gonna call her again?
467
00:19:49,840 --> 00:19:52,103
I'm sorry I got so involved.
468
00:19:52,147 --> 00:19:54,541
It's possible I may have
been living through you
469
00:19:54,584 --> 00:19:57,108
since my entire life is upstate...
470
00:19:57,152 --> 00:20:00,416
my friends, my fiancé, my cow.
471
00:20:01,635 --> 00:20:04,333
I know you paused after
cow wanting me to ask,
472
00:20:04,377 --> 00:20:06,814
but I never will.
473
00:20:06,857 --> 00:20:08,424
That's too bad. She's got a rough hide
474
00:20:08,468 --> 00:20:11,775
and a tender heart, just like you.
475
00:20:11,819 --> 00:20:14,256
I just wanted you to find somebody.
476
00:20:14,300 --> 00:20:16,954
Being alone seems kinda hard.
477
00:20:16,998 --> 00:20:18,826
Sometimes.
478
00:20:18,869 --> 00:20:21,307
But you know what made it easier
479
00:20:21,350 --> 00:20:24,962
when she turned out to be a sociopath?
480
00:20:25,006 --> 00:20:26,790
Knowing that if I ever do want to talk,
481
00:20:26,834 --> 00:20:28,314
and I'm not saying that I ever will,
482
00:20:28,357 --> 00:20:31,404
but if I ever did, I
could imagine a possible,
483
00:20:31,447 --> 00:20:34,276
though veryunlikely scenario,
484
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:38,585
where I might choose to talk... to you.
485
00:20:39,586 --> 00:20:43,067
- Mm-hmm.
- You may react.
486
00:20:43,111 --> 00:20:44,982
- Eee!
- Oh, don't.
487
00:20:46,810 --> 00:20:48,638
Oh! I can't wait to dig in.
488
00:20:48,682 --> 00:20:50,205
Okay, first up... childhood.
489
00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:52,425
Who's love did you crave,
your mom's or your dad's?
490
00:20:52,468 --> 00:20:57,081
To be clear, this is
happening notime soon.
491
00:20:57,125 --> 00:20:59,345
- I'm getting dad.
- He was a very complicated ma...
492
00:20:59,388 --> 00:21:02,609
No! For right now,
we are just two people
493
00:21:02,652 --> 00:21:07,004
who get to hate all of the
un-lonely people around us.
494
00:21:07,048 --> 00:21:10,834
Yeah, like those two. Jerks.
495
00:21:10,878 --> 00:21:12,923
So annoying.
496
00:21:12,967 --> 00:21:15,752
- Being all happy.
- Yuck.
497
00:21:15,796 --> 00:21:17,798
It made you feel bad
saying that, didn't it?
498
00:21:17,841 --> 00:21:21,497
- Yeah, but I want us to have a thing.
- Ah.
499
00:21:22,198 --> 00:21:27,198
- Synced and corrected by actumaxime -
- www.addic7ed.com -
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