Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SNICKERING)

(BRICK YODELING)

(HORN BLOWING)

Hey, hey! Wacky Race fans.

Brick Crashman here in the Swiss Alps.

As Penelope Pitstop, Peter Perfect,

I.Q. Ickly, The Gruesome Twosome,

and Dastardly and Muttley, leave their cars and hit the snow

with five wild and wacky winter sport events,

including the slalom, the half-pipe, and the ski jump.

But even more chilling is the constant danger...

-(ECHOING) Danger. -(RUMBLING)

Danger of avalanches, which can be set off by the slightest sound.

Fortunately, this intrepid reporter hasn't covered countless risky events

without learning a little something about courage.

-(RUMBLING) -(SCREAMS)

-Run for your lives! -(ENGINE REVVING)

Sports celebrities first!

(SCREAMS)

(CRASHING)

Luckily my snowmobile didn't explode.

(EXPLOSION)

Halt! Unsafe situation here.

No one races until I explain the dangers of snow.

Snow?

(WHIMPERING)

Save me, Bella.

Oh, put me down, Tiny. Peter is over-reacting again.

I'm no scientist. But I know snow makes things slippery.

Just getting out of the starting gate could be extremely dangerous.

Interesting. Would you care to demonstrate?

Glad to. Safety first.

(BUZZES)

(GROANING)

Not safe. Not safe. Not safe.

Peter, let go.

And then the gate wins!

(GROANING) Got it.

There it is again.

Nope. (CONTINUES GROANING)

You see, Dastardly. I told you snow was dangerous.

(SNICKERING)

Peter Perfect may be out of the race

but he's still part of the action as my co-announcer.

-Welcome, Peter. -Thanks, Brick.

I'd just like to say that sports announcing

is equal part smart-ish-ness and good looking-ness.

Fortunately, I happen to have both.

You certainly do!

Today the remaing racers will be competing

for the world-famous Matterhorn Mug,

a tremendous trophy carved completely out of Alpine ice crystal.

So, let's get started with the first event.

The luge.

(TINY GRUNTING)

Excuse me, Mr. Bella, aren't you worried

that jamming the two of you into that sled is gonna be torture?

"Torture" sounds wonderful.

-(GROANS) -Uh-oh.

(WHIMPERS)

Tiny, that sled has been in our family for over 200 years.

It was brand-new. Oh, now what do we do?

Bella ride Tiny.

Oh, brilliant, little brother. Mommy would be so proud.

Oh, thank you.

(BUZZES)

ALL: Whoo-hoo!

(ALL CHATTER EXCITEDLY)

-Fun. -(LAUGHS)

(I.Q. LAUGHING)

BELLA: I've never felt so un-alive!

Oh, my. This is very exciting.

-Out of my way! -See y'all at the finish line!

-(CHUCKLES). -Tiny, lean forward!

Yes, Bella.

BELLA: Ha-ha, that's it!

(TINY LAUGHS MANICALLY)

Whoa-ho-ho!

Uh-oh, Tiny, we're stuck!

(I.Q. LAUGHING)

Look out! Impending rear-end collision!

(ALL GROANING)

Get out of the way, you recalcitrant road blocks!

(ALL GRUNTING)

Drat!

The racers seem to have gotten stuck.

Here I come!

Oh.

(ALL YELLING)

(WHIMPERING)

Buttered biscuits!

Oh, never mind, they're off again.

DASTARDLY: This is all your fault, Muttley!

-(GRUNTING) -Whew!

Uh-oh.

-(CONTINUES GRUNTING) -Time to go.

-Whew! -BRICK: And Penelope Pitstop wins!

What happened to Tiny?

(GRUNTS)

(GROANING)

-Tiny safe in tree. -(CREAKING)

-(THUDDING) -(TINY GRUNTS)

Lucky, branch not explode.

(EXPLOSION)

(RUMBLING)

And so the difficult course takes out a second racer.

(GRUNTS)

Welcome to the announcer booth, big fella.

Tiny provide insightful color commentary.

Me too. How about a fist bump, bro?

(THUDDING)

(GROANS)

Sorry.

Let's go to the slalom, already in progress.

Golly, the slalom is as easy as one, two, ski.

(LAUGHS)

Except for one teeny little problem.

-What's that, darlin'? -I can't ski!

(YELLING)

Help me, ghost of Sir Isaac Newton!

(GRUNTS)

(YELLING)

(MUFFLED) I can't see.

(YELLING)

(CONTINUES YELLING)

Gadzooks. That pint-sized prodigy is out of control.

(YELLS)

(CHUCKLES)

Sorry!

-Whoa! Whoa! -Oh, drat!

(ALL SCREAMING)

Muttley!

(EXCLAIMING)

-Drat. -(SNICKERING)

I.Q.: Look out!

(HORN BLOWS)

The racers are about to start the next leg of this exciting, exciting race!

Well, most of them, anyway.

Now, to the ski jump,

where Penelope and Bella have taken a significant lead.

-But what's this? -(GASPS)

PETER: Dastardly and Muttley are coming up fast.

(SNICKERING)

Very fast.

(YELLING NERVOUSLY)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Uh-oh.

(YELLING)

(GROANS)

(ALL GROANING)

(ALL YELLING)

-(THUDS) -(ALL GRUNTING)

Luckily those rockets didn't explode.

(EXPLOSION)

Blah.

Next up, you will be snow-bored, as we go to

the snowboard competition on the half-pipe.

-(BELLA WHIMPERS) -Oh, puns.

You snowboard like a girl.

Oh, that's awful kind of ya.

Keep trying and someday you will, too.

I applaud your rapier-like repartee.

But we'll see who's laughing

after I've defeated you with my righteously radical moves.

Every dog has his day.

(UKULE PLAYING)

This must be his day.

Playtime's over.

Match this extreme move!

(LAUGHS MANICALLY)

-Dastardly, watch out! -Nice try, Pitstop.

But absolutely nothing can stop me...

(EXPLOSIONS)

Drat.

Look out!

(UKULE PLAYING)

(DASTARDLY EXCLAIMS)

(DASTARDLY GROANS)

(GROANS) Lucky that drone didn't explode.

(EXPLOSION)

So, Penelope goes down.

Crushed in a Dastardly-and-Muttley sandwich.

-Anyone else hungry? -Starving.

That brings us to the final event of the day, ice dancing.

Unfortunately, with all the other racers out,

there's no one left to compete against Dastardly.

You mean, Dastardly is going to win?

That's right, I win. By delicious default.

Who's that?

You dare to face me, you tail-wagging traitor?

I literally have no idea what to say.

We can never un-see that.

Oh, it's so on.

(GROWLING SOFTLY)

(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)

That is the weirdest, creepiest,

sweetest thing I've ever seen.

Pretty. (SNIFFLES)

Sorry, Muttley, but there's no "team" in "I win".

(GRUNTS)

Bon voyage, my canine competitor.

-(LAUGHS MANICALLY) -(BARKS)

Mean.

Dastardly, that was not very nice.

Not nice?

Oh, gee, where's un-fiddle sticks?

Whatever shall I do?

Oh, I know. I'll go claim my trophy.

You carping casualties!

(BARKING)

(SNICKERING)

-Uh-oh. -We're all doomed, aren't we?

Dick Dastardly is finally...

(GROANS)

Drat.

I hope you're happy.

Now, no one gets the trophy.

No, it must be mine!

(STRAINING)

And it looks like Muttley has rolled over the competition

to claim the magnificent Matterhorn Mug.

-No! -(SNICKERING)

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