Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNICKERING)

(HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING)

Hey, hey, race fans.

Welcome to this week's Wacky Race event.

I'm big Brick Crashman, six-time Race Champion,

and your on-the-spot reporter for live on-site coverage

of the Annual Cross-country Pretzelhosen 500.

The race started just moments ago

and our competitors should be passing below me any second now.

Hmm. They were supposed to be...

-(HONKING) -(METAL CRASHING)

Uh-oh. (SCREAMS)

(THUDDING)

I do declare. What was that we just passed?

I don't know, Penny. Might have been a floating rock or something.

Boulders are not arbitrarily buoyant, Perfect.

I didn't say they were buoyant.

I said they sometimes float.

That's what "buoyant" means, you puerile, pea-brained pretty boy!

Now, now, Dastardly dear.

A healthy competitive attitude is no excuse for bad manners.

You said it, Penny.

Good sportsmanship and courtesy are what professional racing...

Oh, how I despise those gladsome goodniks.

They're so nice!

But nice doesn't win races, nefariousness does.

-Isn't that right, Muttley? -(SNICKERING)

(ENGINES RUMBLING)

(BELL DINGS)

Avast, ye road-hogging landlubber.

Strike your colors and heave over Thunderous Pass.

Or by the soggy bones of Davy Jones

we'll send a brace of lead into your keel.

I'd like to oblige, Captain, but I'm a bit busy at the moment.

Also, I have no idea what you're saying.

Honey! Do you boys mind if this little ol' country girl slip by?

Why sure, Penny.

It would be our sincere pleasure, fair lady.

Arr...

PENELOPE: Why thank you, boys. Ta-ta.

Whoa! Nice one, Penny, but I've got a trick up my sleeve, too!

Time for The Turbo Terrific's Terrific Turbo!

(WHOOSHING)

Ooh, love the accessories. Wonder if they come in pink.

Yes, Bella?

Tiny, activate the afterburners.

Are you sure, Bella?

Of course I'm sure. Who's got the brains in this outfit?

(LAUGHS) That's a good one.

-(FLAMES WHOOSHING) -(TIRES SCREECH)

C.A.R, engage Extreme Turbo Mode.

C.A.R: Turbo Mode engaged.

This is the moment to place my pernicious plan into play.

I will now call my cousin and co-conspirator, Desdemona Dastardly.

(SCREAMS) Drat! Drat! Drat! Drat! Drat!

(SNICKERING)

(GRUNTS AND GROANS)

That wasn't funny.

(SCREAMS)

(SNICKERING)

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Cousin Desdemona,

are you presently prepared to put

Operation Dick Dastardly's Diabolical Delay of Penelope Pitstop

and Her Fatuous Friends into action?

Oh, I am ready to capture your little racing friends if that is what you are meaning.

Then let the confabulation commence.

-He talks funny. -(CAT YOWLS)

Oh! Here they come now.

-Gary, activate the trap. -(GRUNTS)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Huh? What are all these goats doing in the road?

C.A.R: Collision Alert.

Automatic Goat Avoidance System engaged.

Uh-oh.

BELLA: Bleh!

(ALL SCREAM)

(CRASHING)

(BELLA SCREAMS)

Hmm. Like Mama always said,

"Sometimes a true lady needs to rise above the adversity before her."

Whoo-hoo!

That girl has pluck.

I hate pluck. Gary...

PENELOPE: Oh, my stars and garters!

I think there are some kind of explosions happening down there.

I'm trying to get a better view.

-Huh? -(TICKING)

Uh-oh.

I regret I have but one life to give for sports entertainment!

Uh-oh.

(TIRES SCREECH)

Oh, muffins.

This could be a problem.

Dastardly?

What nefarious scheme are you up to this time?

Are you sure those cages will hold them here long enough for me to win the race?

Nein.

But it will long enough for me to take them to my pretzel mine.

(NERVOUSLY) But that's not part of plan

Operation Dick Dastardly's Diabolical Delay of Penelope Pitstop

and Her Fatuous Friends.

-Gary? -Oh!

-(SNICKERING) -Oh!

(GROANS)

(LAUGHS EVILLY)

My, what a lovely little ol' view.

(HUMS TUNE)

This has the feeling of one of Dastardly's little ol' tricks.

I'd best see if the others are in any sort of difficulty.

(CAR ALARM BEEPS)

(CLANGING AND RATTLING)

Oh, woe is I! Made captive by my own kin.

Hey, now. Turn that frown upside down.

I'm sure Penelope will find a way to help us.

Pitstop left us behind and has probably won the race by now.

Hello, prisoners. Are you enjoying ming pretzels from mein pretzel mines?

Oh good. Rember, your next work break is...

-Never! (LAUGHS) -(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

What is it you hope to gain from forcing us to dig up your crunchy treats,

you evil... Evil... Doer?

How about my freedom!

My family has owned these mines for generations.

My birthday cakes were pretzels.

My first bike was a pretzel.

My prom date was a pretzel!

You doing my ming means no unions and greater profits.

Profits I am going to spend traveling the world.

Enjoying epicurean delights

and never, ever, ever, ever seeing another

stinking Schwanheim pretzel!

My only regret is that I have no one to share my new life with.

-Oh? -(CRUNCHING)

Oh...

Well hello, little puppy.

Dastardly?

You don't mind if I borrow your little friend for a while, do you?

Yes, I mind! Muttley is my minion.

He is completely and utterly loyal to me and me alone...

Drat.

Aunty Desdemona is going to show you the gastronomic delights of the world.

-Would you like that? -Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

-Gary, you stay and guard the prisoners. -(BLEATS)

I want pretzel output doubled by the time I return.

(AFFECTIONATELY) Come along, puppy-wuppy.

-(SNICKERING) -(GRUNTS)

Hmm. That gives me a little ol' idea.

-(CLINKS) -(ACCORDION MUSIC PLAYS)

(METAL CLANKING)

You know, being trapped here wouldn't be nearly so bad

if it weren't for them sending us postcards! I can't take it anymore!

If only there was a way out of this pernicious pretzel pit.

But there is not, my captive cousin.

-Would anyone like some poi? We brought a doggy bag. -(SNICKERING)

-What we want is the sweet taste of freedom. -There is no escape.

You will stay here and dig pretzels forever...

-(THUDS) -Oh...

Hi, y'all. Sorry we're late. Gary and I were having a little chat.

-Birdies? Hello, little birdies. -(BIRDS TWEETING)

Would you like some pretzels?

It turns out that Gary was feeling a little jealous

of all the time Muttley was spending with Desdemona

and he wants her back all to himself.

So I suggested they take a little ol' trip, just the two of 'em.

Bye, Gary! Take care now.

-(SCREAMS) -DESDEMONA: Whee!

(BLEATS RAPIDLY)

-You speak Goat? -I picked some up from my nanny.

-Tiny knew you would save us! -(CRACKING)

Okay... Uh, sweetie? All right, darling. Penelope needs to breathe.

I know this has been difficult,

but in some ways, I think it's been a really positive experience.

Brought us all closer together. Like a family.

-ALL: Aww... -(MUTTLEY GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS) This is worse than being a prisoner!

I don't have time for this sentimental claptrap! I have a race to win.

Where did that Dastardly set sail to?

-See you at the finish line, suckers! -(TIRES SCREECH)

(LAUGHS EVILLY) They'll never catch me now.

(INDISTINCT CLAMORING)

-C.A.R Activate! -C.A.R: Systems activated.

Let's roll!

(ENGINES RUMBLING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

This is Brick Crashman.

If anyone finds this, I've been lost in these mountains for months.

I'm using this rock to record my final words.

-(BLEATING) -Huh?

-Ah! -(CRASHING)

Oh?

(ALL SCREAMING)

(LAUGHS)

That's the finish line. I'm actually going to win!

Did you hear that, Muttley?

-Dick Dastardly is finally going to win! -(GRUNTS)

(SCREAMING)

(CONTINUES SCREAMING)

What? No!

Congratulations. You won the race and the fabulous first prize.

First prize? Oh! That means I don't have to go back. No more pretzels ever!

No! No, it's not fair! I should have won.

-It's not yours, it's mine. -The prize is mine, give it to me!

And you are awarded a lifetime supply of pretzels!

-What? -Pretzels. Are you kidding me?

-What? -(SCREAMS)

-Anyone else hungry? -Arr.

BELLA: I could go for a nice blood sausage.

PETER: I'd kind of like a pretzel.

(SNICKERING)

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