Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNICKERING)

(BLEATING)

(DASTARDLY SCREAMING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Launch the rockets!

(GROWLS) Razzle.

Drat!

(BEEPS)

Did I win?

Not even close.

I'm afraid the race was over yesterday, Dastardly darling.

Yesterday! You mean my traps, tricks, and cheats were all for not?

Well, they did make some pretty lights.

And were kind of funny when they backfired on you.

What kind of sick person would laugh at Dicky in pain?

(DASTARDLY YELPS)

(SNICKERING)

(BLEATING)

(SOBS) It's not fair. Why can't I ever win?

Now, now, sugar. There's always next time.

Yes, when life gives you lemons,

suck the thick hot bitter juice out of the quivering fleshy yellow pulp.

(SNICKERS) Mwah! What?

Dastardly darling, we just hate seeing y'all this sad.

I'm not sad! I'm angry.

Angry that you blivering buffoons keep making the same egregious errors.

Errors, me? But I'm perfect.

Aren't I? Someone get me a mirror.

You fools frequently fail to fall for my fiendishly foxy frame-ups.

So, your constant losing is our fault for not falling for your traps?

Precisely, Pitstop.

Oh, um, sorry?

Yes, you should be.

(HISSING)

If only there was a possible place

where people are as perceptive as I.

Oh! Why must a man of my obvious talents

be forced to live in such a woeful world?

(SCREAMS)

What are you doing here, you, gratuitous gosling?

Allow me to present the extreme Breakfast Combinator 9000.

It makes the perfect breakfast with a push of a button.

As long as your idea of a perfect breakfast

is runny eggs and squirrel burgers.

How very uninteresting.

Please feel free to never speak to me again.

It has just one minor flaw.

It seems to open a portal to infinite alternate realities.

Each more bizarre than the last.

What could be more bizarre than this poorly written nightmare?

Why, they might be anything...

For instance, just imagine a world where everyone is an alternate version of Muttley.

(SNICKERING)

(GROANS) That's just not right.

I.Q.:Or like Peter.

Uh, that's just sick!

I.Q.:Or like you.

Just like... Me?

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

And you say, that you're delightful device

opens these dimensional doors while making breakfast.

(CHUCKLES) You know, I suddenly got a yen for squirrel frittata.

(BEEPS)

So sorry my gullible genius

but I have to say ta-ta.

(BEEPS)

(HISSING)

(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMING)

(GROANS)

I.Q., your improbable invention is incipiently inoperative.

How dare you interrupt my worthwhile work

with your banal babble, you whimpering windbag?

Well, I'll be.

The puny prodigious product produced prodigiously after all.

MAN: (ON SPEAKER)Attention! All racers report rapidly for the next race,

you spoilt slatish slackers.

A race! I don't want to miss this.

(HISSING)

(SQUAWKS)

Entertain us, you loathsome louts.

Cease code breaking and resume racing, you sluggish sloths.

We wish to be distracted from our empty lives and pointless consumerism.

(CHUCKLES) The audacious attitudes.

The belligerent behavior, the alliterative allegory.

I like it here!

I'm never going back to that horrible humdrum habitat of hackney half-wits.

(ALL CLAMORING)

(SNICKERING)

Rabbly racers, rouse yourselves and get ready to roll.

Go!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(CHEERING)

Say, "Fermented milk solids," Dicky.

Wha...

You can't use that. It's cheating.

Don't let that punisher's perfect perturb you, Dicky.

Am sure you'll get a blast out of this.

(SCREAMS) What are you doing?

Muttley, help me find it, before it...

(SCREAMING) Well played, Pitstop.

Have a nice trip, old bean.

-Thanks for the help. -Nah.

Car, engage the minimum pre-program cheat mode.

CAR:Engaging minimal pre-program cheats.

What does your car do?

-(BEEPS) -(WHIRS)

CAR:Wow, that is just sad.

(DASTARDLY SCREAMING)

Ah-ha, what is wrong with you people? (SCREAMS)

Muttley, activate the aero-dynamical airfoil accoutrements.

(BLOWING RASPBERRY)

-Oh, never mind, I'll do it myself. -(DEVICE BEEPS)

Drat! Muttley! This is all your fault.

(SCREAMS)

Don't mean to box you in Dicky.

But my brother and I need to lock up this race.

(BLOWING RASPBERRY)

DASTARDLY:No!

(DASTARDLY YELPING)

(SHRIEKS) Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!

(DASTARDLY SCREAMING)

-You were a lot of help. -Nah.

(BEEPS)

Another tedious tie for our tempestuous team of time wasting toons.

I thought it was impossible to find bigger buffoons

than the ones I left behind.

If you put half the effort into racing that you do cheating,

you would occasionally win races instead of constantly getting in your own way.

Where am I?

You are in the epiphany room.

Apparently, you are having some sort of great life changing epiphany, yes?

-The epiphany room? -Yeah.

It is the place deep inside your psyche where you can clearly perceive

all aspects of yourself.

-And you are? -I am your intellect.

Nice to meet you.

What's that tiny thing with the suckers oozing a slime trail behind it?

INTELLECT:Your self-confidence.

(GASPS) What was that?

That was your arrogance.

So, what brings you here to psyche town?

-I don't recall. -Not a problem.

Memory, will Memory please report to the epiphany room stat.

You called?

Yeah, we would like to hear the last thing our external persona here verbalized.

Yeah, sure. No problem. Who's this guy here, then?

I'm Dick Dastardly.

Oh, brother. Could we have the recollection now, please?

What recollection?

The one he just asked for.

Sheesh, you could have just asked.

If you put half the effort into racing that you do cheating,

you would occasionally win races instead of constantly getting in your own way.

(CHUCKLES) Very interesting.

I don't see how that statement would cause any epiphanies.

Oh, don't you?

Efforts spent in unproductive activities,

multiplied by constant frustrations,

divided by self-denial, over the square root of envy self-loathing

leads to every frustration,

failure or setback has been solely

or completely Muttley's fault.

(SNICKERING)

Of course, I should have...

No, wait a minute. I already knew that.

Nice guy, that was.

-Who is he? -(GROANS)

Whoa! You really drifted off.

Where you having an epiphany?

Oh, I ate those. They get caught in my teeth.

Hey, who feels like some racing and pointless self-defeating cheating?

Tiny do, you bodacious blockhead.

Oh, no. I've had enough of you ridiculous reprobates.

-Ooh! -MAN: Are you okay, Dastardly?

-What? -Can we help you, Dastardly?

Your care is our greatest concern, Dastardly.

Let me help you to your feet.

No, no, no. Let me help you.

No, no, no, no, no. It should be you.

You are the better Dastardly.

Stop it! Stop being nice and saying Dastardly far too often.

Oh, we are sorry, Dastardly.

Being nice is just our way.

Group hug, Dastardlies.

No!

(EVIL LAUGH)

Welcome to my frightmare.

This revolting refuge is even worse than the last one.

(SCREAMS)

Tiny welcomes you to his home, brother.

No, no, no. Even worse.

Um, what?

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

(CHUCKLES)

No, thank you.

(GROWLING)

Next.

-ALL: Na, na, na. -No, no, no.

Absolutely not!

Mr. Dastardly, you made it back.

Peter, I owe you a dollar.

I.Q., is it really you?

-Oh, it is you. -(CAT MEOWS)

ALL: Yeah! Dastardly is back.

Get your hands off me, you maudlin mollycoddlers.

Where did you go?

To nightmarish worlds that taught me a terrible lesson.

As awful as it is being stuck with you simpering simpletons,

it could be worse, I suppose.

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