Original subtitles

PHE PHE: Previously, on The Hotwives of Las Vegas.

We got pregnant after we got married

and way, way, way, after First Lady and Ace broke up.

That a girl. I'm drinking for two, now.

(BOTH LAUGH)

My love, get my bubble cauldron. Okay.

I'll get it this time.

I always hold the soap for Vance at charity parties.

I'm excited to introduce them all to my new boyfriend, Kelly.

It'll be a little intimidating

'cause there's a celebrity present.

Who's the celebrity?

Jenfer and I are pregnant.

(WHIMPERING CRY)

JENFER: I'm drunk, and it's only 8:00 a.m.

FIRST LADY: I take what I want in life. That's why I shoplift.

IVANKA: I'm not American, but I know how to make fun of them.

PHE PHE: Say it. Don't say it.

LEONA: Your business is my business, and business is bad.

DENISE: I love animals. I just can't keep them alive.

CALLIE: People always want to know what I'm thinking.

The truth is, I'm not thinking anything.

I was disturbed after Ivanka's drought party/bubble show.

Hey, get your hands off of me!

There is no need to push me out.

DENISE: No need to push me!

Denise had a nervous breakdown. And even worse, I got sat at the small table.

I mean, that is shade that sticks. So I was glad for the distraction of my radio show.

We got a great slot, 4:15 drive time.

4:15 a.m., which is drive time for truckers and meth-heads

which is pretty much everyone in Vegas.

And we follow this stripper review show, The Girth from Perth.

I think the only solution is to out Prime Minister Tony Abbott

and get Murdoch out of Australian politics.

Well said, Keith. Well, unfortunately that's all the time that we have for today.

Make sure you come and check out our live review show on the strip,

at The Girth from Perth showroom every single night.

(CLUB MUSIC PLAYS)

These boys are so great. I've learned a lot about Australian politics.

And genital warts.

(REPEATING) Red leather, yellow leather.

My show's called Leona Talks At You.

It was a call-in show but nobody called in

so now it's a call-out show,

where I call people and tell them what to do and why.

(CLEARS THROAT)

You know, like a good mother does.

MAN: Going in three, two, one.

Hey, it's Leona talking at you, so shut your mouth and open up your ears.

Today's topic is how to have a tough conversation with a friend.

How do you tell someone something that you know is going to hurt them?

I heard something that I knew would really upset First Lady,

so I wanted she should hear it from me first.

You know, it is so hard to see a friend walking around,

blissfully unaware that their life is falling apart.

FIRST LADY: It's the middle of the night, is everything okay?

Oh yeah, I'm great, I'm great.

Listen, can I ask you something?

If I heard something,

would you want to hear it, even if it was going to hurt you?

FIRST LADY: No, I don't want to hear it.

It was obvious she didn't want to know

so it was killing me that I had to tell her.

There's a rumor going around that Jenfer and Ace cheated on you.

And that she's actually eight months pregnant.

What? No. That can't be.

But she's my friend.

I know Leona is just looking out for me by not taking, "No" for an answer.

Though, I was definitely saying, "No."

(SOBBING) No, I don't believe it, why would they betray me?

I don't know. What do you think, listeners? Call up now!

Wait, am I on the radio? You're on the air.

JENFER: This is Jenfer in Las Vegas, first time caller.

Lots of rumors aren't true. For example, that one about me and Ace cheating on you.

That's just a great example, thanks, sweetheart.

FIRST LADY: What? You can't cite that as an example.

Oh, we got another caller! (CHUCKLES)

The phone is ringing off the hook, here.

DENISE: Hey guys, it's Denise, are you guys mad at me or something?

FIRST LADY: Enough of this! Jenfer, did you have sex with Ace while I was with him?

I need to know.

That's a great question, that's a really great question, hon,

but unfortunately, we are out of time for this week.

Listen, remember!

When in Las Vegas and lookin' for some healthy eats,

hit up Viva Las Vegans on Nellis Boulevard.

Their tofu is the jackpot!

Ding ding ding ding!

FIRST LADY: Are you doing a commercial? Yeah.

CALLIE: Ivanka did something that I am really pissed about.

Which is why I asked her to meet me

somewhere that we Wiccans go,

when we need to replenish our supplies and our auras.

A place I feel safe.

Welcome to Tough Topic... Oh, hey, Callie.

Blessed be the dark. Hey Todd, dark descent to you.

I'm looking for some protection totems today.

Sure, they're in the back by the black lights,

and The Crow posters.

Great. May darkness shroud your way.

His darkness is our light.

IVANKA: Callie asked me to meet her at some spooky devil store.

(GASPS) This one's like the Dark Lord's cock.

And to be honest, after her rude, competing orgasm

at my party, I didn't really feel like it.

How are you? I'm not well.

And I think you know why. Why?

Ivanka, like the other girls,

has never respected my religion.

But this time, she has gone too far!

Last night, I had a terrible dream

where you said a lot of disparaging things

about my religion, and frankly I'm furious.

How could I affect your dreams?

(SCOFFS) It is bad enough that I have to put up with the snide comments

and questions, like "Did you get a new cat in real life?"

How else does one ask "Did you get a new cat?" But then...

You tell me how else you ask "Did you get a new cat?"

Ugh! You don't.

But then for you to come into my dreams, (SCOFFS)

and disparage my religion...

(SOBBING) ...is not okay.

We witches, we suffer so much for our gift.

All I wanna say is,

this is not over and you had better watch your dream back!

Bye, Todd. TODD: Bye, Callie.

You see what you're doing? It's not me. No, it's you.

I do ask a lot of questions.

You're better than that, babe. I am!

(GASPS) Good morning, baby.

Hey, there's my pretty young thing.

ADONIS: I missed you.

I'm in a really great place right now, and I have got to say,

Adonis has a lot to do with that.

So this is what I'm going to do, Uh-huh.

I am going to get myself together, go to the spa... You deserve it.

Yes, and I'm gonna get myself a facial,

I'm gonna get a massage. What are you gonna do?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

What's with the interrogation?

Baby, you have to trust me.

You're right.

Okay? Yeah. Yes. Yes.

You are right. I'm right.

I trust you completely.

There you go.

You bought, you bought a Cessna?

Wow.

Another question.

Adonis was right! I had asked him another question.

I love the way he calls me on my (BLEEP).

You know what? I'm gonna get out of here.

It's hard to produce like this, baby.

I appreciate it. It's hard to work under these conditions.

Oh, I know. You gotta trust me.

No, I know. Okay.

I do. I'm going to start right now.

You get back to it. Get back to this producing.

And I'll see you later. Uh, or not. There you go.

Okay? That's my girl.

Okay? (BOTH LAUGH)

Yeah, baby.

PHE PHE: He's really helping me grow as a person.

So much so that I invited Denise out for a spa day so that we could get pampered

before Jenfer's baby shower.

Denise and I, we got started off on the wrong foot

because of Chair-Nobyl,

license and trademarked.

ALL: (CHANTING) Burn the chair! Burn the chair!

So I just want to get us together for a spa day, you know, relax,

see if I could help, because that's who Phe Phe is now.

DENISE: When Phe Phe asked me to meet her at the spa, I was really nervous,

mostly because I'm never not nervous,

but also because Chair-Nobyl had really gotten into my head.

(SIGHS) I bet it was so much worse for me

than it was for those Russians who melted, or whatever.

So glad we could do this today. Mmm-hmm.

You know, just forget about the girls and the chairs and just bond.

Mmm, I really needed this.

I know I've been hiding it well, but I've been really stressed.

(RUSSIAN ACCENT) You want wax all of, or just bikini?

Of all. Yeah. You can wax it all off.

There is nothing like getting your vag and butthole waxed

to bring women closer together.

What's stressing you out, girl? You want to talk about it?

(SIGHS)

The divorce, it's been...

(TEARING) (SCREAMS) Hard!

(GROANS)

I know exactly what you're going through, trust me. I feel your...

(TEARING) (SCREAMS) Pain!

(GROANS)

It's just, I gave up my career to be there for my daughter

(TEARING) growing (SCREAMS) up!

Well, I had to be there to let the nannies in to watch her.

Motherhood is the hardest job in the

(TEARING) (SCREAMS) world!

Switch legs, please.

You know, I was a dancer, a showgirl.

I could've gone to Broad...

(TEARING) (SCREAMS) Way!

(GASPS) Both legs.

But now that my daughter is older, I've met Kelly.

And I really like him, you know?

But my daughter doesn't, and she wants me to break up with him.

(BLEEP)

See, that's the dilemma.

You've gotta do what makes you happy.

(TEARING) Ohhh!

WAXER: Turn over. Hold butt cheeks open, please.

I mean, look at me. Look at me.

I am living my dreams.

You look so happy!

(YELLING) Ugh!

Because I am happy.

(TEARING) Ah!

We put cream on butt crack. Let dry one minute.

Thank you. It's very cooling.

So you think I should stay with Kelly. Hell, no!

Everybody says he's an ass and I hate him.

It was really good to talk to Phe Phe,

but it left me feeling a little raw in my heart.

And also in my butthole.

I just hope your baby is half as beautiful as mine,

but it won't be 'cause that's statistically impossible.

When has thinking you're genetically superior ever led to anything bad?

LEONA: With everyone on edge lately, I just wanted to do something uplifting.

So I decided to throw Jenfer a baby shower high tea.

You know... Hats, gloves, just very classy.

And there's no better place to celebrate women

than a place that celebrates women and all their various holes,

Venus' Mound.

Hey, hey, hey! Where are your gloves?

I need it to look like England in here.

What are you doing? Come on! Go!

There's gloves next to the douche, in the back.

(MUTTERING) Jesus...

Hey, Junior, baby, Mommy needs more sanitizer, can you...

Wh... What is going on?

Get off of him! Get off of him!

Relax, Ma, it's just a lap dance. Just a lap dance...

That's how I met your father.

A lap dance, it's the most intimate act of love

between a man and a woman, baby.

He's just a baby. You're disgusting. Ma, stop.

You don't understand any of this, you're too young.

Stop it! Look at me!

You're too young for... Stop it! What is wrong with you!

Look at me! Look at me!What is wrong with you?

I'm a big boy now.

(SOBBING) Eye contact, eye contact...

At least make eye contact.

(BLUBBERING) I, I, I love him so much,

and I remember when he was a baby, and all of a sudden

he's going off and doing his own thing, and then the lap dance...

(BLUBBERING INCOMPREHENSIBLY)

But I had to get myself together.

Because I had a baby shower to put on.

Oh, my God! (GASPS)

(BOTH LAUGH)

Oh, my God! Oh, you look fantastic.

Oh, you think so? Aw, I love your tattoos.

I didn't know if I should do more cutout. You can always do more cutout.

This is amazing, damn it! (LAUGHS)

I didn't even know there was going to be snacks. Oh, yeah.

(GASPS IN AWE) It's all British.

This shower is so beautiful, it's making my nipples hard.

Thank you!

Look at this one, every touch is so beautiful and elegant.

I tried to think of everything.

Now, I have a question that I don't even care about the answer, one way or the other.

Sure. This is just making small talk.

Is First Lady gonna be here?

You know, babe, she never RSVPed.

And, she also hates your guts, so...

I mean, I know First Lady hates me

'cause she thinks Ace and I cheated on her.

But to not come to my shower,

celebrating the fruit of that affair, is just rude.

But today is my baby shower,

a day for me to just relax, have fun and get my drink on!

PHE PHE: Oh! Happy baby day, Na-na.

Girl. Question.

Should you be drinking with a baby inside ya?

But this is alcohol. Yeah, I know.

(SCOFFS) You know I drank with all my babies and they turned out perfect.

Just take a look at 'em. Where are they?

(BLEEP)

Oh, Mazda, Raquelle, get off that man's lap.

I wanted to tell Jenfer that her drinking was harmful to that baby.

But then she got drunk and fell down and I was laughing so hard I forgot.

(LAUGHS)

It is not funny.

Callie, I love that you made it today even though I do not like you.

Aw, the feeling is mutual.

Aw.

I'd like to place a blessing on this child.

Please.

Place this child in your care and let him serve you always, my Dark Prince.

Visit vengeance upon his enemies and let him drink their blood

and eat their heart, and may the dead rise up to swallow humanity

and to serve you always.

Ave Satanas.

That was beautiful.

I don't speak Latin, but I really appreciated the thought.

Denise's boyfriend is, to put it lightly, a (BLEEP) idiot.

(IMITATING DONKEY)

(GIGGLES) He makes me laugh so much.

Oh, you don't want to put that in your mouth. Look at you!

(SIGHS)

My love, from the bottom of my heart,

I just hope your baby is half as beautiful as mine.

I'm just glad you're here.

I'm glad you're both here and that you've made up

since Ivanka talked bad about you in your dream.

Oh, no, no, we haven't made up.

My subconscious can never forgive the things she said about me in my dreams.

My subconscious doesn't even acknowledge her subconscious.

Slam! (LAUGHS)

Although, it is getting a little tired of getting accused.

(INAUDIBLE)

Are you still standing there?

I think she's casting a spell on you.

Please move. I feel nothing. My body's immune to spells.

But... (SIGHS)

Neither of us wants to ruin your beautiful strip club baby shower.

So we will suffer in silence for you!

I wish First Lady could be as big as you.

I wish she were here but I don't think she's coming.

I don't think she's coming. I don't think she's going to show.

DENISE: Hey, girl!

JENFER: Oh! Oh...

I was hoping you were the First Lady but...

But it's you,

Denise.

I get that a lot. "I wish you were somebody else." Ahhh!

(LAUGHS) But I'm not, I'm me.

Anyway, I just really want to have a good time today,

because I am a newly single gal.

After my talk with Phe Phe, I decided to break it off with Kelly.

I knew it was best for everyone.

I mean, not me so much, but everybody else.

(SIGHS)

I really like you Kelly, I do, you must know that, but...

(SIGHS)

We can't be together anymore.

No! You're not just breaking up with me,

you're going to break up with everybody, including

the Godfather.

(IMITATING) You come to me on the day of my daughter's wedding,

you try to break up with me?

I'm so sorry, Godfather, but we just have to break up.

No, you gotta break up with Mr. T as well.

(IMITATING) I pity the fool that tries to break up with Mr. T.

(SOBBING) I'm sorry, Mr. T, it's just not working anymore, we have to split.

Oh yeah, then try to break up with Donald Duck.

(IMITATING DONALD DUCK)

I'm sorry, Donald!

(SOBBING) (DUCK NOISES)

It was really hard and it was really sad,

but it was also really impressive.

I mean, his imitations... (RAPID IMPERSONATION SOUNDS)

Anyway, I don't want to take away from your day.

Thank you, but it's too late.

Oh.

You ruined it.

When you grow up middle-to-upper class,

missing the tippy-top of your pointer finger

you don't exactly expect your life to be perfect.

And yet here I stand.

Here I stand, pregnant with my first non-bastard child.

Yes!

DENISE: Whoo!

All my dreams have come true.

Mmm-hmm. Aw...

(SOBS)

Hit it.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)

Aw...

I wanted to express my love for my child in the most pure way I could.

By shaking my sweet ass.

(ROCK MUSIC CONTINUES)

She's feeling her power.

Hello.

It's his lucky day. ALL: Yes.

I felt the baby kick.

(SNIFFLES)

Ooh.

Even my baby's dancin'.

I just wish my mother had done one of these for me.

Hmm. (SOBS)

Too late...

(ALL CHEERING)

Oh. Yes.

Whoo!

(SLOW CLAPPING)

It was really silent and awkward for a long time, like 20 minutes.

All right, that's enough, you two!

It hurts my heart to see you two fight.

You guys used to be great friends.

Remember last year when you guys ganged up on Ivanka?

You guys came up with some killer insults.

"Nazi Barbie." That's like, gold.

We did have fun trying to kill her.

Isn't that friendship more important than any of this other stuff?

Leona was right.

I have missed you, I'm glad you're here.

(SIGHS) Despite it all, I wanted to be here, too.

You see? You see?

You should be here! You guys are deeply connected.

Think about it, First Lady!

Jenfer's baby was probably conceived in your bed!

(SCREAMING) You piece of trash!

(YELLS)

Not at a baby shower at a strip club!

(BOTH YELLING)

Ow!

My nails are stuck in her weave.

Yeah, my ring is in her extension, like her stupid ponytail thing.

I couldn't believe I was caught in a weave at my baby shower.

You go down. Know what I'm going to do, I'm going to back up,

and then I'm going to, like...

'Cause I might be able to unhook... Okay, okay.

If I just give it a little...

No, okay. Nope.

BOTH: Ooh!

No, no. That's... That's all I got.

You know what, I'm...

Can I take a breather?

(SCOFFS) I mean, that's the third time that's happened to me.

Weaving Las Vegas!

Wow, you guys! That was a weave fight to remember.

Shalom, y'all! I'm Matty Green, and you're joining me on the Cooldown treehouse,

where tonight my guests will be Meryl Streep and Meryl Streep's daughter,

whose name no one knows.

We'll talk to them about Jenfer's beautiful strip club baby shower,

the pros and cons of butthole waxing,

and their new buddy-cop comedy.

And after the cool down, don't forget to stay tuned for Eskimo Bitches.

These girls have 50 words for "snow," and 100 words for "slut!"

Damn!

Ciao!