Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNICKERING)

PENNY:This is my city,

and it's my job to keep an eye on it.

They call me Penny, Bad Penny Pitstop.

I'm a gum shoe, and just like a bad penny,

I always show up when there's trouble.

-Speaking of trouble... -Pitstop!

-(SCREAMS) -(THUD)

-(GRUNTS) -I took a good look at my visitors and regretted it.

The tall one was drawn of modeling and shifty as a clutch in second gear.

The little one smelled like trouble. If trouble was a wet bag

of week old dirty sock wrapped around a tuna sandwich

someone left in a gym locker over summer break.

-You need something, Slick? -Dick, actually.

The handle's Dangerous Dick Dastardly.

That's my moniker, too, toots.

-Where is it? -Where's what?

(LAUGHS) Don't play games with me, baby.

Not even, Go Fish.

Meditate not for one measly minute that you can mollycoddle me, missy.

-Muttley, search the joint. -Hmm?

-I wouldn't do that if I were you. -Oh, why not?

'Cause I'm a terrible housekeeper.

PENNY:The mutt didn't find what they were after

but he did find a tuna meldI was keeping for a rainy day.

-(MUTTLEY GAGGING) -Get out of my way, you musty mongrel.

Do I have to do everything? Bad help is so hard to find.

Maybe it's in this safe.

-(EXPLOSION) -PENNY:It wasn't.

-(EXPLOSION) -(CATS MEWING)

Why don't you just tell me what you're looking for?

Or this safe?

-(EXPLOSION) -PENNY:He was persistent but not very smart.

-(BLOWS RASPBERRY) -(THUD)

-Why do they call these things safe? -(SNICKERING)

-(KNOCKING AT DOOR) -PENNY:Suddenly, there was a knock at the door.

Hello?

-(THUMPS) -(GROANS)

PENNY:The world suddenly went all pink and swirly and unicorny.

It felt like I was falling down a plot hole with no bottom.

-(THUD)-Then I hit bottom and everything went dark.

I woke up to see somebody had searched my office.

But I knew they didn't find what they were looking for

because the episode still had eight minutes left.

-(SIGHS) -(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Just then, a plot development walked in.

Hi. What an uncluttered office you have.

Yeah, saves me a fortune on furniture polish.

-Help me up, big guy. -Sure.

I'm Sweet Tonsils McGee. I sing at the Sweaty Shrimp.

The Sweaty Shrimp? That smelly old dab on the dock

filled with no good, dirty pirates, low lives and thugs?

No, the nice new place next to it.

Full of no good dirty pirates, low lives and thugs.

Miss Pitstop, I need you to hide something for me.

A worthless tacky lunchbox? What's in it?

The stuff dreams are made of.

Certain unscrupulous characters would do anything to get their hands on it.

(LAUGHING) Huh?

-(YELLING) -(CRASHES)

-I'll just put this somewhere-- -Safe?

-We did that bit already. -(THUD)

Why do they call those things safe?

-Yikes! -(THUMPS)

Where'd you go, big fella? Huh.

Vanished without a clue. (EXCLAIMS)

Except for that one.

PENNY:This was the break I was waiting for.

My case was headed for the toughest joint in town, and so was I.

Muttley, we must follow that femme fatale

if we plan to purloin our precious price.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(CREAKING)

PENNY:I waved down a hack.

-Give me a lift to the Sweaty Shrimp. -Right away, ma'am.

(PANTING)

-We could have taken the cab. -Now you tell me.

-(SIGHS) -(SLAMS)

(GROANING)

PENNY:The joint's plenty tough so that's how I had to play it too.

(CLEARS THROAT) Do you have a reservation, madam?

-Real tough. -(GROANS)

PENNY:As tough as an Algebra test

on the first day back from summer vacation.

-Does that answer your question? -No.

-(MAN GROANING) -Oh, sorry. No, I don't have a reservation.

No problem. Right this way, ma'am.

What's good tonight?

We have sweaty chocos, sweaty chicken salad, sweaty chimichangas

and the big sweaty meatball is very sweaty tonight.

I think he's been working out.

-Ugh. Do you have anything not sweaty? -No.

Good evening. Bad Penny, isn't it?

Welcome to the Sweaty Shrimp.

-Waiter! -(EXCLAIMS)

-A pink lemonade for the lady, heavy on the pink. -Hmm.

-Don't I know you? -No!

Uh, I am, uh, Italiano, uh, Waiterino.

Alrighty, dear, what do you have a hankering for?

Well, lets ask this nice waiter.

Yeah, what do you want?

-How is the American cheese? -I have no idea.

As a cultivated culinary connoisseur

with a perspicaciously punctilious palate,

I wouldn't eat in this swill stained sweat bit

if you tiled my tongue in titanium.

But that's just me. (CHUCKLES)

Feel free to shove whatever you want into your Philistine pie holes.

Alrighty, maybe I'll have the Antipasto instead.

And if oh-- (CHUCKLES)

Well, perhaps I should just dump a garbage can on the table.

And you can roll around in it like howling jackals.

I'd like a nice lasagna.

(GASPS) Are you trying to insult me now?

No. No, really.

Then why would you order lasagna to my face? (SOBBING)

Oh my gosh. We're sorry.

-So you should be. -(BOTH SOBBING)

Ooh, what should we order?

I'm your waiter, not your life coach.

-(BOTH SOBBING) -Give me choices.

Oh quiet, you hoggish half-wits. Are you trying to get me noticed?

What?

(SCREAMS)

What about my tip?

(GROANING)

I'm looking for Sweet Tonsils McGee.

-Never heard of him. -You sure about that?

-Dead sure. -How dead sure?

-Hmm. -PENNY:He was playing it cool,

so I pulled out the kicker and they knew I had them, cold-footed.

(TOES TREMBLING)

(STUTTERING AND LAUGHING AWKWARDLY)

-That not mine. -Really?

-(GROANS) -Hmph.

-Sorry. -(SHATTERS)

Get her!

-(ALL SNARLING) -PENNY:The jig was up.

Oh, my.

PENNY:And while I was dancing, Boss Bella made like a bana and split.

They were getting away with the lunchbox and my case.

PENNY:I had to catch them.

-Follow that car! -(GRUNTS)

-(CAR ACCELERATES) -Drat!

PENNY:The trail led right to the creepiest house in town.

-Gruesome Manor. -(PANTING)

Please buy a car. (GROANS)

You really don't get the taxi driver thing, do you?

-(SLAMS BREAKS) -(GROANS)

-Huh? -(BOTH GASPS)

Ugh. What hideous gargoyles.

Detective Pitstop. Up here!

Up here! (SCREAMS)

PENNY:The trail was getting hot. I just had to get into that house.

-(KNOCKING AT DOOR) -You rang?

Would you like to buy a box of Cookie Camper cookies, mister?

-Me only like kitty clusters. -(KITTENS MEOWING)

-(DOOR SLAMS) -(CHOMPING)

-(IN DEEP VOICE) Pizza man. -(THUD)

Different pizza man.

-(THUD) -(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

-(THUD) -(PENELOPE GROANS)

PENNY:Finally, I called in some old friends.

(SHRIEKS) Mices!

(SIGHS) I ain't no mouse, see?

I'm a filthy, dirty sewer rat, see?

(SHRIEKING)

Some of my best friends are rats.

Sweet tonsils! There you are.

Big Boss Bella stole my lunch box.

If he gets what's inside, it'll be the end.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)

He's upstairs. Come on.

PENNY:This was it. The final reel, the last act, the big wrap up.

All the answers I was after were at the end of that hall,

and nothing was gonna stop me from getting it.

What the-- Old movies?

BELLA: (EXCLAIMS) Wonderful.

Marvelous.

Beautiful, isn't it?

Back when cartoons were funny and well-acted

and not at all self-referential.

(GROANS) I hate that tune.

Just random acts of pointless violence.

-(THUDDING) -(GROANING)

-Hello! -(THUD)

-Hi, everybody-- -(THUD)

Excuse me, you never paid me. (SCREAMS)

-(THUDDING) -(GROANING)

Hmm, what flavor popcorn is this?

O-positve.

I'll never let them take this smashing entertainment from me.

-(THUD) -Aha!

It's mine, at long last.

PENNY:There was still one thing I didn't understand.

Okay, I don't need any help for this part.

There's still one thing I don't understand.

Why do you want this silly old thing anyway?

Because I think the villain in it talks funny.

I've hunted down and destroyed every copy

of this calamator's cartoon but this one.

Now, I am going to eliminate the final--

You monster! You would destroy such sublime art.

Art? Oh, please. They pay monkeys to make this stuff.

Uh, we get paid?

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

-(SNICKERING) -Away, Muttley.

We're doomed with absolutely no hope of escape.

My beautiful cartoon is going to be destroyed.

Relax, everybody.

When Dastardly wasn't looking, I snatched the films.

-What about the bomb? -I switched that out from Muttley, see?

(GROWLS) Hmm?

-(EXPLOSION) -(DASTARDLY CURSING INDISTINCTLY)

Wait a minute, that's impossible. We saw them leave.

Hard boiled heroes of detective stories

always have a trick up their sleeve at the end of the movie.

NARRATOR:Oh, please. That was totally impossible.

Okay, that's enough out of you.

PENNY:And so, another case closed.

Like I said before, this is my city, and I keep an eye on it.

NARRATOR:Seriously, there is no way you swapped that bomb and--

PENNY:Oh, just let it go. It's only a movie.

NARRATOR:It just bothers me, is all.

You know when you watch a TV show, you expect it to make some sort of sense.

(SNICKERING)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

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