Original subtitles

IVANKA: Previously on The Hotwives of Las Vegas...

Lola has gained some weight

and lost modeling jobs because of it.

Stop it!

I'm a big boy now!

(BLUBBERING)

PHE PHE: Every sign says Adonis is robbing me blind.

New Phe Phe says,

"Kick that negro to the curb."

I think this kid is really gonna complete my life

and my spin-off show.

I'm not too sure about that, man.

I was a show girl,

I could've gone to Broadway! (SCREAMING) (TEARING)

If Jenfer is nine months pregnant,

that means the baby is mine!

(SQUEALING)

JENFER: Stupid is as stupid... Ooh, shiny!

FIRST LADY: I'm the First Lady of Vegas

and the last lady you'd expect to have butt sex.

IVANKA: As a former model, I can tell you, you're ugly.

PHE PHE: Do not speak to Phe Phe, unless Phe Phe has spoken to you.

LEONA: I'm a mom to everyone,

I wish I could put you all in my uterus.

DENISE: If you think you can disrespect me

and get away with it, you're absolutely right!

CALLIE: I know what you're thinking.

That's it, I just know.

FIRST LADY: I have been reeling since I figured out

that Jenfer's baby is actually mine.

I mean, how dare she carry around my baby

in that low-class, hillbilly womb,

pretending it's hers?

So I decided to confront her,

in front of a medical professional.

When First Lady said she wanted to come with me

to my OB/GYN appointment,

I was surprised.

'Cause last time we hung out, it didn't go so great.

(SCREAMING) You piece of trash!

(BOTH YELLING)

Ow!

But I got an open door policy

where my vajayjay is concerned, so come on in.

Embargo lifted.

Dr. Gyn, I...

It's Dr. Masner, GYN is for gynecologist.

Oh, for real?

I don't have time to hear the origin of your name.

That's my baby in there, now get it out.

I'm so sorry, I'm trying to follow here.

So, did you donate one of your eggs?

No, I don't believe in charity. I'm a Republican.

Jenfer, you said you and Ace didn't cheat

when he was with me, right?

Duh, that's what I said.

And I trust that.

So, if she didn't have sex with him nine months ago,

that's not her baby.

It's in her uterus, so how could it be your baby?

Ugh! Simple logic, okay?

So, when Ace and I were together,

Jenfer was always around.

People like me.

So, I actually got pregnant with Ace's baby

and then my embryo jumped out of me, huh?

Went into her. And they said I was barren. Can you believe that?

Doctor, I know this is my baby,

he kicks and punches just like his mama.

Especially when I poke at him.

I've asked you not to do that. All right.

Get out!

Give me my baby, I wanna get it.

Oh wow, it's so sparkly! It's very sparkly!

Get, get!

Oh, my God! Get out of there!

Get her rank ass out of here.

Okay, get your rank ass out of here.

Fine! This is not on the Strip,

so it's technically not my jurisdiction,

but I'm gonna fight you for this!

I find vaginas and the women around them

very confusing.

I just want to make sure you're using the right lens,

something, you know, that softens her, not...

I don't want her to look aged.

Life is wonderful again.

My little Lola

is now a model for Posh Baby Couture,

which is only the most sophisticated line

of baby mini-dresses in the world.

Hmm, feels like I'm coming back home when I stand here, right?

She's lost a bit of weight,

thanks to First Lady's Anorexi-Yeah!'s

baby non-food,

and I've got her in SoulTricycle five days a week.

Oh, hey, is there a problem?

I know Lola can be a little bit of a diva

when it comes to getting her spray tan.

I don't know a good way to tell you this,

but Lola is not fitting into the cocktail dress.

What? No, no, that can't be.

Let me try, I can get her in because...

No, no, there's no trying. No, there's no trying.

We tried.

Her thighs are too chubby, okay?

Her fingers look like legs,

and her legs look like redwoods.

She's 11 months old,

she should have lost that baby weight by now.

Let me, let me just put her in the steam shower,

give me two hours.

Ma'am, two hours she'll be 100 pounds!

Lola is too fat for Posh Baby.

(LOLA CRYING)

Please remove her from my set.

Gayle, call the preemie ward.

See if you can rustle something up.

Lola getting fat again?

Nothing natural could've caused that.

Could it be... witchcraft?

LEONA: Being a mother to such a wonderful boy like Junior

has been just the greatest gift of my life.

When I was pregnant with Junior,

he was six weeks late,

because I didn't wanna let him out.

The doctor said it was the greatest feat of strength

he'd ever seen.

JUNIOR: Don't forget to pack all my e-cigs.

Of course.

I'm packing you lots of sweaters

because it's cold where you're going.

Ma, I'm just moving out to the garage, okay?

To launch my business and, maybe, get some goddamn privacy?

You will never understand a mother's love! Okay?

Any separation is very hard.

It's time, like the therapist said.

I have to go live my own life.

It's a grand journey I'll be on,

but I'm gonna learn a lot.

And I'll see you at dinner, okay?

Dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets, please.

Of course, baby.

I'll miss you till then!

People grow up, they get to be 30

and they think they don't need their mommy anymore.

And now, my baby's moving out.

This house and my uterus

are gonna feel so empty

without my baby.

JUNIOR: (ON PHONE) Naizur is the avatar you created in Warcraft.

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now, don't finish, and don't mind me. (GIRL MOANING)

I'm getting pretty aroused over here too.

LEONA: I can't believe it!

My baby is an entrepreneur.

(LAUGHS) I'm, I'm so proud of him!

Keep working, I'll go get you guys some snacks.

Ma!

Apple, Microsoft,

these are all things that were invented in a garage.

I bet you none of their moms walked in right at the money shot.

I don't like a lot of my patients,

but I like their vaginas.

I'm always telling people something they don't wanna hear.

And that's hard!

What're you doing here? Come on, I'm working!

I know my mom loves me and all, it's great,

but sometimes that love can be a real boner-killer.

This is where the nursery's gonna be. Mmm-hmm.

It used to be my wig room,

but I felt like my wigs deserved a bigger space. Mmm-hmm.

JENFER: Today is a big day for us

'cause we're setting up the nursery.

First Lady wants us to believe

that my baby is hers, but that's crazy...

Right?

'Cause I'm spending a shit ton on this decorator,

and I'm not spending it on her baby.

Basically, yeah? You're looking to do

sort of a calm, peaceful,

possibly smoke-free environment,

Well... where a baby could, maybe, grow and thrive.

Exactly. Also, it's gotta be someplace we can put the dogs

when they're being annoying.

Right.

We hired the most important designer in Las Vegas,

Maxwell Octavius.

And he designed Caesar's Palace.

That's where Caesar lived.

What's your favorite column?

Do you like Doric or Corinthian?

Oh, you got me there.

Corinthian.

All of my designs are always original.

I like to work the personality of my client

into whatever I design for them.

For example, I did David Copperfield's

Colosseum-shaped library,

and then later I did Carrot Top's Roman bath and spa,

which was inspired by the Colosseum.

And then I did the, uh, University of Las Vegas'

STD clinic.

Uh, so, these are ones I've pinned for you. Okay.

But you're not letting me focus on one.

Take a look at that one.

Hon, you've been awfully quiet, what do you think?

I think the guys were right.

Ever since we've stepped foot into this nursery,

all we have talked about is the baby.

Where he'll sleep, what he'll eat,

how we're gonna protect him from SIDS.

Well, how about where I'm gonna sleep,

how about my SIDS?

Is anyone even looking at me anymore?

Well, I'm looking at you right now.

And I looked at your wife, I know that,

and the room a few times, and I think I looked at you.

It's not enough!

I gotta clear my head. Baby!

(ACE GRUMBLES)

ACE: Not one camera follows?

(WHISPERING) Go, go!

ACE: You guys suck!

He'll cool off and come back to me

'cause no guy can resist this piece of ass.

(FARTING) Ooh, uh-oh.

PHE PHE: Life without Adonis has been hard.

But I had to kick him out,

I can't let another man take advantage of me.

You know, fool me once,

shame on you.

Fool me twice, still shame on you.

Why you gotta keep fooling me?

To be honest, I really don't know why she thinks

I'm stealing from her.

But, at least I found a new place fast,

nice too.

8,000 square feet,

five car garage, you know, the whole nine.

I, uh...

Should probably tell her that she bought it for me.

With all that Adonis stress,

old Phe Phe came out to play-play.

You want shade? Here it comes, bitch! DENISE: I want it!

(ALL SCREAMING)

I had to figure out a way to get right with Denise.

And the other girls were already having their own troubles.

So I decided now was the perfect time

for a girls' trip!

And not just any trip, a trip to...

New York City!

You're welcome.

IVANKA: I'm glad Phe Phe suggested a girls' weekend away,

because now that I know Callie's a powerful witch

who casts fat spells on babies,

I don't want her to do any more harm,

so I'm going to kill her with kindness.

I mean, that's the European way.

Well, not Hitler.

But I still think he was very misunderstood.

I'm just glad to get out of the house.

You know, it feels so lonely

now that my son has moved out

of the non-garage part.

(SCREAMING)

LEONA: I cannot wait!

FIRST LADY: I'm so excited!

LEONA: I am a New York girl.

(LAUGHING EXCITEDLY)

(SIGHS)

New York, here we come.

JENFER: I really wanted to go to New York with the girls,

but I need time to finish writing my book.

The Loneliest Fingertip.

I...

T...

It...

Damn!

Writing is hard.

(SCREAMING)

New York, here we come.

Welcome to New York, bitches.

(ALL SCREAMING)

CALLIE: It's so authentic.

IVANKA: Oh, isn't it?

Of course, we're going to the New York City Hotel and Casino

and not the real New York City.

New York City is so much more beautiful in Vegas.

We get what's best about New York City

without the piss smell.

PHE PHE: This is a girls' trip,

so we are going to do sight seeing

of all of New York City's landmarks.

We're gonna see the Statue of Liberty.

We're gonna see the Empire State Building.

And tonight,

a show,

because I have arranged for Denise

to perform her one-woman showgirl

on Broadway!

(SCREAMING)

Broadway Karaoke Bar and Grill

in the lobby of the New York City Hotel and Casino.

This is my dream come true, you guys.

PHE PHE: You're welcome. This is amazing, I can't believe this.

I don't need my bipolar meds anymore.

(ALL GASPING) No, no!

I'm so happy, I'm so happy!

As a part-time talent booker,

I was happy to do this for Denise.

Also, I asked her agent,

I knew I could sell the footage to America's Most Embarrassing People.

Everybody wins!

LEONA: Yes!

Listen, Callie... Hmm?

My favorite part in The Lion, The Witch, and Wardrobe,

is the witch.

Thank you.

Actually, it's the wardrobe, but...

I'm trying to get along with her.

ALL: Aw.

CALLIE: I think Ivanka's trying to be nice to me

but it's really hard to tell

because, you know, she's so European.

I really wanted to go to New York with the girls,

but I'm not allowed to.

The doctor says when you're in your third trimester of pregnancy

you cannot travel.

And I guess three months in is considered the last trimester.

But you know what? I was relieved,

'cause I didn't wanna hang out with First Lady.

Anyway,

whatever's best for the health of my baby, I'll do.

(EXHALES)

How do you like that menthol, baby?

I'm telling you guys, the only place to get decent bagels

is New York City, Las Vegas, right?

Uh, what are y'all doing here?

I was invited by my beautiful wife.

Aw.

That is so sweet.

You're such a wonderful husband to Ivanka.

Killing her with kindness has totally worked.

She's completely backing off Vance.

(STAMMERING) I'm sorry.

Um, this was supposed to be a girls-only trip.

I know, but I never get to see my baby

since he moved out of the house.

At least, I can take him on vacation, ain't that right?

I miss you, Mommy. (LEONA SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

Who's a goose? I'm the goose.

Let me hear the goose. (HONKING)

(LAUGHING)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(IMITATING) Here's Johnny!

(ALL YELPING) PHE PHE: God!

Jack Nicholson.

(CHUCKLING)

Denise, you brought Kelly?

He's not even your man, anymore.

Exactly. You said not to bring spouses and boyfriends,

but Kelly's neither,

he's just a man I'm in love with,

that I'm not allowed to date.

What do you mean you're in love with my husband?

Who are you? I'm Kelly's wife.

(GASPS) You have a wife?

And you brought her?

Well, yeah, you said it was "girls' weekend."

Ace! Yeah?

What are you doing here?

Jenfer couldn't even come!

Hey, we had a fight, okay?

And I freaked out.

So, you know...

Oh, God. (SOBS)

(SNIFFLES)

Oh, God, how's the crying look, does it look good?

Since we have some time before the show,

I thought we could play a fun little bonding game.

We're all insecure and drunk,

what could go wrong?

DENISE: I was pretty thrown

by Kelly's marriage revelation,

especially because it seemed like they had been married for quite a few years.

But I wasn't going to let that get me down,

because I had something more important to focus on.

My Broadway debut.

I bet a lot of famous people have

trod these boards.

Uh, yeah, I guess.

Uh...

Rita Rudner, one time came in

totally wasted. Sang Money, Money.

Karaoke starts in five if you wanna sign up.

Ooh. Love the Broadway terminology.

"Sign up."

Getting to perform my one-woman show

on Broadway is just...

Ahhh!

It's just a dream come true.

I'm just so thrilled that

my friends and my boyfriend

and his wife can all be there to share it with me.

PHE PHE: You guys,

Denise's show starts in five minutes.

So we need to leave here,

in the next half hour.

Okay. Oh, absolutely.

Now, since we have time I thought we could play

a fun little bonding game.

Oh, that's a great idea. Oh, that sounds nice, I can do that.

It's called (BLEEP), Marry, Kill,

and we'll play it with the people in this room.

I don't think that sounds as fun. No, no.

I don't know if that's... CALLIE: We're playing it!

Okay. Oh.

I just think that (BLEEP), Marry, Kill is a great bonding game.

I hear they play it at the White House.

Okay.

I guess,

I would

make love to Ace. What?

Um, I would kill Jenfer,

and I would steal my baby back.

I think it's "marry," not steal.

It shouldn't be.

It's a good idea for a show, though.

You know, I mean, like,

"How's this knucklehead gonna get his baby back?"

You know what I mean?

PHE PHE: It's my turn.

I would eff

Kelly. What?

ACE: What?

(IMITATING) Do I make you horny, baby? Austin Powers.

No, not at all.

See, it's one of those situations where

you are so disgusted by another human being,

that you wanna (BLEEP) them until they die.

Oh, right. (ALL AGREEING)

PHE PHE: So, so, so in that respect

I will also want to kill him, too.

There you go. CALLIE: Good, good choice.

I could tell someone was gonna get their feelings hurt

by playing this game,

which is why I wanted to let it play out.

I know that I suggested the game, but

I think it's disgusting,

and I think all of you

are disgusting for playing it.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

As a Wiccan,

I would never steal someone's husband.

Oh.

Wow.

That's very nice to hear.

I think I misjudged you.

But I guess if I had to (BLEEP) someone, I would (BLEEP) Vance.

But that's my husband.

Oh, see, I've just never thought of him like that, because

he was my brother first.

(GASPS) She's got you there.

It's true.

No, she doesn't.

Well, I wasn't going to kill or marry Vance,

he's my brother.

I've had enough, okay,

of your cuddling, and your kissing

and tickling his genitals.

I tell you right now,

you will never

have my husband.

Ivanka, calm down. Stop telling me to calm down.

What is happening to my voice?

Why is it so loud?

Oh, see, that's called shouting

and it's what insecure hags do.

I will kill you with kindness!

No! (SCREAMING)

I'm gonna kill her. She's a bitch,

that's why she won't stop!

The game actually ended up being a lot of fun,

even though it was at everyone else's expense.

I'm just sad Denise wasn't there

to get hurt by it.

DENISE: I was really nervous to go out there,

especially because I'm off my meds.

HOST: Next up, it's Denise Funt with "Untitled."

DENISE: It's a wonderful piece

that combines the art of showgirl dancing

and spoken word.

Two art forms that just so naturally fit together.

I'm just a girl

in the world.

Going through a divorce,

of course.

I felt amazing up there.

I could feel the energy of the crowd.

I was unstoppable.

So every night

I take the pills,

but they don't fill

the hole inside my...

...heart! Pow!

Yeah! HOST: All right.

That was Denise.

No, I'm not finished.

This routine goes on, like,

two, three more hours. I think they all really wanna see it.

HOST: Oh, no, everybody gets three minutes.

Boo! Boo!

All right, buddy, you're up.

Let's get rid of this chair.

(DISTORTED SCREAM)

It's like that old poem goes.

They came for the socialists,

and I did nothing.

They came for the Jews,

and I did nothing.

Then they came for my chair.

Uh-uh.

Uh-uh.

(DISTORTED SCREAM)

(DISTORTED) Not my chair.

HOST: All right, and next we have Ronald Kim

singing Rum Tum Tugger.

Guys, we are

an hour and a half late for Denise's show.

It's time to go.

So, everybody, grab your...

Coats!

(FIRST LADY MOANING) Ooh...

Are y'all having sex in here?

ALL: Ooh!

Oh, oh, my God!

Uh, no, no, uh, no, no, no.

What we're doing is, we're having a talk naked under the covers.

I mean, it looks like you're having sex.

Look, okay. Listen, first of all...

ACE: If anything...

JENFER: That's sex.

Ace, how dare you?

What, was I not supposed to call Jenfer and let her weigh in

on whether they were having sex?

I'm sorry, but I think it's wrong

to leave someone out.

Oh, God. Jenfer.

(BREATHING RAPIDLY)

My baby. Oh.

Oh, no, the baby's coming.

This baby's gonna be born

watching his daddy have sex.

Shalo... oh, hell, no!

We're having a baby.

Matty G here, coming at you live

from the Hotwives Cooldown treehouse,

where tonight we're gonna figure out

if Ace and First Lady were actually having sex,

with our two guests, Nancy Pelosi and Grumpy Cat.

Plus, we'll be playing a brand new

fun game called "Minority Whip-It!s." (LAUGHS)

We're gonna get Pelosi so high!

Stay tuned.