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[Thunder Rumbling]

% % [Organ]

% % [Continues]

Lord...

Lord, Colonel Marcus Lipscott, D.S.O., V.S.O.P., here.

Look, I, uh...

We need to speak about a chap.

He was a friend.

A decent fellow who got himself involved in the wrong sort of game.

% % [Continues]

Whatever people will say about Henry Bell,

he was no cheat.

Certain... unfortunate things did happen.

I know you see all this from... But let me tell you the story from down here.

In the field, so to speak.

He wasn't really one of us.

City type. He worked in Strewth Street, 9:00 to 5:00. That sort of thing.

I'm not asking you to excuse what he did, but on that night,

the poor chap's life was at a rather low ebb.

- [Vehicle Approaching] - [Woman] Help!

Help!

Help!

Hello?

Somebody please help me!

- Help! - Hello?

Hello!

- Hello? - Hello!

- Hello? - Hello!

- Hello? - Would you stop saying "hello"...

and come and help me, please?

- I seem to have got myself caught up here. - Oh. Right.

Right, um...

Hang on. Hang on there.

- Don't have any option. I've been hanging here for hours. - Right.

Yes. Yes, right.

Um, look... Look, l...

Do you see? Something's caught. I think it's my belt.

[Screams] Oh, God!

Hold onto me, for God's sake!

- I can't... - Give me something else to hold, quickly!

You're so totally useless! Oh!

Uh, not hurting at all?

- No, it's quite nice, actually. - Right.

- Keep going. - All right. Here we go.

- One. Two. - Yep. Yes.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

- Oh, God. - All right.

[Woman Panting]

Good. Leg over.

Oh!

[Both Panting]

God! That was terrifying.

Close thing.

- You all right? - Um, this is London Bridge, isn't it?

Tower Bridge, actually.

Tower Bridge.

- Are you sure? - Positive.

- Sod it! - Huh?

How did you get to be there?

Where you were? Hanging like that?

Well, obviously, I was trying to throw myself off.

- You were? - Only I managed to make a complete mess of that too.

Like the rest of my life. Oh, God! [Crying]

- Now, come on, come on. - Oh, God.

Don't cry. Don't cry. You're not the only one.

I was... I was trying to do the same thing, as a matter of fact.

- You were? - Yes.

I don't know if that helps at all, but...

- I saved your life, then. - Well, yes, I suppose you did.

Sorry I called you useless. I didn't mean that.

Well, I am a bit useless, as it happens.

Well, that makes two of us, then, doesn't it?

- Come on! - What?

I'll take you somewhere for a drink.

Unless you've got other things you'd sooner be doing.

- No. - Great.

By the way, Karen. Karen Knightly.

Henry. Henry Bell.

- [Hinges Creaking] - [Man] Bloody hell. God's truth.

- Look at that. - Oi, oi, Saveloy!

[Men Chattering]

Never mind your bag, darlin'. Come and sit here.

Sorry I've been so long, Henry Bell.

I've just taken a proper look at myself, and I look frightful.

God, is this tea? Terrific. Just what I needed.

Very, very hot. Be careful.

Ah! God, that's better.

- Henry Bell. - Hmm?

Would you really have done it?

You know. Jumped.

Yes, I would've.

At that moment, probably. Not now.

- Are you glad you didn't? - Yes, I am.

So am I.

Why did you, um, want to?

Well... [Clears Throat] My wife, she left me.

- She leave you for another man? - No.

Anyway, I'd just about got over that and sold the house,

bought myself a little flat, mastered the microwave, you know.

And, um, then I hurled myself into my work.

- I was good at my work. I enjoyed it. - Was?

Well, that's the thing, you see. I've just been fired.

- Why did they fire you? - Well, all the usual jargon, you know.

Downsizing, restructuring the management team. You know the sort of thing.

Hmm. It's just a game. That's all. Just a game.

And you either play the game to win, like he did,

or you play like me and you lose.

- He? - Hmm?

- You said "he." Who's he? - Tick.

Sorry?

His name is... Bruce Tick.

I've never hated anyone in my life.

Well, not since I was a child, but then you hate people all the time, don't you? But...

Bruce Tick I actually hate.

He smiled at me and stole my job.

- Now, I came very close to murdering Mr. Bruce Tick. - Why don't you?

What, spend the rest of my life in jail?

Yeah, good point.

- But I still want to kill him. - Yeah.

- I know someone just like him. - Really? That's bad luck.

Who is he?

Her name's Imogen Staxton Billing.

She sounds... appalling.

Oh, she is.

I mean, what sort of woman...

No, what sort of wife...

would be frigid and inept enough...

to drive her own husband into the arms of another woman...

who really did appreciate him and gave him love and warmth and comfort and sex...

and then at the very last minute, lure him back.

I mean, what sort of woman would do that?

You don't think that he might be... a bit to blame as well, do you?

If you don't mind me saying so, that is a very,

very ignorant thing to say.

Ah.

Sorry. Sorry, Henry Bell.

No, quite all right.

No, you couldn't possibly say that if you'd met...

the aging, comatose, bovine Imogen Staxton Billing.

No, somehow she worked it. She worked it.

She, she had little Tony running home to mummy.

She cheated! How could he do that to me?

To me! I'll kill her!

- [Crying] Oh, God! God, God, God! - Spot of bother, is it, mate?

No, no, it's... We're fine. Don't worry.

We're quite all right.

- Is he giving you any trouble? - Oh, look, just fuck off, will you? Go away.

- [Karen] Henry Bell? - Hmm?

Back there in that cafe,

we sat there, and we both experienced the same feeling.

- What feeling? - Revenge, Henry Bell. Revenge.

- Revenge? - Yes!

My psychiatrist told me once that revenge...

is the most powerful driving force in the human psyche.

You're seeing a psychiatrist?

Oh, years ago. I was just a baby.

A baby? You had feelings of revenge as a baby.

Well, ten, twelve, I don't know. But what about a game?

- What if we swapped? - Swapped?

Yes. If I took on your revenge, you took on mine.

I put paid to Mr. Tick. You put paid to Mrs. Staxton Billing.

- It's ridiculous. - It's brilliant.

No motive, no trace.

Just cold, calculated revenge.

- You mean kill them? - No, not necessarily.

- [Gasps] - [Tires Screeching]

Just picture it, Henry Bell. It could be Mr. Tick...

standing on that bridge instead of you.

Isn't that a beautiful thought?

It's fairly attractive, I must say.

- Did you say your secretary had resigned? - Yes.

Elaine. Elaine Smith.

Hmm. Presumably they'll have to replace her.

Suppose so. [Yawning]

Sorry. I'm just so tired.

Come on, Henry Bell. We're home now.

Can't go to sleep yet. We've got to celebrate.

- We'll open some "champers." - What?

[Karen Laughing]

Do you know how to play "Dive, dive, dive"?

Oh! Oh!

Good afternoon, sir.

Uh... [Clears Throat] Is it?

It's a lovely day again.

Yes.

Would you like some breakfast, sir?

- Well, yes, I think I would. - Very good. I won't be a moment.

Uh, newspapers there, sir.

Thank you. Um... [Clears Throat]

You haven't, by any chance, seen my clothes, have you?

- Clothes? - uh, yes.

No, no, I'm afraid I haven't. No.

Only they were taken off me last night.

I, I took them off me myself last, last night.

And, um, there's no sign of them at all today. It's very odd.

Oh, very odd, sir. Hmm.

- Well, yes. - Well, perhaps Miss Karen took them when she went out.

- Went out where? - Oh, well.

- I wouldn't know that, sir. - Still,

until she does get back...

with my clothes, I've nothing to wear.

Oh, well, I'll...

I'll see what I can find, sir.

[Motor Running]

Oh, they fit you, then?

Um, no, not really. Uh...

[Motor Continues]

- [Man] Door! - [Horn Honks]

That'll be Master Oliver, sir.

Ah.

This way.

Careful, now.

Careful. Carefully. Carefully.

- [Kipper Drops] - [Gasps]

Don't pick it up!

You have to ask the gentleman first...

before you go reaching into his lap.

Can I take that for you, sir?

- Uh, no, look here, I can do... - No!

If you'd just let her, sir. Will you?

Go on. Good girl.

Go on. He won't bite you.

You didn't place the gentleman's serviette, did you?

- No, ma'am. - That was me. I should have done that.

Now the gentleman's trousers have a nasty stain on them, don't they?

Yes, ma'am.

Take that one away and bring the gentleman another.

And hurry up 'cause we haven't done the stirrup cup yet.

[Spitting]

[Grunting]

You'll have to bear with Norma, sir. She's only learning.

She's being groomed to replace me.

[Motorcycle Engine Continues]

See you've had a... fire out there.

- [Clears Throat] - Beg your pardon, sir?

That old building or whatever it is.

Oh, yeah, that'll be the old summerhouse.

I see.

[Henry Clearing Throat] Uh... uh...

What-What happened? How did it get burnt down?

It was a fire, sir. Just a fire.

- [Pan Clatters On Floor] - [Norma] Oh, bollocks!

Excuse me, sir.

Hi.

Ah. Hello. [Clears Throat]

Come down with Karen, did you?

Yes, last night. I'm Henry Bell.

Oliver Knightly. I'm her bro.

- [Bird Chirps] - Oh, that's a swallow!

Do you see? Lovely birds.

Oh, yes. Um...[Clears Throat] I wonder if by any chance...

you know where Karen has gone?

She has my clothes, you see.

How come she's waltzed off with your clothes?

- Is she wearing them? - No!

Well, I don't... I don't think so, anyway.

- Uh, it's a rather complicated story. - Uh-huh.

We met last night, you see, on this bridge.

- Tower Bridge, actually. - Bugger!

[Horn Honking]

- Hello! - Karen, thank heaven you're back.

Henry Bell, you look lovely. They suit you.

- Did you get them from the dressing-up cupboard? - It was Winnie, actually.

- What's that? - Karen, where are my clothes?

Ooh, I am parched.

That was a beautiful night last night.

- You were fantastic. - Was I?

Hmm. Must do it again sometime.

- Karen, I need my clothes. - Now let me tell you what I've been up to.

First, I went to see your Elaine Smith.

- What? - Mm-hmm. Once she heard the whole story...

how you nearly jumped off that bridge and how I stopped you in the nick of time.

- You told her that? - Of course. She was horrified.

Wanted to do anything she could do to get back at Bruce Tick.

She's ace. No wonder you liked her. She recommended me.

- She did? - Mmm. And I got the job.

- What job? - With Bruce Tick.

- You're working for Bruce Tick. - I will be. Hi, OI!

- Hi, Ka! How're things? - Terrif.

- I'm gonna go and get changed. Hunt's here. - Yes.

- Is Imogen Staxton Billing there? - Probably.

- Think they both will be, won't they? - Anthony as well?

- Think so. - Your chance.

- What? - To meet them. - What's all this?

- Go and get changed. - Righty-o.

- Oliver? - Yeah?

Listen, would you mind terribly if I introduced Henry Bell as your friend?

I don't know. He... doesn't look much like any friend of mine.

Not in those clothes. No offense. Sorry.

That's quite all right. I don't think any friend of mine would...

- wear clothes like this either. - I know plenty of mine who would.

Then he'd better be a friend of yours, then.

I don't want him to be a friend of mine! I want him to be a friend of yours!

Well, he bloody well can't be a friend of mine!

Now, look, Karen, l... I really must go.

- Just tell me where my clothes are. - I burnt them.

- What? - They were horrid, and I didn't want you to go away.

[Oliver] Tell you what.

- He could be something else altogether. - Like what?

I don't know. He could be from... He could be from our accountants.

- In these? - Oh, yeah. Most of them wear clothes like that.

Brilliant. You can be, from, um... What are their names?

- One of them's called Dennis, I think. - No, the name of the firm.

Dennis and Co.? I don't know.

Dennis, Dennis and Dennis. [Laughs]

[Barking]

[Horn Blowing]

Ah, Winnie! Winnie.

Could you phone our solicitor Mr. Brackett, all right?

- Yes. - Ask him could he tell you the name of our accountants.

- Our accountants. Yes, miss. - Yes. All right?

- Have you got that? - Yes. Ta.

If I'm going to introduce you as our accountant, you ought to know where you work.

- Karen, you can't do this. - Hmm?

All right. If you prefer, I'll introduce you as a failed suicide...

I dragged off a bridge to spend the night with me.

Hello, Karen. Good to see you.

- Understood you were in London. - No, um...

We came back last night. Suddenly.

- May I introduce Henry Bell? - Col. Marcus Lipscott.

Marcus is Imogen's uncle. I may have mentioned her to you, Henry Bell.

Imogen Staxton Billing's uncle.

- Oh. That Imogen Staxton Billing. - Hmm.

- Oh, you know Imogen, do you? - No, I'm afraid not.

- [Woman Rider] How do you do? - [Dog Barking, Snarling]

Daphne Teal.

- Henry Bell. - She's Norma's mother.

- Get off! - Are you helping with the hounds?

No, Henry's from our accountants. He's just here looking at our books.

- Oh, you're a turf accountant. - [Dogs Growling]

No, just an accountant. I'm here looking at the books.

Really? You look like a bookie.

- Where do you work? - Um... Uh...

Ah, Percy. Would you believe this chap's an accountant?

No, I don't think I would, necessarily. Not at a glance, certainly.

- Well... - Where do you work? Carnaby Street?

I've just been trying to find out. He's being rather secretive about it.

- I don't think the man knows. - No, there's... [Grunts]

No secret at all. It's just that... It's on the tip of my tongue. It's...

- Excuse me, sir. - What?

- The information you needed. - Oh, yes, yes, yes. Thank you.

- Not bad news, I hope? - Uh, no, no, no.

Oh, yes. Where I work.

I work at Ullworth, Gladys and Thrace.

Don't you mean Ullworth, Gledhouse and Thrace?

Gledhouse. Did I say "Gladys"?

Yeah, I know them well. You still in the same place?

Yes, we are. Yes, we're...

still in good old Strewth Street.

Really? You used to be in Straight Street.

- [Karen] Henry! - Yes!

- Come and meet some more people! - Yes!

Right.

How could you just leave me like that?

Henry, this is Anthony and Imogen Staxton Billing.

- Hello. - Henry Bell.

- Hello. - Hello. Henry Bell.

Did you know she was going to be here?

- Who? - You know who I'm talking about.

I've got no idea at all.

I'm talking about that little toad, Karen Knightly.

- Who do you think I'm talking about? - Oh, Karen.

- That's who you're talking about. - Do you have far to come?

God, you bastard! You let me come here and bump straight into her.

- Never even warned me she might be here. - Oh, do put a cork in it.

Anthony.

I'm off anyway.

I think they must really like kippers.

What? Are you talking to me?

Yes, I was. L... I was saying that...

[Dogs Growling]

What are you doing to those hounds? Just leave them alone.

- [Growling Continues] - Bloody hell!

[Horn Continues]

- So? - God.

What did you make of her? Hmm?

- What? - Mrs. Staxton Billing.

[Sighing] You were right.

She's quite repellent and rather rude.

[Horn Continues]

- So... is it on? - What?

- Our game. - Oh, Karen, it wouldn't work.

- 'Course it would. It's brilliant. - Would it?

What have you got to lose, hmm?

Nothing. You could stay here in the country.

Winnie would look after you. Hmm?

What's the worst thing that could happen? Hmm?

Imogen Staxton Billing might slap your face. Huh.

So you'd really prefer to go on being trodden on...

by the Bruce Ticks of this world, would you?

Fine, fine, fine! Bruce Tick won't expect you to fight back,

so he'll hardly be surprised when you don't, will he?

- That's enough! - Weed! Wally!

- Stop that! - He smiled at you and stole your job.

All right, all right! That's enough! I'll do it. You're on!

Revenge?

Revenge.

Okay, quick as you like. In the corner.

[Phones Ringing]

Yeah. Can you, can you give me a 180?

Turn it round. Excuse me. [Clears Throat]

Three million profit last quarter,

you'd think we'd be able to afford someone to answer the phones.

- [Beeps] - Hello. Bruce Tick speaking.

No, I am the boss. Talk to me.

- Yes. Good morning to you, darling. - Henry Bell isn't here.

Absolutely. Yeah. With you in a second, sweetheart. Yeah, well, I guarantee...

it will be there first thing in the morning at the latest.

Yeah, it's my first day here. The secretary's bailed.

And that loser, Henry Bell's, left the place in a right mess.

Yeah. Okay, will do. Sure. Ciao.

Love to Hilda... Helga. Right. Whatever.

- Mr. Tick. - One second, sweetheart.

Hello! Give me Personnel.

No, I don't wanna be put on hold. I want a secretary now!

- Mr. Tick. - I'm sorry, sweetheart. What can I do for you?

Mr. Tick, this is Miss Knightly,

and she'll be helping us out until we've advertised for permanent appointment.

Great. Well, Miss Knightly, you come as a welcome relief.

How do you do, Mr... Tick? [Chuckling]

Now, Karen, if there's anything you need, just phone me. All right?

- Mmm. Thank you, Lydia. I will. - Bye.

- Bye. - Uh, Linda...

- Excuse me. Linda! - Sorry.

- Uh, Linda... - Lydia!

Lydia. Um, this is just temporary, I take it.

Yes, as I say, just until we can...

Only I don't think I can work with that for very long.

Mr. Tick, we're very lucky to get her.

- Who's lucky? - She's very highly qualified, has excellent references,

and if you lose her, I can't guarantee you a replacement until Wednesday at the earliest.

Right, Miss, um... uh...

um... Miss, um...

[Chuckles] Uh, let's start by getting each other's names.

Uh, my name is Bruce Tick. Call me Bruce. You are?

Karen Knightly. Call me Karen.

- "Kieran"? - No, "Karen."

- Karen. - Yeah. Kieran's a boy's name.

- Yes, so it is. - [Laughing]

[Whispers] Jesus Christ.

- Uh, right, uh, Karen. - [Blowing Nose]

Um, let me start by saying this. Don't ever, ever...

expect to go home before the day is finished, okay?

The boyfriend, he can wait. The hairdo can wait.

- All right? Business first. Yeah? - Yes, Bruce.

Ha. Good. Um, now let's start straightaway.

I've got a pile of letters on my desk. Do you want to start with those?

- Yes, of course. - Good girl, good girl.

Uh, right. Get yourself a pencil, uh, go to the loo,

do whatever you have to do,

um, but prepare yourself for a long, hard slog, okay?

[Colonel Narrating] Karen was at work...

busy getting to know her intended victim.

Henry was enjoying life again.

[Oliver] Morning, Henry!

He'd forgotten all about Karen's game and what she expected of him.

[Whistling]

[Woman] Oh, oh! [Gasping]

Silas!

- [Man] Stop! - Silas!

Silas! Get out of the way! Get out of the way, you stupid man!

[Shouting, Screaming]

Shit. Bollocks! [Groaning]

Oh, Silas, how can you do this to me again?

- Everything's broken. - Sorry.

- You all right? - It's you.

Yes, l... I'm sorry. I did... I didn't mean to... I, l...

Here, let... Let me help you.

It's not... entirely your fault.

It seem Silas'll do anything to throw me off these days.

[Gasping] Oh, no. Not that one.

[Groaning]

- You're, uh... - Henry Bell.

Yeah. Imogen Staxton Billing. We met at the meet, didn't we?

- Yes. - I seem to recall being rather rude to you. I'm sorry.

Oh, no. I must have looked very odd.

It wasn't the best of days for me, either. That's my only excuse.

Not much of an excuse, really, but that's the only one I can offer.

Do you think you could help me?

- How do you mean? - Up.

Up! Oh, yes, of course.

Ow! [Groaning]

- All right? - Yeah.

[Colonel Narrating] Henry was beginning to feel that this game...

wasn't going to be quite as simple as he first thought.

- Any better at all? - Much.

I don't know what I look like. Thank you. That's fine.

- Will that be sufficient, ma'am? - Thank you. Ample.

Mr. Staxton Billing is on his way, madam.

Thank you.

There's a phone call for you, sir.

For me?

Hello?

[Karen Whispering] Henry Bell, it's me. I just had to ring you.

You're so right. I have just met Tick.

Yuck! He deserves all he's going to get.

- What are you going to do? - Oh, I don't know yet.

But you're going to be so pleased with me.

Oh, hang on. How are you getting on? Tell me.

- Quite well. - How close is the pedigree Friesian?

- Who? - The cow, Henry Bell. The scheming cow.

Oh. Quite close. Getting closer all the time, as a matter of fact.

Are you quite sure that we have the right cow... account?

Of course I'm sure. Henry Bell, I don't have to remind you, do I?

The game is up and running.

You've agreed to it. You're committed.

- Now, look, uh... - Just make her suffer, Henry Bell.

Punish her and leave her for dead.

[Dial Tone]

- I say, is this girl here all right? - Norma, you all right?

I expect it's the ice, sir.

For heaven's sake, put it down, girl.

Oh, no, don't worry. I'll see to it.

Now off you go. Off to the kitchen. Go on.

That's it.

She's very young, you see, madam.

She's still only training.

She's being groomed to replace me.

I see.

I said to Master Oliver, I said...

I wouldn't go until I got her good and ready and not before.

Only, you see, with a girl like Norma,

it'll be years before she's ready.

If you get my meaning.

- All right? - Mmm.

It's just... It's just being here in this house.

You probably know already and if...

if you don't, someone's bound to tell you that Karen Knightly is my husband's mistress.

- You sure? - Of course I'm sure. L...

I may fall off horses and let other women screw my husband,

but I'm not a complete fool, you know.

Come on.

Oh, please, just hold me!

- [Sobbing] - I've got you. I've got you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you very much.

- You're a very understanding man. - No, well, I just...

No, you don't know how much that cry meant to me.

It's silly. I haven't had one for ages.

Well, when I'm on my own and I'm feeding the pigs or something,

but it's not the same, is it?

You really do need someone else, you see.

- Oh. I must look worse than ever now. - No.

No.

No, you look... beautiful.

Quite beautiful. Honestly.

[Clearing Throat]

- Oh, hello. - Hello.

- Sorry to interrupt things. - I, I was just, uh...

Are you coming? Only I'm mid-mouthful through my lunch.

Yes, well, I just have this little problem... walking, you see.

Serves you right. I told you to sell him ages ago.

I'm not selling Silas.

What you need is a nice, placid, fat old mare.

Something you can handle.

Well, I won't argue with you, darling.

You're the expert on fat old mares, aren't you?

- Good-bye, Henry. - Good-bye, Mrs., uh...

Imogen.

Imogen.

That was there before lunch.

Afternoon, sweetie. My little poppet.

Are we coping? Keeping our little noses above water, are we?

Just about, Bruce. Just about.

Good, good. Did you, uh, finish those letters?

- Oh, yes. I've just done the last one. - Good, good. Clever girl.

Um, I'll, uh, I'll sign them before I go.

- Shall I bring them in to you? - No, no, no, sweetheart.

- Um, you just, uh, shift yourself. Come on. - Okay.

I'll sign them here. Oh!

- My skirt... - A little skirt there.

Oh! Nice and warm.

Pen, pen, pen. Come along, sweetheart.

Ooh! That's warm too.

Yes. I'm very fortunate. I have excellent circulation.

Ah. Enough said.

Thank you.

[Coughing]

[Wheezing]

Oh, dear. [Wheezing Continues]

I think I'm having one of my, uh, little, uh...

[Wheezing Continues]

I've got a... I've got an inhaler in the,

the second drawer in my desk on the right.

[Wheezing, Coughing]

In there.

[Wheezing, Coughing Continue]

Karen, please!

Yes! I've got it!

- [Inhaler Spraying] - [Wheezing Continues]

- [Chuckles] - Better now?

Yes. God, you saved my life.

Ah! Good lord. What time is it?

Oh, dear, oh, dear. Um...

Right. Could you call Hilary, please? Call my wife. I gave you her number, didn't I?

- Yes, you did, Bruce. - Good, right.

I've gotta have a drink with this guy from J.C.C., so I'll have to catch the later train.

So if you could call Hilary because she does worry.

- Okay? - Yes. I'll do that, Bruce.

Good girl. Um, by the way. Uh...

One thing Hilary never has to worry about is, is me.

I mean, you know, I know I... kid around, but, um,

as I always say to her when I leave home in the morning...

I always leave my balls with her in Sunningdale.

What a wonderful gesture of loyalty.

[Motorcycle Engine Running]

Up into third gear!

Down into second. First.

Quite a frisky little thing.

So you have to watch her rear end in the corners.

And then you're into the sitting room, and onto lap two.

- Terrific. - Want a go?

Um, no, thanks.

- Blue tit. - Oh, yes.

Would you like some breakfast, Master Oliver?

Uh, no. No, I ate. At the fridge earlier.

Very good, sir.

Of course, if it wasn't for this rain, I'd be out of doors.

What a pity you never had that place rebuilt.

- The summerhouse? - Bit of an eyesore, isn't it?

Yeah. It's, um... It's difficult, really.

- How do you mean? - There, that's where the, um,

parents both died, you see.

- In the fire. - Oh, I'm sorry. I had no idea.

One night we all woke up and the whole summerhouse was blazing like a beacon.

No one could get near it. Must have died almost instantly.

They looked like pieces of toast. Burnt toast.

- How terrible. - They were awfully decent people, actually.

I mean, I know you're supposed to think that sort of think about your parents,

but I know a lot of people who loathe the sight of theirs.

But I rather rated ours.

I thought they were something a bit special.

What did Karen think of them?

Karen? No idea. Should ask her.

Both very different, you see. I can't speak for her.

- How'd the fire start? Do they know? - No.

Oil lamp, possibly, they think.

Was, was Karen here at the time?

Oh, yeah, Karen was here. We were both home on school holidays. Why?

- How old were you then? - Well, I must have been nine or ten.

Karen would have been about 13.

- Difficult age. - Thirteen?

- No, ten. - Oh, yes.

Tragedy must've affected you both.

Yeah, well, I suppose it did.

Fortunately, there was Winnie and the others to look after us.

We coped.

[Phone Ringing]

[Ringing Continues]

Whoa

- [Ringing] - Hello?

- % % [Loud Rock Continues] - Stop it! Don't do that!

Hello, sorry about that. Um, hello. Is this Mrs. Tick?

- Yes. Who is this? - It's Karen.

- Karen? Stop it, Damien. - Mum? Mum?

- % % [Continues] - Yeah, I'm Bruce's new "sec."

- Are you? - Yeah.

Yeah. Sorry 'bout the din. Hi, er, look.

Brucie said can you meet the later train? Okay? Got that?

- How long have you been his secretary? - What's that?

Have you been his secretary for long?

- No. I just started today. - Today?

Yeah. If you don't mind me saying so, I think you're frightfully lucky.

I think he's just completely fabulous.

- Do you? - Yeah.

Must dash. Sorry. Bye.

[Dial Tone]

[Squeaking]

[Gunshot]

[Colonel Narrating] Henry, by now, was completely smitten with my niece.

What's more, he didn't seem too concerned about upsetting her husband.

Why Imogen ever married Anthony, I don't know.

She's always had her eccentric ways, even as a little girl.

Hopeless romantic.

In fact, she seems to have a fondness for swine of all types.

- Greedy girls. No! Get back! - [Grunting, Oinking]

There you are.

Fatty!

- [Oinking Continues] - Oh! Oh, God. Hello.

Hello.

We always seem to meet when I'm covered in something.

- How's the ankle? - Perfectly fine.

Woke up this morning and practically forgotten about it.

Good.

- [Pig Grunting] - [Gunshot]

- Anthony's over in the meadow somewhere, I think. - Yes, I heard.

He seems to have some sort of a gun with him.

Yeah. After squirrels, I think.

Look, I just wanted to say...

I just wanted to... to tell you l...

I really wanted to tell you that... To say how l...

- You don't have to say. - No, no, l...

- I know what you wanted to say. - You do?

And you don't have to say it, really.

- No, it's just that... - What I wanted to say from my side is that...

- [Horse Neighing] - I wanted to say it too.

You did?

Yeah, I did.

Well, that's wonderful.

No, it's not wonderful at all. It's terrible.

Terrible?

Appalling.

I don't want to fall in love. Do you understand?

Not with you and not with anyone.

I just want to get on with my life...

and feed the pigs and grow old.

I just... Just go away.

Go on! Off with you! Stop bothering me!

Right.

No, no, please. Um... Oh...

Don't go away.

Oh, just hold me.

No, don't kiss me. I don't want kissing. I just want holding.

Right.

Fine.

Just say when.

[Gunshot]

R.I.P. One squirrel.

- [Giggles] Oh, Henry. - [Horse Neighing]

- Maybe he keeps missing. - Anthony's an excellent shot.

- He very rarely misses. - [Neighing Continues]

Well...

Maybe I should be, um...

Maybe you should.

Somebody left the top gate open.

Cows are all down here now, eating your flowers.

Just thought you might like to know.

- Oh, God. - [Cows Mooing]

- God! - This might have been me.

Had a bit of trouble with the gate.

[Imogen] Just give me a hand, will you?

Not frightfully good with cows. L...

[Mooing]

- Oh. - Up there.

- [Mooing Continues] - Come on. Up, up. Come on.

Go on. Up, up, up.

[Straining]

Oh. Good afternoon, Bruce. Good lunch, as usual?

Uh, pretty good, pretty good. These for me?

- Yes. - Right.

[Clears Throat] I'm going to, uh, catch the early train,

so if you could, uh, hold the fort for me?

Of course I will, Bruce.

You and Hilary are going out, are you?

No, no. Um, just, uh, thought I'd put in an appearance.

You know, cool the atmosphere.

- Oh, dear. - No. It's nothing. It's just, um...

Well.

Do you want to talk about it, Bruce?

Uh, well... Well, I tell ya, it's mad.

It's crazy, really. Um, but, well, she...

She seems to think I'm, uh, up to something.

Up to something?

You know, uh, fooling around.

- Nooky, you know. - Oh, really, Bruce.

I mean, um, who with?

Well, I hate to have to say this,

but, um, um, well, with you.

- Me? - [Laughs]

Hilary says you sound like a scrubber.

Really? Oh.

Oh, look, forget it. Forget it.

Anyway, the thing is, you can cut it with a knife back home.

Look. Look at this. There you go. Peace offering.

- That'll cheer her up, I'm sure. - I hope to God it does. Right.

I'm gonna sign these, then catch the early one.

Coat and attache case.

[Coughing]

Have you got your inhaler, Bruce?

[Spraying]

[Clears Throat]

Hello. Is that Damien?

It's Daddy, sweetie.

Dad... Daddy.

Oh, come on, Damien. You want to speak to Daddy, don't you?

Ah, now, Da...

Damien, come on.

Right, well...

Damien, is Mummy there?

Right, well, is she crying at the moment? Right.

Well, when she's finished, you tell her that Daddy will be on the early train.

Will you do that for me, sweetie?

Dami... Oh, God! Right! Uh, coat!

Here!

- [Man On P.A., Indistinct] - [Cheering]

[Girl] Sir? Mr. Staxton Billing?

[Applause]

Oh, Henry.

Henry.

- How long do we have? - About six-and-a-half minutes, that's all.

Oh, well.

- Imogen. - Henry, we can't make love in a horsebox.

- It's impossible. - Why not?

It's just not conducive and all sorts of things.

- God, I love you. - Oh, I love you too.

[Knocking]

Oh, God. What was that?

[Thumping]

- Oi, you. - Hello.

Quick word, if you can spare a moment.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to rule that little number...

out of bounds, as far as you're concerned, old boy.

What little number's that?

That one there.

She's my wife, and she's off-limits, okay?

Well, that's rather up to her, don't you think?

No, it is not. It is not up to her at all. It's up to me.

Listen, matey, I'm being fairly civil, all things considered.

- Civil? - Fairly civil.

- You couldn't be more unpleasant if you tried. - Oh, yes, I could.

I can be deeply, deeply unpleasant, chummy,

if I choose to be, believe me.

As far as you're concerned, this is as charming as I get,

so make the most of it because I am not...

going to be made a public laughingstock by some poncified townie...

with a hideous taste in suits...

coming down here and bonking my wife in my own horsebox.

Now bugger off! Is that loud and clear enough for you?

You don't, perhaps, consider that your own behavior has anything to do with this?

- What behavior? - Well, your behavior with Karen Knightly, for one thing.

- Karen Knightly? - Yes. Karen Knightly. I presume you remember her.

- What's she been telling you? - That you had an affair,

- Oh! - And then you threw her over when you had enough of her.

- She told you that? - More or less, yes.

Karen Knightly and I had... Well, you could hardly term it an affair.

We had a bit of sex together, if you like, for all of a month.

Quite a lot of sex, really.

We tried out all 25 of the bedrooms in that house of hers,

starting in the attic and finishing up in the master suite.

She insisted that we dress appropriately to suit different locations.

Our night in the nursery was, uh, particularly bizarre.

At which point, I realized she was stark, staring mad,

so I broke off the relationship.

She then plagued us for months, writing anonymous letters,

painting strange runes on our front door,

She phoned up, claimed to be the midwife delivering my illegitimate child.

You name it, she did it.

Culminating finally in a phone call...

demanding that I meet her at 8:30 sharp on London Bridge...

or she'd throw herself into the Thames.

- Good Lord. Did you go? - Yes, I did.

I stood on that bloody bridge for an hour and a half, hoping to see her jump in.

No such luck. Not so much as a ripple, so I went home again.

- She was on Tower Bridge, actually. - Was she? Really?

Oh, yeah, well, that, uh... That figures.

Anyway, that's beside the point.

Karen Knightly is immaterial. I'd forgotten her.

We're talking about Imogen. And that one, you�re going to forget.

Stay away from my horses, my cows, my pigs,

and keep well clear of my wife, all right?

You won't get rid of me that easily.

Really? Then I'll have to do it the hard way, won't I?

Mr. Staxton Billing?

Yes. Oh, you won, didn't you?

Well, well done. Jolly well done. There you go.

[Phone Ringing]

- [Baby Crying On Telephone] - Hello.

- [Crying Continues] - [Sobbing] Hello. Is Bruce at home?

- No. He's out. - Who's this?

- It's his wife. - Oh. I see.

He must be out with the other one, I suppose.

- Who is this? - It doesn't matter who I am.

I don't matter, no.

Just tell him if he's interested, it's a boy.

Eight pounds, seven ounces.

- [Sobbing] - [Crying On Tape Continues]

- [Sobs] - [Bruce] I'm home!

- [Sobbing Continues] - Hilly?

Damey, darlings, whatever I've done, I'm sorry.

I don't know what I've done.

I can't, for the life of me, think what it might be, but...

Sorry. Okay?

This, the apology. All right?

Oh, um, look what I got you.

Um... What the hell have I done with it?

Um, sorry. Just a second.

[Crying]

You're gonna love this. When I saw it, I thought,

"That is definitely my Hilly."

Hilly? I don't understand what's going on around here.

- What's got into... - [Door Slams]

[Winnie] Tea will be ready in a few minutes, sir.

- Oh, good. Winnie? - Yes, sir?

Do you remember the last time that Mr. Staxton Billing came to this house?

He was here a few days ago to collect his wife.

- No. Before that. - He was here for the hunt.

- Yes, before that, when was the last time? - Oh...

When did he last... visit Miss Karen?

Oh, you mean when did they stop seein' each other...

romantically, you mean?

Uh, yes, that's what I meant, yes.

- Well, I wouldn't know about that. - Oh, no. Sorry.

Excuse me.

Take that off upstairs, and then you can go home!

- If you're looking for Mr. Staxton Billing's other woman, sir... - What?

I said if you're hunting for his new woman, sir...

His new woman? Then there is another one. She exists, Winnie?

All I'm sayin' is,

if she does exist, and I'm not saying she does exist,

but if she does,

you could do a lot worse than by talking to Norma.

- [Whispers] Norma? - I'm not sayin' no more.

[Colonel Narrating] Why Anthony would transfer his affections...

from Karen to Norma was beyond Henry.

Obviously, he had a maid with hidden talents.

But if it was true,

then Imogen was clearly not to blame,

and Karen's game would be at an end.

A simple word with Norma and her mother,

and everything would be sorted out.

Hello.

- % % [Rock] - Daphne Teal?

This is a bit awkward, really, but is Norma at home at the moment?

She's upstairs, listening to her music. Why?

Well, I've come to talk to you, actually, as her mother.

Well, you better come in.

Thank you.

% % [Continues, Muffled]

Like it?

Yes, very much.

What's Norma done, then?

- Do you want to see her? - No, no.

She hasn't done anything, actually. It's...

It's more a matter of what's being done to her,

in... in a sense.

Well, I think Norma's in danger of being, well...

He's a notorious womanizer, and I just think that...

Norma's just another one of his conquests.

- Who is it? - You must promise...

- Who is it? Tell me his name. - You mustn't take this...

Well, it's Anthony Staxton Billing.

Anthony Staxton Billing?

- Yes. - With Norma?

Norma! Norma!

- [Girl] Hello? - Come down here now!

- In a minute. - Now! Do you hear? Now!

- I must ask you not to... - It's all right, thank you.

- You can leave this with me now, thank you. - What is it?

Oh, evening, Mr. Bell.

- Hello, Norma. - What do you want?

You just had to have him, didn't you?

Somebody else's, and you just had to have him!

- Have who? - You know bloody well who, you cheap little jezebel!

- No, no! - Look at you, coated in tart's makeup.

Trousers so tight, you can see every brazen bump God gave you!

It had to be him, didn't it? I knew it!

It had to be Tony Staxton Billing, didn't it?

- Mr. Staxton Billing? - You little tart, you are!

- [Screaming] - You!

[Bruce] Hilly!

You're being really silly.

- [Screaming] - Hilly!

- [Henry] Come on, come on! - [Daphne Yelling]

- Come on! [Straining] - You! Come out!

Come on!

[Screams] Get off me! You...

- Would... Do you mind? - Come on, come on!

All right! All right!

I've finished with her.

Good.

- No, no, wait! Come on, wait! - [Whimpering]

Just a minute!

Where are you going?

I'm going to have a word with Mr. Staxton Billing.

- Excuse me. - [Norma Whimpering]

Don't you think you ought...

[Whimpering Continues]

Golly, are you all right?

I haven't had him. What is she going on about?

- What? - I wouldn't want her fella.

I wouldn't want her old fella anyway.

- Her old fella? - [Crying]

[Hilary Screaming]

Afternoon, Gordon. [Coughing]

- Hilly... Hilly, darling! - % % [Cell Phone Ringing]

% % [Cell Phone]

Hello?

- Karen, I need to talk to you. - Henry Bell, it's so good to hear your voice.

I have found the way. I have Tick in my sights.

- What are you doing? - Hmm? It's brilliant. Brilliant.

I am brilliant. You're going to be so pleased with me.

Karen, wait. About Anthony, he left you for another woman.

Daphne Teal.

Nonsense! No, no, no. No one would leave me for that old tart.

Well, he did, and Imogen had nothing to do with it.

Henry Bell, you're not seriously getting involved with the Friesian, are you?

Because that's not in our game.

Not at all it isn't, and you know it.

You must punish her and leave her for dead.

And don't you try and cheat me, Henry Bell,

because I make a very bad enemy.

Very bad. I take revenge.

[Daphne] Blasted hands off me! I'm not going. I'm not!

[Screaming]

[Daphne] I'm not going! I'm not going!

[Screaming Continues]

- Oh, God. - [Woman] Daphne, stop it!

- Let me at him! - [Whining]

This is your fault.

You dickless creep! I'll bloody get you for this!

I'll bloody get you!

[Daphne] Get your hands off me! Let me go!

- Henry, what have you been doing? - Oh, God, don't ask.

The whole village is in pandemonium. What on earth did you say to Daphne?

I was getting hold of completely the wrong end of the stick.

That's what I was doing. It wasn't entirely my fault.

Were you doing this because of me?

You were, weren't you?

In a way, possibly.

It's rather touching.

- Evening, Imogen. - Oh, hello, Uncle. Excuse me.

Um, I have to go and find my husband.

He's going to casualty. It's only a few scratches.

- We have met. - Yes.

You had a different suit on, I remember.

- Hounds seemed to like it. - That's right.

- [Siren Wailing] - Marcus Lipscott.

- Henry Bell. - How are things in Strewth Street?

Oh, pretty brisk.

Oh.

Not really fair on Imogen, all this, you know.

[Sighs] I agree.

She's a nice girl.

- Damn nice girl. - She is.

In a country, in which, in my humble opinion,

is running pretty short of nice girls just at present.

All too busy taking their clothes off and selling corn flakes.

Anyway, Imogen means a lot to me.

And to me.

We shall see.

[Siren Wailing]

While I'm here, you're probably aware you've stirred up a hornet's nest.

- Yes. - Managed to slander half the neighborhood,

including my nephew-in-law Anthony.

Yes, well, most of what I said was true, as it happens.

I might have got the wrong woman, but...

Don't give a tinker's whether it's true or not.

Can't go around saying things like that, not in this village.

Well, why not, if it's true?

For the love of Mike, man, it's just not on. It really isn't.

You've spread accusations about a chap,

some of which were, as it happens, entirely false.

And now he's demanding satisfaction from you.

- What sort of satisfaction? - What do you suppose? A duel, man!

- A duel? - He suggests guns.

Guns? Don't be absurd. We can't fight a duel.

- Why not? - Well, people just don't do that anymore.

Well, they do around here.

Sorry. I'm having a bit of trouble with this. Have you actually done this?

When things reach a certain stage between two chaps,

it becomes more or less inevitable.

Sorry. I can't accept this.

Besides, Anthony Staxton Billing's an experienced gunsman.

I've never fired a shot in my life.

Oh, you never know. You may have beginner's luck.

That's very reassuring.

Within your rights to refuse, of course, but you won't be welcome here anymore.

Look at it this way. If you do win,

that makes Imogen a widow.

The way's clear for you to marry her.

Free farmhouse to boot.

Come on! Do you want the girl or don't you?

- Well, yes, of course I do, but... - Excellent! Good man!

[Bruce] She's thrown me out.

Oh.

- If there's anything I can do... - [Toilet Flushes]

Oh, Karen, sweetie.

Don't do that, Bruce. That is not going to help, is it?

Sorry, sorry. I just need some reassurance.

I don't know how you can help me. Um, watch the door.

Uh, shirt.

The trouble is, Hilary thinks you're...

- Responsible? - It's ridiculous. I mean...

Ridiculous. What if I talk to her?

Oh, she wouldn't listen. She's obsessed.

She's got this image of you. You're some sort of sexy, beautiful... You know.

Yeah, would that I were.

I mean, you know what I mean.

Bruce, look, what if you were to invite her somewhere...

for a talk to thrash things out,

and I was just to, um, just happen to wander in.

What, you mean here at the office? I couldn't.

No, no. Somewhere nearby. A quiet wine bar, say.

And then you could meet her,

and then I could just stroll in and say,

"Oh, Bruce! Oh, I'm so glad to have caught up with you."

Mr. Tick. Better make it Mr. Tick, not Bruce.

"Oh, Mr. Tick, I'm so glad I caught up with you.

These urgent papers need your signature."

- You see? - Yes, yes.

And then she can meet me face-to-face.

You could say, " By the way, Hilary, have you met, um, Karen?"

Hello. Thank you for coming. Thank you, darling.

One drink, Bruce. That's all I'm having.

Yes, of course. Of course, sweetie.

Please don't call me sweetie. You know I hate it.

No, no, sorry. Sorry, love.

Mmm! You want a cheese ball?

No! What did you want to say?

I don't want to be here long. Mother's outside with Damien.

Oh, bless her. How is she?

She's livid, Bruce. She thinks you're a shit, and so do I.

Now what is it?

- This has all been a conspiracy. - Oh, not again.

Someone is deliberately trying to break up my marriage.

- Bruce! - It's true!

But who, Bruce? Who would want to do that?

I don't know. Somebody wants to. That's all I know.

Look, I'm going.

There's obviously nothing new to be said, is there?

You can't go yet!

- Hilary, your wine! - Monsieur, your bill!

Good-bye, Bruce.

I'll talk to Arnold about the divorce.

Don't worry, I won't be vindictive.

I think we can settle it all quite quietly.

Sit back, Damien.

Hilary. Hilary, what are you saying?

It's Bruce. It's Brucie, baby. Remember my promise?

I always left them with you. I swear it. I always left them with you, sweetie.

Well, congratulations. All I can say is, you must have a second pair, Bruce.

Hilly, Hilly, baby, please. Please don't go.

Bruce, get up. Everyone is staring.

- Please don't leave me! - Bruce!

Please, you have to stay. You have to meet her. Please, Hilly.

What are you talking about? Meet who?

[Karen] Yoo-hoo! Brucie, hi!

Who is that?

Th-That's Miss... Oh, my God.

Th-That's Miss...

- That's Miss... - Oh, I don't mean to trouble you,

but you forgot to sign these, didn't you?

Oh, hello. You must be Hilary.

I'm Karen, Bruce's little helper.

You bastard! Is this what you brought me here for?

- No, she's... I don't why she's... - That's it, Bruce.

Forget it. Gloves off now. Total war, all right?

And as for you, you're welcome to him.

From the look of you, you thoroughly deserve each other.

Hilly, Hilly, don't go! Please, Hilly!

Are you going to sign these for me, Bruce?

You little... You little...

It was you, wasn't it? You all along!

Who's paying you to do this to me? Who?

[Coughing, Gagging]

I can't... Karen, I can't...

My inhaler's in there.

[Coughing, Wheezing]

Monsieur?

- [Horn Honks] - [Man] Get out of the way!

Karen, have you got it?

No, silly. This is my perfume.

Can't find your inhaler.

[Wheezing] I'm...

I'm gonna kill you for what you've done to me,

you scheming little tart!

- Bruce? - [Gasping]

Someone get a doctor, please. I don't think this man is very well.

Why are you doing this to me?

For what you've done.

To who?

[Whispers] Henry Bell.

H-H-Him? I don't believe it.

[Gagging]

[Gagging Stops]

Please! Somebody help! Help!

I think my boss has just died.

Right you are, gentlemen. This looks an ideal spot.

Will this suit you both?

Perfect.

Mr. Bell?

Fine. Absolutely perfect.

Splendid. Well, to go over the rules once again,

both seconds will load the combatants' weapons.

The seconds will retire. The combatants will stand, traditionally, back-to-back.

Mr. Cutting here, as the neutral observer,

will count out the traditional ten paces, at which point, gentlemen,

you will turn and fire.

Is that clear?

Perfectly clear.

Mr. Bell?

It's crystal.

Very well, gentlemen. Mr. Cutting, will you take up your position?

Yes, Colonel.

Seconds will now prepare the combatants.

I'm afraid we'll have to keep our coats on, gentlemen.

For all our sakes, this needs to look like a fatal accident.

Wha...

All right.

- It's better with the coats on to slow him down. - What about me?

Ah, yes, but you're slow anyway. Make it more even.

Incidentally, just a tip.

- I appreciate I haven't been much help. - You've been splendid.

I'm afraid I haven't been able to teach you as much as I'd hoped.

But, look, if I were you, when you shoot, I should keep your eyes closed.

- Closed. - Just seems to make you more accurate when you shut them.

- You ready, gentlemen? - Ready.

Then take up your positions, please.

Incidentally, I had a fiddle with the trigger mechanism.

It's pretty responsive,

so don't, for God's sake, touch it unless you mean business.

Good luck.

[Colonel] Are we prepared?

Good luck to you both.

Mr. Cutting, please proceed.

Ready, gentlemen?

And one, two,

three, four, five, six,

seven, eight, nine, ten.

Just a minute! Just a minute! I'm sorry. Just a minute.

This is... totally mad!

- Shoot, man, shoot! - No, no, this is...

completely insane!

This is the 20th century, not the Dark Ages!

We're grown men. We should know a damn sight better!

I'm having nothing to do with it!

- Good shot! - A complete accident!

Are you all right, old chap?

- [Gasping] - How is he?

I'm so frightfully sorry. It was an accident, honestly.

- [Chortling] - What's he saying?

I think he's laughing.

Some bloody accident!

May he rest in peace.

Hear, hear.

Oh, well, I think we all witnessed that, didn't we?

A clearer accidental death than that I never saw.

It was an accident!

Absolutely. My very words.

It's all right, old man. You've absolutely no worries.

We three witnessed the whole shooting match.

Between us you've got a J.P., a landowner and a member of the Rotary.

You can't get more reliable witnesses than that.

- It was an accident. - Oliver, old chap,

take him home and give him brandy.

Try and persuade him to lie down.

Come on, Henry.

Come on.

- Chap's taking it rather badly, I'm afraid. - Yes.

- Nice enough chap, though. - Very pleasant.

[Vomiting]

Don't think I'll take him shooting with me, though.

Not on a regular basis.

Still, he'll suit Imogen down to the ground.

Don't imagine he'll give her as much trouble as this monkey did anyway.

Would you like me to go on ahead and telephone, Colonel?

Yes, Percy, would you?

Try and get Chief Inspector Rogers if he's there.

He tends to deal with these sorts of things rather tactfully.

Chief Inspector Rogers. I'll do my best.

Well...

That should keep you in your own bed for a bit anyway.

[Colonel Narrating] No one was too upset at Anthony's demise.

[Squeaking]

The local wildlife weren't in mourning.

Things should have been rather good with Anthony gone.

They could now get married. Henry should have been happy.

[Thunder Rumbling]

[Colonel Narrating] But he knew Karen's game wasn't over,

that she wanted Imogen destroyed.

And he was beginning to understand...

just how seriously and dangerously she played.

[Creaking]

Oh! Oh, good evening, sir.

- Good evening, Winnie. - I thought you were in bed.

No, I couldn't sleep.

Rather a lot on my mind.

I'm just locking up for the night.

Will you be going out again?

No, I don't think so. I'll just go for a walk in here.

Very good, sir.

Good night.

- Henry Bell! - [Thunderclap]

Ohh! Good grief!

- Good evening, Henry Bell. - Karen, please.

Don't do that to me again ever!

Sorry, Henry Bell, but I just had to come and tell you the news.

Mission accomplished.

- Mr. Bruce Tick, RI P! - What?

RI P. R.I.P. Deceased. Dead.

How... How did... How did you...

Lack of air and overexcitement, I think.

Don't worry. He died with your name on his lips.

This is... I can't believe it.

You killed him? You murdered Bruce Tick?

No. I just nudged him in the general direction of death, that's all.

He was already well on the road.

I don't know what to say. What are we going to do?

- I thought we should celebrate. - Celebrate?

Our revenge. Both our achievements.

I'll have some champagne sent up, hmm?

- Winnie! - No, Karen, please, wait.

- Winnie! - Karen, we don't want champagne We really don't.

It's nothing to celebrate. There really isn't.

- Henry Bell, you're just being modest. - No, really.

What about Anthony, hmm? I consider that rather a brilliant achievement,

- even if you don't. - You're not sorry?

- Why? - That Anthony's dead?

- No. - I thought you loved him.

- Never said that. - You were upset when he left you, though.

- Not really. - Upset enough to want to try and kill yourself.

I wasn't upset because he left me.

I was upset at her for taking him back.

Karen, Imogen didn't take Anthony away from you.

- He left you for another woman altogether. - Bollocks! It was her!

Why are you always trying to defend her, Henry Bell? Why?

Because...

Because, if you must know, I love her.

- You love Imogen. - [Thunderclap]

Yes.

You love Imogen.

I just said so. What's the matter with you?

Imogen?

No! No, that is out. Sorry. That is out.

- What do you mean, out? - It is breaking the rules.

I'm sorry, Henry Bell, I can't allow you to break the rules.

Out! Fault! Out!

This is not a game. Life isn't a game, Karen.

Who told you that?

We made a pact, Henry Bell.

We started a game. Together.

Both of us.

It was called revenge.

Now go and tell Imogen you don't love her, all right?

Destroy her! I don't care what you do, but go. Go now!

- Karen, don't be silly. - Go on. Now. Out!

- Now, just stop that. - Go on! Do you hear me? I want you out!

Do you hear? Out, out, out, out!

- I'm so sorry. L-I didn't mean... - Beware, Henry Bell.

You don't want to play against me.

I'm not playing at all.

I'm finished.

Oh, no, you're not.

All right, we'll see. We'll see!

What the hell's going on?

Hi, Ka.

- Okay, okay, okay, okay. - [Crying]

Okay, come on. That's it. I'm here, I'm here.

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

All right?

Come on. In here.

Come on. Oh, that's it.

- There you are. - [Continues Crying]

There, there, there.

- Do you want me to... - No, no, no, she's fine. Honestly.

Now what's the problem? Tell me the problem.

- He's cheating. - What?

He's cheating. I hate him.

Oh, no, you don't hate him. Old Henry?

- He's a nice man. You don't hate old Henry. - I hate him.

Oh, come on. Stop crying.

We'll find you something nice, all right? All right?

Tell you what, how would you like to have a ride on my bike?

What about that? Would you like that?

Yes? Yes, of course you would. Come on, then.

[Motor Revving]

Not one to get on the wrong side of, if you take my meaning.

Temper like a tea kettle, Karen has.

- Winnie just locked that. Don't... - Normally, we would, but not now.

Not with Karen in this mood.

[Thunder Rumbling]

Oh, I'll be having Winnie bring a bucket of water up to my room later.

- Would you like to have her bring you one? - Bucket of water?

By your bed, just in case. Oh, she'll be all right, though, now.

Always does the trick to take her mind off it with something.

Henry Bell!

[Laughs] God, we used to have some good games!

She's brilliant, you know, at inventing games.

Dressing up. Lots of that.

She used to make us pretend to be different people for days on end.

She was terrific. I was no earthly good.

Could do what she liked with me.

Stick me in a frock, put as many funny hats on me as you like.

I'm always exactly the same: Useless.

But Karen...

You know, I think Karen's trouble is that she gets bored rather quickly.

That's the difference between us.

Me, I'm perfectly happy here.

Smaller brain, probably.

I don't know.

Quiet, isn't it?

Yeah, she stopped. Probably stalled or run out of petrol.

Petrol?

Master Oliver!

Master Oliver, there's smoke everywhere!

- Where's Karen? - Is Miss Karen here?

Of course she's here! Who else do you think would've... Oh, my God. She's down there!

[Winnie] You can't go down there!

You don't even know if she's down there or not.

Forget Karen! I don't care! It's my bike!

My bike's in there! I can't leave my bike!

[Coughing]

[Colonel Narrating] It burnt to the ground.

Gone. That huge house.

And Karen Knightly consigned to the flames with it.

Mind your backs, please. Don't think we'll save much of this one.

[Colonel Narrating] We managed to avoid an embarrassing inquiry.

- Henry! Oh, Henry! - Imogen!

- Oh, darling, you're safe. - Yes, don't worry. We're all safe.

Oh, thank God. I woke up, and the sky was alight,

and I knew at once what it was, and I knew you were here.

- I was so frightened. - Oh, we're all perfectly safe.

- Nothing to worry about. - Oh, I was so frightened.

Oh, how did it start? Do you know?

Well, we're not, um, 100% sure.

Darling, what are you doing? You have no shoes on. You're shivering.

I should come nearer to the fire, miss.

Do you think, um,

you could put me up for the night?

Just for one night.

- [Clears Throat] - And Winnie too. Ollie, perhaps.

Yes, of course. I might have to improvise a bit.

I'm not sure I have enough beds.

Well, perhaps, we could... squeeze up a bit.

Yes, that would be nice.

Good.

Sorry about Anthony.

Oh, that's all right.

[Colonel Narrating] But the really good thing...

was that Henry and Imogen had found each other.

You see, Lord, none of it was his fault.

He was always well-intentioned.

And he really does deserve to be given a second chance at love and happiness.

- % % [Organ: Dirge] - Anyway...

Thanks for your time.

Just thought you should know the score.

Wanted your blessing for their marriage, that's all.

You do know there's a wedding this afternoon, not a funeral?

My niece Imogen is marrying Mr. Henry Bell.

Perhaps you'll do better practicing the "Wedding March."

% % ["Wedding March - Recessional"]

[Match Strikes]

People say you are a stand-up guy

You'd never hurt no one and you'd never try

And you laugh and you cry

And you do all the things that anybody does

To show they are alive

Your friends say you are a careful man

You always favor reason where you can

And you laugh and you cry

And you do all the things that anybody does

To show they are alive

But wherever you go whatever you do

You know that they won't find a fool

Quite like you

Yeah, life is full

Of easy choices

Yeah, life is full

Of simple rules

But when love comes you don't have no room

When life is full

People say you are a patient guy

You'd never rush something if it ain't right

And you laugh and you cry

And you do all the things that anybody does

To show they are alive

And you make those mistakes that everybody does

And you deal with them as you go

From tripping on a shoelace to falling in love

You keep things under control

But wherever you go whatever you do

You know that they won't find a fool

Quite like you

Yeah, life is full

Of easy choices

Yeah, life is full

Of simple rules

But when love comes you don't have no room

When life is full

When life is full

% % [Vocalizing]

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