Original subtitles

(CHUCKLES)

Yee-haw!

Fillies and buckaroos, this is Big Old West Brick Crashman

It's time again for our annual cattle drive and horse race.

As you all know, the contestants will have

one hour to cross the wacky flats,

over to Barber gulch,

where each race will round up a herd of cattle

and drive em' back here

to the new Deluxe Cattle Retirement Ranch

just outside of town.

B4...

Before what?

That's the number.

What number?

B... 4...

Before what?

So let's give a big Wacky Gulch howdy-do to the day's racers.

Howdy-do!

Howdy, citizens of the Old West,

I'm ponderosa Pete Perfect.

And this here, is my singing horse, Turbo.

(SINGING OPERA)

(APPLAUDS)

Hi, y'all. I bet you all want to see demonstration

of my famous sharp shooting from the Pitstop kid.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Absolutely no shooting.

Sharp or otherwise...

Who are you?

Hi, there. I'm the network censor.

It is my job to make sure nothing violent,

dangerous or inappropriate ever happens on this show.

Well, then. I guess I could use a bow and arrow.

Nope. No, arrows, rocks or harmful projectiles of any kind.

But we're doin' a Western.

You know, action, adventure, shoot out, showdown, stampedes.

Well, you just have fun with that.

But no violence or dangerous activity will be permitted in any way. Okay?

Oof. Okay. What can I use?

Glad you asked.

You are approved to use water balloons, pies, anvils

and this Styrofoam boomerang.

You want us to tame the West with water balloons?

How much fun is that for kids to watch?

Kids don't watch cartoons anymore, silly.

Only lawyers, and we never ever have fun. Ever.

Um... Watch me throw this here...

Bent stick thingy.

Partners.

Uh, okay. Well, this is just... (SCREAMS)

Horses are so 18th century.

(ENGINE SPULTTERING)

(ROARS)

Bleh.

(CROWD JEERING)

Bah! Greatness is never appreciated in its own time.

(CHUCKLING)

(GROWLS)

(MAN GRUNTS)

Duh, gee, brother Figgy,

do you see them, racers, Do ya, ha do yah?

Yeah, yeah, I see 'em, Danky.

Looks like they're nearly ready to start the race.

Which means we can follow them and rustle them cattle when they pick 'em up.

Indubitably dear brothers, Indubitably.

Anyone who get in our way will get one of these.

-Huh? -Oh, pie!

I hate television.

When I fire this starters pistol,

the race will begin. On your mark. Get set.

Nope. Here, use this instead.

Okay, I guess. Racers...

When I throw this bucket of smelly sardines into the air, the race will begin.

-Go! -(HORSES NEIGHING)

Ow.

-PENELOPE: Yee-haw! -MAN: Hoo-haw!

(TOGETHER) Let's go.

PETER: Yee-haw!

Ha! Sorry, Peter, honey. But I think this race is mine.

Don't count your doggies just yet, Penny.

Why aren't you wearing a seat belt?

Because I'm on a horse.

See, the thing is, a seat belt on a horse

don't really work with the whole cool rebel cowboy thing.

Seat belts now!

Okay, okay.

Not safe enough. More seat belts.

I hate my life.

And slow those horses down.

Look, we're an action comedy right,

so there has to be some--

Ha, that was actually funny.

(GRUNTING)

(GROANS) Drat.

See, that objectively proves that pain is funny.

Ouch.

(SCREAMING)

Okay, I've had enough of this.

Hey! Horsey and away!

(HORSE NEIGHING)

Oh!

Unsafe, that appears unsafe.

Giddy up all, yeah!

(ALL CLAMORING)

There they are.

(COWS MOOING)

Doggies.

Oh, look how rare they are. Yum.

Time to claim me some hefty heifers.

No, no. No branding iron. But you are approved

for cruelty free paint brushes. There you go.

That's pretty and all. But I think, I can do better.

(LAUGHING AND CLAPPING)

Oh, lovely. If you had wings, you could pass for a big fat bat.

(MOOING)

Time to cleverly and colorfully claim these capricious cows.

Muttley, pull the lever.

Ah, all these purple pachyderms appear to be mine.

I'll just take 'em back and win the race then, shall I?

Lovely. Muttley?

Really?

It's not fair.

Fair is fair, I suppose. Why don't you all just come over here and get them?

Just cross that line painted on the ground there.

That's right. Just there.

Muttley, pull the lever.

(SCREAMING)

(THUDDING)

Dastardly has trapped us in an old abandoned mine.

Yes, I have.

Now to take my cattle and skedaddle.

-(MOOING) -(CACKLING)

(YELPING)

How do we get out of here?

I can show you the way--

Who said that?

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY) I did.

I'm an insane old prospect who lives down here in a dank old mine.

Why do you do that?

Because I'm insane.

And why are you not wearing pants?

Same reason.

Oh, is that your goat?

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY) What goat?

Excuse me, can you show us the way out?

(LAUGHS) Sure! Right there.

Oh, thank you.

-Come on, everybody. -(PROSPECTOR LAUGHS)

Goodbye! Oh, nice folks. I hope they come back.

Whatever. Back to dancing.

Yippee-ai-ki-yay.

Move along, little doggies.

I'll be winning this race, just as sure as can be.

Because nobody cheats good as Dick Dastardly.

(DALTON BROTHERS)Don't be too sure about that, pilgrim.

Muttley. You can talk. I knew it.

That wasn't him. It was us.

We'll just be taking this herd off your hands. If you don't mind.

I do mind. Just who do you horrible heifers think you are?

We are the Dalton brothers.

The meanest, lowest, rottenous rustlers the Old West has ever seen.

Ooh. Those are really convincing costumes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I studied costume design and acting in prison.

It's not so much I'm pretending to be a cow.

As I am a cow.

(APPLAUDING)

Thank you, thank you. Shout out to Joel and Billy. Much love.

Hand over your herd, pilgrim.

Are those pies loaded?

Where did Dastardly get to, with those cows?

I think I see him up ahead.

Dicky, what happened to you?

I was rustled, is what happened.

What kind of world do we live in?

When an honest fellow can't take a stolen herd of cattle

across the plains. and not get rustled!

Yes, yes. I get the irony. Now untie me!

Great job, boys!

I do believe it was our finest performance.

Not so fast, partners.

You have some things that don't belong to you.

Let our cows go and there won't be any trouble.

And if we don't?

Then we'll be. Oh, I just love your outfit by the way.

Back at you.

We ain't giving up these cows without a fight.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Okay then, just thought we'd ask. Ta-ta.

Dicky...

(KNUCKLES CRACKING)

(TEETH CHATTERING)

Draw.

Nooo!

Muttley, this is all your fault.

(LAUGHS CUNNINGLY) You missed me.

(GRUNTS)

Stop this right now.

You have all gone too far this time.

None of these pies have been inspected for food allergens.

Do they have peanuts, are they gluten-free?

I'm canceling this episode effective immediately.

-(PIE APPROACHING) -(YELPS)

(ALL LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

I have to admit. That was pretty fun.

Come on, fellows, no more rules.

From now on, we live life on the edge.

(HORSE WHINNYING)

Ride, boldly ride.

Yee-haw. Get along little doggies.

PENELOPE:Giddy up!

Bana cream... My favorite.

Now, this is how a Western should end.

It's a cliff.

(SCREAMING)

Why didn't someone stop us from doing this?

We should've been wearing padding and helmets.

Why didn't I wear my seat belt?

Why were we going so fast?

Why didn't we listen--

Hey, not funny.

Television is too violent.

(CHUCKCLES) Told ya.

Ow.

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