Original subtitles

♪ Who's the improbable duo That you heard about?

♪ Faster than a scooter Stronger than metal

♪ Who's the little girl And her domesticated rodent?

♪ Who's still standing When you see the dust settle?

♪ It's Hamster Hamster, Hamster

♪ Hamster and Gretel

♪ If they can't do it Then nobody can

♪ Hamster, Hamster, Hamster

♪ Hamster and Gretel

♪ There's also Kevin In the minivan ♪

ANNOUNCER: This is an Action News special report.

This is Veronica Hill, on the scene at the city docks

where Muddy Bess, historic riverboat

and the venue for my 13th birthday, has just been stolen.

The brazen boat-napping follows a string of disappearing landmarks,

including our beloved Tallington Tower, the Statue of Finerty,

and the state's second-largest bag of coffee.

The only evidence we have is this police sketch

of a man in a very badly designed mask.

A-ha! Tchotchke Jones strikes again.

The Muddy Bess is mine.

And with my shrink-o-bottle ray,

I'll put the whole city under glass.

And nobody will ever suspect a mild-mannered shopkeeper.

(BELL CHIMES) (TCHOTCHKE GASPS)

Hamster and Gretel!

Oh, sorry. Didn't mean to scare you, sir.

No, it's okay.

I meant to say, Hamster and Gretel,

what brings you to my law-abiding store?

(BELL CHIMES) Gretel, I said, "Don't run in without me."

It's okay, Kevin. The only person in here

is this mild-mannered shopkeeper, Mister...

Tchotchke. Tchotchke Jones, owner of Tchotchke's Tchotchkes.

(HAMSTER MUNCHING) Are you eating in my shop?

Uh...

(CRUNCHING) No.

Well, the GPS must be busted.

There's no way that a boat could fit in this store.

Hey, did you see anyone, (LAUGHS) I don't know,

dragging an enormous historical riverboat down the street?

Uh, no, no. Can't say that I did.

Or maybe you just saw a guy in a really awful-looking mask.

Doesn't ring a bell.

The mask is pretty tacky, so it's hard to miss.

(TENSELY) Seems like a matter of personal taste.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) But the answer is still no.

Personal taste aside, the mask is badly designed.

I have not seen anyone like that!

I am just a simple collector of impossible bottles.

You know, impossible things in a bottle.

Ship in a bottle, deck of cards in a bottle, seltzer in a bottle.

Ooh, wait. That's part of my lunch.

Well, if you see any...

Ooh!

Sorry! Oh, I'm so sorry.

Would, um, $4 and a stale cheese puff cover it?

How about an autograph?

Wait. Gretel, look.

Whoa!

The villain must have sold the mask to the shopkeeper.

No, Gretel, it means...

The villain is the shopkeeper.

Never mind, I figured it out.

Wait, this is the Muddy Bess.

Hey, we found it.

That ray must be able to shrink things and put them in bottles.

(SIGHS) This town, man.

Come on, Hamster. Let's smash our way out of here.

(BOTH GRUNTING) (GENTLE TAP)

What's going on?

The ray must have tiny-fied your powers too.

(LAUGHS CUNNINGLY) It looks like the Muddy Bess has a new crew.

(SCREAMING) Let us out of here!

I'm sorry. What's that?

I can't hear you.

With Hamster, Gretel and that random teenage boy out of the way,

there's nobody to stop me from shrinking every landmark in the world.

Ah, what's this?

Oh, I stop paying attention for a moment,

and the place becomes a pigsty.

Well, I'll just keep this here.

(BELL CHIMES)

Welcome to Tchotchke's Tchotchkes.

Can I help you find anything?

I'm just here looking for my...

Whoa, look at all these impossible bottles.

Ah! A fellow enthusiast.

Yes, I am a huge fan of tiny things in glass.

Would you like a tour?

Would I? I mean...

(CLEARS THROAT) Yeah.

Sure, like, whatever.

GRETEL: Look, it's Fred. No, no I had

no idea. ALL: (SCREAMING) Fred!

GRETEL: (FAINTLY) Here, we're in the bottle. HAMSTER: Fred, Fred!

Ugh, she can't hear us.

Plus, we all know she has a weakness

for tiny things in glass bottles.

She does? Eh, she doesn't advertise it.

And, of course, I can't call her.

Teeny-weeny phone means teeny-weeny signal.

Please stop saying "teeny-weeny."

We've got to get her attention, somehow.

All we have is this 19th century steam-powered riverboat.

Wait, that's it.

It's a steam engine.

If we get it going, we can fog up the bottle and write something to Fred.

A message in a bottle.

Fire up those engines!

Ahoy, mateys!

What? I can be nautical.

♪ Well, stoke that furnace and shovel that coal

♪ Just work your backs and bones

♪ Need to make our situation known

♪ Just work your backs and bones

♪ We've been shrunk down to the size of ants

♪ But if we're gonna stand half a chance

♪ We either get this engine rolling

♪ Or go down with Davy Jones

♪ Well, the ship is small but the crew is smaller

♪ No one can hear us when we holler

♪ And the glass is way too thick for us

♪ To break through with just a punch

♪ If we fill this bottle up with steam

♪ We can write a note that could be seen

♪ But I'm getting hungry and feeling mean

♪ So I think we'll break for lunch

♪ I think we'll break for lunch ♪

(SHIP HORN BLOWING)

And that's pretty much all the bottles.

What about these over here?

Oh, not for sale.

Wow, this replica of Tallington Tower is so realistic.

Didn't the actual tower disappear mysteriously about a month ago?

I had no idea.

I'm so busy working on my models like that one,

which I definitely made myself.

Wow, you really nailed every single detail.

Well, I'm a stickler.

If I didn't know any better,

I'd say you shrunk the real thing

and put it in this bottle somehow.

Which begs the question...

How much are you charging for this gorgeous masterpiece?

Once again, not for sale.

But you really know your stuff.

Yeah, I'm a stuff-knower.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING) Oh, very funny.

It's fogged up! Quick! Fred's coming this way.

FRED: Hey, weird. That bottle is fogging up.

Oh, yes. It's bottled fog.

Also not for sale.

(GLASS SQUEAKING)

Ta-da!

Wait a second, there's a message.

Bert Zugleh.

Uh, it's Latin for "nothing to see here."

I think it means something else.

Oh, you do, do you?

I think it means

that you are one talented bottle-maker.

How did you get the fog to spell?

(LAUGHS) Oh, if I told you, I'd have to put you in one of these bottles.

(SARCASTICALLY) Oh, no, please don't.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(LAUGHING) Oh, very funny.

Okay, we may have written it backwards,

but how could she miss that?

We're never getting out of here.

We're doomed!

Wait, is it raining in here?

Oh, no, between the steam and the air currents from your flying,

we created a storm.

All right, let's not get dramatic.

(THUNDER RUMBLING) What did I just say?

(STEAM HISSING)

(STRAINING)

Wait. Kevin, if we make the storm even stronger,

maybe that cork pops off and we can get out.

Wait, your plan is to make a hurricane in the bottle

in which we're currently trapped?

Yup.

All right. What do we got to lose? Let's try it.

Or, we accept our fate and start new lives

as a barbershop quartet on this riverboat.

What do we think? Going once, going twice.

There's only three of us.

Okay, let's just make the stupid hurricane.

(GRUNTS)

Well, would you look at that? (ALARM RINGS)

It's two in the afternoon. (GLASS SHATTERS)

Time to close.

It's been a pleasure to have you.

(GASPS) That mask...

is so cool.

Really? You think so?

Yeah. I mean, it makes a statement.

Says, "I don't want you to look at my face, but look at my face."

That's exactly what I thought when I designed it.

We really do think alike.

Yeah, guess so.

Catch you later, Tchotchke.

(BELL CHIMING)

That was close.

Come to think of it, I will be getting a tchotchke today.

You, Tchotchke. I got you.

(GASPS) What do you mean?

I know that my friends are here

and that you're the one who took the Muddy Bess.

What? How?

FRED: When I came in, I noticed a half-eaten bag of walnuts in the trash can.

And not just any walnuts.

Rodents' Choice walnuts.

That's what gave me up?

That wasn't all.

The Tallington Tower.

Or rather, what was on the outside of the bottle.

Fingerprints.

It was possible they were yours,

but I ruled that out because you wear gloves

to handle your own merchandise.

And these prints were fresh.

So you were just toying with me

when you said you liked these bottles?

I don't like them, Tchotchke,

I love them.

And that's why I was so disappointed when I saw the last clue.

Well, obviously, you're talking about the mask.

No, the pen.

Oh, come on.

FRED: That's a Mansonite autographing pen with a titanium body.

TCHOTCHKE: So what? Lots of people have titanium pens.

FRED: True, but nobody has teeth strong enough to leave chew marks in one.

Except for someone incredibly strong.

Like a superhero.

And if I know the superhero in question,

there is no way she would leave this pen behind.

It was a birthday gift from her favorite cousin.

So you figured me out?

Yes, I shrank the hamster and the girl and that random teenage boy.

But you made one mistake, my dear.

You didn't leave when you had the chance.

TCHOTCHKE: Oh!

And you brought a ray gun to a mirror fight.

Now, to find my friends, who I'm sure calmly waited for help to arrive.

(KEVIN SCREAMING)

Tell Hiromi I love her.

On second thought, I know it's a little early,

so just tell her that I'm interested in dating her.

Is it working?

Yeah, if you call "plummeting to our doom" working.

Hamster, we gotta get that cork off.

Hang on, Kevin.

(GRUNTING)

Well, if it isn't my favorite tiny people.

(GLASS SQUEAKING) (STEAM HISSING)

Fred, we finally got your attention.

Actually, I saw you guys, like, five minutes ago.

I was just milking it for suspense.

Either way, everything worked out just fine.

Except for the fact that we're still the size of a thimble.

And there's no way...

It had a reverse button.

Awesome. That means we can put all the landmarks back.

Yeah, can we start after lunch?

Hey, I got some walnuts.

(SIGHS) You got those out of the trash.

Brilliant deduction, Sherlock.

TCHOTCHKE: Hey, you guys are coming back, right?

Hello? (BELL CHIMES)

Hey, could you guys shrink me a panini?

No cheese. (DOOR CLOSES)

Hello?

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