All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S21E13.1080p.WEB.H264-CAKES

Meg, the boys need the room.

'Kay, one sec...

Crap!

Gene, they're coming.

They're coming fast, Gene.

Start recording, Gene. Gene!

Chris, your mother
and I divided all our stuff

after a recent argument,

and I came across
something very special:

the Nintendo NES.

This is a day I've been
waiting for for 30 years,

and now, I get to
share it with my son.

Get ready for the greatest
video game of all time,

Donkey Kong.

- This game sucks.
- What are you talking about?

Uh, what universe does
this even take place in?

Everything needs to
take place in a universe.

It's a warehouse with ladders
where a monkey took a girl.

What about the
micro-transactions

that slowly bankrupt our family?

Or the children slinging racist
taunts into your earpiece?

It has two buttons, and I have
to look down when I press them.

Donkey Kong sucks.

I could build the same
game on our house.

Donkey Kong house?

Sorry I put you
in a dress, Stewie.

- We needed a damsel.
- Hey, do I look upset?

What do we got today?

Looks like a Donkey Kong house.

What a mess.

- Want a beer?
- Yes, sir.

- Is that a YETI?
- It is.

You mind if I talk
about it for 45 minutes?

Oh, I know I can't stop you.

Barrel.

Barrel. Barrel.

What is all this noise?

I'm trying to buy everything
on Amazon in here.

Barrel.

Ah! My foot. Oh,
I think it's broken.

Uh-oh. Next level.

The doctor said I'm
gonna be laid up for a week,

so you'll have to
take care of the kids,

but that'll give you
some quality time

with them, huh? Are you excited?

No, and you know that.

Are you brushing
with a grill brush?

I left my toothbrush at
a hotel three years ago.

Look, now, don't
worry, it's just a week,

and taking care of
kids is not that hard.

The Facebook
status of every girl

I went to high school
with would disagree.

Plus, you know I'm not very
good at taking care of things.

Remember, I even lost
custody of our orchid.

Please, you can't take my baby.

- How often did you water her?
- Every day.

- Every day?
- I thought water was good.

Not that much. What about sun?

I put it in the front window.

A western-facing window?

That's direct, afternoon
sunlight, you... monster!

It's not worth it, O'Malley.

Why do these guys get to
have one while me and Molly...

Hey, it's gonna
happen for you and Molly, I know it.

Stress doesn't help.

Why don't you guys
come over tonight?

We'll hang out on the patio.

Yeah, okay. That sounds nice.

Want me to bring anything?

How about the
food and the drinks?

That feels like
everything, but okay.

Breakfast?

You're supposed
to make breakfast.

Oh, right.

Maybe we should go out for food.

Having a little
trouble this morning?

No, no, I'm doing great.

Look, I already got
Stewie and Brian changed.

Ow.

Okay, maybe I'm having a
little trouble, but I'm a dad.

The only thing I know
how to use is a Shop-Vac.

I already made
myself some toast,

so I don't need your help.

Dads need to eat first.

Get out.

There's a grenade in here.

Use it to get a better lunch.

I got a sandwich in mine.

You got the wrong bag.

Finally.

Aw, crap, three kids.

I don't know what I'm
supposed to bring in.

You're doing a great job, Dad.

- So cute.
- #DanceLikeADad.

I'm waving to
someone behind you.

Wow, everybody's being so nice.

Hey, we normally
order at the counter,

but it looks like you've
got your hands full today.

What can I get you?

Can you stuff a
blueberry muffin into a cup

and pour coffee all over it?

Normally, no, but I can't say
"no" to a super dad like you.

Where's this little guy's
mom? Is she coming in, too?

No, she's not with us.

Oh, my, she's
dead? I'm so sorry.

- Oh, actually...
- Is there anything else I can bring you?

We make a great
homemade banana cream pie.

It's on the house.

Uh... yeah.

My wife is dead.

I'll have that pie.

I'll bring it right away.

- Is everything okay?
- Uh...

I'll never forget
her last words,

"Get free extra whipped
cream on your Frappuccino."

It already comes with
a lot of whipped cream.

She was very
specific about more.

There he is.

How's the week
going as the solo dad?

And how is Lois' foot?

I'm not rooting for
her to lose it, but...

Are you guys about
to talk about your kids?

You said I can look at my phone
when you talk about your kids.

This is the closest I've
ever been to Mr. Quagmire.

He's wearing makeup.

You know, I thought this
week was gonna suck,

but everywhere I go people
are super helpful and nice.

That's because
you're a dad alone.

That's the closest thing
people get to seeing a hero.

It's right after wounded veteran

or ugly person who sings well.

Totally. A mom alone
with her kids is a mess,

but when a woman sees a
dad doing the same thing,

total panty dropper.

Ew, Joe.

I've also been lying
about Lois being dead

to get free things.

- Thoughts?
- What kind of free things?

Pie, mostly.

- Good pie?
- Homemade.

That's better than regular-made.

Bonnie lies about me being
dead all the time. You're fine.

Just as long as you share
that pie with Kirby here.

- Right, little guy?
- Who's Kirby?

- Your son. Kirby.
- His name is Stewie.

Huh. Looks like a Kirby.

No one looks like a Kirby.

You'll see. I've never
been wrong about a Kirby.

Peter? Can you come up here?

Need something, Lois?

Oh, well, I just need
the Apple TV remote.

Well, I am great at fetch.

Just the remote, please.

Whoa. Did you feel that?

This isn't gonna
turn into an English Patient

- type of thing, is it?
- What does that mean?

You know, caregiver and patient.

A strong bond
develops. Intimacy.

Oh, maybe.

Our fingers did touch when
you handed me that remote.

- I know.
- You know, I've been in this bed for a long time.

I... I sure could
use a sponge bath.

Oh, word?

Why don't you start
down by my cast?

Oh, God, your leg
is covered in hair.

That's right. I can't
shave down there

'cause the cast will get wet.

- Look at it. Smell it.
- No.

Take a deep breath and smell it.

Ah! What is that?

Four days of sweat
and a dinner fork

that got stuck when
I scratched my ankle.

Please, let me go.

This English Patient
enough for you?

I don't know, I never saw it.

Every door you walk
through isn't a scenario

you've typed into the
search bar of Pornhub.

This is real life,
and it stinks.

- Please, let me go.
- Now, you listen to me.

Every 90 minutes, I'm
gonna ring this bell...

and you're gonna come in
and take out a bowl of my waste.

If that's us forming
a strong bond,

then you and I are gonna form
a very strong bond. Now, go.

Oh, buddy, this
smells like a big one.

You've been feeding me
nothing but Chick-fil-A, so, yeah.

- A dad's changing a diaper.
- A dad changing a diaper?

No biting, Aidan.

- Hi.
- Uh-oh.

Do you own a gray Honda Accord?

- No.
- Okay, good.

Good.

My name's Becky,
and this is my son, T.J.

You're the single
dad, whose wife is...

Two feet under, yes. The
shallow graves were cheaper.

I was wondering if you wanted
our kids to have a playdate.

I know how hard it can
be being a single parent.

I can make some lunch,
fire up the bounce house...

We'll do it, we'll do it.

Those two seem to
be getting along well.

Yeah. So, how long
have you had a pet cloud?

That's... a skylight.

Does it bite?

Do you want a beer? I
can make some snacks,

maybe pull out the
popcorn machine for the kids.

Or we don't tell them,

and we keep all the
popcorn for ourselves.

You're fantastic.

I'm... I'm-I'm
serious, though.

Hey, cheers.

I'm glad we did this.

Having to entertain a
kid all day is exhausting.

How long have you
been doing it alone?

- Ah, feels like forever.
- Yeah, I know.

Doesn't get any easier.

I thought that after my
late husband, Scott...

Huh?

Hey, Mom, can I
show Stewie my room?

- Sure.
- Yes! Come on, Stewie.

Door open, bud.

Dad.

You know, we could
make this a regular thing.

It'll take the pressure off
us having to entertain them.

Yeah, I'd like that a lot. Oh,
no, your pet cloud got out.

That's a-a window.

So... so it'll come back?

Go away.

Stop it. Damn it.

Need help, Mom?

Can you get rid of this fly?

There's a swatter in the
top drawer of the dresser.

Okay, that drawer
is full of sex toys.

Oh. Well, we must've
moved the fly swatter.

Uh, try the middle drawer.

Is this a bit?
Because that drawer

is also filled to the
brim with sex toys.

Sorry. Look in
the bottom drawer.

Wrong again.

These last few days have
been really fun for me and T.J.

I really like you, Peter.

It's rare that you can
relate to someone

on a deeper level like we can.

I know. Can I tell
you something?

I know this is crazy, and
I-I don't use this word lightly,

but I love the way
you cut sandwiches.

Perfect triangles.
You're amazing.

You're amazing, too.

You've got a childish
wonder about you,

just like my late husband Scott,

- who used...
- Huh?

So, should we go
back to my place?

Keep the playdate going?

Maybe take out the
popcorn machine?

Let me touch all the buttons.

You can pour in the kernels.

- You think I'm ready?
- No,

but I'll make sure
you don't spill.

I wonder what Scott
would think of this.

Give her a
break. She was acquitted.

And then she kissed me.

I don't know what to do.

I guess lying about having
a dead wife to eat popcorn

wasn't the best idea.

That's a nice story, Peter.

Did anyone else break
any sacraments this week?

Well, there's two things
you can do from here:

break it off or go full scumbag.

If you're interested in going
scumbag, I sell a starter kit.

It includes a second
phone, fake addresses,

and some golf shirts.

- I don't golf.
- Nobody does.

Golf was invented purely

so husbands can
cheat on their wives.

A six-hour game in a
completely different town

where you need special
shirts? I-I don't think so.

I was only hanging out with
Becky to help with Stewie.

She clearly saw it
as something else.

I got to break it off
before Lois finds out.

You need to break it off 'cause

it's the right thing to do.

When did you get glasses?

You like them?
They're Kirby Parkers.

"Becky, please accept this GIF

"of Forrest Gump waving
on a boat as goodbye.

"You are a great person,

"but things are
moving a little too fast.

"Almost as fast as this
GIF of Forrest Gump

running out of his driveway."

- Surprise.
- Becky? What are you doing here?

I wanted to come over
and make you dinner.

It's probably been a
while since you've had

a nice, home-cooked meal.

You don't have to do this.

- Hey, Mom Two is here.
- Hey, Stewie.

What's going on? Who's this?

You didn't tell
me you had a dog.

He's very close
to being put down.

I didn't want you
to get attached.

Aw, but he's so cute.

Oh, I don't care who
she is. She can stay.

I'll be right back.

Hello, dear.

I heard the
doorbell, who was it?

Delivery guy. We ordered dinner.

- Oh, where did you order from?
- That place you hate.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Well, maybe I'll just come
downstairs and join you anyway.

You know, it's
been about a week,

and I'm starting to feel better.

Uh, no, no, no. Trust me,

you-you-you don't
want to go downstairs.

Uh, Brian is talking about
the Electoral College.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

I'll just eat dinner up here.

Excusez moi.

Hi, I have your boner and
butt pills from Gladiator.

That's supposed to be discreet.

Hey, Dad. Where's Mom?

Upstairs... Uh,
the big upstairs.

- That's what we call heaven.
- Mm. I get it.

I tell T.J. that my
late husband Scott's...

Huh?

Mom's calling.

I-I told them every
time a bell rings,

that's their mom saying hello.

- Help.
- Help, help. Saying-saying help.

She-she died very
painfully. Pardonnez moi.

You forgot your box
of boner and butt pills.

It's discreet.

Mur-der the carpet.

Hello.

I... What are you doing?

Can you help me down the stairs?

Uh, th-the doctor said
to stay in bed a week.

You know, I just need
to get out of this room.

My back is killing me.

Lois,

if you stay up here
for the rest of the night,

I will use the marital
tongue on you.

Okay, but this time,
I get to pick the spot.

In the meantime, can you
just get me the heating pad

for my back? It's in the attic.

The roast.

Wait a minute, I'm
not cooking dinner.

Heating pad, heating
pad, heating pad...

Oh, crap.

Hey. H-Hey, what
are you doing, Bonnie?

I told Lois I would bring her
a loaf of my sourdough bread.

- She doesn't want it.
- What?

I just talked to her.

She's dead. Lois died. Go away.

Oh, my God.

What are you doing with
her washing machine?

It's not for sale. You'd
need a furniture dolly

to get it out of the
basement anyway.

We have one. I'll give you $100.

Yeah, y... O-O-Okay.
Maybe. Maybe.

Will it fit through
the bulkhead door?

Yeah, it looks like it'll fit.

It'll totally fit.

Yeah, all right.
Let's do it. $100.

Heating pad.

Ah, wonderful.

Ugh, terrific.

Probably a
prowler. It's cool, I know him.

He'll just go right into my bed.

- Hey.
- Hey, Meg's eating dinner.

That's cool, I'll wait.

It's kind of my thing.

How am I gonna get down?

If you hold this
feather, you can fly.

Really? Wow, thanks, little rat.

Ow!

That's for putting locks on
your garbage cans, you dick.

Heating pad.

Where did you go?
And why was your box

of boner and butt
pills on the stairs?

I almost tripped.

Those are discreet.

Now, let's get
you back upstairs.

It's all right, Peter,

just open the Calm app.

"Your credit card has
been decli..." Whee!

There you are,
Peter. Are you okay?

Is this your mother?

I'm sorry. Who the hell are you,
and why are you holding my baby?

See? Total bitch, right?

Boy, this-this is gonna
be a really funny story

when I tell you both separately
far away from each other.

- Hey, Mom.
- Mom?

Peter said you were dead.

Dead? I am not dead.

I was just recovering
from foot surgery,

so I put him in
charge of the kids.

- Now, what the hell happened?
- Heating pad?

I cannot believe this, Peter.

You've been lying to me?

I thought we had something.

And what kind of a
mother leaves their husband

with the kids for a week?
It is a miracle they're alive.

- Excuse me?
- I'll tell you what kind of mother,

the best mom there is.

I'm sorry I lied to you, Becky.

All I wanted was free popcorn.

Taking care of
kids is relentless.

There's no escape.

You know, unless you
"accidentally" leave them

in a hot car.

I mean, you'd get less jail time

than actual murder, right?

And-and prison has to be
quieter than your actual life.

Anyway, if I've learned
anything this week,

it's that all
mothers are heroes,

and the biggest hero I know

is the one I'm lucky
enough to call my wife.

Oh, Peter,

that almost cancels out
everything you've done.

Look, Becky, I don't blame
you for what happened.

Nobody does.

But you're a beautiful woman,

you can do better than a
44-year-old morbidly obese guy.

You know what, you're right.

Ever since I lost my
late husband Scott, I...

Huh?

The other mom
just left, and now,

Bonnie's dragging
a washing machine

out from the bulkhead.

Never a dull moment.

Hey, grab me a
beer from the YETI.

- You know it'll be cold, right?
- Mm-hmm.

Just picture it, the place:
Dripping Springs, Texas.

Roy and Ryan Seiders,

brothers tired of their
conventional coolers breaking

when they would stand-cast
into the Gulf Coast,

took matters into
their own hands

and created the
cooler to end all coolers.

For the man in your
life with no personality.

Well, I'm glad
my foot's all healed.

It's so nice to be
back downstairs.

Yeah, and I'm
happy our relationship

is stronger than ever, and
everything is back to normal.

Well, except every time
I look out the window,

the beginning of "Kiss Me"
by Sixpence None the Richer

- starts playing.
- What?

Aw.

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