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[theme music playing]
2
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[soft music]
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[Jeremy] Diddly Squat Farm
was now wounded.
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With no proper car park,
the shop was a ship
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holed below the waterline.
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And the restaurant dream was dead.
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[soft music continues]
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But it wasn't all doom and gloom.
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Because away from our difficulties
with the local council,
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Mother Nature was waking up.
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[Jeremy] How's the angle?
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That's good. Stop.
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[Charlie] That's it. In you go.
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[Kaleb] Go on.
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[Jeremy] Spring had sprung.
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And so, after five months
in their winter barn,
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we could finally put the cows
back in their fields.
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[mooing]
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[Jeremy] Look at them!
Excited cows! Free!
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[Lisa] Hey!
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-[Lisa] So happy!
-[Jeremy laughs]
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[Lisa] Aww!
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[Jeremy] "I'm free and out."
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[Lisa laughs]
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[Lisa] It must be so nice.
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[mooing]
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They'd completely forgotten
what it was like to be free cows.
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[Lisa laughs]
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[Lisa] Ooh!
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You know I am the world's leading
motoring journalist?
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-I get nervous driving with you.
-No need to go "Ooh!"
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It's 'cause you look at me when you talk
to me when you're driving.
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'Cause I've got binocular rivalry.
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I can see two things at once,
like an Apache gunship whatever...
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Like a goldfish.
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[Jeremy] With the boisterous teenagers
released in one field...
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[Kaleb] Come on!
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[Jeremy] We then had to release
the mums and calves in another.
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[Kaleb] Come on!
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[Charlie] Steady. Steady. Steady.
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-[Charlie] Go on.
-[Jeremy] No.
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[Jeremy] Wrong. Wrong. No, wrong.
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Back down the hill.
Back down. Come on.
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[groans]
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Come on, then. Steady.
Good girls. Come on.
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No. No. No, no, don't go along here.
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Don't do this. Don't do this.
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[Kaleb] Steady.
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Steady.
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Down you go. Down you go.
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No, no, no.
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Oh, for fuck's sake.
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No, no, no, no, no, no.
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[Jeremy] After maiming
just about all of us...
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Ow! Fuck you, cow.
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[Kaleb grunts]
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-[Kaleb shouts]
-[Lisa] Down...
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[Jeremy] The delinquent calf
was finally corralled into the field.
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-[Lisa] Well done, Charlie.
-[Jeremy] Well done, Charlie Ireland.
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[Kaleb] Look at that.
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[Jeremy] What a sight.
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Do you know what this calls for?
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Cup of tea.
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[soft music]
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[Jeremy] Then there was more good news.
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Because, a couple of days later,
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the bird police said avian flu
was on the wane
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and we could release the hens as well.
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This is it, girls!
You're coming out.
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[Jeremy] Here we go.
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It's opening! You are free!
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Look at them.
And the mob grazing is back.
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Finally.
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[Jeremy] Six months.
Is that the longest-ever avian flu?
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-[Steph] Yes.
-[Paddy] The worst one.
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-[Jeremy] Is it? The worst?
-[Steph] Yeah.
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-[Paddy] They've got to the point--
-Hey!
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[cockerel crowing]
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-[Steph] Where did he come from?
-[Jeremy] Jesus!
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That cockerel has had six months
in a women's prison.
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[Steph laughs]
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He liked the look of the ladies.
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[soft music]
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[Jeremy] But, while it was great
to have the animals out and about,
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we still had the worry of how on earth
the farm could make money
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when it was being subjected
to so many council restrictions.
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We're gonna have to live
in a murky grey area
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of loopholes and cunning wheezes
is what we're gonna have to do.
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[Lisa] Yeah.
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It's going to be very murky
and very grey,
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where we're going to be living.
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-But we have to stay...
-[Lisa] Within the law.
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We have to stay just on the right side.
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[Jeremy] And we started this new policy
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on the day we reopened the farm shop
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after its winter hibernation.
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[Lisa] Right, let's put
all the bread up here.
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[Jeremy] Most of the stock had been
produced either at Diddly Squat
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or within the council-imposed
sixteen-mile radius.
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All that's local, that's fine.
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This is all local.
102
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This is all local.
This is all local.
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[Jeremy] But the bags and hats and
T-shirts were not really local at all.
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[Lisa] Thank you.
Hi. How are you?
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[Jeremy] And so, on reopening day...
106
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We don't sell T-shirts.
We're giving them away for free.
107
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Oh, right.
108
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But if you'd like to buy
a Brussels sprout for ยฃ20,
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I can give you a free T-shirt.
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There are complicated reasons.
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-Yes, that's fine.
-Great.
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[lively music]
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-[Lisa] So that's one Brussels sprout.
-[woman] Yeah.
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[ding]
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[Lisa] Green apple.
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-Lovely job.
-[Lisa] Right.
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[cash register]
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[ding]
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[Lisa] Lovely. Thank you.
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Yeah, what type of potato would you like?
I've got the potato with the flame.
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[cash register]
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[Lisa] There we go.
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[woman] Thank you very much.
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[ding]
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[ding]
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[Lisa] Lovely. Thank you very much.
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[ding]
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-[Lisa] Enjoy your potato.
-Thank you.
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[Lisa] Yeah, it's working well.
130
00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:04,600
And I think people like the fact
that they can still buy our stock--
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Well, not. They can still get it
for free, even if we can't sell it.
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[Jeremy] Meanwhile, outside,
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Charlie had come up with a cheeky plan
to solve our car-parking issues.
134
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There is a little loophole open.
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It's a 28-day planning notice,
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which means we can use
any parcel of land for 28 days
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as a temporary car park.
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So we can use the field behind us.
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00:06:31,800 --> 00:06:34,480
And then luckily,
because Jeremy's got a number of fields,
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we can use that field for 28 days,
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and then we can use that field
for 28 days,
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to keep people safely parked
so they can use the shop.
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[Jeremy] Sadly, though,
there was no cunning way
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of reigniting the restaurant,
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as I explained to Alan when he called by.
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[Jeremy] The problem I've got is
that I can't afford
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to go to the Secretary of State.
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[Alan] Yeah.
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[Jeremy] We've gotta go through another
planning process
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00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:03,200
with old Sky at Night boy.
151
00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:05,480
It's gonna be over a year--
eighteen months.
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I mean, that's just gonna be
another planning committee meeting,
153
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and then another, and...
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It's ridiculous,
because over in the field, as you know,
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we've got a barn that has been there
a hundred years.
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So after ten years,
you can do what you want.
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And at the moment, they say farmers
can use a barn for a pop-up shop or...
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And you could turn that
into something straight away.
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Hold on. Whoa.
That barn over there?
160
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Yeah! The barn in the middle
of the field.
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-We don't need planning permission?
-[Alan] No.
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[Jeremy] So you're saying
we can make that...
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[Alan] Yes, you can.
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[Jeremy] Into a restaurant?
165
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That is already on your land
and it's there.
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Just repair it.
It's a beautiful old barn.
167
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[Jeremy] What about power?
168
00:07:40,120 --> 00:07:42,040
We've got three-phase over there.
So we've got enough to take it.
169
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We can take water from here as well.
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-We don't need planning permission?
-[Alan] No.
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I'm 99.9% sure.
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I'm actually becoming a human tripod.
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[Alan laughing]
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[Jeremy] Before I fainted with happiness,
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I called Charlie to ask him to check out
what Alan had been saying.
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-Hi, Charlie. Jeremy.
-[Charlie] Hi.
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00:08:03,840 --> 00:08:06,120
[Jeremy] Alan's come up with an idea...
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00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:08,880
[Jeremy] And half an hour later...
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[Charlie] We are allowed to do it.
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Because it's a sound structure,
that should be fine.
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Because the walls are fine,
the roof's fine.
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[Jeremy] The roof's a bit not fine,
but we can make the roof fine.
183
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[Charlie] Well, yeah,
we can repurpose it.
184
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Why didn't anybody think of this earlier?
185
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I don't know.
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I don't know, but it's... I mean...
[sighs]
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What a result that would be.
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[Jeremy] This was the best loophole
of them all.
189
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If a barn is smaller than
a hundred and fifty square metres
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and more than ten years old,
191
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a farmer can do anything he likes
with it.
192
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It's not in particularly good order.
But...
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Look at this.
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If we get this A-frame,
whatever it's called, here repaired...
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00:08:58,480 --> 00:08:59,760
And then...
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put the tables and chairs
all round here...
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Look at that for a view,
to have your Sunday lunch.
198
00:09:05,880 --> 00:09:07,480
Look at it!
199
00:09:07,640 --> 00:09:08,960
[chuckles]
200
00:09:09,160 --> 00:09:11,000
[lively music]
201
00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:15,000
[Jeremy] Because there would only be room
in here for a tiny kitchen,
202
00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:20,120
most of the food preparation
would have to be done at the farm itself.
203
00:09:21,880 --> 00:09:23,440
So I decided the two places
204
00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:24,840
should be linked with something
205
00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:27,760
I'd been planning for ages:
206
00:09:28,640 --> 00:09:31,000
a new farm track.
207
00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:33,120
[lively music continues]
208
00:09:34,280 --> 00:09:36,120
[Alan] I think you betta
set this up here, hadn't ya?
209
00:09:36,640 --> 00:09:39,480
[Jeremy] While Alan set
about repairing the barn...
210
00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:44,640
I attached an old plough
to Thunderbird IV
211
00:09:45,120 --> 00:09:48,360
and started work on my link road,
212
00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:51,240
which would have other benefits as well.
213
00:09:52,640 --> 00:09:54,960
Put some wildflowers down the side.
It'll be lovely.
214
00:09:55,600 --> 00:09:58,640
And we can come along here,
across the road,
215
00:09:58,760 --> 00:10:00,080
enter the farm shop car park,
216
00:10:00,240 --> 00:10:03,240
and then we can access
all the other half of the farm
217
00:10:03,440 --> 00:10:06,480
without going on the road network
and getting in everyone's way.
218
00:10:08,520 --> 00:10:10,200
It's clever, this.
219
00:10:10,360 --> 00:10:12,520
Clever thinking from me.
220
00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:18,160
Now, I've gotta go for an absolutely
dead-straight line.
221
00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:20,200
[lively music]
222
00:10:20,360 --> 00:10:23,760
[Jeremy] That was harder
than I thought it would be.
223
00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:27,160
So I have to go to the right
of the telegraph pole.
224
00:10:27,320 --> 00:10:29,640
That's where the entrance is going to be.
225
00:10:30,080 --> 00:10:31,840
Right. One, two... six.
226
00:10:32,760 --> 00:10:33,960
There.
227
00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:36,520
[lively music continues]
228
00:10:48,880 --> 00:10:50,880
[Jeremy] The arrival of Kaleb.
229
00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:55,800
-[Jeremy] What?
-I suggest you stop.
230
00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:56,800
Why?
231
00:10:57,360 --> 00:10:58,200
It's not very straight.
232
00:10:58,360 --> 00:11:00,480
You said to me,
"I want a dead-straight line, Kaleb,
233
00:11:00,640 --> 00:11:03,360
"from that gateway to the new gate
that would be over there in the field."
234
00:11:03,520 --> 00:11:06,760
I agree. My first one was a disaster.
235
00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:09,280
-So which one is it?
-This one.
236
00:11:10,400 --> 00:11:12,040
[Kaleb] It's fucking awful!
237
00:11:12,200 --> 00:11:15,320
[Jeremy] That one,
God knows what came over me.
238
00:11:15,480 --> 00:11:17,440
I was aiming for the lavatories.
239
00:11:17,600 --> 00:11:19,720
And then I realised halfway along
that's wrong.
240
00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:22,200
So I had to swerve a bit right.
241
00:11:22,720 --> 00:11:23,520
[Kaleb] It's shit.
242
00:11:23,680 --> 00:11:25,960
[Jeremy] No, but I know you like
saying that to me.
243
00:11:26,120 --> 00:11:27,920
[Kaleb] No, no, I don't like
saying it to you.
244
00:11:28,080 --> 00:11:29,880
I'd rather it just be done properly...
245
00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:34,160
[Jeremy] Once the route
had finally been marked out,
246
00:11:34,320 --> 00:11:38,160
I needed some hardcore
to make the track itself.
247
00:11:38,320 --> 00:11:40,880
And that meant digging a small quarry.
248
00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:43,080
[upbeat music]
249
00:11:46,880 --> 00:11:49,560
This meant bringing back Lee,
the cow barn builder,
250
00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:52,000
and some of his lads...
251
00:11:53,640 --> 00:11:57,000
and a lot of his machinery.
252
00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:02,160
It's a production line.
He digs the big stone up,
253
00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:04,360
puts it into the crusher.
254
00:12:06,080 --> 00:12:09,440
He picks that up and drops it here.
255
00:12:09,600 --> 00:12:11,480
I pick it up from here
and put it in your trailer
256
00:12:11,680 --> 00:12:12,800
and you drive...
257
00:12:12,960 --> 00:12:14,320
Where are you gonna dump the first load?
258
00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:16,200
The first load is just there.
259
00:12:16,400 --> 00:12:18,160
[reverse alarm]
260
00:12:18,960 --> 00:12:20,480
["Freight Train" by Alan Jackson playing]
261
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:22,160
[Jeremy laughs]
262
00:12:22,360 --> 00:12:23,760
[Jeremy] Swinging.
263
00:12:24,280 --> 00:12:25,680
โช Wish I was a freight train, baby โช
264
00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:28,040
โช Wish I was a freight train, baby โช
265
00:12:28,200 --> 00:12:31,200
โช Wish I was a freight train โช
266
00:12:32,680 --> 00:12:33,640
What a banger.
267
00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:35,000
[music continues]
268
00:12:35,520 --> 00:12:37,560
[Jeremy] Ooh!
269
00:12:37,760 --> 00:12:40,640
[Jeremy] Look at what we're doing here,
quarrying!
270
00:12:41,480 --> 00:12:45,040
If you've got even a small garden,
for heaven's sake,
271
00:12:45,200 --> 00:12:49,080
dig it up and make a quarry,
because it's the most fun.
272
00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:51,800
[music continues]
273
00:12:52,000 --> 00:12:54,280
[makes electric guitar noise]
274
00:12:54,440 --> 00:12:56,200
No, I think this might be the piano,
actually.
275
00:12:57,240 --> 00:12:59,520
[humming]
No, is it? I dunno.
276
00:13:00,080 --> 00:13:02,320
[Jeremy] Look at my judgement there.
277
00:13:02,520 --> 00:13:04,760
โช Wish I was a freight train, baby โช
278
00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:06,760
โช Wish I was a diesel locomotive โช
279
00:13:06,920 --> 00:13:08,400
โช I'd come whistling down your track โช
280
00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:11,160
โช Crashing in your door โช
281
00:13:11,320 --> 00:13:13,760
[Jeremy] Soon, it was time
to start making the track.
282
00:13:13,960 --> 00:13:17,240
โช Wish I was a freight train, baby
Wish I was a freight train โช
283
00:13:19,320 --> 00:13:20,640
I'm shit.
[laughs]
284
00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:23,800
[Jeremy through speaker] I have made
a hole in the plastic sheeting.
285
00:13:24,000 --> 00:13:25,880
Kaleb, I'm shit at this.
286
00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:29,280
This and sheep shearing I can't do.
287
00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:30,840
[Kaleb] And drilling. Cultivating.
288
00:13:31,960 --> 00:13:33,600
Hedge cutting, you can't do that.
289
00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:35,960
I mean, the list goes on
of things you can't do.
290
00:13:36,680 --> 00:13:39,160
[Jeremy] Having fired myself
from this job,
291
00:13:39,320 --> 00:13:42,120
I then re-hired myself
as the roller driver,
292
00:13:43,120 --> 00:13:46,600
which, for me, was a vehicular first.
293
00:13:49,560 --> 00:13:53,480
Now, I think I push that green one
to make it vibrate.
294
00:13:53,640 --> 00:13:54,680
Ready?
295
00:13:55,560 --> 00:13:57,560
[engine revving]
296
00:13:59,600 --> 00:14:00,960
[laughs] Holy shit!
297
00:14:04,200 --> 00:14:06,720
Oh, I'm enjoying that!
298
00:14:07,240 --> 00:14:09,760
Yes!
299
00:14:12,480 --> 00:14:15,240
What a pleasant way
of spending the day.
300
00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:18,480
Having your bottom vibrated
301
00:14:18,640 --> 00:14:21,720
while sitting cross-legged
in a comfortable chair
302
00:14:21,880 --> 00:14:24,160
and doing a manly job of work.
303
00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:29,560
[Jeremy] Sadly, though,
I soon had to leave Lee to it,
304
00:14:29,720 --> 00:14:33,720
as there were other jobs on the farm
that needed my attention.
305
00:14:34,640 --> 00:14:36,880
One of which was to meet Pip.
306
00:14:37,080 --> 00:14:37,880
[Jeremy] How are you?
307
00:14:38,040 --> 00:14:42,440
[Jeremy] A highly recommended chef
who could potentially run the restaurant.
308
00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:46,160
[Jeremy] So, we've already got
our own honey,
309
00:14:46,360 --> 00:14:47,840
our own eggs.
310
00:14:48,840 --> 00:14:51,080
This is... you've got flour here
for pasta.
311
00:14:51,280 --> 00:14:53,640
My son is now making
our own chilli sauces
312
00:14:53,800 --> 00:14:55,160
out of chillis that we're growing.
313
00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:57,840
We've got lamb.
And now we've got beef.
314
00:14:58,040 --> 00:15:01,680
I think what you have here
is the beginning of a great restaurant.
315
00:15:01,880 --> 00:15:03,680
I think you can use all the produce,
316
00:15:03,880 --> 00:15:05,920
from nose to tail
of all the animals as well.
317
00:15:06,120 --> 00:15:07,880
What sort of cooking
have you done in the past?
318
00:15:08,040 --> 00:15:09,280
I have done Italian in the past.
319
00:15:09,480 --> 00:15:11,840
Er, French. And British.
320
00:15:12,040 --> 00:15:13,520
And then obviously
my restaurant at the moment,
321
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:16,080
we mix quite a lot of European styles
322
00:15:16,240 --> 00:15:18,640
and then a little bit
of Japanese influence.
323
00:15:19,320 --> 00:15:21,880
See, the thing is,
324
00:15:22,040 --> 00:15:25,760
I see who comes to the farm shop,
I see who has come.
325
00:15:25,920 --> 00:15:28,680
And... they're Subaru drivers.
326
00:15:30,720 --> 00:15:32,720
-My uncle had a Subaru.
-[Jeremy] Yeah.
327
00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:36,040
That's who I'm aiming the restaurant at,
328
00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:38,680
people who don't want three chips
cooked three times
329
00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:40,080
and they don't want fancy.
330
00:15:40,240 --> 00:15:43,320
So Asian fusion, these are not words
331
00:15:43,480 --> 00:15:46,400
-that they'll particularly enjoy.
-No.
332
00:15:46,600 --> 00:15:49,240
"Fuck off" will be
the sort of standard response
333
00:15:49,400 --> 00:15:53,400
to any attempt to mess around
with a steak and kidney pie or a--
334
00:15:53,560 --> 00:15:54,360
Yeah.
335
00:15:55,480 --> 00:15:57,400
[Jeremy] I then gave Pip a tour,
336
00:15:57,560 --> 00:16:00,760
starting with the headline act
of the menu.
337
00:16:00,960 --> 00:16:03,240
[Jeremy] These are the two
that have been scheduled for execution.
338
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:04,200
[Pip] Okay.
339
00:16:04,360 --> 00:16:07,240
-[Jeremy] That's what we'll be cooking.
-[Pip] They're huge.
340
00:16:07,880 --> 00:16:10,160
[Jeremy] And this is where we put
the prep kitchen.
341
00:16:10,360 --> 00:16:11,920
[Pip] Wow!
342
00:16:12,080 --> 00:16:13,120
Good prep kitchen?
343
00:16:13,760 --> 00:16:15,840
[Pip] It's huge.
It's bigger than my kitchen.
344
00:16:16,040 --> 00:16:17,360
-You have a butcher?
-[Jeremy] Yeah.
345
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:20,200
-It goes through a guy called Henry.
-Yeah.
346
00:16:20,360 --> 00:16:23,400
Who looks like Andy Garcia
in The Untouchables.
347
00:16:23,560 --> 00:16:26,120
So anyway, Andy Garcia does our butchery.
348
00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:28,080
-[Jeremy] See the chillis?
-Yeah, yeah.
349
00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:31,160
So you get thousands and
thousands and thousands of chilli plants,
350
00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:32,480
-which is...
-Yeah.
351
00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:34,360
[Pip] Hot sauce.
352
00:16:34,560 --> 00:16:36,880
[Jeremy] Having been impressed so far,
353
00:16:37,440 --> 00:16:41,280
Pip was clearly expecting great things
from the restaurant itself.
354
00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:44,640
[Pip] Oh my God!
355
00:16:45,920 --> 00:16:48,680
-[Jeremy] It's quite rudimentary.
-Yeah.
356
00:16:49,080 --> 00:16:50,000
[Pip] Er...
357
00:16:50,480 --> 00:16:51,600
Right.
358
00:16:52,640 --> 00:16:53,440
Fuck.
359
00:16:54,400 --> 00:16:56,520
-This is kitchen.
-[Pip laughs]
360
00:16:56,680 --> 00:16:59,400
That is small.
Finishing kitchen.
361
00:16:59,560 --> 00:17:01,520
-Where's the rest?
-What?
362
00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:02,640
Are you building out?
363
00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:04,960
No, can't. The council won't let us.
364
00:17:05,120 --> 00:17:08,320
Because of the rules,
which I didn't write,
365
00:17:08,480 --> 00:17:13,080
you're allowed to have as much space
outside the building
366
00:17:13,240 --> 00:17:14,480
as there is inside it.
367
00:17:14,680 --> 00:17:17,560
-Not with a building, but with umbrellas.
-Yeah.
368
00:17:18,720 --> 00:17:22,320
So you probably come to here, right
the way down to the far end of that wall.
369
00:17:22,480 --> 00:17:23,320
Yeah.
370
00:17:23,520 --> 00:17:25,560
And this is all tables and chairs
as well.
371
00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:29,280
Yeah. You could get probably
forty-five covers, I think.
372
00:17:29,480 --> 00:17:30,400
And I just had a thought.
373
00:17:30,560 --> 00:17:32,720
Could you not extend the kitchen a bit
374
00:17:32,880 --> 00:17:33,960
and have a barbecue outside?
375
00:17:34,080 --> 00:17:35,960
No. Council won't let us.
376
00:17:38,880 --> 00:17:42,480
[Jeremy] Having absorbed the fact
she'd be cooking in a shoebox,
377
00:17:42,640 --> 00:17:46,680
Pip then asked me what exactly
I'd like to see on the menu,
378
00:17:46,800 --> 00:17:50,520
hoping that I'd give her a precise brief.
379
00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:53,920
Have you seen that film Babe,
with the pig?
380
00:17:54,080 --> 00:17:55,320
Yeah.
381
00:17:55,520 --> 00:17:58,640
You know when he goes home at night
and his wife's there?
382
00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:03,680
What they have for supper is sort of
what I want to serve in the restaurant.
383
00:18:04,560 --> 00:18:07,800
I don't know what they have for supper,
but in my imagination,
384
00:18:08,000 --> 00:18:10,040
what they eat is what I want to serve.
385
00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:13,800
[Pip] Right.
386
00:18:15,280 --> 00:18:18,560
[Jeremy] With that valuable information
tucked away,
387
00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:21,320
Pip went off to start work.
388
00:18:22,080 --> 00:18:26,920
And I went back to the tricky business
of making cows pregnant.
389
00:18:27,680 --> 00:18:31,160
The last round of IVF
had worked for Deeny.
390
00:18:32,320 --> 00:18:33,320
But not for Pepper,
391
00:18:33,880 --> 00:18:36,800
who'd needed another injection.
392
00:18:37,000 --> 00:18:38,800
[Jeremy] Here we are,
Dilwyn in his usual pose.
393
00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:42,480
-[Dilwyn] Hello. Can I shake your hands?
-[Lisa laughs]
394
00:18:42,640 --> 00:18:47,440
[Jeremy] And today we'd find out
if finally she was up the duff.
395
00:18:50,240 --> 00:18:52,680
Right, bad news.
396
00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:55,880
-[Jeremy] You're joking?
-Yeah, not in calf.
397
00:18:56,680 --> 00:18:59,280
So everything's there.
398
00:18:59,480 --> 00:19:01,320
So I've checked her over,
everything's cycling.
399
00:19:01,560 --> 00:19:04,720
But I don't see a reason
why she can't get in calf.
400
00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:09,920
[Jeremy] Poor old Pepper.
What's the matter with you, sweetheart?
401
00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:11,040
[Dilwyn] That's a shame.
402
00:19:11,200 --> 00:19:13,520
You gotta decide where you want to go
from here, really.
403
00:19:14,320 --> 00:19:15,520
-We don't--
-[Jeremy] Can I just--
404
00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:17,760
Let me ask the vet.
405
00:19:17,920 --> 00:19:21,560
In your experience, what would
a farmer do in this situation?
406
00:19:21,760 --> 00:19:22,760
Chuck the bull in.
407
00:19:22,920 --> 00:19:24,200
-[Jeremy] Chuck the bull in?
-Yeah.
408
00:19:24,400 --> 00:19:26,480
Would a farmer rent a bull?
409
00:19:26,640 --> 00:19:28,080
[Dilwyn] You can rent a bull.
410
00:19:28,240 --> 00:19:29,920
[Jeremy] And how long would the bull
have to be here?
411
00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:31,440
[Dilwyn] Two months.
412
00:19:31,640 --> 00:19:35,160
So the bull lives here,
right alongside the footpath.
413
00:19:35,320 --> 00:19:37,000
[Jeremy] Don't you have
to change the fences if you...
414
00:19:37,200 --> 00:19:39,480
-[Kaleb] You've gotta put some signs up.
-[Dilwyn] Yeah.
415
00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:41,160
I mean, there is risk to it, you know.
416
00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:44,080
If it gets out, you know.
Everyone panics when a bull's out, yeah?
417
00:19:44,240 --> 00:19:46,520
But the majority of the time,
the bull's not there to kill someone.
418
00:19:46,680 --> 00:19:49,200
I mean, yeah,
it can kill someone, admittedly.
419
00:19:49,320 --> 00:19:51,440
[Jeremy] Right.
So we can put a bull in here.
420
00:19:52,520 --> 00:19:55,080
And that electric fence there
that we have at the bottom--
421
00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:56,680
[Kaleb] I'm fencing that one
across there.
422
00:19:56,880 --> 00:19:59,440
Yeah, because we don't want the bull
in the kitchen every morning.
423
00:19:59,560 --> 00:20:02,520
-Not so much.
-That really would be a surprise!
424
00:20:02,680 --> 00:20:04,000
Unless he's terribly handsome.
425
00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:08,320
[Jeremy] Finding a boyfriend for Pepper
would take a few days.
426
00:20:09,080 --> 00:20:13,040
So, in the meantime,
I got on with another important job,
427
00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:16,080
planting a crop called echium.
428
00:20:16,560 --> 00:20:19,040
Fifteen mil on the barrel.
429
00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:22,920
OK, gotta go, I'm on twenty mil
at the minute. I'm on two centimetres.
430
00:20:23,080 --> 00:20:27,200
[Jeremy] This meant Kaleb had to make
some fiddly adjustments to the drill.
431
00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:28,240
[Kaleb] Okey dokey.
432
00:20:28,440 --> 00:20:31,560
[Jeremy] But I assured him
it would all be worthwhile.
433
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:34,880
Barley and wheat right now,
ยฃ300 a ton? Give or take?
434
00:20:35,040 --> 00:20:36,320
Yeah, yeah.
435
00:20:36,480 --> 00:20:38,960
Oilseed rape, ยฃ700 a ton?
-[Kaleb] Yeah.
436
00:20:39,080 --> 00:20:40,320
-Really high.
-[Kaleb] Yeah.
437
00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:42,400
Do you wanna know
how much you get for this?
438
00:20:42,560 --> 00:20:44,560
-[Kaleb] Go on.
-ยฃ4,200 a ton.
439
00:20:46,080 --> 00:20:47,680
-Really?
-Mmm.
440
00:20:49,000 --> 00:20:51,240
Let's grow echium.
Right, I think I've set that.
441
00:20:51,400 --> 00:20:53,080
-Do you know what it is?
-No.
442
00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:57,160
Vegans won't eat cod liver oil
or fish oil.
443
00:20:57,320 --> 00:20:58,400
-Mmh.
-Obviously.
444
00:20:58,560 --> 00:21:00,560
But they can eat this,
which is exactly the same.
445
00:21:00,720 --> 00:21:02,880
It's omega-3, omega-6, omega-9.
446
00:21:03,080 --> 00:21:07,280
So it's a very, very, very,
very good oil.
447
00:21:07,440 --> 00:21:10,520
-Yeah.
-Very healthy. Vegans love it.
448
00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:13,800
So we are profiteering from veganism,
which I like.
449
00:21:14,400 --> 00:21:19,000
And then, the bees
absolutely love echium.
450
00:21:19,920 --> 00:21:22,720
[Jeremy] Once Kaleb had finished
adjusting the settings,
451
00:21:22,920 --> 00:21:25,800
we filled the hopper
with vegan gold dust...
452
00:21:26,960 --> 00:21:29,520
told the computer what it was planting...
453
00:21:29,680 --> 00:21:32,320
[Kaleb] Four, eight, two, okay.
454
00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:36,000
Imagine if NASA
used a computer like this.
455
00:21:36,160 --> 00:21:37,240
[Kaleb] Who's "Nassi"?
456
00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:38,560
[Jeremy] And set off.
457
00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:40,520
[upbeat music]
458
00:21:41,320 --> 00:21:44,080
[Jeremy] Well, look at this.
With my snazzy new weight box,
459
00:21:44,280 --> 00:21:45,960
no wheelying.
460
00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:51,000
This rig is now about fifteen tons.
461
00:21:51,160 --> 00:21:52,280
[laughs]
462
00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:57,760
[Jeremy] The good thing about growing
echium is that it rarely needs
463
00:21:57,960 --> 00:22:01,360
to be sprayed with chemicals
or fertiliser.
464
00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:04,600
So there's no need for fiddly tramlines.
465
00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:11,560
The bad thing is that I'd forgotten
how everything worked.
466
00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:15,640
I've gotta set the fan speed.
467
00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:18,040
Er...
468
00:22:18,840 --> 00:22:20,400
Set.
469
00:22:20,880 --> 00:22:23,520
Oh no, it's... Oh no.
Oh shit. I think I've just...
470
00:22:24,280 --> 00:22:25,800
Kaleb, can you hear me?
471
00:22:25,960 --> 00:22:29,080
I can't remember
how to set this computer up.
472
00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:33,640
[Jeremy] The farming foetus
patiently explained the tech.
473
00:22:33,840 --> 00:22:35,920
[Kaleb] It's the little tractor
at the top, remember?
474
00:22:36,080 --> 00:22:38,280
[Jeremy] No. I've never used this drill.
475
00:22:38,480 --> 00:22:42,520
You have. You drilled some wheat,
and then fucked up on that.
476
00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:44,320
-[Charlie] Didn't you drill Deadman's?
-Yes.
477
00:22:44,480 --> 00:22:46,800
-Have you seen the cock-up in there?
-[Charlie] Well, I have walked it.
478
00:22:47,200 --> 00:22:49,600
You stick with writing.
Let me do this.
479
00:22:49,760 --> 00:22:51,000
No, 'cause there's no tramlines.
480
00:22:51,200 --> 00:22:54,120
You don't need tramlines for this,
which is why I'm doing it.
481
00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:55,760
[Charlie] It's very low-input, yeah.
482
00:22:55,960 --> 00:22:59,240
[Jeremy] Kaleb continued
with my refresher course.
483
00:22:59,400 --> 00:23:00,200
[Kaleb] Push that up.
484
00:23:00,360 --> 00:23:02,040
-And then see where it says Markers?
-Yeah.
485
00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:03,120
Pull that down.
486
00:23:03,320 --> 00:23:04,480
-I want the marker out this way?
-Yes.
487
00:23:05,000 --> 00:23:06,360
[Jeremy] Out you go.
488
00:23:07,160 --> 00:23:08,880
Oh shit!
489
00:23:09,080 --> 00:23:10,240
[Kaleb] No, just stop.
Bring that back in.
490
00:23:10,440 --> 00:23:12,080
[laughs]
491
00:23:19,520 --> 00:23:21,760
[Jeremy] Hold on. No.
Wait, wait, wait.
492
00:23:24,000 --> 00:23:24,800
[Jeremy] Right.
493
00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:28,080
-Shit!
-[Kaleb] Fucking 'ell.
494
00:23:28,760 --> 00:23:30,840
[Kaleb] Whose idea was it
to grow echium?
495
00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:33,960
[Jeremy] Finally, I was ready.
496
00:23:34,160 --> 00:23:36,280
Here we go.
497
00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:40,400
[Kaleb] Whoa. Stop!
498
00:23:41,040 --> 00:23:44,640
Fan speed, thirty-nine thousand RPM.
499
00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:45,680
Excellent.
500
00:23:45,880 --> 00:23:50,160
-[Kaleb] Whoa! Stop!
-[Charlie] Jeremy, stop. Jeremy, stop.
501
00:23:50,360 --> 00:23:51,880
[Charlie] You're basically a bulldozer.
502
00:23:52,080 --> 00:23:54,560
You've just got a foot of soil
along the whole of the front.
503
00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:57,200
Because the trash isn't flowing
through the drill.
504
00:23:57,400 --> 00:23:59,400
What? Sorry. What's trash?
505
00:23:59,600 --> 00:24:02,920
The only thing I could do is pick
the drill right up on the culters.
506
00:24:03,120 --> 00:24:05,120
Well, it's not leaving it level enough.
507
00:24:05,280 --> 00:24:07,560
-Because you know we've gotta swath it.
-[Kaleb] Yeah.
508
00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:10,200
I don't understand a word of that.
509
00:24:10,400 --> 00:24:11,960
[Kaleb] Can I just...
Level this machine up.
510
00:24:12,120 --> 00:24:14,200
Push it out on the top link a little bit.
511
00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:16,000
I hate it when he goes
512
00:24:16,200 --> 00:24:19,760
between whatever implement's
on the back and the tractor.
513
00:24:19,960 --> 00:24:23,160
Any minute now
there'll be a squelching sound.
514
00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:25,280
And then a siren.
515
00:24:25,440 --> 00:24:26,320
And then a gavel.
516
00:24:26,520 --> 00:24:28,600
And then...
517
00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:32,680
the sound of me squealing in a jail cell.
518
00:24:32,880 --> 00:24:34,880
[lively music]
519
00:24:35,640 --> 00:24:39,040
[Jeremy] Once Kaleb had done
whatever it was he did,
520
00:24:39,200 --> 00:24:41,200
I got going again.
521
00:24:42,000 --> 00:24:44,760
Right. Ten KPH.
522
00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:47,640
[Jeremy] And basically, I had one job.
523
00:24:48,960 --> 00:24:52,040
I was making a groove in the field
with my marker
524
00:24:52,600 --> 00:24:54,640
so that on the return leg,
525
00:24:54,800 --> 00:24:58,240
if I kept that groove
in the middle of my bonnet,
526
00:24:58,400 --> 00:25:01,160
I'd know I was exactly three metres
527
00:25:01,320 --> 00:25:05,320
from the bit of the field
I'd already planted.
528
00:25:07,000 --> 00:25:08,280
[Jeremy] Don't take your eyes off it,
Jeremy.
529
00:25:08,480 --> 00:25:10,640
Keep your eyes on it.
530
00:25:10,840 --> 00:25:12,000
Keep your eyes on it.
531
00:25:16,120 --> 00:25:18,440
[Jeremy] However, after I turned round,
532
00:25:18,600 --> 00:25:22,080
I realised that because of the way
this field had been cultivated,
533
00:25:22,680 --> 00:25:26,720
the groove from where I was sitting
was invisible.
534
00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:28,120
[Jeremy] Fucking hell.
535
00:25:29,120 --> 00:25:31,240
Absolutely no idea here.
536
00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:33,640
Simply not visible.
537
00:25:34,480 --> 00:25:37,960
Trying to see effectively
where a very small metal beetle
538
00:25:38,120 --> 00:25:40,240
has been wandering along the field.
539
00:25:40,400 --> 00:25:42,200
It's not doing anything.
540
00:25:44,400 --> 00:25:48,760
I'm going over most of the field twice
and some of the field not at all.
541
00:25:49,800 --> 00:25:51,880
Oh fucking hell!
542
00:25:52,080 --> 00:25:54,840
I'm gonna be in so much trouble
when this grows.
543
00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:59,000
This seed is too expensive
to keep cocking it up.
544
00:25:59,200 --> 00:26:00,960
[Jeremy through speaker] I dunno
what I'm doing here, Kaleb.
545
00:26:01,120 --> 00:26:03,840
I can't bloody see this marker.
546
00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:05,480
I just can't see it.
547
00:26:06,360 --> 00:26:09,160
[Jeremy] I braced myself
for the customary bollocking.
548
00:26:09,360 --> 00:26:12,200
But amazingly, it didn't arrive.
549
00:26:12,400 --> 00:26:15,040
[Kaleb] That's hard. I'll give you that.
550
00:26:15,200 --> 00:26:16,600
I'm not gonna moan at you
if you miss any.
551
00:26:18,160 --> 00:26:20,960
[Jeremy] Kaleb then decided
to use his roller
552
00:26:21,160 --> 00:26:24,640
to make a wavy line in the field...
553
00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:26,360
[upbeat music]
554
00:26:28,680 --> 00:26:33,440
So that when my metal beetle
went over a newly flattened bit of soil,
555
00:26:34,160 --> 00:26:37,080
I'd be able to see the mark it made.
556
00:26:37,840 --> 00:26:41,280
So you think I'm gonna be able
to see the lines,
557
00:26:41,440 --> 00:26:43,840
now that you've done that zig-zag thing?
558
00:26:44,000 --> 00:26:45,280
[Kaleb] Yeah.
559
00:26:45,440 --> 00:26:48,160
You see the difference now?
560
00:26:48,320 --> 00:26:51,320
[Jeremy] Yes.
I can see where you have been.
561
00:26:51,520 --> 00:26:53,720
[upbeat music continues]
562
00:26:58,040 --> 00:27:02,640
He's right, this is... transformatory.
563
00:27:05,160 --> 00:27:06,880
I can do this now.
564
00:27:08,720 --> 00:27:10,920
[Jeremy] A bit of Diddly Squat teamwork
565
00:27:11,080 --> 00:27:13,880
had saved my vegan bacon.
566
00:27:14,760 --> 00:27:17,760
[Kaleb] Where you are now,
you're bang on, absolutely bang on.
567
00:27:17,920 --> 00:27:18,720
Yeah.
568
00:27:21,600 --> 00:27:23,880
There you are, you little beauty.
569
00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:34,880
[Jeremy] With the echium planted,
570
00:27:35,040 --> 00:27:39,560
we received news that our new rent-a-bull
was on its way,
571
00:27:40,120 --> 00:27:43,080
which meant I had to do
some preparatory work
572
00:27:43,280 --> 00:27:45,560
with my head of security.
573
00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:50,040
[Jeremy] Right, the bull's
coming at three. So about an hour?
574
00:27:50,200 --> 00:27:51,000
[Gerald] Yeah.
575
00:27:51,160 --> 00:27:53,320
[Jeremy] So I've gotta get these signs up
telling ramblers...
576
00:27:53,480 --> 00:27:55,200
'Cause, you know,
this is a public footpath.
577
00:27:55,360 --> 00:27:56,160
[Gerald] Yeah.
578
00:27:56,320 --> 00:27:58,800
[Jeremy] That there's a bull in the
field. But, here's what's interesting.
579
00:27:59,720 --> 00:28:02,320
You can't put on the sign "Danger, Bull"
580
00:28:02,480 --> 00:28:06,360
because then I'm admitting
I know it's dangerous
581
00:28:06,520 --> 00:28:08,200
and then that makes me liable.
582
00:28:08,360 --> 00:28:10,520
But you can't say it's safe either
because...
583
00:28:10,680 --> 00:28:11,720
[Gerald] Yeah.
584
00:28:11,920 --> 00:28:13,520
Have you ever been attacked by a bull?
585
00:28:13,680 --> 00:28:16,960
I know an old farmer...
You know, this is a story, right?
586
00:28:17,120 --> 00:28:20,000
When they were doing the winter
littering down...
587
00:28:20,160 --> 00:28:22,880
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
588
00:28:23,040 --> 00:28:25,600
They must weigh half a ton,
those brown bales, don't they?
589
00:28:26,360 --> 00:28:27,880
And if you come down to an Hereford...
590
00:28:28,040 --> 00:28:32,880
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
591
00:28:33,040 --> 00:28:34,320
But you never can tell.
592
00:28:34,480 --> 00:28:39,000
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
593
00:28:39,160 --> 00:28:41,120
That was with the bale
in the thing and all.
594
00:28:42,640 --> 00:28:44,640
[Jeremy] Right. Now, I've got some signs.
595
00:28:44,800 --> 00:28:47,440
[Gerald] That's why I was never
a big lover of having a bull.
596
00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:50,400
[Jeremy] So, I've had these done.
597
00:28:52,360 --> 00:28:53,600
[Gerald laughs]
598
00:28:53,760 --> 00:28:55,960
You know those people in the village
that moan all the time...
599
00:28:56,120 --> 00:28:56,960
[Jeremy groans]
600
00:28:57,120 --> 00:28:58,600
...in the pub on a Sunday
with their red trousers on?
601
00:28:58,760 --> 00:28:59,560
[Gerald] Yeah.
602
00:29:01,120 --> 00:29:02,640
[Gerald] Yeah! Yeah!
603
00:29:02,840 --> 00:29:04,120
[laughs]
604
00:29:05,480 --> 00:29:07,040
[both laugh]
605
00:29:08,280 --> 00:29:09,480
[Jeremy] Right.
606
00:29:10,680 --> 00:29:11,480
Yeah, that's the one.
607
00:29:13,280 --> 00:29:15,040
[Jeremy] Once the signs were up,
608
00:29:15,200 --> 00:29:18,040
I showed Gerald how I'd used
farm equipment
609
00:29:18,200 --> 00:29:20,840
as a bull-containment measure.
610
00:29:21,440 --> 00:29:23,680
[Jeremy] So we've got
an electric fence there.
611
00:29:23,840 --> 00:29:25,560
If that doesn't work,
612
00:29:25,720 --> 00:29:27,640
-I put this here...
-Yeah.
613
00:29:27,840 --> 00:29:29,480
-As a barrier.
-Yeah.
614
00:29:29,640 --> 00:29:31,200
To stop him getting on the footpath.
615
00:29:31,360 --> 00:29:35,600
So, if you has him here, you would ask me
to go out there with you, you know...
616
00:29:35,800 --> 00:29:38,040
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
617
00:29:38,240 --> 00:29:39,880
Simple as that.
618
00:29:42,120 --> 00:29:46,040
[Jeremy] Not knowing whether I'd done
a good thing or not,
619
00:29:46,840 --> 00:29:50,160
we then waited for the arrival
of the bull,
620
00:29:50,320 --> 00:29:54,440
which we'd rented from the family
who'd supplied the cows.
621
00:29:55,600 --> 00:29:56,800
-[woman] Hello.
-[Charlie] Hello.
622
00:29:56,960 --> 00:29:58,080
[Jeremy] Good to see you.
623
00:29:58,280 --> 00:29:59,960
-Is he here?
-[Jeremy] The gigolo has arrived.
624
00:30:06,520 --> 00:30:10,040
Ooh my God.
His face is there, with like a ring.
625
00:30:13,000 --> 00:30:15,240
[man] Here he comes. Come on, boy.
626
00:30:16,320 --> 00:30:19,280
[Jeremy] Look at the size of that head!
He's enormous! Look at him!
627
00:30:19,440 --> 00:30:21,480
-[man] Come on, boy.
-[woman] Good boy.
628
00:30:22,000 --> 00:30:23,080
[Lisa] Wow.
629
00:30:23,280 --> 00:30:25,000
[Jeremy] Look at his testes!
630
00:30:25,920 --> 00:30:27,280
-[man] Go on.
-[Jeremy] Aye.
631
00:30:27,600 --> 00:30:29,760
[Jeremy] Lisa? Would you like
to know what he's called?
632
00:30:29,920 --> 00:30:31,000
[Lisa] Yeah.
633
00:30:31,160 --> 00:30:32,200
[Jeremy] The name's Maestro.
634
00:30:33,040 --> 00:30:34,680
Breakheart Maestro.
635
00:30:34,840 --> 00:30:36,040
That's his name!
636
00:30:36,240 --> 00:30:37,040
-[Jeremy] Breakheart Mae...
-[Lisa] Look at them run!
637
00:30:37,200 --> 00:30:40,280
[Jeremy] Look at the lady cows,
coming for some action.
638
00:30:40,480 --> 00:30:42,320
-[woman] They're running up, literally.
-[man] They are.
639
00:30:42,520 --> 00:30:43,320
[Lisa] They're about to hump him,
I think.
640
00:30:43,480 --> 00:30:46,880
[Jeremy] This is like a nightclub.
"Pick me! Pick me!"
641
00:30:47,040 --> 00:30:48,200
[Lisa gasps]
642
00:30:48,840 --> 00:30:49,680
-He's on!
-Yes!
643
00:30:49,880 --> 00:30:52,360
-[Jeremy] He's on! Straight away...
-[woman] No, that's a cow. No, "she".
644
00:30:52,520 --> 00:30:54,480
-[Jeremy] What, the cow's shagging him?
-[man] Yeah.
645
00:30:54,640 --> 00:30:57,800
What the hell?
You brought a gay cow!
646
00:30:57,960 --> 00:30:59,400
Why did that happen?
647
00:30:59,560 --> 00:31:00,840
-[woman] Don't panic.
-[Charlie] No, no.
648
00:31:01,040 --> 00:31:01,840
[Jeremy] But that's not gonna work...
649
00:31:02,000 --> 00:31:03,960
They're just sussing out.
They're sussing each other out.
650
00:31:05,360 --> 00:31:07,320
[woman] So all these calves are his.
651
00:31:07,480 --> 00:31:08,960
-[Jeremy] Are they?
-[woman] Yeah. So all the calves--
652
00:31:09,120 --> 00:31:10,560
He's had all these women before?
653
00:31:10,760 --> 00:31:12,640
[woman] Yeah, they're his calves.
654
00:31:12,800 --> 00:31:14,880
[Jeremy] Look, the one
we're really bothered about is Pepper,
655
00:31:15,040 --> 00:31:17,880
right at the back, the one
we really need for him to go and--
656
00:31:18,040 --> 00:31:19,120
Oh, look, he's heading that way.
657
00:31:19,320 --> 00:31:21,240
He's heading for Pepper.
658
00:31:21,400 --> 00:31:23,400
[Kaleb] I think Pepper's weight
is an issue now.
659
00:31:23,560 --> 00:31:25,120
[Jeremy] What, he's not gonna fancy her
'cause she's too fat?
660
00:31:25,280 --> 00:31:26,080
[Kaleb] No, not that.
661
00:31:26,280 --> 00:31:27,240
[laughter]
662
00:31:27,400 --> 00:31:28,240
Well, what then?
663
00:31:28,440 --> 00:31:29,400
Just reasons of getting into calf
664
00:31:29,560 --> 00:31:31,840
that cause
complications when they're too fat.
665
00:31:32,400 --> 00:31:34,160
-[Jeremy] Really?
-[Kaleb] Yeah.
666
00:31:35,080 --> 00:31:37,800
[Jeremy] Are they just going
to get out the wind?
667
00:31:38,000 --> 00:31:40,280
[Lisa] Oh, they're showing him
where the water is.
668
00:31:40,440 --> 00:31:41,760
[Kaleb] They're just showing him
the weak fences!
669
00:31:41,960 --> 00:31:42,760
[Charlie] "Lean there."
670
00:31:45,320 --> 00:31:48,760
[Jeremy] This was a perfect,
happy moment.
671
00:31:48,960 --> 00:31:51,640
But once everyone had gone, I was left
672
00:31:51,840 --> 00:31:54,960
to reflect on what was actually at stake.
673
00:31:55,920 --> 00:32:00,440
We've tried three times now
to get Pepper pregnant with AI,
674
00:32:00,640 --> 00:32:03,640
artificial insemination,
and it hasn't worked.
675
00:32:03,800 --> 00:32:06,520
So this is her last chance.
676
00:32:06,680 --> 00:32:08,720
If he can't make her pregnant...
677
00:32:13,320 --> 00:32:15,040
[sighs]
678
00:32:17,400 --> 00:32:19,280
You fill in the blanks.
679
00:32:21,360 --> 00:32:23,760
[Jeremy] A couple of days later,
I got a taste
680
00:32:23,960 --> 00:32:26,840
of what filling in the blanks
would feel like...
681
00:32:28,280 --> 00:32:31,440
because it was time to take
the first of the restaurant cows
682
00:32:31,640 --> 00:32:33,400
to slaughter.
683
00:32:37,360 --> 00:32:38,400
[Lisa] Aw.
684
00:32:39,320 --> 00:32:40,520
[Jeremy] Do you know which one it is?
685
00:32:41,280 --> 00:32:42,440
-The one at the back?
-Yeah.
686
00:32:43,960 --> 00:32:45,760
[Kaleb] 297.
687
00:32:46,360 --> 00:32:48,320
[mooing]
688
00:32:48,480 --> 00:32:50,320
No, he knows.
689
00:32:55,640 --> 00:32:57,960
[Kaleb] It's always sad
when you have two animals go in.
690
00:32:58,120 --> 00:32:59,920
Like, you know,
when you have thirty...
691
00:33:00,080 --> 00:33:01,960
[Jeremy] That's what you said
this morning.
692
00:33:02,160 --> 00:33:03,800
It's exactly what Lisa said.
693
00:33:03,960 --> 00:33:06,760
When you're taking all the sheep off
it's like, well, you know...
694
00:33:07,400 --> 00:33:09,440
I never feel sad
when I'm taking the sheep off.
695
00:33:09,640 --> 00:33:11,560
[laughter]
696
00:33:11,760 --> 00:33:12,560
-Fucking sheep.
697
00:33:12,720 --> 00:33:13,560
[Jeremy] But even you
don't like doing this.
698
00:33:13,720 --> 00:33:15,840
I don't like doing this bit, no.
699
00:33:20,040 --> 00:33:20,840
Shall we do this?
700
00:33:22,880 --> 00:33:24,480
[clanging]
701
00:33:27,640 --> 00:33:29,280
-Go on, then.
-[Jeremy] Go on. Off you go.
702
00:33:29,440 --> 00:33:31,880
[Kaleb clucking]
703
00:33:40,840 --> 00:33:42,600
I don't like leaving
that other one behind
704
00:33:42,760 --> 00:33:44,560
'cause he's gonna be ever so lonely.
705
00:33:48,920 --> 00:33:52,520
I remember going here with the sheep.
It was just devastating.
706
00:33:53,600 --> 00:33:56,120
I can't imagine it's going to be
much better today.
707
00:34:04,520 --> 00:34:06,960
[sheep bleating]
708
00:34:11,800 --> 00:34:13,600
[Jeremy] Go on, then. Go on.
709
00:34:16,200 --> 00:34:17,360
Come on, cow.
710
00:34:21,640 --> 00:34:23,360
There you go.
711
00:34:24,040 --> 00:34:25,640
[sheep bleating]
712
00:34:33,920 --> 00:34:35,400
-[man] Private kill, yeah?
-Yeah.
713
00:34:35,560 --> 00:34:36,760
-Private what?
-[man] Private kill, yeah.
714
00:34:36,920 --> 00:34:38,480
-Private slaughter.
-Yeah.
715
00:34:38,640 --> 00:34:41,600
Sign and put the date
on the bottom there, please.
716
00:34:43,960 --> 00:34:45,120
[Jeremy] There you go.
717
00:34:45,320 --> 00:34:47,520
-Presumably he's dead already, is he?
-No, he's in there still.
718
00:34:47,640 --> 00:34:49,160
Oh is he? The last time,
when we brought the sheep,
719
00:34:49,360 --> 00:34:51,080
they were dead by the time
we'd done the paperwork.
720
00:34:51,200 --> 00:34:53,680
-You can go and see him.
-No, I'm-- I might do. We'll see.
721
00:34:53,880 --> 00:34:54,880
Yeah.
722
00:34:56,880 --> 00:34:58,640
Let's go and see him.
723
00:34:58,800 --> 00:34:59,760
-Cheers.
-Morning.
724
00:34:59,920 --> 00:35:01,520
Morning. Morning.
725
00:35:05,000 --> 00:35:08,600
[Jeremy] At the dignitas pen,
I met the abattoir boss.
726
00:35:08,760 --> 00:35:10,000
-Good morning.
-[Jeremy] How are you?
727
00:35:10,160 --> 00:35:10,960
I'm well, thanks.
728
00:35:11,120 --> 00:35:14,160
[Jeremy] Who, when I'd been upset
about the sheep on my last visit,
729
00:35:15,480 --> 00:35:18,640
had found just the right words
to make me feel worse.
730
00:35:19,600 --> 00:35:22,040
[abattoir boss] It's a shame
'cause they're nice sheep, aren't they?
731
00:35:23,080 --> 00:35:27,160
[Jeremy] This time round, I was hoping
he'd be a bit more understanding.
732
00:35:29,600 --> 00:35:31,800
He looks a nice wedge of meat,
to be honest,
733
00:35:32,000 --> 00:35:33,120
you know.
734
00:35:37,280 --> 00:35:38,640
[Jeremy] See you, cow.
735
00:35:39,520 --> 00:35:41,480
See you on the flip side.
736
00:35:54,640 --> 00:35:57,480
I just have to remember
he's done his bit for the soil
737
00:35:57,640 --> 00:36:00,280
and he's going to feed a thousand people.
738
00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:04,160
That's why I had him.
739
00:36:06,520 --> 00:36:10,000
[Jeremy] And I'd have to be thinking
the same thing the following week,
740
00:36:10,160 --> 00:36:12,880
when Cow 2 was scheduled to go.
741
00:36:15,080 --> 00:36:19,680
Because the wheels of the restaurant
were now well and truly turning.
742
00:36:21,600 --> 00:36:25,360
Alan and his chaps
were busy with the building work.
743
00:36:26,320 --> 00:36:28,520
And despite my nonsensical
744
00:36:28,640 --> 00:36:31,760
Babe and Subaru brief to Pip,
745
00:36:31,960 --> 00:36:35,640
she'd come up with some offerings
she hoped would hit the spot.
746
00:36:36,760 --> 00:36:39,440
This is ox tongue, which I know,
you know,
747
00:36:39,640 --> 00:36:42,360
there's only two tongue and it's not that
big, so it can't feed that many people.
748
00:36:42,520 --> 00:36:43,560
-Can I have a piece of tongue?
-Yeah.
749
00:36:43,760 --> 00:36:44,640
Go for it.
750
00:36:46,760 --> 00:36:48,480
Mmm. Mmmm.
751
00:36:48,640 --> 00:36:49,920
[Jeremy] What have we got here, then?
752
00:36:50,080 --> 00:36:51,480
[Pip] Just a little egg
753
00:36:51,640 --> 00:36:52,920
and pickles.
754
00:36:53,520 --> 00:36:54,480
[Jeremy] Mmmm.
755
00:36:55,200 --> 00:36:56,880
Mmm, I did it.
756
00:36:57,400 --> 00:36:58,160
Damn!
757
00:36:59,080 --> 00:37:01,040
Whenever anybody tastes
anything on television,
758
00:37:01,160 --> 00:37:03,560
they always go, "Mmm,"
even if it's disgusting.
759
00:37:03,760 --> 00:37:04,640
Yeah!
760
00:37:04,800 --> 00:37:05,880
[Jeremy] And I just did it.
761
00:37:06,040 --> 00:37:07,440
All right. I hope it's not disgusting!
762
00:37:07,600 --> 00:37:10,040
[Jeremy] No, that's really delicious.
I'm gonna try some of this lamb chilli-
763
00:37:10,160 --> 00:37:11,000
-[Pip] Lamb breast.
-Ooh.
764
00:37:11,160 --> 00:37:12,400
-[Pip] Our chilli.
-Mm-hmm.
765
00:37:12,560 --> 00:37:14,000
[Pip] Chilli. A bit of vinegar. Garlic.
766
00:37:14,160 --> 00:37:18,280
Mint. Coriander. Olive oil.
A tiny bit of sugar.
767
00:37:18,440 --> 00:37:19,640
That's just amazing.
768
00:37:19,840 --> 00:37:21,160
-So this is our flour?
-Yeah.
769
00:37:21,360 --> 00:37:22,160
-[Pip] Your beer.
770
00:37:22,320 --> 00:37:24,480
-That actually is beer bread?
-Yeah.
771
00:37:26,640 --> 00:37:28,040
I've never had beer bread before.
772
00:37:28,160 --> 00:37:29,160
-[Pip] Yeah, it's good.
773
00:37:29,360 --> 00:37:31,280
Cor, jeez, Pip, that is so good.
774
00:37:31,480 --> 00:37:33,160
-[Jeremy] And this is whipped pork...?
-Fat.
775
00:37:33,320 --> 00:37:34,600
-[Jeremy] Fat?
-Yeah. I just thought...
776
00:37:34,800 --> 00:37:36,440
It's in all the slimming magazines.
777
00:37:36,640 --> 00:37:37,520
[laughs]
778
00:37:37,640 --> 00:37:39,360
[Jeremy] Right, well,
they're all just amazing.
779
00:37:40,440 --> 00:37:42,880
[Jeremy] More importantly,
it was clear that Pip
780
00:37:43,040 --> 00:37:44,960
could work wonders with a cow.
781
00:37:45,120 --> 00:37:45,920
[Jeremy] Mmm.
782
00:37:46,120 --> 00:37:47,800
-Oh, beef tartare.
-[Pip] Yeah.
783
00:37:48,680 --> 00:37:50,480
OK, that's just wonderful.
784
00:37:50,640 --> 00:37:53,400
It's a beef broth and I've put
a bit of bone marrow in there as well.
785
00:37:54,040 --> 00:37:55,160
Bone marrow is my favourite.
786
00:37:55,400 --> 00:37:57,040
-This is a ribeye, yeah?
-Yeah.
787
00:37:59,440 --> 00:38:00,560
Is that just salt on it?
788
00:38:00,760 --> 00:38:02,560
[Pip] Yeah. A bit of rosemary
and butter.
789
00:38:02,680 --> 00:38:03,520
[Jeremy] Mm-hmm.
790
00:38:04,200 --> 00:38:05,520
-Our potatoes.
-[Pip] Yeah.
791
00:38:05,640 --> 00:38:08,200
They're really good for roasting.
Really nice.
792
00:38:08,440 --> 00:38:09,920
And it all comes on a plate
like this and you just tell 'em--
793
00:38:10,080 --> 00:38:11,080
Yeah, and then everybody serves.
794
00:38:11,200 --> 00:38:13,160
-You just get a piece of meat like that?
-[Pip] Yeah.
795
00:38:13,320 --> 00:38:15,120
[Jeremy] Pip, I think
that's spectacularly good.
796
00:38:15,280 --> 00:38:17,040
I'm really excited now by this.
797
00:38:17,200 --> 00:38:18,840
We're actually going to do it.
798
00:38:19,040 --> 00:38:21,920
["Goody Goody Getter"
by Denise LaSalle playing]
799
00:38:22,080 --> 00:38:26,160
[Jeremy] I now knew that we could make
an exciting menu using stuff
800
00:38:26,400 --> 00:38:29,000
from our farm and from our neighbours.
801
00:38:31,160 --> 00:38:33,880
And that the food would have
a smooth ride
802
00:38:34,040 --> 00:38:36,200
from the prep kitchen to the restaurant,
803
00:38:36,440 --> 00:38:40,400
because the farm track
was coming along nicely.
804
00:38:41,520 --> 00:38:43,160
[reverse alarm]
805
00:38:43,320 --> 00:38:44,960
[music continues]
806
00:38:54,120 --> 00:38:56,120
[reverse alarm]
807
00:38:57,160 --> 00:39:01,120
[Jeremy] You could do with a few more
flashing lights on that thing, Kaleb.
808
00:39:01,280 --> 00:39:03,160
[Kaleb] Remember, we're in construction.
809
00:39:03,360 --> 00:39:05,200
Maybe I haven't got enough.
810
00:39:11,600 --> 00:39:14,560
[Jeremy] There you go, Fuck Trumpet.
Shall we call it a night after this one?
811
00:39:14,760 --> 00:39:18,640
[Kaleb] Yeah. You look like such
an old man right now. It is unreal.
812
00:39:18,880 --> 00:39:21,280
I like the cross-legged
driving position.
813
00:39:21,680 --> 00:39:22,800
[Kaleb] You look like you're sat there
814
00:39:22,960 --> 00:39:24,640
with your glasses on the end
of your nose, cross-legged,
815
00:39:25,160 --> 00:39:27,160
reading a column or something
about how to get it up
816
00:39:27,360 --> 00:39:28,840
in the morning.
817
00:39:30,400 --> 00:39:35,000
[Jeremy] Truth be told, I really had been
feeling like an old man all day.
818
00:39:36,120 --> 00:39:38,160
[lively music]
819
00:39:38,800 --> 00:39:41,440
And the next morning, I found out why.
820
00:39:44,880 --> 00:39:47,360
[sighs] Oh. Not again.
821
00:39:49,520 --> 00:39:51,360
Shit.
822
00:39:55,000 --> 00:39:57,360
[Jeremy] However, because this is a farm
823
00:39:57,560 --> 00:39:59,640
and farms can't just stop,
824
00:39:59,840 --> 00:40:03,120
I decided
to take a leaf out of Putin's book
825
00:40:03,320 --> 00:40:04,480
on COVID precautions,
826
00:40:04,640 --> 00:40:07,320
and set up
a morning meeting with Charlie.
827
00:40:10,640 --> 00:40:12,080
Hi, Jeremy.
828
00:40:12,480 --> 00:40:13,560
[Jeremy] Sorry about this.
829
00:40:13,760 --> 00:40:15,760
You can be Macron and sit down there.
830
00:40:18,920 --> 00:40:20,360
-What have we got here?
-So there are a few things.
831
00:40:20,560 --> 00:40:23,760
We've got some planning stuff
back from the council--
832
00:40:23,920 --> 00:40:25,320
-[Gerald] All right?
-Hey, look who's here.
833
00:40:26,000 --> 00:40:27,160
[Jeremy] G dog!
834
00:40:27,320 --> 00:40:29,000
Are you feeling better?
835
00:40:29,160 --> 00:40:31,800
[Gerald] I reckon!
You know, it's got to be
836
00:40:31,960 --> 00:40:35,400
like this when a dog goes underneath...
[indistinct]
837
00:40:35,560 --> 00:40:36,680
[Jeremy] Are you still positive?
838
00:40:36,880 --> 00:40:39,040
-[Gerald] Yeah.
-[Jeremy] Can we just notice this?
839
00:40:39,200 --> 00:40:42,200
He's in his seventies, positive,
up and about.
840
00:40:42,400 --> 00:40:44,400
In my sixties, positive,
up and about.
841
00:40:44,600 --> 00:40:46,960
Unlike the snowflake generation.
842
00:40:47,120 --> 00:40:50,480
[Gerald] No wonder...
[speaking indistinctly]
843
00:40:53,400 --> 00:40:55,400
[Charlie] I've got some bits for you.
844
00:40:55,600 --> 00:40:58,800
We've got some planning stuff back
from the council.
845
00:40:59,000 --> 00:41:01,200
You know, we put in a prior notification
846
00:41:01,440 --> 00:41:05,360
to say, "Look, we're just gonna build
the farm track"?
847
00:41:05,560 --> 00:41:07,520
Well, they've actually refused it.
848
00:41:07,680 --> 00:41:09,480
They refused a farm track?
849
00:41:09,640 --> 00:41:10,960
[Charlie] Yeah. Because they've said
850
00:41:11,160 --> 00:41:14,440
that it's already begun
and it's not considered reasonable
851
00:41:14,640 --> 00:41:17,960
and necessary for agricultural
purposes within this unit.
852
00:41:20,960 --> 00:41:23,200
[Jeremy] So you can't build a farm track
on your own farm?
853
00:41:23,400 --> 00:41:24,840
No, no. You can't.
854
00:41:25,000 --> 00:41:26,280
[Jeremy] Exactly.
855
00:41:29,560 --> 00:41:30,800
[Charlie] The council won't let us
do any more.
856
00:41:31,000 --> 00:41:32,080
[sighs]
857
00:41:32,280 --> 00:41:33,600
Oh, for fuck's sake.
858
00:41:34,320 --> 00:41:37,840
Have you ever heard of a farmer
being turned down for a farm track?
859
00:41:38,040 --> 00:41:39,040
Never.
860
00:41:39,160 --> 00:41:40,280
[Jeremy] Never.
861
00:41:40,480 --> 00:41:42,560
[Jeremy] So, what about the restaurant?
862
00:41:43,600 --> 00:41:47,480
[Charlie] They cannot know, because
they will find something to stop us.
863
00:41:47,640 --> 00:41:51,440
[Jeremy] No, but everyone
in the village literally does nothing
864
00:41:51,600 --> 00:41:52,640
but spy on us.
865
00:41:52,880 --> 00:41:54,760
[dramatic music]
866
00:41:56,800 --> 00:41:59,360
[Jeremy] Holy cow! Look at this!
867
00:41:59,560 --> 00:42:00,520
They won't stop here.
868
00:42:00,680 --> 00:42:03,040
[Charlie] This is just the first stage.
869
00:42:05,840 --> 00:42:08,360
We always agreed it would be
a couple of weeks, not fucking two days.
870
00:42:09,560 --> 00:42:10,680
The countdown has begun.
871
00:42:10,920 --> 00:42:12,640
[theme music playing]
63505
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