Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNICKERING)

-LOUIS XIV: Huzzah! (SLAPPING) -(SCREAMING)

LOUIS XIV: Huzzah! (SLAPPING)

-Ahhh! -Huzzah!

In yon doth cultured courtyard

rests the obliquely oblivious object of my sedacious scheme

to make moi, Cardinal Richelieu, ruler of all France!

Who are you taking to?

-To you! -Hmm?

The head jailer of the infamous Bastille prison,

and my co-conspirator in clandestinely claiming

the crown of our young king-to-be,

Louis XIV!

Oh, because it was weird that you said who you were, since I know you.

Below us lounges the lugubrious lynchpin to my symphonic stratagem,

Prince Louis' dimwitted twin brother,

Buford.

Uh, look how fast my hoop goes! Huzzah!

Whoa!

(GRUNTING)

-(SPLASHING) -BUFORD: (ECHOING) Sacrebleu.

He really is not a smart kid.

Exactly.

And therefore, all the easier to manipulate

when I replace him for the true prince before the coronation tomorrow.

I get it!

Everyone will think Buford is Louis,

and you can rule France as the true power behind the throne!

Magnifique!

I will assign my best Bastille warden to assist you.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(SNICKERING)

Prince Louis is protected day and night

by his brave, loyal, and devilishly handsome royal guards,

the three raceketeers.

Can I count on you to kidnap the prince from under their very noses?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

(KISSING)

Then we cannot fail, and all of France will soon be mine!

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

(LAUGHING MERRILY)

Catch me if you can, my loyal raceketeers!

-Je suis Aramis.-Je suis Athos.

I'm Porto.

Porthos, your name is Porthos, my brother.

-(LOUIS XIV LAUGHING) -PORTHOS: Playing with prince. Fun.

LOUIS XIV: Ha, ha, ha! ARAMIS: A-ha!

(ALL LAUGHING)

(TIRES SQUEALING)

Whee!

All for one!

Every man for himself!

-Porthos' butt hurt. -(ATHOS GROANING)

Howdy, Your Majesty!

Whoa.

-Ooh. -Whoa.

It's such a pleasure to meet you, Your Highness.

And who might you be, you dashing, young bon vivant?

I'm D'Artagnan, y'all.

You seem like a brave and fine swashbuckler.

Wanna hang with us and join my guards?

Oh, let's do! We can be blood brothers.

Fun.

Well, I wouldn't mind helping y'all out protecting the noble young prince.

And also reminding him to brush after snack time,

like a good little hereditary monarch.

Aw, must I?

-(SLOBBERING) It's only snails. -Oh, my. Yes.

-Yeah, as much as possible. -Okay.

(HUMMING)

(GRIMACING)

Whoa!

-(SNICKERING) -Is it time for nighty night already?

Inside of this bag smells like onions,

which I love.

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

That is one great evil laugh.

I practice a lot.

It's all in the diaphragm, really.

-(PANTING) -I could just walk, you know.

Ah! (GROANS)

-Hey! -(BANGING ON DOOR)

You can't do this! I know people in high places!

I'll tell the prince!

Wait a minute.

That's me.

Darn, didn't think that one through.

(ECHOING) But I am definitely in a high place.

Raceketeers, where are you?

-(PANTING) -Is it done?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

-(PANTING CONTINUES) -You're out of shape. You should eat more snails.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

You wanted to see me?

Yes! Yes, come in, dear Buford.

(GROANING) The floor tripped me.

A thousand pardons, my Buford.

I'll have that floor fixed.

Uh, Your Bufordness,

how would you like to be king?

Uh, might be cool, I guess.

But, isn't that my brother's job?

He's, uh, busy at the moment.

And he told me to tell you that he wants you to fill in.

He also wants everyone to call you Louis.

-Isn't that lovely? -(CLAPPING)

Is it?

Oh! In that case, huzzah!

Huzzah, indeed, My Prince.

Now, off to court.

(GROANING) Ah!

(SPLASHING)

BUFORD: (ECHOING) I fell into the sewer again.

Our beloved Crown Prince Louis XIV,

-who is not an imposter... -(SLURPING)

Has a list of royal decrees that he wishes me to announce.

ALL: Huzzah!

Hmm, something is just not quite right with the prince.

Huh? You sure?

(GRUNTING)

-He looks fine to me. -(GROANS) Come on, y'all.

-Bring him, too. -Ah!

All citizens, from this day forth, must...

May we have a word with you, My Prince?

Your Highness?

Louis XIV?

-Hey, you! -Oh! Uh, hello.

(RICHELIEU CONTINUES SPEAKING)

Have you come to give me more French vanilla ice cream?

Mmm, we just call it vanilla ice cream here.

But, of course, Louis XIV would know that.

Hi, Buford.

Hi, Porthos.

So, where is the real prince?

On vacation?

In Spain, I think?

-Spain? -Huh?

Uh, yeah.

I overheard that my brother was staying in Bastille.

That's in Spain, right?

-(ALL GASPING) -That rotten Richelieu

has the prince imprisoned in the Bastille!

Hurry, raceketeers, there's not a moment to lose!

Thank you. I wonder what they're up to.

I don't suppose you know where those rapacious raceketeers are off to,

do you, Your Highness?

Uh, they went to Spain.

Spain?

Yes! To see my brother!

Drat!

Off to the Bastille to rescue Louis!

-All for one! -And one for all!

Women and children first!

PORTHOS: I like kitten.

Move it!

(SNICKERING)

A-ha!

A-ha!

A-ha!

(SNICKERING)

(GROANS) Let's see how heroically to the rescue they feel

after a taste of my latest super-advanced secret weapon!

-(CANNON WHIZZING) -What was that?

(CANNON BOOMING)

Balls.

-(CANNON EXPLODING) -Super-advanced secret military balls.

D'ARTAGNAN: I think Richelieu found out we discovered his nefarious scheme!

Drat! Looks like I'll have to cut them down to size!

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

He'll slice us into French fries.

We just call them fries here.

Accelerez, my fellow raceketeers!

We need to slow him down!

Porto do.

Right, just leave it to us.

-(PORTHOS GRUNTS) -(ARAMIS GRUNTS)

BOTH: Ah!

(GRUNTING)

Go ahead of me, and beat them to the Bastille, no matter what!

(SNICKERING)

(GRUNTING)

D'ARTAGNAN: Sacrebleu!

(SNICKERING)

Uh-oh.

We're French toast.

We just call it toast here. Ha!

-(ALL GROWLING) -Razzle-frazzle, razzle-frazzle...

Can you boys cover me while I rescue the prince?

Of course we can. All for one!

ALL: And one for all!

ALL: Ah!

(GRUNTING)

Whoo!

That's music...

My... Head.

(SPEAKING GROGGILY)

LOUIS XIV: Prince Louis, you're so very tall

Yes, I am very tall. (CHUCKLES)

Save me, Your Very Tall Highness.

The peasants are revolting!

They certainly are. Would you like to see me shoot some free throws?

-D'ARTAGNAN: Your Highness! -(GASPS)

Uh, D'Artagnan!

They're not dolls, they're action figures.

Right.

Let's get you out of here.

(SNICKERING)

Ooh!

(GRUNTS)

En garde, mon petit chien.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Huh?

Okay, that's pretty neat.

I'll take it from here, you French provincial pooch.

-My dolls! -(DOLL SQUEAKS)

-Uh, I mean, my collectibles. -Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

-Drat! -(SPLASHING)

(HUMMING)

-Hmm? -Mmm-hmm?

ALL: Mmm-hmm? (GRUNTING)

-(SPLASHING) -RICHELIEU: Muttleys! This is all your faults!

Razzle-frazzle, razzle, razzle...

We win again, raceketeers!

ALL: Huzzah!

Okay, so that just happened.

D'Artagnan, you have rescued me.

Come on, Your Majesty, let's get you out of here.

Hold on, Your Highness.

You forgot my dolls.

My beautiful dolls!

Mind if we drop in?

Oh, pun's lowest form of humor.

We need to get back to the palace in time to stop the coronation!

(NEIGHING)

I hereby crown you

-King of... -(STRAING)

Hey! Hey. Whoo! Stop moving!

Hold it! We have the real prince.

Hi, everybody. I'm back.

ALL: Sacrebleu!

Boy, am I glad to see you guys.

-Really? -Oh, gosh, yes!

ALL: Aw.

-BOTH: Huzzah! -Well then,

-I guess I hereby crown the real Louis XIV... -(CHEERING)

-King of France! -ALL: Huzzah!

-(KISSES) -(CLICKS)

-All for one. -ALL: And one for all!

(CHEERING)

Drat!

Those rapscallion raceketeers may have saved France from my schemes,

but we'll see if England could use a new king!

(SNICKERING)

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