Original subtitles

CALLIE: Previously, on The Hotwives of Las Vegas.

JENFER: Being born without the tippy-top of my pointer finger

is a hardship I've struggled with my whole life.

Jenfer and I were inseparable but, her fiance Ace,

used to be my fiance.

How could I be eight months pregnant, when Ace and I

didn't even get together until after

he and First Lady broke up, you dumbass?

Vance's sister Callie has just moved to town

and they're very close.

CALLIE: Blood is thicker than water.

So is soup. And juice.

Do you, Jenfer, take Ace?

I now pronounce you man and wife.

JENFER: Jesus, take the wheel 'cause I'm too drunk to drive.

FIRST LADY: When life gives you lemons, make a cleanse out of them.

IVANKA: I'm better than you, and I know it,

everyone does.

PHE PHE: I'm like a slot machine,

pull my arm, and truth comes out.

Jackpot!

LEONA: I'm here to help, whether you want it or not.

DENISE: I'm not gonna cry. I'm not gonna cry. I'm not gonna cry.

CALLIE: Don't mess with me,

or a smoke monster from my vagina will kill you.

(SNORING)

What's it...

Push it in there. Where did it go?

Oh, good morning, husband.

Well, good morning, wife.

Oh, side lip.

This is how I always dreamed that married life would be.

(LAUGHING)

Um, ex...excuse me?

Hmm, what?

Can we get a ride home?

Check this (BLEEP) out!

I'm a married woman now.

I feel like a princess who finally found her prince.

Even though her prince was with a different princess when she found him.

Anyway, it was a fairytale wedding,

minus my friends interrupting to fight over a chair.

(ALL ARGUING)

(SCREAMING)

But, you know what? The ceremony got back on track

and we had a great time.

SHASTA: Put your hand in me.

Do it!

You know you want it! No. No, no, no!

I did that last night.

As if getting married to my dream man wasn't enough,

last night, on our wedding night,

and not before,

I got knocked up!

That's right, it happened last night.

I'll tell you what, I woke up this morning and I just had

a feeling there was a baby in here.

Baby, where's that cooking sherry at?

Oh, it's right here. Right down here.

Okay.

Mmm. Mmm.

That a girl.

I'm drinking for two, now. (LAUGHS)

We are so excited to tell our friends the good news,

that we got pregnant after we got married,

and way, way, way after First Lady and Ace broke up.

Hey, do you have any Asian in you, 'cause you know, like,

Asian and black babies, people love those.

They test really well.

No. Really?

I've had them in me. Mmm-hmm.

Well, Jenfer's wedding was a complete disaster.

And not just because of that whole chair thing,

but because Callie, Vance's sister,

was all up in Vance's hand.

My hands were cold, he's warming them up for me.

My hands get cold, too.

So, I'm going to do the right thing,

and throw a beautiful, glamorous charity party,

to show that whore

who the real alpha whore is around here.

And also to help people.

Oh, great! Okay, perfect, that goes in the other room, thank you.

Wait.

You know what? I think I'll just have you hold it the whole time.

I think that looks good.

I'm going to need you to keep it very still though,

'cause your arms are shaking a little bit.

Keep it still.

Really, I need you to keep it still!

Do you want to go to the camps?

I mean, do you want me to have to hire another company?

Just keep it still.

Vegas is experiencing its worst drought in known history

and I'm going to fix it.

Because I'm better than Callie.

I can't even believe it,

but I got Antoine Donner,

the party planner of the stars in Orlando

to fly out here and help make my party amazing.

I want to go with an under-the-sea theme,

you know, show people what's at stake in this horrible, horrible drought.

Plus, let's be honest, I look amazing in blue. No, you're wrong.

Your color is dusk, you look like a corpse in anything but.

Also, I hate your house.

I normally don't do parties in Las Vegas,

because it is a disgusting cesspool.

This is tragedy,

and if you were the one that bought it, I want to slap you.

It wasn't me.

Good.

But, Orlando's dead right now.

One catastrophic hurricane and no one wants to party.

Which one says, "I deserve a chair"?

Sin City Pink, or Razzmatazz?

Mom, you are so sad.

You're right, Razzmatazz.

Knock knock, who's there? My baby. (LAUGHS)

LEONA: That fight over the chair at Jenfer's wedding was

real disturbing.

(ALL ARGUING)

(SCREAMING)

Knowing that we're all going to see each other tonight

at Ivanka's charity/ I'm-better-than-Callie party,

made me want to clear the air between Denise and Phe Phe.

Start with a clean slate.

You know? To make room for new fights.

Hi, hon. Look at you, doll.

I'm just really shaken by the whole thing.

It just makes me go, "Who am I?

"What am I worth?

"Do I even deserve a chair?"

That bitch does not deserve a chair, but

this is the new Phe Phe.

So I just want to be peaceful and forget about the whole

explosive chair fight.

Which I am now calling Chair-Nobyl.

You can get these on my website.

Everybody knows, the only way to get past something

is to re-hash it.

Ladies,

my Nonna always said,

you wanna bury a beef,

you find yourself a slot machine,

and you play until that beef is buried.

(SLOT MACHINES BEEPING)

(SLOT MACHINES CHIMING)

Look, you know I got to be the new Phe Phe

so I will tell you calmly,

the reason I took your chair was because

you were throwing shade at me all night.

But I wasn't, I wasn't throwing shade at you.

So now you're saying that I don't know

when someone's throwing shade at me?

Because if that's what you're saying,

then you are throwing shade right now.

I'm sure you know when someone is throwing shade at you,

but what I am saying is, no shade was thrown at you by me.

This isn't the first time I've been accused of throwing shade when I wasn't.

I think I just have a resting shade face.

I've been punched for it.

If you swear

that you were not throwing shade

I guess I could let it go.

I wasn't.

Ladies, I really do not wanna stir things up.

It's the last thing I wanna do,

but, I will say that

although no shade was thrown directly at me,

I do feel like I got residual shade all over me.

I mean, that can happen in an explosion like Chair-Nobyl.

Shade everywhere. BOTH: Yeah.

It's true.

Are you guys almost done?

Because my friend and I, we have a beef to settle

and we want these slots, and I think your beef

is a little medium-rare. (SCOFFS)

Sorry, are you throwing us shade about our beef?

No, you don't mess with an Orlando girl.

You're from Orlando? Yeah.

So are we! What? Shut up, bitch.

No way, hey! (LAUGHING)

We'll go fight somewhere else. Have a great day!

Have a good fight.

Yeah, enjoy it.

You meet the nicest people in casinos. You really do.

You really do.

Now that I'm newly pregnant,

I feel the need to provide for my child.

And I want to do it the American way.

By capitalizing on my disability.

So I'm writing a book about it!

JENFER: I've never written before, or read,

so I invited Callie to my publishers for support.

And plus, I want to get to know her better.

And she's a writer, so she can help me.

I write fan fiction for the television shows Charmed,

Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and Barney Miller.

I want to tell your story.

Because it's an important story.

And I think that you have something to say.

Mmm-hmm.

And so does your missing finger tip, especially

in an adorable little voice,

in...

(MIMICKING TODDLER) The Loneliest Fingertip.

What? Loneliest.

Oh, wow. That's my fingertip?

Yes. Exactly.

Wow. Yeah.

It is the story of a tip

that gets violently severed

from the rest of its finger,

and it goes off on these wonderful adventures,

they're all very sweet, and G-rated.

Do I have to write it?

No, no, no. We have a whole bunch of people in Korea that do that for us.

Ooh, I love that.

Damn it, I love it. Mmm-hmm.

That looks good, God damn. Yeah.

You like it?

God damn. Yes.

Whoo!

Wow. (LAUGHING) I can't believe that she said yes.

I, uh, have pitched ideas like this to a lot of people.

I pitched The Loneliest Testicle to Lance Armstrong.

I pitched The Loneliest Arm

to that little Hawaiian surfer girl with the shark thing...

And, um,

this is the first time I've ever pitched it to somebody

who didn't throw coffee in my face.

This isn't about you. This is not about you.

It was great getting to know Callie.

It is not about you. It's not about you.

(BELLOWING) It is not about you!

This is not about you!

Because you never really know how to hate a person

until you get to know 'em.

DENISE: Kenzie, I need you!

Mackenzie, I need you.

What? What is it now, Mom?

Will you help put my makeup on me?

You're so good at doing things for me.

I really lean on my daughter to parent me.

That's why I had a child.

Do you love me?

Yeah, I love you.

Are you proud of me?

Yeah, I'm proud of you, Mom.

Are you proud of how much I love you?

Very proud of how much you love me.

Do you think it's enough?

It's too much. (SIGHS)

No, that's not good.

Ivanka's party today is super important for me.

I humiliated myself at Jenfer's wedding.

(SCREAMING)

So tonight, I am going to be super normal.

(LAUGHS) Which is easy for me,

and I'm just going to have fun

and introduce everybody to my new boyfriend, Kelly.

Hi, Kelly. Well, Denise,

(IMITATING) Kelly's not here,

it's a wonderful life, George Bailey.

(LAUGHING)

That's, um, Jimmy...

Stewart. Stewart, yeah!

I love it! You loved that.

Kelly is a world-famous impressionist.

He's known as, The Man With 873 Voices.

His show was the most attended show in Vegas

in the '90s.

Until Danny Gans came along

with, like, 1,000 voices

and just took it all away from him.

(HUMMING) Another classic.

A dancing fish?

No!

He makes me laugh so much.

Especially when I understand what impression he's doing.

(IMITATING) Say hello to my little friend.

(IMITATING MACHINE GUN) Oh, ah...

Oh, um, Ricky Ricardo! No.

Um, ah, um, Rosie O'Donnell.

No. (CHUCKLES) That guy I saw at Target.

No!

Scar... Scarlett Johansson.

Scarface. Face!

Of course, yes, it sounds exactly like that.

Oh, Mackenzie! Mackenzie.

Come here and meet Mama's new friend, Kelly.

Bond, James Bond.

But people call me Kelly.

(LAUGHING)

Who was that? Who was that?

Who was that?

Daniel Craig? Daniel Craig.

No, I was doing the real James Bond, Sean Connery.

I'm really excited to bring Kelly to Ivanka's

charity/I'm-better-than-Callie party, so that all the girls

can meet him, and tell me if I like him or not.

Fat Albert gotta go take a big old fat dump.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

That hug from Kelly really filled up my hug bucket,

which is not a euphemism for my vagina.

Though it did make my vagina feel good, too.

Oh, oh, that's perfect.

Oh, enjoy the party.

I thought for the fundraiser, it would be a great idea

for everyone to dress in a sea costume

just to show our support and beautiful breasts,

some breasts being more beautiful than others.

First Lady! Oh...

You're also dressed like a mermaid.

Well, who wore it best? (LAUGHING)

Enjoy the party. Okay.

Oh, Denise.

Also a mermaid.

Ah, well, who wore it best?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Just kidding, I know it's you.

(LAUGHING) Okay, thank you!

Oh, you must be Kelly.

You talkin' to me?

Yes, I'm talking to you. You talkin' to me, De Niro?

He's doing an impression of De Niro.

Because he said De Niro. (LAUGHS)

That's hilarious, I love it.

Thanks. (LAUGHING)

We're gonna go inside. Enjoy.

Argh you ready for a good time?

Oh! Oh, Adonis!

That was you the whole time?

That was me, underneath this.

Wow!

I decided to send Adonis to Ivanka's party in my place

because I just needed some quality time to myself.

And a drought charity party just sounded lame, I hate water.

That's a nice necklace you got there.

My good eye can see that.

Oh, oh, thank you.

I was happy to produce Phe Phe's non-appearance at Ivanka's party.

You know, I love all her friends

and all her friends' houses,

and all that stuff

in all her friends' houses.

Yeah, this is a nice spread.

Thank you. Is that an Onyx Sofa?

ACE: Hi, Ivanka, how are you?

Hi, Ace.

IVANKA: Oh, we don't need the kisses.

This is how you do it, where you're from?

No, well, a little different. Where's Jenfer?

Oh, unfortunately, I'm sorry, I forgot to tell her about the party.

What? And by the time I realized my mistake,

I still didn't tell her about it.

Anyway, here's the big thing I'm hoping.

I hope I don't get in here,

and get wasted out of my mind.

Because that would be wild.

Ace's wild.

Why don't you go inside? The cameras are also in there.

There are cameras in there? Perfect. Yeah, please don't...

Hey! Oh...

Great, I guess we're all going to be mermaids, perfect.

Who wore it best, right? No.

No, I'm joking, of course. We look exactly the same.

What? Junior!

Listen, I hope you don't mind. I had to bring the kid.

I didn't want to leave him home alone,

and I couldn't find a sitter.

I mean, I guess it's okay...

It's so hard being a single mom, it's like, it takes a village, you know?

What's your Wi-Fi password?

So smart with his computer stuff.

Hey, Ma, it's not computers, okay?

It's massive multiplayer online, interactive pornography.

Leona is very attached to her son.

I mean, we all baby our kids,

but, most of our kids are actual children.

Ever since my husband died, God rest his soul,

Junior's had a real rough time of it, you know?

He had a really hard time in middle school,

and high school,

and his early 20s and mid-20s,

and late 20s. And, you know what?

Thirty hasn't been a peach, either.

I'm wearing it best.

When Ivanka invited me to her charity/ I'm-better-than-Callie party

I really didn't want to go.

But then I realized, it was a great opportunity

to prove her wrong,

and to show her that I'm better than Callie...

Wait, uh, I'm Callie.

Am I better than me?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Attention, everyone, attention.

I just wanted to thank everyone for coming here today.

I feel very kind to be

raising awareness

about this terrible Las Vegas drought.

Our reservoirs are at the lowest levels in decades,

which affects our wildlife,

our food supply, and most importantly,

our golf courses.

So I pledge that every dollar we raise today

is going to go to laying pipeline,

secretly, on an Indian reservation, in Colorado,

where we will siphon their savage water, directly

to our country clubs and casinos.

(APPLAUSE)

Let's eat!

No, no, Denise, you're at that table.

I thought it would be a great idea to separate everyone into two tables.

One amazing table with water luges and ice sculptures.

Decadence.

(LAUGHING)

And then another, just really small table

with just cups of dirt water.

I thought it would highlight the disparity

of life with or without water.

And also show people

whether or not I like them.

You saw where Callie was sitting, right?

I think she got it.

(TAPPING ON GLASS)

Attention, everybody, please, I deserve your attention.

Everyone, thank you.

Guys, I have some

really, really big news that I wanna share.

Ace came here without Jenfer.

So I thought he was going to announce that they'd split up

and that I was the only woman for him,

and he wanted me back,

and that he loves every single thing about me,

from how I order salad, to how I crinkle up my nose.

Jenfer and I...

Are pregnant.

(WHIMPERING CRY)

(APPLAUSE)

I knew that Jenfer would want me to

take the spotlight and tell everyone,

so I went for it.

For her.

Now, it's very, very early in the pregnancy, so we're only

sharing this with our closest friends and tabloids.

I'm so... (CLEARS THROAT)

Happy for you.

Thank you so much, that's very big of you. I appreciate it.

But on second thought, I'm totally over Ace,

and if he professed his love for me

it'd be so embarrassing for him,

'cause I'm doing great.

Hey, I feel like Dorothy in Munchkin Land, Woody Allen.

Is that because I'm The Wicked Witch?

The guests should be doused.

(WATER SPRAYING)

Ah!

Even though my party was amazing,

I still had one surprise left for my guests.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

That's my baby's seat right here. This is Phe Phe's.

But Phe Phe's not even here.

Yeah, but she asked me to save her a chair, out of respect.

Oh, okay.

Yeah. That makes sense.

All right, everybody.

I know this is hard to believe, after the orca rides,

but I have one more special treat for you.

My gorgeous and dynamic husband Vance,

who I know all of you could never understand how he agreed to marry me...

(INAUDIBLE)

Is going to perform his newest bubble trick.

Darling.

(APPLAUSE)

VANCE: Bubbles.

The eighth wonder of the world.

And without water,

there are no bubbles.

Tonight, we end the drought

and begin the age of bubbles.

My love, get my bubble cauldron.

I'll get it this time.

(LAUGHS)

The world without smiles

is not a world that I want to live in.

(CROWD GASPING)

I always hold Vance's bubbles at charity parties.

This was my moment, how dare she?

Feel the bubbles.

(MOANS)

They're so sexy.

They're so sexy.

They're also so intriguing,

the way that you do those bubbles.

(MOANING) (MOANING)

So sexy, make your big brother bubbles.

Feel the bubbles coming inside of you.

Bubbles entering me from the outside onto my inside.

Oh, I feel them.

Oh, yes, yes, Vance, it's very sexy.

Oh, big bubbles.

Pop the bubble on my face, not in my hair, just on my face.

You can put them anywhere you want on me.

Anywhere you want.

I'm going to not be able to stand it much longer.

(BOTH MOANING)

(MOANING AND SCREAMING)

(CLIMACTIC MOANING)

(GASPS)

But he's my husband,

only I should fake orgasm over him in public. (SCOFFS)

Oh, I wasn't faking.

Can I blow some bubbles?

(GASPS) What? No, you can't blow any bubbles.

There's a professional bubble blower here.

No one wants to see your amateur breath inside an orb of soap.

Junior, you go inside.

Hey, hey, that's enough! You can't tell my baby to go inside.

My dream party was turning into a nightmare.

IVANKA: There's going to be no opinions at my husband's bubble show!

Ah, hell no!

You did not just sit in Phe Phe's chair.

That empty chair was for me to not sit in.

Who does Denise think she was?

Me? I don't think so.

Burn the chair!

I deserve this chair!

Denise, this is undignified behavior!

Ladies, please! A drought charity, dinner party, bubble show

is not the time or place for this.

Enough, okay? So you're kicking me out?

What? No, I never said that.

Hey, get your hands off of me!

There is no need to push me out.

FIRST LADY: There's no hands on you, Denise.

Oh, come on. So I'm just doing this to myself?

Do not turn this around on me.

I am not crazy. I am not crazy!

DENISE: Don't tell me to watch out for the fire pit.

You watch out for the fire pit!

No need to push me! I'm getting gone.

I'm getting gone. You don't...

Hey, hands off!

You don't think I can see myself out?

I can see... Hey, hey, hey.

I can see myself out.

Hey, don't push me out of here.

(GATE CLANGING)

Between Callie stealing my orgasm,

and Denise going to crazy town,

I fear that my charity/ I'm-better-than-Callie party

has turned into an I'm-equal-to-Callie party.

How can I be equal to anyone?

Shalom, y'all! It's me, Maddy Green,

host of the Hotwives Cooldown.

Joining me is special guest, Crystal Simmons from The Hotwives of Orlando.

What do you think about tonight's episode?

Oh my goodness, it's such a good one,

but I'm sorry, the fact that Jenfer is that big

and says she's only newly pregnant, can only mean one thing...

She's pregnant with God's child!

'Cause only He can make a miracle like that happen!

Go Jesus!

A new messiah, neat-o! Stay tuned!