All language subtitles for Clarksons.Farm.S02E02

[theme music playing]

[pastoral music]

[Jeremy] The day after the cows arrived,
I went to check on them with Kaleb,

who was actually quite excited.

[Jeremy] How old were you
when you started as a cowman?

-[Kaleb] Thirteen.
-Thirteen?

[Kaleb] Thirteen.

-[Jeremy] You love them, don't you?
-Oh a hundred percent.

[Jeremy] Look at that. This is exactly
what we need for the soil.

Now that is full of nitrogen.

That goes into the soil,
and that is good.

Yeah.

And saves us having to put nitrogen on.

-Chemicals on.
-Chemicals, yeah.

-Look who's here. Stranger.
-[Kaleb] Here she is, back.

[Jeremy] Back from Ireland,
over to see the mother.

[Kaleb] Come and look at this turd.

-Welcome back.
-[laughs]

[Kaleb] Cow pat.

You know when they get really hard
you can frisbee them.

Is that a game you play in your rural...

-Yeah. We actually did.
-Oh!

When they get hard,
you can pick them up and frisbee

and whoever chucks it the furthest wins.

How was Ireland?

-It was so good.
-Good.

-I hadn't seen my mum for two years.
-I know.

-I'm so sorry about your dog, Kaleb.
-Oh yeah, yesterday.

I'm so sorry.

Cancer all down the side of his face.
Put him down yesterday.

I've never put down a dog

that is running around
and trying to play.

It was horrible.
He was just... it was horrible.

-[Lisa] I'm so sorry.
-He's in a better place now.

And we'll cheer him up
'cause he likes cows.

[Jeremy] Cows!

[Lisa] No, don't scare them.

[Jeremy] I'm not gonna scare them.
I'm just saying "cows."

There they are.

[mooing]

-[Lisa] Oh.
-[Jeremy] Ow.

[Lisa] Oh, hello.

They smell divine.

[soft music]

[Jeremy] Whilst Lisa and Kaleb
were introducing themselves...

[Kaleb] Look at them, they're so relaxed.

Hey !

[Jeremy] ...Dilwyn the vet arrived.

-[Jeremy] How've you been?
-Yeah, not too bad.

Just sort of having to fight
all the autograph hunters away

and all that type of stuff, but...

[Kaleb calls the cows]

[Dilwyn] Where are we here?

[Lisa] Jeremy?
They're trying to get over the fence.

[Jeremy] What?

[mooing]

-[wood cracking]
-[Kaleb] Oh fucking hell!

[Lisa] Now through the fence.

-[Kaleb] Cows are out!
-[Lisa] Jeremy.

[Jeremy] Oh shit!
They'll be on the road.

[Lisa] Oh my God.

The road is up there
and there's no fence.

-[Kaleb] Go on!
-[Jeremy] For heavens... Please stop.

[Kaleb] Go on!

Lisa, come that side!

[Jeremy] No, they're going back,
they're just...

Oh for fucking hell!

[Kaleb] There's a gate in that corner.
We'll walk them down there.

-Jeremy, go and open that gate.
-Yeah.

[Kaleb] If one goes through,
they'll all go through it.

We just slowly take them down there,
really slowly.

[Jeremy] Got you.

Come on, cows.

[Kaleb] Steady.

Steady.

[Jeremy] Good girls.

[Dilwyn] Yeah, they're going through.

[Kaleb] Good girls, come on.

We've had them a day.

One day.

[Jeremy] Having got the cows back
in their field and mended the fence,

I was worried that they'd be
just as unruly as the sheep,

but Dilwyn explained what was going on.

There's a hierarchy.

-[Jeremy] Really ?
-Yeah, there is.

So there'll be a chief cow in there?

Oh absolutely.

The one that broke through the fence.

-Probably was.
-Probably was.

And they all know
where they are in the...

-Pecking order? Really ?
-Yeah.

And they don't tend to argue then,

and everything goes
really, really nicely.

I never knew that.

So with cows, whichever one leads,

like when they first get here,
"I'm in charge."

-[Dilwyn] Yeah.
-And they just go "OK."

Yeah. And the others
are quite happy to follow.

That's what cattle are like,
that's the herd instinct.

You know, even down to
sort of zebus jumping off a cliff,

or trying to cross the Zambezi,
or whatever.

They'll all stand there saying
"You go first, you go first."

And then somebody says:
"Right, I'm going."

And the whole bloomin' lot go.

So that's why, it's hardwired into them.

[Jeremy] They go under the trees because?

[Dilwyn] They feel safe under there.

They're away from the predators.

[Lisa moos]

[Jeremy] This is Pepper.
The white one.

This is my pet.

The little five-year-old girl, Rosie,
from the farm we bought them from,

that was her favourite.

So she said: "Will you ask Jeremy
to really look after Pepper for me?"

-[Lisa] Ha.
-I don't know. So I said I would.

[upbeat music]

[Jeremy] I'd bought the cows
to reinvigorate my soil.

But because such a small flock
would not be profitable

if I sold it to a butcher,

I'd come up with the idea
of selling the meat

in my own restaurant.

And on that front,
I'd had another brainwave...

chilis!

-Right over here.
-[Lisa] Oh, oh...

[Jeremy] My plan was to grow them
so I could sell chili chutney

in both the restaurant
and the farm shop.

[Jeremy] Clever, eh?

That'll do.

[Kaleb] I'd say it goes like that.

There.

[Jeremy] So Kaleb and I
built two polytunnels.

[upbeat music continues]

And then I had to choose
what sort of chilies to grow in them.

This is a habanero,

which on the Scoville heat scale
scores...

between 150,000 and 325,000,

which means it's pretty damn hot.

Hmm...

That's pretty nice, actually.

Now that was 150,000, thereabouts,
on the Scoville scale.

This one, this is a Naga.

This is 1.3 million.

Oh... OK.

Right.

Hmm...

Hmm...

Oh!

Holy shit!

That's really hot.

Ah! Fucking hell!

[burps]

Oh, excuse me.

That's just some sick coming up.

Oh dear.

Oh my God, what are you doing?

What have you got?

[Jeremy] That might be a bit too hot.
Do you want to try a bit?

[Lisa] Go on then.

What's it called?

-[Jeremy] Naga.
-Naga.

You've got to chew it ten times
before you swallow it,

otherwise it burns your stomach.

Yeah. Oh fuck, that's hot already.

[laughs]

Bit of a kick, hasn't it?

[Jeremy laughs]

Your arse in the morning is going
to look like the Japanese flag.

[upbeat music]

[Jeremy] In the end,
we planted a selection.

Mild, Hungarian habaneros,

eye-watering Nagas,

and completely volcanic Carolina Reapers.

Then, with a bag of ripened Nagas
in the boot,

I went off to create
a Diddly Squat chili chutney.

Sadly I'm not able to do the cooking
in my own kitchen

because the kitchen police
haven't inspected it.

And that's why I've come here.

This is where my boy used to play.

Every Sunday I'd come and watch him
for eight years.

[Jeremy] In the rugby club kitchen,
which had passed the police exam,

I met up with two chili cooking experts.

-[Jeremy] Greetings.
-Tomasz.

-[Jeremy] Tomasz. Polish.
-Yes.

Joanna.

-How are you?
-I'm doing fabulous.

So we're gonna make, I think, for you,

a tomato-based chili sauce

with chunky Naga in it

and some chunky tomatoes,

chunky onions.

-So not completely pureed. Yeah.
-OK.

-So there's a crunch to it.
-[Joanna] Yeah.

We like the flavour of the malt vinegar
with tomatoes.

It just goes so well together.

-What we--
-[coughs]

[Jeremy] Fucking hell!
[coughs]

[Joanna] These chilies
are really, really hot.

Shall we put the extractor fan on?

It is a bit noisy.

[Jeremy coughs]

[Joanna coughs]

[they laugh]

I'm ten feet away from them.

Oh my giddy aunt.

[Joanna] OK.

You're managing to do very well there.

-You're not coughing.
-I know.

Because you're close,
you don't cough as much.

-Really? It's just that I'm far away?
-Try.

[Joanna] What do you think of this...

[coughs]

What we've done is,
we've taken the jars out of the oven

and they're nice and sterile now.

How long does chili sauce keep for?

-So...
-[coughs]

The...
[she coughs]

roughly one year.

[they cough]

[Joanna] OK, more chilies.

-[Joanna] More Naga.
-[Tomasz] More cough.

[Jeremy] How long have you been here,
Tomasz?

Nine years.
[coughs]

Sorry, it's because of the chili.

[laughs]

[Jeremy] How many Poles
do you get through in a year?

-[laughs]
-[Tomasz coughs]

-He's very good.
-And bad.

Sorry.

[laughing and coughing]

[Tomasz] Yeah, and...

[laughing and coughing]

[laughing]

[soft music]

[Jeremy] After that it was a relief
to get back to the cow dung

and my mob grazing soil
rejuvenation plan.

Which requires not only a lot of faeces,

but also a lot of hens.

Come on girls, out you all come.

Come on.

[Jeremy] And as my existing flock
wasn't big enough,

I got more from my egg-producing
neighbours, Mr and Mrs Cacklebean,

who pitched up with a mobile henhouse
that was so state of the art

it even had alloy wheels.

-[Steph] What do you think?
-I'm amazed.

So high tech.

-[Steph laughs]
-No, but it is!

[Jeremy] So they roost...

[Steph] On the bars
in front of the nest boxes.

They should lay eggs in the nest boxes.

[Jeremy] OK. Is this the water tank?

[Steph] Yeah, cold water, so
that goes through to the nipple drinkers,

so they tap the nipples.

What man doesn't like to tap a nipple?

[Jeremy] But they're women.

Some women like to tap nipples.

I've heard!

Yeah, whoever wants to tap a nipple
can tap a nipple.

I once saw it on the internet.

Oh, OK. I hope you cleared
your search history.

-What about the lighting?
-All powered off the solar.

It's good, isn't it?

-So the whole thing is solar powered?
-Yeah.

-Steph?
-[she laughs]

What's that for?

It's a spot for foxes.
Check the outside.

-That's a fox spotting camera?
-Fox spotting camera.

-Has it got laser targeting on it?
-No, that's over to you.

[Jeremy] Could I look at this
on my phone?

You can, to make sure
there's nothing around.

[Jeremy] Steph's husband then arrived
with my 50 new birds.

[shouts]

[Steph] There you go, girls.

[Jeremy] They are beautiful looking hens,
aren't they?

[Steph] Yeah, they are.

-OK.
-That's the way it goes.

[Jeremy] Next we erected the fencing,

which is essential
in a mob grazing enterprise.

[Steph] Yeah, perfect.

So here's the idea.

Cow shit, cow shit, cow shit, cow shit,
cow shit, cow shit everywhere.

Hens come out, peck the worms and...
What else do they eat out of that?

[Paddy] They eat all the bugs.

[Jeremy] All the bugs out of the shit,

and then trample all the cow poo
and their own

into the soil,
making it healthy and vibrant.

And then tomorrow, we move them there.

[Paddy] Yep.

[Jeremy] And bit by bit,
they cover the whole field.

[Paddy] Yeah.

[Steph] It's the way forward.

[Jeremy] I'm gonna open the flap.

Let the eco farming begin.

[Steph] Here they come.

[Paddy] Here they come.
See, they're already grazing.

[Jeremy] Look, it's doing it!

It's actually eating the worms
out of the faeces!

[laughs]

[Jeremy] That's what we're here for.
That's brilliant.

Look at that faeces, what a feast.

He's treading in it, but that's OK.

Tread it, squidge it into the soil.
Go on, squidge.

[Jeremy] Paddy and Steph
had actually dropped off two sheds,

and there was a bit of a surprise
in the second one.

You've got a cockerel shed as well.

-A what shed?
-[Paddy] A cockerel shed.

A shed full of cockerels.

Why am I having cockerels
when they don't produce any eggs?

So the idea is that the cockerels,

you give them life,
which is very ethical.

'Cause most of the cockerels
in this country get killed at a day old.

-A day?
-A day old, yeah.

Hours old.

Hours old.
They're dead.

-What happens to them?
-[Paddy] Most of them get thrown away.

-[Paddy] They're waste.
-[Steph] Waste products.

Are these cockerels that I'm getting
delicious and nutritious?

They're lovely.

-So you can eat them?
-Yes.

You can eat cock.

[Jeremy] Here we go.
The cockerels are arriving.

How many are there again? 25?

[Steph] 25.

Oh, look at you!

-[Steph] He's handsome, eh?
-[Jeremy] Oh yeah.

He is walking the walk.

-[Steph laughs]
-[cockerel crowing]

[Jeremy] This is going to be
my new soundtrack to life, isn't it?

[Paddy] It is.

[cockerel crowing]

[Jeremy] Bloody hell! The racket!

-[cockerel crowing]
-[Steph] The cows are coming.

[Jeremy] Thinking: "Oh no, there's
some small, feathered cows in our field."

[Jeremy] With all this in place,

my soil would become healthy
and I'd have a steady supply of chicken,

eggs and beef for the restaurant.

So I went to bed that night

feeling rather contented.

[cockerel crowing]

[crowing continues]

The next morning, however,
I wasn't feeling quite so contented,

because it turned out the cockerels
were incredible escape artists.

You... They're all out.

All the cockerels are out.

-[crowing]
-Fucking!

[Jeremy] Which meant
they either ended up as fox food...

[Jeremy] The feathers
are everywhere, look.

It's like the killing fields.

[Jeremy] Or they were over
at the hen house,

giving it the full Roger Moore.

Right, come on, girls,
out you all come.

Oh look, look! What!

You are cornered, you're going down.

You're not going down.

Where's that bloody cockerel?

Oh, there's two in here.

No, there's three.

Oh my Christ, it's an orgy!

Stop it! Got it, no I haven't.
Missed it.

Oh shit!

[Jeremy] But leaving aside
the cockerel delinquency,

the cows and the hens
were already making a good team.

Straight into the faeces.

Look, scratching it. Look.

You good hen.

You're gonna get
an eco bronze medal you are.

[lively music]

[Jeremy] Later that day,
I headed to the farm shop.

Greetings, everybody.

[Jeremy] My first batch of chili chutneys
were ready,

and I wanted to do
a bit of customer research.

Anyone here like chili?

-[customers] Yeah.
-[man] I love chili.

Coming through.

[Jeremy] It's like
a 1970s Yorkshire wedding.

[Jeremy] First of all I asked people

to try the medium hot version.

That's good.

-[Jeremy] Good. So you'd buy that?
-I'd buy that.

It's all right. It's quite nice.

-Very nice. I would buy that.
-[Jeremy] Good.

I think we're onto something there.

[Jeremy] Buoyed by this reaction,
I then asked them to try

the not medium version.

Holy shit!

[he laughs]

Fucking hell!

[laughter]

[laugher]

It's ridiculous.

[Jeremy laughs]

Jesus Christ. Oh!

Drink.

[Lisa] I think we're gonna sell
a lot of milk.

[Jeremy] Oh dear. Oh dear.
[laughs]

[Lisa] More milk's on the way.

[soft music]

[cockerels crowing]

[Jeremy] Our new early morning alarm
system was actually coming in useful,

as life with the cows was getting...

much busier.

[upbeat music]

The calves, for example,
were now old enough

to be weaned off their mother's milk,

which meant taking them to another field
on the far side of the farm.

Look at all this new, fresh grass
we have given them.

This is called Cow Ground.

It's one of the prettiest fields
on the farm.

Yes, what do you think of that?

[mooing]

[Lisa] They seem happy enough.

Look at that.
Isn't that a lovely sight?

[Lisa] Yeah.

[Jeremy] Unfortunately, however,

the youngsters didn't share
this romantic view of their new home.

[thunder rumbling]

What is missing from this picture?

All the veals, they've escaped.

A neighbouring farmer
has eight of them

in his yard,

which I've got to go and get back,

but one of them is missing.

And we've got to find her.

That's the veal in a neighbouring
farmer's field.

Bad veal!

This is our neighbouring farmer,
whose fields we are ripping to shreds.

[Lisa] Shall I do the apologies?
He doesn't look very happy...

[Lisa] I'm so sorry.

[Jeremy] I'm sorry about this.

[Kaleb] Sorry. I do apologise.

[mooing]

[mooing]

[Jeremy] I was hoping this would be
a one-off incident.

[lively music]

But it turned out the calves
were even more escape-y

than the cockerels.

Hello, the cows are out.

Fucking hell!

I'm really, really sorry.

[he whistles]

[Kaleb] Two, four, six, eight, nine.

[lively music]

Good.

[Kaleb] I'm really sorry.

All right, Gerald?

They got out again.

Now they're away from their mums,
you'll have a job to keep them in!

[Gerald speaking indistinctly]

I was surprised to see
they wasn't back up there with them.

They decide to just crack
and go through it.

You've got three strands of bush
nearly all round

to keep cattle in, haven't you?

But you know.

[Jeremy] Hold on.

This is their hoof marks.

They've come through here.

Two o'clock this morning,

I get the alarm on the phone,

hen houses have gone wrong,
happens every night at two.

And then six o'clock,

the man operating
that camera's on the phone.

"Your cows are out, again."

God, where are you? Fern!

Cow pat. Faeces. Cow faeces.

There they are.

[soft music]

[Jeremy] Come on, cows.

[Jeremy] There was no doubt
that the early morning cow round-up

was a lovely way to start the day.

[soft music continues]

[Jeremy] Good cows.

[Jeremy] But this was the fourth escape
in ten days.

So I had to do a proper job
of mending the fence in their field.

[Kaleb] Did you repair that?

It wasn't me!

That was you, wasn't it?

That's fucking appalling! Look at it!

I'll grant you
it's not aesthetically pleasing.

[Jeremy] Kaleb then instructed me

on how farmers would typically deal
with this problem.

-That's it and then you hold it...
-You want me to do this?

[Kaleb] Yeah. And then get a post
and hold the post as well there,

and then I'll push that post
in behind this one.

-That make sense?
-No.

It's easy.

There you go.

-Right, and that's gonna go behind...
-This post here.

-That one.
-Yeah.

[Jeremy] So I hold the fence up
with two arms

and then with my other arm
I pick up that new post

and then measure it with my other arm.

Yeah, it's not hard.

[engine]

[grunts]

There it is.

No. You don't...

fucking hell, mate.

This is totally safe, isn't it? Yeah.

I'm sure this is in every manual

on how to stay safe on the farm.

Shit, don't lower it now,
you'll break my arm off.

[Kaleb] I'll hold it with this.

No, Kaleb, I don't like...
That's ridiculous.

[Kaleb] It's fine. Now get the post.

[Kaleb] You ready to hold this fence?

-What?
-[Kaleb] Hold the fence. You ready?

[Jeremy screams]

Ah, fucking hell!

Shit!

Fuck!

-[Kaleb] You all right?
-No.

Oh, hang on.

[shouts in pain]
Oh fuck no! I'm not sure this is good.

[groans]

[pants]

[Jeremy pants]

[Kaleb] Do you want me to ring Lisa
for a bag of peas?

[Jeremy] No.

[Jeremy] This incident reminded me
that it was time to do something

that I'd been putting off forever.

[woman] Hello, and welcome
to Agriculture Health and Safety.

This Lantra course,
developed with HSE assistance,

will help you identify
and manage safety risks.

If you control or manage the farm,

you are legally responsible
for your safety

and that of your employees,
contractors, visitors

and anyone affected by...

...so that lower supporting bails
are stabilised

by overlapping and interlocking
upper bails...

If you're a self-employed farmer,
safety law applies to you.

Compliance with the law protects you,

-makes you much less likely to be hurt...
-[yawning] God.

[woman] ...your boundaries
and mark them on a map.

Do a risk assessment.

You and the contractor
should be aware of these findings.

Provide information, instruction
and training to your employees

if they are involved
in any work with the contractor.

You should also provide
any information to...

[Jeremy] Mercifully,
Kaleb eventually rescued me

from the torture
of Health and Safety instructions

by calling to say our giant
new water tank had arrived.

[Jeremy] 20,000 litres of water.

[Kaleb] Yeah.

Free oxygenated soft rainwater

will come off that roof and into here.

[back-up beeper]

[laughs]

Clown.

[Jeremy] Right.

Just lower that down
and let's see what the levels do.

[Kaleb] Too much.

You reckon that's too much of a lean?

-I don't think it's gonna work.
-What isn't?

We're gonna have to put
a concrete pad down.

[Jeremy] Dream on.

Every bit of concrete in the country
is currently being used by HS2.

They're building a railway

that goes from London to Liverpool
or Manchester or something,

about 12 minutes faster.

It's costing billions of pounds

and it's using every bit of concrete
in Britain.

I mean, who needs a railway?

I've never been on a train,
so I don't need a railway.

-What?
-I've never been on a train.

Never.

-That's not possible.
-Prove it. How...

Have you lived me?

Have you been me? No.

[Jeremy] I couldn't argue with that,
but I wasn't wrong about the concrete.

So the next day we decided
to relocate the water tank

to the other side of the barn.

[Jeremy] You've got that

but then there's a thing
that goes on top of it, yeah?

I think I've worked it out.

[Jeremy] Job one was to fit
all the components

which go on the top of the tank.

So Kaleb suggested I fire up
the farm's scissor lift.

[back-up beeper]

I once went up in one of these--
Oh fucking hell!

[woman] Welcome to module two.
Falls from height.

[snoring]

No !

-[Jeremy shouts]
-[Kaleb laughs]

-[alarm]
-It's not gonna let you down now.

-It's made-- Stop doing that!
-[alarm]

[Kaleb laughs]

[Kaleb] Now go up!

No, down!
Why won't it go down anymore?

-[Kaleb] I got you, go back up.
-Oh fuck off!

[Kaleb laughs]

Go and get a ladder.

-This is fine, look.
-It's not fine!

-[clanking]
-[Jeremy] Ow!

I hate this thing.

-[Jeremy] Are you sure you've got it?
-Yeah, yeah.

[Kaleb] You get that end
and I'll get this end.

[Jeremy] Moaning about the weather.

Stop it, stop being a twat.
Back up.

Forwards.

[Kaleb] What do you mean, forwards?

Is that it?

It's not on yet.
One minute, I've got it.

There you go, that's on.
I'm on.

-Come on, push.
-I am pushing.

No, push like a man,
not like some little baby goat.

Get this off first of all.

Have you...

Oh fucking hell!

-[Kaleb groaning]
-You in?

[Kaleb] Yeah.

-Don't knock me off.
-[Kaleb laughs]

-[Jeremy] There.
-There, we're on.

[Jeremy groans] Fucking hell.

61 years old, having to do something...
'Cause how old are you? 23.

-It's your show.
-[Jeremy laughs]

[Jeremy] Oh, is it? Everyone get that?

-Everyone hear that?
-[Kaleb laughs]

[cockerels crowing]

[upbeat music]

[Jeremy] It was now time to ensure

a steady supply of beef
for the restaurant,

which meant getting the cows
that weren't pregnant... pregnant.

And since this would mean
inserting things in them,

Kaleb said I'd need to invest
in a contraption called a "crush".

-So the cow goes in...
-This side.

-Goes in there.
-Yeah, walks through.

And then its head come...
Where does its head go?

-Oh, it's in there.
-There, look. That comes out, actually.

-[Kaleb] That bar there, yeah?
-Yeah?

[Kaleb] That goes in here
to jam their arse up.

[Jeremy] Holy shit...

Max Mosley would have paid a fortune
to have a go in this.

And then that comes in like that
and jams their head in.

What? How much does this weigh?
Is it very heavy?

You need the loader.

Here's the thing,
if I'm gonna set this up,

it's gonna take me half an hour.

And then if you're gonna help,
it's gonna take us an hour.

-It won't take you an hour.
-[Kaleb] It will.

I'm going to use the loader
this morning.

[Kaleb] Gently.

[Jeremy] Once I'd got
the crush into position,

we had to build the pen
that attaches to it.

Ready ?

Fuck!

Ow, fucking hell.

[Kaleb] Such a wimp.

What do you mean?
I'm carrying on with my work.

[upbeat music]

-Is this big enough?
-Yeah.

We don't want them too spaced out.
You want them all crunched together.

This is quite cool.
You've actually got a good one here.

-Good.
-[Kaleb] How much did it cost?

[Jeremy] £10,000 this was.

Fucking hell!

I know, I know.

[Jeremy] With the pen assembled,
we went off to round up the cows.

Dunno how I feel about you
walking with a stick.

[Jeremy] I like it.

It makes me look like a...
I'm starting to feel farmish.

You know, I'm starting to understand
little things about the countryside now.

That's the problem.
You only understand little things.

[Jeremy] Aha, I've found them.

I love this.

They don't look surprised or frightened,

or intimidated in any way
when you approach.

They just stare.
Look at Pepper over on the left there.

They're like six-year-old kids
when you walk into a classroom.

You know a six-year-old kid,
and a grown-up walks in...

They're not frightened.
Exactly that.

-That's Kaleb's cow impression.
-Ready?

Here we go.

[Kaleb] So let's just gently
walk them round.

Come on then, steady.

[Jeremy] Go on, Mooties.

[Kaleb calls the cows] Steady.

[Jeremy] Go on.

-Ah, Dilwyn!
-[Dilwyn] Yeah.

[Jeremy] They actually want to go
in the crush.

[Kaleb] Oh my God!

[Jeremy] That is easy.

We never managed this
with the sheep, did we?

[Jeremy] Even though we'd rounded up
all the cows,

it was just the two young heifers

that Dilwyn would be artificially
inseminating.

And today was just part one
of the procedure.

So it's just Deeny and Pepper
that you need?

Yeah, I'm bringing them on heat,
basically.

I'm gonna put a progesterone-releasing
intra-vaginal device

into the vagina,

and then, when we take it out,

that'll bring them on heat and then
you can serve them with AI after that.

[lively music]

[Jeremy] Dilwyn said the easiest way
of tackling the job

was to run all the cows
through the Max Mosley machine

until we got to the heifers.

[Jeremy] Go on, in you go.

[Kaleb] Go on. Give it one.

Come on.

It's like working with Gandalf.

[Kaleb laughs]

[Jeremy] Come on.

[Kaleb] Go on then. Go on!

[Jeremy] Come on, in you go.

No. Now they've all escaped.

Oh, on the head.

Bring them all round again.

[Kaleb] Go on!

Stop him.

[Jeremy] Come on. No.

Not that way.
Wrong, wrong...

[Jeremy] Go on. Go on!

-[Kaleb] Go on.
-[Jeremy] Go on cows!

Go on! That way.

Go on! Go on!

[mooing]

Bribery.

We've tried the stick.
Now we're using the carrot.

[Jeremy] Backing up. It's backing up.

Yeah, it's now fully reversed
back where it came from.

They don't like the crush.

What about money?

-What?
-Oh, I don't know.

I mean... I'm so cold and wet

and unhappy.

I can't...

[Jeremy] My cows
are as disobedient as my sheep,

it's pouring with rain,

my shoes are covered in excrement.

I don't know why I find this funny.
[laughs]

It's because you've never experienced
boating in the Mediterranean

or eating an agreeable pasta...

Let's just make this a bit smaller.
Grab that one there.

Jeremy, grab that.

-[Jeremy] Go on!
-[Kaleb] Go on!

Go on!

[Jeremy] Mercifully we finally got Deeny
into the crush.

So I've gotta put my hand in her,
just to check that she's all there.

[Jeremy] I wouldn't do it now.
She's cleaning the... What do you mean?

[Dilwyn] That she's got a womb
and ovaries.

[Kaleb] That sounds like a balloon,
and I'm terrified of balloons.

[Jeremy] Terrified?

Massive fear.
You have no idea.

Wouldn't go in a room
if there was a balloon there.

-[Jeremy] Really ?
-Yeah.

Shit scared. Like...

Don't tell anyone that.

[Dilwyn] I'll see if she's all there.

[Jeremy] This is like a prostate
but on an industrial level.

[Dilwyn] All about...

[Jeremy] Holy mother...

There's a womb.

Which is good.

She's fine.

She's got all the bits?

[Dilwyn] Yeah, she has.

[Jeremy] What the hell's that?

[Dilwyn] That's the shit.

[Jeremy] I thought you went
in its vagina.

[Dilwyn] I did it rectally.
So basically I go in rectally.

And I can feel the uterus
from the outside.

-So you've got to go up the back door?
-[Dilwyn] Yes.

[Dilwyn] So now I'm gonna put
the pred in.

That's impregnating the progesterone.

It's one of the sex hormones.

So this will cause the ovulation
to start?

Well, taking it out will.

That will start the next cycle.

And how long is it gonna be in for?

-A week.
-OK.

[Jeremy] Here we go, the triangle
of procreation is on its way.

[Dilwyn] Yeah. I would have thought so.

[Dilwyn] Wow wow...

There you go. Go on.

[Jeremy] Go on! Go on, yes!

[Jeremy] Finally it was Pepper's turn.

Calm down, Pepper, there's a good cow.
I like this one.

[Dilwyn] There. Yeah, she's fine.

Right, release the cows.

So we've herded them
all the way round here,

put them in here,
shouted at them for an hour

and then released them
and they've got to think, "Why?"

[Jeremy] Look, she's holding her tail up.

Oh, Pepper!

[Jeremy] As we now had to wait a week

until the artificial insemination
could happen...

[upbeat music]

[Kaleb] Ready ?

[Jeremy] ...Kaleb and his brother Kieron

set about repairing
the cow fence properly...

whilst I decided to catch up
on some maintenance jobs.

Right, now then.

Up, up and away.

[Jeremy] Starting with the unruly hedge
opposite Gerald's house.

Hedge clipping.

Yes.

Lovely, lovely.

All right Gerald.

The G-dog is going to be dead chuffed

that I've been out
and sorted his hedge out for him.

[Gerald] Jesus fucking Christ.

Oh Jeremy!

Christ now turn that machine off
or else it's gonna take that hedge out,

for God's sake.

That wasn't the hedge that...
[indistinct]

[Gerald speaks indistinctly]

[Kaleb] Fucking hell!

What the fuck is he doing?

Look at that.
He's missed all the brambles!

I told him to start from the bottom
and then work up.

[Gerald] That's like putting
a tee-shirt on your back

to make some bloody holes...
[indistinct]

If you was a pigeon...
[indistinct]

Here you are, mate, tell him off.

I said...
[Gerald speaks indistinctly]

[Gerald continues speaking indistinctly]

You're not happy, then?

Right, well that's me sacked then.

I honestly didn't think
I was doing that bad a job.

[lively music]

[Jeremy] Seven days
after Dilwyn's visit,

it was pretty clear that the heifers
were now on heat.

[lively music continues]

[mooing]

[Jeremy] Don't do that, it's disgusting!

I know some of you

will have been concerned
the other day,

when Dilwyn the vet
put his entire arm inside...

inside the heifers, but really,

there's no need to worry
because the next morning

I got a photograph, not a very good one,
but a photograph nevertheless,

of Deeny the heifer who was...

touched.

And...

There's a photograph.

She just walked into the crush
all by herself.

[laughs]

"Where's that Welshman with the glove?
Where is he?

If you stand here it's quite nice."

Anyway, we've gotta
make them pregnant now.

Come on cows, time to be made pregnant.
Well, two of you.

Go on. Go on.

Go on.

[Jeremy] That meant once more
herding them towards the crush.

Go on. No, no, no, no.

Stop it!

Go on.

[Lisa] Come on, girlies.

[Jeremy] Have you seen
the amount of sex that's going on?

It's like being at a sixth form party,
this is.

Oh shit, did you see that?

They're being driven mad by lust.

[Jeremy] As we finished
getting them into the pen,

Charlie, Dilwyn and Tim the cowman
arrived with the gentleman juice.

-Is that seriously all sperm?
-No.

[Charlie] There's liquid nitrogen
in there as well.

-[Jeremy] Oh, so keeping it cool.
-[Tim] To keep it cool.

[Jeremy] After once more demonstrating
my new herding skills...

No, stop.

Stop.

[Jeremy] We got Pepper into the crush
for her semen injection.

[Dilwyn] That's a straw.

[Jeremy] That's a straw.
I don't know what a straw is.

-[Lisa] Syringe.
-[Jeremy] One syringe.

It doesn't look like there's that
much sperm. Is it just that tiny bit?

[Jeremy] Is it 10cc?

[Dilwyn] Less than that.

No, it's the average amount
a man ejaculates.

That's why the band was called 10cc.
Did nobody know that?

[Charlie] No.

[Tim] Then your straw goes in the gun.

[Charlie] In the gun?

-[Tim] In the AI gun.
-[Charlie] AI gun.

This is actually
quite an exciting moment.

And you put it down your back
to keep it warm.

What?

[Jeremy] I see,
while you put on the Heriots.

[Tim] You put on the Heriots.

Then...

[Lisa] What are you feeling for?

[Tim] Right, I've got the cervix
in my hand now.

Now she's straining on my hand.

-So it's gotta to through the cervix?
-[Lisa] Yeah, right in.

[Tim] And then,
as it come through her cervix there

and just slowly let it go.

[Lisa] Release.

[Tim] Go on, girl.

-[Charlie] Good.
-[Jeremy] Come on Deeny, in you go.

You like it in there.

[Jeremy] So, my beef supply
was now up and running...

[Dilwyn] Two heifers
potentially pregnant.

[Charlie] Thank you very much.

[cockerel crowing]

[Jeremy] ...the eggs were coming
thick and fast...

[Jeremy] It's a good haul this morning.

[Jeremy] ...and the chili chutney
was in production.

So things were looking good

for my new low-miles,
eco-friendly restaurant.

All I had to do now
was win over the locals.

Didley Squat sponsors
Chadlington Football Club.

It's a small village and I just thought
rather than have them all gossiping,

I'd go down and explain
what we're doing.

[man] You described us as morons.

You said "Every village has one moron,
I have six."

[laughter]

[theme music playing]