Original subtitles

NARRATOR: Previously on, The Hotwives of Las Vegas.

I think I got a good one with Adonis.

I spoil you.

You're too good to me, baby.

IVANKA: My daughter Lola's modelling career

has gone through the roof.

PHE PHE: I just want to forget about the whole chair explosion,

which I am now calling

Chair-Nobyl.

Oh, an idea for a spin-off show.

Here Comes the Bro...

Half the Man I Used to Be...

Halfsies! They don't have that show yet,

but, goddamn it, they should.

Leona says that Jenfer

is eight months pregnant,

but Jenfer says that she's just a few weeks.

We just can't know.

Wake up!

JENFER: What happens in my vagina stays in my vagina.

FIRST LADY: Life is a battle and food is the enemy.

IVANKA: Beauty isn't everything, but if it was, I win.

PHE PHE: You might think you know me

but you don't know me 'cause I don't know me.

LEONA: I hold my friends close and my enemies just as close

because they are the same people.

DENISE: I developed a resistance to Xanax.

CALLIE: People say I'm dark and prickly

and they're not just talking about my bush.

FIRST LADY: Seeing Jenfer face to face

and her pregnant belly, I didn't take it very well.

You piece of trash!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

We were stuck in each other's weaves

for the better part of the night.

Ow! No, I can't. No, just move your arm!

Just squat down!

The strippers finally got us free.

Ow! Ow!

Ow!

Honestly, I just want to

forget about all the drama.

That's why I'm throwing myself into work.

Work is what fills me up,

especially because I don't eat food.

Today I'm meeting with a marketing specialist

to help me design a brand new product

for my Anorexi-Yeah line!

Hi. Hi.

Jandice is the name in marketing

high end products like mine.

What a thrill to finally meet you.

The thrill is mine, your product sounds amazing.

Thank you! You know, I thought of it

when I was tired and hungry,

but I didn't want to do anything about either.

My new product is called MAM.

It's an acronym for Methampheta-Mine!

It's a miracle drug that suppresses your appetite

and gives you tons of energy.

It's a working woman's dream come true.

And as I'm sure you know, I marketed Fen-Phen

before and after the lawsuits.

Loved that product. Thank you so much.

And you know, we did a billion dollars in sales

even after all of those deaths.

So, I think that selling your product

should be a piece of cake.

Or do you mean, a piece of lettuce?

Lettuce, less... Has less calories.

That's very funny.

(LAUGHING) I thought so. That is very funny

and I don't usually love comedy.

My company specializes in products

that are tricky to sell.

Some of our clients include crab lice, rapper Durst and KIA.

You see, the thing I love about this product

is that it's specifically designed toward women.

That's right, I wanted it to be female friendly.

I mean, men, they can get their energy pills

or powder anywhere. So true.

But a woman, she's going to want something classy,

something delicate.

She's gonna want it to be pink, I love it.

People are gonna die for this.

(YELPS EXCITEDLY)

Seriously, they will.

I really hope my new supplement will help women

be their best, skinniest, most manic selves,

because a First Lady owes it to her people

to make sure they're at their best.

By the way, this paired with this ice...

Like amazing, right? It's delicious.

IVANKA: I didn't knows that beautiful, rich, European people

could suffer, but it turns out that we can.

I'm feeling... Bad?

I hate even saying that word,

but I'm feeling it

because our baby Lola has gained some weight

and lost the modelling jobs because of it.

But my alone time with Vance always helps calm me down.

Oh! Put your bubbles on me, make me your canvas.

But first, let's get you

a bubble beard.

Oh!

(SPITTING) Oh!

That feels so nice! It matches your...

Bubble nose.

Stop being so incredible!

(SQUEALING) Oh! Oh!

(COUGHING)

Oh! Oh, Callie!

Oh, my goddess,

what are you guys doing here?

We live here. What, what are you doing here?

Sure, I'll join you, thanks.

No, no, no. Nobody asked you to get in the tub.

Scoot, scoot!

No, I don't feel comfortable with this.

Ivanka, there's always room for sis,

that's why we got the deluxe Jacuzzi.

He said we got the deluxe Jacuz

for love-making and free-form bubble art.

What is happening?

Okay, I'm sorry, this is weird.

Well, it's totally normal for me and Vance.

We used to take baths together

all the time when we were kids.

That's how we got the bubble show together. Remember, Vance?

Do you want to see it? Hold on!

Let me just grab some soap.

BOTH: Oh, that's not soap!

That's enough!

(GASPING)

(VOICE DISTORTED) Enough!

How dare you!

Ivanka. How could you? In front of the bubbles!

I had to strike her! She was out of line!

I mean we do some crazy sex stuff where I'm from,

somewhere vaguely in Europe, but this was too far!

Vance, you need to choose between me and her

in this tub right now!

VANCE: I was in an impossible situation.

What was I to do?

I'm just a typical man,

having to choose between the love of his wife

and the love of his sister.

I was stuck in the middle, literally, I was stuck!

IVANKA: Where're you going?

No, you don't get out of the tub!

She gets out of the tub!

No, I don't get out of the tub!

No, you get out of the tub!

IVANKA: You get out of the tub!

No, get your hands off. (SCREAMING)

IVANKA: Although I'm sure it looked incredibly arousing,

I was really devastated

that Vance did not pick me over his sister.

It turns out that blood is thicker than hot boobs, too.

♪ We're in the hugs

♪ We're in the hugs ♪

Yeah! (GUNS FIRING)

Today, I am putting on a fashion show

to debut my new fashion line,

Fee Phi Fo Phe.

About Phe Phe.

(WHISPERING) Fashion show!

This is gonna make me a household name in Vegas, baby!

As long as people don't actually need to see the fashions.

See, I hired some gay guys to design my fashion line

because, hey, I can't do everything myself.

But it turns out,

not all gay guys know how to design clothes.

How was I supposed to know that?

But at least I have Adonis here

to produce this show for me

and he is going to make everything look so amazing

that nobody's even going to realize

there are no fashions in my fashion show.

(ADONIS CHUCKLING AND WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)

Hey, baby!

I don't see any decorations

or lights or people.

Babe, you only gave me a $100,000 to produce this show!

Invites? Cost a lot more!

Okay. Yeah.

If people see tons of decor,

fancy food, flashing lights,

tables, chairs.

All that does is distract from the real star of the show,

Phe Phe.

Huh?

Yeah, I hear you!

Oh, I know you hear me. Mmm-hmm.

But are you listening? Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah. I heard you.

Okay. Okay.

Being married to Phe Phe can be challenging.

I mean, she's always flooding me with these questions,

like, "Where're you going with all that cash?"

"Why you hiding money in a mattress?"

"Why you got three different social security numbers?"

It's like, "Damn, baby!

"You've got to loosen up that leash a little bit."

Shit, I had more freedom in the pen!

Looks like my work here is done. I'm out of here.

Oh!

You're leaving? Yo!

You wild boy!

I'm starting to wonder what Adonis does

with all his spare time and with all my money.

But I don't wanna be a nag.

Free fashion show!

Come on, get in here, girl!

Come on!

With no fashions, no decor and man problems,

I was feeling pretty low

before what was supposed to be my fashion Phe-but.

Not bad enough not to stop

and coin that phrase Phe-but, but still low.

You want to watch the fashion show?

Luckily, I ran into an old friend.

Amanda?

Phe Phe! Oh, my God!

Amanda was my cast-mate from Hotwives of Orlando.

She had some addiction problems that I helped her with.

To Amanda's sobriety!

ALL: (DRUNKEDLY) To Amanda's sobriety.

Bitch, what are you doing in Vegas?

I'm in town for an AA convention.

Okay, so it's like a financial convention.

Um, no it's for alcohols and addicts and drug heads.

I've been doing so great since I left Hotwives of Orlando.

I'm clean, I'm sober,

I've even got a small role on a soap opera, contingent of my sobriety,

but they're talking about making me a regular.

So, I'm actually the keynote speaker

because I've been clean and sober for 760 days.

Congratulations, girl! Thank you.

Amanda seemed great!

But honestly, I didn't hear a word she said

'cause I was just waiting to tell her about my problems.

It's just that every sign says

Adonis is robbing me blind,

but my heart says that's just what love feels like.

Okay. What would new Phe Phe say?

Oh, new Phe Phe says,

"Kick that negro to the curb, girl, okay?

"You are too good for this."

Okay. And what would Orlando Phe Phe say?

Orlando Phe Phe would say,

"You better keep him girl, he is fine!"

Have you seen him with his shirt off? I've never met him.

Old Phe Phe would also say,

"That dress makes you look like a manatee

"stuffed into a school girl uniform."

You should take it off.

Okay, well, there's your answer then.

You know, I would say that you should go with new Phe Phe

because your old instincts are wrong

and they're... They're really mean.

You are so smart.

You are super, girl! Thank you.

You know what?

You have got to come with me to my fashion show.

I insist, girl. Oh, I don't think that's a good idea...

No, I insist.

I don't think it's healthy for me. You will.

The only things I've got here are cocktails.

These are triggers, these are triggers.

It was so good to see you, it was so nice to see you. Nothing can hurt you.

I don't wanna go. I don't wanna go. What are you doing?

Is it like a stretch? Is it like a stretch? I don't wanna go.

PHE PHE: You're going to have the time of your life. AMANDA: Oh, God.

Amanda gave me a lot to think about,

but the show must go on.

So, by the power of Phe-magination,

I'm gonna tell everybody what my fashions would have looked like.

Ha-ha! You can't stop me.

First up we have Jenfer.

Now, if my gays had done their jobs,

Jenfer would be wearing something fabulous right now.

She would've had on, like, a red strapless dress, you know?

And around the bottom would be, like, champagne died, man.

Yes, clap for my fashions, they're beautiful.

Clap.

Clap, you bitches! Thank you.

Man, I'm sick as balls at modelling.

PHE PHE: Oh, look at Lisa take a jab.

It's so weird to be back in all this, you know.

I'm going to be sick.

Oh, here, take a sip.

Is there alcohol in this?

I'm pregnant, what do you think?

Sorry.

(COUGHING)

That's straight vodka. Mmm-hmm.

No, duh, it was vodka! I said I was pregnant!

I need something to get me through this nightmare.

PHE PHE: Next up, we have Rochelle.

Atta girl, it's good stuff, isn't it?

(CRYING)

Rochelle would be wearing, like, a wrap.

And it would have, like, a Pegasus horn

and it would give her the power to fly.

Yes, honey, fly, Rochelle!

And finally, we have Melody,

who would be wearing a Dashiki line

and shrimp and set on fire!

(MUSIC PLAYING)

It meant so much to me

seeing Amanda joining in on my fashion show during my hour of need.

It was like old times, having the support of my old friends.

I like your shrimp. I like your shrimp.

In the end, I think the fashion show was a huge success,

no thanks to Adonis.

Took Amanda to open my eyes.

That's what friendship is really about.

Lifting each other up.

Ready for my speech!

Got your AA right here.

This one's A, this one's A plus.

ACE: Since Jenfer got to be the star of a baby shower

and a fashion show,

I decided to get the guys together

to celebrate me

with a Dad-achelor party,

which just happens to be the name of my new pilot

that I'm shooting right now.

So we got together at Las Vegas' premiere golfing

and shooting range. (GUN FIRING)

I saw this video online with this chick

who's got like big-ass titties shooting two machine guns.

Guys, thanks for being here.

It means a lot... Lester!

Come on, man, you got to be on me.

This show is coming out of my own pocket,

so I decided to hire some cheap labor.

Right there.

That's my sister's kid, Lester.

Guys... What?

Stop shaking, stop shaking.

It's not a bad life or death thing.

You keep saying, "Guys."

Guys,

thanks for being here, it means a lot to me.

Let's shoot some guns, whoo!

I just paid him 20 bucks and a couple of expired Vicodin.

I mean, that's a deal.

You know, I think this kid

is really going to complete my life and my spin-off show.

No, I'm not too sure about that, man.

Having a baby ruins everything.

I'm glad I don't have to worry about that until I'm a grown up.

Ace is (BLEEP) though.

When we had Lola last year,

no one cared about me.

They just cared about our fat, beautiful, magical baby.

Take it from a real celebrity, guys.

As soon as we had our kid, I lost my mojo.

Now, I can't even get booked in Reno.

Oh, yeah, I have a kid and a wife.

I thought having a baby was gonna be like having a dog.

You know, just another accessory

to make this guy more adorable,

but now that I talked to the guys,

I'm starting to have my doubts.

Y'all are depressing me.

Hell, my wife just cut up all my credit cards.

Well, all the ones that she knows about.

But I don't bitch! Nah!

I shoot!

(LAUGHING)

Yeah! That's awesome.

Yeah!

(LAUGHING)

Argh!

(IN NERDY VOICE) Did I do that?

Family Matters. (LAUGHING)

You mean, did you... Did you just kill that guy? Kill that guy?

Yeah, you did do that.

I know, but that Urkel... (CHUCKLING)

Hey, hey, hold this for me.

(IN NERDY VOICE) Are you sure I did that?

Yes, we're sure that you shot that guy.

Family Matters.

ACE: No, but you don't need to say that part.

Let me holler at ya'll in a little while.

I'll catch y'all around back.

Around back where?

Adonis, you drove.

DENISE: I'm a really fun person.

But the other ladies don't seem to know it yet.

So, I have decided to throw a little party

that's really going to hit the jackpot.

Step right up, step right up,

to the Denise Casino!

We've got roulette, we've got blackjack, we've got poker.

Pick your poison!

Wait, wait, this is like a casino party?

Yeah! I know how you guys all like a theme, so...

But we live in Las Vegas. Right.

Why would we come to a fake casino

when we could just go to a real casino?

Am I missing something?

Is it the language barrier?

Yeah, no, why don't you just have your party

at a real casino 'cause that would be fun!

ALL: That would be fun!

DENISE: Does a real casino

have a teeny, tiny, non-working slot machine?

(CHUCKLES)

I don't think so.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!

Jackpot! You win jellybeans!

Yay. Aw... Okay.

This bitch can't throw a party to save her life.

Ooh. Ooh.

Um, listen, we're gonna leave.

We all agreed, this is the worst.

CALLIE: Yeah, even Ivanka and I agree

and we don't agree on anything. Yeah.

Denise, it's not your fault.

You know, there are two kinds of people in this world.

Those who can throw a good party

and those who will probably die alone.

You don't know how I'm going to die!

I don't know how you're going to die,

I just know that you will not have another person

near you when it happens.

This is a great party, you guys just haven't embraced it yet.

Get into it, let's turn on some music and let's just dance!

So embarrassing for you. Hey, I know.

FIRST LADY: I'm so sad for you. Thank you. WOMAN: Loved it.

Wait, wait, don't go!

Listen, we're gonna leave.

So embarrassing for you. Hey, I know.

FIRST LADY: I'm so sad for you. Thank you. WOMAN: Loved it.

Wait, wait, wait, don't go! Wait.

Thank you, Leona. Thank you.

Look, we can all agree this was an awful party.

I mean, this was truly horrible.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

But you know what?

We're all together, isn't that nice?

But the problem is,

everybody's fighting with everybody else.

And it's just, it's killing me, it's breaking my heart.

My friends are all I have now.

My 30-year-old son is grown up

and he's made it very clear that he doesn't need me anymore,

but my friends, they need me.

I want my girls to be friends again

and the only way to stop the fighting

is to start fighting with boxing.

Huh? What was that?

With boxing. It's the only way.

That's the only way?

Luckily we live in Vegas where there is always a boxer on call, literally.

You just call 1-800-BOXERS

and a boxer will be to your house in 10 minutes or less.

I mean, I love this town.

Okay, Ivanka, Callie, you guys are up first, okay?

I want you to think of this like, like boxing therapy, all right?

And Mick here, he's going to help you

talk out your feelings with your fists, okay?

I don't know about all that.

Yeah, I'm a boxer. I don't know anything about feelings.

I just want to see ladies hit each other.

(CHUCKLES)

You want to put your left foot forward, okay?

You keep your hands up

and then you're going to jab. Jab sets up everything.

Jab. Jab. I don't understand.

Jab, jab, jab, jab.

After Ivanka slapped me

for touching my brother's penis,

a.k.a. no reason, I had decided we were through.

Okay, I don't think this is a good...

(ALL GASPING)

Finish her! Finish her!

(ALL SCREAMING)

But it did feel good to talk to her using my word fists.

Oh, I like this therapy. One...

You're healing, you're healing. Two...

This feels very healing to me. Three...

That was a powerful conversation.

All right, that was a good first match.

A lot of times with women, nobody gets hurt.

Yeah, that was really nice. That was really...

I wanted First Lady and Jenfer to go next,

but Jenfer just texted that she can't come

because her baby just dropped

and she's drinking away the pain.

Guess what, babies drop at the end of a pregnancy.

That means Jenfer is nine months pregnant.

So when did she get pregnant?

(MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY)

June, no. Minus the one. You got to divide that.

So, Phe Phe, Denise,

let's put Chair-nobyl to rest.

We already did that!

Actually Phe Phe, I kind of feel like

when you were insulting my party tonight,

it felt like that was a lot of shade.

Yeah, I felt that, too, you two should fight.

I don't even know you, all right?

You be quiet. I will knock you out.

Really? Then jump in, baby, jump in.

You don't know me.

Just by you talking to him and not really directing it at me,

that feels like shade, too.

Oh, you don't know shade, honey, okay?

Because you're dealing with the new Phe Phe

and you're lucky because the old Phe Phe

throws shade literally.

(GASPING) Whoa!

DENISE: Okay,

you want to throw some literal shade?

I can throw literal shade, too!

Hey! This tree,

looks pretty shady, huh?

MICK: No, no, no, no!

Like if you stood under it, maybe,

you wouldn't get a sunburn!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Oh, no! That bitch did not throw a tree at me!

Oh, I did!

Okay, you want to throw shade!

I want to throw shade! Well, then let's throw shade!

Hey, come on, you don't want to do that.

Just fight each other.

You want shade? DENISE: I want it!

Here it comes, bitch!

(SCREAMING)

I once saw a man kill another man in the ring.

But I've never seen anything as brutal as that shade.

Well, I happen to have brought some shade to the party tonight

for us to listen to. PHE PHE: Oh, really?

How's this for shade?

Oh, that's it, oh, my God!

Look at that, you ignorant bitch!

That is Sade! Sade!

Okay, okay, stop fighting!

You're right, what are we fighting for?

No, I don't care about that!

I just figured something out!

If Jenfer is nine months pregnant...

Oh, my God!

I know, babe.

That means...

That means...

That means the baby is mine!

(SQUEALING)

It can't be possible, right?

No, I don't think so.

Not what I thought you were going to say.

(SCREAMING)

Sha-la-lom! Matty G here with the Hotwives cool down.

We're live from the treehouse

and wow, what an episode full of terrible violence.

And speaking of terrible violence,

joining me tonight is Hotwife of Orlando, Shawna.

Are you saying that I'm terrible at violence?

Cause I'm amazing at violence, okay?

I will murder you! You are dead!

Wow, sounds like fun. Stay tuned.