Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNICKERING)

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(SCREAMING)

(YELLING)

(YELLING)

PEASANT: I hate the past.

BRICK: I'm in a gopher hole.

PETER: Well played, Your Highness.

Thank you, Lord Peter.

My dashed peasant threw a shoe.

Revolution!

Fresh peasant! His Highness needs a fresh peasant!

Fresh peasant.

Hi-ho, peasant! Away!

Nice day for it, what?

Simply super, Your Highness.

What a salient observation.

Yes. Very well observed.

Simply smashingly observed!

Observation. Good.

Tally ho! The game is mine!

(SNICKERING)

Oh, I say, Lord Dicky.

Isn't this Scarlet Pinkernel fellow

everyone is talking about quite the sensation?

DASTARDLY: Oh, please!

Some gregarious goof in a pink mask

perambulates himself--

Or herself.

DASTARDLY:...over to France so that he--

Or she.

...can rescue a few knock-kneed nobles

from the garlic stuffed massesthose cheese-chewing

Francophiles have elected out of hand,

and brings them back here so they can chitter chatter saying, "Ooh la la"

and boring everyone with their constant babble about goose cruelty,

sock garters and unreasonably tall wigs.

I say, I certainly have a simply spiffy suggestion.

We'll have a sport of a contest.

The first one to pop off

to France and bring back a French aristocrat

will receive this fancy royal trophy

I just happen to have in my stylish royal breeches.

Then let us away!

ALL: To France!

-BRICK: Oh, dash these gopher holes! -(LAUGHING)

(ALL PANTING)

Oh, what's that?

PENELOPE: The English Channel.

Oh, well, as long as we own it.

We need to get across it.

Okay. How?

(MUTTERING)

Tally ho!

(CHOMPING)

May we be of service, young lady?

I could use a ride to France.

England expects every man will be a taxi.

(PENELOPE SCREAMING)

I shall apply the latest scientific principles

to a finely calculated channel crossing.

(SCREAMING)

This is where I catch the Chunnel train, is it not, my good man?

Yes, it is, my Lord.

Then when is the next train due to depart for France?

Uh, let me see. Hmm. 201 years, sir.

Maybe sooner.

Well, that was easy.

Now, we just have to pop over to Paris

and rescue the aristocrat from the ruthlessly sadistic revolutionaries

that rule France in a reign of terror.

How do we get to Paris?

Look! There's a French peasant girl.

I will ask her the way without raising suspicion,

as I speak flawless French.

(IN BAD FRENCH ACCENT) Hello, little French person.

As you can tell from my perfect French accent,

I am a disgusting French peasant.

Please take us to Pariss'il vous plait , chop-chop.

(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)

(IN ENGLISH) Oh, drat! This girl isn't French after all.

I think she's Swedish.

Let me try.

(EXAGGERATED ACCENT) Little Swedish girl.

You take us to Paris?

(SPEAKING NONSENSE)

(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)

See? You just have to know how to talk to peasants.

(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)

What a strange little girl.

I say, what happened to all the French aristocrats about?

-(GUN COCKS) -(ALL GASP)

Maybe they know.

I think that's a good bet.

Prepare to receive the people's justice

from the people's committee of public safety.

Okey-dokey. Where are they?

It is half-past four.

They are still at lunch, of course.

Ooh la la.

Prepare to face the gratuitously violent justice

of the people's committee of public safety!

Citizen Fufu, make a note of one, two, three...

Six execution orders this day, the 12th of Thermidor.

Thermidor? You mean July, don't you?

I do not mean July!

The people of New France have changed the bourgeois names

of all things used by the ruling classes to oppress the proletariat.

It is all the latest fashion.

Citizen guards, have the prisoners of the people take

bottom holder-uppers.

Wait, what? Bottom holder-uppers?

Oh! That is what we call chairs now.

They are over there. Next to the whiffle wangle flattie-eatie off-thingie.

Perhaps we could have a people's dictionary

to familiarize ourselves with these new and very fashionable words.

We no longer have dictionaries!

We call them "Susans" now.

(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)

What is she saying? What language is that?

(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)

(IN ENGLISH) I think she is Swedish.

(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)

Citizen Nose Goblin, send for the Swedish ambassador.

He is busy trying to assemble his office furniture.

(CRYING)

Then take this child away and give her some heavily salted fish

and densely metaphorical cinema.

(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)

We, the people of the people's committee,

find you all guilty English people!

Hey, he says "people" a lot.

Citizen Pickles! Take them to the Bastille!

The what?

Oh, right. We changed that word too.

Take them to... To the butterhat monkey hole!

No! Not the butterhat monkey hole!

Not the butterhat monkey hole!

I can't stand it!

(PENELOPE THUDDING)

(SCREAMING)

-(HORNS BLARING) -(THUDDING)

(THUDDING)

-(SCREAMING) -(GUN FIRING)

(EXPLOSION)

(SNICKERING)

GUARD: Welcome to the infamous and terrifying butterhat monkey hole.

As you can see, your cell is completely inescapable,

and decorated with ironic inspirational posters,

hard-wooded bottom holder-uppers,

and a complimentary table of assorted French chees.

I have here your very last ever meal of the finest French cuisine.

And also this smelly,

horrible slum bucket.

Oh, yes? Which is which?

(SNICKERING)

Ah, you mock our French food.

I shall enjoy torturing you with this slightly cross frog.

No. I shall enjoy escaping

-as I flick your asymmetrical facial blemishes. -Ah!

You English think much of yourselves

with your not-built-yet Big Ben

and systematic oppression of the working class!

Don't you,Monsieur Big Nose?

My nose may be large but it smells very nicely,

which is more than I can say for you, Frenchy.

You English eat shepherds baked into pies!

What have they ever done to deserve such a thing?

(WOMAN LAUGHING)

Sacre bleu! The famous and famously insaneMadame Guillotine!

Yes, it is I.

I have come to do awful, terrible things to the prisoners!

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

Isn't that right, Navi?

You're in for it now, English dogs!

(MUTTERING)

Guard, leave us so I may interrogate the prisoners.

Must I,Madame? I'm really a huge fan.

I even have your T-shirt, see?

I promise to be very quiet.

Come on, Guilly. Let him stay.

Well, all right.

Just stand over there.

What are you going to do to us?

Exactly as I planned, which is...

To rescue you all!

Hey!

Your Highness!

You must be the Scarlet Pinkernel!

Oh, what a brilliant disguise.

No, my friends. I am just a humble assistant

to the one true Scarlet Pinkernel,

who is right behind you!

Where?

BRICK: On that cheese tray, disguised as a piece of Gouda.

-A-ha! -Odds bodkins!

Lady Penelope.

That is a good disguise. (LAUGHS) Okay, sorry.

I am the Scarlet Pinkernel.

And I am here to rescue you with the help of a stalwart band of Englishmen

who are presently disguised as the remaining pieces of cheese on the...

...cheese tray.

PENELOPE: Oh, dear.

(BURPS)

ALL: Oh!

What do we do now?

Uh, um... Right.

Oh, leg it?

(YELLING)

Lord Muttley! This is all your fault!

(MUTTERING)

(CROWD YELLING)

The English Channel is just ahead! Hurry!

Get them! They are heading for the biggy wettie doodle.

What is that? Someone get the dictionary.

We don't have dictionaries anymore.

Here's a Susan.

I hate not knowing the names of anything.

(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)

The little Swedish girl is right. I quit.

(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)

The English are getting away!

Who cares? They will be back as tourists when we build

the Eiffel Tower and then, we will overcharge them for coffee and baguettes.

I'm going home to disdain American children's entertainment

and eat a light snack.

Me too. Who wants frog entrails?

Oh, save the gall bladder for me.

So, I guess that's it. We just go home.

Without a French aristocrat.

So no one gets the trophy.

Well, that depends, Your Highness.

We may not have an aristo-cat.

But would you settle for an aristo-dog?

(SNICKERING)

(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)

(BLOWS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

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