Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNICKERING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

-Muttley, fire the cannon. -(SNICKERING)

Dastardly, can't you try to win a race

without cheating just once?

DASTARDLY: Cheating? Me?

How dare you, Pitstop?

I've never cheated in my life.

You are shooting a canon at me right this moment.

DASTARDLY: Your point being?

- Drat! -Uh-oh!

See there, old buddy?

Cheating never pays.

It would if we were on an edgy network.

Then, I would clearly be the rule-breaking,

bad-boy heart-throb

who gets the dirty jobs done despite interference

from those pencil pushers downtown.

Television is truly a vast wasteland.

CAR:What else is new?

(SQUEAKING)

(ALL SCREAM)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Please, Dastardly. You wouldn't.

Have you met me?

Muttley, activate the excessively violent

and needlessly cruel

road debunnifier.

Oh, well, that's not so bad.

(WHIRRING)

PETER: I don't think so, Dicky.

I'll save you, bunnies.

-Ha. Oh! -(TIRES SCREECH)

(SCREAMING)

Gotcha.

PENELOPE: Nice save, Pete.

Ahhh! (GROANS)

Dastardly, that wasn't nice.

There are more important things than winning.

-Like cute baby kittens. -(MEOWING)

(ALL SCREAM)

Muttley, activate the completely carnivorous kitten cartilage cruncher.

-(DASTARDLY LAUGHING EVILLY) -(WHIRRING)

PENELOPE: Dastardly... (GRUNTING)

Got you.

Why do you even have all those

awful things installed in your car?

It's called the Mean Machine, Pitstop.

Not the Cuddle Buggy.

(VOICE ECHOING)Cuddle buggy.

Cuddle buggy. Cuddle buggy.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

Muttley!

Are you having a super freaky

hippy-filled fantasy about my car?

I hate my job.

What are you waiting for,

you fantasizing free-loader?

Oh... (MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY)

(ROBOTS BEEPING)

I.Q.: Got you.

You stink like dirty feet, Mr. Dastardly.

-CAR:Language. -Sorry.

(EXCLAIMS) Steaks?

Oh, you monster!

Bone Daddy, we need you.

TINY: You got me.

Got you.

-Whoa! -(CRASHING)

Dastardly, pass.

(CROWD CHEERING)

There it is, Muttley. The finish line.

I win!

(ALL BOOING)

Thank you. You're too kind.

Photo opportunities will be available

for a nominal fee. (CHUCKLES)

Hmm? (LAUGHS)

It's mine!

-All mine. -(CHUCKLES)

You kiddin' bro.

Give me my trophy,

you obstructively oafish official.

Oh...dude.

You cheated.

So this trophy is not for you.

This one is for you.

DASTARDLY: Finally!

A righteously earned reward

for my vainglorious victory.

I'll keep it with me always. A triumphant...

Oh, it is not a trophy.

It is an idol

cursed by the ancient Volcano God

of that volcano over there.

It is said that anyone who possess this idol

will have horrible,

terrible, awful,

very, very bad luck.

Hey, how did he do that cool thing with the light?

Dastardly, get rid of that thing

before something terrible happens to you.

Nice try, Pitstop.

But I do not believe in curses.

And I'm not about to give up my trophy, (KISSES)

am I, Trophy-wofy-kins?

(EXCLAIMS) That is a coincidence.

(SCREAMING AND GRUNTING)

-DASTARDLY: There is no such thing as curses. -(SNICKERING)

If those retrograde racers

think that I am giving up my trophy,

then they are even more malignantly

more... than... Oh! Ow! (GRUNTS)

(DINGING)

(SCREAMING)

Told you to get rid of that cursed idol.

DASTARDLY: Ow!

(HUMMING)

(SCREAMING)

Get rid of it, Mr. Dastardly.

(DASTARDLY HUMMING)

(YELLING)

(GROANING)

(GROANING)

Ow!

Uh, waiter.

There is a wacky racer in my soup.

I took a wrong turn at the appetizer.

Cursed idol, bad.

DASTARDLY: Ah. (HUMMING)

(GASPS)

There's no curse.

(YELLING)

You should definitely keep that thing.

It's fun.

Wait, Dicky. Don't cross the street alone

with that cursed idol.

Unhand me, you cloth-headed crossing guard.

There is no such thing as a curse.

See, I'm perfectly safe.

(YELLING)

(SNICKERING)

PENELOPE: Dastardly, you can sit this race out

if you're worried about the curse.

There is no curse.

-And just where are you going? -Uh-uh.

-Uh-uh. -Traitor.

Racers, start your engines.

-(ENGINE SPUTTERING) -Hmm?

-DASTARDLY: Drat. -(SNICKERING)

(YELLING)

-DASTARDLY: There's no curse. -Poor Dicky.

He really needs to get rid of that idol.

(YELLING)

No, no.

There's no curse.

-No curse. -(SHIP HORN BLARES)

(CRASHING CONTINUES)

We can't let this go on any longer.

Oh, bleh!

-(SHIVERING) -Dastardly darlin', hiding under there

won't protect you from the curse.

I don't believe in curses.

I am just down here looking for a...

Yes, this deliciously dirty oil-soaked peanut.

(TRUMPETS)

(YELLING)

How do I get rid of the curse?

Bella, you boys are the expert on curses.

Hey, I guess we are.

This is my Auntie Gertrude.

She's a children's television producer.

(ALL GASP)

-And a crazy old witch. -ALL: Phew!

Do you want to pitch a television show?

The price will be your very souls.

No, we just want to lift a curse from this idol.

It's a trophy.

Oh, that's easy.

Oh, this is a very bad luck,

nasty curse, all right.

You must have been taking a heck of a beating.

(YELLING)

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. Good times.

Okay, what you got to do is,

return this idol

to the island where it was made

and appease the Volcano God who made it.

Uh, not really big with the giving-up-my-only-trophy idea.

What say, we keep spitballing? (YELLING)

(GROANING) Let's go with her plan.

(YELLING)

(DASTARDLY SCREAMING)

(DOLPHINS YIPPING)

(DASTARDLY CONTINUES SCREAMING)

(INHALES DEEPLY) This had better work.

There's an escalator right over there.

I literally hate everything and everyone

in the whole world.

(SCREAMS)

So now, I just have to apologize

to the Volcano God.

Yup. He's right in there.

Of course, he is.

Um, hello, volcano person?

(WHIMPERS)

(THUNDER CRASHES)

Why do you disturb the Volcano God?

I'm here to say,

I am sorry for whatever it is

that I did wrong

and I've learnt my lesson, whatever it is.

So, you can drop all this curse stuff.

Mmm. No can do, Dastardeo.

Before I lift a curse,

I must see a change in your character.

What? But I'm a mortal human being.

What more do you want from me?

Do a good deed.

You just made those words up.

-Get a cat down from a tree. -(MEOWING)

Help an old lady across the street.

-LADY: Oh, my! -Work at a soup kitchen.

Say a kind word to anyone.

Huh? Ever?

If you're not going to speak English,

this isn't going to work at all.

(SCREAMS)

DASTARDLY: All right. Fine.

I'll do a good deed.

(SNICKERING)

(MEOWS)

-(GROWLS) -(SCREAMING)

(MEOWING)

(DASTARDLY YELLS)

(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)

(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)

I can't take any more of this nightmare.

I've done every filthy,

shameful, humiliating task you've asked for.

Oh, for Pete's! You just did a few nice things is all.

Oh, no. It was even worse than I imagined.

Dicky...

Fine, I never imagined doing nice things.

End my tautological torment,

you cruelly capricious

and full-faced fictitious deity.

Mmm. Yeah, sure. Why not?

It's not like, it's really a cursed idol anyway.

ALL: What?

It's just an old cheese log.

But cheese logs are harmless.

Unless one is cursed with lactose intolerance.

"Hacky Jack's Cheese Hut?"

The old gypsy witch told me this was cursed.

Hey, what do I know?

I'm a crazy lady who lives in trunk of car.

Drat, drat and double-drat!

Dude!

(LAUGHS) I was right all along.

There's no such thing as curses.

(YELLING)

(DASTARDLY YELLING)

Maybe Dastardly is just unlucky.

(SNICKERING)

Well, at least that's over.

Oh, no!

(YELLING)

Oh! Muttley!

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

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