Original subtitles

[classical music playing]

[people chattering]

- How do I look? - [chuckles] Good.

[stutters] I feel weird. Do I look weird?

Did you put this in the wash or something?

- No, it's Italian cut. - Is it?

- Yeah. - Okay.

- Oh, great, so you're saying-- - No, hey! You look great.

I don't feel great, man.

I feel like... I feel sick.

What if I vom during the ceremony?

- No, you're not gonna vom. - You don't know that, man.

Yeah, sure I do.

You're gonna be fine, you're gonna be great.

Listen, Adam, I don't know if I can do this.

You do remember that I'm the one who's getting married, right?

- Yeah. - It's not your wedding.

- I know, but I'm-- - It's my wedding.

I know, I know, bro,

but I'm the one with all the responsibility.

- I know. - I'm the best man!

- Yeah. - I've got to do the rings,

I've got to do the speech,

- I've got to do everything. - Bro, bro,

- you're gonna kill it. - Okay.

You're going to crush it.

Listen, are you sure this whole,

you getting married thing is the best idea?

- Sure I do. - Are you sure?

Yeah, I'm sure.

- Adam, look at me. - Yeah?

If the priest says, "If anyone has any objection to this marriage--"

you know, "speak now or forever hold your piece?"

- Yeah? - What I want you to do is,

if you want out, I want you to blink...

- I'm not-- - ...and then I'll know.

Well, no, because I gonna have to blink

at some point, so...

- Okay, you can't marry Sarah. - Why is that?

Okay, she's Bulgarian, bro.

I'm not, you know-- I'm not being like...

- I love that. - Yeah, okay, that's great,

but I'm saying, do you remember that Bulgarian stripper

that broke my heart?

- Bavnesh Patel? - Yeah.

- You're my best friend. - You're my best friend.

- I need you today, okay? - Okay.

- Can you be there for me? - Hundred percent.

- Okay. - All right?

Okay, I'm sorry, I'm just nervous.

I know.

She's actually really lovely.

I'm glad to hear you say that.

You look great.

Hold on.

[grunts]

I'll leave it-- I'll leave it open.

- Yeah... - It's looks better open.

Let's go.

After you.

[light harp music playing]

Does the best man have the ring?

Best man... the ring.

Oh, bollocks, that's me, isn't it? Sorry.

Um, let me just get it. I've got it in this pocket.

You have got it, haven't you?

Of course, I have it. I'm not a complete idiot, Adam.

I haven't left it at the flat or anything, of course...

Have you lost it?!

That's a 3,000 pound ring!

Did you take it?

No, of course, he didn't take it.

[Bav] Have you got it, Father?

- [Adam] No, you have it. - No.

- [Bav] I told you I don't want the responsibility. - [Adam] Okay, okay.

- Shall I go back to the flat and get it? - No, don't go back.

Do you know we're in the middle of the ceremony?

[Bav] Okay, okay.

Uh... Oh, wait... [chuckles]

- I've got it, I've got it. - [groans]

[Bav] What were you all worried about?

Panic over. Sorry, guys, sorry.

Here we go.

Oh, shit!

- [gasping] - [Sarah] Oh, my God!

Is the ring essential?

[big band music playing]

♪ Gotta grab hold of life with all of my might ♪

♪ Like each moment just might be my last ♪

♪ Leave my worries behind... ♪

- [Sarah] Question. - [Adam] Yes.

What's the deal with you and Bav, hm?

What do you mean?

Does he have some embarrassing photos of you naked

or he's blackmailing you with them or...?

No. You know how it is.

Some people, you just know for so long they're like family.

Really?

You know, before I left for America

- we barely spent a day apart. - Mm.

We were like brothers.

Well, I guess at least I know I've married someone extremely tolerant.

That's true. I do tolerate you, don't I?

- [chuckles] Yep. - Yep.

And you've just agreed to for the rest of your life.

- So, tough titties. - Uh-oh.

- Uh-oh. Ooh. - [chuckles]

Okay.

Hi, guys, my name is Bav,

and me and Adam have been friends since we were kids.

When we were five years old we called ourselves the Inseparables.

And we promised and swore

that nothing or no one would ever come between us.

Even though Adam moved away to America and left me on my own.

Even during all of that we still remained very, very close friends.

BFFs forever and we still are.

There was-- there was this one period

when this guy called, um, Dan Simmonds came on the scene,

and he thought he was Adam's best friend.

But Adam soon realized what a complete dick he was

and he got rid of him.

Daniel Simmonds, where is he now?

- He died. - Huh?

- Bro, he died. - Oh, he did die, didn't he? I forgot.

Okay, guys, um,

I just remembered that Daniel Simmonds actually died.

So sorry about that, um, it's quite sad,

maybe we could all have a moment of silence for Daniel Simmonds.

Maybe everyone bow their heads.

I think that's enough. A minute silence is never normally a minute.

You know, and he...

It is sad, but he was a bit of a dick.

He was a bit of a dick. He had a weird vibe about him.

Talking about death, uh...

My mum actually died not too long ago....

And that was quite traumatizing and quite sad for me, you know?

By the end of it, she was a real mess.

She had to wear an adult size nappy, you know.

And Adam is such a good friend of mine

that he used to come around and help me clean her,

and, you know, in all her private parts, as well, you know...

[sighs]

And it wasn't pretty down there,

let me tell you, it was, uh...

it was quite horrific.

It was like a horror film down there.

He would really get in there and give it a good scrub.

Good friend. Good mate.

["Just the Two of Us" by Engelbert Humperdinck playing]

♪ I see the crystal raindrops fall ♪

♪ See the beauty of it all ♪

♪ When the sun comes shining through ♪

♪ To make those rainbows in my mind ♪

♪ When I think of you sometime ♪

♪ I want to spend some time with you ♪

♪ Just the two of us ♪

♪ We can make it if we try ♪

- ♪ Just the two of us ♪ - ♪ Just the two of us ♪

♪ Just the two of us ♪

♪ Building castles in the sky ♪

♪ Just the two of us you and I ♪

- ♪ Just the two of us ♪ - ♪ Just the two of us ♪

♪ We can make it if we try ♪

♪ Just the two of us ♪

♪ Just the two of us ♪

♪ Just the two of us ♪

♪ Building castles in the sky ♪

♪ Just the two of us ♪

♪ You and I ♪

♪ Just the two of us ♪

♪ Just the two of us ♪

♪ Building castles in the sky ♪

♪ Just the two of us ♪

♪ You and I ♪

[rock music playing]

[Sarah] Uh, have you got the passports?

- Yes. - Did you book the taxi?

Yes, it's gonna be here at two.

Also, by the way, I had a thought.

We're gonna be visiting the San Rocco gallery, right?

- The San Rocco museum? - Yeah.

And thought that maybe

we could meet the curator there and try to see if they can

help you get an exhibition going in London or something.

- Seriously? - Yeah. Oh, yeah.

I made a good decision marrying you.

- That's what I'm talking about. - I don't care what they say.

- That was-- That was a joke, right? - [chuckles]

- Yeah, pretty much. - Pretty much. Right.

So when you say "pretty much" what do you mean, exactly?

- What are you doing here? - [laughs]

Relax, okay?

I married you, didn't I?

Yeah, I guess you did.

[cell phone ringing]

Sorry, one second.

- It's Bav. - Of course it is.

He can't go five minutes without speaking to you.

Oh, I should probably take that though,

because he's got this work review today,

and I'm kinda nervous about it.

I mean, he really loves...

really loves his job, so...

- I'm gonna... - Take it.

- Yeah? - Mm-hm.

- You sure? - Yeah.

- Okay. - At least we're gonna have

two weeks without him.

- Hello? - [Bav crying over phone]

Bav?

[Bav] They fired me, man.

- They fucking fired me! - [sighs] Buddy, what?

Okay, maybe, uh... all right.

- Hey! - Well...

- Hey, hey, hey-- - Hold on, sorry.

I have to-- I don't know, I don't know.

Hold on one second. I gotta go, ten minutes,

give me 15 minutes. Okay, sorry.

Please, please... I'll be right back.

[Adam] So you came to the tree, huh?

The fingering tree.

Classic spot.

Do you remember in 2004, when I fingered four girls here?

- I don't remember that. - No, I did, remember?

I did it so much I got arthritis that summer.

- Got it. Yeah. - It's this finger.

Yeah, yeah.

So, tell me, what happened? What'd you do?

Why are you assuming it's something I did?

That's called victim blaming, mate.

I'm sorry, but... what'd you do?

So, they asked me what some of my weaknesses are.

- And you said? - I said that some people think my penis is too big.

Oh, my God, Bav.

Why would you say that in a work review?!

It was obviously a joke!

I didn't think that she'd get offended!

She?! You said that to a female?!

I mean, you don't ever refer to your penis

in a work review, Bav. That's page one.

Especially to a woman.

Alright, it was a gamble that didn't pay off, I get it.

But, now, they're calling me a misogynist.

Me?!

I love women.

You know, I'm always trying to have sex with literally any woman?

- It's true. - I might call them up and tell them, actually.

- I don't think that'll help. - I'm such an idiot.

[sighs]

I'm just no good at this life stuff.

Maybe it would just be better if I wasn't here.

What?

After you come back from your honeymoon,

if I'm not around anymore, just don't to be sad, okay?

- What do you mean? - You've got Sarah now.

You'll be okay without me.

Just do me one favor though.

When I'm not here anymore...

come back here to the fingering tree...

think about me.

Think about the good times.

[cell phone ringing]

Adam, where the hell are you?

The car is gonna be here soon.

Sarah, we've got a problem.

I think I've a solution but, uh...

I'm gonna need you to brace yourself.

- [upbeat music playing] - [woman singing in Italian]

Venice!

Venice! Venice! Venice! Venice!

Gondola!

Interesting T-shirt, Bav.

Oh, thank you, yeah. It's uh...

See you next Tuesday. So, it's C-U-N-T.

- It actually stands for-- - Yeah, we know what it stands for.

Okay.

- I think it really suits you. - Oh, thank you.

How lucky was it that there was an extra plane ticket for me?

Oh... really lucky.

- Right? - So lucky.

[Bav chuckles]

[door opens]

Whoa.

- So, what do you think? - It's gorgeous!

- Do you like it? - I love it!

- I'll go and get ready. - Okay.

[exhales]

- [upbeat music playing] - [man singing in Italian]

[rapid knocking on door]

Yeah, okay, I'm coming.

[mutters] I need to use your bathroom.

What? Why? Why? There's what-- just--

- What's wrong with yours? - Okay, mine's all clogged up.

Okay, you don't wanna know what's going on there right now.

I shouldn't have had those clams on the plane.

They weren't serving clams on the plane.

No, I brought them from home. I shouldn't have left them

out of the fridge for so long.

Just use one of the hotel toilets downstairs.

There's no time, mate. There's no time.

- [Adam] No, no, no... - [grunts] Sarah?!

- [Adam] The swans... - Sarah?!

- Sarah, open the door. - [knocking]

Sarah, open the door, I need to use the toilet.

For fuck's sake!

Oh, my God... Please, Sarah, open the door!

I'm not dressed. I cannot open!

I've seen tits before, I don't care! Please, just open the door.

It's more out than in right now, please!

- Fuck off, Bav! - Sarah, please, I'm going to shit myself.

- Don't do it on the floor. - Sarah!

- Stop banging! - Sarah! Sarah, open the door!

- Sarah! - Stop banging, she's...

- Sarah! Sarah! - Jesus!

Get out, get out, get out, get out...

- Oh, Sarah, I'm so sorry. - What the fuck, Adam?

- I don't know. I don't know what's going on, he just-- - What the fuck?

[groans]

He just came in through the door.

I don't know he's got--

He's got diarrhea or something, he ate clams.

There were no clams on the plane.

I know, he brought the clams, I don't know.

- I don't know, I'm sorry. - [Bav groaning]

- [Adam] My God. - [Bav] Ohh.

- It burns. Adam, it burns! - [groans]

I didn't even know a human could create a smell like that.

[Bav] It's coming out of my asshole!

How do you think I feel, Sarah?

- [Sarah] I'm gonna be sick. - [groans]

Let me in! I need to be sick.

[Bav] I seriously do not recommend

coming in here right now.

- It's a fucking warzone in here. - Dude...

[Bav] Don't come in here, Sarah, I'm saying it for your own good.

- [retching] - [mutters]

[Bav] I'm so sorry, guys.

[gasping]

Sorry!

Mm.

[Bav exhales]

Sarah, you're not eating that?

I seem to have lost my appetite.

Come on, that's a waste.

It's a buffet.

You're supposed to eat as much as you can.

You're supposed to eat as much as you like,

not as much as you can.

There is a difference.

Yeah, but it's free food.

There are children starving in Africa.

Okay, Adam, I'll see you outside.

- Yeah. - Cool?

What's up with her?

Listen, Bav, we're spending the day

- alone today, okay? - That's totally cool with me.

And what's Sarah gonna do?

What do you mean?

If we're gonna spend the day alone,

- what's Sarah gonna do? - No, no.

Sarah and me are spending the day together.

- The whole day? - Yes, the whole day.

What am I supposed to do,

sit at home with my thumb up my ass?

Remember, this is mine and Sarah's honeymoon, right?

Yes, you don't have to remind me, you go on about it all the time.

Because it doesn't seem to be sinking in.

Okay, go then, Adam.

Go, enjoy your "honeymoon".

See you later.

One full day pass, just you and me.

Thank fuck for that.

[upbeat music playing]

[speaking Italian]

Something pure.

Something real.

So, when I saw Tintoretto's paintings,

I was, like, obsessed

by his use of light and color.

For its time, it's been really groundbreaking.

Hey.

- Are you listening? - Yeah, totally.

- Uh-huh? - You were talking about Tin Tin or something.

Tintoretto! One of the greatest Italian artists...

- Okay. - ...to have ever lived.

Alright, alight, I'll Google him when we get back.

[Bav chuckles]

Adam!

Adam!

- Adam! [voice echoes] - You've gotta be kidding me.

- Adam! Adam! - No, no, no! We're not acknowledging him.

- No. - Adam!

Adam!

Adam!

Adam!

They're my friends.

Adam!

Adam!

Adam!

Sarah!

Sarah!

Sarah!

Adam and Sarah!

Adam and Sarah!

- Adam and Sarah! - What?!

I got this T-shirt!

I got you the same one!

Matching twinsies!

Promise me you will never wear that T-shirt.

Cool.

They're my friends.

My friends.

[speaking Italian]

Um, I ordered an adult size cup,

this seems to be a cup for a small child.

They have small cups in Italy, no?

Yeah, I know, right? What's that about? [chuckles]

Do I know you? Your face looks so familiar.

Do you do porn?

Uh... no.

I mean, you definitely could.

I don't know how big your penis is,

- but you have BDE. - BDE?

- Big dick energy. - Oh.

- I guess it takes one to know one. - Hey... [laughs]

Oh, no, not really. I'm blushing, no, no, no. Mine's not that big.

- Oh. - It's very wide, but not very long.

I've got big bollocks, but small cock.

I'd be curious to see that.

Hey, you're my level. Bav!

- Giorgio. - Nice to meet you, man!

[speaks Italian]

So you are here alone?

I'm actually with a couple,

and they're on their honeymoon.

They must like you a lot

to bring you on their honeymoon.

Yeah. But I wanna do something for them, you know.

Something romantic, like a romantic gesture, you know.

Something to make their honeymoon feel really special.

You know what?

I think I just had an amazing idea.

Could you excuse me for one minute,

and I'll be right back?

- Of course. - Okay.

[band playing music]

Excuse me.

This is it, the San Rocco art gallery.

Oh, no.

Closed for the rest of the summer.

I'm so sorry.

It's not a big deal, honestly.

We'll come some other time.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Aye-yi-yi.

Thank you so much. They're gonna love this.

Okay, come, come.

In here.

Andale, andale, andale, andale, andale.

[chuckles]

Okay, we're gonna hide in here,

wait for them to arrive,

and when I say, "One, two, three,"

we're going to burst out and give them

the romantic surprise of their lives.

[moaning]

[shushing]

- Put it on. - Really?

- Yeah. - Okay.

I can hear them.

- Okay. - Well, how can I serve you, my lady?

So, you're a jester, aren't you?

- Yeah. - Be a donkey and make me laugh.

[Adam] Oh...

Tamb...

- [Adam] You wanna ride me? - This one, clarinet?

[braying]

[Sarah] Faster, faster, faster.

[braying continues]

Faster.

Go faster! Faster!

- [tambourine jingles] - [mutters]

[whispers] Shut the fuck up!

Did you hear that?

- What was that? - Be quiet!

[whispers] Shut...

[Sarah gasps]

And a one, and a two, and a three...

[band playing]

[Adam] To be clear, we're only coming to this friend of yours

because you promised not to ever mention what you just saw

for the rest of your life. Right?

- [Bav] Yeah, I promise! - [Adam] Alright.

[Bav] It was weird though, and really disturbing.

- [Adam] Dude... - [Bav] I mean, what was that donkey stuff?

[Adam] You literally just promised!

- You just promised! - [Bav] Okay, sorry!

It was just, sort of freakish.

[Adam] Shut up!

- Fuck me! - Wow.

[chuckles]

Who the hell is this friend of yours?

To be honest, the house is bigger than I was expecting.

- See, I'm connected, baby! - Bav!

Hey, Giorgio!

[speaking Italian]

These are my friends I was telling you about.

- Hey, Adam-- - Piacere.

Oh.

Right on, cool, right on.

Okay. Wait, whoa-- Why are you kissing me?

- 'Cause he just did it. - Why is your mouth so wet?

It's spittle from the excitement.

Bav told me all about you.

Although, I'm a little annoyed, you didn't tell me

you were bringing a goddess to the house.

Who are you talk-- Sarah?

Of course, Sarah.

So you're married, yes?

To him?

I am, yes.

- [Adam chuckles] - [all chuckling]

[speaks Italian]

Love is... has no logic, no reason.

It's a... a thing of the heart.

- Hm. - What do you, what do you-- What?

Come, come, let me show you.

I have a few friends around, but make yourself home.

- What is he talking...? - Went over your head, it's too deep for you.

[upbeat dance music playing]

Apples!

Don't pick 'em.

Whoa...

Look, chicks, chicks, chicks, chicks, chicks!

I'm definitely getting laid tonight.

More! More chicks!

Wow, the art here is amazing.

Let me show you.

[chuckles]

[mutters] I think I've died and gone to heaven.

Oi, this one's checking me out.

- She's checking out her phone what are you talking-- - Shh...

[Adam] What is that?

Fuck off.

You tried... you did your best, you did your best.

[Giorgio] These are the original prototypes

of the Venetian masks. They were made 800 years ago.

Wow. They must be worth a fortune.

Ah, priceless.

- What is the manuscript? - This?

This is a letter written by Pope Gregory

to one of my ancestors.

One of my most valuable possessions.

I'm just gonna go to the bathroom.

Hallway, to the left.

[Bav] Just like...

karate's is more of kind of a state of mind, you know.

You kind of live it. Let me show you something.

[makes karate grunt]

Sorry, I was just looking for the bathroom.

[tense music playing]

You know people punch like this. [grunting weakly]

No, twist like this.

[grunting]

You know? You twist...

What the fuck?

Uppercut!

[makes whooshing sound]

Knock your head off.

Clean off.

Bav, by the way.

- Bang, bang, bang. - Bav, Bav, come here.

- What? - Listen to me, listen to me.

[exhales] Shit just got fucking real, bro.

- What happened? - We need to get the hell out of here.

What? Are you joking me? I'm totally in there with Angelina.

I don't give a fuck about Angelina, okay?

You listen to me, you stay right here.

- I'm gonna go get Sarah. - What's happened?

Just shut up, wait here.

[scoffs] Sorry. Anyway... So...

Hey, hey. Can't I talk to you--?

I cannot believe this. Giorgio said he will help me get an exhibition!

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, that's brilliant! That's brilliant.

Oh, thanks. Oh, but we do--

Unfortunately, we have to go. So, Giorgio,

thanks so much for a great evening,

and, um, yeah.

- You're leaving already? - Yeah.

- But it's only three am. - Yeah, the night is young.

But we have this thing tomorrow, so, so we gotta--

Maybe we'll do it again some time.

- I would like that, very much. - Bav, come on.

- Hold on, I'm just showing her these moves. - No, let's go!

Hey, Giorgio, check this shit out!

[grunts]

I literally can't believe it.

I can.

[Bav] What? It was an accident.

Have you ever had an accident before?

Not like that, Bav.

Not like that.

[speaking Italian]

[snaps fingers]

You know, I think we should just go.

But Giorgio told us to wait here.

Have you not fucking gotten it yet?

Giorgio's back there right now

with the cast of the fucking Sopranos.

Oh, come on, Adam. What, just because we're in Italy

everyone's automatically the mafia?

- You know what? - Yeah?

- That's quite stereo-typical. - Oh, no.

- And a little bit racist. - They're drug dealers!

Oh, who hasn't sold a bit of drugs?

It's not like they're violent criminals--

Is this a bullet hole?

- Okay, let's get the fuck out of here. - Let's-- yeah.

[Giorgio speaks Italian]

[in English] Leaving already?

Hey, Giorgio.

Yeah, we gotta get going

'cause we've got that thing tomorrow.

- Sit down, please. - And, uh...

Yeah.

[speaks Italian]

We need to have a conversation.

About the broken art and stuff?

Yes, about the broken art and stuff.

Yeah, can I just say that Bav is really,

- really sorry about what happened. - Yeah.

- [Adam] Aren't you, Bav? - [Bav] Yeah, I'm really sorry.

I was just-- I was talking to that girl,

and I thought I was in there, and I thought I'd show her

some moves, I did the spinning kick--

To be honest, I am very sorry,

but everything was placed quite precariously.

You should really space it out

'cause it was just waiting for an accident.

Well, when my father finds out about this,

he's gonna lose his temper...

and that won't be good for anyone.

This needs to be paid for.

By insurance?

There is no insurance.

That's weird.

- Look, I have an idea. - Yeah.

You know we are quite close to the Slovenian border here?

- [Adam] Okay. - I have a package

that I need to be delivered.

You take the package to Slovenia,

collect the money, bring it back

and maybe we can forgive the broken art. Huh?

[Adam] Sounds good, but, the only thing is,

I kind of have a policy against taking

mystery packages across foreign borders.

[snaps fingers] I think maybe you're gonna change that policy.

[whispers] I think the mystery package might be drugs.

[whispers] Of course, it's drugs!

Okay, it's settled then. Adam, Bav,

you will go to Slovenia with the package.

And, uh, I will keep Sarah as security.

- Okay, deal. - Wait, hold on. What, what, what?

Yeah, what? I'm not staying here.

But if you are not staying

how do I know that you guys won't run away?

- Because we promise. - Oh, I don't-- People break promises.

This is bullshit. I'm not staying.

Yeah, and I'm not leaving her here, so...

Well, we could always go with the alternative option

that my men in here came up with.

What's the alternative option?

They want to take you for a drive

to the water's edge, shoot you in the head

and throw your corpses into the canal.

[tense music playing]

You know, why don't you take a couple of minutes to think about it, huh?

Okay.

Okay.

Oh, my God. What the fuck?

Honestly, from the minute I met Giorgio,

I just knew there was something off about him.

And you still decided to bring us to his fucking house.

Well, I mean, he's so charming. He looks like James Bond.

I mean, you were getting on just fine with him, to be honest.

Yes, I was actually,

until you went Mr. Bean on his art collection!

You know what, honestly, what is the big deal about art anyway?

Like, it's just-- it's just shapes and sizes,

like little dicks. They always have statues with the little dicks.

I don't-- What's the big deal? What's the fuss about?"

You know what, Bav? I'm gonna kill you.

- What? - I'm just gonna actually kill you.

What? What are you doing?

- What's she doing? - Sarah, stop it!

- Whoa, whoa... - I really...

- Okay, Sarah... - Geez.

- Sarah, stop. Sarah! - [muffled yelling]

- Adam, Adam! - Sarah! Sarah, get--

Sarah! Sarah!

- [grunts] - Stop it! Stop it!

I never want to see his stupid face ever again!

- Do you hear me? - Stupid face?

- Yes, your stupid idiot face! - Okay. Just calm down!

No, I'm not going to calm down because this is just as much your fault!

Why? Why is it my fault?

Because you thought it was gonna be a good idea

to bring this moron on our honeymoon!

- Okay, okay. - I mean, Adam, what is he even doing here?!

Let's just talk about this another time.

Please, maybe when our lives aren't being threatened?

- Fine. - Okay.

- Or just... - Just go.

The two of you can finally be together,

which is clearly what you want.

Sarah, I'm not leaving you, okay?

We don't have a choice.

Unless you want all of us

to end up in the canal.

[speaks Italian]

[in English] Did you make up your mind?

[Sarah] Yes.

We decided to go for the not getting murdered option.

[exhales] What a relief.

[muttering]

I hate it when people I like get murdered.

Let's-let's get you ready.

Could we really not just put this all in the trunk of the car?

Unfortunately, they... they have roadblocks and search the cars.

It's safer this way.

But do we need to tape it to our actual skin?

Yes. Rico will give you the instructions and the address.

Feeling good?

I've felt better.

Just get back as quickly as possible, okay?

- I will. - Okay.

I'm so sorry.

I can promise you that...

I will take good care of Sarah.

And, oh, and if you think about calling the police,

or doing anything, um...

Well, you know...

Okay.

How can he manage to threaten to kill us

and still be so goddamn charming?

I mean, that is charisma.

Alright, here's the address.

And what happens if we do get caught?

[chuckles] If you want to see your wife alive again...

don't get caught.

- He's less charming. - Let's just get this over with.

Well, at least Giorgio sorted us out with a really nice car.

- Shall we pop the radio on? - No.

Adam, mate, don't worry, alright?

It's gonna be okay.

Giorgio said that he's gonna look after Sarah,

and I really believe him.

Yeah, unfortunately, I think I know what he has in mind.

- What, you think he's into her? - He's clearly into her!

He was all over her from the second that we walked in.

Well, he might fancy her a little bit.

But I don't think that she'd be into him..

I mean, although he is ridiculously good looking.

And he's so charming, and he's filthy rich.

He kinda reminds me of, like, an Italian movie star.

- What's your point?! - I'm just saying, Adam,

that you're her husband, okay?

She's committed to you, whether she likes it or not.

Okay, well, listen,

if you get hungry later, I've got some sandwiches.

- I've got ham and I've got egg. - Look, this isn't a jolly, okay?!

It's not some fun little road trip.

We're smuggling drugs, and we're risking our lives

and potential prison, while my wife is being held hostage

by a particularly handsome Italian drug lord.

- He is handsome. - So forgive me if I don't wanna listen to the radio,

and-and eat fucking sandwiches!

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm just...

Just give me the egg.

Actually, I quite wanted the egg.

Just give me the fucking egg, Bav!

Just unwrap the foil, please.

Yeah, sure, sorry.

Here...

- [tires screeching] - [muffled] Stop!

- Alright, sorry. - Why is it... still hot? Why is it so wet?

Well, it's been in my pocket, obviously, I mean...

[spits]

Oh, that's a waste.

[groans] It's disgusting.

Just give me the ham.

- You want the ham? - Yeah.

Why are you doing that again?

- Sorry. - We just went through that.

Hey, don't look so sad, beautiful.

Listen to me, motherfucker,

if you or anyone thinks about touching me,

you should be aware that I know 15 different self-defense kill moves,

including the one with the thumbs in the eyeballs.

[Giorgio] I can assure you he's not gonna touch you.

How do you know?

Ah, because he's gay.

Are you?

Just because I'm a drug dealer I can't be gay?

Are you stereotyping homosexuals?

[coughs]

[speaks Italian]

[peaceful music playing]

[Bav] God, it's amazing here, isn't it?

Remember that, um, school trip we had to the Lake District?

This kinda like reminds me of that.

Yeah, there are a couple minor differences

- I can think of. - Yeah, true. [chuckles]

Still though, that was an amazing time wasn't it?

Me you, Rajesh, Magnus...

Oh, those were the days.

Before girls got involved.

Saying that, wasn't that the trip

where I snogged three girls?

- Oh, God, here we go. - Yeah.

You did not snog three girls on that trip.

That was the trip where I snogged the triplets.

The-- Oh, they are triplets now.

- Yeah-- - Unbelievable, dude.

You just keep adding to the story.

No, they've always been triplets.

Dude, we were 12 years old,

the teacher was watching us the entire time.

No.

Oh, fuck.

It's a roadblock.

Oh, my God. What do we do?

Just be calm, be calm, bro, it's fine.

Kind hard to be calm though, Bav, when I've got

200,000 pounds of cocaine strapped to my testicles.

Look, they're pulling cars over, they're talking to people.

- Oh, fuck, we're so dead. - We're not dead. Stop doing that face.

- Oh, God, these guys are pulling us over. - Stop doing that face.

- What face? - That stupid

"I'm a guilty drug smuggler" face.

What are you talking about, this is my face!

[Bav] Maybe we should just turn ourselves in?

[Adam] What the fuck are you talking about?

They threatened to hurt Sarah if we get caught.

[Bav] Okay, that's true. It's going to be fine.

Shut up, shut up, shut up.

Hi, Officer.

Can I ask what is your purpose

for coming into Slovenia?

We're on holiday.

Yeah, honeymoon.

- [stuttering] - Not ours.

No. There's nothing wrong with that, if you are that.

Um, but his honeymoon, with his wife.

Bella.

But she's not here.

No. No, she is not here,

she is... she's back in Venezia.

[both] Venice.

So, you came with your wife on your honeymoon,

and you go on a trip with him?

I know-- it's weird.

[chuckles] You can imagine my wife,

how angry she is about it.

[both laughing]

Are you bringing through any contraband goods?

- No. - Animals?

No, no, no.

- Drugs? - Drugs?

Oh, no.

How... I have never ever,

ever touched a drug in my life, ever.

- Right. - [stutters] Okay, you know,

I once, once did coke by accident.

It was my friend, hit me with-- and it went in my--

But, uh... is alcohol a drug?

Because alcohol, okay, I've done alcohol before.

Yeah, because people do consider it a drug, technically.

Well, then lock me up and throw away the key, but...

Illegal, illegal drugs?

Never ever in my life, I swear to God.

I swear to...

Could you pull the car over to the side please, sir?

Officer, I would really like to apologize for my friend.

He has problems with his brain.

Pull the car over there, please.

Right, yeah, of course, no problem.

[Adam shuddering]

- What the fuck was that, bro? - I was trying to throw him

- off the scent, okay? - You fuckin' managed to spray the scent

- all over his fucking face! - What do we do now?

[Adam] We're just gonna be really calm and do exactly what he says.

- Please step out of the car. - Yes, coming.

- Coming. - Coming.

Bav! What the fuck!

Dude, you've got fucking coke pouring out of you!

- Oh, God. - Just lift your arm and hold it up, Jesus.

[whispers indistinct]

Could you come with me, please?

- Why? - Where?

Come with me.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Is there a problem, Officer?

Yes, we have a problem.

You don't have the appropriate pass

to be driving in Slovenia.

You need a Vignette Toll Sticker.

- Oh, thank God. - [Adam slaps Bav's leg]

I just have to sign it.

- Do you need a pen? - Oh, yes.

Ah.

I have a-- actually.

He has a pen.

[whispering indistinct]

Oh, my God, I feel so alive.

- [officer] Excuse me! - He's onto us, he's onto us!

Shit, why is he coming after us?

- Fuck, he must have seen... - Excuse me!

...some of the fucking coke coming out my sleeve.

[Adam] We're gonna go to jail, and they're going to kill Sarah.

He's coming! Quick, quick, quick! Press the fucking gas!

I'm going-- I'm going as fast as I can!

[indistinct] God, what the fuck, man!

- Oh, God. - [Bav] Quick, quick!

- [Adam] Oh, my God. - [Bav] Oh, God!

[rock music playing]

[mutters] Oh, God. Is he behind us?

I don't think so! Just keep driving!

[Adam] What do I do now?!

- You see that sign road, yeah? - Yeah.

[Bav] Drift into there!

Drift into-- I'm not fucking Vin Diesel.

Do a 230 degree turn at three o'clock.

Do a 230 degree turn at three o'clock?

What the fuck are you talking about?

- There's no fucking time! - I'm doing it!

[both yelling]

[coughing]

There you go, good boy, good boy.

Oh, get it all out.

Better out than in, that's what my mum always used to say.

Fuck off!

[groans]

Okay, I think that's it.

What the hell are you doing?!

- I'm burning the car. - Why?

- Have you never seen any movie, ever? - [lighter flicking]

They've got our license plate, okay.

This is evidence we need to get rid of!

Plus, it's got our DNA all over it, you Muppet!

- No, no, no, no. - Go, go, go, go, go!

- Fucking run! - Oh, my God!

Bav.

A problem?

You know what?

Why don't you take your time?

Spend the night there.

Yeah, cool!

[laughing]

Yeah. No, no, no.

No, no, understood. No, no, understood.

Yeah, sorry, yeah.

Okay, thank you, bye.

Was Sarah okay?

Um... yeah, probably, I don't know I didn't ask.

Giorgio is cool though, he's in good spirits.

He said that we could drop the stuff off tomorrow morning,

so, he's given us this place that we can stay overnight.

- Overnight?! - Yeah, sorry, um...

Jesus Christ.

He also said that

if we mess this up we're both dead.

I mean, he didn't say it like that, you know,

he said it in a Giorgio way, you know, what he's like,

so charming. That was the crux of it.

So where is this place we're supposed to stay at?

- Fourteen miles away. - Fourteen miles?!

We're meant to walk 14 miles?

That's alright. We'll just take it step by step.

[thunder rumbles softly]

[rain pattering]

[knocking on door]

Hello!

Hello!

Oh.

Hi, sorry.

Uh... Giorgio sent us.

[woman spits]

Oh.

- Hello. - Hiya.

[man spits]

Okay.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you, madam.

God...

[woman spits]

[exhales] What the hell was that?

What was with all the spitting.

- Why was she spitting so much? - Bro...

There's only one bed.

We can just 69 it,

like we used to do when we were kids.

You mean top and tails?

Yeah, top and tails, 69, same thing.

- You know what I mean. - It's not the same thing.

Alright, whatever. Okay, listen,

I'm just gonna go to the bathroom, alright.

Okay.

Don't take too long.

Yeah.

[exhales]

Bav, I'm gonna need some help.

Okay. Are you sure?

Yeah.

- Alright. - Okay.

- Ready? - Yeah.

- Three... - On three.

...two, one. Go!

- [tape ripping] - [groaning]

Okay, on three.

[groaning]

- One, two.... - Ooh, fuck me!

Okay, okay, you want me to do you now?

Nah, I'm probably gonna go to the bathroom,

the hot water, the steam will help it come off really easily.

Otherwise you get that. [chuckles]

What? How?

Why didn't you tell me?

[exhales]

[farting]

[inhales sharply]

Mm.

Fuck.

[Adam] Everything okay? You were in there for a while.

Yeah, yeah, all good.

Got the tape off nice and easy, did you?

Yeah. Came on, off....

Right.

- Bav, what are you doing? - You know I always sleep naked.

Not in this tiny bed with me in it, you're not.

- Oh, my God. - Put some clothes on.

Alright.

I can't believe I should have been with Sarah

in that beautiful hotel right now.

Instead I'm in the worst hotel on the planet.

Is it really bad to admit that I'm not having the worst time?

I mean... [sighs] It's kinda, like, nice to spend some time together,

some real you and me time, we haven't done that for ages.

Do you know what I was thinking about, Adam?

I was thinking about our Geography teacher.

What was his name? Mr. Barker.

- Weirdo Beardo. - Weirdo Beardo.

Yeah, 'cause he was weird, and he had a beard. [chuckles]

Oh, my God, do you remember when you put something on his seat and he sat on it?

What was it, was it a hair brush? A hair brush?

- It was a pine cone. - Pine cone! [laughs]

That was amazing!

Oh, my God, you were in so much trouble that year.

If they'd found out it was you

they'd probably would have kicked you out of school.

And you took the blame for me, didn't you?

Yeah. I got one week detention.

Why'd you do that, Bav?

Why'd you take the blame for me?

What do you mean, why? Am I your best friend?

Oh, hi.

Hello.

Excuse me?

Ivan.

- Okay, yeah. - Oh.

I think you may have come into the wrong room?

Uh, the wrong...

I think you may have come into the wrong room.

Mr. Ivan.

'Cause we're-- we're stay--

[snorting] [spits]

[snoring]

Good morning, my dear.

Did you sleep well?

Weirdly, no.

Me neither.

But I got inspired.

I drew something for you.

Cool.

Please, have some breakfast and then I planned a little trip for us.

- What kind of trip? - I promise that you will like it.

And we'll be back in time for Adam and Bav.

- [snoring] - [rooster crows]

[groaning]

[Adam] Get off.

Get off of me!

Oh, shit, sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Jesus Christ, you weigh a ton!

It's just the Christmas weight.

Christmas weight, it's July!

Alright, I haven't shed it yet, alright.

Don't body shame me!

Jesus, Bav.

- What? - Do you have a boner?

It's a morning boner.

It's not for you, don't flatter yourself, mate!

At least that weirdo's gone and didn't kill us in the night.

Hey, Bav!

By the time I get back from the bathroom

I want that thing gone.

[Ivan sniffs]

What the hell?

Okay, well, thank you so much for having us.

- Really appre-- - [blows raspberry]

- Oh? - [sputtering]

Yeah, uh...

[spits]

Yeah.

And, uh, it was a very pleasant stay, and...

[spits]

So thank you.

Yeah, okay, thank you!

[spits]

[door closes]

- [Bav] Adam, Adam! - Okay.

- Bav? - Great news!

I've got Ivan to take us to the drop off.

- Really, that's great news? - It's better than walking.

I guess. How'd you get him to agree to that?

I told him you were gonna give him 500 euros.

- Okay? Come on, let's go! - Five hundred euros?

How'd you get-- How'd you get to 500 euros?

[Bav] I started on 800, I hammered it down.

Hey, Ivan, how's it going?

Thank you, okay, maybe we can talk about the...

There's no front seat, huh?

Really?

This was 500 euros?

This car's not worth 500 euros!

[groans] What is that smell? I can't breathe.

I think it's coming from this.

Hey, it's Ivan's shitty underpants.

Oh, God. Why would he have a bag of shitty underpants?

Ooh.

- [engine starts] - [loud rock music playing on stereo]

Um...

This place is closed.

Not for me.

[dramatic music playing]

Really?

[rock music continues]

[Adam] Ivan!

- Ivan! - What?

Can you please turn the music down?

[music stops]

Thank you.

Adam, I had a really weird dream last night.

- I don't know if I should tell you about. - Don't tell me then.

- But I feel like you should know. - Okay then.

I just don't wanna hurt your feelings though.

Fine, so don't tell me.

Yeah, but then I feel like I'm holding stuff back from you,

and you know we don't have secrets.

Bav, just tell me or don't tell me.

I really don't give a fuck.

- Alright, I'll tell you. - God.

So, last night, I had a dream about Sarah.

And Giorgio was shagging her, from behind.

I mean, he was giving her proper seeing to.

Then, all of a sudden,

she started asking for me.

Jesus Christ.

And I didn't wanna join in, I really didn't,

but Sarah absolutely insisted.

And then me and Giorgio were both doing her

in every way imaginable,

and that's why I had that boner this morning.

For fuck's sake, Bav.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Well, I can't control my dreams.

- I-- - Sorry!

But don't tell me about them!

Just keep 'em private.

[classical music playing]

Wow!

No one had to be killed for this to happen, right?

No.

Good.

[clears throat]

God, I love Tintoretto.

Does Adam share your love of art?

He tries, but, not really.

What does he do for a living?

He's a marketing manager.

Is that exciting?

Exciting?

I guess not, but at least he's not a fucking criminal.

[rock music playing]

I need to use the toilet, da?

[grunts]

Oh!

- [groans] - [Bav] Oh, God.

[exhales]

That's pungent!

Hey, listen, bro, I just...

You know when we do the drop, if anything happens to us--

- Don't talk like that, Bav. - No, no, no,

I'm just saying, like, if they kill us

or they chop our heads off or anything,

I just want to let you to know that, like,

I couldn't have asked for a better best friend.

Okay, well, good to know. Anyway, nothing's gonna happen.

We're just gonna give them the drugs, take the money and that's it.

Yeah, you're probably right.

Although...

Although?

You should-- you should probably know that

there might be a... slight problem with the drugs.

What slight problem with the drugs?

So, you know, when I was having a bath yesterday, and I was,

like, you know, trying to get all the drug packaging--

some of the water seeped into the drug packaging,

and some of it, it's...

quite a lot of it's... quite fucked.

What?

Sorry, it-it...

It kinda....

Yeah, I'm really sorry,

it's kind of like mixed with the water

it's kinda turn it into like a weird kind of mush.

- What the fuck, Bav! - I'm sorry!

- What the fuck! - Your half is still okay!

- Yeah, but we need all of it! - Okay, it's fine--

What are we going to do? What are they gonna say

- when they see this? - I've thought about it.

- What have you come up with? - Nothing, I've just thought about it!

- Oh, my God! - Relax, relax, I'll take care of it!

Oh, yeah, you're-- you're gonna take care of it?

I'll handle it! Stop being so fucking neurotic!

Oh, I'm being neurotic?

Yeah, you big, fucking neurotic freak!

[upbeat music playing]

Don't... Don't even think about it!

Don't do it!

Oh, my God, are you kidding me?

- [groans] - Yeah, it hurts!

Hey, hey!

- [yelling] - [laughing]

Hey, what are you doing? Stop!

Stop! Stop it!

Are you using the good stuff?

I might have been.

What, are you fucking crazy?

Well, you fucking started it!

Oh, did I? Sorry.

How was your shit?

Let's go.

[Adam] Well, now we are completely fucked.

- [Bav] You're the one who threw it. - [Adam] Shut up, just shut up.

My mother used to take me

to see all the Renaissance artists.

If things had been different, I might have been a painter.

Why didn't you?

My father wanted me to take on the family business.

And you couldn't say no to him?

He's not an easy man to say no to.

Must be hard having your life controlled like that.

You might have all the money in the world,

but if you don't have the freedom

to be who you wanna be, what good is it?

Come, I have another surprise for you.

[exclaims]

What the absolute fuck.

This is my favorite place in all of Venezia.

Do you like it?

How could I not like it? It's phenomenal.

By the way, I spoke to the curator of the gallery.

Anything you want for your exhibition in London, it's yours.

Why are you doing all this?

Just want to make up for everything that's happened.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have a quick phone call to make.

[speaking Italian]

[Bav] I don't like the look of this place.

Maybe we should go home.

[Adam] And what about Sarah, we just leave her with Giorgio?

[Bav] Adam, you know what, you can just get another wife,

you can find someone else.

[Adam] Bav, we are going in there

to deliver the drugs and get the money.

[groans] [sniffing]

Oh, fuck.

- Come on, then. - You want me to come, as well?

Yeah, of course, you're coming! You're the whole fucking reason we're in this mess.

Maybe you take Ivan instead.

What, why would I take Ivan?

We kinda look the same and, you know, he's...

he's got less to lose than me.

Bav, get the fuck out of the car.

Alright!

Fuck!

Oh, fuck.

Ivan, just wait here, we'll be, like,

- five minutes, alright? - [Ivan] Da.

Oh, fuck. This is fucking nuts, man.

How the fuck are we gonna convince those guys

to take that bag of shit?

It's alright. We've still got some of it.

I think it's gonna be alright. You know what,

I feel weirdly confident about this.

Yeah, you feel confident because a ton of that cocaine

went up your nose.

Oh, Jesus Christ, it's the guy.

- Just act normal. - Yeah.

Hello, we were sent by Giorgio.

Giorgio sent us.

My God, what is this place?

It's alright, it's going to be okay.

It's going to be alright.

[speaking Slovenian]

Maybe we should just come clean.

Shh, I've got a plan, just relax.

Just let me-- let me take this, let me lead.

- What are you gonna say? - Let me lead!

- What are you gonna say? - Chill, just chill.

Stop being cool...

You got the stuff?

Yeah. I've got the stuff.

But, can I just ask you a question?

- Do you really need all this cocaine? - What?

I mean, you know what this does to people, right?

You know it ruins people's lives.

Yeah?

I mean, and for what?

For money?

For a new car?

Shiny new gun?

- I mean... - What are you doing, man?

You can make a change in your life right now.

When you were a little bambino, did you say, "When I grow up,

I wanna be a gangster?"

- No, I wanted to be a soldier. - Yes!

You see, that is a noble profession.

That's because I wanted to kill people.

[both] Ah.

Now, give me bag.

Give him the bag, Bav.

Give me bag.

Give him the bag, Bav.

I don't want to give you the bag.

Give me the fucking bag!

Yeah, sure.

Okay, so....

- What is this shit?! - [Bav] Okay, okay, let me explain,

that's the new-- The new cocaina on the street,

- all the kids are doing it. - [Adam] Chocolate sprinkles.

That's cocaina 2.0-- they call it chocolate chip.

- That's right. - It has pieces of black...

- Chocolate chips... - ...chocolate chips...

You are gonna make so much money off--

We tried some, it's really good shit.

It's like-- I rubbed it all-- It was really, good stuff.

- You want to fuck me?! - Fuck you?

- We don't want to fuck you. - No, absolutely not, sir.

We do not wanna fuck you.

We just had a little mishap,

and we're doing the best we can to salvage the situation.

So, here's-- let me explain.

My friend, right, he got some of that coke wet,

'cause it was-- Long story, right?

You threw it, he threw it at me.

- No, well, we didn't-- - He threw the coke--

- No, don't blame me now.. - Just-- don't...

- [gun cocks] - Don't blame me now.

- Shut up! - Okay, okay.

[tense music playing]

Oh, God, please, please.

- Please! - [whimpering]

[Adam] Okay.

[police yelling in Italian]

[groans]

[gasping]

Oh, fuck!

What the fuck was that?

I think I can see Ivan's car. Come on!

No, no, no, no! We need to get the money!

What the fuck you talking about money?

It's a fucking warzone out there!

We need to get the money for Giorgio

so that he'll let Sarah go!

That's the fucking coke in your system!

Come on, let's fucking go! [yelling]

[rapid gunfire]

[Bav] Adam!

Come on!

Hurry up!

Adam!

Oh, my fucking God! That was fucking amazing!

Come on, let's go! You've been shot.

- You've been shot! - Oh, fuck!

Don't worry, I'll suck the bullet out.

What, what? Why?

[groans] I think it just grazed you, you lucky bastard.

I really wish I hadn't done that now.

- Okay, we gotta go. - Okay.

- Come on, now, let's go. - Alright!

[groans] Oh, come on, I can't get through!

- It's the Christmas weight! - Come on, now.

- [grunts] - Get it through there, buddy!

Come on!

Come on!

- [yells] - Go, go, go, go, go! Come on!

Bav?

- Oh, my God, Bav! - [groans]

Oh, my God, are you okay?

- [groans] - Sorry!

Go!

Go, go, go, go, go!

- Come on! Come on! - It's too much!

- What are you doing?! - It's too much!

- Why are you stopping? - I can't!

- Stop, what are you doing?! - Go on, leave me.

What the fuck are you doing? Come on!

- Goddamn it! Oh, my God! - It's too much!

It's too much!

[rock music blaring]

[grunting]

[dramatic music playing]

Oh, shit!

[yells]

Oh, God!

He's shooting!

Step on the fucking gas!

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

- Oh! - [grunts]

Oh! Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

Go, Ivan, go.

[Bav groans]

We did it.

- We actually did it. - Yes, we did!

We fucking did it, bro!

[Adam laughs]

- [Bav] Oh, God. - [Adam] Oh, God.

Ivan? To Venice!

I had a few dresses brought in

in case you wanted to change for dinner.

Only if you want, of course.

[speaking Italian]

For fuck's sake.

[dramatic music playing]

Alright.

Hey, thanks so much, Ivan.

And, uh, you know, just...

good luck with all the life stuff.

Thank you, my friend. Thank you.

Let's go, Bav.

Bring the bag.

Yep. Bye, Ivan!

Good luck, good friend!

- Okay, ready? - Yeah.

What the fuck is that?

I've taken Ivan's shitty underpants.

Ivan!

Ivan!

Ivan, wait!

Wait, please!

[rock music playing over stereo]

Wait!

Fuck!

[scoffs]

You absolute fuckwit!

What are we supposed to do now, huh?

Adam, I'm so sorry, mate, honestly.

I mean, what's your suggestion, man?

Maybe we should just give Giorgio

Ivan's bag of shitty underpants.

I don't think he's gonna want

Ivan's bag of shitty underpants.

Of course he's not gonna want

Ivan's bag of shitty underpants.

Why would he want...

Adam, mate! Sorry!

Adam!

Adam, mate!

Adam!

Adam, mate! Adam, mate!

We can sort this out, come on!

We always do, we're the Inseparables!

You think that's a good thing for me, Bav?

Us being the Inseparables, do you think

that, that is a good thing for me?

- Well, isn't it? - No, it's not. It's not.

Being in the Inseparables with you, it's like--

It's like-- it's like a life sentence.

And I'm not talking about a life sentence

in your average maximum security prison.

I'm talking about a life sentence in a-- in a-- in a--

in a Siberian gulag,

doing back-breaking labor,

while being repeatedly punched in the face for no reason.

- You should really twist your arm-- - Ah-da-da-da-da!

- You should twist your arm when you-- - Shut the fuck up!

Oh, my God!

You have any idea how draining it is

to be around you all the time?

And I'm not just talking about

the way you consistently fuck

literally everything up.

I'm talking about the guilt.

I can't do it anymore.

I can't just be worried all the time

that you're gonna kill yourself.

Kill myself? Why the hell

would I want to kill myself?

You said that you wanted to kill yourself.

- Did I? - Yeah.

Yeah, you said that if you were gone

when I were to get back from my honeymoon,

not to be sad.

Oh, no, no, 'cause I was thinking of taking a trip.

- A trip? - Yeah, I was gonna see my uncle

- in India for a few months. - Then... You...

Hold a minute, is the only reason

that you brought me on your honeymoon

is because you thought I might kill myself?

Hello? Yes!

Of course, it is!

Why would I invite you on my honeymoon?!

Because I'm your best mate! I thought we'd have a laugh.

- Oh, my God, dude-- - Okay, hold on a minute,

so now are you pissed off

because I'm not gonna kill myself?

That's fucked up, Adam!

I'll tell you what's fucked up, Bav, this.

Us!

Well, you know what, mate, I've been wanting

to say something to you, as well, you know?

- Since when you went to America you fucking changed. - Oh.

And I'm not talking about your stupid accent either.

I don't have a stupid accent.

Yeah, you do! You can't even say aluminium!

- Yeah, I can. - Say it then!

Aluminum... Aluminuminium.

Sad...

You can't even say aluminium.

For the last time, I did not want to move to America!

Why did you go? Why did you go to America?

Why did you leave me then?

- That wasn't my choice! - You left me!

- You were my only mate! - My parents decided it for me!

- I didn't have anyone! - It wasn't my choice.

They fucking left, I had go with them, I was a kid!

And I can't be made to feel like I have to pay for it

for the rest of my life!

God!

We used to be good friends, alright.

But maybe it's best that we accept

that we're different people now,

and we go our separate ways

and you leave me the fuck alone.

What'd I just say? Leave me the fuck alone!

Don't look back at me, go!

Fuck.

[dramatic music playing]

Maybe I should just kill myself.

- Please, don't say that. - No, I mean, come on.

I've got no life, I've got no girlfriend.

I'm just a massive idiot.

You're not that massive.

It's just the Christmas weight.

I don't even know why I came on your honeymoon, honestly.

I think the only reason I did

because I thought this is the last chance

I get to spend some real time with you.

Why would this be our last chance?

Adam, bro, you know what's like.

You and Sarah, you're probably gonna move away together,

you're gonna have loads and loads of amazing babies,

I'll start seeing you less and less and less...

Life just changes.

But you'll always be important to me.

Thanks, man.

Right now though I do need to go

and try and rescue Sarah.

Well, I'm coming with you, obviously.

We're the Inseparables.

[rock music playing]

[Giorgio] You look beautiful.

To be clear, I'm only wearing this dress

because my other clothes were starting to stink.

And because it's a fucking amazing dress.

- Okay, you ready? - Yeah.

- You don't have to do this. - Yeah, I'm gonna do it.

- Ninja mode. - Ninja mode?

- Come on, come, come... - What's Ninja mode?

No. No Ninja mode.

Sarah, I'm... I need to be honest with you.

I think I'm falling in love with you.

[chokes]

I've fallen under your spell.

And I think you deserve something

very special from life.

Shh, shh, shh.

Shh.

[mutters]

Okay, great. Okay, let's go.

Wait, wait, wait. Before we do this...

- Yeah? - I've got a confession to make.

- What? - I didn't really snog

the three girls at the Lake District.

Yeah, dude, I know, I know that.

I only snogged two of them. But they were twins.

Okay, it was just one. But she was a Swedish model.

Alright, I didn't snog any girls, alright.

I didn't snog any girls. Do you think any less of me?

No, Bav, I don't think any less of you.

[classical music playing]

Sarah, you make me want to be a better man.

Whoa...

Are you nuts?

You-you really think I would fall for you

just because you are taking me to an art gallery

and giving me a nice dress to wear?

Jesus Christ, I'm married!

To an amazing guy!

And you are a psychopath!

Did you just fart?

Yeah, I'm scared. Would you--? Fuck!

Jerk that grate right off...

- [mutters] - [grunts]

[Rico] What are you doing?

Hi.

[Luigi] Giorgio?

[door opens]

- What are you doing? - Sorry.

[Adam] What is that?

[Rico speaking Italian]

How did you get here?

Where's Sarah?

Where's the money?

Kind of a... sort of lost it.

Lost it?

Well, it's a shame,

because if you lost the money,

then we'll have to kill you.

- [guns cock] - Wait, wait!

If you're gonna kill him,

then you'll have to kill me, too.

Well, that's already what they were gonna do.

They were gonna kill you both.

Oh, sorry.

Oh, fuck.

Fuck.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Please, please, please, just wait.

Tell Sarah...

Please, just tell Sarah not to grieve for me.

Okay?

Okay?

Tell Sarah not to grieve for me.

I mean, a little bit, obviously, but not too much.

And, um... and tell her to find someone else.

But tell her to make sure

that it's someone who truly deserves her.

You know, maybe someone who can understand her passions

in a way that I never could,

however hard I thought I tried.

And, um... yeah, just tell her to make sure

that it's someone who will support her dreams. Okay?

And, uh... tell her to have kids if she can.

God, she'd just be the best Mom ever.

And tell her that--

Jesus fucking Christ,

do you want me to get a fucking pad and pen?

How am I supposed to remember all this?

Maybe I could remember the first part about the dreams,

and Rico could remember the second--

[grunts]

You only get one message.

[Adam] Okay, fine, then...

Just...

Just tell her that I love her.

[Giorgio] Okay. Now I have to go,

because I cannot deal with all this violence.

[Bav groans]

Oh, God... oh, God...

- So... - This is it. This is it, man.

This is it, man.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What?

Do-do I get a message?

Okay, for who?

Uh... for Adam.

- What? - But he's right here.

He's gonna die!

Yeah, true.

- Um... - [Adam] What...

Come on, say it now!

- Um... - What are you...?

Well, I don't know, now. You can't decide with--

You can't just pee on the spot.

You've put me on pressure.

I don't know what to say to him.

[speaking Italian]

[yells]

- Rico! - Run!

[yelling in Italian]

[yelling]

Bav, come on, come on, come on!

[yelling in Italian]

[Adam] Go, go, go, go!

[yelling in Italian]

[Adam] Inside, inside, inside!

Let's go, go!

[yelling in Italian]

There's a window! There's a window, let's go!

[speaking Italian]

- Lock the door, Bav. - There is no lock!

- What? - There is no lock! There's no key!

[speaking Italian]

Listen, you two get out before they get in.

- What about you? - I'll hold it with my Christmas weight.

- You two, go! - They're gonna get in and they're gonna kill you.

Oh, shit, okay. Well, it's better than all three of us dying.

No, Bav, come on.

Adam, please, okay.

This whole situation was my fault, okay?

- Please. - [Rico and Luigi yelling]

Both of you guys are gonna have amazing lives together.

For once, please let me do something good with my life.

I'm not leaving you.

But you're my... you're my best friend.

You're my best friend, too.

We'll always be the Inseparables.

Now, go! Please, go, man!

- Yeah, bud. - Go!

Go!

[Giorgio] Bav?

Bav?

Yeah?

Open the door, Bav!

- If I do, will you shoot me? - Yes.

Well, obviously, not then, you dickhead.

No, no-- Wait, Sarah, Sarah, Sarah!

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

[panting]

I can't leave him.

I know.

I know! I know!

Let's go.

[Giorgio] Open the door, Bav!

You're an evil James Bond! Evil James Bond!

[speaking Italian]

[tense music playing]

[Sarah] Adam, get the gun!

Kick him in the balls!

- No, no, no-- - Giorgio, don't!

[panting]

Sarah, move away.

Move away!

Listen, since the time I've spent here,

I've seen a good man in you.

I've seen an artist

who just happens to sell drugs and kill people.

But, Giorgio, if any of the feelings

you said you had for me are real...

please, let us go.

[chuckles]

Let you go?

[laughing]

And what am I left with?

No money, no drugs, more broken art.

Not even any a dead body.

What do you think my father's going to say?!

Well, maybe this is the day that you stand up to your father.

[soft chuckle]

Ah...

[speaking Italian]

Just, go.

[speaking Italian]

Go, before I change my mind.

Go!

[Adam] Bav! Bav!

- [knocking on door] - [Adam] Bav, open the door!

- Who is it? - It's me... what? It's Adam!

How do I know it's not Giorgio doing an accent?

- Bro, open the fucking door! - Okay, sorry, sorry, sorry!

Dude, Giorgio is letting us go.

I don't know, I don't know.

[Adam muttering]

Thank you, thank you.

Sorry. Thank you, thank you.

[dramatic music playing]

Hey, you okay?

- I am. - Yeah?

Oh, God, I love you so much.

I love you so much.

- I was so worried about you. - I was so worried about you, too.

- Bav. - Yeah?

What you just did in there

was the bravest thing I've ever seen anyone do.

Yeah. I don't know what came over me, honestly.

I think I went temporarily insane.

Come here.

- Get over here. - Come here.

Bav?

- Yeah? - Have you pissed yourself?

What makes you say that?

'Cause I can feel something wet on my leg,

and I can smell piss.

Oh, yeah-- I think I have-- I think I have pissed myself.

I mean, to be fair, I did just nearly die.

I guess that's fair enough.

- Okay. - Okay.

- [sniffs] - It is piss.

- It's piss. - You're smelling it?

Yeah, no, I don't need to smell--

I smelled it in the hug...

- Oh, God! - Sorry, sorry.

- It's piss, sorry. - It's disgusting,

- Again, no need to smell it. - Sorry.

- Alright, can we? - Yeah.

- Yeah? - Let's go.

Maybe get a taxi.

- Nice dress, by the way! - Thanks!

[bell tolling]

Well...

[both chuckle]

This is it.

Oh, I forgot to give you your T-shirt.

- Oh, yeah, cool. - [chuckles]

You... you don't have to put it on.

- No, no, I want to. - You sure?

- Oh, yeah, come on. - Aww.

It was "Buy one, get one free".

Hey. [chuckles]

- Twins! - Twins!

[chuckles]

So, uh, where are you gonna go?

I don't know, man.

See where the wind takes me, you know.

Might check out a few sites, but...

I'll give you guys some time on your own, you know.

Some time for yourselves, you know.

- Alright. - Yeah.

Well, uh... take care of yourself.

Take care of yourself, too, mate!

Oh. [chuckles]

We'll always be the Inseparables.

It's alright.

Oh, and Sarah...

don't miss me too much on your honeymoon.

[chuckles] I'll try not to, Bav.

Well, it hasn't been the honeymoon I had planned in my head,

but it's definitely been memorable.

Do you mind taking the, um, shirt off?

- Oh, yeah, of course. - [chuckles]

Better?

[upbeat music playing]

- [gasps] - Oh!

Oh, my God! I'm so-- Oh, my God!

I'm sorry! Oh, sorry.

Are you okay? I'm sorry.

Your-your face!

It's-it's so familiar...

Hold on a minute, are you a porn star?

Yes.

Really?

[speaking Italian]

[laughs] Joking.

[speaking Italian]

- Uh... fake! - No, it's not fake, this is 20 euro!

- [both laughing] - Funny!

- I'm, Bav, nice to meet you. - Anna.

Are you walking this way?

- Um... - Yeah.

We walk together, maybe?

Okay.

- Yeah? Okay. - [speaking Italian]

Do you like karate? Karate?

[karate noises]

Oh, you do the twist, as well!

Same!

[upbeat music playing]

[engine shuts off]

[sighs]

[birds chirping]

[upbeat music playing]

- [Bav] My dream girl? - [Adam] Yeah, who's that?

Well, I don't got one, but if I had a dream girl

it'd be someone who understands me, you know,

someone... we'd be like a team,

Someone who supports me, who loves me.

Who loves me for me, you know?

Someone, like, you know, maybe dark hair, you know.

Someone who...

I've been in love with for a long time.

Will you marry me?

- Oh, are you joking? - Yeah, no, this is real.

[all cheering]

Take that one off.

I'm shaking.

Oh, my God, what the fuck?

Oh, my God, are you joking?

[cheering]

Alright, back to work!

[laughs]