Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNICKERING)

DASTARDLY: 'Twas the night before Christmas

and all through the garage,

not a racer was stirring, except for me placing

a spring-loaded firmer, vehicular charge.

Muttley, hand me the atomic catapult capacitator.

Razzle frazzle razzle.

What is that you are wearing? Is that a Santa hat?

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

(BELL CHIMES)

(KISSES)

How many times have I told you not to waste your time

with that jingle Kringle nonsense.

(PEOPLE SINGING IN THE DISTANCE)

What is that?

Is that singing?

I think someone is in there.

Must be robbers.

Muttley!

Fetch me the flamethrower and the itching powder

and sharpen the pitchfork.

(MUTTLEY GRUNTS)

Ugh, it's worse than I thought.

(ALL SINGING) ♪ Fa la la la la la la la la ♪

Huh?

Good to see you, old buddy.

(CHUCKLES) Well, y'all come right in, boys.

You can help decorate the tree.

Oh, is that mistletoe?

Merry Christmas, Muttley.

Mistletoe?

Kiss.

No! (GROANS)

How about we get this party swingin' with a little pirate ditty?

And a one and a two and a hardy har har.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

♪ Yo ho ho It's a pirate's Christmas

♪ Lights on the tree Fair seas ahead

♪ Yo ho ho It's a pirate's Christmas

♪ Claim all the booty on old Santa's sled ♪

Claim that booty.

Arr!

That's right!

(SQUAWKS)

(PARROT SQUAWKS)

♪ Yo ho ho It's a pirate's Christmas

♪ Wrap up the presents Off to bed

♪ Yo ho ho It's a pirate's Christmas

♪ Top of the tree goes Davey's head ♪

ALL: Ahoy!

-Arr! -Very good!

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

Are you going along with this Noel nonsense?

They have fruitcake.

Well, I say this whole trivial tradition is half-baked humbug.

Come on, Dastardly. You can help with the presents.

Ready, set, go!

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

Bah, that's easy.

See?

(SNICKERS)

I refuse to waste my time wrapping boxed -p balderdash.

I hereby challenge you to a real rap battle.

ALL: Ooh!

Oh, it's on!

BRICK:Penelope Pitstop raps against Dick Dastardly.

(RAPPING)♪ You're making a mistake stepping up to me

♪ 'Cause I'm the fastest and baddest

♪ Every fanboy's dream

♪ Your cheatin' and your bleatin'

♪ Have gone too far

♪ Now I'm gonna put you down like a rhymin' star ♪

Oh, yeah?

♪ You defeat me? Don't make me cry

♪ I'm the epicure of nasty Fashionably fly

♪ This challenge from you I can barely dignify

♪ You're just another loser

♪ In bad hair dye ♪

-(DASTARDLY LAUGHS) -Cut!

♪ Yo, it's like this

♪ Winning ain't winning Unless it's all fair and square

♪ Without your dirty cheatin' You ain't got a prayer

♪ I'm the best as the rest My ride is great

♪ That's why I've been slamming you since 1968

Well...

♪ You've been lucky once or twice but never again

♪ My rocking purple wheels will roll out your end

♪ Then after the race When my victory is won

♪ You and those nerds will be totally shunned ♪

-(DASTARDLY LAUGHS) -Uh-uh.

Uh-uh!

♪ Yo, dream on there, Dick 'Cause whatever you believe

♪ You and your mutt are just comic relief

♪ The real superstars are me and my boys

♪ You better be checking all these super sweet toys ♪

Ah, yes.

♪ Now it's long past time you acknowledge my mastery

♪ 'Cause none of these trophies ever said "Dick Dastardly" ♪

ALL: Ooh!

BRICK: The winner of the Epic Christmas Rap Battle is

Penelope Pitstop!

-Word. -(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

(SIGHS)

Come on, Muttley.

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS) That girl does throw down some kicking rhyme.

Yeah, yeah, yeah...

But none of her glib and soulful street poetry will save her

from my righteous wrath during the race tomorrow.

Hmm, I'd better test the new traps I've installed in the Mean Machine.

Muttley, old buddy, old pal,

would you mind standing just over there?

(GROANS)

It's perfectly safe. Trust me.

-(GULPS) -Now, now. Don't be a baby.

Just stand right there and everything will be fine.

(CHUCKLES)♪ Jingle bells, Batman smells

♪ Robin laid an egg ♪

Okie-dokie!

-Ready, Muttley? -No, no, no, no.

Activating the new booby traps.

(WHIMPERING)

(SNICKERS)

(GROANS)

(EXCLAIMS)

(SCREAMS)

Huh?

(GROANING)

(GAGGING)

(GROANS)

(WHINES)

See? You're fine.

(LAUGHS)

Who is that handsome sleeping man?

Oh, wait. It... That...

That's me!

(EXCLAIMS)

(BELL DINGS)

Hello? Hello?

Excuse me. Are you my 4:00?

I.Q., is that you?

Why are you dressed like that?

(LAUGHS) No, I'm not I.Q.

I'm Maurice, your celestial accountant.

Good to meet you, Mr. Dastardly.

How do you know my name?

You are Richard Milhous Dastardly, are you not?

Yes, but...

But why am I transparent? Where's the garage?

-It's back on Earth. -Back on...

You mean I'm...

Mmm-hmm. As a macro, Mr. Dastardly...

Enough with this foolishness!

Send me back down to my body this instant!

I'm afraid I can't do that.

Oh, fine. If you want something done, do it yourself.

Fine. Have it your way. Now what?

It's my job to make sure you learn the important lessons

of your life before you move on to the great beyond.

Let's get started, shall we?

Do you know what your problem has been, Mr. Dastardly?

I'm far too clever and handsome for my own good.

Oh, my. My goodness, no.

Why don't I show you some highlights from your life so you can see for yourself?

(LAUGHING)

(BLABBERING)

(EXCLAIMS)

Where did you get a bomb at that age?

Gift shop.

(SNICKERS)

Hmm.

And what can we learn from that?

I should've used more dynamite?

(SIGHS)

The point is, you have always been the cause of your own trouble.

Let's see if this doesn't clear things up.

Drat. Drat.

Drat. Drat.

Drat! Drat!

-(HORN HONKS) -Drat!

Drat. Drat. Drat.

Drat. Drat!

(LAUGHING)

There. See?

So what do you want me to say?

Hmm? I wasted my life? Fine.

I wish I'd never been born. Happy?

No skin off my nose.

But you know who would be happier? Your friends.

Here's what would've happened to the other Wacky Racers

if you had never been born.

BRICK:Ladies and gentlemen, time for

Way Too Late Tonight.

With your ghost of a host with the most,

Tiny Gruesome!

(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)

Night is good!

Hey, yo! Oh, he kills me!

It's sure hot in Burbank today.

AUDIENCE: How hot was it?

H-h-hot!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Oh, and everything's pink up here. Love it.

Peter Perfect has now won more races than any other person in history.

And has officially been named the greatest sportsman of all time!

Let me get this straight!

You're telling me that if I was never born,

Perfect would win more races?

That's not really the point. Hey, did you eat my popcorn?

I'll tell you what I've learned.

I've learned that I've got too much to live for to stay up here.

I need to go back and really stick it to those

reprobate racers to keep them from being successful.

-But that's not... -Out of my way, shorty!

Oh, this is so...

I hate my job.

(LAUGHS)

I've got a lot of living to do.

(YELLS)

(SHUDDERS)

(GROANS)

Oh, my stars and Christmas stockings! You're okay.

I... I am?

(CHUCKLES) I think I had a dream.

You were there, and you were there. And...

(KISSES)

I have this new

-sense of purpose. -What's that, Dicky?

To finally beat you sacks of gas.

No more Mr. Nice Guy.

A horrible Christmas to you all!

And to you all, a rotten, stinking night!

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

-You know what's strange? -What?

He does this every year.

Oh, well. Merry Christmas.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(SNICKERING)

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