Original subtitles

(SNICKERING)

Hey, hey, hey, Wacky Race fans.

This is Big Brick Crashman.

Coming to you from the Wacky Race Speedway

for the special 40-yard dash.

You heard me right, folks.

This entire race is just 40 yards long.

This is the shortest racein the history of Wacky Races,

which absolutely assures that the races won't go off on some ridiculous adventure

instead of finishing the race.

Let's join the racers who are down on the track greeting their fans.

-There's Peter Perfect.-Always happy to meet my fans.

(FANS CHEERING)

-BRICK:Penelope Pitstop. -Thanks for coming out today.

(GUSHING)

BRICK:The Gruesome Twosome.

Oh, what a great bunch of guys and ghouls.

Tickles.

BRICK:And there's I.Q. Ickly over there with his fans.

And last, but absolutely least,Dick Dastardly.

Where are my fans?

Your fans?

(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)

-That's a good one. -Bah!

I don't have time to waste with fatuous fans anyway

Because now, is the ideal opportunity

for fiendishly forethought foulplay.

Why would you say that into the camera?

Well, how else will the audience know I'm the bad guy?

-(CLATTERING) -(COW MOOS)

(EXPLODES)

Well, you're dressed like a super villain,

your dog is holding a bag of dirty tricks,

and we've done this 39 times before!

Come, Muttley, dark deeds dare the doing.

-(CAT YOWLING)-As everyone knows,

professional car racing is really super classy,

completely appropriate for a children's show

and has the most genteel audience in sports.

(TOGETHER)Very true.

(ALL SLURPING)

So let's take a few moments to meet some typically well-behaved fans

here to watch today's race.

My, don't you look cultured and well-behaved.

-ALL:We are. -And why is that?

Because we've never been exposed to violence on television.

-That sounds terribly dull. -Oh, it is.

Mind-numbingly so.

Thank you faceless media elites who control everything we see and hear.

You're welcome.

Remember, children, always believe what television tells you

and never question authority.

ALL: Yes, ma'am.

The future of America is in good hands.

(CLANKING)

Dastardly, what are you doing to my car?

Oh. Um... We weren't disassembling your motor.

We just snuck over here

and we were leaning on your car's hood

to, to, to have a quick pre-race snack.

-Weren't we, Muttley? -Uh-uh. Uh-uh.

-(THUDS) -(CAT YOWLS)

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why are you wearing grease-stained overalls?

I'm a sloppy eater.

And why are you carrying a wrench and a lit stick of dynamite?

(STUTTERING)

They're our lunch.

Oh, darlin', I didn't mean to interrupt your snack.

Just go ahead and eat.

Uh, uh, um...

Oh. Oh, look, I forgot the ketchup.

-Drat. Well... -I have some right here.

You carry ketchup in your uniform during races?

Why, of course.

-But there's no mustard. -Right here.

-Relish. -There you go.

-Mayonnaise! -Coming in.

-Chutney! -Mango or butterscotch?

-Hot sauce! -Yes.

-Thousand Island dressing. -Of course.

-Liquefied yak earlobes! -Earlobes.

Buffalo-infused whale sweat.

Peanutless peanut butter.

Free range sweet and sour troll bogies.

There you go, buddy. Enjoy.

Thank you.

(GROANING)

-Wait! -Thank goodness.

I nearly forgot the garnish.

Bon-eh appetite-eh.

(GROANING AND CHOMPING)

Delicious.

Well done, Muttley. They don't suspect a thing.

(EXPLOSION)

Excuse me.

The rest of the crowd asked me to come over and find out

if you're going to start racing anytime soon.

We'll get started right away.

Whenever you're ready.

What a polite and well-mannered race fan.

Ah, aren't they all?

Racers, start your engines.

-(CROWD CHEERING) -(ENGINE SPUTTERING)

Oh, my car won't start.

And there will be a slight delay before the race begins.

ALL: Aw.

-What's wrong? -My engine is missing.

Oh, yes, we noticed that while having lunch.

-Didn't we, Muttley? -(SNICKERNG)

-(BURPS) -(EXPLOSION)

Dastardly, where's my engine?

I have no idea.

The rules say,

that if Pitstop's car won't start,

she is disqualified.

But where am I going to find another motor now?

Wait a moment. I have a perfect plan.

That will never work.

-Try it now. -(ENGINE REVVING)

-Really? -Thank you, Peter.

No problem.

Racers, start your engines.

(ENGINES START)

Now my car won't start.

There will be a slight delay before the race.

(CROWD BOOING)

Well, what do you know?

Now Peter's engine is missing.

What a bizarre coincidence.

Strange.

Tiny, don't fall to pieces.

Guys, isn't it obvious what happened to Peter's engine?

Uh, uh, no.

Was it stolen by invisible pixies?

It's like watching monkeys trying to land the space shuttle.

Uh-huh. (BURPS)

(EXPLOSION)

Let me explain this to you.

Now, let's imagine that you have one apple

and Penelope has no apples.

But, if Peter gives his apple away,

how many apples does Peter have?

Um...

(SQUEAKS)

No idea.

Look, this really is very, very simple.

So is Perfect.

Dicky, do you want one of my yummy apples?

You don't have any apples!

Curse you, engine and apple stealing invisible pixies!

Look, there are no apples.

The apples are a metaphor.

I don't think we're allowed to say that.

Can he say that on TV? Ooh!

Okay, okay. Just try to visualize this.

One apple minus one apple equals...

Where did you get those apples?

The nice metaphor fella got them for us.

Just being neighborly, folks.

Remember, if y'all need a tasty and healthy snack,

call on Johnny Metaphor, the apple man.

What? Oh, my head hurts.

ALL: (CHANTING) Start the race!

Start the race!

I think the crowd is getting restless.

Let's just disqualify Perfect and get on with it!

But that wouldn't be very nice.

-I know. -(SNICKERING)

Oh, don't burp!

Or you'll explode again. Phew.

-(BURPS) -(EXPLOSION)

That didn't make any sense at all.

I demand better writing next season.

Uh, Tiny have idea.

Aah!

Peter have our engine.

Ha-ha, nice one, brother.

They mean well, sweetie.

Okay, we're ready for the race to begin.

ALL: Finally!

Racers, start your engines.

(ENGINES STARTING)

Wait, now our car won't start.

And there will be a slight delay.

-(CATS YOWLING) -Ow! Ow! Ow!

(CROWD SHOUTS ANGRILY)

Say, why don't you people ever actually race?

How hard is it to drive cars around a track?

-(CAT MEOWS) -Well, sir,

professional car racing is a precise

and demanding skill that takes careful plan...

It's just turning left.

You know, he's kind of right.

-(CLATTERING) -I've wasted my life.

What an incredibly thin premise for a TV show.

No wonder it feels like we've done these jokes before.

(EXPLOSIONS)

Don't listen to him.

Our races are action-filled, family entertainment.

But you never actually race!

You just stand around talking

and doing cheap side gags.

Like those!

That piano thing didn't even make sense.

-That's what I said. -(EXPLOSION)

(CHANTING) Start the race!

Start the race!

The show's calledWacky Races, right?

(CROWD CONTINUES CHANTING) Start the race!

Just race once in a while!

Hold on there, buddy.

I don't think the writers need you

fans-plaing to them how to do their jobs.

Wait, somebody actually writes this stuff?

Race! Race! Race!

Maybe we'd better do at least a little racing?

Racers, to your cars.

Start your engines!

About time!

-Oh, no! -What's wrong?

I think we're all out of gas.

Race! Race! Race!

-Uh-oh. -We're in trouble, aren't we?

Now, now, there's nothing to worry about.

These are race fans.

The most cultured, well-educated,

and best-behaved fans in sports.

I'll just explain it to them.

Hey, hey, race fans,

this is Bad News Brick Crashman

announcing there will be no race today.

But we all had a lot of fun

and isn't forgetting our cares and being entertained for a few minutes

really why we all came here anyway?

(SHOUTING)

We've had it.

Run for your lives!

Cowards and canines first!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

(CROWD SHOUTING)

(EXPLOSION)

-(CATS YOWLING) -(SCREAMS)

I'm too young to see this kind of inappropriate violence.

(CONTINUE SHOUTING)

-Uh-oh. -Revenge!

Tiny, give me a hand.

-(FIRING) -(YOWLS)

(LAUGHING MANICALLY)

(EXPLOSIONS)

This is a cat-astrophe!

Who could have ever imagined badly behaved race fans?

(GROWLING)

Muttley, this is our chance.

All we have to do is get the car to the finish line

right there

and we'll win!

Help me push.

(CREAKING)

Peter, look, Dastardly's in the lead.

Not if I have anything to say about it. Hmm.

I wonder if I do.

Ouch! Oh.

Good idea.

Wait for me!

Tiny, quick, give me a hand!

Oh, cut that out!

(CROWD CONTINUES SHOUTING)

-Why are you so heavy?-Hurtful.

Push, Tiny, push.

Yes, Bella.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(CROWD SCREAMING)

For those of you just joining us,

the thin veneer of civilization has fallen away from the crowd here.

It is only a matter of time

before your communities are overrun

by hordes of barely-human flesh-nibbling sports fans.

All you can do is barricade yourselves in your homes

and wait for the end.

This is Big Brick Crashman

joing the dark side!

(HOWLING)

(HOWLS)

Keep pushing, Muttley.

We're just inches from victory

after all these years.

Ladies and gentlemen,

due to the extreme violence and disturbing content of this program,

we are replacing it with entertainment more suitable for family viewing.

We apologize for ever thinking

a cartoon about car racing was ever anything

but a terrible, terrible idea.

Oh, that's disappointing.

About time, really.

Well, I'm surprised we lasted this long.

Tiny blame writing.

What? No!

Not now! I've almost won!

Just another inch.

Drat.

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