Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNICKERING)

-(HOOVES THUNDERING) -(NEIGHING)

BRICK: Hear ye, hear ye, races fans of the wacky.

(HOOVES THUNDERING)

We are in the ye olde land of Camelot on the Feast of St. Whackus Du Racium.

(NICKERING)

This day's festivities shall be commenced by the gracious word of Her Royal Highness.

-(SNORING) -BRICK: Queen Barnstorm the First!

Uh, Queen Barnstorm?

-Huh? Huh? What? What? -Your Highness?

Yeah. Hi! Cool hat.

Most glorious Queen, 'tis time-eth to get-eth the party started.

Oh? All right.

Let the festivities of the Feast of St. Whackus Du Racium commence!

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

(HOOVES THUNDERING)

(NEIGHING)

Hither come the noble Knights of the Wacky Table.

Sir Perfect of the Pete.

Forsooth, fine folks of countenance plain and uncouth.

May thee abide well, and bask bountifully in the glistening shine of my pearly whites.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Lady Penelope of the Pink.

A courtly howdy-do upon y'all, good people of Camelot.

ALL: Howdy!

And Sir Richard of Rotten, the Purple Knight of Dastardly.

Whoa! Whoa, I say! Whoa-eth, thou neglectful nag.

-Argh! Drat-eth. -(CRASHING)

(SNICKERING)

As always, the Purple Knight's heart palpitates

to be in your prodigiously pleasing presence.

ALL: Boo!

Fie upon your ignoble brows, peasants.

ALL: Boo!

These valiant knights shall henceforth compete for the Queen's favor,

and a coveted royal prize.

Prize? No one told me about a prize.

Oh... Uh... Oh!

(FLIES BUZZING)

Here. The winner can have this.

-The Queen's Cup! -(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

Verily, doth never have mine eyes beheld such a glorious device

for the storing and dispensing of liquid.

Its form and lordly visage doth suit well its noble testament.

I must have the honor of supping from yon royal chalice.

It's just a cup.

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

BRICK: Gadzooks!

'Tis evil Countess Morgana le Funk.

And her most ignoble noble, Sir Mordred of the Doggerel.

(SNICKERING)

ALL: Boo!

Every knave for himself!

(CHICKENS SQUAWKING)

How is it, sire,

thou dost not invite-eth me

to revel in the festivities of the Feast of St. Whackus Du Racium?

Oh, come on, Morgana. You ruin parties.

You're a party ruiner!

I am not-eth.

Last time I brought snacks.

Oh, it was boiled calves' elbows and head cheese.

I don't even know what head cheese is.

And you turned the King into a hedgehog on his birthday.

Yeah. Yeah, I did do that. But 'tis an improvement.

AUDIENCE: Boo! Hiss!

Oh, boo-eth thyselves.

Foul miscreant, I challenge you to a duel for the honor of the royal hedgehog.

I also challenge you to a dual-duel.

You want a piece of this slapdown, Sir Rotten?

Nope. I'm good. Have a nice duel.

Have at thee, worrisome witch!

Oh, please.

(BOTH YELLING)

Morgana has transmuted yon brave knights into a unicorn and a griffin.

Which, as everyone knows, are very common animals.

(LAUGHS) That never-eth gets old-eth.

-(GROANS) -Rude!

So, you wanna play rough, huh?

Send for the royal alchemist!

Send-eth for the royal alchemist!

Send-eth for the royal alchemist!

AUDIENCE: Send-eth for the royal alchemist!

I'm right-eth here!

(CHUCKLES) Oh, hey. You're a little fella, ain't you?

Up to your old tricks again, eh, Morgana?

Dost thou dare-est challenge my magic with thy own?

Nay. What I bear is mightier than magic. Science!

AUDIENCE: Ooh...

Science? Oh, please.

What are you going to do? Tell me again that the Earth is round-eth.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

MAN: Ridiculous!

Giveth me your best-eth shot.

Verily, I shall.

Observeth. A little soda of baketh, and a motley sprite of ye olde vinegar.

AUDIENCE: Oh...

(CLAPPING) Oh, ho, ho!

Thou hast won this contest with ye mettle most true.

AUDIENCE: Yay!

But this metal, I shall relieve from you.

(SNICKERING)

What a shocking twist-eth to our medieval tale.

The dreaded Morgana has escaped with the priceless Queen's Cup.

It's just a cup!

My liege, we knights three swear-eth upon our good honor,

to hie thither and recover the Queen-eth's Cup!

No matter-eth the danger.

(STUTTERS) Well, the danger matters a little.

Seriously, it's just a cup. I've got, like, nine more right here.

In the name of the Queen,

it is declared that ye royal winner of this year's tournament,

shall be-eth the knight who regain-eth the Queen's Cup!

Like a, kind of, race thingy.

ALL: Race?

ALL: Hey, nonny, nonny and away!

(DASTARDLY EXCLAIMS)

-PETER: Up ahead! -DASTARDLY: Medieval meatheads!

PENELOPE: No pushing!

Isn't this most exciting, my Queen?

My Queen?

Oh, it's just a cup.

(SNORING) Just a cup, it's just a cup.

Drat-eth!

-(CAT YOWLS) -(SNICKERING)

PETER: Three ways doth beckon us forward.

-What do-eth we do? -We'll have to split-eth up-eth.

First one back with the Queen's Cup wins?

Which will be me.

Fare thee well on thy quest, my friends.

And thee, good Sir Perfect.

(NEIGHING)

DASTARDLY: I hope thou both fall-eth in a moat.

Which-eth way? If only there was some sort of sign.

Oh, I detest-eth convenient plot devices in heroic quests.

Sloppy writing, if you ask me. Oh, well.

Ugh! What a disgusting, horrible, awful, terrible place.

(SNICKERING)

Why art thou following me?

Dost thou think I need-eth some simpering sycophant,

chortling at my every misfortune?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think-eth not, Mordred, thou mongrel knave.

(GASPS) Oh...

(GROWLING)

Mordred, old buddy, old pal-eth.

'Tis good to know-eth thou art ever at my side.

(WHIMPERING)

-Drat. -(GROWLS)

(CLUCKING)

-Hmm? -Mordred, this is all your fault!

(SNICKERING)

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

Oh, a musical bridge. How lovely.

Hi.

Greetings, noble sir. I am Sir Perfect of Pete.

Me am Tiny the Troll.

Seriously? (CLEARS THROAT)

And I take it thou art in the service of the dark lady, Morgana?

Yeps.

Then Sir Troll, choose thou weapon.

I choose-eth the Winks of Tiddly!

Okay. I was thinking more of swords and lances or those spiky ball thingies,

but this is good.

Have at thee, Sir Troll.

Hmm...

Two out of three.

Go fish-eth.

King me!

(GROANS)

I get the feeling I'm forgetting to do-eth something.

Oh, well-eth.

(DONKEY BRAYING)

♪ Oh, my darlin', oh, my darlin'

♪ Oh, my darlin', Clementine ♪

(COUGHING)

Good morrow to thee, Lady of Pink.

-(COUGHING) -Oh, howdy, y'all.

Thou near-est mine castle and keep, Lady Pink.

But ye shall never win past the guardian of the gates of Castle Morgana.

And who wouldst that be-eth?

Me! The dread vampire, Bella.

(LAUGHS OMINOUSLY)

Terrifying, aren't I? (EXCLAIMS)

Oh, yeah. Very.

I leave-eth thee to thy gruesome fate.

In order to gain entry to Castle Morgana,

thou must answer-eth three questions.

If thou cannot, I, Bella, will cast-eth thee into yon Moat of Agony.

Well, that doesn't sound pleasant at all.

The first question will be a riddle.

What part-eth of the bird be not in the sky,

but goes everywhere with him when he flies?

His shadow, silly.

Ooh, good one. Riddle number two.

-It's a stumper. -Oh, fiddly-sticks with thou riddles.

That's not how-eth thou get to know a person.

How about thou tell me how a nice vampire like thouself

ended up working for Morgana?

Me? You want to know about me?

(SNIFFLES) I have been standing here 1,000 years

and not once has anyone ever asked me a question.

You are so nice.

Hmm. I know.

(LAUGHS OMINOUSLY)

The Queen's Cup shall be mine forever.

Fie! That-eth be mine. Prithee explain thyself, Sir Bat.

Insooth, the bat's with me.

In truth?

I quit-eth.

And thou owe-est me 1,000 years' overtime pay.

Nay. This be-eth a non-union kingdom.

Oh, she is evil.

Oh, no, the Cup!

(LAUGHS EVILLY)

Uh-oh. She's angry.

And the quest is complete!

BELLA: Time to go!

Oh, foo.

BRICK: Hear ye, hear ye, all assembled peasants most putrid.

WOMAN: Hey!

Know thee, the fair Lady Penelope has return-eth with the Queen's Cup.

My Queen.

Thou royal cup is recovered.

(ALL CHEERING)

It's just a cup. Why don't you get this?

I literally have, like, a million cups.

I'm a queen. I can afford all the tableware I want.

-Ha! Psych. -(AUDIENCE BOOS)

Thou art right-eth, I am a party ruiner.

-(LAUGHS) -Upon my honor, I shall recover the Queen's Cup.

No. I shall!

Nay, thou knightly noodleheads.

I shall.

-Race you. -(LAUGHS) This is so much more fun than a day at the mall.

(SNICKERING)

DASTARDLY: Stand aside!

PENELOPE: I'm telling Mom!

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