Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNICKERING)

Hey, hey, race fans. This is Brick Crashman,

and we're here at the very first

running of the "If You Can't Stand The Heat, Stay Out Of The Desert Derby."

The hottest race in town.

-(SIZZLES) -(GROANS)

And heating up the track today are Penelope Pitstop,

Peter Perfect,

Dick Dastardly, I.Q. Ickly,

and bringing up the rear...

The Gruesome Twosome.

I do declare, it's hotter than jalapeno gator nuggets in a deep fryer

at a firefighters' Fourth of July picnic!

Lucky for me, my body temperature is always a perfect 98.2.

I'll give them all the cold shoulder soon enough.

In mere miles, we will unleash another of my blistering booby traps.

(PANTING)

(DASTARDLY CACKLES)

Car, calculate estimated time of arrival at the finish line.

Did you say, "Invest in cheese at dinnertime"?

-No. -(THUDS)

"Buy an old cowpoke's fishing line"?

No...

"Learn to mime"?

I hope not, because mime really creeps me out.

(MUTTERS) Forget it. I'll do it myself.

-Activate my latest and greatest invention.-Hurtful.

The Space Time Unlimited Peregrination Interval Device.

CAR: It's a time machine that makes you go places faster.

I already knew that.

I know, but the network likes to get the techy exposition out of the way up front.

Now, let's see. Set acceleration coefficient!

2 hours and 20 minutes.

-Engage! -(ALARMS BLARING)

(PORTAL CRACKLING)

(I.Q. WHIMPERING)

I think I'm getting time-sick.

Oh, please. Not again.

(I.Q. EXCLAIMING)

(I.Q. SCREAMING)

-(ALARMS BLARING) -We're falling!

CAR: I'm going to engage emergency anti-gravs.

Hey, check out that city.

How far into the future did you say we are?

-Two hours?-I think we've gone farther than that.

Uh-oh.

Citizen! The Science Police are in route to assist you.

Please remain where you are.

"Science Police"? That doesn't sound so bad.

(GOBBLING)

-I.Q.: Why don't my inventions ever work right? -CAR: Hurtful.

-Huh? -Greetings, citizen!

Welcome to the Grand Hall of Science.

How may we be of service?

Huh?

For it is in serving others we find perfection.

-(LIGHTS ACTIVATING) -What?

Merely ask, and all that we can do for you will be done.

Helping good.

Wow, you guys must be future versions of my friends

from a time when all greed and evil has been conquered by science

and the world is complete paradise.

-Good guess! -But, honored citizen...

-Why are you driving around in that old-fashioned junk heap?-Hurtful.

We accidentally travelled here through time from the distant past.

But we'll just go back and finish the race.

-A race? -Oh, no, we can't allow that.

Our great leader has taught us that competiveness--

And vanity.

Were the source of all the past's problems and strife.

That's ridiculous! Who is this great leader anyway?

Behold our most honored leader, and president for life.

(SNICKERING)

You must stay with us and be re-educated.

Car, let's get out of here.

-Seize them! -(GOBBLING)

(CRASHING)

Hurry! We must save the primitive one

before that broken-down jalopy falls apart!

-I hate the future. -Hold on, Car.

I'm reversing the Space Time Unlimited Peregrination Interval Device.

(PORTAL WHIRRING)

(ZAPPING AND BOOMING)

-What's that? -I believe it's a chrono-displacement wave.

-That what Tiny thought. -Gosh.

-(ZAPPING) -(ALL GASPING)

Okay! Everything's fine. We're back at the exact time,

and I haven't destroyed causality.

No one will even know we were gone.

I think we brought back some temporal anomalies from the future.

Um, maybe they're just temporary temporal anomalies?

I.Q.: Admit nothing.

You are driving well above the posted speed limit, young lady.

-(SCREAMS) -And you don't have on nearly enough seatbelts.

Who are you? Standards and Practices?

Eyes on the road! I'm you from the future.

Older, wiser, and far more sensible.

More of a scaredy-cat, it seems.

Hey, past me, looking good.

Future me, looking good-er.

Gosh, things must really have worked out for me in the future.

Oh, yes. We've discovered inner peace, and the value of inner beauty.

-(BOUNCING) -(EXCLAIMING)

Wait...

We're bald? (SCREAMS)

Not good-er, not good-er at all!

Tiny love past Tiny.

-(CRUNCHING) -Hmm.

I see you have not changed a bit, Tiny.

-Ah, but what has become of my future self? -(ENERGY CRACKLING)

(EXCLAIMING)

Oh, no...

-(MUTTERING) -BELLA: I have gone batty in my old age.

Must catch batty Bella.

BOTH: Come back, Bella!

Once those retrograde racers are in view,

we'll let loose a tirade of thorns to trash their tires, and--

-(ZAPPING) -(GASPS)

When a cheater cheats, he only cheats himself.

-What are you? -I am you

after the seed of good sportsmanship

has blossomed in the compost heap of your heart.

-(SWATS) -If you're me,

well then you'd know there's nothing that could make me ever

become a simpering simpleton like you.

Oh, I don't know.

You may get the point in the end.

-(SCREAMING) -(JABBING)

-(SNICKERING) -Like that.

(SCREAMS) I'm bald! There's no point in going on.

Peter, calm down. Don't you see?

It's inner beauty that matters.

Inner beauty is great, as long as it's on the outside where everyone can see it.

Stop being bald, future me!

-Rugs? -(TIRES SCREECHING)

-Put this on. -I don't want to.

-Yes, I do. -We don't need the toupee.

-Put it on. -No!

-(SWERVING) -(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

FUTURE PETER: I don't need it!

(FUTURE BELLA EXCLAIMING)

BOTH TINYS: Must catch batty Bella.

BELLA: Could we please stop calling me that?

(DASTARDLY WHIMPERING)

(SNICKERING)

You did this to me.

We always have been the cause of our own trouble.

Discard those dastardly devices, and you'll deservedly win.

Right. And I suppose Muttley is elected president, too?

-(ZAPPLING) -Hmm?

-(GRUMBLING HAPPILY) -Drat.

(EXCLAIMING)

Not batty Bella.

Double drat.

And always eat extra broccoli, floss 8 to 12 times a day,

never drive over 26 miles per hour.

26? How do you win races?

(LAUGHING) Oh, I gave up racing years ago.

The future sounds boring.

It's not boring, it's just...

Less exciting, is all.

But don't you miss racing?

Certainly not. It was dangerous, and immature, and, and...

-Fun? -Yes. No!

I saw the error of my ways.

You'll be better off once you give racing up and settle down.

-Uh-huh. -(TIRES SCREECHING)

Hurry up, you blundering blockhead.

They'll be passing under at any moment.

(GRUMBLING)

Another subtle subterfuge.

Have you ever thought that if you could get this far ahead to enact your silly schemes

you could actually just keep going and win the race?

-No. -We're better than this.

We don't need to cheat.

Of course we don't need to!

It's fun! Don't you remember?

The radiant rush of plotting a precarious trap?

Devising devious deceptions?

The maniacal manipulations...

No. No! No.

Cheating is bad.

Come on. Just one little tug.

-You know you want to. -(MURMURING)

-(LAUGHS) -(SMASHING)

(GROWLING)

(CACKLES) Oh!

Being good wasn't any fun anyway!

(ZAPPING)

(GRUMBLING)

Here they come. Pull!

-(ALL GRUNTING) -(RUMBLING)

-(ALL SHOUTING) -(CRASHING)

BOTH: Muttley, this is all your fault!

-Look out! -I'm on it.

I've got this.

Put on the toupee before anyone sees me.

There's more to life than good hair.

-(GRUNTS) -That's just crazy talk.

(GRUNTS)

-Come back. Tiny loves you. -(CRASHING)

CAR: Have you figured out how to send the future versions back yet?

I'm working on it. (GASPS)

(EXCLAIMING)

-We're doing it! -Why did I ever stop doing this?

-You don't have to. -(ZAPPING)

BOTH: Awesome, let's roll.

You're letting them win, you whing whippersnapper.

Me? This is all your fault, you gibbering geriatric.

(BOTH SNICKERING)

I will not wear this.

Fine. Then I'll wear it now, and never take it off.

-Then future me will still be wearing it. -(ZAPPING)

-It worked! I have hair. -(ZAPPING)

And a big belly.

Don't they have sit-ups in the future?

(EXCLAIMING)

PENELOPE: That's the finish line!

What's that up ahead?

BRICK: And in an amazing turn of events,

an armadillo wins the race.

I got it! Reactivating the time circuits now.

(ZAPPING)

(ZAPPING)

I sure am gonna miss that old gal.

-(EXCLAIMING) -(ZAPPING)

Good to know you're always there for me.

-Even when I've gone batty. -(MURMURING HAPPILY)

-(CRUNCHING) -Enough. Enough.

I would have won if it weren't for you!

Me? You've always caused all my problems.

-(ZAPPING) -Hmm.

Too bad. I rather liked him.

I don't understand. Where did the future us's all go?

I sent them back to the future where they belong.

I just hope meeting us didn't alter the timeline.

Don't be silly. How could spending a little time with us change the future?

(ENGINES ROARING)

(LASERS FIRING)

-Drat. -(CHOMPS)

(GOBBLING)

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