Original subtitles

[theme music playing]

["Shake That Thing" by Winfield Parker playing]

[Jeremy] I was now eager for Alan the builder to start turning

the lambing barn into a restaurant.

But before he could start work,

I had to get approval from the local authority.

[Jeremy] I'm here now to meet

with the woman who runs the planning department

at West Oxfordshire council.

So I'm going to...

She doesn't wanna be filmed.

They're gonna park cameras and sound recorders and everything

and go in there, 'cause this...

this really matters, this meeting.

If I get this wrong, she says no, effectively,

my plan for the year is in tatters.

Yeah, here she is.

Nice to meet you.

Thank you for coming out.

[Jeremy] The meeting, which also included grown-ups

from other departments,

lasted for more than an hour.

And when it was over,

Charlie and I had to work out where we now stood.

[Jeremy] So the man from the business side,

the economic development at the council who we just met,

he's very much in favour of it, bringing loads of people to the area.

-But Joan, planning Joan... -Yeah.

She was very clear: recognise the sensitivity of the site.

[Jeremy] She's worried about the fact

this is an area of outstanding natural beauty,

doesn't like the car park,

doesn't like the mess out there.

I don't blame her, it's awful.

And doesn't like the lavatories.

-I get all that. -[Charlie] Yeah.

As I understood it, her chief concern was:

the locals.

The locals, we've gotta do some engagement.

You have to engage in a positive manner with them, Jeremy, definitely.

[chuckles]

["The Village Green Preservation Society" by The Kinks playing]

[Jeremy] This is the village, a mile or so from the lambing barn,

where my battle would be fought: Chadlington.

[music continues]

It was the people living here who,

after the first season aired,

had been most annoyed by the shop's popularity.

[indistinct chatter]

To try and cheer them up,

I decided to launch Operation Hearts and Minds,

which would begin here,

in my wildflower meadows.

[Jeremy] Morning.

So, what have we got here?

[Jeremy] For the last two years I've been donating

half my wildflower seeds to a horticultural association.

Now, though, I was going to hold some back to give to the village.

This is my favourite bit of the farm, the grassland down here.

And also, how much is that seed if you were to sell it?

[man] Ninety, a hundred pounds a kilo.

A hundred pounds a kilo? So, it's by far the most valuable crop on the farm.

Probably!

[Jeremy] Can we put this down in Chadlington?

[man] It'd be a good spot for it.

-[plane] -Sorry, there's...

The aeroplanes.

This is where my surface-to-air missile battery's going.

[man] I've rarely seen aeroplanes up here,

but they obviously know you're filming today.

They're here all the time.

I think if I shoot one, it won't stop them, they'll think it was an accident.

But if I do two or three, word will get out among the flying community

and they'll have to spend time with their wives.

[upbeat music]

Wave at the neighbours.

Operation Hearts and Minds and all that.

There we are.

There it is. This is my seed.

250 pounds worth of seed there.

[sighs]

Hello?

Is Sue around?

-[woman] Which Sue? -Kott.

No, she's not here.

I've come to give her my seed.

[woman 2] She's not in.

Okay.

Right.

[Jeremy] Eventually, I did find someone who would take my seeds.

Hi.

Are you the gardener here?

Well, no. I'm the chairman of the trustees to the hall.

Ah.

[Jeremy] Right, there you go. Green-winged orchids.

Lovely.

-Black orchids. -Wow!

Thank you very much, Jeremy.

[Jeremy] All right. Thank you. Thanks.

[Jeremy] In truth, though,

the wildflower seeds were just a warm-up act.

If I was going to win over the village, I'd need a much grander gesture.

So I thought of one.

[man] One, two, three.

Perfect.

[laughter and applause]

"Diddly Squat sponsors Chadlington Football Club."

[epic music]

-[Jeremy] It's a good strip. -A really good strip.

[Jeremy] The kick-off whistle blew.

[whistle]

And my inaugural match as a club sponsor was underway.

Chadlington FC vs Chadlington Reserves.

-Go on, Chadlington. -Come on, Chad.

I used to play with all these kids when I was in school.

They used to be the team above us.

-[Jeremy] Have you got a picture? -[Kaleb] I do.

I had long hair then.

-[Jeremy] Another hairstyle? -Yeah.

[Jeremy] You are quite pudgy.

-What do you mean, pudgy? -Porky.

[Kaleb] Oh !

Come on, Chadlington.

[Jeremy] Happily, there was a decent turnout to see the new strip.

[Kaleb] Come on, Chad.

[Jeremy] Including Gerald and his brother.

I mean, the nice thing about these,

this lot, they get this many up here on a bloody Saturday.

-Of course. -No, of course they don't.

One man and his dog.

-[whistle] -That's our ball!

Do you know the way you know all the names

of the Chelsea football players? -Yeah?

[Lisa] Do you know all the names of this team that you sponsor?

-Chadlington? Of course I do. -No, you don't.

I do. It's easy here, right? Supporters, right?

Cooper, Cooper and Cooper.

[laughter]

[Lisa] Name me one.

Cooper, Cooper, Cooper, Cooper, Cooper,

and there's Cooper.

It just makes life so much simpler in the village.

Coopers take over.

[crowd cheering]

Oh! Great save.

[Jeremy] Kaleb, however, was very harsh with his commentary.

[Kaleb sighs] That's bullshit.

[whistle]

[Kaleb] You are fucking joking me!

Get up.

Josh! Get up, Josh!

If you ran Emirates,

is it like this, do you think, when you go to watch Arsenal?

'Cause I'm the sponsor of this team,

and I know how he feels.

-I think it's a little bit different! -No, it's exactly the same.

[Kaleb] No, just a little bit.

[Jeremy] At half-time, the players cracked into the energy drinks.

And Gerald took us on a tour of the clubhouse...

[Gerald speaking indistinctly] ...went off the road on the way home.

[Jeremy] ...where we discovered he was a bit of a local legend.

[Jeremy] It's not you 'cause it's in colour.

[laughs]

Hey, look! There's a K. Cooper in here.

[Jeremy] Of course there is.

[Jeremy] Wait a minute. I'm in the 80s here.

Gerald Cooper.

-[Jeremy] Where are you? -[Gerald] Here.

[Jeremy] Is that you? Still with the same moustache?

[Gerald] Yeah. I'll tell you what, up there...

[Gerald speaking indistinctly]

They were all 22 in there, you know what I mean?

-[Jeremy] God, that's you! -[Gerald] Yeah.

You look like, "I just did "Tiger Feet" on Top of the Pops

and then I played football."

[laughs]

See about Dennis, round the corner.

Look, yeah, that's you. Looking like someone out of Slade there.

[Gerald laughs]

[whistle]

[Jeremy] In the second half, the action came thick and fast.

[whistle]

[whistle]

Oh.

-[whistle] -[Jeremy] Jesus.

[Kaleb] Yeah!

[Kaleb] Aw, wonderful.

[Jeremy] And soon I began to realise that my next purchase as a team sponsor

needed to be a scoreboard.

-So, you think it's what? -[man] Three-one.

Three-one. And you think it's four-one?

-I think it's three-nil. -[woman] It's two-all.

-[Jeremy] Two-all? -No.

It's five-one.

[whistle]

[Jeremy] The final whistle blew

on what had been a good game for Chadlington FC.

Six... Six-one.

But then Chadlington was playing with itself.

[Jeremy] And I just hoped my investment would now bring a return.

Do you think this will win hearts and minds in the village?

[Kaleb] I do.

[upbeat music]

[Jeremy] Whilst I was buttering up the locals,

Charlie was in his office, with its walls dripping in fine art,

working hard on the restaurant planning application.

Jeremy must essentially win over the parish council

because they will have quite a lot of sway,

in sort of supporting the application.

But it's actually West Oxfordshire District Council

that will decide whether the restaurant will go ahead or not.

And the planning process, we have to please a lot of people.

So we've got the police.

We've got the highways.

You know, and highways are really on the farm shop.

The police stop every other day to monitor traffic.

So we've gotta get the access in and out just right.

We've got archaeological surveys.

We've got ecological surveys we've gotta get right.

Oxfordshire county council will, you know,

want to know that it has an economic benefit.

We have to convince the Area of Outstanding Natural Beauty

that it won't be a blot on the landscape.

So we've gotta let them know

where we're planting each hedge and each bush

so there's not light pollution coming across the valley.

It's a huge amount of work and red tape

and we've gotta get it absolutely right.

It's not just something that's plonked,

you know, in the middle of the countryside.

[soft music]

[Jeremy] Meanwhile, back on the farm, Dilwyn the vet paid a visit.

Though, for once,

not because he had to put his arm up an animal's bottom.

No fighting. Come on. Good dog.

Good dog.

[Dilwyn] Look at that!

You can't have a farm and not have dogs.

[Dilwyn] Oh, look at them. Aren't they gorgeous!

[Jeremy] Aren't they? They're sisters.

[Dilwyn] All right.

[Jeremy] And they're fox-coloured Labradors.

-Not many around. -No.

[Dilwyn] No.

Hey then, pups.

-But they're gonna need worming. -Yeah.

-Microchipping. -Yes.

-[Jeremy] And... -Vaccinating.

-[Jeremy] Vaccinating. -Yeah.

[Jeremy] They are simply the most adorable things.

[Dilwyn] Come here!

[Jeremy] I'm gonna roll you over and I'll tickle your tummy. There.

I mean, this is it now, as far as I'm concerned.

Farming's sort of over.

Oh. Good dog. Good dog.

[Jeremy] But, much as I wanted

to spend all day throwing balls for these two,

there was obviously a farm to run.

And, with autumn upon us,

that meant getting next year's crops into the ground.

[soft music]

After the first series of Clarkson's Farm was aired,

I was mocked cruelly by many farmers,

who said that my three-metre cultivator was too small

for my tractor.

Well, they won't be mocking this time around,

because I've got a new one.

[dramatic music]

[Jeremy] This is it.

A huge and complex

six-metre-wide slab of science

and heavy engineering.

Good job I have such a big tractor.

Right.

Job one: lifting.

Up we go.

[engine revving]

Oh! Shit, shit, shit!

Whoa!

Down.

What if I don't lift it up so much? That's the answer, isn't it? Yeah.

All right, let's just try again. Up.

Oh!

Jesus Christ!

What the...

No, this is not good. What the hell?

Christ.

[Jeremy] Predictably, the rural Yoda

chose that moment to turn up.

It won't move!

'Cause you've got 4 tons of machine on the back!

Well, it's... [stuttering]

How does anybody else manage?

You need a front weight, you muppet!

[upbeat music]

[Jeremy] Once Kaleb had attached the weight...

Right, is that gonna stop the problem?

Should be fine.

[upbeat music continues]

[Jeremy] ...I set off to the field.

I've got one and a half tons on the front,

four tons on the back and nine tons in the middle.

This is a heavy rig this morning.

Here we are, at the field.

So what this machine does,

it's not a cultivator like we used to use.

It's certainly not a plough, which is really bad for the environment.

As it...

As it goes along, it encourages all the stuff

like this that wasn't properly harvested last year,

to mix with the soil and start growing again.

Then when it starts to grow, we come along, kill everything,

and then we have a blank canvas

on which to grow next year's crop.

I don't understand it either. But anyway, I know how to do it.

[engine revving]

Lowering.

Here we go.

[upbeat music]

I'm farming!

I just realised, I actually began my farming career in this very field.

And now it's the first field I'm cultivating for 2022.

[music continues]

[Jeremy] And it was all going well.

Until, several runs later,

the tractor started misbehaving again.

[metallic thud]

[engine revving]

Oh!

I can't make it...

How do you make it turn when the wheels aren't on the ground?

What the hell?

[Jeremy] The problem was that as my Lambo gulped through fuel,

the fuel tank was getting lighter.

Which meant that once again there wasn't enough weight up front

to keep the wheels down.

It's just hopeless.

[Jeremy] I decided therefore to get back to the yard

and refuel before things got any worse.

Oh, come on.

[engine revving]

I've got too many revs.

Let's try four-wheel-drive. Yeah, that might help. Let's try this.

[engine revving]

No, no, no! Shit!

It's not better.

How the fuck am I going to get out of here?

Whoopsie-daisy!

Come on, come on, come on...

-[car horn] -[Jeremy] Jesus Christ!

[Jeremy] Clearly, I needed to find a bit of extra weight.

And luckily, some turned up.

No! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Ah!

[Jeremy] Right, are you ready?

Handbrake! Turn the handbrake!

[Jeremy] It's working.

[Kaleb] Oh fuck.

[Jeremy] The next day I should have been doing some more soil titivation,

but there was now a more pressing issue.

Despite my attempts to win over the locals,

I was still receiving a steady stream of complaints.

[Jeremy sighs]

You look stressed.

"With an official snap check estimating over 400 visitors

and known three-hour queues to the Diddly Squat Farm Shop,

the originally small-scale setup has turned into a hand-to-mouth operation

struggling to cope.

This is creating untold social traffic and environmental problems

affecting the local quality..."

That would have took me all day to write that.

[Jeremy] And then they've sent a photograph of that bus.

And they've objected to the bus.

They're objecting there's too many cars.

A load of people come on a bus to the farm shop...

-And they moan about that as well. -They moan about the bus.

I would love to meet these people

who have literally got nothing else to do apart from writing them letters.

I'm that busy, you're that busy.

I haven't got two minutes to sit down at a computer

and write a letter to you.

[Jeremy] Look.

"I'm fed up of everything Jeremy Clarkson."

Honestly, you just go through this...

One man in the village

has started a "Stop Diddly Squat" crowdfunding thing.

I mean, they just...

[Jeremy sighs]

[Jeremy] Since word had now got out

that I was going to apply for permission to open a restaurant,

I decided to get on the front foot

and call a village meeting.

There we go.

What I've written here is a little sign that says:

"As there seems to be some debate about what's going on at Diddly Squat,

Jeremy Clarkson will be at the Memorial Hall

to explain his plans and to take any questions you may have.

Everybody from the area is welcome to attend.

Cheese and wine will be provided."

There was a good complaint

on the official council website the other day saying,

"That so-called farmer at Diddly Squat..."

Fair enough.

"...doesn't actually produce anything on his farm."

Well, I do.

And then someone said,

"That lambing barn has never been used for lambing."

But there's literally documentary evidence that says it has.

You know, this is the level of complaint that just...

That's why I thought I'd do a Q&A, so people could say...

"What are you doing? What are your plans?"

[man] Have you got any anxiety about it?

Well, yeah, I have. 'Cause the lady from the parish council says

that those that are angry are really angry.

I mean, like really angry.

But yeah, it is nerve-wracking.

'Cause I've seen Straw Dogs.

I've seen Local Hero.

You know what a village can get like when it all whips itself up.

Come up the drive with pitchforks.

But I'm trying to... I'll hopefully calm it down.

[birds chirping]

[cockerel crowing]

[soft music]

[Jeremy] The next day, word of the meeting had spread.

And not in a good way.

Um, right, so anyway, the village...

The Chadlington community notice board just in essence

says that I'm the devil,

that the farming show is just the devil's work,

the farm is the devil's house.

So let's see if I can go down there and, um...

[groaning]

Ooh...

[soft music]

I've gone for the 70s wedding look, which I happen to like.

[sighs]

[Jeremy] As the villagers started to arrive,

the cameras had to leave the hall,

because the locals had insisted on no filming inside.

Then, with Charlie and Kaleb's ears pressed firmly against the window

and my personal microphone still switched on,

I waited for everyone to take their seats

and got down to business.

[Jeremy] We were overwhelmed by what happened

when the show first aired,

traffic and mud and chaos and speeding.

Absolute nightmare. I agree.

So how can we make this look great,

bring people to the area so they can spend

but not spoil anybody's life in the village?

[Jeremy] I was hoping my opening words would soothe the waters.

And they didn't.

[man] You have shown no sympathy or empathy

with the people who live in the village.

You described us as morons.

You said, "Every village has one moron, I have six."

[laughter]

I don't want to be called a moron.

I don't think you should do that, I think you should apologise for that.

[Jeremy] I apologise to you immediately.

You don't sound moronic at all. And your points are valid.

Some of the points raised

on the West Oxfordshire district council website,

however, were moronic.

"That lambing barn has never been used for lambing."

"Nothing is produced on that farm."

These things are silly things to say, 'cause we do produce things on the farm.

That's fair enough, innit?

[man 2] But the fact is, ultimately you're not a farmer.

You're a media personality.

But we're not Love Island.

What?

[Jeremy] You're right. I host Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?

And I do The Grand Tour. But the farm is my passion.

[man 2] You don't need an income from the shop.

[Jeremy] No, the farm needs an income.

[man 2] You personally do not need an income.

His pants are definitely down tonight.

[Jeremy] We're not gonna close the shop.

We have to have an income stream for the farm.

-Jeremy's answering 'em, though. -Yeah, he is.

[Jeremy] After the angry locals had vented,

there then came the important question.

[woman] So, you're planning on turning the lambing shed

into a cafe/restaurant/whatever.

[Jeremy] Yes. We now have the cows. Some calves are ready, some heifers.

They'll produce the beef. We have our eggs, our chickens.

So, we're starting to get all the things we need

to be able to have this restaurant.

[man 3] I think what we would like to hear now is your very immediate plans

for tidying up, traffic control and everything.

[Jeremy] We need to talk to highways about getting rid of the cones.

This will be first thing in the morning. It's a hideous eye-sore at the moment.

We've got to put a little car-wash thing so people have their wheels washed

before going back on the roads so we don't have that mud.

Neat wooden signs saying "Please do not park on the verges."

There are a number of things we could do

which would make it a useful and pleasant amenity

that you drive by and go, "That looks pretty."

And I want to get it so it's a great little farm shop

with a great little cafe restaurant.

[man 4] Can we have a V.I.P. pass then?

[Jeremy] Yes. We'll do a V.I.P. pass with a discount.

How's that sound?

[woman] Great!

[applause]

[Jeremy] And on that cheery note, I bid you goodbye.

Right, I'm off. Take care.

Wow!

That was much, much, much better than I thought it was going to be.

He got a little bit of a roasting at the beginning.

There were certain people that obviously went in with an agenda.

Um, but that always happens, doesn't it?

What can I say?

But everyone's entitled to their own opinion, you know.

You have to listen to people, you have to be genuine,

you have to show that you care. And I think he does.

It was a good start.

We enjoyed the opportunity of talking to him.

And that's the most important thing. To engage rather than confront.

[soft music]

[Jeremy] The next morning, as I'd promised,

I set about getting the area around the farm shop tidied up.

Which meant a meeting with Lisa.

We've got to start now.

Get these cones up and gone.

Get that wire netting gone.

All that plastic over there and those crates.

Get those bins hidden.

The litter, which I can see all over everywhere.

It's all got to go.

Look at that manky hay bale. That's just awful.

[Lisa] You say how much hay costs and you want to buy another one!

Look at these cones. "Come to a nice farm--"

They are from the police!

They put them out there.

We've nicked them and brought them in here. Well, I haven't.

Somebody's brought them in here, and is using them,

'cause they're convenient. We can't have convenient.

It's got... Whose idea are those blue signs?

They were just temporary for a day or two.

[Jeremy] But they've been there for three months.

We've got the new signs now to go on the grass verge.

I know. I know, I know.

I know. Do you know what?

I can do this and then we'll have no stock in the shop.

[Jeremy] Listen, it's all very well designing pretty little labels

for things in the shop,

but when you arrive at the shop and it looks like this, it's just awful.

-[Lisa] What are you gonna do about it? -I haven't got time.

You have no idea how much is... I've gotta go...

Today I've gotta go and find out if one of the...

I don't even know what it's called, bullocks or steers,

has got an accidental testicle.

I've got Charlie coming to talk about the new government regulations on...

I'm just swamped.

[Lisa] I can spend my day doing this, but then we will have nothing to sell.

Sorry. You said you'll look after the farm shop, I'll do the farm.

So the farm shop is--

I do breakfast, lunch and dinner as well.

When? What breakfast? What lunch? What dinner?

I cooked my dinner last night. I made sausages and mashed potatoes.

-You did not! -Well, I so did.

I burnt them 'cause the dog shat on the carpet

and I had to clear up the dog shit while cooking.

Your dogs, your shit.

My dogs?

If you wanted dogs, I said "You clean up the shit."

-I did, while I was cooking my supper... -"I'm allergic to dog shit!"

Guess what? So am I.

Honestly.

[sighs]

What a twat.

I mean, it is disgusting.

It was fine during the summer, wasn't it?

And then the rain came. And when it rained, it's fucked.

[upbeat music]

[she groans]

Yeah!

[Jeremy] While Lisa was busy with Operation Tidy-Up...

I ploughed through the endless list of jobs

that farming throws at you.

No, no, wait, wait, 'cause if you're in there...

I'll just climb out. I got stuck in one of these once with a bull.

Why don't you just pull it out?

-It's easier to do this. -It wasn't a very big bull.

[upbeat music continues]

Now, what we've got here is a scrotum and nothing else.

Uh-oh! Shit!

[Jeremy] Oh, it's free. Thank God for that.

[upbeat music]

[he groans]

[Kaleb] Do you want me to do it?

No.

Watch this now.

[Kaleb] Fuck's sake.

[Jeremy] When I did get a spare moment...

This is a period of high volatility...

Charlie always made sure he was there to fill it.

[Charlie] There's some key figures in there, specifics.

That's all down to yield.

So that's the net margin, the whole farm.

What do you mean, "margin"?

Your return is point seven-five of a percent.

Because your costs have changed very little. So why...

Basically, the dark blue line is 2021. So this shows...

Yes.

So this is this harvest, the dark line.

The mainstay of the rotation

obviously is we've got wheat and oilseed rape...

The costs are about the same,

but that extra production has gone straight to the bottom line.

We need to look at the detail.

Sorry. Oh, God. Fuck it.

I have that effect on all my clients.

No, you don't. I'm just knackered. Farming is wearing me out.

[sighs]

[Jeremy] On top of the work pressure,

our little Diddly Squat world was now under the glare of public scrutiny,

with my activities the subject of national debate.

[radio host] Karla in the North Cotswolds isn't far away.

And she says: "This is not the first time

Clarkson has had to placate the locals, especially when he blew up his house.

People are blocking what was once a quiet village

that is not designed for so much traffic.

People wait for hours to get in.

They do not respect the area."

-That is the case against. - [Jeremy] Jesus!

Let's hear from Julie, who's in Scarborough.

[Julie] Good afternoon, Jeremy.

We've been on holiday this week in the Cotswolds.

We drove past and saw all the cars...

[soft music]

[Jeremy] With all this going on,

all I wanted to do was hide myself away in the fields.

So I did.

[Jeremy] I love this part of the day. Heading out in the tractor.

It's just so peaceful.

You know at the end of Forrest Gump,

when Forrest is on his little ride-on mower doing the village green

[with a Southern American accent] in Greenbow, Alabama?

That's how I feel here.

All those adventures I've had in my life, and yet...

I've ended up doing this!

And I love it. I just love it!

Kaleb needs to give this a damned good soaking

with the weed killer, he really does.

'Cause I think spring barley's going in this field this year,

which is important,

because that's gonna be used to make our...

-[crash] -Fucking hell.

I hit the telegraph pole. Shit, shit, shit.

Okay.

Shit.

[sighs]

I've broken it.

That whole...

that's all been bent back.

You can see those are now pointing... They should be...

And I've broken that one.

Shit.

I mean, why have they put a telegraph pole there?

[Jeremy] There was only one way this situation could get any worse.

[Kaleb] Fuck!

-Were you on your phone? -No.

You fucked up big time now.

-Fucking hell! -I did that one as well.

You're such a muppet!

Every time!

I know, I know, I know.

If we straighten that out it's just gonna come off, isn't it?

It will just snap off. You need to straighten the whole thing out.

It'll probably be better to cut it off and re-weld it back on.

-[Jeremy] How good are you at welding? -[Kaleb] You're sorting it out.

-What? -You're sorting that out.

I can't weld!

But you're sorting that out.

Jesus! Look how well... I've done all this this morning.

I've already done half the field!

-You haven't! -I have!

You have not done this field.

I have! I've done half the field.

Why didn't you tell me you had?

It's obvious. You come out here and look: half the field's done!

- You can see... - I couldn't see that.

-You couldn't see the difference? -No.

[Jeremy] We then discussed the electricity board's damaged pole.

You betta ring 'em up and tell 'em.

-They just renewed all these. -I know they have.

Why don't we just ignore it?

It's only superficial. It's done more damage...

I might ring them up and tell them they owe me for a new disc.

"You put a telegraph pole in the middle of my field

and I'm that stupid, I can't go round it, so therefore now you owe--"

It was really foggy. I couldn't see it.

[Jeremy] Shit.

[Jeremy] I thought at this point my humiliation was complete.

But apparently not.

Hi.

-[Charlie] What's the problem? -[Kaleb] Tell him the problem, Jeremy.

[sighs] I've had an accident.

[Charlie] Bloody hell.

-I mean, you've ripped it off! -[Jeremy] Yeah.

[Kaleb] You wrote the machine off!

[Charlie] The problem is,

this isn't ours.

It's only on... This is a demonstrator.

So...

OK.

How much is this thing?

-[Charlie] Twenty thousand quid. -[Jeremy] Oh for fuck's sake.

[cockerel crowing]

["Can't You See" by The Marshall Tucker Band playing]

[Jeremy] With the old cultivator brought out of retirement,

we eventually got the job done.

[music continues]

Then we fired up the drill...

Right, here we go.

[Jeremy] And set about getting the seeds in the ground.

[music continues]

Accompanied, as ever, by the traditional radio exchanges.

[Jeremy] Now it's changed.

The tractor zero-kilometre-an-hour thing

is flashing at me.

You've knocked your fan out, haven't you?

How the fuck can I have done that?

I haven't touched any buttons.

-Where's the fan button? -[Kaleb grunts]

[music continues]

[Jeremy] The weather held, and a few busy days later

all the crops were in the ground.

Well done.

Only one telegraph pole mildly damaged and...

-Yeah, that wasn't me. -I know. That was me.

[Jeremy] Then it was time for a Sunday lunch meeting with Charlie,

who had finally finished the restaurant application.

Think about this.

Everything on that plate was grown at Diddly Squat.

The lamb, the carrots, the potatoes,

the beetroot, the flour for the gravy.

That's spring water.

So that's what the restaurant is all about.

And that's what makes it so exciting. Because, genuinely, it can be done.

-Is this the business plan? -This is the business plan.

And you've done it on two sides of the paper, which is eco-friendly.

-And it's recycled paper. -Of course it is.

[Jeremy] They must be getting loads of these from farmers saying

"We've got to do some changes."

There's a lot of requirement for diversification going in.

But that's the need.

You are going to lose £82,000 worth of subsidy.

We've gotta try and fill the gap.

This is why we're doing it.

-And that's going today? -Today.

I mean, if we don't... If we don't get planning permission,

I'm left up a gum tree,

-a proper sticky gum tree. -I know.

'Cause I'm left with a load of stuff and nowhere that I can sell it

at anything approximating to a profit.

-Correct. -Everything's ready to go,

I just need West Oxfordshire District Council to say

"Good idea."

[upbeat music]

[Jeremy] While the fate of the farm was being discussed here,

in the local red-tape factory...

Come on.

[Jeremy] ...I had to turn my attention back to the cows,

which every night were facing a deadly threat.

[intriguing music]

[ominous music]

-[engine revving] -Fucking hell!

-You can't shoot them. -No.

-Or gas them. -No.

-Or fill in their holes. -No.

[woman] If you get TB

your farm is virtually shut down.

Shit.

[theme music playing]