Original subtitles

♪ ♪

Look at us, walking to school.

Walking so fast. A little too fast.

- Let's slow down. - Thank you.

Sorry, I'm just so excited to be working at your school today.

Helping out in the front office.

Doing my once-a-year parent volunteering.

Once a year seems like one too many times, if you ask me.

It's important to help out.

And also, they make you feel really bad if you don't do it.

But I like it. Hanging out in the office,

copying, stapling, officing.

Hey, we should have a little secret code

to say hi to each other.

- We could wave, like this. - Okay.

Very secret. You sure you're not CIA?

Ugh, I wish Mom could be at school all the time.

Wait, Mom, how many grades would you have to flunk

to be back in my grade?

- I don't know. Thirty? - Okay, get on it.

Linda, good morning.

Good morning to you, Ms. Selbo.

Welcome back to the nerve center of the school.

Or nerd center, with some of these kids.

- Ha! Aw, nerds. - Yeah.

Anyway, today, I would love your help

- stuffing these envelopes. - All right.

- You need me to copy anything? - No, that's okay.

The last time you volunteered here, you--

Well, you're kind of a hard button pusher.

- (banging) - Two. Zero. Copy.

Yeah, they just popped right off.

- Those buttons. - Not really.

And, of course, if you want any coffee

from the teachers' lounge, help yourself.

Before Coach Blevins fills up his

"everybody look at me" huge thermos.

Ooh, teachers' lounge coffee.

- Yum. - Well...

So yeah, I'm volunteering today.

- That's great. I'm not. - (laughs nervously)

(humming)

MS. SELBO: And you think Louise Belcher stole it?

- What? - FROND: Yes, I do.

I can't prove she stole the toy. I just know she did.

It's so Louise to take a-- what's it called?--

the thingy you mash and it shoots up like a missile.

MS. SELBO: A mash missile?

LINDA: My Louise, a thief? Not my Louise.

Maybe my Louise. No, no. Not my Louise.

Well, I'm off to my counseling seminar.

It's on executive function.

And it's a luncheon.

It's an executive function luncheon.

- Gotcha. - But when I'm back this afternoon,

I'll skillfully question Louise, she'll confess,

and then we can move on with our lives.

- What if she doesn't confess? - She will 'cause she did it.

And if she doesn't, she still did it.

'Cause I can't file away this incident report

until I have a name.

Oh, and I put the incident report in this thing.

Did you know we had these? With the little string?

They're fun.

Hey, Bob, I was at the pie place,

Just One of the Pies, and they had a promotion

where people put their business card in a bowl,

and then they pick one and the winner gets a free lunch.

- You should do that. - Uh, yeah. Maybe.

I could be the first to enter.

Is this your business card that you hand out to people?

Yeah, I mean... it's a little old.

You don't like it? What's the matter with it?

Well, it says "The Handy Hubby."

And "Hubby" is crossed out.

- So it just says "The Handy." - Yeah, well, I was married

when I had those made, then I wasn't.

And-and also, I can't read your phone number.

Yeah, 'cause I changed my phone number

and I wrote in a new one, but the pen was smudgy.

You wrote your new number on every card?

Well, I'm not gonna get them reprinted.

We're not all millionaires, Bob.

I mean, Teddy, I don't think you want a card

that says "The Handy" and then a phone number written in pen.

- It may be time to get new cards. - It is?

I think they're not expensive nowadays.

You could probably do it online.

Let's do it! You got your laptop?

Oh, I didn't know I was gonna be involved.

I need you, Bob. I need your artistic eyes.

Plus you can help me not get hacked.

- Why would you get hacked? - I don't know.

Oh, wait, it's your laptop. You'd be getting hacked.

- So, are you gonna go get it, or what? - Oh, my God.

LINDA: Frond's already decided Louise stole that kid's toy.

But did she?

Mmm. That is a good-tasting envelope.

Psst. Hey, Mom. Remember? Our code?

- This means I'm saying hi to you. - Hi, Tina.

I'm going to the nurse's office for a Band-Aid.

I scraped my knee. Skirt life, am I right?

Mm-hmm. Oh.

- Uh, back in a sec. - Okay.

- (quietly): Tina. - Yeah?

Listen. I got a question about Louise.

- Hey, guys. - (shushing)

Shh. We're whispering for some reason.

Fun. Need anything from the bathroom?

Up-bup-bup. Hold on.

I can give you maybe 30 seconds.

Do you two know anything about a mash missile getting stolen?

Oh, yeah. Jason Jeffers' Burobu mash missile.

Wait, Burobu? Like that thing Louise is into?

I thought those were only trading cards.

I think they make different toys, too.

And they might have their own line of salsa.

Oh, boy. Do you think Louise stole it?

- What? No. - Yeah. No, right?

Yeah, probably not. But, I mean...

She is a mischievous little minx.

- Yeah. - But no. Probably.

So... you haven't,

like, seen her with a mash missile

or hiding a mash missile or anything?

This is definitely past 30 seconds.

I mean, this morning, Gene and I were with Louise

at her locker, and it was pretty empty.

And so was her backpack.

That's good, that's good.

Her backpack was really empty.

Like, man, fourth graders do not get a lot of homework.

- It's coming, fourth graders. It's coming. - (groaning softly)

- Okay. Kids, go. Gene, go. - I already did a little.

Knock, knock.

Hi. I need to borrow Louise a sec.

I just need to give her her... lucky pencil.

You don't have to talk about it this much.

Let's see this quote, unquote lucky pencil.

Listen, I don't know

how else to ask this, so I'm just gonna ask.

Jason Jeffers' Burobu mash missile that went missing.

- You didn't take it, did you? - What? No.

- You're sure? - Yes.

Okay. Then I... believe you.

Well, you should believe me.

I'm also slightly hurt you'd think

I'd do that in the first place.

I mean, I'm a spunky kid, but a thief? No, ma'am.

I know, I know. And I was also a spunky kid.

I, uh, borrowed stuff from stores, you know?

I set a few fires, I get it.

- Geez, Mom. - Not big fires. Just small ones.

Well, one got big. But it started small.

The point is, I understand. You can tell me if you did it.

Mom. I'm telling you I didn't do it.

Even though it was Burobu, your favorite thing.

Yeah, I love Burobu. Cards.

But the Burobu mash missile is duh-umb.

It has nothing to do with the cards or the world.

Right. Okay. Too dumb for you to steal.

Wait, why are you asking me this, Mom?

Does someone think I did it?

No. No. No. No. No.

Okay, you just said "no" so many times.

- I love you. Goodbye. - Hey, you're pushing.

- You're pushing - Go, go-- Hi! She's back.

So Louise is innocent.

But Mr. Frond is gonna try and pin it on her anyway.

Unless... I can prove she's innocent

before Mr. Frond comes back.

Okay. Yeah, that could work.

- You can do this. - Thank you for the encouragement.

BOB: So, Mr. Frond thinks Louise stole the mash missile thing?

- Yeah. - BOB: But she didn't.

And I'm gonna prove it.

Right. You keep saying that like that.

But also, it's definitely something

she could have done, right?

No.

I mean, maybe?

Oh, definitely maybe. But no.

You said it was a Burobu thing, right? She loves Burobu.

Yeah, but she doesn't like this Burobu thing.

And Tina and Gene said

that the mash missile wasn't in her locker.

And it wasn't in her backpack, Mr. Quick to Judge.

You know, we're lucky I'm working here today.

I can crack the case from the inside.

- Um... - Now I just need to get rid of Ms. Selbo.

That doesn't sound good.

Shh. It's fine. Love you. We never spoke. Goodbye.

Back from the teachers' lounge again.

Mmm, coffee, right? So brown.

You sure are staying caffeinated.

Yeah, um, to be honest,

Ms. Selbo, you're looking a little groggy.

- Oh. That's fun to hear. - Yeah.

I guess I could use some terrible coffee.

Mm-hmm. I'll-I'll watch your desk.

- Okay. - No rush. Take your time.

Drink it there. It's a nice atmosphere.

- Is it? - Uh-huh. (tittering)

Oh, this is a good envelope.

"Burobu mash missile belonging to Jason Jeffers..." Mm.

"Last Tuesday, recess, on the grass,

put it down and it was gone."

- GENE: Hey, Mom. - Ah!

I just found something I wanted to give you.

- Okay, what? - (blowing kiss)

Yeah, yeah. You, too. "Possible suspects--

parentheses-- the usual baddies."

Some names.

"Louise hearts Burobu equals Louise did it."

- Unbelievable. - Ooh, that's gritty.

- Gritty coffee. - Crap.

Oh, no (grunting)

And stuff. And st--

Oh, stuff. Oh, hey, you're back.

Yup. Am I perky enough for you now?

Yeah, sure.

Okay, I've got some suspects.

I need to start eliminating some names.

How do I do that?

Oh! Ms. Selbo?

You know what I've always wanted to see?

Uh, the list of who's absent and when.

You want to see that?

Yeah. I love all that behind-the-scenes stuff.

- This? Y-You want to see this? - Yeah. Wow.

There's that name. And there's that name.

So interesting.

You're kind of bumming me out, Linda.

Have you never seen interesting things before?

Oh, this looks easy.

Just got to type in my info. Ugh, my name.

I don't have a good business card name.

What do you mean "good business card name"?

You got a great business card name. Bob Burger?

It's not Bob-- (sighs) Oh, my God.

Do you want to change your name?

I don't know.

I bet I'd get more business if my name was, like,

- Jim Thunder or something. - I'd hire Jim Thunder.

Maybe not to do my taxes. Or do heart surgery.

- But anything else. - BOB: Mmm.

Although, would Jim Thunder be a handyman or something cooler?

Like a bounty hunter. So maybe I could be

- Jim Thunder Bounty Hunter. - (cell phone buzzing)

- I don't see why not. - Hi, Lin.

The kids on Frond's incident report that aren't Louise,

they were either absent or they have an alibi.

You're allowed to look at the incident report?

Probably not. But one kid was out sick,

one kid was at a club meeting, another kid had a sports thing.

What? How do you know all that?

It's all written down.

Also, if Ms. Selbo ever asks you,

I really love filing systems and lists of names.

- Okay... - I'm at a dead end here, Bob.

Well, maybe it's somebody else that liked Burobu?

Or... it's Louise.

Yes. Right, good idea.

Not Louise. But yes. Burobu people.

Okay, I got to go save our kid. Bye.

All right, bye. I'm doing important stuff, too.

Slow, no bouncies, please and thank you.

(groans) Got all of that one.

- Attaboy, Rudes! - (Rudy panting)

Hi, kids. Uh, Louise, let's, uh, talk.

- Okay. - Listen, I've been trying to clear you,

but all I'm finding is kids with perfect alibis.

Who else likes Burobu?

Mom, you're asking the wrong question.

The mash missile is offensive to Burobu fans.

We hate that thing.

Oh. Maybe a Burobu kid destroyed it.

Maybe they didn't want it. They wanted to murder it.

I don't know, man. I can't think of anyone

who would want to waste their time on that cheap,

stupid, sticky, stinking hunk o' junk.

- COACH BLEVINS: Louise, you're up. - Mom, I got to go.

I have a ball to kick. Also, I'm innocent, by the way.

Oh, yeah, that is a big thermos.

- What? - Oh, nothing. Play balls!

Eh, so many options.

Yeah, I want to say, too many? You know what?

A mechanic gave me a card one time.

He was not a good mechanic, but the card was great.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I'm gonna go get it.

Okay, you want to teach me how to cook

- in case someone comes in? - What? No.

But if they say they need food right now,

- I'll go in there and give it a shot? - Teddy, no.

Might as well give me your apron, just in case.

No. No, thank you.

Ha. Got it. Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

Tina and Gene said the mash missile

wasn't in her locker.

And it wasn't in her backpack, Mr. Quick to Judge.

(Linda's voice echoing)

I mean, I guess I could just peek

in Louise's room since I'm here.

Just tilting the door open. Not even going in.

Maybe going in a step or two.

Please don't let darts hit me in the face. Huh.

LINDA: Okay, checking out the incident report again.

Stuff, stuff, stuff.

Victim statement. Jason went to lunch.

He ate his peanut butter and honey sandwich.

Then he took his toy out of his locker,

brought it to recess, put it down on the grass,

stepped away, and then it was gone.

Wait a minute.

Peanut butter and honey sandwich.

Sticky fingers. Sticky.

I can't think of anyone who would want to waste their time

on that cheap, stupid, sticky, stinking hunk o' junk.

(echoing): Sticky, sticky, sticky...

LINDA: How would she know the toy was sticky?

- (gasps) Hi, Bob. - Hey.

So, the thing that went missing was a Burobu

- mash missile, right? - Yeah.

Well, I went into Louise's room.

Did a giant ball roll down and crush you?

Surprisingly, no.

But on her desk was a Burobu Magazine,

and the one page

that was dog-eared in it

had a picture of the Burobu mash missile.

Oh, crap. And she said "sticky" to me.

- Huh? - It's a long story,

- but it's bad news for Louise. - BOTH: Crap.

Hey, did you ask Linda about the whole Jim Thunder thing?

You're not a Jim Thunder, Teddy.

- Crap. Crap. Crap. - Oh, no, Linda, what's wrong?

Uh, that was my husband.

His... hat fell off.

- Oh. - Yeah. Husbands with their hats.

Stay single, I say.

Well, then. I'm gonna eat my leftover soup.

- Aw. - It's not sad. It's just my lunch.

Oh, is it lunchtime? For the kids, too?

It is.

They need to eat every day, as it turns out.

Be right back. Enjoy your not sad leftover soup.

It's just regular soup.

- Hey, kids. - Oh, hey, Mom.

I have been saving this seat for you for years.

Would you guys mind if I spoke to Louise privately?

- Okay. - (Gene and Tina grunt)

- Is this good? - A little more.

- (grunts) - She's here one day.

Louise, look.

Now would be a good time to tell me the truth

about taking the mash missile.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, Mom.

Why am I still being accused of this?

And also, I told you the truth.

And you can tell it's the truth because it's the truth.

Well, why'd you fold over the page in your Burobu Magazine

with the mash missile on it?

Wait, how do you know about that?

Did you search my room?

- No. Your father did. - What?

- Did he get booby-trapped? - He didn't, actually.

- Must've been a malfunction. - Wait a minute.

- This is a private conversation. - Sorry, sorry.

- (both grunting) - First of all,

I'm between booby traps right now.

Second of all,

I folded that page because of an ad

for the special Slug-i-cane collector's pack.

Not because of a mash missile,

which I keep telling you I didn't steal.

It's getting less private, with all the shouting.

I think we're running out of table here.

- I'm half-cheeking it. - Okay, well.

When you were in PE, you said the mash missile was sticky.

Jason Jeffers ate a peanut butter and honey sandwich

before he took the toy out of his locker.

How would you know if it was sticky unless you took it?

Because his hands are always sticky.

That's his thing.

Kids in our class literally call him Sticky Sticky Jason.

Louise, I can't tell if you're lying to me,

because now I'm realizing you are really good at lying,

better than I thought,

and I thought you were pretty good at it.

Okay, I think we're done here.

Tina, Gene, storm off with me?

- Oh. Um... - I mean, I was done anyway.

Would the last few bites of my mac 'n' cheese cheer you up?

No. Yeah, maybe.

Hi, Mrs. Belcher. Mac 'n' cheesing it, huh?

Uh-huh.

Everything okay? You look kind of down.

Or maybe you're just looking down

- 'cause I'm shorter than you. - (sighs)

They think Louise stole the mash missile thing.

- Oh, my. - But she's a good girl, right?

I mean, she's complicated.

It's just if she took it, I don't know where she put it.

It's not in her room,

and Tina and Gene said it's not in her backpack

- or her locker. - Which locker?

- What do you mean? - Louise has two lockers.

Louise has two lockers?

Yeah, her regular one, and then her Rudyville locker.

She calls it that because it's near mine.

Number 158, I want to say?

- (bell ringing) - Ooh, I got to go.

Louise, you sneaky double-locker-haver.

TEDDY: It's okay.

You built it up too much, maybe.

No. It's nice.

It's clean, simple.

- Who wants simple? - Everybody?

No. You know what I get from this?

"I'm a boring mechanic, and I'm dead inside."

You don't get that from this.

I want a card that says, "Hey, world, check me out."

♪ There's a banana, that could be fun ♪

No banana. Teddy, that doesn't make any sense.

♪ Ooh, a lasso border ♪

♪ Or a sunglasses sun ♪

Why would someone have a lasso?

Do cowboys have business cards?

♪ Yes, cowboys have business cards ♪

And Western-wear salespeople.

Wonder Woman. Ted Lasso. Lassie.

♪ You ridiculous person, less is more ♪

♪ Don't be a kid in a candy store ♪

- Oh, there's candy. - Mm.

♪ They wouldn't call it a business card ♪

♪ If they didn't want you to get busy ♪

♪ Your choices are literally making me dizzy ♪

Also, I don't think you understand "get busy."

- ♪ Teddy, what you want is simple ♪ - ♪ Snowman, hockey sticks ♪

- ♪ Elegant, clean ♪ - ♪ Dreidel, soccer ball, puppy dog ♪

- ♪ White space. ♪ - ♪ Yin-yang. ♪

- Hi. Can I order? - Oh, yeah. Sorry.

LINDA: Mr. Frond's gonna be back soon.

I got to get inside Louise's second secret locker.

But how do I do that?

Do I get a crowbar? Or some dynamite?

Oh. Or I look in there.

Uh, Ms. Selbo, did you know,

uh, they're giving out free batteries?

In the teachers' lounge? Uh, right now.

- Batteries? - Yup.

Double-A, triple-A's, double-D's.

She's buying it.

Seems like an odd thing to be giving away

in the teachers' lounge.

LINDA: Oh, crap. She's not buying it.

Um, did I say batteries?

I meant, uh, gift cards for, uh, places you like.

That doesn't make any sense, but I do have to pee.

Of course you do. All that coffee?

- Take your time. - I will. Thank you, Linda.

I love... that we use volunteers.

(mumbling)

One-- 158!

Huh. Don't be in Louise's secret locker.

Don't be in Louise's secret locker.

Oh, nuts.

Louise, no. Oh, my face!

- No, no, no, no. - LOUISE: Mom?

- What are you doing? - Ah! What are you doing?

Going to the bathroom. Oh, my God.

Louise, you lied to me.

Oh, my Louise. Oh, my baby.

What if you get suspended? You're branded.

It'll follow you everywhere. You'll never be president.

- What? Wait, what? - Mama's gonna help you.

No one's gonna know you took it

and hid it in your secret locker.

I mean, yeah, it was my secret locker.

I don't use it anymore.

I want to believe you, but I don't

because you're so good at lying, so I am gonna eat it.

That's what I'll do. I'll eat it.

- Ooh. Sticky. - Mom. Mom.

(shushing) Mama's here. Mama's gonna help you.

The executive function luncheon wasn't much of luncheon.

Assorted melon and hummus is not lunch.

(gasps) Put it back, put it back.

(sighs) Someone wrote "fart" on this locker.

- Yup. They do that. - Let me see if that'll wipe off.

- (all gasping) - That's on there for good.

Linda. Louise. What's going on?

Louise, why aren't you in class?

- I was going to the bathroom... - I was just taking

- a little walk. - ...and then I saw my mom--

Phillip, I forgot. Your mom called.

She, uh, really wanted to talk to you about... vitamins.

(groans) Of course.

That's all we talk about. I guess I'll go call her back.

I don't understand.

- Why would you--? - Follow me.

(lock clicks)

Why didn't you bust us?

Even though I'm totally innocent.

Right, right. Super innocent.

- No, I know. - You know what?

That Louise is innocent, because I took the mash missile.

- You took it? - Why?

I was at my nephew's birthday party,

and my nephew got that exact same Burobu mash missile.

Not from me. I-I got him a scented candle.

That's a good present, right?

- LINDA: Yeah, yeah. - LOUISE: Eh, sure.

SELBO: But there is something wrong with those mash missiles

because kid after kid got hit

in the butter beans by that thing.

Okay, that toy's actually starting to sound pretty fun.

SELBO: Then, a couple days later, I'm playing solitaire

on an absolute heater, when I hear

Jason in the hall showing off his new mash missile.

I tried to warn him about it,

and he said it was just for show and tell.

He wasn't gonna launch it. But then later,

that little punk brought it to recess

and went to gather a bunch of kids.

I was gonna yell at them a little bit.

I'm allowed to yell at the kids.

But I broke it. I sort of stepped on it.

I might have been pumped up about the yelling.

And I thought, "He's gonna think I did it on purpose,"

so I hid it under my shirt.

And I ran, Linda. I ran.

And I was like, "I just stole a toy from a child."

I panicked and hid it in an unassigned locker.

And you were just gonna let me fry for this?

No, I was gonna move it somewhere...

that I haven't figured out yet.

Or make it explode? Somehow?

Well, it's nice you didn't want the kids' butter beans

to get hurt, Ms. Selbo,

but you got to come clean to Mr. Frond.

Hell no. I will lose my job.

And I really like having a job. They pay me money.

It's somewhere to go during the day.

Wait, what if we convinced Mr. Frond

that there wasn't a crime?

Because if there's no crime, then there's no time.

- I like it, I like it. - But I broke it.

Actually, it's not broken.

It's just really, really cheap and awful.

Look, you just got to click this in there.

Louise, look at you. You little non-thieving smartie.

I know.

Okay, I am liking this mock-up.

The little hammers, all around the outside.

The cups-to-ounces conversion chart on the back.

The tic-tac-toe board on the front.

Yup. All the ideas are there.

They-they all made it on there.

You don't think it's too much, do you?

I do. I thought I made it very clear

that I think it's way too much.

Maybe you just don't have an artistic eye.

You said you needed my artis-- You know what? Never mind.

Plus a handyman does a lot of stuff.

So I need a lot of stuff.

Hi. Sorry to interrupt. I'm looking for a handyman.

I'd love to take one of your cards.

Oh, no! This is my disgusting old card that I hate now.

Here, uh... imagine all this on here.

Or do you want to take a picture of the screen?

(chuckles) Yeah, that's great. I'll call you.

See, Bob?

Ugh. Everyone is awful.

Bob, I think I know what's going on here.

You want to make your own card, put Bob Burger on it.

I mean, a little. Not that name.

Well, if I buy 500 of mine,

I get a discount on the next 500. Eh?

- Uh, okay. - Ooh. Look at that cactus.

- That'd be good for a guy who sells-- - (shushing)

Yeah, it was in his locker.

Right in his locker. The whole time.

Isn't that right, Jason?

No. I took it out of my locker.

Did you? 'Cause it was right there.

Yeah, Jason, you think someone knew your combination,

opened your locker and put it in there?

'Cause the only people who could do that are myself

and Ms. Selbo, and why on earth would we do such a thing?

- Yeah. - Jason, don't touch that. Ew.

And now there's jelly on Unpopular Parker.

Well, well, well.

Does someone owe someone else

and their volunteer mother an apology?

- Yeah. Mr. Frond does. Oh. - FROND: Sorry...

- I accused-- - (bell ringing)

Oh, oh. There's the bell.

Bye-bye. Everyone go now.

Well, at least I didn't get fired.

That's good. For me.

And I didn't do time for a crime I didn't commit.

Can save the time for my real crimes.

- Just kidding. - Uh-oh. End of the day.

I might not have stuffed some,

or most, or any of the envelopes.

No, you did not.

Louise, I'm sorry I didn't believe you.

And then believed you. And then didn't believe you.

It's okay.

You made up for it by how far you would have gone for me.

Which does make me wonder

how big of a crime you'd commit for your kids.

- Should we test it out? - Yeah. Let's do insider trading.

- No. - Outsider trading?

- Okay. - ALL: Yay!

♪ When you wanna say hello ♪

♪ But keep it on the down low ♪

♪ Or blow a little kiss ♪

♪ She won't wanna miss ♪

♪ Well, it's the Flappity Dappity ♪

♪ The Flappity Dappity ♪

♪ Ooh, the Little Bitty Stinker ♪

♪ The Little Bitty Stinker ♪

♪ The Rubber Elbow Double Down ♪

♪ The Rubber Elbow Double Down ♪

- ♪ The ESP ♪ - ♪ Oh, the ESP ♪

- ♪ The Fake Left, Go Right ♪ - ♪ The Fake Left, Go Right ♪

♪ The Wiggle Waggle ♪

- ♪ The Wiggle Waggle ♪ - Everybody now!

♪ Just the Pinkies and the Smoochicane. ♪

Captioning sponsored by BENTO BOX ENTERTAINMENT

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