Original subtitles

[dramatic music plays] EDWARD: Morning.

Good would be if I was still asleep.

But, uh, yeah.

Do you think you can, uh, turn that game down

or, I don't know, off?

First of all, StarRim isn't a game.

It's a space opera.

I'm sorry, there's a "second of all"?

Second of all, today's the release date

of StarRim Nine, StarRim Diablo, and I have to play it

all the way through before it's ruined by some noob online.

No offense.

Why would that be offensive?

- Are you kidding? - No, I'm not even awake.

[sighs]

I can feel your eyes on me, and I don't like that.

I've just never seen anybody double-fist

a space opera before.

Happy to not look.

Every sniper needs a marksman, and I do not have one.

I'm happy to teach you, I guess,

but the training will be rigorous

and it will not make us friends.

No, thanks.

I can't imagine staring at a screen this early.

[weapons firing]

[gasps]

If it's about StarRim, please do not say anything.

[exhales deeply]

♪

Uh, no, no. It's, um... my ex, Phillip,

just posted a picture with a girl.

I thought you guys broke up.

We did.

Yeah, we've-- we've been broken up for months,

so he could date whoever he wants to and so can I.

But you don't, and if you did,

I would really want to meet him first

so I could tell him the rules on how to clean the skillets.

Also, am I crazy, Edward, or does she look like me?

D-- Edward! [beeps]

Doesn't she kinda look like me?

No. Her eyes pop and aren't hooded like yours.

You can unpause your game now.

♪

BARISTA: There you go.

Thank you.

$2 tip on a $4 coffee?

That's 50%.

Oh-- Oh, I-I'm not stealing,

I'm just recalibrating the tip.

How often do you find your inability

to do simple math costs you money?

I don't know, like 40% of the time?

Or wait, no... one-third?

Good grief. It's worse than I thought.

Okay, look, Rand, you may be an award-winning mathematician,

but you're dead, so if you're sticking around

to teach me some kind of lesson while I write your obituary,

you could just go, because I don't need your help.

Great, I have no interest in your life.

I spent mine trying to solve the Rainbow Paradox,

and I plan on sticking around to finish the job.

Preferably without some millennial's vocal fry

buzzing in my ear like a gnat.

Good. Because I'm doing just fine.

Your eye makeup is garish.

♪

[scoffs]

♪

Hey, you.

- How is everything? - Great.

I haven't finished that math guy's obit yet,

but everything seems pretty straightforward.

Oh, honey, I am not talking about that boring old nerd.

Wow, don't die in Pasadena.

I'm talking about Phillip's post this morning.

You saw that?

[laughs] Duh, he's a great follow.

Although, who is that girl?

Talk about uggo, am I right?

You don't have to say that. I know she's stunning.

Oh, thank God. She is though, right?

Normally my type is, like, a femme Rachel Maddow,

but I would make an exception for that one.

This is what you guys talk about?

I worked at JPL.

There are telescopes named after me.

[elevator bell dings]

♪

- Hey. - It's fine.

I'm fine. - Well, you should be,

because that girl is hid-eh-oose Mozart.

- She's not. - Ugh, I know.

Honestly, it's all good, okay?

I don't even care about that girl

and her very stylish necklace layering.

Phillip has moved on with his life

and I'm moving on with mine. - Wow!

I am very happy to hear you say that because I would love

to be a caring friend to you right now,

but I have to run off to a meeting

that is just editors and not you.

Ohh, in retrospect, I could have said that better.

It's okay. I'm good. Go.

- Okay. - I don't need anything.

Okay!

Hey, psst, Mason, I need you.

Oh, hard pass, dawg.

Oh, listen, I have a very urgent journalistic task for you,

falling under the newspaper's purview

and not at all driven by personal emotion.

- So, like an assignment? - Uh, yeah.

Exactly. Just like that.

Uh, you see this girl?

I need you to find out everything you can about her.

Yeah, she's hot. I'll do it.

Oh, okay. Thank you.

Hey, you.

I heard you were down, so I heated up a salad for you.

Oh, okay. Yeah. All right, thanks, Tina.

Oh, no, the salad's still for me.

I just made it in your honor.

You--

♪

[clears throat]

Oh, this is dire.

There's just no way to spin this into an uplifting story.

I know. These numbers are devastating.

Look, she got eight likes.

I accidentally posted a photo of my faucet and I still got 32.

Oh, your dish soap looked so cute.

[chuckles] Thank you.

We put it in a glass bottle

so we could feel like we're in olden times.

Guys, we shouldn't be doing this.

We shouldn't be looking at Nell's profile.

What we should be doing is looking at Phillip's

to discuss how lame he and his girlfriend are.

Mm.

- Nah, I've got nothing. - I fold.

It's like a Google image search

for the word "romance." - Hmm.

There's no way that Nell's okay with this.

♪

Rand, I don't have time for this.

It's not my fault that you didn't finish it

before you were dead.

Should I be worried?

I mean, I already have one employee who microwaves lettuces.

I can't afford two.

Nell's fine, okay?

She just needs, like, a little nudge to get back out there.

I will set her up with someone because I'm her best friend.

Excuse me, I'm actually an expert

in setting up straight people.

There are Springsteen fans, and there are Billy Joel fans.

The trick is you never cross the streams.

What exactly makes you an "expert"?

I have a gay moon and a heterosexual rising,

otherwise known as bi.

So we'll be placing bets on this, right?

'Cause I'm gonna win.

Nell! - How?

I know rich guys.

So this is what the inside of this room looks like.

Fancy. I'll have a wine spritzer if you got 'em.

I'm kidding. I'll just stand here.

Nell, do you know why you were called in here today?

You're finally gonna give me a feature?

A feature? [laughs] You're hilarious.

Very funny. She's funny.

We should set her up with someone funny.

- Mm. - Mm.

You guys are trying to set me up on dates?

Okay, that is so inappropriate. I'm a professional.

I am a woman journalist... woman,

and my personal life doesn't belong in the workplace.

Shame on you.

Hey, hey. So I got some info on that smokeshow.

Okay.

Apparently, she's on the 30 Under 30 list

for London's Hottest Pastry Chefs.

And she used to be Woman #3 in the P90x video.

And she's a vicar's daughter, so you know she's freaky.

♪

I changed my mind. Bring me the men.

Bring me all the men!

♪

So, Dennis told me

that you were living in London with your ex?

- Yeah. - Yeah. How long were you there?

For five years.

Yeah, we were actually engaged.

Did he tell you that?

Should I tell you that? Should I not?

I don't know. Oh, I-- - [chuckles]

You're the first person that I've gone out with since him,

but that's probably pretty obvious.

I'm sorry. I'm really bad at this.

[chuckles]

So, do you have any siblings?

- No. None. - Okay.

- Yeah. - Yeah, all right.

- All right. [laughs] - That's the end of that question.

No, hey, I get it. Dating sucks.

I have been at it for quite a while now.

But I actually found there's a mathematical equation

that can determine your one true soul mate.

I don't like this guy.

I have a pretty high EQ,

which is actually more important than the IQ.

- It is not. - DENNIS: Real scientists have

created something called the five love languages.

- [chuckles] They have not. - Hmm. Right.

I read about this on a plane.

Okay, [chuckles] then, um, how about on the count of three,

we each call out our own love language

to see how compatible we are.

- Okay. - All right.

One, two, three.

- Acts of service. - Gifting.

Ohh.

What? What's wrong?

My ex was a gifty like you.

I don't think this is gonna work.

You don't even know if I'm anything like her.

Your wants come first.

You want to drain my bank account and live the fast life.

So, do you like bagels?

I don't eat food with holes in it.

Cool.

[sighs] Well, it was, um, very nice of you

to adamantly walk me home,

even though I did say several times

I could do it on my own.

- Acts of service. - Okay, you know,

I-I think you may be putting too much stock into that stuff.

- Huh. - Hi, I'm Edward,

Nell's roommate.

If you're gonna be staying with us, two things...

...one, good for you, get it,

and two, there's a couple of things

I want you to know about how we clean the skillets.

Edward. Please. He's leaving.

I guess we have nothing left to talk about.

Yep.

[dramatic music plays on cellphones]

♪

Maybe I spoke too soon.

♪

Yeah, unfortunately it just wasn't a match with Ross.

Yeah, I don't understand that. You both like Billy Joel.

Well, at least my roommate got his number.

Turns out, they're both into some space opera.

Ugh, God, I started a bromance.

- Yes, you did. - What am I, Top Gun?

Nell, so glad you're here.

There is someone I would like you to meet.

Hm. Where-- Where is he?

Just give it a second. [snapping]

He's coming.

He was right behind me. - Mm-hmm.

It's gonna be worth it. Just--

Oh, no. Alistair. [snaps, claps]

Ah. [chuckles] Salutations.

Oh, not to me, to her.

Salutations.

Can everyone see him, or is it just me? [chuckles]

This is a dear friend of my family, Alistair Banister.

And before anyone asks, yes,

Banister of the handrails fortune.

Well, it's nice to meet you.

Thank you for helping me stay on the stairs.

Salutations.

Yes, Alistair has come to take you to dinner.

It's 3:30.

- Yeah. - E-E-Excuse me, Lexi.

I hope you don't mind,

but I have to [clears throat] go make water.

[stammers] I'll be back in an hour.

I hope you don't mind eating late.

Mm.

Isn't he great?

He is so rich, he has someone who bathes and feeds him.

I don't think that's a rich thing.

Okay, look, guys, I really appreciate you trying to help,

but I just [sighs]

I'm starting to think that I-I'm just--

I'm not ready for this. I'm sorry.

♪

I think I nearly figured it out!

[sighs] Great because I thought about it,

and if you want to solve my problems, too, you can.

Well, that depends.

Is one of your problems the square root of four?

- [chuckles] - I get it, I suck at math, okay?

Well, I suck at humans.

Relationships aren't predictable like numbers.

They're, like, unsolvable equations.

That's why I stay away from people.

Maybe that's the lesson you were supposed to teach me, Rand.

Maybe I'm like you.

Maybe I'm not a relationship person.

Hmm.

Yeah.

- Yeah. - Thanks.

Sure. [chuckles]

I guess I could send that obit now.

Oh, I think I solved it! I just need to carry the one--

[computer whooshes]

Oops.

♪

It's probably fine.

What is that?

It's an everything bagel, but it's still not enough.

- SAM: Give me that. - Oh. What?

Hey! I was gonna 'gram that!

What is going on with you? Are you really not okay?

I was until you threw out my bagel.

Okay, look, it's understandable that you would be upset

after everything that happened,

and it fully sucks that Phillip found someone that can even,

like, roll up her jeans in a really cute way.

She was wearing a skirt in that photo.

I may have done a deep dive.

You're not just gonna magically wake up one day and be okay,

but you have to take that first step.

I mean, think about how many terrible dates

I went on before I met Keith.

- Wasn't Keith one of them? - No.

He wore khakis to Coachella.

We have moved on from that. Yes, we have.

And you need to move on, too, so go on one more date, all right?

We'll keep it casual. We'll go for some wine.

He's really hot.

- How hot? - Hotter than Phillip.

Crab apples. That was a long one. [chuckles]

Well, don't you look hotsy-totsy.

Okay, I'll go.

So, Ari, uh, what do you think of love languages?

ARI: Is that, like, a British reality show?

- [laughs] - Sorry, I'm not really aware

of anything that's happened in the world

since my kids were born.

Ah, you haven't missed much.

Except for the fact that we found out

that Britney was not free, and we freed her.

You're funny, Nell. You were right about her, Sam.

I know.

I shouldn't have said that out loud. Sorry.

I have not been on a date in a while.

Oh, I totally get it.

You're doing great. - Thanks.

Uh, I heard that you spent the last five years in London.

So exciting. - Yeah.

Me, I feel like I've been kind of cooped up with my kids.

But honestly, fatherhood has totally changed my life.

Yeah, I feel like I was born to be a dad, you know?

It wasn't until I met my kids that I really met myself.

- Ah. - Aww.

Enough Dad talk. Sorry.

- No, it's fine. - ARI: Great!

Because, um, my son just started swim lessons

and I feel like it's totally gonna change his life.

[gasps] I was just saying that about swim lessons.

Wasn't I just saying that about swim lessons, Nell?

Tell him I was just saying that about swim lessons.

She was just saying that about swim lessons.

[cellphone vibrates] - Oh, that's the sitter.

Excuse me.

What did I tell you? So hot.

[clicks tongue] Knocked that one out of the park.

- He's so hot... - I know.

- ...for you. - What?

- Come on. - Come on.

Sam, he's amazing, but he is just totally not my type.

He is your type.

Are you joking? He is everyone's type.

Hey, I'm sorry. I need to go home right now.

My kid has a temperature of 98.

Wait, is that too low or too high?

- ARI: It could be either. - Could it?

Uh, can you drive me home, Sam?

I-I'm way too upset to drive.

Me? Uh, sure.

- Okay. - Yeah, okay.

Yeah, no, he's weird. I'm over it.

♪

- NELL: Cricket? - CRICKET: Mm-hmm?

Do you think love is an unsolvable equation?

Why would you say that?

Well, it was just something someone told me.

Well, that dork probably never had

a real relationship in their life.

- [chuckles] - Love is not to be solved.

Honey, it's to be felt.

- Oh. - You know, Monty and I,

we didn't meet till I was older,

when I least expected to meet anyone.

And, even then, it took a minute before I realized,

"Oh, this is it."

A connection can come when you don't expect it.

Ugh. So what are you supposed to do?

Just, like, wait?

Stop trying to force everything.

[groans]

The door to the past will close on its own.

Unlike your bar tab.

Mm-hmm. [cellphone chimes]

"The hot pastry chef just donated all her hair

to build a nest for eagles.

She's even hotter now."

Thanks, Mason.

Ugh.

[laughs]

Sorry.

I hear that really opens up the palate.

Sorry, I didn't mean to offend you.

It's fine. I-I'm fine.

No, it's just you seem upset.

Well, I-- Yeah, I'm a grown-ass woman

that's about to raise her voice to a stranger at a wine bar,

so, yeah, no, that's not really fine.

And actually, this past week was not fine,

and neither have the past five years.

So, come to think of it, no.

No, I'm definitely not fine.

Okay.

Do you wanna talk about it?

Fine.

This is the photo. Can you see why I'm upset?

I don't know.

It seems like you really shut down that buffet.

- No, not that one. - [chuckles]

- This one. - Oh.

It's of my ex and his new girlfriend, I guess.

She is not ugly.

- Ohh. - But neither are you.

Thank you, but I can't compete with this--

this big-eyed pastry chef.

She looks like a Pixar character.

And it feels so pointed.

I mean, he knows I love pastries.

I think everybody does after the buffet photo.

[both laugh]

It was-- It was a lot.

Oh, I'm sorry for unleashing on you.

This is... ugh.

I am just a disaster.

No. No, you're not.

Honestly, it's comforting.

I-I just ended a relationship also.

- It sucks. - Yeah.

Do you, uh, still talk to your ex?

No. Um...

She was great, but things ended and that was that.

- And you're not secretly married? - No.

- And you're not a psycho? - No.

And you swear you don't actually like improv?

Yes. And... I can't even pretend.

No, I don't. - [chuckles]

I don't like it at all.

[sighs]

[chuckles]

So you're pretty great. What's the catch?

Come on, there's gotta be one.

Well, or maybe this is just us meeting at the right time.

Both of us out of relationships,

not really sure how to move forward.

Oh, that's weird, though.

No, but it happens.

- Does it? - Yeah.

Yeah, something out of the blue

and it's not terrible?

[Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" plays]

Maybe this is how it's supposed to work.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

"A connection can happen when you least expect it."

- I like that. - Mm.

♪ Days pass♪ [sprinklers spraying]

[doorbell rings]

- The sprinklers were on. - Get inside. You're shivering.

♪ Fills my heart♪

Wow, this place is pretty cool.

Let's not ruin this by talking.

-♪ When I want to run away♪ - NELL: Thank you.

You sure you don't want one?

Nope. I don't do carbs.

[scoffs] So you are a psycho.

Wow.

♪ But whichever way I go♪

So it begins.

♪ I come back to the place you are♪

[laughs]

♪ All my instincts, they return♪

Oh.

♪ The grand facade♪

Coaster. Coasters, please.

What is that? What are y-- What are you looking at?

Are you looking at a walkthrough?!

[sighs] I can't handle this endless maze.

Space is too infinite!

This is only gonna work if you trust me.

Do you trust me, Ross?

I do.

NELL: Thank you.

What?

Nothing. I just think it's cool

that you weren't embarrassed to get another one.

Is that a compliment or an insult?

Everything I've said to you is a compliment.

Oh.

♪ Your eyes♪

Okay, now I'm embarrassed to get another one.

♪ Your eyes♪

EDWARD: Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!

You're saving the galaxy!

Oh, yes!

ROSS: Whoo!

- You did it, Ross. - No.

We did it.

Okay, that'll do.

You can go now.

NELL: Wow.

Did we just walk the entire night?

I guess so. Look at us being cliché.

- [giggles] - Catching a sunrise on a brand-new day.

Would you take a photo with me?

Yeah.

You wanna rub it in Phillip's face?

No, I don't wanna post it.

I, um-- I just want it for me.

Okay.

So, how do two people who just met pose together?

- Back-to-back. - Yeah?

Buddy-cop style. It's obvious.

- All right. Okay. - Yeah.

Oh.

♪ I get so tired♪

- Okay, ready? - You good?

- Yup. - Okay.

♪ Working so hard for our survival♪

Okay, I'm gonna check it.

I historically take terrible photos,

but I have a good feeling about this one.

Yeah.

♪ I look to the time with you♪

♪ And all my instincts they return♪

And there's the catch.

♪ And the grand facade, so soon will burn♪

♪ Without a noise, without my pride♪

Oh, God. This is even worse.

I can't believe she's posting this.

There's honestly something forlorn about it.

I don't know. I kinda like it.

Because I won!

I got the successful match, so pay up.

Is this a success?

She got most of the salad in his mouth,

so, yeah, I'd say that's a win.

Captions by VITAC--

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0