Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNICKERING)

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(CLAPPING)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Salutations, you lugubrious labbots.

I, Richard Milhouse Dastardly, am here to inform you

that you will not be squandering

yet another 11 minutes of your life,

eye-guzzling a dreary, poorly written cartoon!

Grafted with random violence, smarmy inside jokes

and cheap, slapstick comedy.

(SCREAMS)

-(THUDS) -(CAT SHRIEKING)

Such as that.

(GROANS)

-And that. -(THUD)

Instead, I will be attempting to raise the intellectual

standards of this revolting remake,

by dedicating an entire episode to the wondrous works

of William Shakespeare.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

No, no, you don't.

You are getting cultured whether you like it or not.

Although I must admit

the acting may not befit the material

as I am being forced to use them.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

To be, or not to be? That is the question.

I didn't order a pizza!

-It's not to be. -(ALL CHEER)

They're all already under contract

and the studio wouldn't let me hire real actors.

Heavens to Murgatroyd,

exit stage unemployment even.

Let us begin!

WithRomeo and Juliet.

But soft, what light through yonder window breaks?

It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.

Alas, fair sun, and kill the envious moon.

Kind of violent imagery for a kid's show.

Why are you dressed as Romeo?

You're supposed to be Juliet.

Well, you know who wanted to play Juliet.

He says, it's the better part.

Oh, no.

Oh, Romeo, Romeo.

Wherefore close are you, Romeo?

(SCREAMS)

Get off me, you balcony busting...

(GROANS)

(SNICKERING)

No.

This is the famous balcony scene

where star crossed lovers. Romeo and Juliet

woo each other.

Ew, let's just sword fight instead.

Sword fight!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Now, wait a minute!

(GIGGLING)

Shakespeare, fun.

This is what I call petty dialogue.

No.

Puns, now that's real writing.

Stop! (GROANS) stop it!

This is worse than our usual show.

-(GROANS) -(SNICKERING)

-Dastardly is right. -Thank goodness you came to--

This scene would look much better as a race.

What? No!

(GRUNTING)

Can we please just move on to the next play?

Thought it was going well.

Okay, IQ we're going to try aMidsummer's Night Dream.

-You are Puck, -(YAWNS)

the English sprite and Car is Oberon,

king of the fairies.

Ill met by moonlight proud Titania.

Heavens to thespians.

The Car gets a part even.

Who do you have to know to get a cameo around here?

(SNICKERING)

What ho, Puck.

-Oh. -I wantRomeo and Juliet.

-What's this one about? -It's a play

within a play.

Blech, meta fiction.

Oh, like Turducken.

It's nothing like Turducken you clunk-headed cuckoo.

Oh, places!

What's that mean?

It means, go to your assigned places.

Where are we supposed to be?

(EXCLAIMS ANGRILY)

In with the enchanted grove

of the woodland fairies.

Oh, then this must be the place.

No, no, you're fairies.

Muttley, make them fly on wings of gossamer dreams.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

When did you get these ropes on us?

The magic of the theater.

Let the revelry commence!

Aha!

CAR: Well, go thy way. Thou shalt not from this grove.

Till I torment thee for this injury.

My gentle Puck, come hither.

Fear not, my Lord, your servant shall... (EXCLAIMS)

Oh, no!

No, no, no, no!

(GASPS)

(SCREAMS)

Hey!

Yoo-hoo!

It's magic hour here in the rafters, folks.

As our racers compete in a no-holds barred

fairy battle for the ultimate win.

-(LAUGHS MANICALLY) -(SCREAMS)

(LAUGHS)

Who gave them real magic wands?

(GROWLS)

(SNICKERING)

Drat!

Stop! Stop!

-Your turn. -I'm pink, very original.

(LAUGHS)

Stop!

Got you, Bella.

Your turned me into a bat, blech.

(SQUEAKY VOICE) I am Tiny.

(GASPS)

CAR: (LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

DASTARDLY: Oh, no.

(SNICKERING)

(Wack)

(SHIVERS)

You people will be the death of me.

Let's move on

to the Scottish Play.

Do you wanna play with Scottish people?

-(BAGPIPES PLAYING) -(GROWLS)

Count McButton at your service.

Let's start with golf.

Yeah.

Please, don't. (SCREAMS)

Drat! (WHIMPERS)

(SNICKERING)

Now, who wants the green buggy?

Whoa, how do you do that?

No, no, no, the "Scottish Play".

The only one of Shakespeare's plays so unlucky,

that just to speak its name aloud invites disaster.

Oh, which one is that?

Why Macbeth of course.

(ALL CACKLING)

Double, double, toil and trouble.

(ALL LAUGHING EVILLY)

Yo, ladies, 'sup?

All hail, Macbeth, hail to thee, Thane of Glamis.

All hail, Macbeth, hail to thee, Thane of Cawdor.

Uh... hi.

No, no, no, the line is...

All hail, Macbeth,

thou shalt be king hereafter.

Big words, no like.

This faster.

(GRUNTS)

Hey, that's great, thanks, big fella.

I want Macbeth too.

(SPUTTERS) That's not how you doMacbeth!

(GROANS) Let's just get to the battle scene.

(ALL CHEERING)

Now this is what I call acting!

Lay on, Macduff, lots of words and other stuff.

A horse, a horse! My kingdom for a horse!

You called? Sure.

Why does he get to be in it already?

He's not even actor even.

I could play Macbeth.

(SNICKERING)

That horse thing is fromRichard III.

The fault, dear Brutus,

is not in our stars, but in ourselves.

That'sJulius Caesar!

To thine own self be true.

And that'sHamlet.

Quoth the Raven, "Nevermore".

That's not even Shakespeare, grr!

That does it!

I have had it,

you lumbering lumps of illiterate losers

are just not smart enough for Shakespeare!

Fine, then you do it, Dicky.

Yeah, you're so great,

why don't you show us how it's done?

I will just show you, I will!

Great, which play?

(MUMBLES)Richard III.

No, I didn't say,Macbeth!

(GROANS)

Now is the winter of our discontent,

made glorious summer

by this sun of York.

And all...

(MUNCHING) Yum.

all of the clouds that...

deeply bosom around bellied oceans.

Um... (BLABBERS)

Um... (SPUTTERING)

Outrageous...

(SUCKING THROUGH STRAW)

ignoramuses who whine

and complain and never let me win

and who smell funny and have goofy names and...

and stuff.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

Bravo, bravo.

Okay, so I've never actually read any Shakespeare.

ALL: What?

Well, it's been another pointless episode as we come

to the pathetic end of Dastardly's

thespianic reign of terror.

Dicky, why?

Well, I wanted everyone to think

I was all smart and cultured and stuff.

But you're pretty cultured, you're English!

Which is somewhere smart.

Actually I'm not technically from England.

ALL: What?

I'm from Hoboken.

I'm so, so, so sorry.

If there's anything I can do.

Look, let's forget about this Shakespeare stuff

and do some fun acting!

-Something with racing. -And explosions!

(EXPLODES)

Lots of explosions.

(EXPLODES)

(SNICKERING)

Absolutely not.

I want to be taken seriously as an actor.

-You'll get the most lines. -I'll do it.

-(RUMBLING) -(ALARM BLARING)

Set the proton shields to maximum capacity.

Captain, the engines can't take anymore!

Override the polarity of the electron flow.

The manual overrides won't override, man.

Cry havoc, even.

Oh, no, here comes more turbulence.

(SNICKERING)

ALL: Whoa!

-Now, this is acting! -You said it.

Whoa! It's better thanMacbeth.

Whoa!

If we shadows have offended,

think about this and all is mended.

That you have, but slumbered here

while these visions did appear.

And this weak and idle theme no more yielding but a dream.

Gentles, do not apprehend, if you pardon, we will mend

and as I am an honest Puck.

If we have unearned luck,

now to escape the serpent's tongue.

We will make amends ere long.

Else the Puck a liar call.

So good night unto you all,

give me your hands if we be friends, I...

Hey, I wasn't finished! (GROANS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

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