Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNICKERING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

(LAUGHING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES)

(BLEATS)

I'm okay.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh, my stars and garters. That was a good one.

Oh, best time of my lives.

-Fun. -(SCREAMS)

Greatest race ever!

Truly, a stimulating spectacle,

that I surmise, thrilled and chilled our abundant audience.

-(CRICKET CHIRPING) -Or not.

I don't understand. Where was everybody?

There are all off watching reality TV shows

that allow an emotionally cauterized generation

to bask in the pain of sad, lonely people, desperate for attention.

That's why the shadowy elites who control programming at the Wacky Sports Networks,

the Illuminati,

have sent over a new development executive to spice up the show.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

-I'm back! -(SCREAMS)

It's her, the crazy fan lady who wants to live in my blood.

You are the new development executive?

Me? Oh, no, no, no.

What a crazy little bag of meat and gravy you are.

I'm not interested in television.

I'm just here to see my widdle-piddle-pidikin.

So, where is the new executive?

I gotta go, Sid, I got a meeting. Kisses.

You're just a mindless puppet.

How are you qualified to run a television show?

Oh wait, I may have just answered my own question.

Shall we get started? Does anyone need water?

Racers, I don't want you to think of me

as some super powerful, tantrum throwing, amoral studio executive

who is here to completely change your show

on some half thought out whim.

I'm on your side, I love your show.

I wouldn't change a thing.

Ah, that's very good to hear because we were very--

Yeah, we're changing everything.

Wow, big surprise.

But we're a race show.

You're a race show nobody watches.

Maybe, I don't know, if you advertised it more?

Or at all.

(SCOFFS) Well, as any television executive could tell you,

the best way to appeal to a young audience

looking for bold, fresh ideas is with familiar formula shows.

-What does that-- -Sitcoms!

(PLEASANT MUSIC PLAYING)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(HUMMING)

-Honey. -(APPLAUSE)

Tiny home.

I'm just making dinner,

because even though I have a career,

it's my job to keep the house in order, care for the children,

and be the underused comic foil for derivative one liners.

How was work, dear?

Work! (GRUNTS)

AUDIENCE: Aww.

Ugh, you kids today.

When I was your age I was happy to have a hole to sleep in.

(GRUNTS AND YAWNS) Good morning!

-Get him, he's evil. He's evil. Get him. -(SCREAMING)

Down, boy. I told you we should've gotten a werewolf.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

-(CHUCKLES) Oh, Grandpa. -(DOORBELL RINGS)

It's me. Your non-threatening, next-door neighbor who shows up for no reason.

That was my only line.

Hello, Officer Perfect.

Would you like this pie I baked

while I was figuring out how to tell my husband

the nasty email he sent me about his boss,

he accidentally sent to the entire office and he's fired.

Office politics. Bad.

Hmm. Who is that audience pleasing rascal?

Why he's that smart, elegant neighborhood child

who is constantly barging into the house to deliver his signature catchphrase.

Where's the party?

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

But I'm more than just your neighbor,

I'm your long-lost son.

And I'm yours.

Gah?

Tiny!

As your crusty and easily confused boss from work,

I've come to tell you, you can keep your job.

No one else can reach the intern cages on the top shelf.

But you don't have to go back, Tiny.

Because I'm secretly an eccentric billionaire.

And you can all come live with me on my private island made of candy.

ALL: Yay!

And there's the party.

Maybe not. Sitcoms can be kind of...

-Predictable? -Slap-your-mamma bad?

Horribly written by rooms full of half-witted howler monkeys?

No. Star vehicles.

They get huge egos, they start making crazy demands.

This latte is not made with dolphin milk foam.

I can't work like this, I'll be in my trailer.

We need something new and fresh.

Maybe we should just steal something from the Internet.

I have a show on the Internet.

You made a web show? How?

-Doesn't that take talent? -Not at all, I'll show you.

♪ Slap Slap, slap danger

♪ I'm a rule-breaking maverickwho gets the job done Slap ♪

Thank you, ma'am. That'll be, like, $12.97.

-Yeah, I have a coupon. -(GROWLING)

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Dude, we put the breakable stuff, like, on top.

Oh, do you?

Well, that's fine and good for you pencil pushers downtown.

But here on the streets we have to cut corners to get things done.

Not to heavy, please, young man.

My arms snap like toothpicks if I try...

Do I come to your house

and tell you how to sit by the phone

and wait for your grandkids to not call? Do I? Do I?

(SCREAMING)

(CRASHES)

OLD LADY: He's a rule-breaking maverick, but he gets the job done.

I'm getting too old for this stuff.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

During every second of that, I could hear my brain screaming.

(SCREAMING)

That's wonderful.

We'll buy it twice.

And you'll need an assistant to work very, very close to you,

-won't you, Petey-Weteykins? -I sure will.

-(INTENSE MUSIC PLAYING) -Who's that?

My assistant. He went to Princeton.

I'll take it from here.

You just sit there and hope no one notices all the work you've had done.

(SCREAMING) No!

I knew it.

Hey, now. That's kind of--

He's so insecure, he uses his looks to distract people from his total lack of talent.

And he cries himself to sleep at night.

That's not good assisting.

He has 11 toes.

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you.

Creatives, right?

-I like him. -Ideas all bad.

Okay, then. What about music?

I mean, everybody loves music, right?

ALL:♪ Do the wacky disco

♪ Do the wacky Do the wacky

♪ Turn around and jump Shake it, shake it

♪ We're wacky Oh, so wacky

♪ Now you're really having fun

♪ 'Cause you know that it's the time to wacky disco

(GRUNTING)

(INDISTINCT)

♪ Do the wacky ♪

(ALL GRUNTING)

Nah, animated shows never really pull off musical numbers.

I agree.

You are the worst assistant ever.

Ah, oh, ah! And you're hurting my hand.

What we need is something so simple

that even an American audience can instantly grasp the concept.

Like racing.

Something with incredibly simple rules and pointless danger.

Like racing.

Something with cool cars we can make toys of.

He's going to say racing.

-Something fast. -He's going to say racing.

-Something furious. -He's going to say racing.

-Something like... -ALL: Racing.

-Like... -ALL: Racing.

Bowling!

ALL: What?

Nah, wait. Racing!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(CRYING)

-Hands on. -(GIGGLING)

(CRYING)

Blah!

(MUSIC STOPS)

What? I replaced you with younger drivers.

This is television, what did you expect?

I hate this show.

♪ Slap danger

♪ Slap, slap

♪ He's a rule-breaking maverick

♪ Who gets the job done

♪ Carrots

♪ Slap danger

(INAUDIBLE)

♪ This guy

♪ Don't cry

♪ Caution

♪ Bana gun

Clean up on aisle 6, again.

♪ Slap danger ♪

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

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