Original subtitles

DENISE: Previously on The Hotwives of Las Vegas...

Life without Adonis has been hard,

but I had to kick him out.

My embryo jumped out of me, went into her.

I would (BLEEP) Vance.

You will never have my husband.

I am writing my book The Loneliest Fingertip.

Well, it's just words on a page.

Doesn't even really matter the order of the words.

What do you mean you're in love with my husband?

Oh, yeah, I have a kid and a wife.

Did I not mention that to Denise?

(IMITATING SCOOBY DOO) Ruh-roh.

PHE PHE: Are y'all having sex in here?

JENFER: Oh, no! I'm going into labor.

My baby!

JENFER: What happens in Vegas can usually be cured by antibiotics.

FIRST LADY: Money is money, but class is something much classier.

IVANKA: Just because I'm beautiful and rich,

doesn't mean I can't say that a lot.

PHE PHE: I am a phenomenon, literally. That's my name.

LEONA: I went to a salon and said, "Give me the Reba."

DENISE: I say I'm sorry a hundred times a day.

CALLIE: I am Satan's minion.

I am also great at Word and Excel.

(SIGHS)

There, there, baby.

When Leona called me from New York City

Casino

to tell me that Ace and First Lady were hooking up,

I was shocked.

And the news sent me into early labor.

Early labor that just turned out to be gas.

But I find breast-feeding this doll comforting.

But I would never breast-feed a real baby.

Makes your tits all saggy.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Oh! Coming.

(GROANS)

Leona's here, honey.

You come to Mama. Oh, God!

(SOBBING) Oh!

First she tries to take my baby,

then she takes my man.

Oh!

God! I'm a wreck.

I know, I can tell, your place is a mess.

I'm glad it was me

who told Jenfer about Ace and First Lady,

even though it was so hard,

although it was probably harder for me than for her.

You know?

I mean no one ever thinks about the bearer of the bad news.

What about us?

Have you spoken to Ace?

People will want to know and I'd like to be able to tell them.

Oh, I've spoken to him, all right.

Ace came home begging for forgiveness

but I sent that son of a bitch packing.

Get the hell out of my house!

Please, not like this.

I just wanted to change my outfit.

Those jeans made me look pudgy.

I mean he had a point and I felt that I owed him that much.

You get out of my house!

Fine! I don't even care!

Me and my extremely slimming suit are out of here!

You're gonna regret this.

Damn it!

(SOBBING) I have to stay strong.

Yes! Yes, honey.

Or, you could just fall apart

and give the people what they want.

No, I have to focus on what's important.

(SNIFFLES)

Your baby.

My book.

Oh! It's debuting.

I'm really excited

because I'm doing a reading of my children's book,

The Loneliest Fingertip, today at the Las Vegas Book Convention/Beach Party.

It's the biggest party of the year!

It takes place poolside,

because no one in Vegas enjoys reading,

but everyone enjoys getting wasted by a pool and pretending to read.

Ah! Babe, I am so proud of you for speaking out

for handicapped, misshapen people like yourself.

You know?

I'm going to be there today, cheering you on.

Bless your heart.

You're a real friend. I am.

I'm going to support Jenfer,

but also, and mostly, to promote my new book,

Mom For Life.

It's funny stories about being an empty nester.

I just, I hope my book doesn't upstage Jenfer's retard book

because that would be really hard for her.

But, probably harder for me to have to see her so upset.

(GRUMBLING)

Hey, Adonis! Phe Phe here.

Could you give me a call back when you get this?

So, I just got home from New York City

Hotel and Casino

and my entire house has been cleaned out.

Now, the security camera footage shows a man

who looks a lot like Adonis stealing my stuff.

But I don't believe it unless I see it with my own eyes.

That camera is not my eyes.

It's a camera!

But, whatever it is, I've got to get over it right now.

I have got to focus on my big book release party!

Fifty Shades of Phe: How To Throw Shade Like A Pro.

Mmm-hmm! I had some gay guys write it for me.

It's probably really good.

It's me.

Sis-boom-bah!

Actually, it's just my head on, uh, someone else.

My neck looks real little.

♪ We gonna get turned up A notch, turned up ♪

(COUGHS)

Magnita, I need more spit-up rags.

(WHEEZES)

Oh, thank you.

There's something wrong with me.

My doctor says I have something that's going around called,

"The common cold"?

But, there's nothing common about me, so...

It has to be Callie's witchcraft, again.

I mean, after that horrible New York trip,

where I tried to kill her with kindness, literally...

(SCREAMING) No! No! No!

Die!

I could see her being pissed.

(COUGHING)

(SPITTING)

Wash that, please, I am contagious.

But no matter what, the most important thing

is that I still look beautiful.

(COUGHS)

I think I might want to wear the blue bikini tonight.

Hold it up for me.

(CHUCKLES) So funny.

Even sick, I look better in it than you do.

Ah, 'cause you look terrible.

Ah, we have fun together, don't we, Magnita?

I have to muster all my energy

for the Book Convention/Beach Party.

I wrote a book,

Can't Pop It: My American Dream.

It's a guide to how you too can be a vaguely European ex-model

and marry a famous bubble artist.

(SIGHS)

But, I don't feel strong enough to go.

Luckily, First Lady gave me some of her MethAmphetaMine pills to give me a boost.

Ooh, they're pink.

Mmm, yum!

Maybe I'll take a few.

Honey, I'm home.

The Dark Lord is smiling upon me.

I told Vance that it wasn't safe for him

to stay in the same house with Ivanka while she's sick.

Also, she tried to strangle me,

so who knows what she's capable of?

So, he moved in with me and is sleeping in my bed.

I mean, until I find another bed, which is impossible.

You started it! You started it!

Oh, no, no, no!

I mean, who knows where they sell beds?

What are there, bed stores?

Uh-oh, uh-oh!

(BOTH GIGGLING)

It's sad that Ivanka is so sick,

but my witchcraft had nothing to do with that.

Though, my witchcraft may have had something to do with ruining her favorite purse.

(URINATING)

I mean, witchcraft is not an exact science.

Anyway, I'm really excited about my book release party

of my young adult novel.

It's called...

Howl At My Brother.

And, it's about a brother and sister werewolf

who finally get to run away together

after they flay alive a stuck-up princess.

(SIGHS)

It's already been optioned by Summon Entertainment.

And I'm just really excited to show those other women

how much you can accomplish with the power of witchcraft

and having no day job.

(BOTH GIGGLING)

Hi! Come on in. (CHUCKLES)

Be careful.

It's fragile, okay?

Things have been going really well since I got back

from my big performance in New York City

Hotel and Casino.

(CRYING) Not my chair!

(LAUGHING) Ooh! Isn't she beautiful?

Aren't they all beautiful?

(CHUCKLES)

I now have a chair room.

It's just a room devoted to chairs for me to sit in and no one else to take.

It's really empowering for me

to always feel like I have a chair

and never feel like I don't have a chair,

because chairlessness is a terrible feeling.

In other great news,

Kelly moved in with me

along with his wife and child that he forgot to tell me about

til we were on vacation together.

(LAUGHS) Yay!

They needed a place to stay

and I thought it might be nice to have the company.

Can you move over?

Mom, how long do we have to live with these weird ladies?

(GRUMBLES)

You happy?

(GIGGLES) Me too.

Guys, if I can't hear the voices,

I can't learn the impressions.

Shh! Shh.

Yeah, I'm still hoping to work things out with Denise,

I'm just really bummed my kid and wife are back in the picture.

(IMITATING) Take my wife, please.

By take I mean I wish she would die.

(IMITATING) It is a tumor. Kindergarten Cop.

With everything that's going on,

I'm just really looking forward to my

book release party for my new book,

Do I Deserve Love? The Answer Is No.

I'm just hoping that all the attention and love I'll get from the book

and all the hugs I'll get from strangers

will fill up my hug-bucket.

'Cause I think Kelly's (BLEEP) kid has been stealing from it.

(COINS RATTLING)

(IMITATING) Oh! Very nice! Borat!

FIRST LADY: I can't believe Ace is back in my life.

You know what they say.

What happens in New York City Hotel and Casino, Las Vegas,

stays in New York City Hotel and Casino, Las Vegas.

JENFER: Ace, how dare you?

And if Jenfer is going to hold a little affair against Ace,

then she doesn't deserve him.

A politician's wife is used to that sort of thing.

All Jenfer cared about was that new life

she was carrying around inside of her.

So, I decided

that I was gonna go someplace where I was gonna be appreciated

and followed by cameras again.

29. (EXHALES)

30.

I love you.

And I can't imagine being with anyone else.

(GIGGLES)

Oh! You know what?

I'm going to use that at the book beach party, it'll kill.

(SNIFFLES)

(GRUNTS)

Um, I don't know... 32?

That, that sounds good. Okay.

I am so excited for the book beach party event.

I heard from Leona that Jenfer's gonna be there

and I'm gonna make her take a maternity test.

As soon as I find out if that is actually a real thing.

But today isn't just about motherhood.

It's also about famous-hood.

I'll be reading from my new book Osteoporo-Yes.

It's about how to shed pounds through the loss of bone density.

It's so heavy, I can't!

(EXHALES)

I'm just going to use your belly button as inspiration.

Okay.

MAN ON TV: Bazinga! Do it, do that one.

Do that one.

I don't do anything for free.

Go, get money! Go, get money!

Not from my hug bucket.

DJ: Welcome to the 9th Annual Mondo Book Party and Convention, y'all!

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYS) (ALL CHEERING)

Books, books, books, y'all!

(AIRHORN BLASTS) Let's get our reading on!

When I say, books, don't say nothing!

When I say, books, don't say a word.

Books! (SILENCE)

Books! (SILENCE)

Good thing I can't hear you.

(AIRHORN BLASTS) (MUSIC RESTARTS)

DENISE: My chair and I were ready to have a lot of fun.

Hi! I'm so happy you're here.

Welcome to my book event, baby girl.

No, wait, I thought you were here for my book release.

No, no, no, I'm hosting you, this is my book event.

I didn't understand.

I thought today was about my book.

I sent out invitations and no one's RSVP'd,

but this is my book release.

Hi! How'd you guys know about my book signing?

No! It's not about you,

they're here for my book event.

I sent out an invitation in my dream.

Hey! What are you doing here?

Seriously! What are you doing here?

I forgot to bring an umbrella.

Ah! Tastes like pasta!

It turns out First Lady's MethAmphetaMine pills gave me a lot of energy

because they're straight up meth.

Okay, you know what? This is my damn event! No.

I'm sorry. You all RSVP'd in my dream. (ALL ARGUING)

This is not about you! This is not about you!

LEONA: Girls, girls!

Settle down!

Now, listen.

Each of you told me you had a book to premiere here today.

But, I thought it would be so fun

for you to discover that for yourselves.

Aren't we having fun? No!

I'm going to go climb that butterfly.

Ivanka was acting crazy.

But, you know what? I liked it.

And she climbed the (BLEEP) outta that butterfly.

Pfft!

(EXCLAIMS) Oh, God!

Hello, Jenfer.

Don't you dare talk to me, you piece of trash.

You know what? I'd like to make up, okay?

I would like to extend an olive branch. Mmm-hmm.

But I just need a quick blood sample.

Get your hands off me! Not in front of my baby to be.

That's my baby to be and I'll put my hands wherever I want.

Okay. Yeah, I will.

You stop trying to take my baby.

(ARGUING) LEONA: Ladies, please! Please stop!

The Vegas Mondo Pool Beach Party/Book Convention

is not the time or the place for fighting.

(WOMEN ARGUING)

(ARGUING)

My bad! It is the time and the place. Go ahead.

(SHOUTING)

Go lower! You have the strength and the center of gravity...

DJ: Now, next coming to the stage.

Please put your hands together

for the former First Lady of the Vegas strip.

She's got a new diet book that she says,

either will work for you or you'll die trying,

give it up for her!

(ALL CHEERING)

It's me! (LAUGHS)

I wanted to finish my fight with Jenfer.

But I had to give my people what they wanted.

Which is me, reading.

Hell, no! That slut does not get to read before me.

Not after she stole my man, after I stole him from her.

Excuse me! Out of my way!

(ALL TALKING) PHE PHE: She's going, I'm going.

Stop! No!

(ALL CONTINUE SHOUTING)

DENISE: Hey, my chair!

(EXCLAIMS) What...

I can fly!

Why didn't anyone tell me we were storming the stage?

Why am I always left out?

Ladies! Ladies! Let's all calm down.

And let me go first.

That's the best thing to do.

ALL: No! No!

JENFER: "The loneliest fingertip on the planet..."

"People say you don't deserve love and I say to them..."

IVANKA: "My eyes feel like they're on fire..."

(ALL READING)

It turns out my gays did not write my book.

But if there's one thing Phe Phe knows, it's how to wing it.

Word!

Words about me.

Words about other people.

(ALL READING)

But guess what happened, people?

Weight loss...

(ALL CONTINUE READING)

CALLIE: "'Rip her throat out, sister,' he said,

"and she said happily, 'Yes.'"

When I saw the hotwives up there,

I started to think to myself...

No! Stay here, stay right there.

I thought to myself, "What's Ace up to?"

Oh, my God! (BLEEP)

Something's happening.

(ALL SCREAMING)

Oh, no! What?

I'm having my baby, you bitches!

FIRST LADY: Oh, my gosh!

I'm having my baby, you bitches!

DENISE: Does that mean we have to stop reading?

It was just all happening so fast,

I couldn't believe I was about to be a mother.

Going into labor at the Vegas Mondo Pool was scary.

But then, I realized this is the perfect place for my precious baby to be born,

not some disgusting hospital that doesn't even have a pool.

Oh, goddamn!

(RHYTHMIC BREATHING) Breathe! Breathe!

Oh, goddamn!

Get it out! Get it out! Get it out!

(BLEEP)

(BLEEP)

LEONA: Shh! We're bothering people.

You know what? Stop! Stop! Stop!

IVANKA: What? This is not right.

LEONA: What happened?

Hold up! Hold up! No! Stay here.

Stay here. Don't push. LEONA: Hold the baby.

I could not let Jenfer have her baby like that.

No one was even having any fun.

What is up?

DJ!

Imma need a faster beat, kid.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

Yeah!

(ALL CHEERING)

What is the point of having your baby in public

if nobody's even grindin' up on each other?

Okay! Everybody say... MAN: Heads up!

Oh! That's not right.

Get outta here! (LAUGHS)

Everybody say words of encouragement to Jenfer.

Okay, okay! Hey, listen!

Don't you listen to what everybody else at this party is saying.

You are going to be just fine.

This is the end of your life.

What?

You are doing great, darling.

Now, let my baby out of your womb-cage.

I hope that baby is a person.

(DENISE GIGGLES)

You know what? Y'all are the best friends I've ever had in my life.

And this is exactly how I imagined this moment.

Let's get this mother out!

(ALL CHEERING)

And when we do, save the placenta, I'll bake it in a pie.

Ugh!

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

Look, look, look, look, look!

Yes, girl!

Push it! Push it out!

Phe Phe's gonna catch it.

I'm a wine maker.

I think I know how to catch a baby.

Let's do this!

Push!

(ALL SHOUTING ENCOURAGEMENT)

(GROANING)

(VOICE DISTORTED) Oh...

(AIR WHOOSHING)

Turns out, making wine is not at all the same as catching a baby.

(BABY CRYING)

(VOICE DISTORTED) My chair!

Get out of my chair, you tiny bitch!

I will kill you! I will kill you!

Get away from the baby. I will kill you!

I will get to you!

I wish that was the first time I had broken up a fight with a baby.

But as the saying goes, this is Vegas!

Time to get in a baby fight.

Oh, this baby won't latch onto my titty.

And he is just way uglier than my other two.

Here, you can have him.

Oh. He kind of looks like me.

And he weighs about the same too.

LEONA: A toast!

There is nothing more beautiful than a birth,

and of course, I'm talking about my book.

To our books!

ALL: To my book!

CALLIE: To me.

Junior, get over here! You need your floaties.

Come on, Mom.

No! I won't take no for an answer.

I'm going to the deep end. Hey!

To being alive! (LAUGHS)

(GLASS CRACKING)

And to me and Vance, getting the show back together.

I'm really looking forward to branching out.

Mmm. Mmm.

DENISE: (SCREAMING) Chair!

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(SCREAMING)

(CONTINUES SCREAMING)

Damn!

Y'all know I don't speak ill of my friends,

but that bitch is crazier than a cat with tar on its paws

running through a grease fire.

(LAUGHING)

I am who I am and I am Phe Phe.

Well, Imma go rinse off my nethers in the Jacuz'

and try to find a (BLEEP) to grind up on.

Giving birth makes me horny as hell.

Ace, you wanna come see our baby?

Ace!

What?

I wonder where this storyline's going.

A new life begins as a haunting season in Vegas ends.

Shalom, y'all! I'm Matty Green,

joining you live from the Hotwives Cooldown treehouse.

Now, even though we don't have our favorite hotwives with us today,

you have to wait till the reunion to see them,

we do have their favorite party planner, Antoine Donner.

Here to preview his brand-new show and cheek implants.

Take a look.

I want this place to look like the ocean.

Get me a big slab of the Great Barrier Reef, and hurry.

I can't, it's protected.

Why do you bother calling yourself my assistant

when you refuse to assist me?

I should call you my nightmare, because that's what you are.

Now, please, get me a generic diet cola, my nightmare.

Oh, Yung Lee!

You're just my maid, but you keep me sane.

(ACCENTED ENGLISH)

I'm sure you've just said something beautiful and lovely

but, I can't understand your little language.

Don't pick it up. Let it stain.